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iAd vs.SCW (with Short Subject)! (MST3K 2.2)

Grand Theft Auto 5: Crap City!

DISCLAIMER: As always, we have nothing to do with any of the e-feds in this MST. And some of our best friends are fat.-Skeeter & Leary.

Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?]

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[Time for the first door sequence of the night. [1Ö2Ö3Ö4Ö5Ö6]

Seth: And we're back on the satellite of love. And--

[He paused, as Tom and Crow come on screen, both wearing big black wigs and red dresses.]

Seth: Did Trey get drunk and make you make out with each other again?

Tom: No, Seth. We heard about the show we'll be watching today and came up with a brilliant idea.

Crow: Yeah, Seth, we were thinking, humans have all sorts of musicians. But bots don't. So, we decided, let's be the first bots to be famous musicians.

Seth: By dressing up as women?

Tom: He's missing the point.

Crow: You're right, let's just show him our song. Now Seth, this isn't an original, but, we've just been practicing with the only CD we could find in your room.

Tom: And by the way, would it kill you to make a maid bot like on that cartoon.

Seth: The Flintstones?

Tom: No.

Seth: Tom & Jerry?

Crow: No.

Seth: I have no idea what show you're talking about then.

Crow: Comabot! Hit our music.

Comabot: Nurfle!

[It does. Tom and Crow commence lip synching.]

Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart

Baby, baby
I'm aware of where you go
Each time you leave my door
I watch you walk down the street
Knowing your other love you'll meet
But this time before you run to her
Leaving me alone and hurt
(Think it over) After I've been good to you ?
(Think it over) After I've been sweet to you ?

Stop! In the name of love
Before you break my heart

Seth: Stop! Before we get sued. What are you guys doing? You can't lip synch like ladies and expect to be successful.

Tom: Well, didn't Milli Vanilli sing to men's songs?

Seth: They weren't women.

Crow: They weren't? Coulda fooled me.

Seth: I can't believe you're doing 10-year-old material.

Crow: It wouldn't hurt if you sprung for a TV, Mr. Cheap.

Seth: Speaking of TV, where is Trey.

Tom: I saw him earlier. I'm sure he's around here somewhere.

Crow: I know how to get him. *Ahem* Oh my God, it's Michelle Branch! Hey, why are you naked and covered in pudding?

[Trey runs on screen.]

TV: Michelle! I, uh, guys, where is Michelle?

Crow: Ahaha, I got you again (he says pointing and laughing).

TV: God damnit, Crow. I am Trey Vincent. You don't treat Trey Vincent like this.

Crow: Oh, what are you gonna do. Punch me? I can't feel anything. (low voice) Except for sadness. (Normal) Come on, hit me!

[A light begins flashing. Seth hits it.]

Seth: You two.

[We flip to Ed Tenta-Shaw, who is pacing back and forth.]

Ed: Alright, boys, you had your fun last week, but this week, I've come prepared. If you turn me off, you will have to endure the most annoying thing ever on the SOL. And you'll be SOL too. And you know what that means.

Trey: Whatever, Ed.

[Trey flips off Ed. And then flips off the feed. They all look around and prepare for the worst. It doesn't come.]

Trey: Wow, this is just awful, ain't it guys?

Tom: Uh, Trey, why don't you just answer his blinking light?

Crow: Yeah, what if he really does something awful to us?

Seth: It's Ed Tenta-Shaw.

Tom: Well...

Crow: I guess you're right.

Tom: Hey, what's that sound?

Seth: Oh, no. Trey...

Trey: He won't! He can't! We're the iAd for fuck's sake!

Snow (over the SOL sound system): What's up man hey yo what's up
Yeah what's goin' on here
Sick an' tired of five-oh runnin' up on the block here
You know what I'm sayin'
Yo Snow they came around here lookin' for you the other day
Word word bust it

Tom: AHHHHHHH! *Runs around maniacally*

Crow: AHHHHHHH! *Runs around maniacally*

Trey: AHHHHHHH! *Runs around maniacally*

Seth: AHHHHHHH! *Runs around maniacally*

Chaos ensues. Cans of food, a turkey, French fries, a bottle of Orange Crush, a trenchcoat and a porn magazine start the flying around of debris. Trey goes diving after the magazine. Then, a barbell goes flying, as does a mouse, a DVD of Girls Gone Wild (Trey's all on that) spare bot batteries (Tom and Crow are all over that), the Best of Luchadores video (Seth is all over that).

Snow: Informer you no say daddy me Snow me I'll go blame
A licky boom boom down
Detective mon said daddy me Snow me stab someone down the lane
A licky Boom Boom Down.

[Trey DIVES for the button to answer Tenta's second call.]

Trey: You. Son of a bitch.

Ed: Yes, well. That's just the start of your torment today. For your viewing today, you have Supreme Championship Wrestling. The federation that answers the question, what would happen if you had one match and two segments to fill two hours of air time. And no, I'm not exaggerating.

[A loud buzzing begins and the camera jumps all crazy.]

Seth: We've got Sports Entertainment Sign!

[Door sequence. 6...5...4...3...2...1...enter theatre.]

Seth: Oh will you take those wigs off.

*Throws Tom and Crow's wigs at the screen.*

**** **Supreme Championship Wrestling
Sunday Night Supremacy** ****

TV: A federation so Supreme, it lasted two whole months!

Seth: Supremely Stupid, Supremely Sucky. Did I mention they're SUPREME!

****{The following programme may contain certain scenes which may be unsuitable for younger viewers. This programme may also contain strobe lighting...} ****

TV: Most of this show is looking to be unsuitable for anybody. And we're, what, 3 seconds in?

Tom: Supreme Championship Wrestling presents: A Clockwork Awfulness, on Pay-Per-View

**** The show opens up with the SCW Supremacy's theme music blasting away. ****

TV: Hmm, that sounds like Arethra Franklin. This fed sure IS Supreme.

Crow: "Blasting Away" performed by Earl and the Disgruntled Postmen...

***On the Supreme-Tron it shows different cut scenes of all the SCW wrestlers in action. Then when all the wrestlers have been on the Supreme-Tron pyros fly around the arena and lights flash all around with "Across The Nation" by "The Union Underground" booms on the PA System. ****

TV: (Fan) Darlin' did you bring the swatter? There are a bunch of pyros flying in here tonight.

Seth: Welcome to Supreme Championship Wrestling, live from downtown Baghdad!

Tom: Yes, that isn't pyro you see. It's flying debris.

Crow: Mainly comprised of little pieces of British tanks...

****The jam-packed London Arena, London, Sheffield are going crazy for the SCW's second ever card. ****

Seth: And last-EVER show... hopefully

TV: Yep, they ARE in Baghdad. Don't let them fool you. Look at the Saddam statue head there.

Tom: If this feds as bad as I think, I'll be hitting their president with a shoe pretty soon.

****Tom Bolder :
Hello and welcome to Sunday Night Supremacy!****

TV: Hey Tom, he says he's bolder than you. What do you think about that?

Tom: I'll hit him with a boulder...

Seth: Sunday Night Supremacy is brought to you by NOBODY!

****With over 100 million viewers around the world this card will be an explosive! ***

TV: With one lie, his nose grows so long.

Crow: I think he means, it'll be a "Bomb."

Tom: Blow up the arena. No one will care.

****Tonight we will see the first of General Dessarae, Flabulas and Roz Blayze. ****

TV: Flabulas?

Seth: (Bolder) Sorny aboput myy speeeech impendinment...

TV: Yep, these guys are going to apply in BOB.

Crow: Hook 'em up with XXXtreme Machine...

***We also hope to see The Executioner and Venom in action later tonight! ***


****Matt "The Man" Halford :
But what we have all been wondering is how Elaine Gunter is following that sick attack by Dynamite X****

TV: Halford? Isn't he a fayg?

Seth: (Arnie) Dis is Elaine Gunter... Bavarias sexiest leiderhosen model.

****Later tonight Prez Dave will be wanting words from Dynamite X. ****

TV: (Strung out guy) Hey man, you got the words? I need a hit.

Tom: The words will hopefully be "I quit this stinking, podunk fed".

****Tom Bolder :
But first we see the big 450 pounder Big Bad Dan in action against "Sir" General Dessarae. ****

Seth: "Sir" General, huh? I guess they're handing out knighthoods in the military these days...

TV: A big 450 pounder? Does the word enormous not do anything for you?

Crow: It's a "Who Gives a Crap About This Lardass" Deathmatch!

**** The SCW's theme music comes to an end as the cheering crowd in London await the first match. ** **

Tom: But sadly, the fed closes, good night!

TV: You know, his partner used to be Lt. Corporal Mister Doctor Private Eye Surgeon Nurse.

Crow: He was a Corporal-Captain in the US Navy SEAL Marine Rangers.

***The first match is scheduled for one fall and the winner goes through to the next round of the tournament. ****

TV: The worst sports entertainer tournament already?

Tom: The winner of the tournament gets to transfer to a GOOD federation.

Introducing first, from Detroit Michigan, weighing in at 450 pounds, Big, Bad, Dan! ****

Crow: We. Don't. Care.

Seth: He's dropped weight.. I remember him wrestling as "Hideously Obese Dan."

TV: One day he hopes to be Beer Belly Dan, but that's years away, no doubt.

Crow: Besides, I think Nash has that gimmick copyrighted.

**** The lights go out and "Bodies" by "Drowning Pool" starts blasting through the arena. A ear-shattering pyro goes off and smokes starts going around the entrance. ****

Seth: Woo-hoo! Sparkl 'em up, Trey!

TV: Ahhh, finally a reason to attend a SCW show....No wait...I didn't just say that...

Tom: Nice to see a fed who knows their target audience. Oh, wow.

****Big Bad Dan walks out of the smoke. He walks down the ramp. If the fans like him then he raises his arms up as a pose to the crowd while he walking down the ramp. If the fans dislike him then he just walks down the ramp. ****

TV: The hell?

Crow: Since the SCW fans are too stoned to make up their mind, he just wanders out in silence.

Tom: So, let me get this straight, he's WALKING down the ramp, regardless if the fans like or don't like him?

Seth: Guess SCW hired WCW's old Crack Production Team... "Ahh, we'll dub in some crowd noise later."

TV: They must have forgot to edit the good for all seasons entrance video. Too much smoking.

****This time, the fans love him. ****

Crow: Oh, thank God, so he will walk down the ramp then?

Tom: (Stoned crowd) Uhh.. yay. Whoa.

****When he gets in the ring he throws his arms in the air and another pyro goes off***

TV: Wow, he had pyro in his armpits.

Seth: (BBD) Watch me catch my arms! THUMP! Oh, right, no arms to catch them with, eh?

****Big Bad Dan then waits for his opponent to come out while flexing his muscles. ** **

TV: Wooo! Telekinetic flexing. That's a first.

Crow: Oh, great, he whipped out the trouser flute... put the kids to bed, folks!

****Ring Announcer :
And his opponent, weighing in at just 295 pounds, hailing all the way from Memphis, General Dessarae! ****

TV: (General) Hey, I have a bulking problem.

Seth: "Just" 295 pounds? Fucking cruiserweights...

Crow: I guess that would be when compared to Big Fat Dan.

Tom: Well, a sperm whale looks small compared to that fat bastard

Crow: You said sperm. Huh huh huh...

****Tom Bolder :
I don't like this guy at all. He whines, cries and sulks all the time and by the sound of it, the crowd don't like him either. ****

Seth: So SCW hired Hogan?

TV: I was going to guess HHH. But good call.

Seth: (To camera) Love your programming, Vince.. call us!

**** "Soldier" by "Eminem" hits the PA but no one goes through the curtain. After about 10 seconds General Dessarae looks as though he was pushed through the curtain. ****

Tom: (General D) Aww, I don't wanna wrestle him, Mom... he's a poopie-head!

TV: (Prez Dave) Do you want me to tell everyone you're not really a sir?

****General Dessarae looks scared but gains confidence and runs to the ring, but trips over his own feet and goes flying into the ringside. ****

Seth: SCW's top-rank talent in a nutshell, folks.

*** The crowd laugh and boo at the same time. ****

TV: And demand a refund.

****Big Bad Dan mutters to himself and then he goes through the ropes and out of the ring towards General Dessarae. ****

TV: I don't think he was muttering. I think he was trying to eat his own lips.

Crow: (BBD) I think there's some gravy on his shirt... Let me lick it off, General. Mmmm... gravy!

****Big Bad Dan picks up the fallen General Dessarae and holds him over his shoulders. Then Big Bad Dan throws General Dessarae into the ring. Big Bad Dan goes in after him. ****

TV: I was expecting him to drop him in his mouth.

Seth: Big Bad Dan eats the official and two popcorn vendors on the way back to the ring. He has to keep his strength up...

The match gets underway. ****

TV: Seth, did you lose an asterisk or two?

Seth: Nope, but I've got a big bag of semi-colons for later... they go great with beer.

TV: Does anything not go good with beer?

Tom: Peacan butter ice-cream. And that's about it..

****Tom Bolder :
Whoa, did you see the power on the throw then!
"Matt "The Man" Halford :
Sure as hell I did. Oh, and the referee for this contest is Holly Krat. ****

Crow: (Japanese Announcer) Holly Krat! Do yoo see dat!

TV: The temperature is a balmy 58 degrees, the wind blowing left to right. The Yankees won. Producer is Bud Veiser.

Seth: Bud? Quit the beer references, Trey, I'm getting thirsty.

TV: I better not mention the director Jimmy Beam and the assistant grip Jackson Daniels.

**** Big Bad Dan stares down at General Dessarae who is on the floor whining in pain. ****

Tom: (BBD) Wonder if he'd taste good with barbecue sauce?

Trey: Bud?

Crow: Say hello to GI Slow. He meant beer, Trey, not the plant.

****Big Bad Dan sighs and picks General Dessarae up. ****

TV: That was one mighty sigh. I just saw a cob of corn hit a woman in the third row.

Seth: (BBD) Give me your drumstick.. I mean arm.

****General Dessarae spits at Big Bad Dan and tries to do a runner but Big Bad Dan keeps hold of the frightened General Dessarae. ****

TV: (General) Holly Krat! That's how much I'm getting paid! AHHHH!

Tom: (BBD) Stay here, General... Just want to test out my George Foreman Grill. Now, this won't hurt much.

****Big Bad Dan gets General Dessarae's head and whipes of the phlegm dripping down his face. ****

TV: And LICKS it! Ewww.

Crow: (BBD) Needs salt. And sugar. And caramel sauce.

****Then Big Bad Dan punches General Dessarae in mid-air, sending him flying. General Dessarae rolls out of the ring and claims to of broken his leg.****

Tom: (BDD) Let me eat that off for you.

Seth: Hoo-boy... and I thought we'd watched some bad matches BEFORE tonight!

****Holly Krat starts to count **
Tom Bolder :
What is wrong with this guy! I told you he always whines but this is pathetic. If he carries on like this then this match will only last two minutes! *****

Crow: GOOD!

Tom: This match is way too long as it is.

Matt "The Man" Halford :
Well when your up against Big Bad Dan, the match only lasts about two minutes anyway! ****

TV: Plus microwave time.

** General Dessarae crawls to a chair as Big Bad Dan hopes out of the ring. General Dessarae grabs hold of a chair leg and pulls it close to him.****

Seth: (GD) It's my chair! Mineminemineminemine!

TV: I think Dan is hoping for a second dinner.

Tom: (BBD) Gimmie that ice-cream, kid!

** Big Bad Dan goes over to General Dessarae and grabs hold of General Dessarae's arm.***

TV: (BBD) There's my second dinner!

Crow: (BBED) I call the wing!

****But as Big Bad Dan picks General Dessarae up, General Dessarae grabs the chair and hammers straight in between the eyes. ****

Seth: Hammer Time!

TV: (Singing) You can't touch this.

Crow: (GD) Oh, I been workin' on the raillllroad.. all the live-long day!

Tom: Umm.. Ice, ice baby?

****Holly Krat was looking away at that moment but now she is screaming at General Dessarae to drop the chair. She also counts again. **

Crow: (HK) Six, seven, eight... wait, WHY am I counting again?

Seth: She's so blonde...

****Tom Bolder :
Hey, General Dessarae should be disqualified for that!
3 ****

TV: For being screamed at? Or being fat?

Tom: No, I think that's illegal use of a "3."

TV: Ahh. What is this count for anyway? This the number of turkeys he's going to eat after the match?

Seth: Mystery Sports Entertainment Theatre wishes to apologize to fat people watching. Ahhh, no we don't. Go lose some weight, ya fat bastards!

**** General Dessarae stops the count by hopping in the ring, but he soon falls over the rope back out and bangs his head on the outside mat. ****

TV: No, that was a stunt double, wasn't it?

Crow: Man, Physical Dyslexia is a bitch of a disease...

****General Dessarae gets back up rubbing his head. ****

TV: Good Lord! Put that away!

Seth: In public? Would someone think of the children!

Tom: And the bots!

****General Dessarae goes over to Big Bad Dan who is busted wide open at the head. General Dessarae flexes his droopy muscles and goes to pick Big Bad Dan up. ****

Crow: Get that man a Viagra, stat! He's still all droopy...

TV: (General) Come here often, big boy?

Seth: (BBD) Only when they're serving those great waffles... and the bacon-wrapped sausages!

TV: (General) You want to work some pounds off with me, big boy?

****it doesn't work. ****

TV: (General) Playin' hard to get, ay?

Tom: (BBD) Nope, I'm just TOO DAMN FAT!

Crow: I think he needs a forklift to lift that guy up.

****General Dessarae tries again but still can't pick the 450 pound powerful man up. ****

Seth: 485... he just had lunch

TV: Starve him for 3 weeks and try again?

****General Dessarae sighs and starts to wipe tears from his eyes. ****

TV: Get the doctor, he has a HERNIA!

Tom: (GD) I hate my life, and my worthless career... *sniff*

**** That gives Big Bad Dan enough time to grab his leg and give it a punch to the knee. ****

Crow: He's tenderizing it.

***8General Dessarae goes down in pain and Big Bad Dan manages to get up. Big Bad Dan gets both his huge hands around General Dessarae's neck and choke tosses him into the ring. ****

TV: Wonder if he's any good at lawn darts?

Seth: (Dan) Wait there, I'm just going to get some maple syrup and a big-ass platter.

****Big Bad Dan climbs in as well. Big Bad Dan runs at the fallen General Dessarae and hits a mighty-fying leg drop with a massive thud. ****

TV: Does that mean the leg drop makes the General mighty?

Tom: "Mighty-fying?" Script by Dusty Rhodes...

****General Dessarae starts choking and Big Bad Dan laughs with the crowd. ****

TV: (Dan) Orange you glad I didn't say waffle?

Seth: They're not laughing WITH him... They're laughing AT him! And occasionally throwing things AT him.

****Big Bad Dan picks General Dessarae up and gets him in a bearhug hold. Holly Krat runs over to check General Dessarae's arms. ****

TV: And she's like, Holly Krat, that must hurt.

Crow: (HK) Yes, those are arms, all right. I thought they might be legs. I'm silly. Hee.

****Arm drops once...


Arm drops twice...


Before Holly Krat could drop the arm again ****

TV: We take a long useless pause?

Crow: He eats the arm!

TV: Ohh...

Seth: SCW: The "S" stands for SUCK!

****Big Bad Dan jumps up and hits General Dessarae with a bearhug slam. General Dessarae seems knocked out but Big Bad Dan says it's not over yet. ** **

Seth: (BBD) It ain't over till the fat bastard sings. *ahem* The hilllssss are aliveeeee....

TV: I guess there is only, what, one match tonight? Sheesh.

Tom: Ring the bell! Ring the BLEEPing bell!

****Matt "The Man" Halofrd :
Whoa, did you see that impact! That was 450 pounds landing straight over you after a constricting bearhug! ****

Crow: (Matt) MAN, this is some good shit I'm smoking tonight! Whoa.

**** Big Bad Dan covers General Dessarae for the pin and Holly Krat counts.
[ONE, TWO, THRE - Big Bad Dan gets off General Dessarae] ****

TV: (General) Awww, Krat!

Seth: Ohhh, I did NOT need to see Dan "Getting Off" the General...

****The fight continues as Big Bad Dan signals General Dessarae for more pain. ****

Crow: Pain for the audience....

Tom: And us.

TV: There's a point at the groin. Dan lifts a leg a couple inches, though he'll never see it. Then he puts the leg down and grabs his crotch and makes a funny face. Oh, what a threat there.

****Big Bad Dan picks up the beaten General Dessarae and hits him with a massive belly-to-belly suplex followed by a series of back drops.****

Seth: Seven Years Later....

****General Dessarae lays on the floor bloodied and beaten like a match stick but Big Bad Dan says he still hasn't finished. ****

TV: Yeah, I hate when I get bloody matches when I try to light a blu-- I mean. A candle.

Crow: Okay, I'm calling the Simile Police on that one.

Tom: For a fat bastard, this guy sure loves long matches. The mat is covered in flop sweat.

Seth: SCW: The "S" stands for STUPID!

****Big Bad Dan lifts General Dessarae on to his shoulders and then drops him into a a super neckbreaker landing a perfect Detroit Deathdrop. Big Bad Dan goes for the pin again and Holly Krat goes for the count. ****

TV: Just drop him into a boiling pot of water already!

Seth: He dropped him off in Detroit! That's cruel and unusual punishment...

****[ONE, TWO, THRE - Big Bad Dan gets off General Dessarae] ***

Tom: See above re: Dan getting off General Dessarae

Crow: (HK) One, two, three... umm, what's the next letter? Hee hee.

***The fight continues and Big Bad Dan picks General Dessarae by the hair. ****

Seth: PIN HIM, you fat fuck!

TV: Thank god they didn't say his pubic hair. That would hurt.

Crow: (BBD) Wonder if I can deep-fry hair?

Tom: (BBD) Did I mention I'm on a seafood diet? I see food. I eat it.


Seth: Who brought Comabot a drumkit?

*Trey raises his hand*

****Big Bad Dan climbs the turnbuckle to the top rope, dragging General Dessarae with him. Big Bad Dan the hucks General Dessarae's arm around Big Bad Dan's neck and Big Bad Dan places his arm strongly around General Dessarae's neck. ****

TV: There's no slow-dancing in sports entertainment.

Tom: Awww, he's giving him a manly, non-sexual hug! And now he's giving him a manly handjob. Ewww.

***Big Bad Dan then lifts General Dessarae high in the air and Big Bad Dan jumps of the turnbuckle and slams General Dessarae to the mat landing a tragic Big Bad Chokeslam. ****

Crow: The only thing tragic is this match. And this fed.

Seth: Is it over, though?


****Tom Bolder :
Wow, that must've been 10 feet high! Big Bad Dan is 7"3 himself, then you need to add the height of the turnbuckle, amazing! ****

TV: An overweight 7-footer? NO! Say it ain't so!

[Bigger drumroll]

**** Big Bad Dan rolls General Dessarae up for the three count.

[cymbal crash]

Seth: Thank you, Comabot...

****Ring Announcer :
The winner of the match and the next person to be entered into the quarter finals, Big, Bad Dan! ****

TV: That better not be tonight.

Crow: It's over! Yayyy! See you back on the bridge!

Seth: Dude, that was the first match! Stick around...

Crow: Aww, nutbunnies!

**** "Bodies" by "Drowning Pool" starts to play and the crowd cheer fanatically as Big Bad Dan's arm is raised by the referee, Holly Krat. ****

TV: (Fan) Yayy. Now I can see the other side of the arena.

Tom: (HK) Auhh! *grunt* This arm is too heavy to lift!

****Before any more celebrations can be celebrated "One Of A Kind" by "Breaking Point" hits the PA System. The fans jump to their feet and give the Prez a standing ovation as he bursts through the curtains. ** **

TV: And before any more happenings can happen...

Seth: And any more sucking can be sucked.

***Matt "The Man" Halford :
Hey, whats this! You can't interfere when you have just won a match.
Tom Bolder :
Well the prez can and I would watch out Matt, he doesn't seem in a good mood at all! ****

TV: (Matt) Are you sure the president of the company can do anything he wants? That sounds wrong.

Crow: (Prez) My fed sucks, and my hoework is piling up! Of course I'm in a bad mood!

Tom: Don't you mean homework?

Seth: Ah yes, Trey does hoework...

**** Prez Dave walks speedily to the ring with the crowd supporting him all the way. ****

Tom: Wow, the first bodysurfing entrance I've seen in a while.

Seth: He's so smashed, the crowd is having to hold him up....

****He jumps through the ropes and throws his rms high in the air. ****

Crow: (Prez) Druck, I'm funk...

***8Prez Dave then signals for his music to stop and the ring announcer hands him a microphone. ****

TV: Hey, is Vice Prez Steve here? I lost my keys.

Seth: (Prez) Naw, Dave's not here man... heh! I always wanted to say that!

****Prez Dave :
Whoa whoa whoooaaa, cut the crap! Hello S...C...W!!! As you people can tell, you beloved one Prez Dave aint in a good mood at all.****

TV: Cut the crap? You heard him, Comabot!

Tom: (Dan) Hurry up, man... I haven't eaten in twenty minutes!

****And one prick has been mssing up SCW's plans back at our HQ, ****

TV: Stealing my "e's"

Crow: (Prez) He want's to put on a GOOD show! Bastard!

****and that man is Flabulas. Flabulas... YOU'RE FIRED!****

TV: Vinnie Mac impersonate, much?

Seth: Flabulas was ripping off Dans' "Morbidly Obese" gimmick...he HAD to go!

**** The crowd erupts into cheers but also murmers as to what is going on.
Tom Bolder :

***Tom: (Matt) HOLLY KRATT!

TV: Flabulous just wasn't flabulous enough.

****Prez Dave :
Ah chill, he was a load of bull anyway.****

TV: (Dan) Did he just say chili? Mmmm, chili.

Seth: (Dan) Uhh, is my bit finished? I'm gonna go eat Holly. Uhh, out! I meant "eat out." Yeah.

****Did nothing for this fed, same as Mr Jackass General Dessarae over here! Do you people, want to see, "Sir" General Dessarae, get his sorry carcass, whopped one more time, by The "eXtreme One" Terminator!? ****

All: NO!

Crow: When Drunks Attack, Volume III: The Pissed President

**** The crwod erupts into cheers and start chanting 'TERMY, TERMY, TERMY!!!' ****

Crow: Sounded like "kill me, kill me."

Seth: Spermy, spermy spermy? Oops, your line, Trey.

TV: Hehe.

****Matt "The Man" Halford :
Well we all know that Prez Dave was and still is the almighty Terminator but it has been quite some time since we've seen him in action, has he still got it in him, tune in after the break! ****

TV: Wait. Flabulous is fat. Dan is Termy. And Dave is fired? I need a flow chart.

Seth: I'll sum up for you. The fed bites, the prez is an egomaniac, and everyone is overweight. Got it?

TV: Ah, that clears everything up. I guess this is what happens when Overeaters Anonymous gets bored.

[Military march drumbeat]

Seth: Quit it, Comabot...

TV: Steaming Chicken Wings. That's the REAL fed name.

**** The scene closes for an advert ** **

Tom: Hooters! Proud sponsors of the SCW! Cholesterol, beer and tits! What more do you need?

**** The scene opens up again in the ring area of London Arena. Big Bad Dan and Prez Dave are stood in the ring staring down at General Desserae who is on his knees pleading for mercy. ***

TV: Poor Dan, he still hasn't eaten. Though I don't see Holly Krat anymore.

Crow: Oh, God! The match STILL isn't over! Shoot me!

*Coma hits the snare drum as if a gun is being shot.*

Seth: Forget it, Crow... We're watching SCW. Hell can't be any worse than this.

****The crowd are on their feet cheering 'TERMY, TERMY, TERMY'. Terminator, AKA Prez Dave speaks again. ** **

Tom: (Prez) Where's my beer? And my hip flask? *hic*

TV: (Dave) You know what my watch is telling me? It's time to open a can of whoop-ass. What? I said whoop-ass. What?

Seth: (BBD) Oh, hurry UP! I'm starving! I'll even eat English cooking!

****Prez Dave :
Come on, you people have re-lived the moment by cheering for me, now I have got to re-live the moment by kicking General Desserae's sorry ass!!! ****

Seth: (Prez Dave) Whoa, flashback...

TV: (Prez Dave) And that'z the bottom line, cuz Prez Dave, sayz zo.

Zeth: Ztop it, Trey

TV: Zorry, Zeth.

**** Prez Dave chcuks down the microphone and picks General Desserae up by the hair. ****

Tom: He chucked on the mic? Man, I know Trey once hurled in a pot plant, but that's disgusting!

TV: I once had a close call while I was in a chick's hot tub too. That would have been nasty.

Crow: Remember the time Seth yakked on the pool table?

TV: Oh yeah, he got puke all over my balls. (Long pause) I didn't just say that, did I?

Seth: *laughing too hard to respond*

****Prez Dave gives General Dessarae a few shots to the face followed by a big boot. ****

Crow: I think you'd look much better in this boot. I don't like seeing your calves.

Tom: (BBD) Look, am I even NEEDED here?

****Prez Dave works the crowd and shouts 'BRING THE NOISE!'. ****

TV: And here comes Public Enemy. It's Chuck D and that guy with the clock!

Seth: And they'll BOTH be able to kick Daves drunken ass.

Tom: Balls

Seth: *snort*

TV: hehehehehehe

Crow: Puke.

Seth: Quit it!

Tom: That could cave in his face!

[Five minutes later]

Crow: Welly.

[Five minutes later.]

TV: Restart it, Coma.

****Then he climbs the turnbuckle and hits a shooting star press! **

Seth: And Lesnars himself in the process. THUD!

****Tom Bolder :
Wow, Prez Dave is flying once again, this is unbelievable! ****

TV: (Matt) And I'm flying up there with him. Look at me. WHEE!

Crow: He's definitely "High," all right.

**** Prez Dave bounces back up and picks the battered General Desserae up once again. Prez Dave then kicks General Desserae in the guts and gets him in a pedigree position. ****

TV: Otherwise known as the HHH: "Suck my dick" response to asking for a push.

Crow: Is there NO-ONE he won't steal shit from?

Tom: (Dave) Ooooh-yeah, Mean Gene!

****But instead of doing the pedigree Prez Dave lifts General Desserae up and lands a Double Underhook Piledriver, Terminator's finisher. ** **

Seth: So does that mean this is finished? I mean, watchin Prez Dave give himself an EgoJob is amusing for a few minutes, but still...

TV: Since he's booking this, he'll probably pull him up 6 times before pinning him.

****Matt "The Man" Halford :
I can't believe it. Terminator has hit The Annihilator one more time! ****

TV: Welcome to this crappy fed, General. Hope the rest of your stay is the fun.

Crow: (Matt) I can't believe how stoned I am! Seeing as how I'm smoking freshly-picked basil, and all...

**** Prez Dave whispers something to the bewilded Big Bad Dan. ****

Seth: (Dave) Why are you still here?

TV: (BBD) Nobody told me to leave.

Tom: (BBD) They said there was gonna be free burritos after the match!

****Big Bad Dan nods with a smile in agreement. ****

Crow: (Dan) Oh, yeah... you da Man, Mr. President. You the Main Attraction. The Showstopper. Can I go home now?

****Both these men exceed 7"00, Dave being 7"00 bang on and Big Bad Dan being 7"3. ****

TV: Is this the land of the retarded giants?

Seth: Sounds like an old Irwin Allen TV show...

****Big Bad Dan picks General Desserae up by the neck and gets him into the Big Bad Chokeslam****

Tom: These guys must be going for the longest, most boring segment ever.

Crow: Big, bad match followed by long, Boring Interview and Tedious, Retarded beat down.

TV: By the good guys, no less. This guy must have peed in the coffee machine.

Seth: SCW: The "S" stands for STOP!

****But before he picks General Desserae up Prez Dave joins him and wraps his hand around General Desserae's neck and they both hit a Double Big Bad Chokeslam! ****

TV: The fans are wondering if the rest of the roster missed the plane by this point.

Seth: I've heard of a one-man show... but a three-man fed? Wacky!

***Big Bad Dan and Prez Dave give each other a high-five and Prez Dave speaks again. ****

TV: (BBD) That was cool. Can I go eat now?

Crow: (Dave) Yeah, go snack on an intern. You've earned it!

***Prez Dave :
Now wasn't that great!****

Crow: If by great you mean boring, then, yes.

Seth: Ooops, got the words the wrong way around. He meant "Now, that wasn't great!"

TV: Ah, he must have dyslexia and Alzheimer's disease. Rough for him. Say, how's the weather supposed to be tomorrow?

Tom: We've been in here so long, it probably IS tomorrow already!

****But I haven't finished yet. General Desserae, you will join Anne Robinson, Bruce Willis and SCW Jobber Champion Will Smith in the Jobber Roster! ****

TV: Wow, their stocks crashed if they're here.

Seth: The Fresh Prince is a Jobber? I refuse to believe THAT! He's too fly to be a loser guy!

***Now security, get him out of here!
** Prez Dave and Big Bad Dan laugh as security begin to drag the beaten General Desserae out of the ring. ***

TV: But the lack of funny stops them before it can leak out.

***Prez Dave :
Now, Dynamite X. That was just a little example of what is still left
in me.***

TV: There's also bones, blood, guts and peepee in me.

Seth: (Dave) And for the last hour of the show, an exhibition of what's RIGHT in me!

***And don't worry because they is plenty, PLENTY, more where that came from! Now X, let this be, lets call it, a warning to you. If you ever, EVER!***

TV: Ever. EVER. EVER!! EVER!!!!!

***If you ever***

Tom: EVER!

****touch any of my staff again, I will take you down just like Big Bad Dan there.****

TV: (Prez Dave) I don't want this place to end up like the Catholic church.

Seth: You're singing to a traumatized choirboy there, Trey.

****Just because we were a tag team, the greatest tag team ever does not mean you can run this fed over other great wrestlers just like you!****

Crow: I think he's being dubbed by the guys that did all those kung-fu movies in the 70's.

****You know, Elaine Gunter is sitting in a hospital bed with a fractured skull! Elaine Gunter, divas of the year 3 times, in a row dammit!****

TV: Divas of the year? Is she two people or something?

Tom: So if there are two of her times three years, that's six titles!

TV: But what if she's like, four people.

Seth: Oh man, Trey's off on a fantasy of having four twins now, thanks, Tom.

Tom: What?

****So, I have let you off with what I think is a small warning. Don't make me mad****

Crow: Ever, EVER, EVER. EVER!

****again X, or you'll regret it.****

Seth: And so will everyone who has the misfortune to watch the SCW.

****Now let me just say. The Executioner and Venom still a now show****

Crow: No show, brow cow?

****so that means Ninja X and Roz Blayze go through automatically to the next round. I just fired Flabulas so that means Karb goes through automatically****

[Seth sighs and gets out his Confus-o-Matic Plot Unscrambling Flowchart.]

****so I'm afraid people we have just one last match set for you.****

TV: SCW: All the results without silly matches.

****Sledge Vs Mastermind. Oh, and Executioner, Venom, you will also join General Desserae, on the jobber roster!****

TV: BOB is the next stop for them.

****Now good bye folks and I hope you enjoy the last match! ****

Seth: But I really, really frickin' doubt it!

Crow: Hey, it's SCW's last match ever... what's not to like?

**** "One Of A Kind" by "Breaking Point" hits the PA System and the music as well as the standing ovation from the crowd sees the pleased Prez Dave and Big Bad Dan out of the ring and back through the curtains.*****

TV: The music can see?

Tom: Backstage, Dan discovers the post-match buffet and quickly balloons to 495 pounds.

****The music goes off and "Across The Nation" by "The Union Underground" starts playing as the fans await the next match. ****

TV: No, they're waiting for the end of this show. And federation.

Seth: (Sings) Why are we waittt-ing? This fed's ex-cruci-at-ing!

****Matt "The Man" Halford :
Well drastic changes made there by the prez which sees all three, Roz Blayze, Karb and Ninja X through to the next round.****

TV: They must all be a meager 6-4 and 275 pounds. Yep, bring on the midgets.

Crow: Too late, Dan ate them all last week.

**** Wait, whats this Dynamite X is on the Supreme-Tron!****

TV: (Matt) Doesn't anybody clean that damn thing.

**** The music stops and the Supreme-Tron travel backstage where Dynamite X is seen.****

TV: Ah, it looks like the Supreme-Tron is going to interview Dynamite X. Now this is innovative.

Tom: Dyamite X gives great interviews, though... especially when he's on LSD and E, or jacked up on P.

****Sledge is coming out of his weight room and starts to walk down the hallway and around the corner.****

Seth: Sister Sledge? Plercy Sledge?

****Suddenly Sledge drops like a stone.****

Tom: Steroid overdose! Cleanup in aisle 5!

****The camera man runs up and sees Dynamite X had just hit Sledge with a Sledge Hammer.*****

TV: (Singing) Isn't it ironic...

Crow: Boy, he really but the 'Sledge' in sledgehammer right there.

Seth: That reminds me of this guy I wrestled with in the FWF... Jimmy "Tyre Iron" Smith. This one time, you know what I did?

Tom: Hit him with a tyre iron?

Seth: No, ran him down with my car. Still pretty ironic, though.

TV: Sounds like you stole a WWF angle, Seth?

Seth: No, it wasn't an angle. I just hated the son-of-a-bitch...

****X leaves the scene leaving Sledge in a bloody position. He returns with three tables.****

Crow: (David Attenborough) The Lesser Spotted X is a miraculous creature, able to carry nearly four times it's own weight in tables.

****Two normal tables, and one barbed wire table.****

TV: And some fine china.

Tom: He then gets six chairs, an antique sideboard and a roast dinner for four.

****X sets up one of the normal ones. Sledge gets up and throws a cheap shot at Dynamite X.****

TV: Wow, we should buy some of those cheap shots, Seth. We could throw them at Tom and Crow.

Seth: Only if they sell them in bulk.

****Sledge then throws anpther cheap shot****

Tom: Kids, don't just get Cheap Shots™, also get our brand new Anpther Cheap Shots™. They're cheaper!

Seth: And heavier!

**** but Dynamite X ducks under Sledge's arm and Hell Raiser's him through the table.****

Crow: But he went downwards! Shouldn't it be called a Hell Descender?

Tom: We're already descending into Hell by watching SCW, Crow.

****X picks up the sledge hammer and sets up the last normal table.****

Seth: After that he'll have to resort to the "Special" tables... the ones' that ride the Table Short Bus.

****X then runs around the corner and Sledge is left lying motionless on the concrete floor. ***

TV: And the point of the barbed-wire table was...

****~5 Minutes Later~****

Seth: It's a ballsy organization that actually uses five minutes of their programming watching a guy nap on a table. Wake me if anything interesting happens.

****Competitor comes down the hallway and sees Sledge lying on the broken table.****

Tom: (Competitor) Psst! Dude, wake up and DO something! Our show is dying a slow, painful death!

****Competitor looks pissed. ****

Seth: (Competitor) Oh, _I_ wanted to be the guy who got to sleep through the show!

****Competitor :
DYNAMITE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ******

TV: Tonight, playing the part of Competitor is Jimmie JJ Walker. Nice to see him back on television.

Crow: Looks like he went to overacting school.

Tom: He forgot the "NOOOOOoooooooooo!" line, though.

**** Competitor runs around the corner and drops like a stone just like Sledge had done.****

Seth: Wow, Spaz-ism is catching!

****X had hit Comepetitor with the sledge hammer. X picks up Competitor and Hell Raiser's him through the table.****

Seth: SCW: If it was stupid once, it'll be good the second time. Honest.

****X sets up the barbed wire table and puts Sledge on it. Dynamite X picks up Competitor and Hell Raiser's Competitor onto Sledge breaking the table in two.****

Tom: (X) No, I DON'T have any other moves! Shut up!

****X leaves the scene again and brings back two more barbed wire tables, and A LADDER!!!!!!!!!!! ** ***

Seth: (Points at the Ladder) AHHHHHHGGGHHH!

TV: The long segments with no value keep on coming. SCW: Beating a dead horse over and over and over and over.

****Dynamite X :
This is why im extreme. and i can beat anyone when I put my body on the line! ****

TV: (XXXtreme Machine) ill kik u n het nust cok boy

**** Dynamite X sets up the table beside each other****

Tom: One table beside itself. Those special effects are going to cost them a bundle.

****and puts both men on each table. X sets up the ladder,****

Crow: (Points at the ladder) AHHHHGGGHHHH!

****and climbs it to the top.Dynamite X executes the MOONSUALT onto both men breaking the tables in half,****

TV: Man, they precut those tables nice and good. Not even a splinter.

**** X leavs the scene.****

TV: Please, God, no more barbed wire tables.

Seth: Unless they're being used as kindling in a "Burn SCW's Tape Library" barbecue!

**** Suddenly, loud scrapings are heard and a Black Hummer scrapes itself through the walls back to the scene.****

Crow: Who's driving the--

*Seth slaps him in the back of the head*

****There are two caskets in the back of the car. X pops the flatbed door open and bring the caskets down.****

Tom: (X) You're the worst caskets I've ever seen, and nobody likes you!

****X opens them and sticks Competitor and Sledge in one each. X locks the tops shut, and then attaches a chain to both caskets then to the back of his hummer****

Seth: They can NOT be stealing from the "Big Shows dad" angle! I refuse to believe ANYone would recycle that shit...

****X gets in the drivers seat and starts the Hummer. X drives down the hallway and turns left then right, left again, right,another left, and a right.****

TV: Goes straight, runs over a squirrel, hits a pothole, misses some glass in the road.

**** X makes a sharp turn to the left, and press's a button in the Hummer the chain lets go and the caskets go flying through the wall and door.****

Seth: (Somber tone) Competitor was 27. Sledge was 28. Big Bad Dan was 25 before his big, flabby heart exploded while he was ingesting an entire suckling pig.

****Inside Prez Dave,Emma Fulkner, and the Jason "Big One" Ashton all jump to the side as the caskets come speeding through the wall and door. **
Prez Dave : DYNAMITE X!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

Crow: (Dave)I'm so mad, I'm going to use every frigging exclamation point in the Northern Hemisphere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


TV: (Prez) I'll embarrass you in the ring for an hour next week!

****Dynamite X :
Well ether way you wanted to re-decorate nows your chance, Here are the keys.****

Tom: (Dave) The keys to what?

Seth: (X) Dude, I'm so drunk, I've got ZERO idea. Just take them and let me escape with a few shreds of my dignity intact.

****Dynamite X throws Prez Dave the keys to the caskets and drives down the hallway and then out into the parking lot.****

Crow: (William Wallace) FREEEEEE-DOM!

****X takes an alcohol bottle with a paper towel in it and lights it.****

TV: The...what? He just wasted alcohol!

Seth: It's all right Trey... the alcohol is fine. Repeat to yourself... "It's only a movie... It's only a movie.."

[Trey begins breathing into a paper bag.]

Tom: Man, he REALLY likes alcohol, huh?

Seth: Don't get me started.

****He throws the moltov cocktail into the hummers front seat, X grabs his bag and walks away from the scene as the hummer blows up!****

TV: And the reason for this Grand Theft Auto moment is why now?

Crow: Trey, asking for logic from the SCW is like asking a Frenchman to name his favorite Spanish wine. It AIN'T gonna happen!

**** The scene then cuts to pitch black again giving the commentators a few minutes to speak. ****

Crow: (Tom Boulder) Duh. Is we on?

Tom: (Matt) Duh. Me fink so. Say somefing.

****Tom Bolder :
What on God's Green Earth just happened. What the hell is Dynamite X thinking! ****

TV: (Matt) You do realize the planet is mostly blue, don't you?

****Matt "The Man" Halford :
Well I think X has been drinking a bit too much alcohol himself.****

Seth: Working for SCW would drive me to drink...

****I mean, he has just pushed it too far this time. First with the insults and cockiness towards Prez Dave and his personal assistant and bodyguard,****

Crow: And his mother and his cousin and his dog and his geranium and his grandfather clock...

****then the tragic insident with Elaine Gunter, now this! Hell, he could have ended to peoples careers here! This is gonna be scary, hey, there back! ****

Tom: Yes, there back. There arms. Here beer.

Seth: Where beer? Ooh, good beer. Cheers.

TV: I hope he ends everyone's career here. (Hiss of beers being opened.)

**** The Supreme-Tron lights back up again and this time the scene is in Prez Dave's office.****

Seth: This show is literally going nowhere now.

****Prez Dave is sitting on his table as loud screams for help can be heard from the coffins. ****

TV: Help, I'm locked in a stupid federation in a stupider angle with a stupid president!

****Prez Dave :

Tom: (Dave) ...Them to HELL, HELL, HELL, HELL! If I ever, EVER, EVER...

** Prez Dave spits onto a coffin then grabs the keys and unlocks them both.****

TV: Was that to lubricate them or done out of anger?

****Competitor jumps out panting and breathing.****

Seth: Which is more than you'd expect after the whole "Smash through a wall" thing.

****Competitor leans on the wall with blood dripping from his head and his T-shirt is ripped and his trousers are trashed as well as cuts all over from the barbed wire.****

Crow: Looks like Trey after his last Super Bowl party.

****Sledge though, lays in the coffin out cold. Prez Dave sighs, then waits a few minutes before speaking. ****

TV: So much dead air in this segment. It's risky.

****Prez Dave :
I can't believe this. Is he out cold, seriously? ****

Seth: Well no duh, Mr. President.

TV: Why don't you hit a couple of your finishers on him to find out?

**** Competitor lifts up his younger brother Sledge and lays him down on Dave's desk.****

TV: (Prez) Serious, don't get any blood on my desk, seriously. You guys.

**** sledge is bruised and battered and looks as though he requires help. ****

Crow: So instead, let's have a long-winded interview segment while he bleeds to death.

****Prez Dave :

Tom: What, the show? Agreed.

****He is in no possible shape what-so-ever to fight tonight and I can't ask you to take his spot. So I'm afraid I'm going to have to postpone this match till next week.****

TV: And the crowd roars in cheers. They know the fed will close by then at this rate.

**** Competitor, can you believe this, 1 MATCH! JUST ONE LOUSY MATCH! OUR RATINGS ARE GONNA DROP LIKE HELL,****

Seth: Can you get lower ratings than "Zero Viewers"?

***AND THANKS TO THIS TWAT CALLED DYNAMITE X! Competitor, I want you, to do me a favour. ****

TV: (Competitor) It better not involve me getting under your desk again and playing fish.

Tom: Tell me he's talking about a card game...

Seth: I don't think so, Tom.

****Competitor :
Uh, sure boss, what ever. ****

TV: He's from the Valley.

****Prez Dave :
Good! Now I've already warned Dynamite X and he has just taken it too far. He thinks this is just a game I tell ya!****

Crow: Hey, when did Prez Dave turn into Yosimite Sam?

****Well it isn't!****

Crow: (Dave) Ya flop-eared galoot!

****Well obviously I can't get X myself 'cause I've gotta get help for Sledge. But you can do the job for me.****

Seth: Great, they cancel his match and he STILL has to do the job. What a loser.

****Look, he is still roaming around the parking lot looking for trouble. He is fucking up all the cars!****

Crow: (Dave) Oooh, I hates that rabbit!

****All ready 2 cars have been spotted flaming to rubble. Luckily it is just a security's car.****

Tom: (Security guard) Hey, lick me, Mr. President!

****So what I want you to do, is go out there, and scare, him, shitless! ****

TV: (Competitor) You want me to put some Pepto-Bismal in his dinner?

*****Competitor :
Sure think boss, I'll get to it right away.****

Tom: Yes, think Boss! THINK! Think about never, ever, EVER starting another federation!

****Prez Dave :

TV: 10 minutes later...

**** Competitor walks out through the hole in the wall with a smile as paramedics make their way into the room with a stretcher to help Sldege.****

Seth: (Sledge) No, fuck "Sldege"! I'M the one who's hurt!

****The scene cuts back to pitch black. ** **

All: Hooray!

****Matt "The Man" Halford :
This has to be some sort of nightmare!****

Crow: You're telling us!

****Sledge's career could well be in jepody here****

Tom: You're in SCW Sledge. Face it, your career's already over.

****as so could Dynamite X's when Competitor gets his hands on him. Come back after the break to see what happens to Dynamite X!****

Seth: Do we have to?

** The scene fades and cuts to a fed adverts. **

TV: Finally, a commicheal brake

Seth: *Snort* Is this old MST reference day, *snort*.

**** The scene re-opens and the Supreme-Tron is up. It is shooting back in the parking lot****

Tom: Even the 'Tron is shooting up? Everyone's wasted in this fed!

Crow: Do ya blame 'em?

Tom: Not a bit.

****where Competitor is looking around for Dynamite X.****

Tom: Here, Dynamite X, X, X. Comere girl.

****Competitor is carrying a baseball bat with him. Competitor passes one flaming car,****

TV: But he doesn't swing that way.


Seth: That works on so many levels, Trey. Kudos.


****obviously down to the work of Dynamite X. ****

[Crow hums the "Mission Impossible" Theme.]

****Competitor :
DYNAMITE X!!!!! ****

TV: It's the stealthy approach.

**** There is no reply and Competitor carries on walking. He suddenly hears a howl of laughter****

Seth: Maniacal laughter at that. Guess the scriptwriter had another episode.

****and then Competitor gets another burning car into view. HIS MUSTANG! Competitor looks at Dynamite X staring at the flaming mustang in disgust.****

TV: (DX) That'll teach him not to get a rental. Mwahaha.

***Competitor then sneaks up behind Dynamite X and when in striking distance he clobbers Dynamite X right on the back of the head with the baseball bat! ****

Crow: (DX) Hey, that bat is corked! I claim a foul!

****Competitor :

TV: Works for me.

Tom: Put president Dave in there too.

Seth: And Big Bad Dan... wait, what am I saying? You'd need a Winnebago to do that!

**** Competitor gwts Dynamite X and chucks him into the burning Mustang. The car is only partialy burning, just in the backseat and a bit in the engine.****

Crow: Plus the tyres, the fuel tank and a nearby busload of orphans.

****Competitor handcuffs Dynamite X to the steering wheel. ****

TV: He then takes out an M-16 and begins shooting at the hood, looking to make it explode. But that doesn't work, so he pulls out a nearby rocket launcher and aims...

Seth: SCW: The "S" stands for "Sheeee-right!".

****Dynamite X :
Huh, you wouldn't dare, now let me out, this is beyond a joke Competitor.
Competitor :
No way X, and look, I've got dynamite!****

Seth: Oh, get the fuck out of here! If Vince Russo overdosed on LSD, he STILL wouldn't write this shit!

****And guess where it's going.****

TV: Up your ass, sucka! Just like you did to my kitty last week.

****You've got it, around the car!
** Competitor reaches into the boot of the Mustang and quickly pulls out about 20 fireworks, shaped and designed to look like dynamite.****

TV: Happy Fourth of July everyone. This is what America is all about.

Seth: Beer, hotdogs and blowing shit up! USA! USA!

****Competitor chuckles and grabs the fireworks out of the boot before the boot lid drops down on fire. Competitor puts the fireworks all around the flaming car and Dynamite X starts to sweat in fear. ****

Tom: Unlike Big Bad Dan, who was actually sweating chicken gravy.

****Dynamite X :
Competitor :
Hell no Dynamite X, I'm gonna blow you to the stars! ****

TV: Hollywood?

Crow: Maybe he's going to blow him to the Circus of the Stars. That'd suck...

**** The flames finally spark up the fireworks and they fly in the air and all clatter in a bang. Competitor laughs histerically and starts to walk off leaving the screaming Dynamite X handcuffed to the burning Mustang.****

Seth: I'm prescribing Electro-Shock Therapy for this entire organization.

****Competitor smashes in the window of Dynamite X's other car and hotwires it. Competitor then drives up to the burning vehicle and calls to Dynamite X. ****

Crow: (Competitor) Dude, is this manual or automatic? And where's the cigarette lighter?

****Competitor :
You may have got one over me last week X, and you sure as hell have got one over me and my younger bro today. But right now, this is MY MOMENT!****

Tom: Yes, THIS is the pinnacle of his wrestling career.

Seth: And that's so sad, I think I'm going to cry.

****Oh, and X, they were fireworks by the way and if you haven't already noticed. Those plastic handcuffs have a small catch that can easily be reached so, you should be safe, happy days brother! ****

TV: This is why Competitor will never be a heel.

**** The scene begins to fade as Dynamite X unlocks the catch on the toy handcuffs and falls out of the burning vehicle as Competitor drives off laughing. ****

Supreme Championship Wrestling© All Rights Reserved 2002-2003

TV: Good lord, it's over.

Seth: Begonne, SCW... and never darken the Internet again!

[Seth picks up Tom and all four exit the theatre. Door sequence of 1...2...3...4...5...6...and we're back on the Satellite of Love. Tom spots a ladder.]

Tom: AHHHHHGGGGHH! (Pause) So, what was the moral of that show?

Crow: Cancel it. Quickly.

Seth: Burn it down and salt the earth.

Trey: Oh yay, here's Ed.

[Trey hits the blinking button.]

Ed: Well, now, wasn't that fun.

Seth: No.

Ed: Good. You boys must learn the error of your ways before you can ever hope to escape that satellite.

Crow: Or BOB cancels us!

Trey: What are you talking about, Ed?

Ed: You boys have made a career off embarrassing people in sports entertainment. I've been embarrassed IN sports entertainment. I thought it made plenty of sense.

Trey: Whatever, Ed. Bring it all on.

Ed: Oh, I'll break you. You and your little bots, too. Meehehehehehe.

[Screen goes black.]

[Screen goes red]

[Screen goes all static-y with that annoying "KSSSSHHHH" sound.]

[Sceen cuts to a brick wall. A hand moves into shot, holding a hand-lettered sign reading "SPECIAL BONUS SHORT SUBJECT!"]

[Door sequence to the theatre. Seth and the bots are there already.]

Seth Lock it in, boys... it's time to get Extream!

Tom: Uuhh, don't you mean "Extreme", Seth?

Seth: Not with this crowd, I don't..

***Extream World Wrestling's "Monday Night Rebellion***

Crow: Ahh, I see. "EWW: We's spell goodly!"

***"Total Rebellion" begins to play and the crowd goes wild as Rebellion goes on the air.***

Tom: And the paying public plots a rebellion against half-assed wrestling organisations...

****Kenny Bartow: "Welcome to Extream World Wrestling's Monday night Rebellion. We have a great show for you tonight."***

Seth: (Kenny) It's called "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer"! But first, OUR crappy show...

***Ben Stine: "That's right Kenny, tonight we are going to see Ally defend her Woman's Title against the Billion Dollar Princes Stephanie McMahon."***

Tom: Ally McBeal's on the roster? How did SHE make the minimum weight requirement?

Crow: Stephanie married a Prince? Did he buy her?

Tom: Oh, no, no, she's going to defend her title against a bunch of rich men.

Crow: Ah yes, that makes much more sense.

***Kenny Bartow: "We are also going to see a highly anticipated loser leaves town match between former friends Raven and Jihad."
Ben Stine: "I hope that some how both of them lose!"***

Crow: (Kenny) Well, they're both born losers for joining our company, so it just might happen!

***Kenny Bartow: Well Ben, we're set for another exciting night here on Monday Night Rebellion!
Ben Stine: We are-we are-we are!!***

Tom: (Kenny) We-are, we-are, we-are what?

Crow: (Ben) Losers-losers-losers!

***And we are wasting no time here as The Hardyz come storming to the stage!!***

Seth: (TV Weatherman) There's a Hardy Boyz storm warning in effect for Nebraska, with an 80% chance of random faggyness and blown spots.

***Kenny Bartow: And as "King of my World" hits the airwaves, Jericho and Answer come storming to the ring!!
Ben Stine: 'Both' of them!!***

Tom: (Kenny) Good input, Ben. You're dead weight around here at times.

***Kenny Bartow: The bell sounds and this match is under way! Vulcan, our special guest referee,***

Seth: (Vulcan) Wrestle well and prosper...

***getting two men out of the ring, and Matt Hardy will be starting off this one with Answer.***

Crow: (Matt Hardy) Uhh.. The Statue of Liberty?

Seth: Oooh, wrong Answer!

***Matt avoiding the lock-up with the bigger opponent, a spell of tactically planned dodges by Matt Hardy, trying to avoid Answer.***

Tom: Stop avoiding the question! Or the Answer, as the case may be.

***He ducks, he weaves, he tumbles...***

Seth: He blows a simple move. Oh, wait.. that's JEFF's gimmick.

***Ben Stine: He walks right into that cloths-line!***

Tom: (Matt Hardy) Hey, who put that there? Ouch, and whose tumble drier is this?

Crow: And the "Laundromat Rumble" gets off to a flying start.

***Kenny Bartow: Answer nailed that big forearm on Matt there, now he's picking him up with a front face-lock. He drives that forearm into Matt's back, dropping him to the mat.***

Seth: (Homer) Matt go up, Matt go down. Matt go up...

***Answer with the face-lock again,***

Tom: Okay, sure.. my answer is "The facelock again".



Crow: And that wins you a season pass to all EWW events!

Tom: D'OH!

***he backs into his corner, and the tag is made to Jericho. Jericho coming in under the ropes, and a huge double axe handle to Matt Hardy; and Hardy goes down!
Ben Stine: Jericho is shaking down Matt Hardy!!***

Seth: (Jericho) Gimmie your lunch money, Matt! Yeah, all of it!

***Kenny Bartow: Jericho tossing Matt into the ropes, and a flying knee will take Matt down again. Matt Hardy is dazed and confusedÖ
Ben Stine: Great movie!***

Crow: It was better than this lousy squash of a match, all right.

***Kenny Bartow: Matt needs to make a tag to his brother, Jeff. Matt inching his way closer, but Chris Jericho will have none of that. He drags Matt away by the leg. Matt stands on his other leg, using Jericho for balance, he goes for the insegurri; but he misses!***

Crow: Seth, what's an "insegurri"?

Seth: It's a Japanese dish made of pork, tofu and mung beans, I think. Matt must be getting the after-match take-out tonight.

***Ben Stine: You're right; he does need to make a tag!
Kenny Bartow: Jericho making the tag to Answer.***

Seth: (Jericho) Is that your final, Answer?

Tom: (Answer) I told you to quit making that joke!

***These two showing great tag-team skills here, and quite frankly, I'm surprised that these two even get along so well in their promos!
Ben Stine: Well, they're always hanging out together now, and they have great chemistry!***


Seth: If this thing turns into a steamy sex scene, I'm outta here!

Crow: So are we...

***Kenny Bartow: Answer coming in with a kick to the exposed ribs of Matt Hardy.***

Crow: (Answer) Matt, your ribs are hanging out again... let me get those for you. KICK!

Tom: (Matt) Thanks, man...

***A quick bulldog will put Matt on the ground.***

Seth: Hmmm... I still think I prefer "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" as a typing exercise.

***Rollover, there's the pin...

Crow: (Robotic monotone) One. Two. Kick. Out. Insert coin to continue.

***Kenny Bartow: Matt Hardy not ready to give up just yet! Answer with a whip towards the ropes, but Matt with the Irish whip counter, Answer goes into the ropes, knocking Jeff Hardy off the ring,***

Seth: Jeff surprises us by not making a mess of the bump.

***he goes running back to Matt Hardy...***

Tom: ...In slow-motion, with romantic music playing. Awww...

***And a flying shoulder block to Matt Hardy's chest!!
Ben Stine: We should start the Hardyz' eulogy.***

Seth: Jeff Hardy was great wrestler with a ton of potential and great wrestling skills. Then Vince McMahon booked him in table match after table match until he was a broken-down, painkiller-popping shell of a man. So Vince fired his ass. Amen.

***Kenny Bartow: Jericho getting the tag now, he steps into the ring and launches a series of elbow on the prone Matt Hardy! Jeff Hardy tries to storm after Answer on the other side of the ring;***

Crow: That's like the third storm in ten minutes! They must be broadcasting from England in the summer.

***and referee Vulcan stopping Jeff in his tracks, giving Answer the few moments he needs for a double-team!
Ben Stine: I've pulled out my stopwatch; I give Team Extreme two full minutes before it's over.***

Tom: And even if it is, the match will still be two minutes too long.

***Kenny Bartow: Chris Jericho with the sunset flip! He's got Matt Hardy in a sleeper now!***

Seth: Actually, that's a sleeper variation called the "Snoozer". As in, this match is so boring that... *yawn*

Crow: Oops, Seth nodded off in mid-riff.

***Matt slapping the arm of Chris Jericho, and brother Jeff reaching for the tag. Matt's hand falls once, it falls twice, it falls thr... no! He's still in this one!
Ben Stine: Gee... Who saw that one coming?***

Crow: Not Seth, anyway.

Seth: *snore*

***Kenny Bartow: Matt Hardy coming to life here! He breaks out of the hold, and Jericho toss him into the ropes. Blind Tag, the ref saw it!! Matt Hardy with a clothesline to Jericho! Upon getting to his feet, Jeff Hardy lands a clothesline as well!!***

Crow: Seth, buddy.. wakey-wakey!

Seth: Mswgl.. huh? Where am I? I had this bad dream about a really boring match...

***Jericho crawling to the corner of the ropes!***

Seth: Oh, God.. it wasn't a dream, was it?

Tom: Afraid not.

***Matt Hardy with the dropkick! He drops to the ground, and Jeff Hardy with the leap off his brother's back into Jericho!!***

Crow: Jeff mis-times his step and gives Matt a minor concussion.

Seth: (Matt) Duuuude!

Tom: (Jeff) Sorry!

***Jericho gets up staggering, Matt with the drop toe hold, and Jeff with the 'Swanton Bomb'!!***

Tom: CRUNCH! So that's TWO concussions in this match.

***The pinÖ
One... Tw... Save]***

Seth: Save what? The whales?

***Kenny Bartow: The save by Answer!! Answer grabbing Jeff Hardy, and the two go over the top rope!!***

Crow: Ooh, it's an Ejector Seat match!

***They fight on the outside as Jericho knocks Matt to the mat!!***

Tom: I love unintentional irony...

***He runs to the ropes... 'Lionsault'!!! He goes for the pin!!!
[One... Two... Three... Ding-ding-ding!!!]***

Seth: And the one-sided squash limps to a pitiful and predictable end. Hooray.

***Announcer: The winners of this match, and new number one contenders for the Tag-Team Titles... Answer and Chris Jericho.
Ben Stine: What's Vulcan doing?***

Crow: Attempting a mind-meld with Jeff hardy, apperantly.

Seth: (Vulcan) Damn, no mind to meld with anymore. Must be all those concussions.

***Kenny Bartow: He's waving someone in from backstage; this can't be good. It's Warrior!!!***

Tom: (Warrior) HEY! It's pronounced WAR-YAH! *snort*

***Warrior coming to the ring now and The One Warrior Nation is beating the hell out of both teams!!!
Ben Stine: Pre-empt to the title match, I suppose!!***

Seth: (Kenny) Oh, damn your Vulcan Logic, Ben!

***Kenny Bartow: It's a massacre is what it is!! We have to go to another match, but no referee wants to get close to this action!!!***

Crow: No self-respecting wrestling fan would, either.

***Ben Stine: I don't see you volunteering to go in there!
Kenny Bartow: All three teams are beating the life out of one another in there!! What was that!?! It's a cat... It's a tiger...***

Tom: It's SUPERcat..tiger... something.

Crow: (TV) It's a pussy!

***Ben Stine: It's Snuffles!!!***

Seth: Wasn't he a cartoon mouse back in the 40's? Or was that Sniffles?

Kenny Bartow: It looks like Ally doesn't want to wait any longer for these men to leave the ring as "Superbeast" hits the air!! She has a match against Stephanie McMahon next, and she's sent Snuggles out to clear the ring!!!***

Tom: So she released a tiger into the ring? Yep, THERE'S a smart plan for ya...

Seth: EWW comes to you tonight from an unlicensed bingo hall in Tijuana, Mexico. No lawsuits will be allowed if you're accidentally mauled during the show!

[The screen goes black. Cut to Seth on the bridge of the SoL.]

Seth: Man, the things we have to do to fill our timeslots sometimes! 'Night, folks!

[Fade to black]

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