EpisodesSuperstarsApathy?Brawlers On A Budget

iAd vs. SNX! (MST3K 2.5)

I AM THE HAMSTER GOD

DISCLAIMER: As always, we wish death on these morons. Oh, I mean, uh, we have nothing to do with Bad Brains or the Sci-Fi Channel and especially these poorly produced wrestling shows we are making fun of. Now it's time for some enema excitiment! -Skeeter & Leary.


[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!

SCENE MISSING.]

Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[Time for the first door sequence of the night. 1...2...3...4...5...6. The boys and bots are on the SoL. Crow T. Robot was on the left, then there was Seth Harker, Trey Vincent and Tom Servo.]

TV: ...

Seth: ...

Tom: ...

Crow: Is that, uh, thing with words here yet?

Seth: The script?

Crow: No.

TV: The script?

Crow: YES! Is that here yet?

Seth: No.

Crow: So, we really don’t have anything to do here to introduce the show? Nothing creative.

TV: Boobs?

Seth: Boobs are entertaining.

TV: OK. Um...(looks around). There are no women here.

Tom: What about your blowup doll, Trey?

TV: (Nervous laugh) What blowup doll?

Tom: You know, the

[Trey covers Tom’s mouth.]

Seth: Blowup dolls won’t bring in viewers. Of course, we’re supposed to drive viewers away.

Tom: If this doesn’t do it. I don’t know what will.

Seth: Well, I’ll try this. Hello everyone and welcome to, uh...

TV: Mystery Sports Entertainment Theater!

Tom: 3000!

TV: Right. 3000. We are the incurable Apathy disorder. Me and Seth, that is. Along with Steve Studnuts, though we haven’t seen him in a while.

Seth: He’ll show up when he’s pissed away all his money, I’m sure.

TV: If he’s sleeping on anybody’s floor, it’s gonna be yours, Seth.

[A light flashes. It’s Ed Tenta-Shaw calling. Seth hits um, thingee.]

ETS: Hello, losers.

All: ...

ETS: You’re supposed to read the line there.

TV: We never got scripts.

ETS: You didn’t?

Seth: Nope. I’m guessing the head writers couldn’t come up with something so they went out to get drunk. But they didn’t realize it’s October and we’re scheduled to make 10 episodes before December.

ETS: Wow. That’s weird. Oh wait! Here are your scripts! They must have sent them to me by accident.

All: D’oh!

Crow: Just had to tell him, didn’t we?

ETS: Well then. I guess we’ll just have to start this MST episode OVER. MUHAHAHAHAHAAHA!

All: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!

SCENE MISSING.]

Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[Time for the first door sequence of the night. 1...2...3...4...5...6. On the SOL, Trey Vincent and Seth Harker are standing beside a big pile of dirt, leaning on shovels. They appear a bit tired and sweaty.]

Seth: Hey everybody, welcome to Mystery Sports Entertainment Theater 3000. I’m Seth Harker, along with Trey Vincent.

TV: Indeed. It looks like you’ve caught us trying to find a way out of this hellhole. The rumor is there is a bar not too far from this soundstage, so we were thinking we could get there and grab some brews before the Sports Entertainment Show From The Black Pits of Hell.

Tom: Hey guys, what’s going on?

[Tom and Crow appear on the counter in front of Trey and Seth.]

Seth: Escape tunnel.

Crow: Um, you guys do realize we’re in *space*, right?

TV: Yeah. Space.

[Trey and Seth laugh at the bots.]

Crow: What?

TV: Don’t you remember the last episode of the Mike Nelson-era?

Tom: Vaguely...

Seth: You came back to Earth. Remember? This is just a studiio replica of the original space ship. BigBOSS refused to pay the millions of dollars it would have cost to launch this studio into space.

Crow: So you’re saying...

TV: We’re on Earth. This is just a set. There’s a packie store right down the road. I’m gonna make a run for it.

Seth: Uh, Trey?

TV: Yo?

Seth: The light is blinking.

TV: Ed Tenta-Shaw’s light?

Seth: The same.

Tom: Wait, I’m still not clear on this whole "we’re not in space" thing. What about those stars out there?

[Trey walks over to the window and punches a hole in the stars picture. A steel light pole becomes visible. We cut to Ed Tenta-Shaw’s lair.]

ETS: Vincent! What are you doing?

TV: Touching the stars and knocking them out!

ETS: Stop that! Insolent fool!

[That "Bodyguard" song by Whitney Houston suddenly began playing. The part where she does the "Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyeeeyiiiiiiiiiyeeeyiiiiiiiii" bit is on a loop! Everyone shouts in horror after about 30 seconds of the torture.]

ETS: No more of that crap. Or I’ll give you the 25 minute remix of that song.

[Seth and Trey begin furiously digging.]

ETS: Alright. Enough fun and torture. Well, fun for you, at least. But here comes the torture. I’m gonna send up this film to you. Tremble in fear, children. For you are about to experience something you cannot escape from, though you’ll wish you had. Saturday Night Xscape. Have fun!

[Flashing lights and shaky cameras.]

Seth: Bah! Wrestling sign!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...the fabulous foursome enters the theatre.]

***The stage explodes in a large display of pyro as Runaway by Linkin Park hits the sound system.***

Tom: Man, the stage committed suicide rather than listen to Nu-metal!

Seth: Hey, no dissin' Linkin Park... those guys rock!

***The camera then switches to view Fatman and Scotty Roach at ringside.***

Crow: What, were all the GOOD nicknames taken?

TV: (Annoying radio DJ) Charlie Scumbucket here with ya!

***Fatman: Welcome to Saturday Night Xscape!
Roach: This show looks to be bluntastic!***

Seth: In other words, you'll need to be stoned to enjoy it...

TV: Why can’t we ever know this stuff before we come into the theater. Like a new rating. Like GS. This show is rated GS for the need to Get Stoned before viewing.

***We got ourselves the first Womens match in over three months with Mystique vs. Summer. I can't wait for it to happen.***

Crow and Tom: We can!

Seth: As long as necessary...

TV: Losers eats the other’s dirty tampon.

[The others moan in disgust.]

TV: That didn’t take long. Heh.

***Fatman: So true. We also got Mercury going against Kid Krazy & Thomo in a three way match.
Roach: If the Outcast wins he will become the referee for the Rogue and Azteck match at the Pay Per View.***

Tom: If he loses, he has to polish the Presidents car with his tongue.

***Fatman: That match will be great but we also have Rogue tonight going against Prophet in a hardcore match.****

TV: Ah, the crap will be of Biblical proportions in this one.

****Roach: Also Rage will take on Psymon in a Submission match and Ice Trey will take Chilitos on in a Rap Off contest.***

Seth: Ice TREY? Break it down for us, Trey! Boo-YEAH!

TV: Break what down? Huh?

***Fatman: That should be great***

Crow: (Fatman) ...But it won't be!

***and for the Main Event, one half of the Tag Team champions will take on Mutant X member Deathrow.
Roach: Well enough of this shizznit, lets get this party started****

Tom: Party? There's a party? Then why are sitting here watching THIS?

TV: Blast some rap, smack some hos and smoke some blunts. The party is about to get started.

****Mecury vs Kid Krazy vs Thomo
Three Threat Match****

Seth: Oh, I love this type of match! They're even better than a Cell in a Hell Match!

Tom: Later on there'll be a Four Fatalities Match and a Ladder, Chair and Table Match.

****Wake Up hits****

Crow: And yet the crowd snoozes on...

****as Mercury makes his way out onto the stage and climbs into the ring, waiting for his opponents.****

Seth: His opponents no-show rather than participate in this bathroom-break of a match.

****Then People=Shit by Slipknot hits****

Crow: Followed by "Saturday Night Xscape=Shit".

TV: Look, a kid is holding up a sign that says "This Fed=Shit."

****as Kid Krazy comes running out down the ramp and stops at the ring, he turns around and waits.****

Tom: (Kid Krazy) C'mon Mercury... come out and fight me, you pussy!

Seth: (Mercury) Dude, I'm right here...are you snorting your steroids again?

****Cactus Jack Theme hits as Thomo comes****

Seth: Saturday Night Xscape: We Love Lawsuits!

****walking out and heads down the ramp. He stops by Kid Krazy****

Tom: (Thomo) Dude!

Crow: (Kid Krazy) Dude!

****and both men jump into the ring.****

TV: (Thomo) Dude, wasn’t this a pool two seconds ago? I look so foolish now!

Seth: (Mercury) Dudes...

Tom and Crow: (Thomo and Kid Krazy) DOOOD!

****The bell rings as Kid Krazy and Thomo come at Mercury with a double clothesline knocking him off his feet.****

Tom: AHHH! A foot decapitation right off the bat!

Seth: (Edge) Man, everyone's stealin' my bit, eh?

****The two men continue to take on Mercury as a team with quick impactive moves.****

Crow: They should see a dentist about that impaction...

****A few minutes into the match****

Tom: And the crowd is already in a boredom-induced stupor.

****Mercury blocks a double Suplex and takes both men down with a DDT.****

Tom: Wow, he got two guys with the same DDT... that's impressive! Can you do that, Seth?

Seth: My record is three men with one bodyslam...

Crow: Yeah, RIGHT!

Seth: No, it's the truth! Of course, I WAS doing a run-in during a Midget Battle Royal, but it's the same thing in principle.

****Mercury tries to cover each men****

Crow: (Mercury) I'm just going to throw a sheet over these guys and pretend I never saw them before.

TV: (Thomo) But I don’t wanna go to sleep, mommy. Daddy was looking at me funny during dinner.

****after the other but both kick out. Mercury then starts to dominate the match towards the end.****

Seth: The END of the match? It's only been going for 14 seconds!

TV: Don’t tell me you’re going to complain about this. The booker’s obviously believe in Crash TV. Vinnie Ru, your influence will NEVER die.

****Mercury clotheslines Kid Krazy outside the ring****

Tom: (Kid Krazy) Dooooooooooood! THUD!

****followed by the Mercury's END to Thomo for the win.****

Crow: (Thomo) Dude, get your end out of my face! I submit! Ewwww!

****Fatman: Mercury did it! He wins the match.****

Seth: That's a match? It was more like a match-let! A Match-ette! A Mini-Match!

TV: (Sort of singing) That’s sports entertainnnnnment.

****Roach: That was supurb,****

Seth: Fine, I stand corrected... It was a superb Micro-Match...

****took Mercury a few minutes but he got control.
Then Kid Krazy slides into the ring as Wake UP****

All: AHHH!

Crow: I'm up! I'm up! Did I miss the school bus, Mommy?

TV: We spent longer looking at him waking up than sports entertaining. Daring booking, yet again, on display by these closed feds. I can’t imagine why they closed for the life of me.

****plays and Mercury poses for the crowd.****

Tom: (Mercury) I just beat two washed-up stoners! I so rock!

****Mercury turns around right into a Sweet Chin Music by Kid Krazy. People=Shit hits as Kid jumps out of the ring and heads up the ramp.****

Seth: (Kid Krazy) I'll be in the broom closet snorting the powdered drain cleaner if anyone needs me.

****Fatman: Did you see that? Kid got some pay back!****

Crow: Which he'll spend on steroids and crystal meth.

****Roach: What is going to happen next?****

TV: I’m gonna scratch my nuts. They’re itchy.

***Look Mercury is on his feet!
Mercury rises to his feet and rubs his sour jaw.****

Tom: (Mercury) Hmm.. my jaws' not ripe enough yet. I could make a Key Jaw Pie out of it, though...

****Kid Krazy has already gone****

Seth: ...Into drug-induced seizures in his locker room.

****behind the curtain. Mercury grabs Thomo and throws him over the top rope to the outside before climbing out.****

Crow: (Thomo) Dude, I could've got out of the ring myself. Oh wait, no I couldn't. I'm too stoned. Thanks, dude.

****He heads up the ramp while Wake UP****

All: AGHHHH!

Crow: For the last time, I'm UP! I'm UP!

****plays.
---Commercial---****

Seth: But since they couldn't find any suckers willing to advertise on this crap show, let's go straight to...

****Single Fall Match****

Tom: Tha's like the Lone Gunman Theory, right?

Seth: Something like that, yeah.

TV: It’s Jesus vs. Satan. The re-match. One man must fall from Heaven.

****Zerospace by Kidney Thieves hits****

Seth: Interesting. I'd like to request "ZeroSaturdayXscape" by the Entertainment Theives, Mr. DJ.

TV: Hey, Seth, remember that time we got drunk and tried to steal Studs’ kidney. He woke up and was like, ‘Jerkweeds, why am I in a bathtub full of ice.’

Seth: Ah yes, your amateur surgery phase. Dr. Trey, was it?

TV: Yep. Dr. Trey indeed.

****as Shannon Mystique comes walking out onto the stage with the Women's Title around her waist.****

Crow: ...Her underwear on her head, a chicken down her pants and an Idaho potato in a place that makes her walk funny.

Seth: I think Coma designed THAT particular ring attire.

Comabot: Poink!

TV: She hasn’t defended that belt in more than three months, yet she isn’t stripped of it. Interesting rules here.

***She unstraps it as she stands on the stage and holds it above her head. Then makes her way down the ramp and climbs into the ring.****

Tom: Will. To live. Fading.

****She poses to the crowd waiting for Summer.****

TV: But Autumn comes out, surprising Shannon.

Seth: Oh great, the match isn't going to start for THREE MONTHS! Unless it's the Southern Hemisphere. Then we're royally screwed...

TV: Dude, where the hell are Parts Unknown? It’s October. In America, we call that Fall.

Seth: You Yankees are so backwards.

****One Sided Society by Devotchkas hits as Summer comes out onto the stage and quickly runs down the ramp and slides into the ring.****

Tom: Hey, slow down, you've got tons of time...

Crow: WHOOSH! Carl Lewis makes his in-ring debut! In drag, no less.

****Both girls lock up in the middle of the ring. Mystique is the first to get the adventage by tripping Summer to the mat.****

Tom: "Adventage"? Is their Narrator from South Africa?

****Mystique cockingly smacks Summer in the back of the head****

Crow: She slapped her with her cock?

Seth: Oh, God... Mystiques a transvestite! With a highly impressive reach advantage in the old trouser-snake department!

TV: I’ve cock smacked quite a few women in the back of the head.

****before steping away. Summer gets up and nails Mystique in the gut followed by Springboard Bulldog for a near fall. Summer tries for control at the begining****

Crow: We've already HAD the beginning! This is the middle! Is Quentin Tarrentino editing this?

TV: Tomorrow’s past is yesterday’s now.

****but Mystique quickly takes the lead with a Dropkick.****

Tom: (Racing Commentator) And it's Dropkick taking the early lead, two lengths back to German Suplex, Inziguri riding the rails and Reverse Springboard Diving DDT is coming up fast on the inside!

****The two women wrestle back and forth in the ring each one getting a near fall.****

Seth: (Summer) Tee-hee! I nearly fell!

Crow: (Mystique) Me too! We're so clumsy! *giggle*

***Mystique whips Summer into the ropes front first then runs in behind he with a clothesline from behind.****

Tom: Hey, Summers a "he", too! It's turned into a "Bad-Ass Transvestites With Attitude" Match!

Seth: *sigh*... The Google search results should be interesting for THIS show...

****Summer drops to her knees as Mystique locks in a standing version of the Kiss of Myst****

Crow: (Summer) You want me to kiss your Myst? Is that lesbian come-on?

TV: I heard she changed the name of the Kiss of Myst from the controversial Lick of Carpet.

****then hangs over the ropes, putting pressure on Summer.****

Crow: Peer pressure?

Seth: (Mystique) Go on, smoke the cigarette! You'll be cool!

TV: (Summer) No. Stop it you big meanie.

****The ref makes her break the hold and Mystique gets Summer down with a back slide for a near fall. Summer goes behind Mystique and taking her down with the Summerplex (Spinning German Suplex) for a two count.****

Seth: (Sings) You spin me right round, baby, right round! Like a German, baby, right, right, round, round! Ja!

****Summer comes in with a clothesline that Mystique ducks down and goes behind.****

Tom: Behind what? Behind the ref? Behind the Music? Behind the Planet of The Apes?

Seth: Uh, it was "BeNEATH the..."

Tom: I KNOW!

Seth: Just checking...

****She whips Summer****

TV: Woohoo!

****across the ring***

TV: Awww.

****and on her way back throws her up into a Flapjack nailing Summer with the Fallen Zero.****

Tom: (Mystique) OW! A Zero fell on me!

Crow: (Kid Krazy) Uhhh.. sorry, babe. I was trying to score from the junkies in the rafters.

****Mystique goes to pick Summer up by the hair but Summer quickly grabs her hooking her into a Small Package for the three count.
Fatman: What an upset!****

Seth: (Roach) Yeah, the girl with no talent beat the girl with no talent!

TV: Girls with no talent in sports entertainment is redundant.

****Roach: Shannon let her guard down for one sec and that was it!****

Tom: Actually, the official time of the match was 27 seconds, but who's counting.

Seth: Saturday Night Xscape: Don't Blink, You'll Miss the Wrestling!

****Summer quickly jumps out of the ring and heads up the ramp leaving a very angered Shannon Mystique inside the ring.****

Crow: (Bimbo-Voiced Mystique) You're mean!

****Psymon vs Dark Rage
Submission Match****

Seth: Well, if he's "Psymon", this should be a "Psubmission" Match.

Crow: Psymon Psays this match will Psuck!

****On your way down by Stabbing Westward hits the sound system****

Tom: Cool, there's psome Pstabbing Westward on the psound psystem!

TV: Cut the pshit, Tom. And don’t diss Stabbing Westward…those guys rock!

****as Dark Rage steps out from the darkness.****

TV: He used to be called Black Rage, but people found that gimmick too offensive. The NAACP got involved. It wasn’t pretty.

****He heads down the ramp and climbs into the ring. He unstraps his Heavyweight Title and hands it to the ref, before removing his trench coat.****

Seth: (Dark Rage) Oh crap, forgot to put my pants on this morning. Better give me my coat back, ref...

****Cancer by Filter hits****

Crow: You see, I KNEW filter-tips can't prevent cancer! I'm going to sue the Marlboro Man!

Seth: Number One: You don't smoke. Number two: He's dead.

Crow: Crap. Can I sue the Tellytubbies for scarring me mentally, then?

Tom: Knock yourself out...

****as the psychotic Pysmon****

TV: I reggae dude once told me at a bar, "I need to pys, mon." Then he went to take a leak. That was the only think I understood him say that night.

****comes running out from the back and quickly sliding into the ring as the bell rings.****

Tom: (Psymon) Psymon psays Psuck It!

Seth: Oh, pstop it!

****Psymon quickly leaps up at Dark Rage who takes him down with a Big Boot.****

Seth: Wow, he hit him with one of Andre the Giants sneakers! That's gotta be close to a DQ!

****Dark Rage dominates Psymon with left and right punches****

Crow: Hey, Undertaker Offense!

****until Psymon Monkey Flips Dark Rage out of the ring.****

Tom: *Howler monkey noises*

Seth: Saturday Night Xscape: More Fun Than a Barrel Full of Monkeys... Gnawing Your Testicles Off.

****Psymon overtakes Dark Rage****

TV: With his Undertaker offense.

Tom: (Racing commentator) Psymon sneaks by Dark Rage as they enter the straight, but it's still Dropkick surging toward the line, with Shining Wizard nipping at his heels!

****with a chaotic variety of kicks and punches before hooking in a Sharpshooter.****

Seth: KickpucnchkickpuchUnexpectedTechnicalMove! This IS Undertaker Offense!

****Dark Rage fights the pain and has the ropes. Psymon breaks the hold and begins to go nuts****

Crow: (Psymon) I am the Hamster God of Illinois! Fear the wrath of my electric hippo! Poink.

Comabot: Poink!

****until Dark Rage nails a Spinning Clothesline on him.****

Seth: Ow! What is this, Ken Russels' version of the Crucifixion?

****Dark Rage takes control of the second half of the match****

Tom: Aww, we missed the Halftime Show!

Crow: On the bright side, at least it's halfway over.

****beating down Psymon. At the end Dark Rage kicks Psymon in the gut and goes for the Last Breath, but Psymon shoves him off and quickly goes around to the front locking in the Man Down!!!****

Seth: (Dark Rage) Man DOWN.. (Letterman) ...in My Pants!

Tom: (Paul Shaffer) Ah-ha-ha!

****Psymon screams at Dark Rage who slowly drops down to one knee , then two.****

Tom: Then three. He probably should have corrective surgery on that.

****Dark Rage is barely conscious****

Seth: Now he know how the audience feels...

****as Psymon holds onto the Tonga****

Crow: Eww, gross, he's holding Dark Rages' Tonga!

****Death Grip. Dark Rage is out cold as the ref begins to raise the arm.****

Tom: (Ref) Hey, that's a nice watch. Is that one of those ten-dollar Rolexes they sell in Times Square?

****Falls one,****

Crow: (Dark Rage) I've fallen and I can't get up!

****then twice,****

Crow: (Dark Rage) I've STILL fallen and I can't get up!

****on the third on Dark Rage arms holds up and Rage gets ot his feet.****

Crow: (Dark Rage) I've fallen and I snurgle forceps watermelon pinkyring!

****Psymon shakes his head no as Dark Rage nails him in the gut and hits a Stunner. Pysmon springs back against the ropes before falling head first to the mat.****

Tom: Then gets up again, falls out of the ring, climbs into the lighting gantry and falls head-first into a tank full of Tiger Sharks.

Seth: Overselling is an artform when done properly...

****Dark Rage stands above him and starts to let out his Fit of Rage!****

Seth: (Dark Rage) Grr. I'm really, really angry now.

****Psymon lays motionless as Dark Rage stops and locks in the Camel Clutch.****

Tom: Oh great, first Psymon grabs Dark Rages' Tonga, and now Dark Rages is clutching Psymons Camel! Your sport is really gay, Seth!

Seth: Neeh... depends who's booking, really.

****Psymon is out cold as the ref checks him. Just then out from the crowd comes a unknown wrestling.****

Seth: Okay, let's fill in the blank... an unknown wrestling....

Crow: Panda!

Tom: Survey says...

****Fatman: What the?
Roach: Who is that?****

Tom: (Fatman) Where am I?

Seth: (Roach) What's my name?

Crow: (Fatman) Why are we here?

****He nails Dark Rage in the back of the head with a stiff kick. Dark Rage drops the hold and falls forward.****

Seth: (Psymon) Dude, you 'butted my 'nads!

****The ref calls for the bell.****

Tom: (Ref) Can we have a bell here? My kingdom for a bell!

****Fatman: That's Blade!
Roach: Blade? The Swordsman?****

Seth: (Fatman) No, he's fallen on hard times. He's Blade the Small Fruit Knifeman now...

****Fatman: Yes! I was suppost to be retired!****

Crow: (Fatman) Or possibly HE was. Or both of us. Whoa, this is some good shit we're smoking today!

****Dark Rage rises to his feet and turns around thinking it was one of the Assylum guys.****

Crow: Okay, so their stable is called the ASSylum, and yet your sport ISN'T gay, Seth?

Seth: Hey, I didn't write this show, Crow...

****But he stops as his eyes meet the Gas Mask. A look of confusion crosses his face****

Tom: One that's mirrored on every face in the crowd.

TV: (Dark Rage) Is Osama bin Laden in town?

****as both men go for a Toe Kick. They both hit each other staggering back holding their gut.****

Crow: (Blade) OW! I broke my toe!

Tom: (Dark Rage) Me too!

****Fatman: They both went for their finishers!
Roach: What does this mean?****

Seth: That the show's an overbooked piece of baboon shit?

TV: That both men have really lame finishers?

****Fatman: It meams Blade is back!!!****

TV: Great. Another sequel.

****Dark Rage comes in with a Clothesline but Blade ducks down and hits a Angle Slam on Dark Rage.
Blade: *Beep* You!****

Seth: Blades' dialogue supplied by the Roadrunner...

****Dark Rage is laid out on the mat as Blade kicks Psymon awake.Psymon comes to and catches view of Blade.****

Crow: (Psymon) Whoa, it's Wesley Snipes! Can I have an autograph?

****With a look of fear on his face quickly crawls back to the corner holding his hand in front of his face. The the crowd goes wild when Deven comes running out from the back.****

Tom: (Deven) Wesley Snipes? Where? Where?

****He slides into the ring just as Blade jumps out. Blade walks up the ramp watching him as Pysmon rises to his feet. Psymon leaps at Deven jumping onto his back but Deven quickly tosses him over onto his back. Psymon gets to his feet and goes for the ropes but Deven grabs him by the arms and hits the Crawling on him. Psymon rolls out of the ring as Deven helps Dark Rage to his feet. They then jump out of the ring and take off chasing Psymon to the back.****

Seth: (Roach) And we'll be right back once we find a single person who GAVE a crap!

---Commercial---

Tom: (Infomercial Announcer) Saturday Night Xscape: The Best Of! Now available on DVD! Call 1-800-WESUCKASS to order!

****Ice, Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice hits as Ice Trey comes walking out with a series of boos.****

Seth: Aahh, those boos lost their edge after the sixth series. Just like the Simpsons.

TV: D’oh! Well, here we see Ice Trey trying to follow in the footsteps of rappers Ice Cube, Ice-T, Ice Pick, Ice Coffee and Icicle, but sadly, he is white.

Seth: Icicle?

****He struts down to the ring and climbs in, grabbing a mic. The music vanishes as he brings the mic to his lips.****

Tom: The crowd also vanishes, never to return.

TV: And a chill came over the room.

****Ice Trey: Yo, Yo, Yo Let me tell you what is happening.****

Setj: (Ice Trey) I'm sucking all the entertainment out of the room! Yo!

****Me Ice Trey the best rapper ever am taking on the no good latino Chilitos.****

TV: (Eazy-E) And some Mexicans almost wrecked my shit.

****I'm going to bitch smack him with my vocal talent and send him crying home with a little violance!****

Crow: What the hells a "violance"?

Seth: A medieval stringed instrument, I think. Like a violin, but pointier.

TV: (Cena) This dude can’t see me. (Normal) Or how badly he sucks, sadly.

****Now Roach get your pot smoking ass up here and get ready to judge, you screw me over and I will smoke you out, Yo!****

Tom: Man, Roach could do him for sexual harrasment after THAT little spiel...

TV: Wigga, please.

****Roach drops the headset and climbs into the ring. He looks at Ice Trey with a glare as they wait for Chilitos.****

TV: Hormel Chili and Fritos have combined to make a brand new snack. It’s Chilitos! Welcome to corporate America.

****Then Bump by Kottonmouth Kings hits and in a cloud of smoke shoots up Chilitos from the stage.****

Seth: (Chilitos) WHOOOOA, is that some good shit, or what!

****He lands on the ramp and runs down the ring and slides in.***

TV: But Ice Trey put a Slip N Slide on the mat and he goes flying all the way out to the floor! Devious fool.

****He climbs up onto the turnbuckle and touches his index and middle finger to his lips, then heart before pointing out into the crowd..****

Crow: That's American Sign Language for "Help me, I'm stuck in a crappy fed and can't get out!"

TV: Word life.

****He jumps down and takes his spot next to Roach.****

Seth: He took his pot next to roach? Oh, sorry... I must be reading ahead in the script.

****Roach: Ok lets get this started. The way it is going to go. Chilitos will start off first with his rap, the Ice Trey will take his turn. It will go back and forth until****

Tom: ...The audience rises like a bad Indian takeaway and lynches everyone involved.

****one man can not come back with a rap. Ice Trey you got to go first.****

Seth: (To camera) But of course, in this fed that means the first to rap is actually...

****CHILITOS****

Seth: Anyone surprised? Didn't think so...

****Chizzlesworth hit bingo!
He's gonna embarrass a wanksta gringo!****

Crow: Hey, no fair! Rap in English, man!

TV: You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub…

****This white boy acts like he's a true hard ass
When to tell you the truth I've never kicked someones ass so fast!
Mikey Mike, you just really aren't dat funky!
And your nowhere close to hunky****

Everyone: EWWWWW!

Seth: Saturday Night Xscape: Glad to be Gay!

****Right when white rap was recovering from the first Ice age
Your ass comes out and pull the book back to that page
Just like 3rd Bass, I'm gonna make an Ice's head go pop go the weasel
Cuz Chilitos' ring skills are ran on not unleaded but premium diesel!****

Seth: Y'konw, sometimes rap is really high-class.
Too bad Chilitos rhymes suck mongoose ass...

TV: So, what Chilito is saying is that his raps no-sell and have about two moves? And those would be sucking and sucking a suckload of suck.

****So, Everlast, come Resurrection, Chilitos will put you the a house of pain
I just hope your punk ass is gonna be game!****

Crow: Yeah, Chilto.. word to your mother-in-law!

TV: I really wish some hoods from Compton would drive by with AK47s and do the world a favor.

****ICE TREY
Ice Trey's turn to go towards the next episode
First part is to teach Mr. Bigglesworth a lesson in the thug code****

Tom: That would have made more sense if he rapped in MORSE Code...

****I'll start out by sayin' that Chilitos ain't a thing but a chicken wing
He got lucky last time we met in the ring****

TV: Wow, on the first date? Slut.

****But this time I get to prove which one of us is truly badda
The difference between our matches is this time we got a ladda****

Seth: He's kinda streching, huh? Next he'll rhyme "Gut wrench suplex" with "I'll make you flex"...

****And at Resurrection you ain't nothing but a bean in Trey's burrito
The only way you'll be able to win is if you cheat yo!
And looks you got a problem with people bein' white
Well, this gringo is ready to put a fight****

Crow: Come back Rob Van Winkle, all is forgiven!

****I do admit that I'm not that nice
But at any second, I could break the ice!****

Tom: Or break wind, which would be slightly more entertaining than this rap-off.

TV: I think the entire world wants to break the Ice’s head wide open
Until his body lays dead and broken.

****CHILITOS
Chilitos is leadin off round 2
And you can see in Ice's eyes that is afraid of what I'm about to do****

Seth: (Chilitos) See, rappin's my strength.
Even though I sometimes can't find a rhyme that's of the correct length
Yo.

****I'm gonna start by talkin about his supposed hip hop hunny
When, in fact, he pays her tons of money!
On top of that, she's comin' straight out of Rocky's doggy bag!
And yes I do mean DOGGY you butt ridin' fag!****

Tom: Well. it aint called the ASSylum for nothing, I guess!

****Trey gets a look of anger on his face out out of nowhere comes the Breaking the Ice superkick.Chilitos falls to the mat holding his jaw as Ice Trey throws the mic down and stomps out of the ring.****

Crow: And the entire feds' fanbase thanks him for killing that hotrrible segment!

Seth: Fanbase? What, BOTH of them?

****Fatman: Ice Trey just took out Chilitos.***

TV: Oh, great, he’s gonna score with him again.

****Why did he? Can he not cut the rap and win?****

TV: Cut the crap? Yes. Yes you all should.

****Hardcore Match****

Crow: (Fatman) Is anybody listening to me? Helllloooo?

****Black and White by Static X hits as the arena goes black.****

Tom: ...And white.

****Then white****

Tom: ...And black.

****strobe lights flash around the arena as Prophet comes into view on the stage.****

Seth: Oh please, I doubt this place shows ANY profits...

****He slowly walks down the ramp and climbs into the ring. Moments later the lights come back on and Downfall by TRUSTcompany explodes through the sound system. Out of the top balcony comes Rogue down through the crowd and into the ring.****

Tom: (ICW Fan) And STAY out, ya bum!

****He throws his arms out into a cross on the turnbuckle before jumping down.****

TV: (Rogue) Hey, ref, can you give me my arms back?

Crow: (Ref) Sure, you look armless enough.

***Rogue and Prophet lock up in the middle of the ring and then Prophet shoves him off into the corner.*****

Seth: (Jim Ross) SHOVE! SHOVE! SHOVE! Whattamanuever!

****Prophet comes in with a hard knee to the gut. He places Rogue onto the top rope and sets up for a Superplex but Rogue shoves him off.****

Seth: (JR) What PHYSICAL INTENSITY! For the Love of God, somebody stop this!

TV: It’s the Talentless Object against the Talentless Force.

****Prophet hits the match****

TV: Why did he hit the match? It didn’t do anything to him.

***and off comes Rogue with a flying Headbutt.****

Seth: (JR) Oh My GOD! The match has started to suck balls! It's a Suckerknocker!

Tom: I'd throw in a riff here, but it's too much fun watching Seth!

****He connects but both men are out. Rogue stirs first and brings in a steel chair. Prophet gets up and grabs the chair nailing Rogue.****

Crow: Good, nail him to something solid so he can't keep stinking up arenas like this...

****They battle back and forth in the ring until Rogue clotheslines both men over the top to the outside.****

Seth: (JR) My GOD! He clotheslined HIMSELF out of the ring! This man is a HOSS! Well, a Hoss'es ass, anyway!

****They battle up the ramp and onto the stage. Their Prophet hit a Sitout Powerbomb that Rogue barely got out of.****

TV: Looks like he was sitoutta luck there.

***Rogue starts to gain adventage hitting a German Rogueplex for the two count. The two men fight their way through the ring curtain to the backstage area where Prophet throws Rogue through a doorway.****

Tom: That really would have hurt if the door had been, like, CLOSED!

TV: (Prophet) How’s it feel to be thrown into air, bitch!

****They head into the locker room where Rogue whips Prophet into a locker bending the metal from the impact. Prophet stumbles out and Rogue hits a Drop Toehold into the bench breaking it into half.***

TV: It’s a good thing nobody sat on that pre-cut bench before they got back there, or boy, would there faces have been red.

***Rogue tries for a cover but Prophet throws him off.****

Seth: (JR) NO-SELL! NO-SELL! NO-SELL! He's a Phenom! Through Hellfire and Crappy Matches, here comes Prophet!

****Rogue comes back at Prophet spearing him to the ground. Rogue lays into him with hard punches then Prophet shoves him off. Rogue comes running back but Prophet throws Rogue into the entrance to the showers. A women screams as Rogue rolls into the showers.****

Seth: (Dusty Rhodes) There's a LAH-DY! There's a Lady in the ladies bathrooms! Gimmie a cheeseburger, extra greasy!

****He looks up seeing Mystique in the shower as she covers herself with a towel.****

TV: Damn this softcore teasing!

****Prophet comes in tackling Rogue into the wall. Rogue staggers back and Prophet nails him with the Prophecy Be Told for the three count.
Roach: Damn, Rogue took that hard. He ain't moving!****

Tom: (Fatman) Hopefully he's dead... that'll save us 12 bucks a month in wages!

****Fatman: Maybe Shannon will give him mouth to mouth?
Prophet rises to his feet leaving the showers were Rogue is laid out on him chest.****

Seth: Man, who wrote this? Detritus the Troll?

Crow: (Detritus) Duh. Me write der good wrestle thingee...

****The ref comes and rolls Rogue over, wiping away the blood from his face. Rogue is out cold as the ref calls for the medics****

Tom: (Soldier in the 'Nam) MEDIC! We got a moron down! Medic!

****Mystique holds the towel around her and leans down next to Rogue to check on him.****

TV: She’s probably looking to steal his wallet to buy herself a one-way ticket to Anywherebuthere.

****---Commercial---****

Seth: (Infomercial announcer) Watch WWE! Because even WE look good compared to this shit!

****MAIN EVENT****

Crow: Wow, we had to bust out the BIG asterixes for THAT caption...

****Single Fall Match
No Escape by The Varukers explodes through the sound system as Wray comes walking out wearing one half of the Tag Team Championship around his waist.****

Tom: Cheap-ass fed can only afford half a belt, huh?

****He walks down the ramp and rolls into the ring. He undoes the belt as Intro by Dir Em Gray hits the sound system and out runs Deathrow. He slides into the ring as the bell is rung.****

Seth: I'd like to ring something... the scriptwriters neck, mainly.

****The bell rings as the 2 men circle each other.****

TV: Look at them go with those magic markers. John Madden, eat your heart out. I’ve never seen telestration like this before.

****They lock up. Wray gets Deathrow in a headlock. Deathrow tosses Wray into the ropes. Wray comes back with a clothesline knocking Deathrow down. Deathrow climbs to his feet quickly and is met with a blow to the face from Wray.****

Tom: (Deathrow) Dude, either stop blowing in my face or have a breath mint, PLEASE!

****Another one, and then another one,****

Seth: (Sings) ...Then another one bites the dust! SING IT!

****and then finally Deathrow blocks him, and punches back. They continue blocking and punching back and forth until****

Crow: ...The end of recorded time. Match of the Year! Snore.

****Wray knees DeathRow in the gut. He then gives him an irish whip into the corner.****

TV: Dumb move there, giving his opponent a foreign weapon.

[Insert whip sound effect.]

****Wray then gets a running start and charges with his shoulder at Deathrow.****

Tom: (Wray) C'mon shoulder, let's go get him boy!

Seth: Right, Raggy!

****Deathrow quickly moves and Wray slides through the turnbuckle and his shoulder bounces off the ring post.***

TV: And with that, Wray loses possession of his shoulder. Deathrow to throw his shoulder back onto the court.

****DeathRow takes advantage of Wray's injury by twisting his arm and punching the injured shoulder.****

TV: And telling his arm that it’s gay.

****The ref tells Deathrow to let go, and counts to three.****

Seth: (Ref) One! Two! Three!

Tom: (Deathrow) And what the hell was that supposed to achieve?

Seth: (Ref) Oh I don't know... just pin him and let's go get pissed!

****Death row lets go. Wray drops to his knees in pain. Deathrow picks him up and executes a suplex on Wray****

Crow: Tragically for the suplex, the governors phone call was put on hold.

****and goes for the pin. 1...2...kickout. Deathrow picks Wray up and tosses him into the ropes. Wray abounces back****

Tom: (Wray) A'one.. a'two...ABOUNCE!

****and is met with an elbow to the shoulder. Wray falls down holding his shoulder. DeathRow bends down to pick up Wray, but with a burst of energy Wray takes advantage and locks in the Devillock.****

Crow: (Infomercial Announcer) Yes, new from the Bowels of Hell... the Devillock Leftover Retainment System! How much would YOU expect to pay for this?

Seth: Six sixty-six!

Crow: Correct! Tax not included!

****Wray then moves away from the ropes so Deathrow has no choice but to tap. Screaming in pain, Deathrow tries to fight it...finally...he taps out.****

TV: Man, Suge Knight is gonna be pissed about this. You better wear a vest, DeathRow.

****Wray holds on to the move for a few seconds after the bell, and then stands up. His hand is raised in victory.
Fatman: Wray made Deathrow tap!
Roach: Wray finally gets his finisher to make a man tap!****

Seth: Good! Wray no longer feels like a loser! Then he looks around and takes stock of his life... and realizes he IS a loser!

****Fatman: Deathrow is standing up.
Roach: oh no he is going to attack!****

Tom: When Losers Attack! This fall on FOX!

****Deathrow and Wray stare menacingly at each other when the lights suddenly flicker off. An old english coat of arms appears on the Schitzotron****

Seth: Yep, this fed IS a load of Schitz all right...

****and a familiar fight song blares proudly on the PA, but is abruptly cut as the****

TV: Morons backstage realize that other, better guy found out what shithole he was about to sign with, ripped up his contract and jumped out a window.

****PA then plays Puya's "Oasis" to loud boos from the fans. The lights go up and Kyle Brady appears at the entrance stage, an angry look on his face and a steel chair in his grip.****

Crow: And a small cactus in his butt-crack, which explains the angry look.

TV: Didn’t Kyle Brady used to play for the New York Football Jets? Man, how far his career has fallen.

Crow: Oh come on, Trey, that’s like a fall off the sidewalk. I’d probably rather work for this place than the Jets.

TV: Really?

Crow: Actually, I’d rather hear my head shoved in an electrified tank full of water with metal-eating piranhas than work for either place.

****Wray furiously stares at Kyle as he hauls himself down the ramp and slides into the ring and poses an offensive stance at Wray.****

Tom: (NBA Announcer) Kyles on offense with just ten seconds to go! he can't possibly blow the game from here! Unless he's a loser like the rest of these schmoes...

****Deathrow smiles and goes to shake hands with Kyle, but Kyle hesitates.****

TV: (Kyle) When’s the last time you washed your hands, big guy?

****Deathrow insists on the handshake and Kyle smiles before leveling Deathrow with the chair, to which the crowd loudly cheers for. Kyle then throws the chair down and rips off his letterman's jacket, revealing to the world the SoCal Soldiers t-shirt underneath. Wray and Kyle smile at each other before shaking hands and hugging.****

Seth: Later on they'd form the tag-team of the "Butt-Banging Brothers".

****Fatman: My god! The brothers have reconziled!****

TV: The Brothers Of Ratings Destruction are back together. Whoo-frickin-hooo.

Roach: That's it for Xscape join us net week on the same blunt channel, the same blunt time. Now lit it up!****

Crow: Saturday Night Xscape was brought to you by Hash! Creating morons like Fatman and Roach since the 1920's!

[The boys get up and head for the door sequence. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 and they’re back on the Satellite of Love. There, colored lights were swirling about and flashing lights. Crow steps forward.]

Crow: Ladies and gentlemen, straight off the motherfathering streets of Minneapolis and Parts Unknown. Raise the roof up for Dr. Trey and Seth Dogg.

Dr. Trey: Yeah. What’s up (bleeeeeeeeeep).

Seth Dogg: (Bleeeeeeeeeep)

[Dr. Trey and Seth continue rapping and doing the "gangsta" hand movements and bouncing, but the lazy, incompetent censors block the rest of their rapping. Credits roll. The bleeping doesn’t stop until we FTB.]


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