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iAd vs. CWF! (MST3K 2.4)

RAMMY THAT SLAMMY UP YOUR CANNY!

DISCLAIMER: As always, we have nothing to do with the e-fed in this MSTie. We use spell check, most times, and know a thing or two about describing...words and stuff. (2008 note: And there is no Britney Spears drunk interview here. Freaks...) -Skeeter & Leary.


[We open upon Ed Tenta-Shaw’s lair.]

Ed: Hello tender viewers of Mystery Sports Entertainment Theater 3000. My name is Ed Tenta-Shaw. And I am a supervillain. Because superheroes are stupid. And tonight, I guarantee that those two people and two robots who are trapped on the Satellite of Love will have their brains turn to mush. Whether it’s by watching tonight’s special show. Or by listening…to this."

[That was when he held up the scariest sight a non-prepubescent girl could dream of. The first Avril Lavigne CD!!!!]

Ed: This is the one with "Sk8er Boi" on it. Or however that’s spelled. Shiver in fear, kids. Seth and Trey are going to hell. And they thought BOB was bad. Mwahahaha.

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!

[SCENE MISSING.]

Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[Time for the first door sequence of the night. 1...2...3...4...5...6. The boys and bots are on the SoL.]

TV: Hello, viewers, and welcome to the iAd’s show. As usual, if you don’t know the deal, me and Seth watch the movies, make fun of the idiots trying to pretend to be icons and hardcore and sports entertainers.

Seth: That’s right Trey. And we’re recapping the show premise for you because we really don’t have any other sort of opening.

TV: That’s right, Seth. And how about that weather today.

Tom: Um. Hello?

Crow: Yeah. What gives, guys?

[The camera pans back to reveal the bots are sitting on the counter near Seth and Trey. Seth is on the left, since he’s evil and gothic and all.]

Tom: You guys barge into the SOL and act like you’re the show. What about us? What about the bots?

TV: When was the last time you came to one of our writing meetings. You know what? Seth was eating DURING our writing, he got something stuck in between his teeth, but he kept going. I don’t see you guys sacrificing anything for the iAd.

Seth: Now, Trey. They do endure the torture. And they do come up with some good zingers.

TV: Well, one of them sounds like a nerdy radio announcer and the other has this really annoying foreign accent.

Crow: Look, guys, all we’re asking for is some credit. Sure, you’re the big stars. How about a "would you please" or even a "Hey, Crow, nice to see you’re still existing considering we’re two stupid humans who don’t know how to maintain us!"

[Seth and Trey looked at each other.]

Seth: Are we rude to them?

TV: Yes.

Seth: How should we address that?

TV: I dunno. I’ve never been particularly nice to anybody who isn’t about to hop into bed with me. Or the backseat of a car. Or—

Seth: I get the point.

TV: And you being all evil and alll…well, guys, we’re heels, you realize.

Tom: Heels have feelings too. I mean, at the end of the day, don’t you ever have the slightest feeling that maybe you could have made somebody else’s day nicer by asking them how their day was when their only company is a retarded bot and Comabot.

Crow: Yeah—hey…wait a second…

[The SoL begins flashing. There was no resolution to the conflict. See? We’re realistic! Not like those stupid network shows that wrap everything up in a half-hour or 6 hour miniseries. But we have the door sequence and it goes 654321. The foursome enters the theatre.]

****The CWF-Pro E-Wrestling Awards VI
Live on Dec 04 2000
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

Seth: Oh, Good Lord. We're MSTing the Slammies?

TV: This is a new low.

Tom: I hope we win "Best Sarcastic Quip"!

****This is the Awards #6(#5 was never aired) ****

TV: And they say death threats don't work anymore.

Crow: Number 5 never aired, so this is now Award Show #5.1, rounded to the nearest decimal point. I think.

Seth: Pass the abacus. And a beer.

Tom: Either that or they just won't admit they can't count.

***ok I am Amber Burns! Will lets see who WON what!***

Seth: Are Amber Burns related to carpet burns? Because they sound painful....

TV: Whose won what? Whose on first?

Tom: No, Lets needs to see who won what because he doesn't know.

TV: WHAT?

Seth: Tom, don't traumatize Trey this early.

****AWARDS #6:
-Worst Wrestler-****

Seth: XXtreme Machine's a shoo-in for this one....

TV: Natch.

****Death angel was unable to be here cuz he is gay, but here is his gay lover Mr. Hardcore.****

Crow: Hardcore Gay Sex: live on Pay-Per-View!

TV: I can smell the disturbing hits already.

Seth: So these awards are just a cheap excuse to take cheap shots at other people, huh?

Tom: Just like the Emmys!

****Mr. Hardcore: yeah hey we will use this during ((BEEP))) Hey get the hell out of here. Fags! ****

Tom: (Mr Hardcore) Get that road-runner out of here!

TV: He obviously won't be using a dictionary during whatever BEEP is.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Comeback(like disappeared and came back)- ****

TV: I always liked to comeback with some sort of remark about me being on top of his mother the night before.

Seth: (Valley Girl) Like, he was so here.. and then he wasn't, y'know!

****Punisher- Umm thanks
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

Tom: If you want a full refund, sign on the dotted line.

Crow: Where did the Punisher just come from? Did the tape skip?

TV: Isn't it embarrassing when somebody is drunk and tries to do something creative.

Seth: Yep... *coughTreyspromocough*

****-Best Kind of Match(type/style of match)- ****

TV: I always have to go with the cat fight.

Tom: Exploding Electified Cagefull of Man-Eating weasels match!

Seth: What, AGAIN?

****Barbwire Pit match; everyone that has been in the pit comes out a new person! ****

TV: Ah, it's just like scientology.

Seth: (wrestler) I have been SAVED! Hey, is that my ear?

****With blood and more blood. If you enter the pit. Don’t think you will have an easy time in it. Its all hell.****

TV: The bloodiest bloody bloodfest on the bleeding planet.

Crow: So is this show... I wonder if bots can get drunk?

*hiss of beer can being opened*

Seth: I think the writer of this needs to spend a few hours in the Pit...

TV: And over the pit, just for more blood, they can hang a bunch of chicks on the rag.

ALL: (Various sounds of disgust)

Tom: Thanks for that image, Trey...

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-A dumb move cuz you retired- ****

Seth: Huh? is that a category, or just a brain spasm from the writer?

TV: I'd dare say brain spasm. It sounds like the writer's brain is dripping out his ear by now.

Crow: this show makes about as much sense as Comabot after a pint of malt liquor.

Comabot: Jam it in the ear, Neville! Narf.

TV: Has he had the malt liquor yet, Crow?

Crow: Nope, but I have.

TV: Damn.

*straw sucking sounds*

****(and the winner for A dumb move cuz you retired award is... The ICON MIGUAL SANCHEZ! Sanchez's theme plays and he walks to the stage with Jenny Love his wife) ****

TV: Ci senor. Odelay odelay esse.

Seth: (Hollywood Agent) Love ya! Love ya wife!

Crow: hey! Migual Sanchez! that's the brand of beer I'm drinking!

****Sanchez: Well everyone thanks for this award. I know most of you believe that is was a dumb move on my part to retire, but I have been ewrestling since 1996. That’s along time.****

Tom: Yeah, if you're a mayfly.

TV: Wait, wait. Why isn't he talking like a stereotypical Mexican and dancing around a hat?

Seth: (MS) Ummm.. ole?

**** I thank you all for your vote and I believe that the roster that we have are great guys/girls. ****

TV: (MS) Some of 'em, I can't tell the difference. But I love them all the same!

Crow: Welcome to the Transgendered Wrestling Federations "chicks wit' Dicks" Pay-per-view!

****They will be the new legends of the cwf.pro (if they stick it out and not leave and act like an ass) ****

TV: If the shows are of this quality, why would anybody want to leave?

Seth: And the award for "Most Childish Venting of the Year" goes to...

****It's funny, now guys come up to me and ask me to watch there match in the back on the TV and tell them what I think and to give them some pointers. Its great, I care for them like they were my kids.****

TV: Watch that match there.

Tom: (MS) I used to care for them like a Catholic priest, but I kept getting arrested...

Crow: (MS) These guys are better than my kids because they don't suck as much. But that's another story for another counseling session.

****But these kids are great and if I was to return I would most likely get my ass wiped cuz I am to slow and old for these young kids. But hey I am only 28 and thats old? ****

Seth: at 28, he should still be able to wipe his own ass, I feel.

TV: He must be hardkorr.

Crow: Can empty. More beer.

Seth: any effect yet?

Crow: Nope. Damn.

TV: You did get that beer from Seth's stash, I hope.

Crow: Of course...

Seth: Crow, you know bots can't cross their fingers....

****LOOK AT IT
WISH YOU HAD IT
KiZziT
The ICON Migual Sanchez****

Tom: AHHHGH! Okay, we're watching! Stop shouting at us!

TV: The term icon is thrown around way too loosely when I'm the only one who really qualifies.

Seth: I'm looking at it... but I'm wishing I was in Antigua with Allyson Hannigan, oddly enough.

*****
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

TV: Odd, there probably should be something there.

Crow: A deleted aerial scene from "Antz"

****-He went out like a hero- *****

TV: He was Super Gigolo!

Seth: Okay if I go out for a hero? Or a hoagie?

Crow: just sit there and hold the straw, Seth. *slurp*

****Brittany Michaels: "Well, I'm not sure whether I should be proud or pissed. ****

Seth: I feel like I'M pissed.... who is she, and what's she doing here?

TV: Brittany hasn't figured out if she's a he or he's a she.

Tom: This show looks like the home movies of David Lynch.

****
Frankly I'm still pissed since the Prez didn't give me a chance to explain myself. His lose not mine. I am quiet successful now in another promotion.****

TV: She's the female version of Chris Benoit then?

Crow: (BM) You lose, not me. I be quiet now. Shhhhh.

*hic*

****I have won various titles and am proud to be in the main event status. They appreciate pure talent when the see it not just some girl who they expect to run around half naked. ****

TV: OK, now she's making this personal. Dumb broad.

Seth: CWF appreciates its talent. Now strip to the waist and dive in the Jell-o, wench!

***However I did have a few real matches in the CWF. But sadly nothing I am too proud about only for the double swanton off the steel cage I did with one of the Johnson Boys. ****

Seth: Hey, Big Rod Johnson and his brother Dick are still around! They’re a couple of pricks in the locker room, though...

**** I will take this award but I will not show it off and be proud of it. I might have made my debut in CWF but that is definitely nothing I am proud of. ****

TV: I'm sure the CWF executives are so happy they brought her here tonight.

Crow: Luckily the award comes with a years supply of batteries and a variable speed control, so she's happy with it.

Tom: It's like being in the CWF for her was like being a porn star or like she worked at Denny's. She just wants to forget that part of her life and move on.

Seth: Wouldn't you?

Tom: Just like you and the OCW, huh Seth?

Seth: The OC what? Never heard of it...

TV: Hey, didn't you job to some Indian chief there?

Seth: Don't know what you guys are talking about. Roll tape, Comabot...

****I don't even mention the name of CWF as others might look down on me. Wanna know what the best thing that ever happened to me was...?? ****

TV: If she talks about that drunken orgy with the sheep...

Crow: (BM) I'm a baaaaaaaaa-d girl. How about "Ewe"? Hee hee. *hic*

****That's simple getting fired from the CWF. So Prez when you see my name grazing every wrestling magazine cover and on every TV commercial just realize what you missed out on...The Best thing to hit the wrestling world...well since forever! Peace easy!"****

TV: Grazing. She's hinting at it right there, guys.

Seth: And I though you were just pulling the wool over my eyes, Trey....

Tom: Brittany had a little lamb. Then she had a smoke and had two more...

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-He went out like an asshole- ****

All: NEIGE!

Seth: The BigBOSS owes us another five bucks for the insult... I'll add it to his tab.

****CEO- Well I am an asshole for mocking the pres on the RP board. I am an asshole****

TV: (Denis Leary singing) I'm an assholeyodoyodeeyo.

Tom: A! SS! HO! LE! Everybody!

Seth: I write shitty cards, they are, pretty lame!

Crow: And everyone that reads 'em, is going insane!

ALL: He's an ASSHOLE!

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Please come back- ****

TV: (Singing) Baby come back.

Seth: It's a desperate plea to the CWF audience...

Crow: Baby got back? Yep, this bot likes big butts. *belch*

****(Come with me by Puff Daddy hits and Jackson makes his way to the stage. The fans are going nuts)****

TV: I'm not going near Puff Daddy.

Tom: Look closer, I think the fansa re THROWing nuts. At Jackson.

****Jackson- As the tuffest SOB in the cwf.pro I say thank you for this award. ****

TV: (Jackson) I'd also like to thank you for not noticing I'm the most ripping-offest catch-phrase stealer and that's the bottom line if ya smell what I'm cooking.

Seth: Wow, I hope he get the award for his Mad Mic Skillz, too....

Crow: Whoo! (Falls of his chair)

Seth: Score another one for beer...

****But I will say this once and once only. I am not coming back. If I did there would be no one left in the cwf.pro cuz you all know I would beat all of you in a hot second. ***

TV: He's a one-minute man with the ladies, eh?

Tom: So he comes back, and everyone else quits in disgust, huh? Figures.

Seth: I notice he's not being insulted... think he's one of the writers wrestlers?

****I was a bigdog and I was the man. I won titles & matches from guys that don’t even want to look at me. ****

TV: (Jackson) And I think some of them were dykes, but I couldn't figure it out.

Crow: He's the Ugliest SOB in the Game and you're playingin his yard... word life!

****Maybe one day I shall return but untill then keep it all good and keep all real. Cuz I am watching you all. "AND YOU KNOW WHY" (everyone saying with him) "CUZ I’M BLACK"****

TV: Ah, there's that sterotype I've been looking for.

Seth: Oooh, it's the Afro-American Illuminati! Trust no-one, dogg!

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Most Popular ****

Tom: Ummm.. Most Popular WHAT? Chicken?

TV: We're getting into high school yearbook craptitude here.

Seth: "Most Likely to Job to the President" is next, methinks.

****When Hero heard his name as the winner, he fell out of his chair. Everyone started laughing. He got up, dusted himself, and laughed along with the crowd. He goes up to accept his award and speaks.****

Crow: (Hero) Duh. I fell on my bottom.

TV: (Hero) You find that funny you jobless pieces of jobless shit.

Seth: (Hero) Fourscore and seven years ago... oh, fuck, wrong speech. Thank you. Fags.

****Hero:"Wow! I can't believe I won for Most Popular! I thought the winner would be Ash K or Major D since they've been making big headlines here. ****

TV: (Hero) And they use letters in their gimmick names.

Seth: (Hero) I was going to call myself the Tenacious H.E.R.O, but I couldn't fit it on the T-shirt.

****Well, I like to thank you all for voting for me for the Most Popular. Thank you." ****

TV: (Hero) And fuck you.

Seth: (CWF president) You're FIRED!

TV: (Hero) HOORAY!

Crow: hee hee hee... running gags're funny. *hic*

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Reporter- ****

Seth: And the entire audience heads for the concession stand en masse.

Tom: Just like a Maven match!

****(they call R@ven's name to come to the stage to get his BEST REPORTER AWARD) ****

TV: R@ven, Maven, whatever.

Seth: Email him at R@ven.vill.zis.shit.end.com

****R@ven: Ha ha! Eat your heart out JIM BOSS AND CANNON!!! Yeah! Listen everyone, I do a lot of stuff for this efed. I have been here since 1997 and I have never bytched about anything here. ***

Crow: So here goes. You suck. She sucks. He's a fag. I hate the prez. You still suck.

****I wrestled my last match here and I will stay with this efed till I die or it does. This award would not be mine if I didn't have all of you to interview and talk to.****

*The sound of a rifle being cocked is heard*

TV: Somebody's gonna die by the end of this.

Seth: Trey, you can't go jobber hunting yet.... youre still sober!

**** I would like to thank the Pres, all the guys that I have talked into coming here, and the good Lord.*****

TV: Not that naughty evil one.

Seth: It's the Jim Ross award, so he should thank the GOOD GAWD ALMIGHTY!

****And if I forgot to say anyone's name then I am sorry. but everyone on the roster, I thank you aswell. Quote the R@VEN NEVER MORE! Thank you. ****

TV: Did he say anybody's name in there?

Seth: Man, this award show sucks. It's ranking right below the Grammies and just above the Nickeloden Kids Choice awards....

****(R@ven leaves the stage, and all the fans and wrestlers clap for the dirty bird) ****

Seth: We're in "Misery" all right...

*****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Hotest girl-
****

TV: MIchelle Branch. At the moment.

Seth: Trey should judge this one. You've been know to "test the hos", right?

Crow: Bwa-ha-ha-haa-haaaa! *Hic*

****(Jenny is the winner of the Hotest girl award. She starts up the stairs to the stage. She is wearing a red dress with rubys on it) ****

TV: Somebody's been doing a little rubbing on her dress? It wasn't me, sadly.

Tom: We now cut to the hosts "Shoe-Cam" for the acceptance speech.

Seth: Whoa, beaver season started early this year.

TV: My lord, how far you've come since knowing me, Seth. Beaver jokes. I'm so proud.

Seth: You're my mentor, Trey...

Crow: Beaver. hee hee hee. Fuzzy.

****Jenny- Thank you all for voting for me! I can't believe I lose the best manager award! This is the 5th awards night we have had and every year I always win it! ****

Seth: Jenny’s been taking those "Stupidity as a Second Language" classes, i see.

Tom: I won't hold my breath until I see the "Smartest Woman" award. Though, I really don't have any breath do I?

Crow: Hee hee hee.. *plink*. Aww, nuts I'm sober again!

Seth: Man, bots process alcohol QUICK, huh Trey?

TV: Joel and Mike must have needed drinking buddies.

****Well At least you all think I am the hottest girl of the efed. but I didn't win that nicests ass award. Is my ass to big or something? ****

TV: Nicest ass award? Well at least they're not padding the card.

Crow: Okay, when was THAT award handed out? Did I miss it when I was rolling in the gutter like a drunken slob?

****Well I think its hot and so does Sanchez. He loves it, he must if he likes to play with it all the time. Well euff of that, thank you for the award. KiZzmE ****

Seth: Sanchez loves playing with her ass... Repress your homosexuality much?

TV: He's an ass man. *Whump whump*

Tom: Billy. Chuck. Sanchez. Ole.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-who has the nices ass-
****

TV: Guys, I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess Jenny Love won't win this one.

Seth: Who has the Nieces ass? SICK!

Tom: The show must be coming from Arkansas.

****Ang: "OK...Um....Well, I wasn't really expecting to win this...I guess I'd like to thank all of the guys who um....look at my ass....Um....I don't know what else to say. Thank you everyone that voted for me and...I'll try to keep my ass in the best shape possible!Thanks!" ****

TV: Some rapper could make some Benjamins singing about her ass.

Seth: CWF: Writing about Asses, written BY asses.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Most Hated(the badest bad guy)- ****

TV: (Razor Ramon) Hey meng, I'm da bad guy.

Crow: Followed by the Goodest Good Guy and the Tweenest Tweener.

****Mike Powers walks to the stage:
Powers: Being bad is something that I love. After I took the ICON and kicked his ass 3 times. I took his title from him 2 times and retired his ass 2 times.****

TV: But there's one thing he does every time: Bore the crowd.

Seth: Mike "I Love Asses" Powers....

****I knew that my time has come. Now that Ash K believes he is the next main eventer he is so dam wrong. ****

Tom: Who ya gonna call? Dam Busters!

TV: Rob Van Dam stars in So Dam Wrong. Coming soon to Spike TV. Check local listings.

Seth: Does "Ash K" sound like a new designer drug to anyone else?

TV: I'll get on that.

****Once I return I will beat his ass more times than Amber has been spanked my all the guys in the back. *****

TV: CFW: Got Ass?

Seth: Mike "I REALLY Like Asses" Powers.

****I swear Ash K, you will not get away for what you did to me. NO KNOW MAKES A FOOL OUT OF MIKEY POWERS! Once I get the ok fromt he Doctors YOUR ASS IS MINE! ****

TV: Homo eroticism is running wild tonight.

Crow: (MP) I'll add it to my Ass Collection!

****And as for this award, I can care less about it. I will take it and put it up in my office at home. So I can look at it and remeber why I AM THE BADDEST ASSHOLE ON THE PLANT!! ****

TV: I hope it's not a cactus!"

Seth: *snort*

Tom: This assholes on some sort of plant, all right...

****"better that we die on our feet than live on our knees" ****

Crow: (MP) Or our asses.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Most Improved-
And the winner of Most Improved Wrestler goes to..... Major Disorder!!! *****

TV: For proper exclamation point use.

Seth: (MD) I am a walrus! What are you looking at? What am _I_ looking at? Eek, wide-open spaces! They scare me!

Crow: Those are some major disorders, all right.

****The spotlight flashes to the back of the room showing the Major fast asleep at his table. One of the braver CWF staff wakes up to him, gently nudges him and whispers something into his ear. ****

Seth: (CFW Flunky) Psstt... the president says you're fired.

TV: (MD) What a nice dream I just had.

Tom: Major Sleep Disorder, at your service!

***The Major then stands up and makes his way to the podium. He looks quite bizarre wearing the top half of a tux, with combat pants and army boots... ***

TV: And the chair still stuck to his ass.

Crow: Major Disorder dressed by Comabot Fashions...

****Major D: "So most improved wrestler then... well that's a bloody joke... I was already the best, it just took you fools this long to realise it, maybe you deserve an award for that! And while I'm up here I am sure the invitation said that it was open bar, I mean six-fifty for a beer that's damn criminal and... HEY stop pushing me..." The stage hands quickly escort the Major from the stage before he can make more of a scene... *****

TV: I'm sure there's a bar open now. I should go.

Seth: Six-fifty for a Coors? Trey, put the shotgun down....

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Biggest shock of the year- Lucas Hollywood Walks out on Supersexy ****

TV: The love affair is over? NO!

Crow: It was brief, tempestuous and very, very gay.

Seth: Supersexy was pissed HE didn't win "Best Ass".

****(As the nominations for the biggest shock of the year are announced, Keith Preston and Candy are sitting at a table with The Hardcore Pimp. When Lucas walking out on Keith is announced as the winner Keith gets up slowly and walks to the podium.) ****

Seth: (Keith Preston) I'd like to accept this award, so I can ram it up the presidents ass. Thank you.

****SS: Well, obviously this isn't an award that I really wanted to win. I was just as shocked as anybody when Luke walked out on me. We were the tag team champions of the world for Godssake.
(A wave of boos goes through the crowd.) ****

Crow: Five bucks says Migual Sanchez started the wave.

Seth: Bloody Mexicans.

****SS: I guess I want to thank Candy for her love and encouragement and helping me get through this thing.****

TV: And the blow job she gave me in the car on the way.

Seth: Yep, suckin' ain’t easy... although this federation is pretty good at it.

****I also want to thank Pres Burns for beiliving in my ability to overcome this major roadbump,****

TV: What, the English language?

Tom: (Pres Burns) Excellent.

Seth: (Vice-President Smithers) i think we need more asses in the show, sir.

****I wanna thank Jim Boss for all the cool stuff that he writes about. Personally I think I'm gonna win the battle royal too. Finally I want to thank Luke for leaving, because if he hadn't I never would have formed the Player's Club with The Pimp and the Pimp is a partner who I know I can depend. I guess that's it.****

TV: I hope that's it.

Crow: Man, I so hope some disgruntled loser opens up with an Uzi before the end of the show. I love a happy ending.

***SS: Sexiholics, 2001 will be our year, because I am your champion. (SS holds his award up in the air and bounds off the stage.) ****

TV: Every year is a good year for sexaholics.

Seth: He's been mixing his Viagra with his Prozac again....

*****Hollywood's name is announced and he makes his way to the podium to accept his award. The paparazzi are taking pictures of Hollywood as he strolls up the stairs and onto the stage, the crowd is giving him a standing ovation. Hollywood takes a few bows and waits out the crowds reaction, finally the crowd quiets down and Hollywood begins his speech.* *****

TV: (Hollywood) Well let me tell you something brutha...

Tom: (Hollywood) ummm.. what award did I just win? Anyone?

TV: Do you *really* care

Seth: It's the Mystery Award Award...

****HOLLYWOOD: You love me you really, really love me! Hollywood promised himself he wouldn't cry but what the hell. ****

TV: Nobody loves you, jerkweed.

Seth: Trey?

TV: Seth?

Seth: Shoot to kill...

*Shotgun: cocked*
****So many people to thank and so little time, first of I'd like to thank the academy for voting for me, it makes Hollywood feel real good that people appreciate my work. ****

*Sound of a chainsaw being revved*

TV: (Hollywood) In about five years my work will be declassified.

****Second Hollywood would like to thank his wife Buffy who is at home at this time getting ready to give birth to Hollywood's kid, I love you baby! Oh wow, this is really so unexpected. ****

Tom: You know what would be a surprise? If he came home and Buffy drove a stake through his chest. A pleasant surprise, at that.

****I'd like to thank my Legion of Fans because someone's got to buy my merchandise so it might aswell be you guy's. I'd like to thank my agent Jimmy for getting me this gig, lay of the dope Jimmy we all support you. ****

TV: (Disappearing from view for a few seconds) Where are those bomb instructions. I left them around here somewhere.

Seth: You know Hollywood, you can shut the fuck up anytime you like. Do it and live. It's your move, pal.

****Finally Hollywood would like to thank his partner "SuperSexy" Keith Preston, sorry I bailed on you hope you can forgive Hollywood. Wow! What an amazing night, this is truly unexpected. Hollywood is going to stick this award ****

TV: Up his ass?

Seth: He'll have to get in line and take a number.

****right on his mantle, right between his Golden Globe and Academy award. Hollywood was hoping to win biggest asshole this evening but I guess it wasn't meant to be, ****

TV: Well, keep putting awards up there, you'l have the biggest asshole in no time.

Crow: I'd vote for him.

****I guess Hollywood will have to just try harder and be the best damn asshole that he can be. Wow! What an amazing night! Well thank you and goodbye! ****

TV: (HHH) Because I am an asshole. And it's that damn big.

Tom: Say goodnight, asshole.

Seth: (Hollywood) Goodnight, asshole!

****Hollywood raises the award into the air and the crowd errupts in a chorus of cheers. Hollywood takes a few more bows and finally exits the stage.* ****

Crow: And it's now time for the 2001 awards, since Hollywood took eleven months to deliver his speech.

***------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Feud- Ash K & Hero
As Hero polished his first award, he heard his name called again. He smiled and goes up to accept the award and speaks****

TV: Speak Ubu speak. *Woof* Good dog.

Seth: (Hero) I like pie. Hee.

****Hero: "Another award! Wow! Since this award is for Best Feud, I wouldn't have gotten it if it weren't for Ash K. I would like to thank Ash for this award because I wouldn't have gotten it if it wasn't for him to start the feud. And I would like to thank the people who voted for me and Ash also. Thank you all." ****

TV: (Hero): And I'd also liked to thank Ash. Because Ash, I thank you. So thanks, Ash.

Tom: (Hero) I wouldn't have made this speech if it wasn't for my parents, who made me, and if they hadn't made me, i wouldn't be here to make this speech. Thank me.

****(Amber yells for Ash to come to the stage to get his best feud award, Ash makes his way to the stage)****

Seth: (Ash) I'd also like to thank me for this award, as I wouldn't have won it without me.

****Ash K: "Well Fans I thank you for your votes. I believe with my heart that me and my best friend Hero did a great feud together. I believe that two people learn to hate each other before they can learn to love each other. *****

TV: This better not turn into a gay wedding proposal.

Crow: (ash) See you later in the showers for a "celebration", Hero!

****Now if you don’t mind. I would like to go sit back down and finish my chicken before it gets cold. Thank you"
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

TV: It must be hard to find a G-spot on a chicken.

Seth: (Ash) Mmmm. Hero tastes like chicken.

****-Best Roleplayer/interview-

(Ash starts to take a byte out of his chicken,****

TV: Stupid chicken, you can't go on the Internet.

Tom: Why did the chicken cross the road? 001010111001001100.

****but Amber calls off his name again for Best Interviewer. Ash yells "Amber just throw me the award." Amber yells at him "ASH GET YOUR TEN YEAR OLD ASS UP HERE RIGHT NOW!" Ash gets up and runs to the stage)****

Seth: Child labor laws are so lax these days...

Crow: Maybe he's the Pokemon kid?

TV: Don't remind me.

Tom: Speaking of embarrassing times, how about that time that 3-year-old beat you for the world title, Trey.

TV: Huh?

Seth: Yeah, good match. *heh*

Crow: Or that time Seth lost to a title belt?

TV: Bwahahahaha.

Seth: Or that time Crow got hit with a nine-iron...

Crow: When was tha...

*CLANG!*

****Wow two awards!? Well fans I believe that there are more guys that do a much better interview than I. But I will take this award and place it over my bed to look at each night. ****

TV: (Ash)Along with my many asses.

Seth: He's an Ash-hole....

****I will not subject my fans to such a wasteful interview when there are so many things to talk about. Like Major D’s habit of wearing women’s underwear. ****

TV: Seth's mother also likes to wear women's underwear from what I hear.

Seth: HEY, cut that ou... Wait a minute...

****Or the Johnson Boys’ habit of sleeping together. ****

Crow: (Waltons) G'night Rod-boy...

Tom: (Waltons) G'night Dick-boy.

TV: (Waltons) G'night Harry.

****Or even Mr. Sanchez and his perverted ways with 3 year children. Ah yes fans there are to many things to talk about. Thank you everyone. Now I will finish my food"****

Seth: ...After putting everybody else off theirs.

TV: (Ash) Too many things to talk about, must not talk about any of them.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Most injured -
(Chris Burns comes limping to the stage with a nurse)****

TV: We'd like to congratulate you for having weak bones and puny, girly muscles.

Seth: He can still walk? Man, BILL got screwed out of this award.

****Chris- You all know why I am like this. I hope my brother Brad and sister Amber are proud of themselves. Cuz of them I am not able to wrestle anymore. As for this award, its a joke. You can take this award back cuz it sucks.(Chris throws the award on the floor and leaves)****

TV: I'll give that dramatic speech a four.

Tom: Out of 5,000

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Match - .the Johnson Boys vs the burns Boys(this is when Chris fell off the cage and landed threw the steal ramp) ****

TV: (SHILL) THAT RAMP MUST WEIGH 15,000 POUNDS!

Crow: But Chris will still steal it, then throw it for laughs.

****Mitch and Mike are sitting in there seats discussing about there award. They go silent in anticipation waiting to hear who will win the award for best match. A dead silence while awaiting, then they hear there names called they go wild.****

TV: Look at them, flashing their manly titties.

Seth: Dorks Go Wild! This fall on FOX!

****They ask Angelica to come up with them. ****

TV: Show your tits. Show your tits.

Tom: They're standing right there. Oh wait, that's Mike and Mitch. My bad.

****Mitch: Wow this is great our second award...What can I say I'm honored, where should I start I would like to thank our opponents that put there bodies on the line to put on one hell of a match, our lovely friend and partner Angelica, you may not of been with us dieing that match but you still have been an influence on our career. *****

TV: (Mitch) If it wasn't for this girl blowing the president, I'd still be pumping gas at the Begashkee Pump N Squirt.

****And of course the great pres burns. We wouldn't of been here if it wasn't for you, you run an Awesome fed. ***

Seth: (History Channel Presenter) And so, the Great president burns... such was the fate of the leaders of this strange, barbaric tribe.

****Mike: Don't forget all the other people who supported and voted for us thanks for everything. ****

TV: (Mitch) Did you forget this contest was rigged. I mean, er...

Crow: And now, the Award for "Best On-Camera Butt-Sweat" and "Blown Spot of the Year!"

Tom: (RVD) Cool. I win both!

****Mitch and Mike hold there trophy in the Air and return to there seat with a huge smile on there face.
(Chris Burns comes limping to the stage with a nurse, again. Brad is on Stage)****

TV: Over their. Over they're. Over there over there over there.

Seth: Where?

****Brad Burns- come on limpy! Ha ha, well I am proud of myself Brad. Since you have been gone I am done alot of stuff that held me back with you. ****

TV: (Brad) Me speak English gooder now.

Seth: he's done some good stuff, all right. At least a gram of it.

****I will take this award and shine it every day. Cuz its not offtend that you get rewarded for throwing your brother off a 25 foot high CELL! Later Limpy! ****

TV: (Fred Durst) Limpy Bizkit.

Tom: Take it, shine it, turn it sideways... and you know the rest.

****Oh and the Johnson’s only got this award cuz I was in the match!
Chris- I refuse to own anything with his name on it.****

Seth: (Chris) Here, you can have your underwear back, bro.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Rookie of the roster- ****

TV: It's the Rookie Monster.

Crow: Cher-racca the rookie.

****(Ash comes to the stage with a chicken leg in his hand)
Ash K: Man there is some great food here.****

TV: That's the only thigh he'll be getting tonight.

Seth: (Ash) I love asses, but i really love this cock!

***. If Pres Burns were here. I would thank him for the food. Oh yeah my award. WOW three awards! Well Thanks. A Rookie is something that you are when you enter an efed.****

TV: (Ash) But if you don't believe me, I brought Webster's Dictionary and will now read what a rookie means to me.

Tom: Next, Migual Sanchez will give us a report on what he did during his summer vacation.

****But now I think I have go on from that. I would like to say thank you to my mom. She is sitting at my table. HEY MOM STAND UP FOR THE PEOPLE HERE! HEY MOM... HEY WHOOOOO HOOO OH MOM!!? *****

Seth: (ash) My mom's a Hooooo!

TV: (Ash) Well, she *was* sitting at my table, why is she with that Spanish guy. And why is she sitting in his lap?

****Well she is scraed of you people. ****

TV: Fans of crappy wrestling should scare her.

Seth: I'm getting scraed that this show will never end. What month is it now?

***She watches the PPVs and TNFs. She knows how crazy most of you are. But my mom took care of me after my father pasted away after his lungs blew up from a freak accident with a balloon and a air hose. Go figure. Thank you"****

[Trey falls out of his chair laughing hysterically}

Tom: So he couldn't paste his lungs back together? Like Humpty Dumpty?

Seth: Mom never told him about the sheep, the rubber glove and the midget that were also part of the 'freak accident".

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Manager ****

TV: Oh, here's that elusive category that somebody spoiled for us earlier.

Seth: Whoever manages to get the fuck out of this fed is a winner in my book.

****Ang: "Wow! I start managing the Johnson's and I'm already best manager! I'd like to thank the Johnson's for allowing me to manage them to even more success and for being great partners and friends. ****

TV: She can manage my johnson if she is still looking like that.

****would also like to thank everyone who voted for me and everyone in the cwf who has supported my career. Thank you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

TV: And that's the dotted line, because she said so.

Seth: Damn it, crow drank all the beer. NOW how are we going to get through the rest of this shit?

***-Best Tag team
(Mike and mitch walk up to the stage and grab the trophie)
Mitch:Wooooooo, ya we made it.
Mike:Man this is the best feeling, woooo ****

TV: This is such a unique award show. No presenters. No nominees. Just people walking to the stage psychically.

Tom: I have to ask.... how ARE they awarding these things? Mental telepathy?

Seth: Wow. Déjà vu and PSI all at once.

***Mitch:Man i don't even think we deserve this because there is so many good tag teams out there, but hey what do we care we won. ****

TV: Nobody is even close to the iAd. We are the best team. Even if we never sports entertain together again.

Seth: Now there's some refreshing honesty. I like to see that at the Oscars. "I won, fuck you Jack Nicholson!"

****MIke:Well first of all i can't believe we one the "best tag team".Man i would like to thank pres burns for making this all happen.I would like to thank all the members of CWF,my mom and Dad and can't forget God. ****

TV: (Mike) Now, what was I saying...

Seth: (Hollowly) We're watching CFW. There is no god.

***Mitch:I can't say that i disagree with Mike,i would like to also thank all of the members here in cwf who have made us win this award with awesome matches we had. ****

TV: Is anybody enjoying the lack of matches? I know I am.

Crow: I'd enjoy a lack of CFW. It has closed hasn't it? Oh, how I hope it's closed.

Tom: It has. I think...

****Mike and Mitch :yeh we love you baby , wooooooooooooo
(Mike an mitch walk backstage then bach to their seat with their trophies)****

Seth: (Mitch) Where the hell are our seats, man. Hmm.. stage, bar, locker room, street, locker room again... oh, THERE they are!

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
Best woman wrestler:
Ang: "Oh my gosh. I absolutely was wanting to win this award if any. ***

TV: Can't win any male titles, or attractive titles, what else is left for her.

Crow: (Ang) And since I'm on-stage, I guess I DID win it! Yay me1

Tom: So the first person to reach the award wins it, huh? How... unique.

****I can't believe this*takes out tissue* ****

TV: So she is padding her bra.

Seth: *phew* I though for sure Trey would have a masturbation joke or two....

****Oh man. I'm balling like a baby. ****

TV: I'd like to ball her and give her something to cry about.

Crow: Man, she can not give Trey easy shots like that...

Tom: Fish in a barrel, baby.

****Whew! First off, I would just like to thank god for blessing me with my abilities and for blessing me with a family that loves me and that supported me all the way. ****

TV: Why do people only mention God on award shows? I just don't get it.

Seth: Does the "C' in CFW stand for "Christian", or something?

Tom: Yep, and the "F" is for "Fundamentalist", I think.

TV: All the feuds start over who knows more scripture.

Crow: It's Ecclesiastes chapter TWO, Heathen!

****Thanks Mom and Dad! I would also like to thank everyone that voted for me. This really means alot to me. Thank you all!"****

Seth: And we've reached the one-third point of the show. Back after these messages from our sponsor!

TV: No heel speeches. I'm rather bored by that. Screw kayfabe. And boy would I like to.

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
-What guy do you think should win the world title?- ***

TV: OK, they're just padding this crap now. Why not insert some chops and whooos for five paragraphs.

Seth: Well, it doesn't matter who you vote for, you know it's going to be HHH.

****Ash K : 4!!!!!!! Cool, I will get the world title soon! That is the reason I started my campaigning for the gold. ****

TV: Hmm. You can just run for world champ now, huh. The politics really are taking over in sports entertainment.

Crow: He's also standing for Governor in the state of California.

****Hey Hero this one is for you buddy! I believe that with out hero as my friend I would not have a reason to go after the gold. When Mike Powers was my friend, he never help me train. He only told me what a loser I was. ****

Seth: (MP) With friends like me, who needs asses... I mean enemies!

****Well Mike Look at me now pal! 4 awards big man. hey do you need any help with that one. Since you are injured and all. Thank you" ****

TV: Four awards in a dung heap. Go you. Loser.

Tom: Brain Hurts! Show bites! Still better than watching the E Network, though.

TV: You must watch it after midnight. Especially when Brooke Burke is on. Mmmmm. Brooke Burke.

***------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Best Wrestler- ****

TV: Whoo. Logic tells me this should be the LAST category!

Seth: logic? In the CFW? I remain slightly skeptical.

TV: You're right. This fed is as confusing as Christianity.

Tom: Lightning bolt alert! Move away from the metal bots, trey.

****When Hero heard his named called for Best Wrestler as he was drinking his wine, Hero spit his wine out in surprise and quickly grabbed some napkins to clean up. ****

Seth: Our Hero, ladies and gentlemen.

****Then he goes up to accept his award and speaks
Hero: "Wow! I can't believe I won for Best Wrestler! I want to thank every, each and one of you that voted for me because I wouldn't have gotten it without you. Thank you, thank you." *****

Crow: (Hero) I also wouldn't have won without bacon, lettuce and mayonnaise. Mm-mmm! That's a great hero!

****-What wrestler should be in the CWF-Pro Hall of Fame- TIE- Hero & ash K****

TV: A rookie in the hall of fame. OK. Let's explain this concept of a hall of fame...

Tom: Just put them all in the hall of Fame. Then bolt the doors and set fire to it...

***Hero was shown at the buffet table. When his name was said, Hero drops the food on the ground in shock and walks up to accept his award. He smiles and speaks****

TV: That gimmicks not getting old. You're FIRED!

Seth: Hooray! Fire Ash, too...

****Hero: "Well, I can't believe I have won this award since I have only been here for four months. This is the first time I joined e-wrestling and the CWF is the e-fed I started out in. I am glad I chose here because everyone here is great and the Pres is a great man for having an e-fed that's been going on for three years. ****

Tom: And THIS is the high standards it's achieved. I think i;m going to cry.

TV: He's an even greater man for closing it.

****This shows how smart and great he is. I want to thank you all for this award. Thank you." ****

TV: This show measures his intelligence?

Crow; who's he thanking, he's one of only four people in the room by now.

Tom: On the intelligence scale, this won't even rate.

***Ash K: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT 5 AWARDS! THAT IS A NEW RECORED!! Well One day once I retire.****

TV: I'll finish this sentence. Durr...

Seth: if I ever meet this guy, I'll "Slammy' him...

****Look at this, The two top ewrestling in the business today. Hero and myself. With out us, this efed would fall apart. Now we will be entered into the cwf.pro hall of fans. Thank you. ****

Crow: The Hall of Fans? Holding your audience against its' will WOULD explian how they've been on-air so long.

TV: If these two are the top of the business, I think it would commit suicide.

®
CWF-Pro® Since 1998
Copyrighted©
All rights reseverd

[Theatre goes dark.]

Seth: we MADE IT!

****------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------------------------------****

TV: Wait...what's that!

Seth: Th' hell?

Crow: What's going on....?

****Awards #4****

All: (Slow-mo) NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

[And that's when it happened. Something that nobody could explain. Not Seth. Not Trey. Not Tom. Not Crow. And not Comabot. There was a sudden loud cracking and wailing in the theatre and the screen squealed into a garbled mess. And then there was light. And a door sequence. They all returned to where they were before going in the theater. Except, they looked changed. You know, like they had just gone through major trauma.]

Seth: Well, guys, I thought about what you said while I was in there, watching that crap. And I realized, maybe I should thank you both for putting up with me and Trey. After all, you make it somewhat more tolerable to sit through frustratingly bad and boring shows. Or something.

Tom: See? Was that so hard?

Crow: I'd like to thank the brave projector for selflessly giving its' life, so that we may live... or at least, escape.

TV: And I'd like to thank God. I know I took a couple jabs at Christianity in there, but it was all in fun. I love you my lord almighty. And I want to thank my mom for getting drunk enough to let my dad bone her and get her pregnant. And fuck you all. I'm outta here.

[Trey popped off-screen for a couple seconds. Seth started to say something, but…]

TV: Now THAT'S a heel speech (he said off-camera).

Seth: Yep... Trey has no equals.

Tom: Or manners. And to close out, I’d like to thank the viewers. Call now and get a free MST3K tote bag! 1-888-TOMS-GOD! Call now! Operators are standing by!

Seth: OK. You’ve gone too far, Tom.

Crow: I’d like to thank the beer makers. All of you. Send us some and we’ll make sure we talk about how great it is next time!

Seth: OK. We’re out like a fat kid in dodge ball.

[Fade to fake credits, then black.]


©2003 iAd Productions. And the winners of most apathetic ever: Trey Vincent and Seth Harker!

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