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iAd vs. OWL and Neige 13! (MST 2.1)

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DISCLAIMER: Multiple exclamation marks are a sure sign of someone who wears their underwear on their head. As always, we have nothing to do with any of the e-feds in this MST. We have taste. -Skeeter & Leary.

Tom: Welcome to Woodsy's Wonderful World!

[Yep. It's the Satellite of Love. We're back for the Second Season. And headed right into the comedy ha-has. Tom is dressed up in green pants with a big gold belt buckle, a white shirt, gray suspenders and a Robin Hood style green cap with a red feather sticking out atop his head. Tom is sitting next to him on the counter dealie, reading off a piece of paper.]

Tom: Caring, friendly, and wise, Woodsy Owl is a whimsical fellow and he's got his heart set on motivating kids to form healthy, lasting relationships with nature.

[Seth Harker and Trey Vincent come in from elsewhere. How should I know where from? They approach the robotic duo and stare at them, not quite comprehending what they're seeing yet.]

Tom: As Woodsy flies across our land, he encourages youngsters to marvel at and explore the natural world, even in the city. His new motto, "Lend a Hand--Care for the Land." encourages everyone to make a positive difference in the world.

TV: Well, this should get rid of all the viewers.

Seth: Oh yeah. What are you two doing?

Tom: Well, we heard that today we're going to be watching owls, so I figured we better study up.

Crow: Right. So who better than the Owl Icon himself, Woodsy? See? I've even got my cap? And a feather!

TV: I guess it's a bit ironic that a bot named Crow has to wear his feathers, huh?

Tom: *Ahem* Woodsy has been America's environmental champion since 1970, and is most recognized for his wise request, "Give a hoot."


Tom: Don't Pollute." Join the USDA Forest Service in introducing children to this fanciful creature. Woodsy is coming to you with simple, hands-on land stewardship activities--and there's so much more ahead.

TV and Seth: ...

TV and Seth: ...

TV and Seth: Well?

Tom: Hmm. That's the end of the paper, it seems.

Crow: Damn cliffhangers! Why can't we just get good old fashioned crap anymore that doesn't mean anything in the scheme of things and makes you wish you never saw it in the first place?

[The SOL begins buzzing and flashing.]

Seth: D'oh. We've got sports entertainment sign!

[6...5...4...3...2...1 ...theater doors crash. The boys get to their seats in darkness. Quite a compelling shot.]

Seth: Ahh, it's good to be back. What's this under my seat? Hey, a left-over beer! All right!

****OWl (ONline wrestling league)****

TV: We put the 'OW' in OWL!

****Results of SMACKDOWN!:
Smackdown starts with a clip of Hogan wearing the nWo t-shirt as Raw went off the air.****

TV: And this federation's five viewers celebrating, not having to see his saggy man breasts.
Seth: OWls' nWo 2003: Recyling Gimmicks to help save the environment!

***Then we see footage of The Rock comming into the building with Hurricane.***

Tom: (Dorothy) It's a TWISTER! Aunty Em! Aunty Em!

****They are talking about their match but you can't really make out what they are saying.****

TV: Thus defeating the entire purpose of the segment.

****We then see Michale Cole and Tazz sitting at their announcer's table.
Cole: Hello ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Smackdown. We are glad that you could join us tonight. I am Michale Cole and this is my partner Tazz.****

Seth: (Taz: Warner Bros version) What for you bury me in the Cole, Cole groun'?

****Tazz: Not in a million years Cole.
Cole: What?
Tazz: The partner thing...****

TV: It'd be too easy to point out we've got such lame gay material so early in a show. I think.

Crow: Yeah, it's so much easier to find gay jokes in completely unrelated statements like always...

****Oh never mind. But yes we are glad that you could join us.****

Seth: (Tazz) We're especially like to welcome our audience of Cheeto-eating, Budweiser-sweating rednecks who up our ratings by being too lazy to haul their asses over to the set to change channels. *pause* Now THAT was a hell of a sentence... I'm parched!

[Fizz of a beer being opened.]

****We have some great matches for you tonight and I am sure that you will enjoy them.****

TV: Offer void in all seven continents.

****Cole: Yes Tazz I hope they will to. If you haven't heard Smackdown's new commissioner is..<cole pa. the hits music rock?s because sentence his finish to time have not does>****

Tom: Th' hell?

TV: Whoa, this just turned into the Dyslexia Wrestling Federation.

Seth: Funny, I would have thought beer just lost its flavour with age... Instead I'm hallucinating!

****<the the his up. mic raises rock the rock...rock...rock... chanting are fans fans. over looks and stage on stops jeans. blue t-shirt it bring just a wearing out walks>****

Crow: This card's speaking in tounges! Call a Jesuit!

TV: BWAHAHAHAHA. (He falls to floor in hysterics.)

****Rock: Finally the Rock has come back to Smackdown<fans cheer.>****

All: Yay.

****You see the Rock has something he wants to tell you. The Rock is now the commissioner of Smackdown<fans cheer>,***

Seth: (OWl Fan) Another recycled angle! YAY!

****but I am not here to talk about that. I am here to talk about the nWo. You see the Rock doesn't like the nWo. The Rock hates the nWo.****

TV: The Rock is not fond of the nWo. And he's also not a big fan of the nWo either.

****The Rock wishes he had the power to destroy the nWo but he doesn't.****

Crow: So the Rock has become the Pusses Champion?

****So the Rock has been thinking what will happen if the nWo starts to over run this place. Well the Rock has found a answer, but the Rock ain't tellin what the answer is till it's time.****

Crow: Is that your final answer?

Tom: (Rock) I'm not going to answer that!

Seth: Good answer!

****Well the Rock has to go and get ready for his tag team match tonight, but let the Rock leave the nWo with these final words.****

Tom: (Rock) Get a new gimmick!

****nWo what you gona do when The Rock and Hurricane run wild on you. IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COCKIN!****

(Trey falls to the floor.)

Crow: Ah, so he must be related to XXXtreme Machine.

Seth: (Aghast) Can I just say I have NO intention of smelling ANYTHING he "cocks"... or anyONE for that matter!

****<rock's the music and walks curtain. through back he hit>****

TV: This is priceless. Owns dyslexia you!

Tom: Maybe if we run this show backwards at the right speed it'll make sense?

Seth: Comabot?

[The film reverses throught the last segment.]

Evil Voice: Ozzy Osbourne is your GOD! And Paul McCartney died in 1968 and was replaced by a lookalike named "Nigel Bedford". That is all.

Seth: Cool.

****<commercial brake>****

TV: Look out for the squirrel!

****We see Tazz and Cole at the table.****

TV: (Tazz) I thought we were in a commercial? What are we selling?

Seth: (Jim Ross) You can shill my bar-b-que sauce if you want!

TV: (Tazz) Shut up, redneck!

****Cole: Well folks we have a tripple threat match against Terri and Lita and Tygress.****

TV: Isn't that really a 6-boob tag match?

Seth: Possibly... Tazz, IS it a six-boob tag?

****Tazz: That's right.****

TV and Seth: Cool!

****The winner will go on to face Trish in a match at Heat wave.****

Crow: I don't know why, but okay...

[Everyone waves at the screen.]

****instead and out here. is she why trish asks cole their make terri lita, tygress,****

Seth: Whowhatwhere and when? This is insane! Trey, where did you fiind this fed, at a Dumbfucks Anonymous meeting?

****<As Tazz. beside down sit come see we coming Tygress of>****

TV: I think we just saw Tygress come. Which makes this the greatest MST in the history of iAd!

****Cole: Trish what are you doing here?****

TV: (Trish) My mother couldn't afford an abortion.

Tom: (Trish It was in the script.

Seth: (Trish) I heard Tygress coming and figured a bad lemon was in progress.

****Trish: I thought I would come down and watch my competition.
Tazz: Well Cole, you see that is a champ right there coming down to watch her competition.****

Seth: I'd rather watch a "Who can stuff the most weasels down his pants" competition than another minute of OWl.

****I bet you thought she was here to see you.
Cole: I did not. I was just wondering...****

TV: How long it would take to strangle myself with this headset.

****Tazz: Oh just shut up Cole and get ready to watch the match.***

Crow: (Tazz) ...Suck the sweat off a dead hippos balls.Just like EVERY match here in OWl!

***Tripple threat match for a chance to fight Trish at Heat wave****

[Everyone waves.]

****Lita vs Terri vs Tygress****

Seth: Too bad one of them isn't gay... then it'd could be a Hair vs Queer vs I Used To Have a Career Match!

****The bell rings and the match starts off. Lita and Terrie start to beat up on Tygress; they give her a double suplex and then they just start stomping away at her.****

Tom: (Lita) Well, my extensive moveset is exhausted!

Crow: (Terri) Mine too. But stomping is fun! Wheee!

**** They finally pick her up and throw her into the ropes she bounces off them and gives Lita and Terrrie a double clothesline. Tygress picks Lita up and throws her into the turnbuckle.****

TV: Where's the mud now?

****Tygress then sits Lita on the turnbuckle and gives Lita a top-rope suplex.****

TV: (Lita) Man I always wanted one of those.

Seth: Jerry Lawler would pay real money to be that turnbuckle right about now.

****Tygress goes for the pin put only gets a two count thanks to Terrie kicking her. Tygress and Terrie start going at each other. They are just punching at each other.****

Tom: (Terri) Do you know ANY actual wrestling moves?

Crow: (Tygress) Nope! You neither, huh?

****Tygress gets Terrie against the ropes and gives her a****

TV: Dildo?


TV: D'oh!

Seth: Yeah, that's no good... she'd chafe the hell out of herself with a clothesline.

****Terrie falls out of the ring and hits her head on the floor.****

TV: I hope she forgets how to say no.

Seth: And that spot's not the only things she's blown today, I hear.

****Tygress turns around and gets a kick in the stomach from Lita. Lita then tries to do the twist of fate, but****

Seth: ...That requires co-ordination and skill. Two things everyone in this federation appears to lack.

****Tygress pushes here away. Lita turns around and receives a spear from Tygress.****

Crow: (Lita) Wow! First a suplex, now a spear! You two are the BEST!

****Tygress goes for the pin 1...2...3****

TV: I could go for a beer. 1\lang5129 ...\lang1033 2\lang5129 ...\lang1033 3.

****Winner and #1 contender=Tygress
<tygress the to over and on a walks is trish down we tygress of mic.****

TV: Nope. That did make any kind of sense.

Seth: This is so surreal! Not so much a wrestling event as an overly-violent episode of "Twin Peaks"! If a jazz-dancing midget arrives and DDTs Kyle McLauchlain, I won't be a bit surprised!

****gets ropes belt.****

TV: Oh no. The ropes won a belt in this fed? This is worse than that idiot who jobbed to a title belt in BOB.

Seth: Yeah, that was... HEY!

****<her holding stands mat falls gold. full face around turns with ring in slide se sudden all whne ref by raised hand having>****

[Seth is laughing too hard to respond]

TV: I have never been this entertained in my life. Not even that time when I had those three women in my bed at once.

****Trish: So Tygress you may have won this match but on Heat wave****

Crow: Again!? This is the LAST time!

[Everyone waves.]

****you will lose to the best women's champ ME!
<trish the and out walks curtain. through of her ring goes ramp up heads belt takes>****

TV: Show this eh rules Seth?

Seth: Can I phone a friend?

[Sound of Seths cell-phone on speed-dial.]

****we to and their see rey. talking begins hogan match.****

TV: As opposed to the usual no-selling and very slow movements.


Voice on cell-phone: Home of Avenger the Dslexic have reached you. Now right here not I'm, but message a leave and get I'll to you back. BEEP!

Seth: It damn hell to!

****<for ready getting Rey>****

TV: Drunk to take advantage of him.

****Hogan: Tonight Rey we are going to get the Tag Team titles and you know why?
Rey: Why?****

Tom: (50's Mousketeer) Because we wuv you!

***Hogan: Because we are the nWo!!!****

TV: Yep. Name is far more important than ability.

Tom: Recycled angles? NwOoooooooooooo!!!!

****rey the are and on a cole hogan rey next.****

TV: Is that a new sandwich?

Seth: (Short Order Cook) Stingray Hogan with coleslaw, table five! Order UP!

****line Titles Team Tag that say hear We screen. off walk five. high other each give>****

Crow: The show ass it sucks to begin.

****commercial break.>****

TV: Keep watching our entertainment sports!

****when the music to and on a back down come mic. gets ramp hogan rey walk ring. into****

Tom: Along with Hulk Mysterio.

****get play. starts nWo?s Smackdown>****

TV: I just can't believe this fed closed.

Seth: That's the first positive thing I've heard all night, Trey.

****Hogan: Well Rock you ask earlier what the nWo was gona do well Rock the nWo just have this to say JUST BRING IT!!<fans and cheer. boo>****

TV: Fittingly enough, the crowd is just as confused as the sports entertainers and the viewers.

Seth: Anyone else think we should switch this over to some 360WE? Child abuse and poop-filled Swirlies are starting to seem watchable all of a sudden...

****the the hits music rock?s to rock the and walks hit down of ring****

TV: Wait a second. I think I just figured this out. This show was written by Babelfish.

Crow: Possibly, although I don't think there's a Moron-English setting on Babelfish.

****slide ramp Rey. Hogan into punching start way rest run****

TV: This is of lesser intellect than it took to create See Spot Run. See Spot. See Spot run.

Seth: Card stop. Stop card, stop. Please stop. I'm begging you!

****Hurricane Rock. comes stops.****

TV: It's getting too hardcore for TV!

Tom: You have morals?

TV: Yeah. No gay stuff.

****bottom Hurricane?s>****

TV: He likes it on the bottom.

****The nWo vs The Hurricane and The Rock
Tag Team titles on the line****

Tom: If the titles are on the "line", they'll have to "train" hard, huh?

[Silence. A whistling wind. A tumbleweed bounces past.]

Tom: (Eventually) Okay, that wasn't my best line ever... but it's early in the season, okay?

****Rock and Hurricane are punching the Hell out of the Hogan and Rey.****

Seth: (Rock) The power of my fists compells you! The power of my fists compells you!

****Hurricane finally stops hitting Rey and goes and gets into his corner.****

TV: And he even puts on the dunce cap.

****Rey likewise.****

TV: Wow. Two guys sitting in their corners in dunce caps. Now THIS is unique.

**** Hogan and the Rock just keep punching at each other.****

Crow: Meanwhile, even Rey and Hurricane get bored and leave...

****Rock finally gets Hogan into a grapple and give his a belly-to-belly.****

TV: Hogan's gonna need a new grapple for sure now.

****Hogan starts to crawl to Rey but Rock graps his foot***

TV: (Rock) AWWW, grap!

****and drags him over to where the Hurricane is.****

Seth: Florida?

****The Rock tags the Hurricane and Hurricane comes into the match.****

TV: His punishment served.

****The Hurricane gives Hogan a dropkick that hits Hogan right in the jaw.****

Crow: (Hogan) You smudged my paint-on stubble, brother!

****Hurricane picks Hogan up and throws him into the ropes. Rey makes a blind tag.****

TV: It's in Braille.

****When Hogan comes back off the ropes he gives Hurricane a clothesline.****

Seth: I hope that's not the same one that Terri was given earlier... he could catch something off it.

****Rey then puts Hurricane in a sleeper hold. Hurricane looks like he is all mosted drain.****

Crow: He looks like a moist drain?

Tom: He's the hosted with the mosted!

****The ref. raise Hurricane's arm once, it falls, twice, it falls, third, but Hurricane keeps it up this time****

TV: I could swear I just saw it fall three times.

Seth: I'm just going to swear, period. FUCK YOU, OWl!

TV; Feel better?

Seth: Not really...

****and manages to get to his feet he punches Rey in the stomach a couple of time to make Rey let go. When Rey does Hurrican****

TV: Who can do it? Hurrican!

****runs into the ropes and slides uder the legs of Rey****

Tom: Oooh, head-butted him right in the Taco Bells!

****and gives Rey a pump-handle****

TV: Which he then uses to bash him over the head with, starting a riot and ending the show.

****slam. Both men lay motion less on the mat. Rey starts to move and so does Hurricane. Rey tags in Hogan while Hurrican tags in Rock.****

Seth: Whoa! Give me a second to recover from the tension of that action-filled race for the hot tag. (One second later) Okay, I'm good, let's move on.

****Rock gives Hogan a clothesline****

Tom: Woo-Hoo! More clotheslines! I love clotheslines! Everyone gets one! Clotheslineclotheslineclothes...*plink*

[Trey re-sets Tom.]

Tom: Thanks, I needed that.

****and then throws Rey over the top rope to the outside. Hogan gets back up and gets a ddt from the Rock. The Rock then puts Hogan into the SharpShooter.****

Seth: Ring the bell! Ring the bell! Wait, this IS in Montreal, isn't it? Or am I having flashbacks from that bad beer?

****While this is going on Hurricane gets on top of the turnbuckle and gives Rey a huge cross body.****

TV: Of course, to Rey, every body is huge.

****Rey and Hurricane don't move.****

TV: Who let those cops in the ring? Uh oh. Are those immigration officers?

****The ref is looking over at them from inside the ring. While the ref is looking, out of no where comes Bubba Ray Dudly.****

Seth: (Short Order Cook) Miguel, we got a Bubba Dudley Dog, extra Stingray, hold the onions! Let's go, esse!

****Bubba has a chair and hits the Rock right in the face with it. Bubba takes the chair and slides out of the ring. Hogan manages to lay on top of the Rock.****

Seth: Oh, good God, there's an image I DIDN'T need to see...

****The ref turns around and starts the count 1...2...but the Rock kicks out at the last second. The Hurricane and Rey get back up and start fighting each other.****

Crow: In keeping with the bizzare nature of the show, they should have started fighting themselves. While dressed in penguin suits.

Tom: Comabot, did YOU have a hand in booking this show?

Comabot: Narf! That's not a polecat, it's my Auntie May! Mmmm... Gummi Boars!

****Rey starts to run away from Hurricane. Hurricane chasses him around the ring****

TV: Ah, making a little extra cash on the side as a mechanic.

****and is met by a chair shot to the head by Bubba. The Hurricane is knocked out.****

Seth: Bubba said knock you out. Dogg. Umm.. Word up?

Crow: Quit while you're behind, Seth.

Seth: Yo, G.

****Rock is trying to pull himself up by using the ropes.****

TV: Is he suffering from crippling depression or something?

Tom: If I was working for OWl, I sure as hell would be...

****Hogan tages Rey in and Rey starts to kick the Rock over and over. Hogan slides out of the ring and gets the ring bell. Hogan sets it on the edge of the ring.****

Seth: (Hogan the Jeweller) So, that's a 3/4 carat bell in this lovely white gold wrestling ring. And it fits you perfectly! Spring wedding?

****The Rock is trying to fight Rey off but it looks like he is about to run out of steam.****

Crow: Rey is solar-powered, however.

****Rey kickes the Rock in the stomach****

TV: And punchies him in the nutsies.

***and runs into the ropes and gives the Rock a swinging neckbraker.****

Seth: (Sings) It's the neckBRAK show! I'm your host, I'm Brak!

****Rey pulls the Rock over to the turnbuckle.****

TV: (Cop) Do you know why I pulled you over?

****Rey climbls the Turnbuckle and goes for a 540 degree splash,but the Rock moves out of the way.****

TV: He didn't preheat, damnit!

Seth: Okay, as a high-flying cruiserweight, I'd just like to point out that no-one does a 540 splash!

Tom: Why not?

Seth: Because it's one-and-a-half revolutions and you'd land on your fucking HEAD! What is this, Short-Bus Wrestling?

Comabot: Poink! I debate that, Inspector! There WAS a cucumber and I know his name!

Seth: Huh? Oh, that's right... Coma DID use a 540 moonsault for a while... but he's insane.

****The Rock and Rey make their way to each of their corners. When the Rock gets to his he realizes that Hurricane is not there.****

TV: Wonder how he deduced that?

Seth: He could see him fleeing up the aisle shrieking "I quit! Outta my way! FREEEE-DOM!!"...

****Rey tags Hogan in. Hogan waits for the Rock to get to his feet. When the Rock finally get up Hogan gives him a big boot****

Tom: (Hogan) That's for getting all up in my area!

****and goes for the pin 1...2...Oh the Rock kicks out Hogan looks stunned****

TV: And old.

Crow: And bald.

****Rey is yelling at Bubba. Bubba gets up on the side of the ring the ref goes over to him and tells him to get down.*****

TV: And then begins shooting his shotgun at the liquid terminator charging right for them!

Tom: (James Brown) Get DOWN, Bubba! OW!

****Rey runs in with the bell and tries to hit the Rock in the head, but the Rock ducks and he hits Hogan.****

Seth: Hogan refuses to sell, and the angle implodes. Petty backstage politics so rule!

****The Rock turns Rey around and gives him a Rock Bottom. Rey rolls out of the ring, and Bubba thinking that he hit the Rock gets off the ring.****

TV: Man, that boy has a weird fetish. A ring never got me off.

Tom: What, even when you kissed then Pope's ring?

Seth: Ooh, Tom shots, he scores!

****The Rock goes for the pin 1...2...3
Winner and new Tag Team Champs=The Hurricane and The Rock****

TV: The The's everybody!

Seth: Matt Johnsons' going to sue!

****Bubba can't believe it. He gets into the ring and hits the Rock with the chair. Rey gets up and walks over to the Hurricane and throws him into the ring. Bubba sets the Hurricane on the turnbuckle. Rey climbs the same Turnbuckle and gives Hurricane a huge Hurricarana off the top rope.****

Seth: Seth takes brief nap, wakes when something interesting happens. In 2011, most likely.

****By this time Hogan is moving around and making his way up off the mat. Hogan goes and gets something out from under the ring. Rey pushes Bubba and tells him "To get the tables." Bubba gets out of the ring and pulls a****

TV: Towel? What good is THAT gonna do?

****table out from under the ring. Rey turns Hurricane over onto his stomach.****

Tom: I think I'm too young to watch what's about to happen!

****Hogan takes what looks like a spray paint can and writes nWo on the back of Hurricane. Bubba sets the table up and sits on the turnbuckle. Rey gets out of the ring and graps a mic****

Seth: (Rey) Yo, yo! I'm Grap Master Rey! Break it down!

****and gets back in the ring.
Rey: We are going to make a example out of the Rock and Hurricane. You don't try to mess with the nWo.****

TV: Yeah, nobody makes a bigger mess than us! Just go check our bathroom toilet! We nicknamed it ZZ Top since it's growing a beard!

****Rey puts the chair on the Rock's face.
Rey: Lets see a leg-drop.****

TV: (Hogan) Not so loud! Call the spots QUIETER! You're exposing the business!

Seth: Well, at least he picked one of the two moves Hogan can still do these days. Barely, I might add.

****Hogan runs off the ropes and gives the Rock a leg-drop.****

Tom: (Hogan) OW! My hip!

****After Hogan does this Rey takes the chair off of the Rock. The Rock is bleeding all over the ring. Hogan picks the Rock up and hands him to Bubba.****

All: (Hogan) SURPRISE! Happy birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy birthday, dear Bubba... Happy birthday to you!

Crow: (Bubba) But I've already got a Rock!

****Bubba jumps of the turnbuckle with the Rock and lands through a table. Hogan and Rey cheer.****

All: Hooray.

***Hogan turns the Rock over and sprays nWo on the Rock's back.****

TV: That just NEVER gets old.

Tom: Man, that spot has more liver spots than Dick Clark.

****Smackdown goes of the air with the nWo standing over the Hurricane and the Rock.***

[Trey, Seth and the bots get up to leave. 1...2...3...4...5...6 doors later, Trey, Seth and the bots are back on the SOL.]

Crow: Well. That was highly un-painful.

Seth: Speak for yourself, bot. Burn in Hell, OWl!

TV: Why is Trey Vincent here?

Tom: Why is Tom here?

TV: Hey, don't steal my gimmick, scrub. We never did figure out who the evil person is making us watch these bad shows, have we?

[The screen gets all wavy as everyone scratches their chin and the flashback strings get really loud. They then suddenly stop.]

TV: Nope.

Tom: Yup, not getting anything.

Crow: It appears as if there is no good reasons for any of us to be up here. Especially you two people.

Seth: Guess this is our last...hey, what's that blinking light.

TV: I don't know. I don't remember that being there before.

[Scene cuts to a dingy apartment in parts unknown.]

TV: Hey, isn't that where Seth lives?

Seth: He's not even in the same area code.

TV: OK, Studs. Who is this?

[A large man appears on screen. Ed Tenta-Shaw! Everyone GASPS.]

Ed: Hello morons. Yes it seems I am going to take over the world! MWAHAHA--

TV: Boring. (Trey turns off the switch.)

Seth: D'oh. We've got sports entertainment sign!

TV: Again? Didn't we just finish!

[6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.]

Seth: Duty calls.

Crow: No need to announce it, Seth.

Seth: What? Oh shut up.

[On screen, credits begin to roll.]

****Personal Details -
Your Name: Christian Charite Colde****

TV: Why does that name sound familiar?

Seth: Oh. My. God.

Tom and Crow: What? What?

Seth: (Ominously) It's the Evil One...

****Your Email Address: xxxxxxxxxxx@xxxx.com****

Crow: Why was that address censored? Who is it?

Seth: It's the Darkspawn... you could try pyschohosebeast@yahoo.com, that might work.

****Other ways of getting a hold of you (ICQ, AIM, etc.): Try MSN messenger****

TV: Yeah, if we're really desperate.

Seth: You could also try hanging out on any of Quebecs premier gay beaches, that might work.

***Wrestler Section - ****

TV: Blank?

****Wrestler's Name: Neige Thirteen (Ninja Snowman)****

Tom: Oh, him! That guy who hates you two!

TV: Bwahahaha. This guy sucks. Now THIS should cause everyone to NEVER come back to BOB after they get a load of this. And I emphasize 'load.'

****Age: 23
Height: 5 foot 10 inches****

Seth: Ego: Big as all outdoors.

****Weight: 173 pounds (Neige lost 12 pounds since entering the States)****

TV: It's tough not having any talent that allows you to, like, get a job and make a living, isn't it, Neige?

****Hometown: Quebec city, Canada.****

Tom: Canada denies all knowledge of Neige. Eh?

****Currently hails from Coaticook, Quebec.****

TV: Where the jackets are seasoned with just the right ingredients.

****Face/Heel: Tecnico****

TV: Tecnico must be French for jobber, eh?

Crow: It's "Joseph and His Amizing Tecnico-lered Dreamcoat! Half face, half heel, all coat!

****Physical Description (what he wears, what he looks like, what about his features set him aside from other people): Neige is a cinammon-eyed caucassian with a thin, wiry physique. Muscles like steel cables;****

Seth: Sanity dangling by a silken thread.

****his chest seems to protrude exageratingly seeing as he has one of the slimmest waistlines in the business.****

Tom: He's been taking fashion tips from Vampira!

****Of course, no one can tell as he dresses like a cross between Hattori Hanzo from the Samurai Shodown (not a typo) series and a snowman.****

TV: So he dresses in mu-mus, a top hat and sticks a carrot over his nose?

Crow: One's a Samurai! The other's a snowman! Togeteher, they solve mysteries! "Samurai Snowman Shodown, Not a Typo!" This fall on FOX!

****He wears a sleeveless white gi with three black buttons lined verticly.****

TV: Since horizontal buttons just are lame.

****White forearms guards from which protrude wooden branches coming off the elbows.****

TV: Scuzzlebutt?

Seth: You could put someones' eye out with those things!

****Wears white pants, white sandals and a long black sash.****

TV: Just because it makes him feel pretty.

Seth: I've got five bucks that says he's wearing ladies underwear, too...

****A white veil and cowl ensemble hides his face,****

All: GOOD!

****and over his nose you will find a long, orange, carrot nose.****

TV: He DOES wear a carrot? This is just, beyond sad.

****Made out of rubber so that it doesn't fall off or injure people in the eye.****

Seth: Yep, he could tear someone's face off with his twig-loaded arm guards, but wears a rubber nose for safety. What a nice guy.

TV: Ahhh, I doubt his carrot has hurt any chick's eye.

**** Over his face mask is the deep blue scarf of the Quebec Nordiques (the defunct hockey team). ****

TV: There's a bit of something in there.

Tom: Irony?

TV: No.

Crow: Symbolism?

TV: No.

Seth: Utter crapulence?

TV: That's it.

****Lastly, he comes to the ring wearing a glittery gold cape that he believes to have been worn by wrestling legend El Santo.****

TV: His catchphrase was Ho Ho Ho, Esse!

Crow: Neige also believes a tiny purple elephant called "Bucky" lives in his head, telling him to burn things.

****Oh yeah, and he uses a "Neigeboard, the stylised snowboard that is said to carry the soul of a samurai.****

Seth: Or so Bucky tells him...

****It's a weapon that he leaves by ringside along with his cape. Neige doesn't cheat, but he will knock out cheaters.****

TV: So, what, the board hits his opponents by itself?

**** Did you notice? Neige took off the powder blue shoulderpads. Its for his finisher.****

TV: Can't say I noticed.

Crow: Or cared!

****Stereotype: Super fly white guy in a ninja snowman outfit that worships El Santo. It's a little known stereotype.****

TV: I'm quickly becoming a Neigeist.

Crow: Lets get us a noose and some gasoline.

Seth: I thought his stereotype was "Insane Quebecer rapidly vanishing up his own rectum." It's also little-known, though surprisingly apt in this case..

****Wrestler most compared to: Kid Dragon, with some mad skillz lifted from the XiaoXiao Stickman.****

TV: Ah, so he's inspired by a stickman.

****Theme Music: Les Boys by Lapointe
Entrance: (Please surround description with [brackets] and use the announcer's initials (RA: ).****

TV: RA: Niege steps out and everyone laughs at him, then, disgusted by him, attacks him en masse, stomping him to a bloody death or coma. The end.

****[The opening guitar riffs from Lapointe's masterpiece, Les Boys, reverberates throughout the arena, allowing each of Neige Thirteen's megafans to sing along with the opening chords.****

Seth: Neiges' "megafans" can't applaud, of course. Not unless someone loosens the straps on their straitjackets.

****Anticipation is building****

TV: Much like my nausea.

****as Quebecs number one son prepares to make his appearance.]****

TV: Maurice Rocket Richard?

****Fans: nah nah na-na-na, nah nah.****

Seth: (Signs) Hey-eh-eh... Get bent!

Tom: Even the song is mocking him.

****[A video montage of Neige Thirteen's greatest spots plays****

TV: No wonder the screen is blank.

****on the WILD-o-tron or whatever it's called, followed by these three japanese kanjis: SPIN - A - ROONIE****

Crow: Oddly, the Japanese kanji for "Roonie" is interchangable with the kanji for "Loser".

****Lapointe begins his testament to Quebec's masculinity: the words are french but the voice is there, ushering a new brand of heros to the ring. Thankfully, subtitles are provided for the non-french speaking audience.]****

TV: Oh, this should be good.

****#Allez, viens, j'te paye une broue#****

[Tape pauses.]

Tom: Gee, what do you suppose that said? We should make a game out of this. Trey, you go first.

TV: When it comes to sucking, all bow to me?

Seth: You'll need to be drunk to enjoy my matches?

****(*Here, come, I'll pay the beer*)****

Seth: I was close!

#To, t'as lur ben e bonne place#

[Tape pauses.]

TV: Every place I've been has shit on me?

Seth: I have no penis, where did it go?

****(*You got your heart where it counts*)****

Crow: Ooh, not even close that time, Seth...

Seth: So my French is a little rusty, okay?

****#Quand un des nftres mange un coup#*****

[Tape pauses.]

Seth: Pass me four cups, my dog has mange?

TV: Give me another cup of piss so I can keep my job?

(*When one of ours takes a blow*)

Tom: Whoa, that's kind of...

Crow: Faggy.

****#T'es l'premier saut\\'e9 s'a glace# ****

[Tape pauses.]

TV: I'm the biggest piece of garbage on the planet?

Seth: I salute you, giant glace cherry?

(*You're the first to hit the ice*)

Crow: He must play for the Kings!

****#C'est plus que nos histoires de cul#****

[Tape pauses.]

Seth: I flunked history?

TV: No bigger scrub in sports entertainment history than me?

****(*This is more than our stories of sex*)****

Tom: We lied about getting laid!

****#De sports, de chars, de femmes#****

[Tape pauses.]

TV: Wait, wait. If you want to talk sex and chicks, you gotta talk to the man in this theater. No offense Seth.

Seth: Fine, but oddly I don't see Steve Studnuts anywhere today...

****(*Of sports, of cars or women*)
#Au-dele d'nos differences de vue****

Seth: I am differently engendered?

****(*Beyond our differences of opinions*)****

[Tape pauses.]

TV: Umm. How much longer is this crap?

Crow: Too long...

****#La gang c'est la gang#****

[Tape pauses.]

TV: He wants to get banged by a gang?

****(*The gang is still the gang*)
RA : Introducing- from a ninja monastary in Coaticook, Canada. Standing at five feet, ten inches and weighing in at 173 pounds.
[The spotlights all fade,****

TV: Not wanting to have any part of this complete jackass.

****replaced by black lights as a fluorescent snow falls from the rafters.****

Crow: We must be at the Three Mile Island Arena.

****A gray, luminescent smoke puffs about the entranceway. Fans look up,****

TV: Hoping Neige is plunging to his death.


TV: And bored.

Seth: And suicidal once they realise it's Neige.

****as the music plays on.]
#On teche pas, on est encore l\\'e0#****

[Tape pauses.]

TV: Alright, you know what? I'm sick of this subtitle shit. Go on and have your fun. If you dare.

Seth: Fine, I'll take it. Wuss. *ahem* I have passed my technicals, encore, encore?

*****We don't give up, we're still there*)

#Fide8les au poste, preats au combat#****

Seth: Fiddling with the postman, he fights because we're queer?

****(*Posted at our stations, ready to fight*)
#Les chums c'est fait pour \\'e7a\\'85#****

Seth: Hmmm. Difficult to tell, seeing as how the text was MicroSquidged by the notepad file.

TV: Screw this French formatting! Damn you Steve!

Seth: Steve?

****(*Thats what chums are for*)****

Tom: Chums? What is this, the Gay National Anthem?


TV: I'd be more entertained by Neige Fridge. Preferably stocked with beer. And lots of it.

****[The lights abruptly flash as the crowd PO-O-O-O-O-O-O-PS ! ! ! ****


TV: Wow. I've never seen a crowd poop in unison before.

****Neige Thirteen jumps through the entranceway amidst a cloud of smoke.****

TV: And is buried up to his neck in a big chocolaty messes.

Tom: (Singing) Smoke, on the fe-ces. Fire in the hole.

****He quickly dashes on through and stands in the middle of the ramp, pointing to and acknowledging his many supporters.****

Seth: All the guys from the Ronald Reagan Home for the Hopelessly Insane!

Tom: The only thing supporting him is his legs. And I don't think they're particularly happy about it either.

****Lapointe gets his mojo going, as the guitar gets louder, the vocals harsher and the fans cheer their approval of Neige Thirteen.]

Seth: I learned how to lay boys in my Eagle Scout Troop, back in '85?

****(*We're much too proud, Les Boys\\'85*)

Seth: I'm a poor failure?

****(*To give it up !*)

Seth: Did I mention we lay boys? But we're not gay. Honest.

****(*We're too much like brothers, Les Boys*)
#\\'c0 LA VIE, COMME \\'c0 LA GUERRE ! ! !#****

Seth: Look out, here comes Eddie Guerrerro?

Crow: We wish!

****(*As in life, as in war ! ! !*)
#On est trop fiers, les Boys
(*We're much too proud, Les Boys*)****

[Trey picks up, ponders, and then tosses away a 10-foot pole.]

****[Neige Thirteen walks down the aisle, slapping hands as he passes by.****

TV: I believe that should say is slapped repeatedly as he passes by.

**** Clad in his white ninja outfit with the three buttons lined verticaly,****

Tom: Well, where ELSE would he have the buttons? On the ceiling? Up a canal somewhere?

****he sports a scarf of the Quebec Nordiques, a mask with a rubber carrot over his face and the all-important GLITTERY GOLD CAPE OF EL SANTO.****

Seth: Thereby making himself look like an escapee from the Sydney Gay Mardi Gras.

****The crowd are on their feet, cheering as one Neige is more then a gimmick, he's a real live human being that still fights for what is right, that respect both technique and tradition.****

TV: To drink beer, be an asshole and chop off any fingers that go numb from cold. Yup.

****A real life hero, a funny looking ninja guy. Lapointe tones it down as Neige Thirteen climbs the ring steps and the turnbucke.]****

TV: Which is just dying to give out right now.

****#Peut-\\'eatre qu'on veut pas vieillir,#****

Seth: More lyrics? okay... *hmmm*...Vile eating, Qui-gon, pass the Valium?

****(*Maybe we don't want to grow up,*)****

Tom: And that summed up Neige in a nutshell.

Seth: He should be in a nutHATCH, in my honest opinion.

****#\\'c9ternels adolescents\\'85#****

Seth: He likes pre-teens? I'm not goin' there!

****(*Eternal teenagers*)
#Parce qu'on est une famille#****

Seth: My family sealed me in a parcel?

****(*Because we're a family*)
#\\'c0 l'\\'e9preuve du temps.#****

Seth: My career will be temporary?

****(*Proof against time*)
[Neige Thirteen stands with both feet on top of the top turnbuckle, arms crossed against his chest, his cape and scarf blowing in the wind.****

TV: (Play-by-play guy) They're still farting up a storm tonight!

Crow: (Dean Cain) You're stealin' my bit, Neige!

Tom: (Christopher Reeve) You stole it from me first!

**** He surveys the crowd, his people; this guardian of the snow****

Seth: "Guardian of the snow"? What is he, a frickin' St. Bernard?

****as Lapointe goes back to the chorus once more time, Neige executes a half-twisting moonsault, landing on his feet,****

Tom: Aw, BOO! Land on your face next time! It'll be much more entertaining.

****a move that would shame most Olymipian gymnasts.]****

TV: Olymipian? Must be some Canada thing.

****#On t'l\\'e2che pas, on est encore l\\'e0#****

Seth: Did someone ask for an encore? I shall sing the song again.

All: NOOOOoooooo!

****(*Don't give up, we're still with you*)
#Fid\\'e8les au poste, pr\\'eats au combat#****

Seth: We are still at war with the postman, and I think he's packing heat?

****(*Ready at our stations, ready to fight*)
#Les chums c'est fait pour \\'e7a#
(*That's what chums are for*)****

Seth: Yeah, bum chums! *pause* Wow, personal abuse through MSTing is so cathartic! I wonder if we can find Pauly Shores' bio?

****[Neige removes his cape in one grandiose, twirling motion. His attention never leaves his opponent as the ring attendant takes Neige's cape.****

Tom: (Ring attendant) Eww, it's got snow-cooties!

****Neige momentarily turns his back, pointing at the crowd, letting them know that he appreciates their support. He turns back]****

TV: Most everyone is now using a walker or a wheelchair after waiting for so long.

Crow: Hope the fed is having three-hour shows!

(*We\\rquote re much too proud, Les Boys\\'85*)****

Seth: Hmmm... Nope, I'm too bored to keep riffing the song.

TV: Get on with it already. This entrance is longer than most matches.

(*To give it up !*)
(*We're too much like brothers, Les Boys*)
#\\'c0 LA VIE, COMME \\'c0 LA GUERRE ! ! !#
(*As in life, as in war ! ! !*)
(*We're much too proud, Les Boys*)****

All: (Weakly) Yay.

****[Neige Thirteen is ready to fight.]****

TV: I'm ready for bed.

Crow: Too bad his opponent dropped dead of old age before the second chorus.

****Primary Wrestling Style: Ninjitsu, the deadly martial art of the Ninja! (High flying maneuvers with ninjitsu strikes)****

TV: Don't forget to use rapid-action bore mode!

Seth: (TV Announcer) Hey, kids! Be the first in your neighbourhood to own a Neige 13, with new Ninjitsu Grip and Never-Shuts-the-Fuck-Up action! Batteries not included.

TV: I hear his toy isn't selling very well.


TV: Get it? Selling? Not selling? He doesn't SELL?

[Longer pause]

Seth: Ohhhh... SELLing! I get it!

TV: Sheesh.

****Secondary Wrestling Style: Lucha libre, the deadly martial art of goofy submission moves!****

Crow: Goofy? Man, If I was El Santo, I'd be kicking this guys ass right about now.

****(More high flying maneuvers with convoluted submissions/pins)
Experience level: Unknown. Despite his young age, acts like a veteran of many years.****

TV: Whatever. Can we go now?

****Strengths (as many as you want, or as few as you want)
(One to two sentences for each. Be realistic.)****

Seth: ...After all, no-one likes an UNrealistic Animated Snowman Ninja based on Obscure Japanimation...

****Balance! Neige's fighting style forces him to depend on highflying strikes, and Neige delivers!****

Tom: But only within a certain zone, 4pm to midnight. Neige carries no more than twenty dollars in change.

****He rarely misses when he goes up top, never loses his footing on a springboard attack and always seems to land on his feet after a big dump.****

Crow: Ewww!

TV: Yeah, its tricky when your pants are around your ankles and you go to wipe.

****Promoters FINALLY have a cruiserweight that WON'T blow all of his spots!****

[Everyone looks at Seth.]

Seth: WHAT? I'm allowed to blow one spot per match! It's in my contract...

****Fast! Ultra-quick runner, climbs turnbuckles in a hurry, gets a succesful top rope smash from the slimmest of set up moves.****

Crow: So he's based his style on Smackdown2: The Playstation Game, then?

Seth: Sounds like he could teach the Undertaker a thing or two about no-selling.

****Lightning quick reflexes! Always thinking on the run and comes up with innovative counters on the fly.****

TV: So all his moves are crotch-oriented.

****Knows ninja tricks!****


Seth: (Alan Kalter) Tonight on the Late Show... Stupid Ninja Tricks!

****Camouflage, hidden weapons, ninja teleportations all there! ****

TV: He's mastered the art of teleportation as well? Why the hell is he sports entertaining again? Hell I'd be checking out the women's locker rooms, bathrooms, bedrooms, living rooms, hotel rooms, changing rooms ...

Seth, Tom and Crow: We get it!

****Intelligent! Despite how he might appear,****

Seth: No comment.

****Neige is smart and keeps a cool head in the ring.****

Tom: Being a snowman and all...

****Great at finding counters to big moves or using the environment to his advantage.

TV: It's raining? YES! I will throw raindrops at you!

****Lucky! In his many years of wrestling, Neige has gone through very few injuries (which solidifies his reputation as one of the top high-flyers in e-wrestling).***

TV: Yep, he's a durable bunch of letters on a screen. Yup.

Seth: "Very few injuries" is of course e-wrestling kayfabe for "I have no life to interrupt my e-wrestling".

****This also shows in the ring where he gets the all too prevalent lucky break.****

TV: It may be prevalent, but that won't stop him from using it too.

****Nimble! Small size is an advantage when it comes to avoiding big moves.****

TV: But a disadvantage when trying to get laid. Not that I'd know.

Seth: Neige'd know...

Tom: Man, what did this guy do, Seth? Set fire to your puppy?

****Allows him to escape submission locks better. Limber back allows him to receive HUGE bumps and require less hospital time.****

Crow: He did spend a spell in hospital having an "appliance" removed from his rear once.

Seth: Turned out to be his head.

****As an added detail, Neige's shoulders are double jointed.****

TV: He can squirm his way up anybody's ass.

****Weaknesses (One to two sentences for each. You must have as many weaknesses as strengths. If your character does not have any weaknesses, find another place to do this game)****

Tom: (Lemmy) Time to do the GAME!

Crow: (HHH) Not bloody likely!

****Not a mat tactician (for some reason, prefers to use overly convoluted lucha knots instead of quick bodylocks.****

Seth: His Lucha knots earned him a merit badge in the Lucha Scouts...

****Beware, these overly convoluted lucha holds hurt like the Dickens and seem practically inescapable)****

TV: Unless you're ME! The great Neige! Bow before me.

****Not a brawler (doesn' t last in a punch Vs punch fight,****

TV: Really? In that case, I'm going to issue an open challenge. Come fight me on a future iAd MST!

Seth: I got ten bucks on Trey!

Tom: Me too!

Crow: Ditto! You'd have to be crazy to bet on the snowman...

Comabot: Poink!

Seth: Coma covers all bets!

****finds it better to stick and move)
Small size and ultra lightweight frame nearly forbids him from using lifting slams against his opponents.****

Tom: It also means he's forced to use the "Pat Patterson" method of ensuring a push. Hope he's got a real purty mouth...

****With most other cruiserweights approaching the 230 pound mark, this severly hampers his moveset. Or not (see moveset to make any decision).****

TV: What's the consensus everyone?

Crow: It sucks.

Tom: Sucks.

Seth: Agreed.

TV: OK then.

****Posseses a strict code of honor (although that doesn' t forbid him of hitting heels over the head with his Neigeboard when they cheat)****

Crow: It's the Code of the Ninjerks!

****Although quite the handsome go-getter, Neige seems to have problems reacting to female advances.****

TV: Uh oh.

****Becomes quite shy around the fairer sex.****

Seth: Yep, this is my "surprised" look. Never would have guessed.

TV: Women, fairer? Yeah, that confirms it. He IS ga--

****Finds cats irresistable.****

TV: SAY WHAT!!!???

[Tom looks at Trey.]

Tom: Now, THAT'S a surprised look.

[Tom looks at Seth]

Tom: And there's another one!

****This often leads him to trouble.****

TV: He can't be serious.

****No, I'm serious.****

Tom: That confirms it, Trey. He likes to make sweet love to felines.

Seth: And that's the only pussy he's EVER getting...

****What do you mean, that's not a true weakness? Okay, say that he's too trusting and naeve instead. Yeah.****

TV: OK. Too trusting, naeve and cat-fucking!

Tom: Gotta love Trey's subtle humor, don't you?

Seth: Meeeeoooow.

****Wrestling Moves (Neige is a champion, and gets 30 moves instead of the normal 25! 25 basic moves + 5 Signatures)****

Seth: (Sings) 'Cause Neige, is the champion... my frieeends! No.. he... is a loser.. in the endddd...

****(Neige named a few of these basic maneuvers [Names in square brackets])****

Crow: Bored bots in the theatre.

****1. Ninja chops and various ninjitsu striking (see XiaoXiao movies)
2. Various ninja flying kick techniques (see XiaoXiao movies)****

Crow: Wasn't Xiao Xiao a panda at Londons' Royal Zoo


TV: Yeah, let me just rush to this site.

****3. Wrist lock takedown
4. Flying headscissors (not a hurricanrana) (MULTIPLE variants, most notably being the cartwheel into FH, handstand into jumping FH, diving FH suicida,***

Seth: And of course the FU Neige.

****top rope FH, handstand on top rope FH [Funky Snowman Headscissors]****

Tom: Sheeee-it! That Snowbrother is suh-weeeet! He gots the funky moves, sho' nuff!

Crow: Th' hell was that, Tom?

Tom: Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Pam Grier movies lately...

Crow: I dig.

****and leaping from the top of his opponents shoulders FH [Cirque Du Snowman])****

Seth: Yeesh, now I just want to reach into the screen and slap him for that bad pun.

TV: Does he have a move called Slash the Snowman's Throat? I'd mark hard for that move. And I haven't marked out in a long time. I've lost my mark.

****5. Top turnbuckle corkscrew back elbow (on standing opponent)
6. Ninja catapult (if caught in a dragon sleeper (inverted facelock), Neige will hook the back of his opponents neck to lift himself up, up and over, and when he lands behind his opponent, he'll instead plant both of his feet in the small of his opponents back. Hooking his opponents face with his hands, he'll land on his back and launch his opponent straight up before kipping up and hitting his opponent in mid-air with a flying spin kick. Can also be done to reverse a suplex.)****

Seth: That move must be performed in zero gravity....

TV: He'll also piss all over his opponent and no-sell his finisher.

****7. Neck cutter kick (flying roundhouse kick to the back or the side of the neck: done as an enziguri-type counter to leg catches, a stand-alone attack, Hurricane Helms What a Shot! Shinning Wizard type maneuver or as a triangle jump from the top turnbuckle when an opponent stumbles out of the corner)****

TV: Triangle, huh? You like triangles Neige?

*****8. Kick to the back of the thigh on a running opponent (with back to ropes),thus shooting him outside of the ring (Great set up move)
9. Flip over clothesline****

Seth: Of course, if the ring crew didn't set up a clothesline in the ring for him to flip over, he's fucked.

****10. Running shooting star press dive from the ring apron (on standing opponent)****

TV: That's not even possible!

Seth: Then again, Neige proabably just does the running and jumping part. Then the entire universe revolves around him....

****11. Step over toe hold catapult (a step over toe hold, but Neige bends down and cradles the neck before rolling forwards and launching his opponent at the end of the roll)****


****12. Shoryuken****

TV: Eye poke?

Tom: That's either a new Japanese car or one of those combo moves in "Street Fighter 3".

****13. Spinning dropkick through the ropes you might have seen Rey Mysterio Jr doing (I thought him that)****

TV: He's psychic, he watched it on Smackdown and stole it for himself. Oh man, what a ninja trick!

****[1-819. Unless used in Quebec, then its simply called the 819 because its local.]****

Seth: (Monotone) He is so funny. It is to laugh. Ha. Ha.

****14. Japanese Leg Roll Clutch (often as a follow-up to his trademark slams)****

Crow: After just telling us he doesn't do any slams. Dink.

****Sliding through the opponents legs and grabbing both arms for the Japanese Leg Roll Clutch****

TV: Egg roll clutch? Man, that's disgusting!

****15. Twisting Moonsault (moonsault with 180 twist)****

Seth: WHAT? He can NOT steal my finisher! I refuse to share moves with this guy!

****(Near inifinite uses: standing splash, from top rope, as a body press, ring apron to inside or as a running suicida [Moonsault Con Hilo])****

TV: Longest. Move. Ever.

****16. Super arm drag with leg throw (or standing on the top rope arm drag with leg throw)****

Crow: Arm, leg... Pick an appendage already!

****[Called the Interceptor, because more often then not, it interrupts the opponent from doing a top rope move. Used to be a DDT, but Sid Starr is using the Super DDT as his finisher, so it' ll be an arm drag with leg throw from now on.]****

TV: I must say, all this useless information is rushening my brain death. Thanks.

****17. Ninja body switch technique. After receiving a clothesline or something, there will be a puff of smoke and it will appear that it was a log that got hit.****

Crow: What the hell? Why is he bringing lumber into the ring?

Tom: It's a lumberjerk match, I think...

****Neige comes down from above and hit his opponent with a head scissors or a DDT or something.****

TV: Hurraconrana! Bitch! HAHAHAHA. Eat the huraconrana you feckin luchydore!

****18. Running handspring dropkick (either ends up with Neige standing on his opponents chest, or with Neige kicking his opponent in mid-air, using the force of the kick to propel himself backwards and to his feet) [Rocket Dropkick]****

TV: And if that doesn't work, a running asai moonsault shooting star press corkscrew suplex powerbomb!

Seth: I think Neige was trained by Wile E. Coyote, because he's certainly using Cartoon Physics! Better check his back pocket for ACME brand TNT before the match, ref!

****19. Dancing Nudo Lagunero (crossed arms elevated figure four leg lock with Neige hopping around the ring like an idiot,****

TV: It's like the old saying, a little truth makes the lie go down. Ask any woman I've banged.

Seth: I'll take you up on that challenge.

[Seth picks up his cellphone.]

TV: Who are you calling?

Seth: Neiges' mom...

****often done from a double leg takedown) [Neige calls it the Lagunero Jivin' , others have called it the Mexican Jumping Bean]****

TV: I call it the Jobbey Dance! Do the dance, do the dance, do the job. Yeah, sexy baby, do the Jobbey-Job, do a do the Jobbey Job!

****20. Oklahoma roll bow and arrow (opponent on hands and knees, Neige leaps and****

Crow: ...Mounts him like a goat!

****lands knee first across his opponent' s back, rolling forwards while hooking the neck and thigh.****

TV: He really likes rolling around with the boys, don't he?

Crow: Don't forget their thighs.

****Occasionaly done from the top or second rope) [Oklahoma roll & arrow]****

Seth: (Short order cook) Orteez, where the hell's that Oklahoma Roll for table five? You're falling in the weeds, let's go!

****21. Smashing rambunctious and unrepenting heels over the head with his Neigeboard. Will not be used against fellow tecnicos****

TV: It will be shoved up your asshole in dark bedrooms Neige is in, however.

****22. Cobra clutch drop (Like Matt Hardys sleeper hold drop, but from a cobra clutch. Adds pressure on the neck.)
23. TKO from Tokyo: Neige Thirteen executes a standing backflip, landing on his feet before running at his opponent and hitting them with a flurry of rapid kicks, punches, roundhouse strikes then finishing off with a Bruce Lee style flying side kick.****

TV: He used to call it the Sell For My Midget Ass, Bitch! combo.

****24. New School: Neige grabs his opponent' s hand and shows off a sign that reads NEW SCHOOL!!!****

Seth: (Neige) I taught 'Taker that! I'm the orginator! Me! Mememememe! Who better than Neige? Whatcha gonna do when Neige runs wild on you! Neige 3:16! MEMEME!

[Trey sticks his middle finger up at the screen.]

TV: I think you know what this sign says.

****with his free hand, then climbs the turnbuckle, running on the top ring rope (Neige Thirteen is a WEE bit faster and more agile then Mark Calloway, don t you know).****

TV: Who isn't?

Tom: The Iron Sheik and King Kong Bundy... and that's about it!

****Midway through, he'll leap off in a 450 degree somersault (landing on his stomach), wrenching his opponents arm forwards (even if they roll, their arm will still be wrenched by a full spin).****

Seth: Thus setting a record for "Most Pointlessly Complex Set-up For a Simple Arm-Wrench". He really IS a luchadore!

****25. Ninja-roonie****

TV: Because You Can't Powerbomb-Slam-Suplex-Clothesline-Counter-Punch-Kick-Elbow-Kneelift-Etc-Etc Neige!

****Trademark maneuvers:****

Crow: Boring everyone.

TV: I'd have respect for this if he was actually doing it for the purpose of boring people. But sadly, he isn't doing it on purpose. But we are. Because we are the iAd. And we must endure this crap to send people fleeing from their TV screens. Because BOB sucks.

****Quebecois Slush Muncher****

Seth: Is that anything like a Memphis Muff Muncher? (Does a double take) Man, I am getting SO badly influenced by you, Trey.

TV: Good. My work here is done.

****\lang5129 ****\lang1033 (off the corner modified calf-branding): Opponent in corner, Neige sets up the move by raising up a sign that reads NINJA IN THE HIZZOUSE! while running around or something like that according to match strat.\lang5129 ****

Tom: Yes, it's the first-ever "Running Around Like a Frickin' Idiot" Match! Only in WILD Wrestling!

****\lang1033 He then runs in and flips over his opponent akin to a running flipover neckbreaker, but instead spins his body 180 degrees in mid-air, kicks off the ringpost\lang5129 ****

Crow: ...Executes a 720 flat-spin to fakie ollie kickflip, gets down, jumps up and picks a bale of cotton!

****\lang1033 and plants a knee along his opponents spine to execute a modified calf-branding.****

TV: A what?!

****By the by, if you don't know what slush is, its the mixture of mud and snow found all too often in the streets of Quebec.\lang5129 ****

Tom: Which is why I hate Quebec. Along with half the rest of the English-speaking world.

Seth: The views of Tom Servo in no way reflect the opinions of Sports Entertainment Theatre 3000. Even though I hate Quebec, too.

****\lang1033 Especially gruesome near springtime.****

TV: Eat slush and die!

****Icebrand (reverse arm trap bulldog with mid-air mount/snowboarding posing): With the opponent doubled over, Neige executes a reverse arm trap (the set-up to a Japanese Ocean Bomb, in case you don't know what a reverse arm trap is)****

TV: What is a Japanese Ocean Bomb?

Tom: It's kind of like a punch.

TV: Oh.

Seth: It's nothing like a--

Tom: Remember who you're talking to.

Seth: Gotcha.

****and positions himelf to the left of his bent opponent, locking both of their arm with his right arm. He'll point forwards with his left arm before dragging his opponent in this modified bulldog. Before falling down, he'll jump on his opponents back\lang5129 ****

Seth: MIGHT be time to put the kids to bed!

****\lang1033 and ride him like a snowboard (with much posing).****

TV: He will then pull out his teeny dick and try to jack off on him, but fail miserably, having been born without balls.

****When the opponent falls, Neige usually does a snowboarder's pose and stomps his opponent face in the ground for good measure. Or he might do his unique Ninja strut, which consists of him Flair strutting up and down his opponent s spine, stopping at the butt,\lang5129 ****

Seth: Yeah, THERE'S a surprise.

****\lang1033 cupping his hands in front of his mouth as if to WHOOO, but instead quickly going for a sign that reads WHOOO!!! and raising it high in the air. Yes, he's silly.****

TV: Neige's unique Flair strut. Yes, you're silly. Silly as in completely fucked up.

****Octogon Special with a side of NINJA!\lang5129 ****

Seth: (Short order cook.) Order UP!

****\lang1033 (Grounded octopus hold from a crooked cartwheel): You might have seen the first half of this move executed by RVD as a method for pinning his opponents.****

Tom: You'd have to be as stoned as RVD to enjoy watching Neige do it.

[Trey suddenly leaps up and runs toward the screen.]

TV: Damn you, be entertaining movie screen!

****Approaching his opponent off-center, Neige will make a low (crooked) cartwheel so as to scissor lock his opponents near leg,****

TV: GAH! (Re-takes his seat.)

****causing his opponent to tumble on their back as Neige continues the cartwheel so as to fold-up his opponent into a pinning predicament (the opponent ends up on their back, folded up by their own leg.\lang5129 ****

Crow: And requiring months of othapedic surgery afterwards.

****\lang1033 Neige is at a perpendicular angle, stomach facing the ground, supported by both hands).****

TV: And with the world's smallest erection in his pants.

****But that\f2 ' s where the similarities end. Neige then slips his leg that is closest to his opponent\lang5129 '\lang1033 s head behind their neck while grabbing his opponents****

TV: Crotch and starting giving a hand job.

****near arm. With his remaining hand, he'll push himself backward and when on his back, will bridge with his head. This forces his opponent to support himself on one leg, with Neige's leg crushing down on their neck and his arms grabbing them in an armbar!\lang5129 ****

Tom: You also end up crushed beneath the weight of Neiges ego...

****\lang1033 Near impossible to break out and could be considered a secondary finisher.***

TV: He should just print out this shit and hit his opponent over the head with it.

Seth: He could kill someone if he did that! This makes the script for "Titanic" look like a pamphlet of boating safety tips!

Crow: If he ever writes an autobiography, Canada will do an Atlantis from the sheer weight of it!

****Finisher (the move that ENDS it, no questions asked!):****

TV: Huh?

****Snowdrop Cyclone (fly up and around inverted DDT)
Finisher Description: Neige Thirteen dropped the Ninja Driver (a behind the back inverted DDT from a firemans carry position) as a finisher in the United States after realising that his opponents were only going to become bigger and heavier,\lang5129 ****

Tom: While he was only going to become weaker and less significant.

****\lang1033 making the move more dangerous for him then for his opponents. Though the Ninja Driver will always be a fan favorite in Mexico,\lang5129 ****

Seth: Because Mexicans are obviously starved for any form of "entertainment" whatsoever...

****\lang1033 Neige has perfected his Ninja Cyclone DDT (Snowdrop Cyclone) to hit it off with a minimum of set-up time. Similar to Rocky' s old wrap-around DDT (although with a vertical lift and spin as opposed to Rocky s horizontal wrap around move), Neige hooks his opponents neck by wrapping his arm around the back of their neck (using his double-jointed shoulders) before flying up and around his opponent, spinning them into a flying inverted DDT.****

TV: Does this *get* any better.

****Counter: Sad to say, Neige has perfected the Snowdrop Cyclone to the point that there is no counter to the move once its been started.****

TV: NeHHHige.

Seth: Now THAT was unusally subtle, Trey...

****The only saving grace for his opponent is that Neige requires a minimum of two steps forwards to get the sufficient lift to fly up and around his opponent. The VERY quick witted and agile COULD\lang5129 ****

Seth: ...Kick the living shit out of Neige with the minimum of effort. Along with your average Girl Scout.

****\lang1033 roll forward immediatly once Neige grabs the back of the neck, but heavier opponents have no hope of a chance at escape.****

TV: Because midgets are good and normal people are evil.


Seth: If it works, I'd like to do it on Neige.

TV: I'm about to do a death maneuver. Where's my gat, yo?

****Ninja Death Driver (Texas Clover Leaf face first piledriver!)
Description: From a Texas Clover Leaf, Neige bends his knees as far back as he can and leaps up, then in midair he'll wrap his right leg behind, across and around his foe's torso****

TV: And begin humping him like a dog.

Tom: Neige 13 IS Plastic Man!

**** before placing the sole of his shoe (sandal?) underneath their chin. Used for PPVs or when Neige is truly ticked off.\lang5129 ****

Seth: Which is pretty much all the time, in my personal experience.

****\lang1033 MOST DANGEROUS MOVE EVER, or your money back.\lang5129 ****

Seth: Hey, I debate that! I've SEEN Bill DeMotts moonsault!

****\lang1033 Because this move uses the opponents spine as much as his own leg strenght for lift, Neige can do this move on people much heavier then he is.****

TV: Neige is a fly to fat guys.

****Basic Character Biography (wrestling biography. If any real life facts play into his wrestling biography, that's fine.\lang5129 )

Crow: (Neige 13) Real life? This IS my life, you idiot! I'm a snowman! A NINJA snowman!

****\lang1033 I don't particularly care at this point that when your wrestler was eight years old he liked to show his underwear to little girls.):****

TV: I preferred to see little girls underwear. Um, WHEN I was little. Not now. Child molestation, not cool.

Seth: Quit while we're still on the air, buddy...

****Some have said that Neige Thirteen is but the surreal dream born out of the idealism of a young child who believed in a world better then what it is these people are wrong.****

Seth: Others think he was born out of the deranged mind of a French-Canadian meglomaniac with severe inferiority problems.

TV: And others who bother to waste their time believe he was an aborted pile of feces.

****Others have said that Neige Thirteen was born during a snowy thunderstorm, when a bolt of lightning struck a snowman and brought him to life these people are even more wrong. And they've seen the movie Number 5 is Alive one too many time to be deemed legally sane.****

Seth: In Neige's universe, this qualifies as "humour", I think.

[Trey weeps.]

****Neige Thirteen is a ninja. A ninja dressed up as a snowman, but a ninja nonetheless. Once an operative for a nebulous Quebecois secret society aiming for total world domination,\lang5129 ****

Crow: The Royal Order of the Mooses?

Seth: Mooses? I think it's.. uh... "Meese"?

****\lang1033 this ninja now fights for truth, justice and the American way! The heartbreaking rejection from his love broke his spirit in half,****

TV: I'll break your body in half so you can have a matching set! WEEEEEEEEEEP WEEPWEEP.

****and surely would it have left him to die as a withered wreck in some dark alleyway if it weren't for the saving grace of a mysterious maestro of lucha libre!****

TV: This better not turn out to be Shimmy boy.

****Picking him up from the streets and teaching him the manly ways of his sport, that mysterious maestro purged Neige's tears from his eyes and what evil was left from his heart!****

TV: What about MY tears. What about the evil in MY heart!

Seth: (Mysterious Maestro) Neige, I will teach you the manly ways of our sport! Now go put on your fruity outfit and sing our homoerotic theme song!

****Now wrestling in an American federation called WILD, Neige upholds the tecnico methods of lucha libre: donating mostof his money to orphanages,\lang5129 ****

Tom: ...Getting the hell beat out of him by the orphans.

****\lang1033 rekindling his dream to become a great Mexi-Lucha movie star like his idol El Santo, all while beating the rudos at their own tricks with his ninja training!
The story so far? Well, Neige Thirteen isn't a Mexi-Lucha movie star yet,****

TV: I'll give you the starring role in my first snuff film. Promise!

Tom Have you ever SEEN a Mexican luchadore film? He's not setting his sights too high, I tellya!

****but it isn't from lack of trying. Neige has impressed the American fans with unique highflying maneuvers that have never been seen before.\lang5129 ****

Seth: Because they are, of course, physically imossible.

****\lang1033 But wrestling in the States has introduced Neige Thirteen to a much heavier set of opponents.****

TV: Yeah, sorry, we actually have supermarkets here instead of little shacks in the middle of slushy frozen Canada.

****While most other flyweights would pack on the muscle mass to compete with the "larger" competition, Neige instead decided to embrace his uniqueness and actually lose some weight in favor of quickness and better flight potential****

TV: I smell pussy.

Crow: Is it on your fingers?

****(not to mention his God-like agility and nimbleness).****

TV: If he's God, I'm an athiest.

Seth: And I'm converting to Islam for the sole purpose of declaring a fatwa on his ass.

****He even went to the point of echewing all other forms of lifting slams****

TV: Mmm. Crunchy.

Crow: So he's a masticator, as well as a...

Tom: Croooow!

Crow: What?

****so as to concentrate on lucha knot techniques and highflying slams, changing his popular Ninja Driver finisher to his Snowdrop Cyclone.
As a ninja, Neige Thirteen is a master at hiding various weapons on his body and inside his ninja outfit, although all that he seems to carry are fan signs that he pulls out to reveal his thoughts;****

[Trey pulls out signs to reveal *his* thoughts: "YOU SUCK!" "Die bitch, dieeeeeeee!" "Loser!"]

[Seth pulls out some signs as well: "Neige: The Best Reason to Hate Quebec" and "Melt, Snowman, Melt!"

[Toms' reads "Neige season open!"]

[Crows' sign simply reads "This Space for Rent".]

[We cut to a shot of a packed WWE crowd. Clever post-production work means one row is now holding a multi-part "YOU SUCK, NEIGE!" sign]

[20 minutes of sign-related sight gags later]

**** seeing how Neige is a silent assassin and all. Neige Thirteen is an honorable ninja and never enters a fight with a weapon,\lang5129 ****

Seth: Unlike the ACTUAL ninjas, who tended to poison you in your sleep and stuff...

Tom: Maybe he's actually a Super Samurai Snowman. Which sounds like something that'll probably end up screening on Nickelodeon.

****\lang1033 although he's never defenseless if a match turns into a weapons brawl. He's a master of snowboard-jutsu and mastered the microphone chakus (two microphones attached by a chain). Neige also masters other ninja techniques such as smokebomb throwing, ninja disguises and carries a springloaded grappling hook in his wristguard.\lang5129 ****

Crow: His current record includes 45 DQ's for use of a grappling hook, 10 for throwing smokebombs, and one DQ for "Just being a dick!"...

****\lang1033 However, when he's in the ring he uses his wrestling skills first, leaving the smoke and mirrors for spots or as payback to cheating heels.****

TV: I'm a cheater. I'm a heel. I dare you to come get some of this.

Tom: Wait. I think it's over!

****Fun Facts about Neige!****

Everyone: DAMNIT!

**** Owns a cat called Woot.****

Seth: Oh, great, we're back in OWl. Hates this fed do I. Incidently, there's No WAY I'm riffing while Neige describes his pussy. Trey, the floor is yours!

TV: wOOt!

****The cat is dark blue with black eyes and a white underbelly.****

TV: From semen stains no doubt.

**** It has neither been declawed nor neutered, but it has been trained in the ways of the ninja.****

TV: And he's got the battle scars on his cock to prove it!

****VERY DANGEROUS! Maybe even more so then Neigehimself****

TV: I'll kick that pussy's ass!

Tom: Which one?

TV: Either. Or both.

****Performed at Wild 1.5 with star singer Lapointe.\lang5129 ****

Seth: So? I once "performed" with Connie Lingus.

TV: Me too!

[Cut to the home of Steve Studnuts. Connie can be glimpsed in the background.]

SS: Jerkweeds.

****\lang1033 Otherwise, a big Barry Manilow fan.\lang5129 ****

Tom: CoughcoughGEEK!

****\lang1033 A big eater, but never seems to be able to pack the pounds.****

TV: Yeah, the kind of chocolate he eats isn't very fattening.

****Thought to have ringworms, but that was debunked in favor of just having an overactive digestive system.****

Seth: Okay, we're just going from "personal" to "un-freakin-frickin-neccesary" now.

****Whenever he fasts (when money is difficult to come by, or when he gave too much to charity (which happens much to often)) he loses body mass at an incredible rate (often losing muscle mass too).****

TV: I didn't need to know this!

****Favorite food is mushrooms.****

TV: Ah, we can make the poisoning look natural then, Seth.

Crow: Judging by his bio, I think the mushrooms are of the "Magic" variety.

****Learned to read and write at the age of 19, and only because of Mexicos excellent education program.****

TV: He lived in Quebec, but got educated in Mexico?

Seth: Man, that's some commute. Whoa, whoa, whoa. 19?

TV: What?

Seth: He said he learned to read and write at 19!


****His father is Claude Coyote Colde, at one time the center for the Quebec Nordiques and a crime-fighting vigilante occasionaly working for the Canadian government.****

Tom: He supplied the Canadian Prime Minister with all his potential mistresses.

****Neige has inherited his father s thirst for justice and lightning quick reflex, but sadly, not his immense size.****

TV: Yep, he got his parts from his mother I guess.

****Nowadays Claude sits at home and never misses WILD wrestling, being his son's #1 fan.****

TV: Nah, he lies to his son. He's never seen a show.

Seth: Neiges biggest fan, huh? First sign of onrushing senility, in my opinion.

****Joined the Secret Snowman Society on his father's advice, mostly because the head of the organisation is Claudes brother, Christoff Cancer Colde!****

Crow: And the seceratary is his sister, Charlize Lou Gehrigs Disease Colde.

TV: He doesn't even mind the dogs that pee on him. What a sport.

****Started training in the ways of the ninja at the age of six, and lost his virginity at the age of thirteen.****

Everyone: Riiiiiiiight.

Seth: Then again, maybe he brought his first cat at thirteen?

Crow: The question is, was the cat a virgin?

TV: The real question is, are you bots virgins?

Tom: No comment...

Crow: Don't go there...

Data: I'm fully functional...

Seth: Where the hell did *he* come from?

TV: We'll have some beers later, then you just won't care, Seth.

Seth: I'll drink to that!

****Possesses QUITE the impressive collection of El Santo movie and El Santo memorabilia.****

TV: "El Santo And The Chicken Porn Blast-O-Rama" is his favorite.

****Proudly wears the cape of El Santo that he bought on eBay.****

Seth: Along with his Hulk Hogan pubic hair and the autographed collection of Spice Girls merchandise.

****Has double-jointed shoulders. This is what allows him to perform his finisher and why he's the only one to be able to do it in such a manner.****

Seth: Also has a double-jointed ass, thus ensuring his continued popularity with the bookers.

****Manager's/Valet's Name: This ninja stands alone.****

TV: And sleeps with a cat.

[1...2...3...4...5...6...back to the SOL.]

Seth: Well. That was utter crap. Thank you, Neige. Jerk.

TV: Hey Tom, Crow. What's going on.

Tom: ...

Crow: ...

Seth: What the hell are you two doing now.

Crow: Oh come on, stop acting like you can see us.

Tom: Yeah. We're using our ninja tricks. We are invisible at the moment.

Seth: Really?

Tom: Yep! There's no WAY you can see us!


[Seth ninja teleports behind the bots.]


Crow and Tom: OW!

Seth: Gundam RIGHT we can see you...

TV: Maybe this camoflauge would help? (he says pulling out some big sacks)

Crow: Oh no, last time I saw those sacks I ended up floating around in the rings of Uranus.

TV: Who's anu...

Seth: Trey!

TV: Huh?

[Screen goes black as Tom and Crow scream weakly in fear.]

© 2003 iAd: This wasn't funny show? Bet you was it!

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