EpisodesSuperstarsApathy?Brawlers On A Budget

Seth Harker vs. The Match From Hell (MST3K 1.1)

If it hurts, it's good...and this hurts plenty!

The Usual Disclaimers: I am in no way affiliated with Best Brains, The THWL or anyone else connected with this MST. I'm also not a pro-wrestler, although I play one on the Internet.
-Skeeter


[Backstage at a BSCW show in Flint, Michigan. (Cheap pop) Ronan Alexander is with Seth Harker and Coma. Seth has the BSCW cruiserweight title slung over his shoulder and a grin on his face that may have to be removed with surgery. ]

RA: Seth, congratulations on winning the BSCW Cruiserweight championship! You've gotta be feeling pretty good right now...

[Backstage at a BSCW show in Flint, Michigan. (Cheap pop) Ronan Alexander is with Seth Harker and Coma. Seth has the BSCW cruiserweight title slung over his shoulder and a grin on his face that may have to be removed with surgery. ]

Seth: You're damn skippy I'm feeling good! Jaji, you and I put on a hell of a match... One on one, no interferance... and that's just how it should have been! We threw everything we could at each other, stood toe-to-toe and eye-to-eye. I have to hand it to you... You can fight with the best of them... but this belt...

[He pats it softly]

Seth: Says I AM the best of them... Ronan, I could take on the world right now! I'm ready and waiting for my next challenge!

RA: Which may have to wait, because you don't HAVE a next challenge... Heck, you're not even booked to appear at the Shane Delany tournament...

[Seth is taken aback slightly. He pauses, then looks at the camera.]

Seth: Darn that big BSCW roster... I could take some time off, I suppose... have a vacation, shoot a movie...

RA: Doing a Hogan, in effect?

Coma: The Orange Goblin! POINK!

[Coma produces a large salmon and bonks Ronan over the head with it.]

Seth: Thank you, Coma... No, there's go to be something else to do with my time...

[Sudden Cut to a cheap sci-fi-ish set. Two "robots" are staring at Seth, who's now wearing a red jumpsuit.]

Tom Servo: Who the hell are you?

Croooooooooow: And why are we back on the Satellite of Love? Didn't the show finish like, four years ago?

Seth: It's the magic of the Internet, boys... as long as there's people writing crappy Sailor Moon fan-fics, you'll be here! I'm Seth Harker, by the way.

Crow: Seth Harker? SETH?! Wow, I couldn't be more excited if I knew who the hell Seth Harker was! Or cared..

Tom: Crow, be nice... So Seth, what's the skinny? Tell me we're not going to watch Sailor Moon...

Seth: Oh no... worse, my robotic little friend... much worse..

[Seth produces a video box.]

Crow: "Friday Night (In Hell!)"... this is going to suck, isn't it?

Seth: Intensly... (A red light begins to flash)... We got WRESTLING SIGN!

[One "Door" sequence later, we're inside the theatre.]

Seth: In your own time, Comabot...

Comabot: (from the projection booth) POINK!

***FRIDAY NIGHT (IN HELL) ***

Seth: This Friday night in Hell is LADIES NIGHT!

Crow: Try our Fire-and-Brimstone cocktails!

Tom: Free pony rides for the kids!

***COMMISH - Hello Everyone, we're coming to you live from a sold out Madison Square Garden - New York, NY,***

Crow: Thus setting a record for most people demanding refunds in one night...

***for FRIDAY NIGHT (IN HELL)!! ***

Tom: Y'know, they say Hell is other people...

Seth: Whoever said that must have met the people who booked this card...

***It's gonna a be a great card! ***

Tom: YOU LIE!

***Let's get down to the ring for our first match. ***

Crow: Snappy intro... none of that overrated "Atmosphere" that other wrestling shows try to have...

Tom: Well, if they're all like that, at least it'll be over sooner...

Seth: You wish...

***COMMANDER DEATH *** Vs ***KROVIACAN

Seth: I think my dentist gave me Kroviacan before my root canal...

Crow: Hey when did Dr Jack Kroviacan become "Commander Death"? What, "Doctor Death" wasn't creepy enough for him?

Tom: Well, if anybody can, Krovia can...

***Howard Finkel - This next match is a scheduled for one fall... ***

Crow: A scheduled what?

Seth: I think the Fink turned over two cue-cards at once...

[Coma falls over in the booth]

Seth: It's over!

Tom and Crow: HOORAY!

***Howard Finkel - Coming down the aisle, Accompanied by DA PACK, ***

Crow: ...Of rabid weasels we brought to tear the bookers typing hands off...

***weighing 260 pounds, ***

Seth: ...Of fertiliser packed into a 200-pound sack...

***[Fans cheer as COMMANDER DEATH walks out] ***

All: (Monotone) Yay.

***COMMANDER DEATH!!! ****

Tom: I wonder who Commander Death takes his orders from? Liuetenant Dismemberment?

Crow: General Mutilation?

Seth: Rear-Admiral Dick Groper?

Tom and Crow: Ewwwwww!

Seth: Sorry...

***[COMMANDER DEATH makes his way to the ring.] ***

Seth: Here he comes... he's walking... still walking... and he's there, in the ring.

Tom: Boy, that entrance gives me chills... he's a real showman, isn''t he?

Crow: Bravo! Bravo! Encore!

***Howard Finkel - And his opponent, ***

Crow: Couldn't be bothered to show up for this crap-fest, Death wins, let's move on..

***Coming to the ring at this time, ***

Seth: Because otherwise Commander Death might have to stand there by himself, looking stupid...

Crow: Too late!

***[Boos cover up the announcement] ***

ALL: BOO! BOO!

Crow: Gee, Seth, this card is longer than Wrestlemania 4... can we take a break?

Seth: Crow, it's only been going for four-and-a-half minutes!

Crow: Really? Damn it!

***coming from CONCORD ,OHIO, standing 6'3",

Seth: Which makes him 2'1" taller than Tazz...

***weighing 200, coming to the ring with FIENDS CLUB, KROVIACAN.

Seth: (singing) Who's the gang, that's in this fed, and wrestles, crap-ily?

Crow: (singing)F I E...

Tom: (singing)N D S...

Comabot: (singing) P O I N K!

Seth: Ooh, brave effort, Coma, thanks for playing...

***[KROVIACAN walks to the ring.] Crow: Oh, his entrance is even better! Auter! Auter! ***[Ring, Ring, Ring]

Seth: Could someone answer that?

Crow: Ring bell provided by AT&T!

***DA MAN - Kick to the gut knocks KROVIACAN out of balance.

Crow: Oh, great... do you know what a Jobber Re-alignment costs these days?

***COMMANDER DEATH follows up with a running knee lift to take him down!!

Seth: (Hollywood police commisioner voice) I'm taking you down, Callahan...

Ton: (Clint Eastwood) Go ahead, punk...Make my day!

***KROVIACAN moving to his feet. COMMANDER DEATH kicks him back down!

Crow: Hey, SETH, is DA MAN he going to SHOUT like that EVERYTIME he says someones' NAME?

Seth: Afraid so, CROW!

Tom: Earmuffs, anyone?

Crow: Thanks, TOM!

***COMMISH - COMMANDER DEATH picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face!

Tom: Why did Commander Death drop Kroviacan onto his own face? Isn't that counter-productive?

***Good moves by COMMANDER DEATH.

Seth: His best move of course, was to punch the Commish in the face and quit the federation...

***DA MAN - What an awesome match!!!!

Tom: (Da Man) ...That I'm watching on Smackdown on the other monitor... too bad we're broadcasting this stinker...

***COMMISH - Good call! Figure four attempt by COMMANDER DEATH.

Seth: But, as that required manual dexterity, the attempt failed as quickly as it began...

***KROVIACAN kicks him off quick.
DA MAN - That could have been the end of KROVIACAN! Piledriver.. Good Move wouldn't you say COMMISH? ***

Crow: No, he'd say "GOOD MOVE!"

Tom: Or "I wish I had a last name"

Seth: Or a job running a federation that doesn't suck like a black hole...

***COMMISH - Does it hurt? Then it's good! ***

Crow: By that logic, this card is DAMN good... because it's making my brain hurt...

***Cover by COMMANDER DEATH...1 ...2 ... Earl Hebner is pointing to the ropes KROVIACAN has his foot on the ropes! ***

Seth: (Earl Hebner) Hey, getcha foot off the ropes, we just had them cleaned!

***DA MAN - Boston crab being applied by COMMANDER DEATH ... all he has to do is turn him over. ***

Tom: And Kroviacan will have the luxury of watching the mat, and not this horrible match...

Seth: That's better than he deserves...

***COMMISH - He may have him with that.. NOOO!! ***

Seth: (Commish) I just realised my contract says I have to stay here for two more years! NOOOOOO!

***KROVIACAN got out of that at the last second! KROVIACAN is ROCKED with a big elbow! ***

Crow: (Kroviacan): Whoa, that's the biggest elbow I've ever seen! You ROCK, dude!

***KROVIACAN needs to try for a comeback! SGT. SALUTECOMMANDER DEATH goes for the cover, ***

Crow: Hey, where did this Seargent Salutecommander Death come from? He wasn't introduced!

Tom: Do you think they're related?

***Earl Hebner counts ...1 ...2 ...3 ***

Tom: Sadly, he was counting the dollar bills in his pay packet!

***[COMMANDER DEATH won the match in 4 minutes and 31 seconds.] ***

Crow: ...Of our lives that we will never, ever get back...

***Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... COMMANDER DEATH ***

Seth: (Mr Mackey) Let's all point at laugh at Kroviacan, children...

Tom: If I had fingers, I'd be making one hell of a "Loser" sign right about now...

***THE FIENDS ***Vs ***NEW AGE OUTLAWS
Howard Finkel - This next match is a scheduled for one fall... ***

Crow: Or until the audience rises up and beats the participants to death with chairs.

Seth: We can only hope...

***Howard Finkel - Introducing first, at a total combined weight of 560, the team of THE FIENDS!!
[They climb into the ring] ***

Crow: Hey, they didn't even get to walk slowly down the aisle!

Tom: I think we just picked the winner of the "Loser of The Night" award...

***Howard Finkel - And their opponents, headed to the ring is 567 pounds of flesh and muscle, the team of NEW AGE OUTLAWS!!***

Crow: And here come the first runners-up...

***[They move down to the ring]
DA MAN - Looks like DEATHCOW is going to start this match against BAD ASS. ***

Seth: Y'know, I didn't think Billy Gunns' career could sink any lower... and yet he still manages to surprise me!

Crow: A Death Cow and a Bad Ass... who booked this, Old MacDonald?

Tom: (Goat voice) I'm Baaaaaa-d!

***[The Bell Rings and the match officially begins] ***

Crow: ...To suck.

***COMMISH - Diving forearm sends BAD ASS to the mat!! DEATHCOW spending quite a bit of time measuring him up. ***

Crow: (DeathCow) So, that's 16 inches on the bicep, 12 on the neck... what about the chest, Billy? What are you, a B-cup?

Seth: (Billy Gunn) I was only an A until the steriods kicked in...

***Falling fist to the chest of BAD ASS DEATHCOW ***

Tom: Oh my God, they morphed into one entity!

Seth: And they STILL suck!

***Stomping away at the chest of BAD ASS! DEATHCOW with repeated boots to the knee of BAD ASS. Working the leg! ***

Crow: Well, at least he's not working the ass of...

Seth: (Warningly) Crow...

Crow: What?!

***DA MAN - DEATHCOW is moving back to his feet BAD ASS needs to try for a comeback! Cover by DEATHCOW ...1 Kick Out. ***

Seth: (The Count) ONE kick-out... Ah-ha-ha-haaaa! (Thunder and lightning)

***Quick kick out by BAD ASS. ***

Tom: You just said that, you dink! Stop padding this thing!

***COMMISH - BAD ASS hops back to his feet. lock up DEATHCOW gets the upper edge setting BAD ASS up for a piledriver. ***

Crow: He's gotta learn to pause between sentences.

Seth: Hey if we're lucky, he'll try a long one and pass out...

Tom: Oh, please, please, please...

***DA MAN - BAD ASS counters back body drop! ***

Crow: (Moron Voice) Duh. Fire bad. Tree pretty.

***Gives BAD ASS the advantage again! What an awesome match!!!!
COMMISH - Good call! ***

Tom: Didn't he already say that?

Crow: I think the Commish is one of those toys with a string in it's back...

Tom: (Da Man) What an awesome match!

Seth: (Commish) Good Call!

Crow: (Da Man) I fondle goats!

Seth: (Commish) Good Call!

Tom: (Da Man) Pass the salt!

Seth: (Woody) There's a snake in my boots!

***Inside cradle, ...1 ...2 . DEATHCOW makes it out.
DA MAN - Yeah that was about two and one tenth counts... ***

Tom: Rounded to the nearest decimal point...

***We're not seeing much offense from DEATHCOW. DEATHCOW is out cold! ***

Seth: Well, that might explain it! Either that, or he's doing his world-famous Kevin Nash impersonation...

***COMMISH - The tag was made and BAD ASS is going out, ROAD DAWG is coming in. ***

Crow: (Sings) Who let the Dawg out?

Seth: Of his contract? Vince McMahon...

***DA MAN - ROAD DAWG is trying to pull DEATHCOW back to his feet. DEATHCOW with an eye gouge!! Down goes ROAD DAWG! ***

Seth: Guys, there's very few people that can sell an eye-gouge like a gunshot... In fact, that's the first time I've seen it done...

Crow: And hopefully, it'll be the last time...

***ROAD DAWG moving to his feet. DEATHCOW kicks him back down! DEATHCOW picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

Seth: Coma, check the film... it's starting to skip...

Tom: I've heard of Greco-Roman wrestling... but this is the first time I've seen "cut-and-paste" wrestling...

***ROAD DAWG moving back to his feet DEATHCOW scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! DEATHCOW with a lateral press Earl Hebner ...1 ...2 ... OhHHHH ***

Tom: Why did he press Earl Hebner? Shouldn't that be a DQ?

Crow: Hey, I don't mind if he presses him, but if he tries to clean and jerk him, I'm gone!

Seth: Now THERE's a lovely mental picture...

***COMMISH - That had to be two and seven eights!!
DA MAN - ROAD DAWG lunging toward DEATHCOW and knocking off his feet!! ***

Crow: OH MY GOD! Where did his feet go?

Tom: He'll never walk again! Oh, the humanity!

Crow: The horror! The horror!

Seth: Relax, guys, it's a typo...

***Desperation maneuver by ROAD DAWG!! A huge boot to the face sends DEATHCOW off his feet! ***

Tom: Wow, he knocked him off his feet twice without even letting him get up...

Seth: (Darth Vader) Impressive... most impressive...

***ROAD DAWG driving a knee into the spinal area of DEATHCOWs back!! ***

Crow: Tune in next week when the Road Dawg attacks the cranial area of Deathcows' head, then abuses the foot-al area of his foot!

Tom: Watching this match makes me feel like someone IS driving a knee into my back...

***COMMISH - Leg drop across the throat of DEATHCOW! Lock up... ***

Tom: (Ring Announcer) :Ladies and Gentlemen, we appear to have lost a transition somewhere. If found, please return it to the information desk on the lower concourse...

***ROAD DAWG with an armdrag takedown. ROAD DAWG Stomping away at the chest of DEATHCOW! ROAD DAWG spending quite a bit of time measuring him up.

Crow: Hey, we already DID the "Measuring" joke!

***Falling fist to the chest of DEATHCOW ROAD DAWG with repeated boots to the knee of DEATHCOW. Working the leg! ***

Tom: Didn't we already do this spot as well?

***DA MAN - DEATHCOW is moving back to his feet Cover by DEATHCOW ...1 ...2 ... Earl Hebner is pointing to the ropes ROAD DAWG has his foot on the ropes! ***

Seth: Man, I wasn't even born in the sixties, but I'm having some wicked flashbacks!

***DEATHCOW with a roll up. Earl Hebner counts ...1 ...2..NOOO Kick out!! Figure four attempt by DEATHCOW. ROAD DAWG kicks him off quick. ***

Crow: They're doing it again, Seth! I've got nothing to work with here! NOTHING!

***COMMISH - That could have been the end of ROAD DAWG!
DA MAN - ROAD DAWG hops back to his feet. ROAD DAWG scoops him up fall away slam!!! ***

ALL: A NEW MOVE! [Confetti falls from the ceiling as the trio high-five each other.]

***DEATHCOW is ROCKED with a big elbow! ROAD DAWG is trying to apply a figure-four!!

Seth: You just tried that! Buy some new moves, you no-talent stoner!

***COMMISH - DEATHCOW Got out of it! He's lucky! ***

Crow: Lucky? If he was lucky, he would never have been involved in this crap-fest!

Tom: And if we were lucky, we never would have been forced to watch it...

***Cover by ROAD DAWG...1 Kick Out. Quick kick out by DEATHCOW. ***

All: (The Count) ONE kickout... Ah-ha-ha-haaa! (Thunder and lightning)

***DA MAN - ROAD DAWG is trying to pull DEATHCOW back to his feet. DEATHCOW with an eye gouge!! Down goes ROAD DAWG! ***

Tom: There he goes again!

Crow: I don't think he's selling the move. It's more like he's selling the effects of all the hash brownies he consumed with X-Pac before the match...

***DEATHCOW picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

Seth: AHHH! If you can't think of another move, tag out you talentless piece of infected monkeys rectum!

Crow: Does DeathCow even HAVE a partner?

Tom: Haven't seen one yet...

***DEATHCOW is all over ROAD DAWG! He's choking him out!! ROAD DAWG won't be able to take that for long!
Commish- but bad ass has to come and help doulbe team now but deathcow taking it pretty well left right left what strength by this man ***

Crow: Th' hell?

Tom: Oh, dear Lord, I think the Commisioners Anti-Idiocy medication just wore off!

Seth: The last time I heard someone talk like that, there was a ventrilouist next to him, drinking a glass of water!

***DA-man- i suppose

Tom: You suppose what?

Crow: You're supposed to capitalise "I", you schmuck!

Seth: And there goes the pretense that we're watching this on video and not reading text on a computer screen...

Crow: Oh, come on, everyone knows wrestling's fake! I saw that NBC special... you ever rip up a kids autograph book, Seth?

Seth: Nope... I once pushed an old lady over, though...

Crow: Nice heel tactic... bet that got the crowd steamed..

Seth: Well, I actually pushed her over at a Walmart... those end-of-season sales can be brutal!

***Commish- now hes going down this one looks over but ...
Daman- what the helll , those lights are coming offf ***

Crow: SMASH! Oh, my God, Road Dawg was just squished under the light that came off!

Tom and Seth: GOOD!

***Comish- its its darksider!!!!!!!! ***

Crow: So so fricking what what?

***i caaaant belive it why ??? ****

Tom: Beats me, I caaaaaaaaaaaaan't even figure out what you're saying!

***DA-MAN- wait zig seems to be doing something distracting the REF ***

All: AHH! [All three jump in the air as Da Man barks "REF"]

Seth: Don't DO that! Scared the shit out of me...

***Comish- but now Darksider coming down and takes out Bad Ass from the ring ok i dont get this ***

Seth: Ha ha... okay, neither do we!

Tom: It's like Darksider had himself edited into the match somehow... like in "Forrest Gump"!

Crow: (Forrest Gump) My mama always said that this match was like a bunch of people kicking you in the dinky. It's uncomfortable, and ya kinda wish they'd stop...

***DA-MAN- now lets see whats haping!! I can belive it what the hell its A tombstone on cement uh ref didn't see it now wait whats deathcow doing***

Seth: More to the point, Da Man, what are YOU doing? Speed, coke or crack? And how often? Kids, don't do drugs!

Tom: Because friends don't let other friends commentate on crack...

***Commish- Deathcow takes out his staff and is basing it over and over Road dawgs head he's out cold now and deathcow goes for a cover ***

Crow: Deathcows' basting Road Dawg? I knew this match was a turkey, but that's taking things far to literally..

Seth: I think he meant bashing, but at this point in time, your guess is as good as mine...

***1.......2..... 3.............. ring ring ring ***

Tom: I'm not sure which was more pathetic, the match, or the fact that the Commish had to make the "ring ring ring" sound himself...

***[THE FIENDS won the match in 21 minutes and 24 seconds.] ***

Crow: Your mileage may vary.

***Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... AND NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSSSSS THEEEEEEE FIEEEEEENDSSSS!!!! ***

Seth: Sloppy work, Fink. Youprobably should have mentioned the tag titles being on the line a little ealier than that...

Crow: Like anyone cares... (Writes in diary) Match from Hell Expedition. It's been about three hours, with no respite in sight... things not going as well as we hoped.

Tom: Would you put that away?

*** main slime *** Vs ***Zeus
Howard Finkel - This next match is a an Extreme Match!... ***

Tom: Extremely boring, and extremely badly-written...

***Howard Finkel - ["main slime" chants start in the crowd. ] Ladies and Gentlemen, from atlanta , GA, maaaiiin sliiimeee!!!
[The chants over power the announcement] ***

Seth: Main Slime? That's not a name, that's two words chosen randomly from a dictionary! Let's pick him another name... [He picks up a convient dictionary off the theatre floor and flips through the pages.] Incarceration Preposition?

Tom and Crow: Nope!

Seth: Stuffing Halo?

Tom: Better, but still no world-beater!

Seth: Perfect Ingesta?

Crow: That's it! Beautiful!

***[main slime makes his way to the ring.]
Howard Finkel - And his opponent, On his way down the Aisle with manager, from New york, weighing 256 He is Zeeeuuus!!! ***

Tom: (Singing) Well, I'm walking down the aisle with a manager with no name..

Crow: Zeus? Wasn't he the guy who kicked the snot out of Hulk Hogan in that movie?

Seth: Possibly...

Crow: YEAH! Go ZEUS!

***[Zeus walks to the ring.]
[Ring, Ring, Ring] ***

All: (Singing) Hey! How ya doin'? Sorry ya can't get through! Why dontcha leave ya name, and ya number... and I'll get back to you...

***DA MAN - "slimer" connects with a chop to the chest of Zeus. ***

Seth: Where's Bill Murray when you need him?

***They tie up... ****

Crow: The announce team and burn the arena down. The end.

*** We've got a struggle for power... main slime comes out on top with a reverse neck breaker.
Zeus moving back to his feet main slime scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! main slime is choking Zeus with the middle ring rope!! ***

Crow: Wow, these are moves we haven't seen so far tonight! I'm in awe!

Tom: I'm stunned!

***main slime picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

Seth: I'm not overly suprised...

Crow: Oh, for Joels sake! Tom: For the love of Mike!

***COMMISH - Zeus hops back to his feet. Zeus applys a standing bear hug, lifts main slime up and drops him down!!
DA MAN - Sort of a version of the Atomic Drop! ***

Seth: Yeah, a version that resembles a Neanderthal Man attempting to kill himself something for dinner.

*** Zeus's going for a boston crab. ***

Tom: This is no time for a snack! You've got a match, buddy!

***COMMISH - He's not gonna get it on main slime is to quick! main slime climbing back to his feet, Zeus moves in... Vertical Suplex! ***

Seth: NEW MOVE!

[More confetti falls from the ceiling as the trio toot party horns.]

***DA MAN - Zeus dives on to main slime ***

Crow: Splattering him all over the walls. He turns out to be Green Main Slime and dissolves Zeus. The end.

Tom: Great Crow, three Dungeons and Dragons geeks got that last riff, and everyone else is more confused than ever...

***and applies a headlock. He's pounding away at the forehead of main slime!
COMMISH - What an incredible series of punches!! ***

Seth: God, I love technical wrestling...

***Zeus stomping theface of "slimer" into the mat!! Zeus has a chair driving it into the leg of main slime,

Tom: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) The new ACME Insta-Chair! Teleports straight into your hands so you don't waste good pummeling time having to go and fetch one! Only $79.99, plus postage and handling!

***DA MAN - he's trying for some permenate damage!! Good moves by Zeus. ***

Tom: "Permenante"? I think we're getting the feed from the Spanish Announce Table now...

***COMMISH - "slimer" hops back to his feet. Closed fists to the face of Zeus! Those are devastating!!! ***

Seth: He's right, you know. I know I'd rather take a piledriver through a table than a closed fist! Hell, shoot me, stab me, set me on fire, just DON'T make me get punched by someone!

Crow: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were being a tad sarcastic, Seth...

Seth: Perish the thought...

***Knee lift by "slimer" takes Zeus to the ground. Zeus is out cold! DA MAN - Zeuss head is being beaten to a pulp with some kind of spiked object! ***

Tom: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) NOW AVAILABLE! The ACME Insta-Unidentifiable-Spiked-Object! For all your pulp-beating needs! Only $99.95! Act now, stocks are limited.

Crow: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) Some conditions apply

Seth: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) Offer void in Utah!

***COMMISH - "slimer" is ruthless!! Zeus sure could use some help now. ***

Crow: Well, if we close our eyes and wish hard, maybe Darksider will come back out and save him...

***Zeus is stumbling. main slime is trying to apply a figure-four!! ***

Crow: Seth, I'm no wrestling expert, but doesn't Zeus have to be lying on the mat for that hold to be applied?

Seth: You spotted Slimes' deliberate mistake, Crow... you win a case of Hamdingers!

Crow: Awww! No-one likes Hamdingers!

***DA MAN - Zeus Got out of it! He's lucky! "slimer" lifting Zeus into position for something. He devastated the neck of Zeus with a Tombstone type piledriver. Zeus needs to try for a comeback! ***

Tom: I think Janis Joplin has a better chance of a succesful comeback than this guy!

***COMMISH - Zeus is ROCKED with a big elbow! Boston crab being applied by main slime ... all he has to do is turn him over.
DA MAN - He may have him with that.. NOOO!! Zeus got out of that at the last second! main slime picks him up in a firemans carry, ***

All: (In Unison With Da Man) ...and drops him right on his face!

***This match is anything goes!! ***

Tom: I wish WE could go...

***COMMISH - Figure four attempt by main slime. Zeus kicks him off quick.
DA MAN - That could have been the end of Zeus! main slime is pumeling Zeus on the ground!! That's insane!! "slimer" with the hair of Zeus. ***

[Crow begins to cry]

Crow: Make it stop, Seth! Make it stop!

Seth: Don't worry, Crow... only another hour or so to go.

Crow: WHAT?!! An hour?! I can't take this! For pitys sake, stop the tape! FREEEE-DOMMMM!

***COMMISH - Looks like he's setting him up for something... Oh Bigtime Piledriver!! ***

Seth: NEW MOVE!

[Tons of confetti fall, nearly burying Crow.]

Crow: Thanks, I needed that...

***main slime sends Zeus over the top into the gaurd rail! Zeus busted his head on that one!
DA MAN - "slimer" is pulling him back in! ***

Tom: (Da Man) Sadly, Zeus was undersized, meaning Slime had to throw him back...

***COMMISH - Zeus climbing back to his feet, main slime moves in... Vertical Suplex! main slime comes down across the back of Zeus with a double axe handle!!
Zeus just can't make it to his feet! "slimer" out of no where with a corkscrew hurricanrana! Zeus went down quick! ***

Crow: (Commish) ...Seeing as Slimer snapped his neck like a pretzel with the hurricanrana. The end.

***DA MAN - Zeus hops back to his feet. ***

Seth: (Zeus) So, Slimer, what's this "selling" you were talking about? Are you into Amway or something?

*** Lock up... main slime going for a suplex... Zeus blocks it... main slime trys again... Block and Zeus with a suplex of his own!!
COMMISH - "slimer" hops back to his feet. ***

Tom: (Main Slime) Yes, that's right... Amway!

***main slime with a snapmare make down! ****

Crow: NEW MOVE! Beat you to it, Seth!

Seth: That's because I'm still wondering what a "make down" is?

Tom: The reverse of makeup?

***This match is great!! Wouldn't you way so DA MAN?
DA MAN - No. ***

Crow: Hey, let's hear it for Da Mans' brutal honesty!

***Zeus moving to his feet. main slime kicks him back down! "slimer" is choking Zeus with the middle ring rope!!
COMMISH - Zeus hops back to his feet. ***

Seth: (Zeus) So, this "selling" was nothing to do with wrestling at all?

Tom (Main Slime) No, nothing at all...

***Zeus is going out of the ring and getting a chair! ***

Tom: (Main Slime) Dude, your Insta-Chair is still in the ring? Why don't you just use that one?

Seth: Mabe there was fluctuations in the space/time continuim that allowed him to use the chair BEFORE he brought it into the ring?

Crow: Or just an untrained film student in the editing booth...

***DA MAN - OHHH main slime took a solid head shot! ***

Tom: But his solid head took the force of the blow, so no damage was incurred...

***COMMISH - Zeus stomping the face of "slimer" into the mat!! What an awesome match!!!! ***

Seth: Oh, nice continuity on the good match/bad match thing, Commish!

***DA MAN - Good call! Zeus is draping main slime over the bottom ring rope. Choking him out on it!!
COMMISH - If main slime gives up Zeus could win the match like that! ***

Seth: Well, duh...

***Zeus is trying to apply a figure-four!!
DA MAN - main slime Got out of it! He's lucky! ***

Crow: Been there, done that, riffed on the sequence...

***COMMISH - main slime hops back to his feet. "slimer" attacking with a set of jabs to the chest, Zeus tries for some of his own and "slimer" blocks and applys a standing armbar! ***

Tom: Hey, I was just thinking, "Boy, what this match needs now is a resthold!"...

***DA MAN - Zeus isn't going to give up to that! "slimer" sends him stumbling with a thunderous blow to the head!! "slimer" takes the chair to the back of Zeus. Goes for a quick cover.
COMMISH - ONE ***

Crow: Twothree, it's over, the end.

***DA MAN - TWO
COMMISH - THREEEE!!!!
DA MAN - THREEEE!!! ***

Seth: (Commish) Uh, D-Man... that would be "Four"...

Tom: (Da Man) Oh, right... I get it... "THREEEE!!!!"

Seth: (Commish) Whatever...

***[main slime won the match in 22 minutes and 7 seconds.] ***

Crow: Of which, seven seconds were worth watching...

***Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... maaaiiin sliiimeee
COMMISH - We'll be back after this short break! ***

All: WHY?!

***[SuperModels-R-Us is a proud sponser of FRIDAY NIGHT (IN HELL)! Do you need a supermodel?? If so head on over to your local SuperModels-R-Us, we sell only top quality supermodels. You won't be disappointed!] ***

Crow: I was disappointed, but then, I was expecting a punchline to that ad...

***THE OX ***vs ***freemont frank

Tom: I guess Frank couldn't afford any capitals in his name...

Seth: Well, maybe he's Canadian... you know how bad their economy is these days...

***Howard Finkel - This next match is a HELL in the CELL Match... ***

Crow: You mean, "It'll be Hell, because no-one will Sell"

***Howard Finkel - [THE OX steps out of the entrance area, the pyro goes off, the crowd is going insane!! ] ***

Crow: (Crowd) I am a teapot! I am a teapot!

Seth: (Crowd) The voice in my head won't shut up! Bugs! Bugs are eating my skin!

Tom: (Crowd) I like the yellow pills, Dr Kroviacan!

***Coming down the aisle, weighing 277 pounds, from ??????, THE OX!!!!!!!!!!! ****

Crow: That's "??????", Mississipi, population 432, main exports, overweight wrestlers and American cheese...

***[THE OX makes his way to the ring.]
Howard Finkel - And his opponent, Coming down the aisle, weighing 250 pounds, [fans hold up freemont frank sucks signs] freemont frank***

Seth: Hey, Frank's bodysurfing to the ring! That''s novel...

Crow: The fans shouldn't be sucking their signs, though... that's darn unhygenic!

***[freemont frank walks to the ring.] DA MAN - THE OX is taking over from the start.

Tom: But they haven't DONE anything yet?

Seth: I think Da Man is watching another match... one that's taking place in his own private universe...

***"OX" and freemont frank are going to lock up. THE OX has the advantage. THE OX has him up in a vertical suplex!
COMMISH - freemont frank was up there for quite a while! [Ring, Ring, Ring] ***

Crow: (Timekeeper) So, I felt like ringing the bell AFTER the match had started! Bite me!

***DA MAN - "OX" lifting freemont frank into position for something. He devastated the neck of freemont frank with a Tombstone type piledriver. freemont frank is ROCKED with a big elbow! THE OX's going for a boston crab.

Seth: Here we go again. Five bucks says he doesn't get it...

Tom and Crow: No bet!

***COMMISH - He's not gonna get it on freemont frank is to quick! THE OX is scoping out the inside of the cage.***

Crow: (Ox) Duh. Yup, dat's a cage all right...

***DA MAN - freemont frank moving back to his feet THE OX scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! THE OX out of no where with a corkscrew hurricanrana! freemont frank went down quick! ***

Seth: And since he was already down when Ox went for a hurricanrana, that looked like a car-wreck!. This is like backyard wrestling without the talent and production values!

***COMMISH - It's total carnage inside that hunk of steel! freemont frank is out cold! THE OX pulling freemont frank back to his feet. ***

Crow: But he's out cold, so he falls down again.

***freemont frank taunting "OX" a bit. ***

Tom: (Ox) Duh. Me in control. Me should be taunting you.

***OHHHHH "OX" with a big scoop slam!! What's freemont frank gonna say to that? ***

Tom: (Frank) "Ouch!"?

Crow: (Frank) "You slam like a big wussy-girl!"?

Seth: (Frank) "I fell on my keys!"?

***"OX" is applying

Crow: (Commish) ...For welfare, because his wrestling career is dead in the water!

***a chair to the ankle of freemont frank ! Off the top on to the chair!!
DA MAN - That will about do it for that ankle.
COMMISH - freemont frank lunging toward "OX" and knocking off his feet!! ***

Crow: Oh, GOD NO! Not the feet again! You merciless bastard!

***Desperation maneuver by freemont frank !! A huge boot to the face sends "OX" off his feet! freemont frank Stomping away at the chest of "OX"!
DA MAN - freemont frank s face is being slammed over and over by THE OX ***

Tom: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) And that's the miracle of the jump-cut folks! Or as we at ACME call it, the Insta-Reversal! Only $12.95!

***COMMISH - That could cave in his face!!

[Coma pauses the film to allow everyone to stop laughing hysterically.]

Seth: Cave in his face... (Snort)

Crow: Bwa-ha-ha-haaaa...!

[Five minutes later]

Seth: Okay, we're under control now, Coma... onwards and downwards!

***THE OX drops a knee on lower leg of freemont frank ! freemont frank is drenched in blood!! ***

Tom: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) That's ACME Insta-Blood! For when you just don't have TIME to blade! Only $3.95 a gallon!

***THE OX spending quite a bit of time measuring him up. Falling fist to the chest of freemont frank
DA MAN - "OX" measuring him up elbow smash! THE OX is moving back to his feet THE OX levels freemont frank with a chair!
COMMISH - Now he's working the knee with the chair!!
DA MAN - THE OX is on top of freemont frank biting his forehead!! My God! THE OX picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

All: WE GET IT ALREADY!

***THE OX is draping freemont frank over the bottom ring rope. Choking him out on it!!
COMMISH - If freemont frank gives up THE OX could win the match like that! This match is anything goes!!
DA MAN - "OX" is trying to pull freemont frank back to his feet. freemont frank with an eye gouge!! ***

Crow: Hey, he's been taking lessons from the Road Dawg!

Seth: Or possibly having "Toking" lessons...

***Down goes THE OX! Look at the size of this Cage! It's total carnage inside that hunk of steel! freemont frank out of no where with a corkscrew hurricanrana! THE OX went down quick! freemont frank is trying to find a way out of the cage!***

Tom: (Frank) Hey, a door! That'll work!

***COMMISH - He better focus his attention on THE OX.
DA MAN - Figure four attempt by freemont frank . THE OX kicks him off quick.
COMMISH - That could have been the end of THE OX! Good moves by freemont frank . ***

Seth: These commentators have got the attention span of goldfish! Buy a couple of new phrases, guys!

***DA MAN - THE OX hops back to his feet. THE OX charges in with a shoulder, which takes freemont frank off his feet. "OX" stumbles to the ground. freemont frank taking an onslaught of punishment! "OX" is pounding away at his entire body! ***

Crow: (Jerry Lewis) Whoa, the thing wit the freaky jump cut thing, lady...

***THE OX with repeated boots to the knee of reemont frank . Working the leg! My GOD look at the blood in the ring!!
COMMISH - "OX" repeatedly slamming freemont frank s down! He couldbreak his nose!! "OX" spending quite a bit of time measuring him up. Falling fist to the chest of freemont frank Atomic Drop by THE OX send freemont frank to the ground!***

All: NEW MOVE!

[Streamers and balloons fall from the ceiling as "Happy Days Are Here Again" plays, mercifully drowning out the commentary for a while.]

***COMMISH - That will about do it for that ankle. Piledriver.. Good Move wouldn't you say DA MAN?
DA MAN - Does it hurt? Then it's good!***

Seth: (Count Rugen) Stop SAYING THAT!

***freemont frank needs to try for a comeback! freemont frank s head is being beaten to a pulp with some kind of spiked object! ***

Tom: (Ox) Duh, Slimer, you forgotted your spikey thing. Hur hur...

***COMMISH - "OX" is ruthless!! It is definately a hell in that CELL!! ***

Seth: It's hell to watch, that's for sure...

***DA MAN - "OX" is trying to pull freemont frank back to his feet. freemont frank with an eye gouge!! Down goes THE OX! freemont frank is scoping out the inside of the cage. Good moves by freemont frank ***

Crow: Yep, that's the best display of high-intensity "scoping" I've seen in the last twenty years of pro-wrestling!

***COMMISH - freemont frank is pumeling "OX" on the ground!! That's insane!! freemont frank is laying a chair out in the ring! Pulling THE OX into position. PILEDRIVER onto the steel chair!! freemont frank stomping the face of THE OX into the mat!! This could be a carreer ender! ***

Seth: I my profesional opinion, working for this federation could be a career ender... I'd be too ashamed to show my face after that...

Crow: That coming from a man who was pinned by Chief Justice in the OCW!

Seth: Want me to piledrive you, Crow?

Crow: I'll be good!

***A MAN - THE OX hops back to his feet. THE OX has some kind of object he's grinding into freemont frank s face! ***

Tom: This is some really non-specific commentary... where's he watching the match from, the Skybox?

***freemont frank charging THE OX ... clothesli NO! THE OX counters with a backdrop at the last second!!
COMMISH - "OX" has a chair driving it into the leg of freemont frank
DA MAN - he's trying for some permenate damage!! ***

All: OLE!

***"OX" is trying to find a way out of the cage! ***

TOM: USE! THE! DOOR!

***COMMISH - He better focus his attention on freemont frank . freemont frank moving back to his feet THE OX scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! Figure four attempt by THE OX. freemont frank kicks him off quick.
DA MAN - That could have been the end of freemont frank ! BULLDOSER THE OX goes for the cover, Earl Hebner counts ...1 ...2 ...3 ***

Crow: Hey, we found out Ox's first name! Bulldoser!

Seth: Hey, back the Booking Bus up a few feet? Why were they looking for a way out if it was a pinfall-to-win match?

Crow: Can't help you, Seth... any match more complicated than a Bra And Panties match and I lose the plot...

***THE OX won the match in 24 minutes and 7 seconds.]
Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... AND NEWWWW AMERICAN CHAMP OXXXXXXXXX!!!!!!! ***

Seth: (The Fink) Sorry I forgot to mention that before the match started again... where is my head today? Check, please!

***FRED MAVIA *** Vs ***DARKSIDER
Howard Finkel - This next match is a scheduled for one fall... ***

Seth: (The Fink) And is for a Yet-To-Be-Determined Title! Probably.

***Howard Finkel - Coming down the aisle, Accompanied by the mofia, weighing 265 pounds, [Fans cheer as FRED MAVIA walks out] FRED MAVIA!!! ***

Tom: The "mofia"?

Seth: It's Organised Crime, Brooklyn Style!

Crow: (A Soprano. Anyone, take your pick!) Hey, we're da mofia. Give us da fooking money!

***[FRED MAVIA makes his way to the ring.]
Howard Finkel - And his opponent, [DARKSIDER steps out of the entrance area, the pyro goes off, the crowd is going insane!! ] Coming down the aisle, weighing 330 pounds, from HELL, DARKSIDER!!!!!!!!!!!***

Crow: He's from Hell?

Seth: It's a small town in Mississipi, Crow... just down the road from "??????"

Crow: Gotcha...

***[DARKSIDER walks to the ring.] [Ding, Ding, Ding] ***

Crow: Hey, the bells voice broke!

Tom: We can give him a Bell Mitzvah!

***DA MAN - FRED MAVIA sends him stumbling with a thunderous blow to the head!! FRED MAVIA picks him up and dumps DARKSIDER on his head!

Tom: Was that a new move, Seth?

Seth: Yup, it's what we in the wrestling biz call a "Fuck-Up!"

***FRED MAVIA pulling DARKSIDER back to his feet. Closed fists to the face of DARKSIDER! Those are devastating!!!
COMMISH - A kick to the face takes DEMON off his feet. FRED MAVIA comes down across the back of DEMON with a double axe handle!! DARKSIDER just can't make it to his feet! ***

Crow: (Commish) ...Because he's still reeling from morphing into Demon for a minute there...

***DA MAN - "FURIOUS" with a roll up. Earl Hebner counts ...1 ...2 ..NOO ***

Tom: What? Who are these people he's talking about?

Seth: Either they have nicknames, or there's two invisible wrestlers in the ring...

***Kick out!! DEMON sure could use some help now. DARKSIDER moving back to his feet***

Seth: PICK ONE!

***FRED MAVIA scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! FRED MAVIA's going for a boston crab. ***

Crow: You know, I could swear there were other moves in wrestling... but maybe I was wrong! Can we just fast-forward until we get a new move?

Seth: (Commish) Good Call!

***[High-Pitched Commentary]: ***COMMISHHe'snotgonnagetitonDEMONistoquick! FREDMAVIAoutofnowherewithacorkscrewhurricanrana! DEMONwentdownquick!DARKSIDERmovingtohisfeet. "FURIOUS"kickshimbackdown!DAMANwe'renotseeingmuchoffensefromDARKSIDER. FigurefourattemptbyFREDMAVIADEMONkickshimoffquick.
COMMISH-ThatcouldhavebeentheendofDARKSIDERInsidecradle..1...2.DARKSIDERmakesitout. ***

Tom: Wow, this is much better this way!

Seth: Anyone else getting "Alvin and The Chipmunks" flashbacks?

Crow: I saw a bulldog! Stop fast-forwarding!

[Comabot does so, cutting off some more commentary]

***COMMISH - That could cave in his face!! ***

[Five minutes later]

Seth: Okay, Coma... (giggle)... we're nearly ready...

Tom: Face.

[Ten minutes later]

Seth: Okay, Coma... just skim on to the end of the match... this "Darksider" is ruining my bad-ass nickname, and I can't take anymore..

Crow: There's more to sit through? Can't we just NOT watch this and say we did?

Seth: Trust me, Crow... the last match is a doozy...

***Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... AND NEWWWW THWF WORLD CHAMPION THE DARKSIDER!!!!!!!!

Tom: THWF? Seth: The Half-Wits Federation...

***drone *** Vs ***GRAVEZIG
Howard Finkel - This next match is a an Extreme Match!... and is in the Middle of hellllllllll!!!!!! ***

Seth: (Through a megaphone) Finkel, this is the Puncuation Police, and we have a warrant for your arrest! Come out with your exclamation marks above your head and no-one gets hurt!

***Howard Finkel - Coming to the ring at this time, [? Begins...][thecrowd erupts!! ***

Crow: Oh, yeah, I go crazy and wild for unknown songs as well.

Tom: You think "?" is a Prince song? From his "Artist Currently Known As A Squiggle" phase?

***The whole place is on their feet ***

Seth: Running for the exits...

***]coming from unknown the beyond, ***

Seth: Did that make sense to ANYONE?

Crow: Not me?

Tom: No idea!

Coma: Yes!

Seth: I should have guessed..

***standing ?, coming to the ring with ?, ***

Tom: (The Fink) I HAVE to update these cue cards...

***Lets hear it for droooneee!!! ***

All: (monotone) Yay.

***[drone makes his way to the ring.]
Howard Finkel - And his opponent, [Boos and GRAVEZIG sucks chants fill the arena.] Ladies and Gentlemen, from LODI , NJ, GRAVEZIG!!! ***

Crow: One guy's from Hell and the other's from New Jersey... I don't know who to feel more sorry for...

***[GRAVEZIG walks to the ring.]
[Ring, Ring, Ring] ***

Tom: Bell Mitzvahs' cancelled!

Crow: D'OH!

***Commish- well now lets look around in the surrondings we have very hot Lava substance around the ring so I wouldent want to fall?? ***

Seth: Uhhh... that wasn't actually a question, bozo...

Tom: Anyone else finding this set-up a tad unrealistic?

***DA-man- next we have highly explosives that will go off so often ***

Tom: (Da Man) ...That we're almost guaranteed to kill someone! It's zany fun for the whole family!

***Commish- also we have chanis barbwire everywhere this match is defintly Hell if I say so myself ***

Crow: Chanis Barbwire? Hey, I've got every album she released! Remember this one? (Bad airguitar) Wow-we-wow, chikka-chikka-chikka, Nyeoowww! Wow-we-wow...

Seth: Shut up, Crow!

***DA MAN - Kick to the gut knocks GRAVEZIG out of balance. drone follows up with a running knee lift to take him down!! GRAVEZIG moving to his feet. drone kicks him back down! ***

Seth: And here we go again...

***COMMISH - GRAVEZIG hops back to his feet. Someone threw a bottle into the ring, we'll need to get that out of there. ***

Tom: The ring's surrounded by molten lava and he's worried about a BOTTLE? END, already! END! END! END!

[Crow joins in the chant]

Seth: GUYS! It's nearly over!

***GRAVEZIG has the bottle [WACK!!]
DA MAN - He broke it over drones head!! Good moves by GRAVEZIG.
COMMISH - GRAVEZIG is pumeling drone on the ground!! That's insane!! drone is stumbling. drone needs to try for a comeback! GRAVEZIG is trying to apply a figure-four!! ***

Crow: Wake me when something blows up, Seth...

***DA MAN - drone Got out of it! He's lucky! GRAVEZIG's going for a boston crab.
COMMISH - He's not gonna get it on drone is to quick! GRAVEZIG has a chair driving it into the leg of drone, ***

Tom: (Advertisment Voice-Over Man) Yes, ACME Folding Chairs are even available in HELLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only $24.99, plus $3,546,098 Postage and delivery!

***DA MAN - he's trying for some permenate damage!! ***

All: (monotone) Ole.

***COMMISH - drone hops back to his feet. Lock up... GRAVEZIG going for a suplex... drone blocks it... GRAVEZIG trys again... Block and drone with a suplex of his own!! GRAVEZIG is stumbling.
Commish- BANG BANG there goes one explosive both men go oppostie ways Extrmely bleading now ***

Tom: (Commish) Duh. Brain hurty. Too hard make words sound rightly good.

***DA-MAN_ lets take a breakkkkkkk ***

Seth: (Commish) Okayyyyyyyyyyyy...

***Commish- we are back ***

Crow: Wow, blip-verts! I never even saw them!

***DA MAN - drone is trying to pull GRAVEZIG back to his feet. GRAVEZIG with an eye gouge!! Down goes drone! GRAVEZIG is applying a chair to the ankle of drone! Off the top on to the chair!! Atteting to put drone in the lava OUCHHHHHH!!!!!!!! His leg touched it its burnt damn but there goes zigs arm its burned both men look like dead zombies damn what a match ***

Seth: (Da Man) No, we weren't doing any illegal drugs during the commercial break, honest we weren't.

Crow: (Commish) It's true folks! This is not a work! Our wrestlers are so hardcore, they purposely maim each other with molten hot magma! IT'S EXTREEEEME!

Tom: THWF! THWF! THWF!

***COMMISH - That will about do it for that ankle. GRAVEZIG stomping the face of drone into the mat!! drone climbing back to his feet, GRAVEZIG moves in... Vertical Suplex! GRAVEZIG sends drone over the top into the gaurd rail! drone busted his head on that one! ***

Tom: Wow, it's surprisingly easy to do a suplex with third-degree burns to your arm!

Seth: It's all in the training, Tom...

Crow: Where the heck did the guuard rail come from, by the way? I wouldn't think you'd need one... What with the red-hot lava and all...

***DA MAN - GRAVEZIG is pulling him back in! What an awesome match!!!! ***

All (With the Commish) - Good call!

***DA MAN - Boston crab being applied by GRAVEZIG ... all he has to do is turn him over.
COMMISH - He may have him with that.. NOOO!! drone got out of thatat the last second! drone is ROCKED with a big elbow! GRAVEZIG is on top of drone biting his forehead!! My God! GRAVEZIG is draping drone over the bottom ring rope. Choking him out on it!! ***

Seth: Psst.. dude... the major burns on your arm? How about selling those, huh? Oh, never mind...

***DA MAN - If drone gives up GRAVEZIG could win the match like that! GRAVEZIG pulling drone back to his feet. GRAVEZIG has some kind of object he's grinding into drones face! BANG BANG!!!! There goes the explosive both men fly backwards
Commish- looks like were taking another break!!! ***

Crow: BLIP!

***DA-MAN - allright we are back ***

Seth: Unfotunately...

***COMMISH - drone has some kind of object he's grinding into GRAVEZIGs face! ***

Tom: Oh, and they rewound the tape for us... how nice. Bastards!

***They tie up... We've got a struggle for power... drone comes out on top with a reverse neck breaker. drone out of no where with a corkscrew hurricanrana! GRAVEZIG went down quick! GRAVEZIG is out cold! ***

Crow: NOT THE FEET! Please, not the FEET!

***DA MAN - GRAVEZIG lunging toward drone and knocking off his feet!! ***

Crow: AHHH! (falls off his chair)

***Desperation maneuver by GRAVEZIG!! GRAVEZIG measuring him up elbow smash! WAIT WAIT THE ground is shaking both men wabbling as they fight ***

Seth: Y'know, I've done a lot of crazy things in the ring, but "wabbling" is not one of them...

Tom: That's probably a good career move, Seth...

***COMMISH - Leg drop across the throat of GRAVEZIG! drone spending quite a bit of time measuring him up. Falling fist to the chest of GRAVEZIG drone is moving back to his feet drone has a chair driving it into the leg of GRAVEZIG, ***

Tom: Wait, wasn't the ground shaking a second ago? Wouldn't that kind of put a damper on the midlessly repetative brawling?

***DA MAN - he's trying for some permenate damage!! ***

Crow: OLE! Man, I swear if I hear one more over-used phrase, I'll...

***drone picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

Crow: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGH! (Buries himself in a mound of confetti)

***Trying to shove him in the lava drone shoving ohhhh elbow of other arm in lava ouch!!! That's gonna leave a mark !!! ***

Seth: This whole experience is leaving marks on my pysche that'll take years of therapy to erase...

***COMMISH - drone is trying to pull GRAVEZIG back to his feet. GRAVEZIG with an eye gouge!! Down goes drone! ***

Crow: Is it over yet?

***GRAVEZIG picks him up in a firemans carry, and drops him right on his face! ***

Crow: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGH! (Re-buries himself.)

***DA MAN - drone hops back to his feet. Tie up... snap suplex by drone. Nicely executed move. ***

ALL: NEW MOVE!

[Fireworks explode in some edited-in stock footage.]

***COMMISH - drone with repeated boots to the knee of GRAVEZIG. Working the leg! GRAVEZIGs face is being slammed over and over by drone
DA MAN - That could cave in his face!! ***

[Six minutes later]

Crow: Cave

[Ten Minutes later]

Seth: That.

[Ten MORE minutes later]

***COMMISH - GRAVEZIG Stomping away at the chest of drone! A huge boot to the face sends drone off his feet! GRAVEZIG rocks him with a forearm!! GRAVEZIG is moving back to his feet GRAVEZIG is trying to apply a figure-four!!
DA MAN - but wait what the hells happing here comes I don't know a monk?? ***

Tom: All your monk are belong to us!

Seth: That made nearly as much sense as what Da Man said...

Crow: Maybe if we play him backwards he'll make sense?

***COMMISH - Boston crab being applied by GRAVEZIG ... all he has to do is turn him over. ***

Crow: Umm.. the monk?

***DA MAN - He may have him with that.. NOOO!! drone got out of that at the last second! drone moving back to his feet GRAVEZIG scoops him up and slams him to the ground!! We're not seeing much offense from drone. GRAVEZIG with the hair of drone. ***

Crow: Um, guys? What about the monk?

***COMMISH - Looks like he's setting him up for something... Oh Big time Piledriver!!
DA MAN - GRAVEZIG is on top of drone biting his forehead!! My God! GRAVEZIG out of no where with a corkscrew hurricanrana! drone went down quick! Figure four attempt by GRAVEZIG. drone kicks him off quick. ***

Crow: The MONK! What about the MONK?! Don't taunt me like that! WHAT ABOUT THE FREAKIN" MONK?!

***COMMISH - That could have been the end of drone! GRAVEZIG levels drone with a chair!
DA MAN - Now he's working the knee with the chair!! ***

Crow: Fine, FORGET the monk! See if I care!

***COMMISH - GRAVEZIG is pumeling drone on the ground!! That's insane!! GRAVEZIG is all over drone! He's choking him out!! drone won't be able to take that for long! GRAVEZIG is applying a chair to the ankle f drone! Off the top on to the chair!!
DA MAN - That will about do it for that ankle. drone is ROCKED with a big elbow! GRAVEZIG's going for a boston crab.
COMMISH - He's not gonna get it on drone is to quick! Piledriver.. Good Move wouldn't you say DA MAN?
DA MAN - Does it hurt? Then it's good! ***

All: SHUT UP!

***COMMISH - drone hops back to his feet. drone pulled a blade out of his tights and slashed GRAVEZIGs arm! ***

Seth: Which one, the one he had burnt down to the bone, or the other one? Like it matters!

***DA MAN - GRAVEZIG attacking with a set of jabs to the chest, drone tries for some of his own and GRAVEZIG blocks and applys a standing armbar!
COMMISH - but wait the monk know levels zig with a huge metal bar down ***

Crow: English pleased to be talked here! We good with the shouty words.

***He goes hes taking off the monk suit and its
DA_MAN- its helltiger I can belive it helltiger !!!!! ***

Seth: I can't believe so much stupidity is packed into one card... and it aint over yet, guys...

***Commish- so this one looks over folks and 1... 2... but what the hell what is This now a huge looking cow is coming to the ring ***

Crow and Tom: A WHAT?

***DAMAN- I wonder who that is ??? ***

Seth: The Bookers Bullshit provider...

Crow: (Farmer) Yep, looks like a bumper crop this year...

***Commish- it explodes blood everwhere ***

Crow: EXPLODING COWS! This is the BEST wrestling match in the history of the world!

***deathcow out of the lava destroying Both drone and helltiger tiger and him fighting
DA_MAN- now zig is back to sense and fighting like hell at drone what Matches
Commish- don't tell me BANG there went an explosion but the men not effected This is great!!!!!! ***

Seth: No, this is what happens when you write wrestling cards after a keg party...

***DA-MAN- wait now the lights go out here lava is going away for some reason

Tom: Boy, you know you suck when even the lava leaves the arena early...

***Commish- wait look someone is coming out from the lava its it's the devil? I cant belvie it what the FUCK!!!!

Seth: I've been saying THAT for the last half-hour... Hang on tight boys, it gets a little rough ahead...

***DA-MAN- hes looking up and bang fire is everywhere everyone is still fighting Hes facing helltiger now after pushing cow away all 5 of these people areIn the ring now he looks at helltiger and is getting ready to bash him but Hits zig and he uses the drop from helllll!!!!! Wait its its darksider laughing As he goes back in the lava but but why did he help helltiger and he brought him with him too I don't seem to understand niether does deathcow but zig is out
Commish- drone takes a cover 1................ 2............. 3................
Its all over and drone Throughs him in the fire but cow quickly takes him out this was the weirdestAnd most fucked up match I have ever seen folks this is THWF wrestling signing Off thanks for watching FRI in hell we were defintly in hellll tonight!!!
[drone won the match in 28 minutes and 27 seconds.]
Howard Finkel - Ladies and Gentlemen, here is your winner... droooneee ***

[The movie ends, leaving the trio in stunned silence. Long moments pass before anyone speaks.]

Seth: That could cave in his face.

Tom and Crow: BWA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

[Some time later, back out on the bridge.]

Seth: Well, thanks for having me, guys...

Crow: No problems, Seth... Just rememeber, anytime you have a horrible, warped, moronic wrestling tape like that one to watch...

Seth: Yes? Cow and Tom: CALL SOMEONE ELSE!

Seth: Gotcha...

[Fade Out]

Parody Banner Ad