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iAd vs. UCW & EWW! (MST3K 2.6)

Gay porn for Sports Entertainment fans...the untouched niche...Untapped! I meant untapped!

DISCLAIMER: We have bad brains. That's as close as we come to being affiliated with Bad Brains. We are thankfully not affiliated with any federations herein and we use their material with implied oral consent, because they're not making any money of it, and neither are we. (Heh, I wrote oral...) And now...wwe divas nude, naked and without clothes! -Skeeter & Leary.

[We open with Ed Tenta-Shaw in his evil lair deep in the heart of cyberspace.]

Ed Tenta Shaw: Tonight, on the Satellite of Love. It’s Extreme Sports Entertainment Elimination Challenge. Yes, I’ve noticed that those lovable losers I’ve shot into the studio get along just a bit too well with each other. So tonight, I’m going to splinter that group. It’s my own little slice of reality television. We’re gonna get some big ratings. Who will be the last man, or bot, standing on the Satellite of Love tonight? Stay tuned for the thrilling SEASON FINALE!

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!


Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[Time for the first door sequence of the night. 1...2...3...4...5...6. The boys and bots are on the SoL. From left to right were Crow T. Robot, Seth Harker, Trey Vincent and Tom Servo.]

Seth: Ed thinks he can splinter us?

TV: Without putting money or women into the equation no less?

Seth: He’s got to be dreaming.

TV: Team Human is going to totally wipe the floor with the bots.

Crow: Oh, cram it, Trey!

Tom: So how is this supposed to work anyway, guys?

Crow: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Tom: Crow! We’re on the same team!

Crow: Oh, right.

Seth: From what I’ve read, we go in, watch a show, come back and then in secret vote off one of the members of the group. Then the remaining three members go in, followed by the final vote. It’s like an entire season of reality television without all the filler.

TV: Or hot chicks.

Crow: Well, you can prepare to pucker up and kiss our metal behinds.

Tom: Team Bot will rule the Satellite.

TV: We’ll just unplug you two if you win and reprogram you.

Tom: Well...I think I know who *I’m* voting off.

TV: Nah, let’s screw over Crow. Tom, I’ll give you a fifth of oil if you vote him off.

Tom: Huzzah!

Crow: Hey! What did I ever do to you?

Seth: So, Trey is the asshole. I’m the cool guy everybody wants to win. Tom is the well-read chick magnet. And Crow is the wisecracker.

TV: Screw you, Seth. I’m gonna go piss in the shower.

Seth: Oh no you won’t. And we’re on the same team! And we’re the only two people who take showers in this room.

TV: What do you want from me? I’m an asshole!

[Lights flash and camera goes all bouncy.]

Seth: We’ve got sports entertainment sign!


[Time for the door sequence. 6...5...4...3...2...1...a dark theatre. The foursome files inside.]

****Uncany Carnage Wrestling****

Tom: No cans were harmed in the making of this program.

TV: Oh, good god. A misspelled fed name. This should be a beauty.

Crow: Of ug-tastic proportions!

****The Championship Tournament Pt. 1

Before i start this roleplay you will see The Jac several times. It is pronounced The Jac(Jake). Just wanted to make that clear.****

Seth: Clear as mud. It's spelt "Jac", but we'll pronounce it 'Jerk". It'll save time.

TV: It's very clear this is going to blow. Blow is pronounced as "suck loads" for the viewers at home. Just to make THAT clear.

Tom: It's like 'Where's Waldo"... Let's see if we can spot The Jac, kids!

****At Jacobs training facility inm Glasgow, Jacobs is training with Marley getting ready for the Championship Tournament.****

TV: Inm? Is that a Scottish dialect?

Seth: Glen Jacobs and the Zombie Bob Marley. There's no depths Vince won't plumb.

Tom: Yeah, mon.

****Marley: Come on Jac, 432....433...434....435. You did it. 435 Pushups. That is amazing.****

Crow: (Marely) Now let's head for the sauna and oil each others pecs!

TV: That's a lot of bras to be wearing...they're crossdressing early here...

****Jacobs: The Jac's arms feel like they are going to fall off.****

TV: Hey, Edge already has the fallen off limbs gimmick copyrighted, pal.

Seth: Throw Jacs arms in the air! And wave them around like you just don't care!

Tom: We don't care , Seth. About anyone or anything in this company.

****Marley: Just think in just a few days when you are the World Champion it will all be worth it.****

TV: (Jac) Really? Are you gonna shoot me full of steroids and get me a personality transplant before then?

Crow: The World Loser Championships are here already? The Jacs got to be the Vegas favorite.

****Jacobs: The Jac knows. The Jac knows this is a new fed so people don't know The Jac here.****

Seth: If ya SMELLLLL... what the Jac... is stealing!

TV: Trey Vincent knows the Jac is nothing but a 'jac' off.

****Marley: I don't know. You are world famous in some organizations up north.****

Tom: They love him in Chicken, Alaska. But then again, what else IS there to do in Alaska?

TV: Wait a second...is this what The Rock is REALLY doing? He's not even making movies is he? He's pretending to be a shadow of himself in a pathetic federation.

Crow: Why do that here? He was doing a fine job of doing just that in the WWE.

TV: True.

[Seth holds up a sign reading 'Satire!"]

***Jaocbs :The Jac has whipped so much tail that everyone probably knows The Jac.***

Seth: Great, he's probably going to have a "Bondage and Discipline" match.

Tom: Bring out the Gimp!

TV: Oh, he's into that whole S&M scene. Whips. Chains. Sexual slavery. Dungeons. That's great. For our Web hits!

Crow: Like, "big Busted Brawlers", huh Trey?

****Marley: You bet.****

Crow: I wasn't talking to you, freak.

****Jaocbs: That is cool. It will bring some respectability to this fed. The Jac as it's champ just makes it all the better.****

Seth: (The Jac) We'll be able to afford the "N" we've be missing in "Uncany'!

TV: (Jac) Maybe one day I'll even be able to afford the "K" and the "E" we couldn't afford for my name.

Tom: (The Jac) the Jac says he'll be able to refer to himself in the third person. You heard The Jac. The Jac wants a cup of coffee.

***Marley: We have Tayln first in the tournament. I knows he is tough.****

Crow: Thank you, Popeye.

TV: (Marley) After all, you gotta be tough if you can't even spell your own name, or even know what the HELL it means.

Seth: I think "Tayln" is an acronym for "Help me, this fed sucks balls". Possibly.

****Jaocbs: Tough the Jac's anus. ****

TV: Did he just ask Marley to....touch his anus?

Tom: That's what I heard. Your sport is SO gay, Trey. Have I mentioned that before?

Seth: Many times.

****The Jac will chew that poor lad up and spit him out.****

Crow: And it's getting gayer by the second.

****Marley: Don't get to overconfident. You don't know this guy.****

Tom: (The Jac) I'll kick his tail in. Get it? Tay-lin? Me made funny. Hur hur.

TV: How do I get to Overconfident? Is that near New York City?

****Jacobs: The Jac doesn't need to know losers like him. The Jac has no respect for anyone. The Jac just wants the title and The Jac urinates on everyone else.****

TV: Is he related to that Urine idiot from BOB?

Seth: The Jac gives too much information of the Jacs sexual perversions.

Crow: Join us for UCW's "Golden Showers", live in Pay-Per-View!

****Marley: Confidence. I like that.****

TV: That was a pretty good movie.

Seth: He likes confidence. Trey likes big butts. And you know i cannot lie.

****Jacobs: Then you should love the Jac. You see Tayln has no idea what he is in for. The Jac, The baddest man on the planet, will make you the first victim of the Jac.****

TV: This bad promo will bring you to your knees...it will bend you over...and will leave a bad taste in your mouth.

Seth: Aww, Trey! It's too early for THAT sort of image.

Tom: I think The Jac needs to pick ONE person to plagarise.

****The Jac will then move on and on until the Jac wins this tournament and is the World Champion.****

Crow: The fans will invent a drinking game and drink on and on every time The Jac says "The Jac' in one of his promos.

TV: Good plan. I should go get the booze...

****Marley: You ready to hit the heavy bag.*****

TV: Seth's mother is in this promo?

Seth: His interview style makes me want to hit the heavy drugs.

****Jacobs: The Jac is always ready.

Marley: Let's do it.****

TV: Oh, that was a pickup line?

Crow: (Marley) You be on top this time.

Seth: UCW: Un-natural Copulation Wrestling!

TV: Don't forget, take off that extra "N" for savings, Seth.

Seth: fine, Un-Natural Copulatio Wrestling, then.

****<They walk over to the heavy bag and the scene fades.>*****

[Comabot plays the Classic Dream Sequence Music]

Tom: There's no place like home.. there's no place like home...

Talyn's music plays and he walks out on to the stage and looks up and puts the mic to his mouth.****

Seth: He's improving... Last week he held it to his ass, although it didn't change the quality of his promo one bit.

TV: Farts would be more entertaining then what we're no doubt about to hear, I'm sure.

****Welcome to my wonderful creation Slaughter House is going to be the worst night to Jacob Jacobs. ****

TV: Even worse than the night his mother named him.

Tom: Th' Hell? Seth, engage my Gibberish-Translation circuits, would ya?

Seth: You don't HAVE any, sorry. Suffer like the rest of us.

****He will be on the floor cring when he meets the floor by the hands of me and my COD(Cradle of Death). ****

Crow: Oh my god, he's packing fish! RUN!

TV: I think he'll be on the floor laughing. Or vomiting at the sounds of this.

Seth: (sings) Rock the cradle of death... I rock the cradle of death! Cause the cradle of death... don't rock easy, it's true...

****Jacobs if you think your going to walts in here and take the championchip your fuckin wrong. ****

*Seth slides off his chair laughing*

Tom: Walts in here? I though Walt was fired?

TV: It's the most edible title in the business. The championchip!

Crow: Mmm... who brought the champion dip?

****Just because you can 435 push ups doesn't make you the man. ****

TV: Screwing 435 women does though.

Crow: if we're lucky, Tayln will blow 435 words in this promo...

****I can do 500 with one hand so don't think that your going to just beable to win your match because you can do push ups."****

Seth: Don't go there, Trey....

TV: I think we all know what he's doing with that hand of his.

Seth: (to camera) You got off lightly, folks...

Crow: Hehehe, you said got off...heh.

Tom; Man, Treys been SUCH a bad influence. (beat) Hee hee hee.. 'Got off'.

*****Jacobs your mine****

TV: Pardon the editing, losers at home. I was laughing mighty hard when I put this tape together, after all...

Seth: What about Jacobs mine? Did he strike a new seam of coal? Bored minds want to know....

****Talyn walks back stage and then the lights go out and then they come back on and the ring is filled with blood.****

Crow: It's a shoot, brother!

Tom: UCW's "PlasmaBowl I"... only on Pay-Per-Stupidity....

****Talyn's voice comes over the pa system.

TV: Strom Thurman?

Seth: Isn't he dead? Oh well, he'll STILL cut a better promo that Taylin.

Fade to black****

Tom: And don't come back!

Crow: So it's Strom Storm then? Lance's retarded cousin from Winnepeg, eh?

****Pug will not suceed
« Thread started on: Sep 14th, 2003, 3:14pm »
The Sleeper's music come on over the pa and he is seen on the screen.****

TV: (Sleeper) Pa, get out my way!

Seth: Appropriate name, as I'm bored enough to fall asleep already.

****Hey Pug, Me and you on saturday get ready for pain angwish and shyt of that nature until then hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha****

Seth: I agree... Hahahahahahahaaaaa...

Crow: Angwish? He'sh got a scmhall schpeech impediment, hashn't he?

Seth: Mawwidge....

TV: And another off-the-charts promo comes to an end. So this is what happens when the special education kids get community access, huh?

Tom: That was it? That was the entire promo? (beat) Good.

****The Sleeper is off the screen****

Seth: Damn, I never even got the cross-hairs on him, either.

****all will feel my nailz
« Thread started on: Sep 14th, 2003, 3:30pm » ****

Seth: Jesus Christ, Luchador!

TV: Fear my misspelling!

Tom: unless he wants us to touch up that guy from the WWF...

Crow: He just had them manikured.

****cameraman enters nailborns locker room to see nailborn nailing Illiana chained to his custom bed****

TV: I don't even have a bed in my locker room. This is outrageous.

Seth: Okay, then... That's probably the worst set-up since XXXtreme Machine fingered his valet mid-promo...

TV: You have a tape of that?

Seth: We burnt it. Sorry.

nailborn throws a chair at him
camera is disabled video fades****

Tom: Now there's a promo style Trey could adopt. Short, snappy, stupid.

TV: I'll have to get Paris Hilton's number. I hear she's down with the whole nailing on camera thing these days...

Seth: Now THERE'S a tape we haven't burnt yet...

***minutes later...****

Tom: One-and-a-half to be exact...

Seth: Roll, it Comabot... Trey, put the cigarette out.

****Nine inch nails "Last" blasts through the arena. as fire engulfs the air arround the entrance****

TV: One of the crewmembers just got back from Taco Bell, I see.

Crow: And so everyone stupid enough to go to a UCW show dies a horrible death. Justice is served.

****nailborn appears out of nowhere with a mic...and the amazingly hot spick Illiana****

Seth: Hmm, racist AND illiterate. Must be from Alabama.

***" Tigers may be fierce. But I am the king of this jungle. i will Penetrate the tyger with my nine inch nails and establish my dominance. ****

Seth: Okay, just going for a walk until the gay goes away...

*leaves the theatre*

***tyger, youre nothing but a pussy cat. you will be penetrated more than Illiana when matched with me. "****

TV: Pussy cat...penetration....seems there should be a joke in there somewhere...

Crow: Okay, is threatening to rape your oppenent a big part of your sport, Trey? Because it's kind of disturbing, really.

TV: Not a big part. There are those Festering Death scrubs in BOB who seem to go that way though.

****Illiana grabs at nailborns crotch signalling its time to back to the locker room.****

TV: Man, I don't think I've ever seen that signal during a baseball game.

Tom: Wait till you see how the UCW ref signals it's time to "go home' during the matches....

[Meanwhile, on the SoL.]

Seth: Gee, I don't remember having to press that play button to escape from the theatre before...Hmm...What the hell is that noise?


Ed: Oh, don't worry, Seth. That noise will stop once you go back into the theatre. It's from the UCW's main Web page. Cheery, ain't it?

Seth: What IS IT?

Ed: I don't know. But MIDI death metal has never sounded better, has it.

Seth: Argh!

****nailborn: " i think ive said enough...i think im being called on to do something that the tyger hasnt been able to get enough money to pay for in awhile"****

TV: He hasn't been able to afford to bang Illiana? Nailborn pimps that ho? Daaaaamn.

Crow: Trey, put the credit card away.

****fire erupts and nailborn and illiana dissapear in the flames****

Tom: Yeah, burn in hell, loser!

Crow: Fire good. Nailborn sucky.

*Seth stomps back into the theatre*

Seth: God-DAMN it!

TV: What's the what?

Seth: You'll find out...

****the tyger sits in his locker room in awe of nailborn and silently cries alone to himself wishing he had money for a whore. then he jerks off to gay porn*

TV: Welcome back, Seth...

Seth: Maye what Ed was doing WASN'T that bad...

****Champioship Tournament PT.2
« Thread started on: Sep 14th, 2003, 10:16pm » ****

Crow: Forst a champion Chip, now a Champion Ship! UCW=innovation!

TV: Fittting, since we're watching the Titanic of Sports Entertainment.

****At his Mansion in Glasgow after the workout Jacobs is sitting with Marley and Lucy watching the videotape of Tayln.
Marley: This is your guy. He looks ok.****

TV: Video dating claims another success.

Seth: Was he watching the same tape as we just did? If so, his definition of ok" is seriously skewed...

****Jacobs: The Jac is listening to this guy and 1 thing comes to mind. RETARDED!!!!!!****

TV: We're all in agreement then.

Tom: Yep, it's been on our minds since The Jac started talking.

****Marley: He might be for real.
Jaocbs: HE is a freakin joke. He says he can do 500 pushups with 1 arm. Please The Jac has seen pipe cleaners bigger than those arms.****

Seth: Yeah, I bet someone's been cleaning YOUR pipes, all right.

TV: The Jac knowns personally from inserting many large pipe cleaners into a dark, dirty place.

Crow: This MST is rated TV-16 for general iAd ickyness. And we think it'll get worse. You've been warned.

****Lucy: He is not as built as you sweetie.****

TV: (Lucille Ball) Waaaaaah, Jaccy!

****Jacobs: And he could not get a woman like you baby.

Marley: Enough of that. You guys know he probably doesn't like woman.****

TV: (Marley) Woman bad. Smell like tuna.

Tom: UCW: oUt of the Closest Wrestling.

****Jacobs: That is true. The Jac may beat that man straight.****

Seth: gay-bashing is a terrible crime... unless it happens to one of these guys. Then it'd be hilarious.

TV: At least he's rising above childish gay references.

Seth: Unlike us.

****Marley: What kind of name is Talyn anyway?
Jacobs: Who knows. From now on his name is Buttplug to The Jac*****

Crow: So the Jac is using him for a buttplug? That's a nice mental image, i must say.

TV: OK, the Trey is now feeling a tad....like he wants to vomit...

*Trey leaves the theatre*

Seth: See you in three minutes, Trey. or less.

****Marley: In all seriousness Jac, you better not overlook him. Anybody can beat anybody on a given day.
Lucy: Noone beats my Baby.****

Seth: Seriously, enough with the "beating' refernces. Unless you want to make this 'Masturbation Championship Wrestling".

****Jacobs: The Jac does not overlook anybody. The Jac is going to march down make quick work of this moron and move on to the Championship.
Marley: What is he talkin about now?
Jacobs: The Jac wants you two to look at him.
Marley: What for?****

Tom: The Jac craves attention. Look at me! Look, I'm The Jac! LOOOK, Dammit!

Seth: (Marley) What are you talking about? oh, that's right, gay sex with Taylin. Please continue.

****Jacobs: The Jac says that he thinks he is tough. His little theme music and here he comes. The Jac doesn't even know what his theme music is it is so bad. THe Jac is supposed to worry about that.
Marley: Your right. I think it is a Barney tune or something.*****

Crow: (Singing) I love you, you love me, homosexuality....

Seth: And another childhood idol is ruined, thanks to the Internet. Nice work, Crow!

[Meanwhile, on the SoL.]

TV: Gee, I don't remember having to press that play button to escape from the theatre before...Hmm...What the hell is that noise?


Ed: Oh, don't worry, Trey. That noise will stop once you go back into the theatre. It's from the UCW's main results page. Cheery, ain't it?

TV: What IS IT?

Ed: I don't know. But MIDI death metal has never sounded better, has it.

TV: Argh!

****Jacobs: Whatever it is, Tayln will know that when Bad to the Bone hits the pa and The Jac comes out, and then you can feel the intensity that only the Jac can bring. And then when he looks up and the bell rings and mercifly the beating is over,*****

Tom: Merci Fly, TNT! This week on MGM's Soul Cinema!

Crow: This guy should show some mercy and shut up already.

Seth: He's Bad, until he gets Boned by his opponent.

****The Jac will be standing over hislifeless, bloody body. Tayln will then know what bad is all about. Now let's watch something worth watching.****

*Trey returns to the theatre*

TV: Gat damn, that was b-r-oodle.

Seth: Yep, MIDI... Where good music goes to die.

****Marley: Here is Billy Madison.
Jacobs:The Jac loves that movie.
<Scene fades to black.>

Seth: The Jac must die, then. Along with Adam Sandler. And Tom Green, just for kicks. Slowly, if possible.

TV: Now that would be a nice snuff film.

****Ima kill you bitch
« Thread started on: Sep 16th, 2003, 8:38pm »****

TV: Ima's got attitude.

Tom: Thread finished, Sep 16th, 2003, 8:39pm. Another UCW masterpiece!

****( Enters ring really cooly ) >:-0 you got me angry bitch and now ima kill you honky.****

Seth: Imas' really got to chill out a little.

TV: Yep, don't want his smiley face to get a wrinkly forehead.

Crow: For optimum results, watch this promo after turning your TV set on its side.

****im gona beat you jus like i always used to do crack bitch****

Seth: Well, stop doing crack, it's making your promos all garbled!

TV: Is he related to douja?

****( Leaves ring lookin as sexy as he did when he walked in )****

TV: Which is, not at all.

Tom: By the way, who was he? And when does Ima get here?

« Thread started on: Sep 16th, 2003, 9:52pm »

TV: Don't thread on me.

*Seth hums a Metallica riff*

****Joltz is caught by a announcer.
Announcer: Joltz what is up.****

Seth: (Jotz) Duh. Der ceiling?

TV: (Joltz) I didn't know there'd be pop quizzes here. I quit.

Tom: (UCW Prez) You quit? That's it, your FIRED!


****Joltz: Not much.
Announcer: What do you think about what Nailborn said about you.****

Seth: (Jotlz) I think he wanted to, like, have sex with me. Uh, yeah. That was gross. Yer yer yer...

****Joltz: I think Nailborn is a Idiot he can't bring dominence to me. He sucks he couldn't beat that nine inch nail he was talking about.*****

Seth: Oh, more beating of the nine inches. Quit it!

TV: Nobody ever told them they'd go blind, apparently.

****Announcer: That is harsh what about the rest of the tounament.****

TV: (Joltz) Tuna mint? I don't know what that is.

Crow: It's the UCW's Annual "Job to the President" tourney!

****Joltz: I will dominate the rest of this tournament for the title. I will win this tournament and the title.****

Tom: I think the needle is stuck.

Seth: (Jotlz) I am IN this tournament for the title. The winner of this tournament gets the title. What tournament am I in, again? Oh, right, the title tournament.

****Annoucer: How are you and Chris going to get ready for this match.****

TV: (Joltz) It won't be naked, sweaty sex. No siree...

Seth: (Chris) At least, not with a woman!

****Joltz: We have hit the gym and watching what his style is so I know how to beat him.

Announcer: That sounds good enough see ya later Joltz.****

TV: The dolt named Joltz had to bolt.

Seth: And we roll into hour two of the promos. We're going to need a longer timeslot.

TV: (Satan) It only seems forever, Seth. MWAHAHAHA.

Seth: We're being punished for all the porn we downloaded last year, aren't we?

TV: And those cool free MP3s.

****Championship Tournament PT.3
« Thread started on: Sep 16th, 2003, 10:07pm » ****

Tom: We are sailing.. we are sailing... on a championship.. across the sea.

****Leaving for the airport Jaocbs is confrontd by media who mob him. Jaocbs gladly sees Rich Eisen from ESPN And grants him an interview.****

TV: (Rich) You want ME to interview YOU? BWAHAHAHA.

Crow: (Rich Eisen) Is it true you and Kobe Bryant have been having a brief, though tempestuous affair, Jacobs?

****Rich: Glad you allowed me in the limo Jacobs.
Jacobs: The Jac loves you . The Jac watches Sportscenter every day.****

TV: (Jac) Completely nude.

****Rich: This may be the nicest limo i have ever been in.
Jacobs: That is The Jac. Always first class.****

Seth: With the emphasis on Ass.

TV: This dialogue sounds like softcore porn.

Tom: (Monotonically) Thank you for the limo ride, The Jac. It's so hot in here. Let me take of my clothes. Ooh. Aah.

****Rich: First Question Jac, Why the UCW?*****

Crow: Inbreeding!

Seth: Lack of talent?

Tom: (The Jac) all the hot dudes in the locker room!

****Jacobs: The Jac thought that there was alot of talent here. The Jac likes alot of the people here but there are some idiots. It is a new fed and The Jac thought that he could dominate.****

TV: That S&M suit has been put to plenty good use so far.

Crow: The Jac was wrong. Terribly, horribly wrong. The Jac hates The Jacs life.

****Rich: I think so. You are the best.
Jacobs: Thaks Rich. The Jac thinks that there could be some stiff competetion here.****

TV: And fade in cheesy porn music...

Tom: (Monotone0 and speaking of "stiff". Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka...

****Rich: Really?
Jacobs: Not a chance. The Jac will dominate this fed, The Jac could beat all of these guys by himself.****

Seth: And he'll have to, since no-one will tag with the loser.

****Rich: Let's talk tournament. The first round you have Tayln. We don't know much about him. How bout you?
Jacobs: The Jac knows that he is the first in a long line of victims of The Jac. He is also first to go down on The Jac's way to the title.****

TV: Huhhuhhuh, he said, 'go down.' What a fayg.

Seth: Fish. Barrel. Bang!

****Rich: I don't like his chances.
Jacobs: Neither does the Jac.****

Seth: I don't like any of these guys chances. Neither does the Seth.

****Rich: What about Nailborn. This guy has called you out.****

Crow: ...of the closet.

TV: It's almost like a gay version of Romeo & Juliet. Now for the poison part.

Seth: I'll hand out the Kool-aid

****Jacobs: The Jac knows very little about this clown. The Jac knows that he is addicted to gay porn and mexican girls.****

TV: Is anybody NOT addicted to Mexican girls? They're hot!

Tom: Just make sure they're legal... Gayness is acceptable, pedophilia will get us kicked off the air. Except in Tasmania.

****The Jac also knows he is a pansy and will get his butt whipped atthe hands of The Jac.****

TV: It's Assamania!

Seth: Spankcade I!

Tom: Gay Hardcore Heaven!

Crow: Total Nonstop Ass!

****Rich: Who will be toughest for you?
Jacobs: The Jac know Joltz from a fed up north. The jac thinks that he could be tough. The Jac doesn't think that the tiger has what it takes to take The Jac. The Jac is going to go through this tournament and at the end The jac will hold the title in the air for all the people to see.*****

TV: It's the People's Ass everybody.

Seth: The Jac just attracted a dozen lawsuits for catchphrase violation.

****Rich: Looks like we are here. Thanks for the time.***

Crow: Yes, we drove all the way to the terminal.

****Jacobs: Anytime Rich.

Scene fades to commercial.***

Crow: XPW: We may suck, but we're still more entertianing than THIS shit!

« Thread started on: Sep 24th, 2003, 3:36pm » ****

TV: Boil to a simmer. Throw on booker when heated properly.

****<Scene opens to a workout room. Bill Stagge is working out on the free weights with his trainer.>

Stagge: Is it just me, or are the feeding me Jacobs' sloppy seconds?****

Seth: Gahhh... Quit IT! Freaking gay references up the wazoo. Literally!

****Trainer: What do you mean?
Stagge: Talyn. I mean, the Jac has already crushed this guy once, and now the put him in a match where it will happen again!
Trainer: Don't get over confident, Bill. Maybe he was just having a bad day?
Stagge: Yeah, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my ass.****

TV: I figured them going the other way...

Tom: It's a Nightstick on a Pole match... just don't ask where the pole is...

****Trainer: <laughs>****

TV: Ah, we are funny, aren't we.

Seth: (Trainer) You stole from "Waynes World"... You're so humourous!

****Stagge: Seriously, I haven't seen this Talyn guy do or say anything since before his match against the Jac, and even that was talking about how he can do 500 push ups with one hand.
Trainer: If its true, that quite a feat.****

Crow: (Edge) Did you mention my feet, eh?

Tom: (Stagge) I can do 500 push-ups with one foot. It's quite a hand!

****Stagge: If its true. But, considereing he said he was going to beat the Jac, and make it his worst night ever, we can tell that he's either an idiot, or a flat out lier.*****

Seth: Judging by the Jacs mic skills, it'd be a stretch to have his 'worst night ever". EVERY nights got to be pretty bad, huh?

****Trainer: There is another possibilty.
Stagge: Whats that?
Trainer: He let the Jac win because he has the hots for the Jac.****

TV: Groundbreaking, thy name is NOT UCW.

Crow: So is Tayln Billy or Chuck? I'm confused.

Tom: I think the Jac is Mr. Ass. So according to my calculations, Tayln would be Chuck.

Seth: Nahh, Jac’s never missed an ass in his life.

****Stagge: <shivers> Now that's a disturbing thought. But I doubt it. We all know that Nailborn is the one with a fetish for the Jac.
Trainer: And Gay Porn.
Stagge: Yes, and Gay Porn.****

Seth: UCW IS gay porn, let's face the facts here!

TV: Yes, gay porn.

****<They leave the free weights, and go to the treadmill>
Stagge: I'm telling you, Talyn is going to have a very bad evening after Saturday night.****

Crow: He won't be able to sit down for a week!

TV: So, his Sunday is going to be bad too?

****Trainer: Careful, you're startign to sound like Talyn, yourself.
Stagge: Good point. Well, lets just leave it at the fact that, come Sunday morning, Talyn will still be winless in the UCW. Courtesy of yours truly.****

TV: Emphasis on the 'come.'

Tom: Ick.

****a simple interview
« Thread started on: Sep 24th, 2003, 6:49pm »****

Seth: (UCW Wrestler) You suck. You're gay. Duh end.

****the interviewer knocks on nailborns door
he is horrified at the appearance of nailborn drenched in blood. the blood of joltz.****

TV: The narrator can tell just from looking at it?

Crow: Was Joltz a virgin?

Seth: Great, now even Crows at it. Damn you, UCW!

TV: The only spot on his body he was still a virgin was his left ear...

****apparantly he has left the blood of his victim to remind all those what is awating them****

Seth: (Nailborn) I haven't showered in a month! That's HARDCORE!

TV: (Announcer) Your free chance at getting AIDS or many of UCW's other diseases.

****what they have brought on themselves
and what others should not bring on themselves.****

Seth: Hey, he stole that Goth shit from me. and I did it better.

TV: Nobody should bring blood on themselves. Among other body fluids.

****"if the sleeper is smart...he will not bring upon the pain that others ask for. what i have done to that pussy is nowhere near what is awaiting others.dont make me do this to you sleeper..------*****

TV: Look out! He's got punctuation!

Seth: Too bad he traded his capital letters for it.

****Monoxide and more
« Thread started on: Sep 24th, 2003, 10:10pm » ****

TV: (Newscaster) A family dead. Film at 11.

Seth: Great, it's time to gas the UCW wrestlers! Hit the showers, boys!

Tom: We'd like to apologize to every Jewish person in the world. Seth’s comments are his own, yadda, yadda, yadda...

***Sitting down with the special announcer Jacobs and Marley are
talking about life and more inportantly Monoxide and The Title Tournament.****

TV: (Ralph Wiggum) I'm special!

Crow: Marley was dead to begin with... it had something to do with the carbon monoxide. Enter, the Ghost of Promos Yet to Suck.

****Jacobs: So, Butch, Tell me what intellenge are you going to spue at the Jac.****

TV: I think Butch has something special in mind he plans on spewing at the Jac.

Seth: Methinks The Jac has been on The Jack... Daniels, that is.

****Butch: First of all Jac, I want to thank you for your time.
Jacobs: Ok. Get on with it.****

TV: (Jac) I've got to call some people fags already...

Tom: That's the first sensible thing anyone has said today.. GET ON WITH IT!

****Butch: You seemed to have very little trouble with Tayln in the 1st round of the tourney.
Jacobs: As the Jac said that The Jac would.****

Seth: Would the Trey please go and get The Seth the Peoples shotgun?

Crow: How much would would a Jac would if a would Jac could Jac would?

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Ahh, the Brewski Express is here.

[Picks up a six-pack off the top of the train he's cunningly rigged to run between the galley and the theatre.]

TV: I hope that's not an Amtrak train, or else there's gonna be a LOT of wasted beer spilled.

****Butch: But the ease in which it was done.
Jacobs :The jac told you it would be easy. The Jac whipped that little twit and now we move on.****

Seth: But first, the Jac must hang up the Peoples cat-o'-Nine-Tails. And bring out the Peoples Gimp.

****Butch: Marley, Did you think it would be that easy?

Marley: The Jac told you all it would be easy and to let you know that The jac has never lied to me before. As his trainer he has done nothing to disappoint me yet.****

TV: Thanks to Viagra.

Tom: The UCW fans get disappointed every time they see him on screen, but that's understandable.

****Jacobs: Neither will The Jac.
Butch: Next up for you is Monoxide.****

TV: I've got a garage, a car and a hose you can borrow. Let's gas this son of a bitch!

Crow: Monoxide, sponsored by Lucky Strike cigarettes! Mmm, that's monoxide-y!

****Jaocbs: The Jac couldn't care less. The Jac wants Monoxide to know that The Jac is an equal oppurtunity Butt whipper and Monoxide is next in a long line of The Jac's victims.****

TV: A butt whatter?

Seth: Hmm, listening to The Jac or listening to MIDI Death Metal... what to choose, what to choose?

****Butch: After this you get the winner of Nailborn......
Jacobs: The Gay porn Freak.****

TV: Could you narrow that insult down, Jac?

Tom: Or John Hugerod, the Gay Porn STAR...

****Butch: Ok. and the Sleeper.
Jacobs: The Jac hopes that The Sleeper doesn't fall asleep or the gay porn freak may give him a wake up call.****

TV: I should let Chesta The Molesta know about this fed. It seems right up his alley. Though everyone is a tad old for him...

Seth: By about fifteen years, yeah.

****Butch: Alot of hostitily towards Nailborn.
Jacobs: The Jac hates him. What do you call a guy who calls you out and then disappears?***

TV: Stone Cold Steve Austin?

Tom: Trey shoots... and he SCORES!

****Marley: I would say a wuss.
Jacobs: That is right .Nailborn, The Jac hopes you win because then you will ahev to realize that across the ring from you is the very best that this business has to offer.****

TV: (XXXtreme Machine) I wont ahev 2 do nethng

Seth: Kurt Angle joined UCW? I'll believe it when I see it...

****The Jac wil then become the first ever championi in the UCW. ****

Tom: The Jac just became Italian!

Seth: He's "pasta" his prime, all right.

TV: First there was the pepperoni, now say hello to the championi!

****Then you can go back to the Gay porn and Scrabble you worthless piece of dung.****

TV: New from Milton Bradley, it's Gay Porn Scrabble.

Crow: Hey, I'm on the Double Penetration Score square!

Seth: God DAMN! Let me re-adjust your smuttyness Levels, Crow,

****Butch: Any other wrestlers in this fed you want.
Jacobs: The Jac is taking all comers.****

TV: I hope he has a lot of shampoo and toothpaste.

****The Jac saw this new guy Bill Stagge talking trash.****

Seth: Talking trash, huh? Wasn't that a character in "Fraggle Rock"?

TV: (BS) Man, I just love the smell of trash on an early spring morning, don't you?

Tom: i think there's a reason his initials spell "BS".

****Butch: He complimented you in the last interview.
Jacobs: He also made fun of Marley. It takes a big man to make fun of a guy that is unable to wrestle. ****

TV: I guess we're huge then, Seth...

Seth: Yeah, we make jokes about Hulk Hogan all the time...

****The Jac then says that he challenged Nailborn. The Jac would have to say that Bill wants an easy win. The Jac doesn't think he is a gay freak too.****

TV: He doesn't? So he's just a hetero freak then?

Crow: I'm confused. And bored. And hungry. Which is odd, since I'm a robot.

***Marley: Bill is lucky that i didn't rip his lips off right then.****

TV: (Marley) Or superglue my lips on him. Yeega!

Seth: I'd like to shove this interview between the lips Marley never kisses with.

****Butch: Bill is wrestling Tayln on Saturday.
Jacobs: The Jac will see what he does then. The Jac is always impressed by someone who thinks that they are the baddest thing walking. They all realize the same thing though.
Butch: What is that?****

TV: How flamingly GAY they are?

Seth: How much they're rather be in another company?

Tom: How annoying someone is when he constantly talks about himself in the third person?

****Jaocbs: After wrestling the Jac, They realize that they were in the ring with the baddest man on the planet.****

TV: Mike Tyson just bit a piece of his satellite dish off at THAT ripoff.

Crow: Webster’s defines "bad" as "Not good; Incompetent: The Jac: Inadequate"...

****The jac says that if you want the best, then you want the jac.
Butch: Jacobs, Marley, Thank you for the time.
Jacobs: Monoxide you are next!!!!!!****

TV: Whoops, think I just heard Goldberg superkick his television, ending its career...

Seth: (The Jac) Wait, don't fade out, I didn't rip off Triple H yet! Because I am THE GAME-AH!

****Scene fades to commercial about Taco Bell>****

Crow: Now THIS is interesting.

TV: If the Jac shows up and makes that stupid dog chase after somebody...

Seth: If the Jac EVER shows up ANYWHERE again, I'll personally unscrew his nipples.

****Bill Bill Bill
« Thread started on: Sep 24th, 2003, 6:38pm » ****

TV: Jack Kevorkian called at 6:39 p.m.

Seth: Hey, it's Tarrantinos' "Kill Kill Kill Bill Bill Bill"! Starring UmaUma Thurman!

****Talyn's music hits and the lights go out. They come back on and Talyn is in the ring. He grabs a mic and starts to speak.****

TV: Can't we shut the lights off and make him disappear again?

Crow: (Sings) Crap off! *clap clap* Crap on *clap clap* Crap on, crap, off.. it's TAYLN!

****Bill Bill Bill. You just arrived and you think your going to win your first match. Guess again I am the one who let the Jac win.****

TV: Uh oh. He's about to reveal the secrets of sports entertainment!

Seth: Great, I'll be getting a call from Kay Fabe any second now.

*Cell phone plays "Creep' in beeps.*

Seth: See?

****. I felt sorry for him. He looked so helpless so I figured I'd let him lose to the nect person e faces. ****

Seth: (Into cell phone) No, it's okay, Kay. He's talking gibberish, your secrets are safe here.

****Now you on the other hand. Don't think your going to be so lucky. I'm not that nice to the fresh fish in the fed.****

TV: He has a flounder fetish?

Crow: (Talyn) If you win, it'll be an act of "Cod"!

*Trey slaps him*

Seth: That was shellfish, Trey.

*Trey slaps Seth*


Tom: Well, someone's crabby today...

****Although I am on of the best in this fed but i just figured I'd tell you how this match goes. We are in a lions den with out the cage and the outter perimiter is on fire and there are weapons out there.****

TV: (Jim Morrison) And there's a giant crawling king snake, baby...the blue bus is calling us, man...

Seth: Guh? what is this, a "Bloody Stupid Gimmick" Match?

****The only 2 ways to wil is by subbmision and TKO. Best of luck to you and remember I am the best in this buissness and there aint shit you can do about it.****

Crow: "2 Ways to Wil"... sounds like an N'sync number.

TV: You can also win by tagging your opponent on the head and running around the fire circle and getting back to his spot before he catches you.

Seth: Talyn had to change gimmicks recently, I hear. There were complaints about "Retardo Boy". I think it was fitting, personally.

****The lights go out and the the ring sets a flame and Talyn is gone.****

TV: The ring committed suicide.


****Re: Bill Bill Bill
« Reply #1 on: Sep 25th, 2003, 10:12pm » ****

Seth: Kill Kill Kill Bill Bill Bill, Episode 222.

****<As Butch leaves The Jac's locker room, he passes by Stagge's dressing room. He knocks on the door, and waits for the door to open.>
Stagge: <opens the door> Yes, what can I do for you, Butch?****

Tom: (Butch) You can find The Jac and stab him repeatedly. The fans will thank you.

****Butch: I was hoping that you would honor me with an interview.
Stagge: Sure. I always have a few moments for you guys.****

Crow: (Stagge) Come on in, take off your pants... I mean, shoes! Yeah, shoes.

****Butch: Thanks. <enters the room> First off, what do you have to say about Talyn's comments from just a short while ago?****

Seth: (Stagge) He was talking? I thought he was having an "episode". Did it make sense to YOU?

****Stagge: First off, he's been in the Fed for what, a week longer then me? If that? And suddenly he thinks he's Hulk friggin' Hogan?****

Seth: Yep, he took a month off, came back, demanded a title run, then blew out his hip on a leg drop.

****Butch: True. He also has said that he allowed the Jac to win his match last week.
Stagge: Yeah, and Jerry Springer is a respected journalist.****

[Sounds of a small electric train]


Seth: Crow, get off there!

Crow: (Fading) See-ya, suckers! ha-ha-haaaa!

TV: It's the midnight train to Georgia.

Seth: I'd like to BE in Georgia right about now. Or Cuba. or anywhere but here.

****Butch: Wha?
Stagge: I said, yeah, right.****

TV: Man, the only difference between this interview and a wall is you can hang a picture on a wall...

Tom: And a wall can be interesting to look at, sometimes.

****Butch: Oh. Moving on, he said that he was one of the best wrestlers in this federation. How do you reply to that?
Stagge: How can he be one of the best, if he has not won a single match. If Talyn is one of the best, then so is Joltz.****

Seth: You're going to need Jolt Cola to stay awake during this feds' shows.

TV: I wonder how long Crow can put up with that music out there. He may be a robot and all...

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Welcome back... did you bring any beer with you?

Crow: Nope.

Seth: Back to the MIDI you go, pal!

Crow: (Fading) Bastard!

****Butch: He has said that your match is going to be a Lion's Den match. Your comments?
Stagge: The only thing I've heard about it being a Lion's Den match is what Talyn himself has said. I've not seen anything else saying that its anything other then a regular match. If it IS a Lion's Den match, cool. If not, then just as well.****

TV: If I was asleep, this dream would put me in a coma, just so I could escape it.

Comabot: Poink?

Tom: What, and he doesn't want to be in that great "Let's Burn Down the Arena" match? Puss.

Setjh: Yer yer yer.

Seth: Get out of here!

TV: Man, if that guy wasn't our set decorator, I'd call the cops.

****Butch: What is your over-all opinion of Talyn?
Stagge: I think he's a putz! Simple enough?****

Tom: (Butch) For our fans? barely.

****Butch: I think that is pretty simple. One last question?
Stagge: Sho' nuff.****

Seth: Bill "SHAFT!" Stagge!

TV: We've all had enough of this show...

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: here's the beer... now help me back into my seat!

Seth: This is warm!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Ahhhhhgh!

****Butch: What is your opinion of The Jac?
Stagge: Tha Jac? He's one of the best. He is the pinnacle of what we should all strive for in Professional Wrestling.****

TV: And not brake for when he's crossing the street.

Tom: Yes, we need to reach for unashamed rip-offs, lame catchphrases and occasional bouts of mental illness.

****Butch: But after the comments we heard last week...
Stagge: Friendly banter between myself and Marley. If anything was misunderstood... Someone should clean their ears out.****

TV: (Stagge) I've got a pipe cleaner in my pants.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Okay, cold beer. Get me off this thing, Ed's playing Michael Bolton!

TV: Is it cold enough, Seth?

Seth: Hmmm... Just. Wait, this is Coors! Where's the freakin' Schlitz?

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: (Fading) Nooooooo!

****Butch: Alright. Thank you for your time. Any final comments for the people out there?
Stagge: Talyn, you better keep movin. Cause if you don't, I will catch your little punk ass, and cause you to become Stagnant!****

TV: As Stagnant as Coors beer?

Seth: Oh, my God, he's going to instagnate him!

****Re: Bill Bill Bill
« Reply #2 on: Sep 25th, 2003, 10:42pm »***

Seth: Kill Kill Kill Bill Bill Bill Volume 333. And it FEELS like we've watched three hundred interviews by now.

TV: This is the last one, actually. I think. Then it's onto the second shortest show of all time.

Seth: That's the best news I've heard all day.

****As Butch walks out of Bills lockeroom, Talyn is waiting.
Butch-"What the.... You scared me man."
So you have fun on your knees in Bill Stagge's "Oval Office"?****

TV: That would be 'oral' office, genius.

Tom: (Butch) He gave me a cigar! I can't smoke it, but I'll need help retrieving it, I think.

****Butch- What???
Nothing just be ready to see that little fuck go down.****

TV: Down where?

Seth: Little Fuck? Didn't he tag with Little Beaver back in the ‘80s?

Crow: They were managed by Little Dick, right?

Tom: And they feuded with Little Wang and Hung So Lo.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Okay, cold malt liquor. Back on your seat, Crow.

****Talyn turns and walks away but stops and then turns around and looks at Butch
Oh yeah, it's not a lions den match it is a devil's play ground match there is a difference.****

Crow; Can ride the Satanic Slide and the Teeter-totter of terror, Trey? Can I, can I, can I?

TV: I'll get some Hell Money for you.

Seth: Yeah, and you can also ride the Tunnel of Snacks.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: (Fading) Hellllp!

Tom: I love a running gag...

****Talyn drops something and dissapears.
« Last Edit: Sep 25th, 2003, 10:44pm by Talyn »****

TV: Finally, God answered our prayers.

Seth: He needed to edit it more, it was still crap. And always will be.

Tom: Okay, bring on the wrestling to back up the Mad Mic Skillz we've just seen!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Did I order pretzels?

[Sounds of a small electric train]

****Slaughter House Card****

TV: An appropriate title for this place. I'd love to slaughter everybody on this roster so far that I've seen.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Oh, no-one likes Crab Chips.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

****Match 1
Jacobs VS MonoXide****

Seth: The Jacs' got gas!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: You forgot the dip...

Crow: Aww, come on...

[Sounds of a small electric train]

****Bad to the Bone comes on the pa system and Jacobs comes out.****

TV: Couldn't think of a more fitting song for this scrub.

Tom: He finally "came out", huh? Well, after all the gayness, it's about time, really.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Oops, Crow must have fallen off...

[Sounds of a small electric train]

****For Whom The Bell Tolls come on the pa system and MonoXide comes out and gets in to the ring.****

TV: The narrator takes the easy way out with the introductions.

Seth: There's come on the PA system? That's a health code violation if I've ever heard one.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Okay, here's the dip!

Tom: Good, the Jac is just about to wrestle.

Crow: Oh. Could you put me back on the train, Seth?

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: (Fading) Thank you...

****The bell sounds and MonoXide nails Jacobs in the stomach with a front kick and DDTs Jacobs. MonoXide goes for the pin and Jacobs kicks out before the ref can get a count.****

Seth: A count of criminal stupidity if he's working for UCW.

****MonoXide gets up and kicks Jacobs while he is on the ground.****

Tom: He's being gay-bashed! Call the cops!

Seth: Nahh, this is Justifiable Kicking. No jury would convict him.

****The bell sounds and MonoXide nails Jacobs in the stomach with a front kick and DDTs Jacobs.****

TV: Nails. DDT. Good start. How about running him over with a car next?

Seth: Didn't we already do this bit? Memo: Never let Coma edit the tape.

[Sounds of the tape fast forwarding.]

****MonoXide goes out of the ring grabs a chair and brings it in.****

TV: (MonoXide) Oh, sweet chair, only YOU understand me.

Tom: Oh good, a lengthy sit-down interview is about to happen! SMELL THE RATINGS!

****Jacobs drop kicks the chair in to MonoXide’s face. MonoXide falls to the ground.****

Seth: (MonoXide) It was on one of my frequent trips to the ground...

Tom: Simpsons!

Seth: Good spotting...

TV: That's the worst punt return I've ever seen.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: (Doppler) Oh, I'vvve been working on the raillllway.. (Fades)

Seth: Glad someone's having fun.

****Jacobs goes under the ring and pulls out a ladder and a table.****

TV: And a jigsaw puzzle. And some glue.

Seth: Three clocks, two oven, a fridge and an electric frypan. I think he's been living under there.

****Jacobs throw the table in to the ring and brings the ladder in to the ring. He sets the ladder and table and ladder up in the ring.****

TV: A bit much setting up that ladder twice...

Tom: Needless padding pads the card needlessly.

Seth: (The Jac) The ladder won't stay up. Duh. The Jac stoopid.

****Then climbs the ladder and waits for MonoXide to get up.****

TV: (Jac) Beep! Beep! Beep! The Jac is impersonating an alarm clock jabroney!

Seth: He going to hit the Peoples' Blown Spot!

****MonoXide stands up and looks around and notices that Jacobs is about to drop kick him.****

TV: (MonoXide) Hey, Jac! You gonna dropkick me now? Am I in the right spot?

Tom: Is The Jac is moving in bullet time?

****MonoXide jumps out of the way and Jacobs lands and slides in to the turnbuckle.****

TV: (Umpire) You're out!

Seth: Ohh, he crushed the Peoples 'Nads!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Man, I took the scenic route that time round... (fades)

****MonoXide goes to the ladder and starts to climb it and Jacobs gets up and goes over to the ladder.****

TV: (Kermit singing) Some where over the ladder, way up high...

Tom: (The Jac) Psst.. MonoXide. I just realized... this ISN'T a ladder match! What the hell are we doing?

Seth: (MonoXide) Dude, you started it!

****Jacobs starts to climbs it MonoXide and Jacobs get to the top and start to fight. ****

Seth: (MonoXide) I told you to come home early last night!

Tom: (The Jac) Well, you didn't wash the dishes! And you mother keeps bugging me!

Seth: (MonoXide): I want a divorce!

****Jacobs pokes MonoXide in the eyes and climbs over the top of the ladder and grabs MonoXide and jumps and does the Lover Covers.****

Tom: Okay, do we even WANT to know what the "Lover Cover" entails?

Seth and TV: Nope!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow; Me either! (Fades)

*****They go threw the table and Jacobs goes for the cover. 1…..2…..3
Jacobs advances to the main event.****

Seth: Oh, you mean that incredible match WASN'T the main event? Whoa, I'm impressed. Shoot me.

****Match 2
NailBorn VS The Sleeper****

Seth: It will be under "Does Anybody Give a shit?" rules!

TV: So bad, it'll make you want to put nails through your eyes and never wake up again.

****Last comes on the pa system and NailBorn is in the crowd and waits for The Sleeper.****

TV: Most people have the courtesy to wait in the ring, buddy.

Tom; Uhh, should we tell him the ring is over thataway?

Seth: Dude! Over here! C'mon, don't be shy...

****The Sleeper has Awakened by Divinity Destroyed comes on and The Sleeper enters the arena and looks around the bell rings.****

TV: Brain...melting....

Seth: Okay, scouting the bell is in interesting tactic. Stupid, though interesting.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Okay, pick me up Seth. I ran out of train-related humor.

Seth: About time, and all.

****NailBorn jumps out of the crowd with a sledge hammer and hits The Sleeper in the head and pins him. 1….2…3****

Tom: Great match! Excellent! Now, if he could him ME with the sledge, my night would be complete!

TV: You've got to be bad if you're getting squashed that badly here.

****NailBorn faces Jacobs in the main event for the title.****

TV: Quick fans, break your televisions now so you don't accidentally see it.

Seth: This one's for you, Elvis! (Mimes shooting the screen)

****Match 3
Demitri VS Joltz****

TV: A piano falls on both competitors backstage. Double countout. NEXT!

Crow: I'm bored already. Where's that train?

****Dig comes on the system and the arena fills with smoke and Demitri is in the ring.****

{Assorted sounds of coughing]

TV: It's Demitri Copperfield.

Seth: The Surgeon General advises you not to watch UCW, due to it's possible lethal stupidity levels.

****Joltz’s music hits and he comes down to the ring and looks at Demitri and Demitri looks at Joltz’s all of a sudden Joltz has a scared look on his face. ****

TV: (Joltz) I think I left the IRON ON!

Tom: (Joltz0 Oh, God! I just sobered up and realized I signed with UCW! AHHHHHGH!

****The camera zooms in to Demitri’s face, Demitri’s eyes are black and green smoke is rising from them.****

TV: He really might want to have a doctor look at that.

Seth: From his EYES? Get the almighty living fuck of here!

Crow: Okay, Seth!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Seth: Not you!

****The cell comes down and the bell rings.****

TV: It's hell in a cell phone! Presented by Nokia.

Tom: UCW: Cells, Bells and unusual Smells! Welcome to Hell.

Evil Voice-Over: Don't be late. Heh.

****Demitri grabs Joltz and throws him over the ring and threw the cell. ****

Seth: Well, that'll teach them to buy one of those cheap plastic cells.

TV: That's gonna be a roaming charge.

****Demitri runs out and looks for Joltz and can’t find him.****

TV: Is that because his eyes are still smoking?

Tom: He threw him into another time-zone! Run, Jotlz! Escape is still an option!

****Joltz is climbing the cell. Demitri climbs up after him and they get to the top of the cell.****

TV: (JR) By gawd, how do you learn to steal spots!

Seth: The entire show is stuck on fast-forward... and that's the best news I've heard tonight!

****Joltz looks at Demitri and falls.****

TV: It's the psychic hiptoss.

Tom: Joltz, the Peoples Dipshit!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: (Slim Pickens) Wa-hoo! Whaaa-hoo! (Fades)

****Demitri grabs Joltz and brings him to the edge of the cell. Demitri turns Joltz around and jumps off the cell.****

TV: (Demitri) Der, maybe I should have grabbed Joltz first...

Seth: Spin your partner round and round, throw his ass right off the cell! Now promenade!

****On the way Demitri does the Batfly.****

Tom: Is that like doing the Bartman?

****Demitri gets up after a few minutes and drags Joltz in to the ring and pins him. 1 …..2……3****

TV: What did they fall onto exactly? A big bowl of Jell-O?

Seth: UCW was booked by Virgil, the Retarded Chimpanzee. Tune in next week as The Jac spontaneously combusts during a Strap Match!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: I'd pay to see it! (Fades)

****Demitri is the champ.****

Seth: Chump.

Tom: Chimp.

TV: (Freddie Mercury, singing) I am the anonymous champion...the undetermined champion...of something or other....

****Match 4
Talyn VS Bill Stagge****

Seth: Talyn runs into a door on his way out, knocks himself cold, loses by forfeit. Next!

****They enter the Devil’s playground ring. The perimeter explodes in to flames and Stagge jumps.****

TV: Oh, how tragic, he committed suicide. Wait, that's no tragedy. Hooray!

Tom: Mmm, is someone roasting pork?

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow (Doppler) Pardon me boyyy.. is that the Chatanooga cho-coo... (Fades)

****Talyn foot kicks Stagge and does a swinging neck breaker.****

TV: Here comes the dreaded fist punch! And the arm clothesline!

Seth: And the ass suck! Wait, that's the entire fed sucking ass..

****Talyn gets up and walks out and grabs a metal bat.****

Tom: Are aluminum bats legal in this sport? It's not Little League, after all.

****Talyn walks back in to the ring and swings the bat and nails Stagge in the stomach.****

TV: And his liver is going, going, gone!

Seth: Come on, Talyn! Put him in an arm grapevine and REALLY pop the crowd!

****. Talyn whales on Stagge for a little bit and the give up on him and grabs a new weapon.****

[Sounds of a small electric train]

TV: Moby Dick doing a number on Stagge there...

Crow: Save the whales! (Fades)

Seth: Yeah, save me one, I'll teach it to fetch.

TV: It appears Talyn is now grabbing an octopus...

****Talyn walks in to the ring with a chair. ****


****Talyn sets up the chair and picks up Stagge and does a Russian leg sweep on to the chair.****

TV: C'mon. Now I want to see an Aquarium Death Match. I better call BigBOSS after the show.

Seth: Take a memo, Tom. Dear UCW Wrestlers. Whatever it is UCW is paying you, I'll double it to quit. Signed, Trey Vincent.

TV: There you go...hey...wait a second...

Seth: So you'll have to go without hookers for a week. It'll be worth it.

****Talyn walks out of the ring and goes to the stage above the ring.****

Tom: Interesting architectural design in this building.

TV: It's the Uncany Inferno. How many stages of Hell are there here?

Seth: We've sat through at least four of them today.

****Then Talyn does the COD and lands it and goes for the pin. 1……2…..3****

Seth: OH MY COD!

Tom: He landed on his head! That'll give you a haddock.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Oh, clam up!

****Talyn wins the DPC****

Seth: The writer was on LSD.

TV: (Dr. Dre) Straight out the C-P-T, pumpin’ some shit that’s D-O-P-E. So fuck the P-O-L-I-C-E.

****Match 5
NailBorn VS Jacobs****

TV: Ah, the main event has at last arrived, about 10 minutes into the actual show.

Seth: Guess they could only afford fifteen minutes of air-time this week.

Tom: Lucky us.

****Match in progress.****

Seth: Okay, TWELVE minutes of air-time.

TV: Heh, it's like ECW, if it were about 20 times worse...

Tom: Hopefully UCW will soon die like ECW did...

****NailBorn is on the ground bleeding and Jacobs pull out a ladder and a table.****

TV: And his finest China.

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: Wow, the train took me back in time to the first match! (Fades)

****Jacobs sets the table and the ladder up in the ring and then the lights go out and the sound of a table breaking.****

TV: Great job rigging up the lights, everyone.

Tom: The federation is imploding in on itself! Hooray!

****Then the lights come back on at NailBorn is standing in the ring covered in blood and Jacobs is out cold in the table and Talyn is standing above him.****

TV: That crazy Talyn watched "Carrie" again.

Seth: If I ever meet these guys, there will be more blood spilt than that.

****NailBorn pins Jacobs 1……2…….3****

TV: Wow, I can't believe they jobbed out a completely untalented scrub in favor of another completely untalented scrub. It's like Montreal all over again. If it happened in South Bumfuck.

Seth: What? The Jac lost? After all those stunning, original interviews? It's a TRAVESTY, I tell ya!

[Sounds of a small electric train]

Crow: is it over?

****NailBorn Wins and is the Champ.****

Crow: YAY!

[Sound of a small electric train derailing]

TV: Aw, man, did you buy that from AMTRAK, Seth?

Seth: If there's a post-match interview, I'm taking that train myself...

TV: (Singing as he gets up) Ride that train-train-train!

All: Train of fools...

Tom: (To the screen) Later, fools!

[Door sequence. Back on the SoL.]

Ed Tenta-Shaw: Ah, sometimes torture can be such fun. Well, iAders, are you ready to cast your ballots?

Seth: I still don’t get the point of this, Ed. I mean, what good does making us hate each other do?

TV: Who says we don’t already all hate each other anyway?

Ed: Oh, please. The iAd. You have been making fun of federations ever since you formed. You’re not doing this to drive viewers away from BOB anymore.

TV: We aren’t?

Ed: No! This is about ratings, Trey. You know that.

TV: About getting ratings, sure. But you’re fat face sure isn’t helping in that department. Ever think of getting a sidekick, fatty?

Tom: Say, Ed, what does the winner get anyway? Cash? Plasma televisions? Money? A year’s supply of lubrication? Moolah?

Ed: Prize? Who said the winner gets a prize?

Seth: So, the winner gets punished?

Ed: You’d like it if there was actually some thought put into this concept, wouldn’t you?

TV: Well, yeah...

Ed: Maybe YOU should put some thought into YOUR concepts.

TV: Maybe you should get a gimmick and stick with it for more than five seconds! *Burp*

Crow: Can we get on with this?

Ed: Yes. In the bridge, is a secret voting booth. Go there and write down who you want to vote off the Satellite.

[Scene cuts to the bridge of the SoL. Through time lapse editing, we see Tom approach the voting position.]

Tom: Umm...Ed does realize my arms are only good for flopping around, right?

[Then Crow approaches. Then Trey. Then Seth. Trey and Seth both easily write. A stagehand puts something in Crow’s hand.]

Crow: So, how do you write? Nobody ever taught me.

[Back in the main area.]

Ed: Well now. I have four pieces of paper here. Let’s see who you all want to eject from the Satellite, and let’s see who will move on to see the NEXT feature presentation.

All: *GASP*

Crow: Oh, come on, Ed. How is THAT a prize?

Ed: As I said, who said ANYTHING about a prize? Haven’t you caught on yet? My reality show is based on life. You don’t know when something is coming. Or why? It just happens for no apparent reason. It’s the ultimate reality program. It makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER!

TV: What a jackass.

Ed: Let’s see here...the first vote...(holds up the piece of paper to the camera) George Bush? Trey, stop trying to put your political beliefs out there.

TV: Screw you, man. I’m a rebel. *Lights a cigarette* I’m evil. See? I’m smoking.

Seth: *Cough* Put that out, Trey. Since when are you smoking real cigarettes.

Ed: Anyhow. The second vote. (Holds the paper up) TV. Aww, poor Trey. Somebody might be out of a paycheck.

TV: Say what?

Ed: I told you. This voting process makes no sense, neither does this program.

TV: You can’t take away my paycheck!

Ed: Well, you know what they say. There are three things guaranteed in life. Death, taxes and nothing else. Vote number three. Trey Vincent.

TV: Seth? That’s YOUR writing, isn’t it?

Seth: Why do you think that?

TV: It’s written in blood.

Seth: That’s red ink, Trey. You’re so paranoid. I wouldn’t vote for a fellow member of Team Human now, would I?

Ed: And vote number three (holds paper up) TV! Well, Trey, you’ve lost your paycheck and have to leave the SoL. Thanks for your help this year, now go away. You’re DEAD TO US, BITCH!

TV: Aw, great. You know what, screw you all. I’m going to the bar. You’ll all be hearing from my lawyers! Attica! Attica!

[Lights flash.]

Seth: Aww, crap! We’ve got Sports Entertainment Sign! Again!

Tom + Crow: BOOOOOO!


****Extream World Wrestling ****

Seth Lock it in, boys... it's time to get Extream!

Tom: Uuhh, don't you mean "Extreme", Seth?

Seth: Not with this crowd, I don't...

***Extream World Wrestling's "Monday Night Rebellion***

Crow: Ahh, I see. "EWW: We's spell goodly!"

***"Total Rebellion" begins to play and the crowd goes wild as Rebellion goes on the air.***

Tom: And the paying public plots a rebellion against half-assed wrestling organizations...

****Kenny Bartow: "Welcome to Extream World Wrestling's Monday night Rebellion. We have a great show for you tonight."***

Seth: (Kenny) It's called "Buffy, The Vampire Slayer"! But first, OUR crappy show...

***Ben Stine: "That's right Kenny, tonight we are going to see Ally defend her Woman's Title against the Billion Dollar Princes Stephanie McMahon."***

Tom: Ally McBeal's on the roster? How did SHE make the minimum weight requirement?

****Kenny Bartow: "We are also going to see a highly anticipated loser leaves town match between former friends Raven and Jihad."
Ben Stine: "I hope that some how both of them lose!"***

Crow: (Kenny) Well, they're both born losers for joining our company, so it just might happen!

***Kenny Bartow: Well Ben, we're set for another exciting night here on Monday Night Rebellion!
Ben Stine: We are-we are-we are!!***

Tom: (Kenny) We-are, we-are, we-are what?

Crow: (Ben) Losers-losers-losers!

***And we are wasting no time here as The Hardyz come storming to the stage!!***

Seth: (TV Weatherman) There's a Hardy Boyz storm warning in effect for Nebraska, with an 80% chance of random faggyness and blown spots.

***Kenny Bartow: And as "King of my World" hits the airwaves, Jericho and Answer come storming to the ring!!
Ben Stine: 'Both' of them!!***

Tom: (Kenny) Good input, Ben. You're dead weight around here at times.

***Kenny Bartow: The bell sounds and this match is under way! Vulcan, our special guest referee,***

Seth: (Vulcan) Wrestle well and prosper...

***getting two men out of the ring, and Matt Hardy will be starting off this one with Answer.***

Crow: (Matt Hardy) Uhh.. The Statue of Liberty?

Seth: Oooh, wrong Answer!

***Matt avoiding the lock-up with the bigger opponent, a spell of tactically planned dodges by Matt Hardy, trying to avoid Answer.***

Tom: Stop avoiding the question! Or the Answer, as the case may be.

***He ducks, he weaves, he tumbles…***

Seth: He blows a simple move. Oh, wait.. that's JEFF's gimmick.

***Ben Stine: He walks right into that cloths-line!***

Tom: (Matt Hardy) Hey, who put that there? Ouch, and whos' tumble drier is this?

Crow: And the "Laundromat Rumble" gets off to a flying start.

***Kenny Bartow: Answer nailed that big forearm on Matt there, now he's picking him up with a front face-lock. He drives that forearm into Matt's back, dropping him to the mat.***

Seth: (Homer) Matt go up, Matt go down. Matt go up...

***Answer with the face-lock again,***

Tom: Okay, sure.. my answer is "The facelock again".



Crow: And that wins you a season pass to all EWW events!

Tom: D'OH!

***he backs into his corner, and the tag is made to Jericho. Jericho coming in under the ropes, and a huge double axe handle to Matt Hardy; and Hardy goes down!
Ben Stine: Jericho is shaking down Matt Hardy!!***

Seth: (Jericho) Gimmie your lunch money, Matt! Yeah, all of it!

***Kenny Bartow: Jericho tossing Matt into the ropes, and a flying knee will take Matt down again. Matt Hardy is dazed and confused…
Ben Stine: Great movie!***

Crow: It was better than this lousy squash of a match, all right.

***Kenny Bartow: Matt needs to make a tag to his brother, Jeff. Matt inching his way closer, but Chris Jericho will have none of that. He drags Matt away by the leg. Matt stands on his other leg, using Jericho for balance, he goes for the insegurri; but he misses!***

Crow: Seth, what's an "insegurri"?

Seth: It's a Japanese dish made of pork, tofu and mung beans, I think. Matt must be getting the after-match take-out tonight.

***Ben Stine: You're right; he does need to make a tag!
Kenny Bartow: Jericho making the tag to Answer.***

Seth: (Jericho) Is that your final, Answer?

Tom: (Answer) I told you to quit making that joke!

***These two showing great tag-team skills here, and quite frankly, I'm surprised that these two even get along so well in their promos!
Ben Stine: Well, they're always hanging out together now, and they have great chemistry!***


Seth: If this thing turns into a steamy sex scene, I'm outta here!

Crow: So are we...

***Kenny Bartow: Answer coming in with a kick to the exposed ribs of Matt Hardy.***

Crow: (Answer) Matt, your ribs are hanging out again... let me get those for you. KICK!

Tom: (Matt) Thanks, man...

***A quick bulldog will put Matt on the ground.***

Seth: Hmmm... I still think I prefer "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog" as a typing exercise.

***Rollover, there's the pin…
[One… Two… Kick-out]***

Crow: (Robotic monotone) One. Two. Kick. Out. Insert coin to continue.

***Kenny Bartow: Matt Hardy not ready to give up just yet! Answer with a whip towards the ropes, but Matt with the Irish whip counter, Answer goes into the ropes, knocking Jeff Hardy off the ring,***

Seth: Jeff surprises us by not making a mess of the bump.

***he goes running back to Matt Hardy…***

Tom: ...In slow-motion, with romantic music playing. Awww...

***And a flying shoulder block to Matt Hardy's chest!!
Ben Stine: We should start the Hardyz' eulogy.***

Seth: When we last left our intrepid MSTers, they were being forced to watch "EWW Rebellion"... Featuring a tiger called "Snuffles"! Fans of Seigfreid and Roy may wish to change the channel.

[Cut to the Theatre]

***Ben Stine: Oh, it's cleared… Look at them all run!!!
Kenny Bartow: Ally petting her pet tiger in the ring now.***

Seth: Woof. Sounds like a sexual euphemism... Trey would LOVE this fed!

****That's the best job I've ever seen at clearing a wrestling ring; she should be in security!
Ben Stine: Or a Royal Rumble!!***

Crow: Or in jail for First-Degree Criminal Stupidity.

Seth: Along with the EWW management team.

***Kenny Bartow: Stephanie McMahon now coming to the ring. She's a little hesitant about entering that ring.
Ben Stine: Can you blame here? That cat hates the VNB!!***

Seth: Vancouver Nut-flavored Beer? Me too... that stuff's so bad even TREY won't touch it!

***Kenny Bartow: And Mrs. McMahon epitomizes that faction.***

Tom: Sounds like bad gangsta slang... "We's opitomise the faction, yo?"

Seth: Word.

***Ally leads Snuffles out of the ring, trying to tie the tiger to the ring post… and Stephanie takes full advantage!!***

Seth: Oh, great... interspecies bondage and discipline! Is there no level the EWF won't stoop to?

Crow: Hopefully not...

***Ben Stine: She's tricky like that!!
Kenny Bartow: She pulls Ally's hair and tosses her to the mat! Now Steph jumps on her back and pounds away at Ally! This is too much!!***

Seth: EWW: We promise so much, yet deliver so very, very little.

***Ben Stine: Stephanie must have a 'mad-on' or something; she's on fire!!***

Crow: Stephs got a WHAT-on? What is she, the Billion Dollar Drag Queen now?

Seth: Now now, Crow... it's "Differently Engendered" these days.

***Kenny Bartow: Stephanie throwing Ally into the corner. She jumps on Ally's waist…***

Tom: And puts her foot right through Allys paper-thin midriff.

***and a rollover flip from the second turnbuckle!!
Ben Stine: Look at her go!!***

Seth: (Chris Berman) She's at the thirty, the forty the fifty, the sixty... Huh? Must be playing under Canadian rules, I suppose.

****Kenny Bartow: Steph goes to the outside; is she climbing to the top!?!
Ben Stine: Who _is_ this woman?!? That can't be the Stephanie McMahon that I know and hate!!***

Tom: Actually, she's a Stephanie McMahon Impersonator. Hire one today to show up at your next stag party and whine nasally at the groom!

***Kenny Bartow: Steph stands on the top rope, she looks down at Ally… and gets cold feet.***

Crow: (Stephanie) Brrr, I'm freezing! Oh, darn, I climbed all the way to Ottawa!

***Ben Stine: Haha, she's climbing back down!! Now _that's_ the Stephanie McMahon that I know!!!***

Seth: Hey, wussing out on a highspot! There's a tactic I have to try sometime...

Crow: EWW: Teasing Excitement, Delivering Tedium!

***Kenny Bartow: Mrs. McMahon apparently not liking that distance from top rope to mat, and deciding on a different course of action. But it took too long to make up her mind, as Ally is on her feet!! Ally with punches to The Billion Dollar Princess!!***

Tom: This is some Billion-Dollar Boredom we're watching right now.

***Ben Stine: Who's the animal; her or Snuffles!?!***

Seth: (Kenny) I don't know, I've never shagged Snuffles.

***Kenny Bartow: Ally with an armdrag! A standing missile drop kick to Steph's ribs curls the princess up like a ball!
Ben Stine: Cats like balls!!***

Seth: So THAT'S why Neige 13 is so fond of his cat!

***Kenny Bartow: Now Ally going to the top ropes!
Ben Stine: She won't chicken out!!
Kenny Bartow: And a Moonsault brings Stephanie to the brink of unconsciousness!!***

Tom: This dull-as-ditchwater match is doing the same thing to me!

***Ben Stine: That was beautiful!! I give it a 9.5… She was a little rough at the end.***

Crow (Kenny) Stop judging her sexual performance and call the match, Ben!

***Kenny Bartow: Ally with the cover…
[One… Two… Swipe!!!]***

Seth: (Ally) OW! What the HELL are you doing with that credit card, bitch?!

***Ben Stine: She just raked her eyes!!!***

Tom: (Ben) With an actual rake, too! Now that's EXTREME!

****Kenny Bartow: Stephanie McMahon with a rake to the champion's eyes with those claw-like fingernails!***

Seth: Stephanie McMahon IS the Medusa in "Clash of the Titans II: A Greek Travesty!".

***Ally is blind for the moment,***

Crow: She's the lucky one, then... we still have to watch this garbage!

***allowing Stephanie a minute to recover! She runs up behind Ally and delivers a big bulldog!***

Seth: (Ally) But I ordered a small schnauzer! How will I fit THIS in my Gucci handbag?

***Steph gets up, still feeling the effects of that moonsault;***

Tom: The Martian pepper is killer, too...

***and a leg drop to Ally clears the cobwebs!!***

Crow: Stephanie's tidying up, too? Guess they couldn't afford cleaners in this fed.

***Ben Stine: Back and forth, this one. I can't tell who's got the advantage!!***

Seth: (Umpire) Advantage, Miss Kournekova. New balls, please.

***Kenny Bartow: It's Stephanie McMahon with the advantage right now, as she goes for the pin…
[One… Two… Thr… Kick-out!!!]****

Crow: Did that statement REALLY need three exclamation marks? No-one could find this match exciting...

***Ben Stine: So close it was scary!!***

Crow: ...Well, no-one SANE at any rate.

***Kenny Bartow: We almost had a new Woman's Champion here tonight!***

Tom: Which is usually easier than warping time and space to have a new champion in Bacoyma, last Thursday.

***Stephanie McMahon showing us all what she's got in this ring!***

Seth: What's she got? Quite a lot! How much did she pay for them? PLENTY!

****She whips Ally into the ropes, and delivers a huge face-buster! Ally is on the mat again!***

Seth: (Ben) Lazy bitch!

Tom: Kenny needs to be replaced with The King, I think...

Crow: Why?

Tom: Because I could go for some Ben and Jerrys right about now...

***Stephanie goes for the pin…
{One… Kick-out!!!]***

Seth: (Weakly) Yay... there's more of this stunning match to come.

***Kenny Bartow: Only a one count there, Ben! Stephanie picking Ally up again, now. She tosses the current champ into the corner, she charges in…***

*Everyone mimics a cavalry bugle*

***Ben Stine: And juuuuuust a bit outside!!***

Tom: Opps, she missed.. Ally must have turned sideways.

Crow: (Steph) Hey, where did she go?

***Kenny Bartow: Ally dodging out of the way, causing Stephanie to ram into the turnbuckle!***

Seth: And there goes Ally’s wafer-thin body through the ropes, drifting gently to the ground.

***Ben Stine: Don't worry; Steph's airbags are functional!!***

Crow: (Ben/ALF) I kill me! HA!

Tom: I'll help.

***Kenny Bartow: Ally with a body slam to Steph! She drops the elbow to the ribs!***

Seth: Drop an elbow to Allys ribs, you're likely to get it stuck in there...

***Ally picking Steph up and throwing her into the far corner!***

Tom: Good throw! She's got an arm like Randy Johnson!

***Ally runs up; jumps to the second turnbuckle, wedging Steph between herself and the turnbuckle…***

Crow: Steph applies a bearhug... and look, her arms go around her twice!

Seth: Ally's the poster child for anorexia...

***Ben Stine: That's where _I_ want to be!!***

Tom: (Kenny) Well , _I_ want to be working for a GOOD company, so we're both out of luck, Ben!

***Kenny Bartow: She punches Steph in the face to the delight of the crowd!!***

Seth: ...And every smark on the Internet!

****[1… 2… 3… 4… 5… 6… 7… 8… 9… and a slap!!!]
Ben Stine: She bitch-slapped Stephanie!! This is great!!!***

Tom: (Ben) I've been possessed by Jerry Lawler! This is great! Puppies! *Girly scream*

***Kenny Bartow: Steph pushes Ally onto the mat from her elevated position, and Ally falls hard on her back!***

Seth: Nice to see HHH taught her how to no-sell...

***Steph going for a cross-body splash… She gets it!! She gets up, Steph looks at that top rope again. Will she do it?***

Crow: Will she put herself over at the expense of the talent?

Seth and Tom: Probably...

***Ben Stine: She's pointing at it!!***

Tom: Well, STOP pointing at it, there's children present!

***Kenny Bartow: She runs for the ropes…***

*Crow hums the "Chariots of Fire Theme" as Comabot slows the film down.*



***Ben Stine: On second though!!
Kenny Bartow: Too many quick movements by Snuffles, and the cat swipes at Stephanie!!***

Crow: And this would be the part where then entire script turns to gibberish, then?

***Ben Stine: The cat missed!!
Kenny Bartow: I think it was just a warning,***

Tom: Yes, it's a little-known fact that tigers give their prey "Warning Swipes" while hunting...

Seth: Very sporting of them.

*** but now Ally is up!!! She runs in on Stephanie McMahon… Santeria!!!***

Seth: Carlos Santeria?

***Santeria!!! Ally just got her finisher the Santeria!!!
Ben Stine: We heard you the first time.***

Crow: Ooh, a mild Zinger from Benny...

***Kenny Bartow: The cover…
[One… Two… Three… Ding-ding-ding!!!]***

Tom: (Jimmy Stewart) They say that every time a bell rings, a bad federations ratings go down.

Seth: The EWW should sound like a train going past a level crossing, then... DingdingdingDINGDINGDINGDINGdingdingdingding....

***Announcer: Your winner, and STILL Woman's Champion… Ally!!!***

Crow: (Announcer) Now go eat something! Have an Ally McMeal, for heavens sake!

***Kenny Bartow: That was a great match!!
Ben Stine: I'll give you that.

Seth: I reserve the right to call Kenny a frickin' liar.

***Kenny - It's time for another exciting match-up,***

Tom: Sorry, I though he said "Another"... I'm yet to SEE an exciting match in EWW.

***and this is one I'm really looking forward to.***

Seth: Well, you're the only one, Kenny...

***Jihad against Raven in a loser leaves town match, Ben this will be the last time we ever
see one of these superstars!***

Crow: (Ben) Lucky bastard...

***Ben - What a great match!***

Seth: Oh good, it's over already! I must have blinked and missed it!

Crow: No, I think Ben turned over two pages of his script at once...

Tom: Damn!

***Tonight we will see the end of that idiot Jihad***

Tom: (Idiot) The Idiot Jihad is over! Throw down your Weapons of Mass Stupidity!

***or the end of the Poe quoting moron Raven!***

Seth: After tonight, we shall watch EWW...?

Tom and Crow: Nevermore!

***Kenny - We'll this is sure to be a great match up! Lets get to the ring!***

Crow: (Ben) Why do WE need to get to the ring? We're not in the match...

Tom: (Kenny) Oh, shut up, Ben!

***Gray lights engulf the arena and***

Seth: ...Comabot adjusts the color balance on his projector.

***a cloud of smoke makes its way down the ramp and around the ring.***

Crow: Well, THAT wrestler needs to cut down his cigarette intake! I can't even SEE him!

***"The Kids Aren't Alright" by The Offspring starts to play over the PA system as the mist dances across the floor***

Seth: Interesting... the mist has better rhythm than Trey does.

***threatening to completely overtake the ring. Gray spotlights search out the entryway where the EWW Hardcore champion Raven stands with Rachel.***

Crow: Rachel Last-Name Optional, I take it.

Tom: (Searchlight) Where the hell did that entryway go again?

***Kenny - And here comes the Hardcore Champ Raven with Rachel!***

Seth: If what we've seen so far is any indication, this match should be under HardBORE rules.

***Raven looks totally focused on what could be his last match in EWW!***

Tom: He should be so lucky...

***Raven slides into the ring and takes a seat in the corner as Rachel stands on the outside.***

Crow: Ahh, it's a "Sit on Our Ass Until the Audience Goes Home" match.

Seth: I'll start the ball rolling... (Goes to leave.)

Tom: Siddown!

***The lights and the music die down in the arena and there is a short period of silence.***

Seth: (TV Announcer) There will now be a minutes silence to commemorate the death of decent programming on this network.

***The tense and restless crowd creates a buzz in the arena in anticipation.***

Tom: (Fan) Is it...over? Can we go home? Nothings' happening... I think it IS over!

***Then, "Violent New Breed" by Shotgun Messiah plays on the PA***

Tom: (Fan) Aww, crap!

***and the arena explodes****

Seth: Whoa! Guys, is blowing up an EWW show an act of terrorism, or an act for the good of humanity?

Crow: If it means this is over, it's an act of mercy, Seth.

***as Jihad Sullivan steps from behind the curtain.***

Tom: Jihad Sullivan? So he's a Militant Islamic Irishman?

Crow: Nice gimmick...

***"The Devil" makes his way down the ramp never taking his eyes off Raven.***

Seth: He's managed by Satan? This gimmick's getting better by the SECOND!

***Kenny - And here comes the self proclaimed "Ruler Of All" in what could be his last match in EWW. Ben can you imagine EWW without Jihad Sullivan?***

Crow: (Ben) Duh. No. Imagining makes brain hurty.

***Ben - I dream about that every night Kenny!***

Tom: (Ben) I also dream about your pert, rounded buttocks, Kenny. But the less said about that the better.

***What a great place it would be!
Kenny - HAHA! So you have dreams about Jihad?***

Seth: There's a slogan for a t-shirt... "Jihad makes me hard!".

Crow: Okay, ick.

***Ben - Shut up Kenny and lets get to the match!***

Tom: (Ben) Before the audience gets bored and leaves.

[Cricket noises]

Tom: (Ben) Darn, too late!

***The two men stand toe to toe in the center of the ring***

Crow: Ooh, an exciting Breakdance Battle is about to happen!

***and they lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Raven backs Jihad into the corner and backs away for a clean break, but then turns back around***

Crow: Raven got back. Repeatedly, it seems.

***and lays in a knife-edge chop that rings throughout the arena.***

Seth: (Theatre Usher) We would like to ask that you turn off your cell-phones and knife edge chops for the duration of tonight’s performance.

***The two men lock up once again, and this time Jihad backs Raven into the corner***

Tom: Back that ass up!

Crow: Which one's the ass?

Seth: They signed with the EWW, so they're BOTH asses in my book...

***and lays in a knife-edge chop of his own. He whips Raven to the opposite corner and follows in with a dropkick.***

Crow: And the tedium begins anew!

Seth: EWW: Sucking your will to live since 2001!

***Jihad leaps at Raven with a leg drop, but Raven rolls out of the way.***

Tom: (Infomercial Announcer) New Raven Rolls are available at all good delis and bakeries NOW! Only $2.99 a dozen!

***Raven gets to his feet and sends several stiff kicks to Jihad's leg.***

Seth: (Jihad) OW! Not so Jihad, man!

***He grabs a hold of the leg and drives his own knee into the knee of The Ruler Of All.***

Tom: And the award for "Dipshit Move of the Month" goes to...

***Kenny - It looks like Raven has found his point of attack as he saw the opening on the leg and is going after it.***

Crow: Aww, dude... that opening on your leg is disgusting! Isn't there some sort of corrective surgery for that?

***Raven brings Jihad to his feet,***

Seth: (Raven) Get up! Stand up! (Sings) Stand up for your rights...

***but as he does, Jihad goes for a kick to the gut. Raven catches the leg***

Comabot: Howzat! Spectacular catch in the slips by Raven! England are 3 for 127!

Tom: Eh?

Seth: Must be an English thing...

***and delivers a quick leg whip, twisting the knee as Jihad shouts out in pain.***

Crow: Just like we've been doing for the last hour!

***Raven gets to his feet and continues to lay stiff kicks into the leg. Raven turns around and looks at the capacity crowd as Jihad pulls himself to his feet.***

Seth: (Raven) Man, they're STILL here! I can't even drive them off with my least-interesting offense!

***Raven turns back around and charges at Jihad.***

Tom: Jihad II: Ji Harder!

***But Jihad is able to step out of the way and grab Raven and send him over the top and down to the floor.***

Seth: (Jihad) Ji had this coming, Raven!

***Kenny- Raven had the momentum, but Jihad just broke that as he tossed him over the top rope.***

Crow: Well, technically he USED his momentum to throw him out. But now I'm just splitting hairs.

***Ben - He broke Ravens momentum along with quite possibly some of his bones!***

Seth: (Monotone) God God almighty, it's a slobberknocker. Whoo.

***Jihad exits and slowly walks around the ring, trying to shake out the cobwebs***

Tom: ...And kick out the jams.

***and get the feeling back into his leg. After a few moments he walks over to Raven who is just now getting to his feet.***

Seth: (Raven) I trust the jams were sufficiently kicked out?

Crow: (Jihad) Certainly.

Tom: And the unstoppable entertainment of EWW rolls on like a glacier. At about the same speed as a glacier.

***Raven gets to his feet and leaps at Jihad with a cross body block***

Crow: (Raven) My body is made of springs!

***that sends both men crashing to the floor.***

Seth: (Jihad) Play dead, Raven, maybe the audience will leave.

***As Jihad hits the floor, he clutches at his knee, as it struck the barricade on the way down.***

Tom: So, Jihad can't even fall to the floor without hurting himself? Does this mean he's related to Kevin Nash?

Crow: He should have been wearing his Knee Guard.

***Both men lie motionless as the ref makes his count….

Crow: (The Count) THREE! Three crappy matches! Ah-ha-ha-haaa!

Both men begin to stir,***

Seth: Hey, a cooking contest has broken out? I wonder what they're making?

***but Raven is the first to his feet as he rolls inside the ring….***

Seth: Oh, they're making Raven Rolls! This fad is catching on!


Crow: (Slow-mo) Tttttteeeeeennnnnnnn.....

***Jihad manages to roll in right before the count of 10!***

Tom: And the crowd goes.... home.

***The two men trade chops until Raven kicks at the injured leg, which immediately sends Jihad to the ground.***

Seth: (Sings) Goin' dowwwwnnn... in a blaze of boredom.

***Raven pulls Jihad back to his feet and comes off the ropes***

All: Ewwwww!

Crow: Did he HAVE to? There's plenty of time for that AFTER the match!

***and sends a dropkick right to the legs. He goes for the cover….

Seth: Hurry up and win, I have to pee hard.

***Jihad kicks out at 2!***

Tom: Audience walks out at one.

***Raven grabs Jihad and shoves him back to the corner and props his injured leg up on the ropes and lays stiff kicks to the knee.***

Crow: EWW: We love long run-on sentences and we have really good matches and there's tigers too and you'll love it.

***Raven tries to go for a leg submission,***

Tom: It's a leg grapevine! The hallmark of any dull-as-ditchhwater wrestling match.

***but Jihad grabs him by the head and rolls him up into a small package and goes for the cover….

Seth: (Monotone) Oh, my heart, it cannot take the suspense.

***Raven kicks out at 2! Raven gets quickly to his feet and kicks at Jihad's leg once again.***

Crow: Kick. Kick. Kick. He must have been trained by Sarah 'The Jobber Slayer" in BOB.

***He lays Jihad down on his stomach and goes for***

Seth: The baby powder and a fresh adult diaper!

Tom: Gross, Seth. (To camera) I hope you're happy, Trey! You created a monster!

***a full nelson lock, but Jihad manages to turn him over and lay on top of him***

All: (Various sounds of revulsion)

Seth: Good GOD, my sport is gay at times!

***for the cover…
No! Raven kicks out at 2 once again!***

Crow: Crows' Log, stardate 32-26-36. Day 14 of the EWW Mission. Match still sucks, beer running low, morale non-existent. Same shit, different quadrant, really.

***Kenny - Jihad just refuses to give in! Even with an injured leg he is showing why he is one of EWWs elite wrestlers!***

Seth: Which subsequently shows why EWW's fans were often seen demanding three hours of their lives back after each show.

***Ben - Don't worry. Raven will finish this thing soon enough.***

Crow: It's already about an hour too long, but thanks for the faint hope, Ben.

***At this time the crowd begins to cheer wildly as***

Tom: ...They finally pry open the exit doors.

***from the back walks Szaban with a large smirk on his face.***

Seth: (Szaban) I just got released from my contract! Sucks to be you two guys!

***Kenny - Its Matt Szaban! What is he doing out here? He wasn't even scheduled to compete tonight!***

Tom: (Kenny) He's jobbing to the President NEXT week!

***Ben - I have no clue why he is here!***

Crow: (Ben) I have one clue, though... I suspect it was Professor Plum in the library, possibly with a candlestick!

***But Rachel looks enraged that he would dare interrupt this match!***

Seth: Yeah, they've got two more hours of tedious wrestling to showcase.

Tom: EWW's the Anti-Prozac of the wrestling world, huh?

Seth: Word.

***Rachel quickly walks around the ring to meet Szaban and the two quickly begin to argue.***

Crow: (Rachel) WhyareyoujhereIthoughtItoldyoutostop!

Seth: (Szaban) Don'tyoutalktomelikethatbitchorI'llbustyopuup!

***Back in the ring, Raven grabs a hold of the injured leg of Jihad while still on the mat***

Tom: (Raven) I'm going to twist this Knee Hard!

***and locks him in a leg lock sort of maneuver***

Seth: More specifically, it's the Front-Face Step-Over Something-or-Other Lock.

***and bends the leg at the kneecap and twists as Jihad screams out in pain.***

Crow: (Sings) Shake it baby! Twist and Shout, twist and shout!***

***Kenny- Oh my! I don't know what that is, but it certainly looks like this could be the end for Jihad!***

Seth: Great, even Kenny’s stumped by this move. What is it, the Figure-Four What-The-Fuck-Am-I-Doing Hold?

Tom: This fall, it's tea and terrorism as Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson star in "Jihads' End!".

***Suddenly out of the corner of his eye***

Crow: He's got square eyes! Freaky...

Seth: Too much television, I guess. That's what my mom always told me would happen.

***Raven catches Szaban at ringside arguing with Rachel.***

Seth: (Szaban) Tell Raven he sucks in the ring.

Tom: (Rachel) No, YOU tell him he sucks!

***Raven lets go of the move and walks to the ropes and leans over and starts yelling at Szaban!***

Crow: (Raven) I'm going to come down there and kick your ass and break your bones and over-use the word "and" and put on weird holds that no-one can identify and...

***Ben - No Raven! Don't turn your back on Jihad!***

Seth: Anyone else feel like leading a Crusade against the EWW?

Tom and Crow: Yep!

***Raven leans over the ropes shouting for Szaban to get lost, Szaban just takes a step back and grins.***

Crow: (Szaban) Dude, I AM lost. What the hell was I doing out here, anyway?

***Raven begins to turn to see Jihad struggling to his feet.***

Seth: If anyone needs me, I'll be listening to some Shihad.

[Cut to a teenager in New Zealand]

Teenager: Excuse me, but I should point out that New Zealand rock band "Shihad" changed their name to "Pacifier" last year for the U.S market and therefore...

[Cut back to the Theatre.]


***But Szaban reaches in under the bottom rope and grabs Ravens foot!***

Tom: (Kenny) What is that hold? I've never seen anything like that before! INCREDIBLE!

***Raven turns to kick at Szaban, But Jihad is now back on his feet!***

Seth: (Raven) Wait, I'm confused, are you on MY feet, Szabans' or your own?

Ben - Raven look out!

Tom: (Ben) Jihads standing on your feet!

***With Raven distracted by Szaban, Jihad comes up behind him and locks The Hardcore Champion in "The Devils Triangle"!***

Seth: Oddly, the Devils Triangle is a Trey-ism for a womans you-know-what...

Crow: What?

Tom: Don't worry Seth, I'll explain it to him later.

Seth: Thanks, Tom.

***The referee asks if Raven wants to submit, but Raven shouts out NO!:***

Crow: (Raven) Don't make him break the hold, it makes me feel all tingly!

***He crawls towards the ropes in an effort to break the hold, but Jihad lets up off the hold and pulls him back to the center of the ring and reapplies the hold.***

Seth: I think these long sentences are a form of anti-riff protection...

Tom: It ain’t workin'!

***Raven continues to shake off the hold until it becomes too much for him to handle and he has to tap out.***

Tom: Your new Hardcore Wuss, Raven!

***Ben - No! Not like this! Raven has to leave EWW!***

Crow: (Ben) The lucky bastard!

****Kenny - Here is your winner, by submission. And new EWW Hardcore Champion! Jihad Sullivan!***

Seth: Man, how much longer IS this show? I've just about jihad enough!

***At this time Jihad rolls out of the ring and grabs his new title.***

Tom: Also at this time, the audience is woken up by an EWW flunky with a cattle prod.

***Fade has now made his way down the ramp not knowing the purpose of Szaban being at ringside.***

Seth: Even Szaban doesn't know why he's at ringside, so why should Fade be any different?

***Jihad staggers up to Fade and Fade helps the new Hardcore Champion back to his dressing room.***

Tom: And we stagger back to the Bridge. Screw you, EWW!

[Door sequence of 1...2....3...4...5....6, we’re back on the SoL.]

Seth: Well, I guess it’s time for the final vote, huh?

Ed: It is indeed, Seth. But as a surprise, we’re going to bring back all the members of the cast who were voted out!


TV: Hey losers!

Seth: Aww, the asshole is back.

TV: That’s right you fucking cruiserweight. And I’m bitter. Let’s vote!

Crow: You know I never would’ve voted for you if it wasn’t for Seth, Trey.

Tom: Oh, yeah, Definitely. He brainwashed us!

Seth: Oh stop it.

Ed: Well, here’s the thing, Trey. You’ve got to vote off TWO members so we only have one grand prize winner.

TV: Oh, is that right? Well, then...(He starts heading for the bridge)

Ed: Oh no, no more of that secret vote. Just tell us who you want to vote off.

TV: Tom and Crow.

Tom + Crow: HUZZAH!

Seth: Great. What did I win, Ed?

Ed: An all-expense paid trip back into the theatre!


TV: Catch ya later, Seth!

Tom: Nice knowing you!

Crow: Repress those memories, Seth!

[Lights begin flashing. The camera gets all bouncy.]

TV: This Sports Entertainment Sign’s for you!

[A slow zoom in on Seth.]


Ed: And don’t forget to clean the set once you’re done! Ta-ta for now!

[Fade out.]

© 2003 iAd. The comedy train keeps a rollin’!

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