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iAd vs. XAW! (MST3K 3.2)

All Fear the Johnson Crushers!

DISCLAIMER: Does anybody even read these? The Red Sox suck, the Yankees suck and so does your mama. Anyhoo...we didn't write this show, we just ripped it off without permission and have made fun of it incessently. Anybody got a problem with that, call my gun. -Skeeter & Leary.

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!


Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...we open in the Satellite of Love with....Tom and Crow.]

Tom: Hello loyal Mystery Sports Entertainment Theatre 3000 fans.

Crow: Yes, hi.

Comabot: Poink!

Tom: We’re glad you could join us on this, our second show of the season.

Crow: That’s right, Tom.

Tom: Apparently, unlike us, Trey Vincent and Seth Harker have lives or something, and couldn’t be bothered to show up on time for the start of this episode.

Crow: No doubt they’re out there shooting up heroin and then snorting cocaine to offset the effects of the heroin so they can come up with plenty of witty jokes about another inferior federation.

Tom: You think they do heroin and cocaine? I thought they were only a couple of lushes.

Crow: Well, I assume, since they’re not here, they are no doubt on some sort of drug binge. Because they’ve shown up drunk to work plenty of times. Especially Trey.

Tom: I guess I still have a little more faith in our boys than you.

Crow: Oh you’re just afraid they’ll unplug your batteries, who are you kidding?

[A yellow light blinks. Crow headbutts it.]

Ed: Hello....uh...where are Trey and Seth?

Tom: Didn’t you just watch our opening bit?

Ed: Sorry, no. I was playing Triple Play 2001 and then watching some cable porn.

Tom: Aww, why can’t WE watch that instead of wrestling from crappy promotions?

Ed: I guess you could call this a fetish of mine. I love to see people tortured by watching bad wrestling.

Crow: So you enjoy watching men and robots tortured by viewing homoerotic sporting events...Has anybody told you that your fetish is most likely the most disturbing one on the planet?

TV: Hey guys.

Tom: Trey! Seth! You’re alive!

Seth: Just barely.

Crow: Why’s Seth on crutches? Geez, Trey, did Seth try to convince one of your stripper friends to become a goth again?

TV: No. Some cruiserweight action in that Beer, Sex and Violence federation he’s in.

Seth: It’s Blood, Sweat and Chairs. How many times...

TV: Seth is needless to say, in a bad mood.

Ed: Well, losers, it’s only about to get worse. I hope all four of you are ready for a mental massacre. In the form of XAW.

[Flashing lights and bouncing camera means we’ve got...]

Crow: Ahh! Sports Entertainment Sign!

*****XAW Wrestling presents........
A D-TV Production.............2-2-04
Monday Massacre!!!!!!****

TV: Wrestling for the ADD generation.

Seth: Yes, bring your shotguns and trenchcoats, as we go LIVE to Columbine!

Crow: And THIS show's off to a controversial start...

****"Liberate" by Distubed once again welcomes us all to Monday Night Massacre!! As the fans explode and the pyrotechnics spring to their feet!! ****

[Seth slides off his seat laughing]

TV: Wow, a dyslexic narrator.

Tom: Good gimmick. I can't wait until the Masked Timekeeper arrives.

Crow: And the drunk luchadore.

[Seth regains his seat.]

Seth: This could be a long day... beer?

TV: You sold me.

****And A-Bob…just f#cked that one up didn't he!? Well screw it it's too late now! Welcome to Massacre!!****

TV: Well, anything with the name BOB is usually filled with screw ups...

Tom: I'm sitting next to two of BOB's biggest screw-ups as we speak...

TV: That's no way to talk about Seth.

Seth: Yeah, that's no way to talk about me.

****And I tell you what folks, look at this arena!! It's spotless. That growing janitorial crew has really done a great job!! Finally they've found they're calling, huh!?****

Crow: They managed to sweep up all the piece of our exploding fanbase in no time flat! Good on them!

Tom: The arena is as spotless as a Hogan match.

TV: Wait, was that subtlety?

Tom: Maybe...

Seth: That's a first...

****Well lets get started off right and head…you got it. Backstage!!****

Seth: Wow, they're offering free head backstage! Trey is SO there!

TV: Any fed with free oral plans is a good one in my book.

****And backstage XAW cameras find the bane of Rookies everywhere,****

TV: Steroids?

Seth: Live interviews?

Tom: Triple H?


TV: Ah, Stephanie on the rag. Gotcha...

Crow: Lovely image, Trey. Thanks for that.
****The Lethal Tide is in the bowels of the arena, dressed in a full labcoat.****

TV: (Crimson) How am I supposed to operate in all this shit?

Seth: Perfect Storm II: The Lethal Tide! Coming direct to all low-budget video stores this week!

****Stethescope around his neck. And white rubber gloves adorning his hands. Well they used to be white……now they are stained….well…crimson. The camera pans down and we see that Crimson is…OPERATING on someone!!!???****

TV: Careful. Don't make his nose glow red or it'll make a buzzing noise.

Crow: Man, he's so ripping off that classic promo where Stan Hansen removed Cowboy Bob Orntons pancreas as a psych-out....

****Oh Lord save us all!! Crimson reaches down and pulls out about twelve inches of intestine. And I know for a fact…there's plenty more where that came from!!!****

TV: (Announcer) Yes, dear readers, I am also a serial killer in my spare time.

Tom: Man, Eds sent us the wrong tape again... I've SEEN this episode of M.A.S.H.

Seth: Well, shooting this show took a lot of 'guts'...

[Trey slaps Seth in the back of the head.]

Seth: Okay, no more bad puns....

****The Conflagrant One just haphazardly tosses clippings behind his back, allowing them to drop on the…remarkably CLEAN(I told ya they did a good job!) floor! Following the body from midesection up, we get to the…MASKED face of the body!!****

TV: So this is how the Masked Announcer makes his extra cash, eh? Donating unneeded organs.

Seth: (TV Announcer) One's an un-liscensed medical practitioner... the other's a re-animated luchadore! When they get together... wackyness ensues!

Tom: So if he's "Conflagrant", does that mean he'll set him self on fire soon?

Crow: Oh, I hope so....

****Awww poor Kid Krazy!! We barely knew ye!!****

TV: I think I knew him. He used to team with Sid Stoopid, didn't he?

Crow: (Crimson) Hoots, I appear to be turning Scottish. Och, aye.

****Crimson just giggles and continues tossing intestine clippings over his back. When the camera gets up enough nerve to look behind the Lethal Tide wesee…..amzingly enough…that the intestinal clippings have landed in EXACTLY the shape of tonight's card!!!****

TV: Yep, a big pile of shit.

Seth: Did I say "beer"? I meant "Large bottle of Jack Daniels and a noose"... This is going to suck donkey butt, isn't it?

****And I know Thrashing's card display was great…although it was a bit CONTRIVED…don't ya think? But you'll never see ANYTHING this gruesome…or completely random on thrashing I tell ya! Never! And if we can bare the image…heres what it says…****

TV: Reply hazy. Stop writing results. Hang yourself.

Tom: RIP! Oh, my good, the image is naked! What action!

Seth: (Schivonne) FANS, you'll only see blood, guts and wrsetling like this in... the fevered dreams of a pschopathic crack-whore. So stop watching XAW.

****Lana v Claudia (Lanas shot for the PPV match)****

Crow; (XAW President) Lana, we're having Claudia shoot you before the PPV match. You want to go in as the face, right?

****Crimson v. Mike Johnson
GreayHayze V. Ultimatum****

TV: Be entertaining or I'm leaving.

Seth: See ya, Trey...

TV: ... Did I say leaving? I meant drinking. I'm not gonna even dare see what Ed's playing today. Probably Shakira.

Seth: Nah, I hacked his computer and replaced most of the MIDI with the sound of an ADD-affected kid shrieking. It's actully much easier to listen to...

****Orphan Siville v. Vlad****

Tom: I hope Vlad gets to impale someone today... those damn censors take all the fun out of genocide.

****Johnny Killa v. Alexander Devoir(ladder match for a title shot)
And the main event……………****

TV: Please sign here and waive any legal right to sue for boredom.

****A Six man tag match cntaining more****

TV: Spelling errors than you can shake a stick at?

Crow: Six Men. One ring. No vowels! TONIGHT!

****former champions than the Roman Coliseum…..****

Seth: But because it's being shot by Coliseum Home Video, it'll be interrupted for a segment entitled "Crimsons' Fashion Tips".

****Leary Garcia/Sugar Stevens/Steven Kult v. Javex Valerius/Mailman/John Deere****

TV: Leary Garcia? What's that, a Mick Spick?

Seth: Well, apparently he's taking on a minor Star Trek character, a Postal Worker and a tractor, so it should be fun.

Crow: If Steven is really in a cult, he should look into mass suicide around main event time. That meteor only comes around once every 45 years fellas.

Tom: Mmmm... pudding! GACK!

****Now lets get to the ring….where its time for some girl on girl action!!!!****

TV: Woohoo!

Seth: Yes, wlcome to OLA... Overweight Lesbian Action! Bertha, mabel, you're up girls!

****Lana v Claudia (Lanas shot for the PPV match)

Crow: Yes, Adolf Hitler returns on Pay-Per-View, this Fritag, Fritag, Fritag!

TV: Furor. Massacre. Good God, it's all starting to make sense.

Tom: Any of our Jewish fans may wish to begin drafting their letters of complaint about now....

****"Sympathy for the Devil" by the Rolling Stones kicks it off and out walks the Blood Goddess herself. She hops into the ring and dances around. ****

Seth: I think he thong is too tight...

Crow: Please allow me to introduce myself... Because the ring announcer won't.

****"Bitch is back" By Sir Elton John is up next and the sexy Nurse steps out from the curtain.****


Seth: Wait, no it's not... Well, if we're lucky she'll lose her top like Nurse Heidi and make the show mildly entertaining.

TV: I should call BigBOSS, get our lawyers on this case for gimmick infringement. This fed must have about $20 we can get after taxes and legal fees.

Seth: We'll be able to pay XXXtreme Machine his monthly salary, then.

****She seductively walks toward the ring, those sexy long legs making the men drool. She gets up to the Ring and twirls showing off that body. The boys in the crowd are adjusting their pants watching this hoe.****

TV: I wonder why she brought that garden hoe out with her. She must work in the nursery! HA! HA! I kill me!

[Seth slaps Trey in the back of the head]

Seth: BAD PUN!

Crow: They're getting turned on by farm equipment? This show must be coming from Nebraska...

****Claudia is sick of the display and takes a Suicide dive out of the ring taking out Lana and herself.****

TV: It's the newest dating reality show. Extreeeeeme Elimi-date. Check local listings.

Tom: The match was called a no-contest, due to the Murder/Suicde spot. Police investigations are ongoing.

****She immediately hops up and slides into the ring. Lana gets to her feet as Claudia uses that big ass to bounce off the ropes and hit a modified Asia Moonsault.****

Seth: Man, and I thought that Skeeter guy had the worst spelling of "Asai Moonsault"....

TV: We're gonna have some disturbing Web hits on this one. Big assed nurse hoes.

Crow; At least there's no-one hitting the page while looking for chloroformed gay rape videos. Until now, that is.

****Bouncing off the top with only her toosh and flipping into Lana.****

Tom: What is, an incomplete sentence, Alex?

Seth: Its the dreaded Flying Butt-Butt!

[Seth makes a quick note on his clip-board]

Crow: Stealing the spot, Seth?

Seth: Ummm... no.

****They both are down. CLaudia is up again and slides the taller Lana into the ring.****

Tom: Probably mistook her for a table...

TV: I wouldn't mind sliding into Nurse Claudia.

Seth: (Baseball announcer) Treys going for third base... SAFE!

****Claudia follows only to get a swift kick in the melon.****

TV: It's the dreaded Hooter-Booter.

Crow: (Claudia) My complimentary fruit bowl from the Marriot! You bitch, if you so much as TOUCH the chocolate mint i found on the pillow....

****She whips the blood goddess into the far corner and she follows in with a Lana Splash.****

TV: Tonight's edition of Massacre is brought to you by the Bloody Slip-N-Slide. Blood not included.

Seth: Send me the XAW writing staff, I'll provide it.

****She quickly follows with the knife edge chops as the crowd erupts in "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's" ****

Tom: Adjust the audio, I think those were BOOOOOOOo's.

TV: (News anchor) Woos erupted at a crappy sports entertainment event tonight. 50 dead. Film at 11.

****Again she follows with the Knife Edge chops. The places that long sexy leg up in a choke.****

Seth: (Edge) Hey, when you're done with my knife, eh, can I have it back, eh? I need to cut the string holding my feet on, eh?

****Similar to Kevin Nash's Boot to the Throat. Again the men start adjusting them selves.****

TV: At the thought of Kevin Nash. Yeesh...strange crowd there.

Tom: It's no wonder they have so many cleaning staff... it's like a peep show crowd out there.

TV: Tickets must be 25 cents per minute.

Seth: Filty Raincoats available at the concession stand.

****The Sexy Nurse places Claudia up on the top rope. She starts to climb only to Have Claudia punch her in the head knocking her down to the Mat.****

TV: Claudia knocked me out the second I saw her. She can give me a sponge bath anytime.

Crow: Wait, wait. Isn't Claudia the Nurse? This is the strangest case of self-abuse I've seen in a while. She might be clinically depressed!

Seth: Munchausen Syndrome by Stupidity...

****Senton Bomb. What a Senton Bomb from Claudia. Lana grabs at her stomach and rolls onto her side.****

TV: I hope Lana didn't just lose her baby.

Tom: She did actually, but that was because she forgot where she put the kid in the locker room. Typical blonde.

****She rolls completely over setting herself up. Claudia bounces off the far ropes and Handsprings, up and DOWN With a Moonsault.****

TV: And UP and down with the CAPS loCK.

Seth: Trey could watch Claudi go up and down all day...

Crow: Cloudy? Wasn't that a man?

****Nice Move Claudia.****

TV: The detached cheerleader, everybody.

Tom: Ahh, "Nice Move" Claudia. Toughest chick in Little Hungary.

Seth: Hangs out with "Whatta Maneuver" Heidi, right?

****the quick cover.
......kick out.****

Crow: The long, hanging two-count.

****Claudia picks Lana up by her hair and irish whips her into the ropes. She in turn bounces off the near ropes and SPEAR!****

Seth: Comabot bumped the volume control again?

TV: I've been debating introducing a new twist on the Irish whip where I take a swig of Guiness before whipping my opponent into the ropes. Think that'd be too racist?

Crow: Not unless you call it the 'Drunken Mick Whip', and blow up any Catholic opponents....

****Claudia nails a Spear and she smells blood.****

Seth: Womans' match. Blood. Trey Vincent. Bad, BAD combo...

TV: Well if she hadn't speared her crotch using her nose, she might be OK right now.

Seth: Told ya...

****Claudia climbs up to the top and Blood Moonsault.....****

Tom: Isn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse?

Crow: (Spike) It's bloody moonsault. Tosser. Knickers. Bollicks.

****She misses. Lana rolls out of the way and Claudia grabs her stomach.****

TV: (Announcer) Fumble! Claudia recovers the loose stomach.

Seth: (Claudia) Tickletickletickletickle! Wrestling is fun!

****Lana is up and hooks her in for it. LANA BOMB and the air is sucked out of Claudia.****

Crow: While the entertaiment is simultaneously sucked out of the room.

Tom: Suck. Bomb. Pretty much sums up this one, guys.

****Lana gets her back up. She has Claudia up in a torture rack. Camel Toe time.****

Seth: Great a camel toe, live on television. Might want to go to the next size up in tights, Lana.

TV: She might want to have that looked at by Dr. Trey, amateur gynecologist.

Crow: No experince, but he have a look at it for you.

****And down with the Reverse DVD.
Lana makes the cover 1..............2....................3
Winner: Lana.****

Setj: (Nerd) I played my DVD's backwards, and the commentary track was a prayer to Satan...

Tom: Really? I like Latin Music, so I'm thinking of selling my soul to Santana.

TV: So, with Lana winning, does that mean she gets shot at the PPV? And if so, I'll gladly volunteer my services. I've got a gun cocked and loaded for her.

Crow: From what I hear, it's a one-shot Derringer.

Seth: The robot shoots... and he SCORES!

****Lana rolls out of the ring holding her arms into the air. She points at Claudia mouthing off to her. ****

TV: (Lana) Bitch! Ha, I told her.

Seth: Script by Vince Russo, additional dialogue by Lana.

****Gracie knocks her down from behind. And she continues to stomp down on her.****

Seth: And here comes George Burns! It's a re-animated comedian beatdown!

****Claudia is back to her feet with a mic in her hand. ****

TV: I hope that's a mic...

Tom: Nope, she has a Mick in her hand... And there's the Guinness! She's stealing Treys' bit!

TV: Damn you, Lana!

****"damn you Lana.****

TV: Hey! Quit stealing my bits!

Crow: Let me try! ECHO!

****Well, I hope you are ready. At Furor. It will be Me, You, Gracie and....................."****

Crow: Whoa, that's one CREATIVE echo....

Tom: A bunch of marbles?

Seth: Ants marching in signle file?

Crow: Very small M&Ms?

****At that Material Girl hits the air waves then suddenly Stopped as****

TV: My brain stopped working.

Seth: Madonna invades the XAW! Good Lord, could her career drop any LOWER than tongue-kissing hatchet-faced pop queens?

Crow: She could be the half-time act at the Super Bowl next year.

Tom: Like 100 million people HAVEN'T seen her boobs yet...

****"I AM IMMORTAL I HAVE INSIDE ME BLOOD OF KINGS" screams over the P.A. as out comes Monique.****

Seth: Those are some new lyrics for "Material Girl". I think Freddie Mercury is protesting from beyond the grave.

TV: That's not all she has from kings inside of her.

Tom: Kings, princes, that guy she met in a drunken haze last night...

****Gracie and Claudia continue their assault on the fallen Lana. ****

Crow: (Henry V) Once more into Lanas' breach, dear friends, ONCE MORE!

Tom: That came out sounding dirtier than I think it was meant, Crow.

Crow: No kidding! It's Treys fault.

TV: That's sports entertainment...

****The three Underground continue their assault when finally from the back comes Drama and Mangler****

TV: Aww, crap, Stephen King wrote a sequel.

Seth: They're followed by Tragedy and 'It's Only a Flesh Wound, Don't Pick at it".

****.......The three ladies jump into the crowd.****


****Ladies and Gentleman that is how we start.****

Seth: ...Sucking.

****After the match…….****

Seth: The iAd get drunk and pass out. The end.

TV: I like that story.

****Cameras fade in on the Lost Boys locker room.****

Crow: Corey Haim! SHOOT TO KILL!

TV: The room should be empty if they're really lost boys.

Seth: They have to stop tormenting me by mentioning half-decent 80's movies I could be watching right now.

****Inside Mike Johnson, Crusher, and Matt Manson are auditioning people to be Crimson's tag team partner.****

Tom: And we've joined them just in time for the swimsuit contest. Lucky us.

TV: (Mike) Now, if you were the president of the country, what would you do to fix the economy?

Seth: (Wrestler) I'd powerbomb the Secretery of State! Ooh, YEAH!

Crow: Crusher) Well, he's the best so far...

****At this moment…danny Bonaduce is standing in front of them, actually POOPING on a PLATE FOR MONEY!!!****

Seth: NOOO! No, you mother fuckers! Ed, I'll get you for this!

TV: So much for not shitting where you eat.

Tom: Wow, who knew Seth was a Brady fan?

Seth: I met the guy at Comavision... some XAW writer DIES for this!

****I knew that guy really would do ANYTHING to make some cash!! Mikey J loves it and so do the rest of the LB.****

Crow: Yes, the trick to getting over with the fans in '04? German scheize videos!

[Trey holds up a Poop = Ratings sign.]

****Johnson looks up and says, "Thanks for your time Danny. You're definitely a front-runner. We'll give you a call….and here's your ten bucks for the plate thing."****

Seth: Ten bucks? Those cheap fucks... that stripper charged us... uhh, forget I spoke.

****Danny shakes Mike's hand….EWWWWWW….and takes the money. Heading out of the room. As the door opens he screams like a girl and sprints down the hallway!****

Seth: Okay, that's Bonaduce all right. *sigh*

TV: All I hope is they don't put his load up on eBay and make a profit on it.

****And in through the doorway strolls….CRIMSON!!! The LB jump to their feet!!****

Tom: Atttttennnnnn-SUCK!

****But the site of Crimson….stained with gore…and carrying the severed HEAD of Kid Krazy keeps them at bay for the moment.****

Seth: (Mike) Dude, are you gonna eat all that? Seriously, I haven't had lunch.

TV: (Crusher) So, uh, you never gave me back my bowling ball bag from last time you chopped a jobber's head off.

Tom: (Manson) Dude, i just looked at your website, and it's, like, got blood all over it. Gross, dude.

****Crimson smiles, "We're up next Mike. Just wanted to make sure you were still headed to the ring, ya know.****

TV: (Crimson) Get it? Headed? To the ring? I've got a head in my hands! Bwahahaha.

Crow: Umm. I don't get it. Oh, that's right, I DO get it, but I just don't care. About anything the XAW ever does.

****I heard Johnny X went on the Disabled List….poor Krazy here never chose to go on the DL. See what happened to HIM!"****

Crow: Man, baseball's gotten strict.

Seth: Can we put this whole fed on a disabled list? It feels like it was written by someone who WAS disabled, anyway.

****Crimson stuffs the head into Matt Manson's hands and smiles widely. "See ya in the ring, Mike. And thanks in advance for this tag team partner search."****

TV: (Crimson) Now I'll only chop off your pinky finger. And maybe your foot.

Tom: (Manson) Dude, don't you want to see Bonaduces' poop? We saved it for you!

****Crimson heads out the door. Leaving Mike Johnson not only with Danny Bonaduce poop hand, but with a dripping severed head in the hands of his stablemate. Back to the ring….****

TV: Which is covered in blood and poop.

Seth: Well, the shows' been a load of shit so far, I guess they just got overly literal.

****Crimson v. Mike Johnson
At that The "imperial March" By Metallica nails the P.A.****

TV: And then goes and brags to all his friends about it.

Tom: Man, Pa's taking a beating today...

****and out comes Crimson carrying a duffle bag. ****

Crow: A duffle stuffed with Ruffles.

Seth: I think Joe Pesci was better in "Eight Heads In a Duffle Bag" than Crimson is in "One Head and a Moron".

****Oh God if he pulls out a severed head I am going to puke. The bag is all gross and seems to be dripping a goo from it.****

TV: Is there any bodily fluid we won't see tonight?

Seth: "Dripping Goo"? Whose head is in there, Jenna Jameson?

****Fat Lip finally starts and out comes Mike Johnson. he isn't wasting any time and immediately slides into the ring.****

TV: Oh, he's wasting time. OUR time.

Tom: (Crimson) Dude, you forgot your Severed Head! How can we have a 'Beat You With The Soggy End" match with only one decapitated head?

****He hops up and nails a hard Clothesline.****

TV: He's just mad that clothesline has a bigger penis than him.

****He follows with a power legdrop. he hops up again hits a standing moonsault.****

Seth: (Scotty) I cannae give him a legdrop, Jim! I DOON'T HAVE THE POWER!

****quick cover that doesn't even get a 1 count. Johnson helps up Crimson and whips him into the corner.****

Crow: (Referee) 0.0002.. 0.0003... and he's up!

Tom: This show makes me want to throw a cover over Comabots projector...

****Johnson comes in hard only to meet face to face with a back Elbow. ****

TV: (Johnson) Dude, I've never seen an elbow growing out of anybody's back before. You're a freak!

Seth: Face. Back. Elbow. Johnson. Too many body parts in this match.

****Crimson bounces off the far ropes and starts the Rolling Thunder and NAILS it.****

TV: You know what I nail? Chicks. Lots of 'em.

Crow: Nailz is here? Run, Vince, or you'll get choked again!

****Crimson hops back up as Mike starts to get to his feet. Release German Suplex and Johnson is down hard on his neck.****

TV: That was stiff.

Seth: This match was written by a Neanderthal, and features a Homo Erectus...

****Johnson stumbles to his feet as Crimson stalks him.****

TV: (Crimson) I love you Johnson! I built a shrine for you!

Tom: he loves his Johnson? Ewww.

****Homicide Backdrop And Johnson isn't moving.****

Crow: Well, if you kill him with a backdrop, he probably won't, I feel.

Seth: CSI: XWA! On NBC... It S.U.X.

****Crimson dropped him hard on the back of his head and neck. Crimson reaches down to help Johnson up.****

TV: He's helping Johnson get up. I'm disturbed...

Tom: (Crimson) Aww, crud, I killed him. This always happens. I should take wrestle lessons.

****MUTA MIST. Crimson falls back onto his back screaming as the black mist hits his eyes.****

TV: Wow, Johnson is a bulimic spray paint huffer. Nice gimmick.

Seth: Why do I see THAT gimmick in BOB one day?

[Cut to the BigBOSS]


[Back to the theatre]

Seth: YES!

[Cut back to BigBOSS.]

BB: After this MST.

[Back to the theatre]

Seth: CRAP!

****Crimson can't see and he walks right into a Head On Collision.****

TV: See what happens when you turn down the guide dogs?

Crow: (Crimson) OW! Dude, you headbutted me! Are you back on the paint-thinner again?

****Mike makes the Cover.

Seth: Seven. Oops, looks like the Generic Ref is moonlighting again.

****WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Al Sharpton just pulled the ref from the ring and hits him with a Knife Edge Chop dropping him.****


Tom: Did we wait long enough yet?

Seth: Let's give it another hour, the show might be over by then.

****He is here in St. Louis campaigning. Damnit Al Sharpton is here for the tryouts. Al Slides in and Mike looks a little confused.****

TV: Al's hair has been known to have that effect on people.

Crow: (Mike) Duhhh.. I thought you's was dead, Mr. Wilson?

****Mike charges and is hit with SKY HIGH. Al is up and nails a Head Bob Leg Drop. he then stops looks out to the crowd and WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO's****

Seth: Al's gotta pick his OWN gimmick if he wants to join the Exciting World of shithouse Wrestling...

****It Must be Ric Flair Night folks.****

TV: I guess this answers the question of what would happen if a mad scientist combined the genes of Ric Flair and D-Lo Brown together. You'd get Al Sharpton.

Tom: Free Ric Flair with every ticket on Ric Flair Night! Please don't throw your Flair into the ring, they're difficult to clean up.

****Al Sharpton has on the Figure four. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO VOTE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

TV: It's over, Al. You got your two votes. Just give up already...poor guy.

Seth: Ow! I think my brain just tied to strangle itself to protect me from the stupidity I'm watching.

****Al Releases and Mike is grabbing his knees. Crimson Comes off with another Rolling Thunder. LO DOWN. AL just hit the LO Down!!!!!!!****

TV: You know what the Al Sharpton and XAW's ratings have in common? They're low down.

Tom: D'lo Sharpton? Nope, doesnt work. "Nature Boy" Al Sharpton? Nahhh. Now, The Ultimate Sharpton! THAT works!

****Al slides Mike over to the corner. OMG.****


Tom: GFY?

Seth: Go Fuck Yourself... The XAW president will get the message.

****Crimson is on the opposite side of the Ring with a Chair. LETHAL TIDE AND MIKE'S FACE EXPLODES OPEN.****

TV: Were his brains made of dynamite?

Crow: So Al Sharpton is a Scanner? Explains everything.

Tom: Oh no, Bin Laden has struck again. Luckily, only a no-talent jobber died in the terrorist attack.

****Crimson pulls Mike out of the corner and Al rolls the ref back in. The ref starts a count.
Winner: CRIMSON****

TV: Losers? Us, for being stuck watching that crap.

Seth: (Ref) Hey, didn't this guy have a head at the start of the match?

****After the match….XAW cameras find Orphan Siville and Rem savrem making their way to the coomunal locker room.****

TV: Hope they're not going to have a comjungle visit.

Crow: Where they're met by Kay Sera Sera and Bob Ihaveastupidlastname...

Seth: (Buddist) Om rem saverem om! Om rem saverem om!

****This guy may be d@mn good but he sure don't get his own locker room yet! And neither does this man!! GreayHayze!!****

TV: But we did work out a deal where he gets two exclamation points whenever his name is spoken.

Seth: The XAW hired one of the bunnies from Watership down? Interesting gimmick.

****Standing in the doorway, barring Orphan entry. He doesn't even look up from under that hooded cloak.****

TV: Before I give you passage, you must answer these questions three...

Tom: (Greay Hazel) Can't let you in with those shoes on, mate.

****Raising a hand, with that crystal ball in his palm….a burst of BLINDING light flashes in Orphans face!!****

TV: Oh, come on, that was just a camera flash.

Crow: Yeah, I spotted the reporter for "Lame-Ass Wrestling Magazine" in the background.

****He stumbles backwards into rem's arms!****

TV: I hope that's all he stumbled backwards into of rem's.

****GreayHayze just mumbles, "Dodge me and you will learn."****

Seth: Dodgeball match!

TV: (Chris Berman) He's stumbling, mumbling, rumbling, he could go, all, the, way.

****And with that, GreyHayze heads to the ring where he's up next!!****

Tom: If a grey haze would just come and obscure the screen, we'd appreciate it.

Seth: You've heard Grey Haze talk, now... we have to watch him wrestle. And may God have mercy on us all!

****GreyHayze v. Ultimatum****

Seth: I've got an ultimatum for you... Close the fed or I'll hunt you down and kill you.

Crow: Ha ha ha... you're not joking, are you Seth?

Seth: What do YOU think?

****"Black Magik" by Megadeth begins and smoke begins billowing from out of nowhere!****

Tom: The fans set fire to the concession stand! Who like their popcorn cajunstyle?

TV: Black Magic by Megadeth? Say what? They had the song Five Magicks. Or Good Mourning, Black Friday. Slayer had a song called Black Magic. Frigging amateur metal-head losers.

Crow (Dio): Metal!

****Through this thick fog emerges GreyHayze!!****

Tom: Lucky his gimmick name wasn't Wall O' Flame, then.

TV: I wish I was in a thick alcoholic fog at the moment. I'd love to get lost there.

Seth: You mean you;re NOT? What happened, did the 7-11 ban you again?

TV: Yeah. Forget to wear your pants just once...it's so unfair...

****Slwoly and assuredly making his way to the ring. "O Fortuna" remixed by Apotheosis signals the fans to get on their feet and COME TATSE THE PAIN!!!!****

Tom: Pain. The choice of a new generation.

Crow: Yeah, if you can smell what I'm digging, SUCCCKKKKAAAA!

****Ultimatum storms down the ramp, sliding right intot the ring and tossing both arms high into the air!****

TV: But, having no arms, can't catch his arms on the way down.

Seth: Have we done that joke to death yet?

Tom: Three more times outghta do it...

****! The fans respond with cheers as the bell rings. The Big U comes immediately in with a Zipline!!****

TV: He must have some nasty rope burn...

****That GreyHayze ducks and follows with a swikt side kick to the knee of the former champ!!****

Seth: Hey, i thought I was the only one who studied Swikt-Style Kung Fu!

****Ulty drops to a knee and looks on as GreyHayze actually looks him dead in the eyes for the first time and…INCINERATION!!! Fire spwes from under GreyHayze's hood!!!****

TV: Can somebody get that man a Tic-Tac?

Tom: (Grey Haze) Dude, I set my own face on fire under here. Could I have a time-out and an extinguisher?

****But Ulty rolls backwards beyond the reach of anything but a little warmth.****

Crow: Ummm.. Earth to XAW? Any intelligent lfe there? Any at all?

TV: GreyHayze must have been a hit at summer camp when the kids roasted hot dogs and marshmallows.

Seth: And each other.

****Satisfied that Greyhayze is done doing his tiki torch impersonation, Ultimatum throws a big ol' hand around GH's throat and lifts him high off the ground for an End Game!!!****

TV: I hope that's the lead in to the End Show Now.

Seth: Yes, it's nearly time for the Start Drinking Now.

****Heading over the ropes, GH locks his legs around Big U's arm and uses the leverage to toss the big man out of the ring!!! The ref begins the ten count!!!****

Tom: One, two... Ten! Match is over. Ten! TEN! TEN, DAMN YOU!

****GH grabs Ulty and starts some chops to the chest, one, two, three, irish whipping Ulty directly into poor Jesus Decleux the Spanish Announcer's table!!****

TV: That table's only made out of mud and clay. It didn't have a shot.

Seth: Why is the Spanish announcer French? Mon dieu...

****The ref's count is at 4!!! GH sprints forward and faceplants ulty right THROUGH the table!!!****

TV: Stick a headstone on it and woila. Instant grave.

Crow: It's the Ulty Wrror! *snort*

****GH rolls out of the mass and slides in the ring breaking the count at eight.****

TV: Good thing. The ref can only count to eight.

Seth: For shame, leaving the chapel so early! Go back to mass, or Father McGuire will have to "punish" you...

****Pulling Ulty out of the rubble, GreyHayze lifts him into a signature Sleeper Slam!****

TV: So he signs his name and then slams him on it? Interesting.

Seth: (Hypnotist) Anddd... *click*.. SUCK!

Tom: Wow, they are sucking! You're good, seth!

****Right on the concrete!! Ulty is in some pain!!!****

TV: So are my eyes. And ears.

Crow: nd, should we find the writers, they'll be in pain too!

****GH tosses the former champ into the ring and he begins slowly getting to his feet. GH locks in his Black Magic but Ulty slams his forehead against that of the smaller man, leaving him dazed. ****

TV: I believe the term is vertically-challenged. Where is the fucking sensitivity in this fucking world?

Seth: Ahh, screw it... the midget signed with XAW, he desrves whatever abuse we heap on his half-pint ass!

****Ulty capitalizes and whips GH into the ropes and going for his finishing Burial!!!****

Seth: I am THIS close to making a joke about Belgian pedophiles, but I want this show to stay on the air...

Crow: Good call!
****GH locks his arms around the ropes as he rebounds preventing the maneuver and giving him the opportunity to hop off that top rope and drop-kick the oncoming Ulty!! Big U staggers backwards then forwards but comes out of it just in time to deliver a ZIPLINE!!!!!****

Crow: I was going to deliver a zipline, but I lost his zip code.

Tom: Weeeelll. it's the Big U!

Crow: Me?

Tom: No, U!

Crow: Me?


****GH slams the mat!!****

TV: That was rather unexpected. And very, very stupid.

Seth: Impressive strength. He should help the ringcrew set up.

Tom: Is slamming the mat like doing the Dew?

Crow: Or more like spanking the monkey?

****Flipping end over end!! Ulty just charges right in, pulling the magical one to his feet and Sidewalk Slam!!!****

TV: There must have been an three for one sale on exclamation points this week.

Seth: (Radio Announcer) Anyone heading west on I-98 should be advised that a jobber has jackknifed and rolled. Traffic is expected to be heavy. Except on the XAW web site.

****Ulty climbs the ropes and leaps off with a signature Panic Attack!!!****

TV: (Ulty) Why is everybody staring at me? Get these bugs off me! AHH! AHH! AHHH!

Tom: (Ulty) It's too high up here! AHHHGHHHH!

Crow: (Ulty) I'm in XAW! AHHHGHHHH!

Seth: Ahh, I;m too cool to panic.

Tom: This may not be the main event...


****Crushing the haze out of GH!!! He covers for a pin and the ref counts….1…

TV: Is crushing the haze like kicking the shit?

Crow: Oh, man, there's haze all over the ring! Someone get a squeege!

****KICK OUT!!!! GH kicked out!! And Ulty isn't quite finished yet!!!****
Crow: I am. Pull the plug, I've lost the will to riff.

Seth: You're running on backup solar power, Crow. Pray for an eclipse.

****U grabs the magical one and whips him to the ropes!!! But right into the referee!!!!****

Seth: (Bob Dylan) Ev'rybody must be stoned...

TV: Man, this match has featured more whips than at Seth Harker's last birthday bash, remember, with those S&M girls?

Seth: I had a party this year? Must have been good, I don't remember that.

****Ulty pulls GH out of the mess and again send s him to the opposite rope this time. I think its time for a BURIAL!!!!!!!****

TV: Nah, burial is too good. Let's just toss the fed into the woods and set it on fire. And piss on it. And then burn the ashes.

Tom: I'll go get the matches!

****And we'd still be thinking that if, GH hadn't pulled a hand full of some odd powder out of his pocket and thrown it right in the face of Ultimatum!!!****

Seth: (Grey Haze) Damn, wrong pocket. Someone get me a dollar-bbill, I'll just have to snort it off the canvas.

****The Big u stands there coughing for a moment...before dropping straight to the mat!!! ****

TV: (Ulty) That's some good toot!

Seth: I think he needs to cut it a little... fastest overdose in history.

****GH takes many moments to get to his feet, but it doesn't look like Ulty is goin anywhere! The ref makes it to his feet as well as GH, who makes the cover on the obviously unconscious body of the Big U.****

Tom: Think the ref'll notice Ulty looks like a powdered donut?

TV: Hmm. Maybe I should force my opponents to drink an entire bottle of cheap whiskey and then pick up easy wins. Of course...why waste cheap whiskey on anybody in BOB?

Seth: Make it Absolut vodka, and I'll job to you all year long, Trey.

****The ref counts….
Winner of the match………GreyHayze!!!****

Crow: And the crowd goes to the concession stand... Hopefully they're selling cyanide-spiked Kool-Aid.

****And we're stayin right here for the next match folks!!!****

TV: Damn, there's more?

Seth: More stupidity for your dollar! Rigjht here at XAW!

****Vlad v. Orphan Siville****

TV: Well, hopefully somebody will get impaled here. There's still hope...

Tom: If XAW logic holds true here, Siville wil dedicate the match to his parents.

****"Vampires" by Godsmack starts as the Lights go out. A Red Light beams on Vlad as he seems to be floating down from the Rafters.****

Seth: Some snipers got a bead on him! Fire at will!

****He sets down perfectly dropping his trench to the ground as the lights go compl,etely out and back up as Vlad sits in the ring waiting.****

TV: Aww, couldn't they keep the lights off?

Crow: Mark Callous would be preparing to sue, if he gave two shits for this fed and anyone in it.

****"The key to gramercy park" by Deadsy comes on and out comes Orphan, he's rubbing his eyes and looking not too steady on his feet.****

TV: I hope he was sampling some of that Kool-Aid.

Tom: Man, who's booking this fed, X-Pac and Juvy?

Crow: Trippy...

****He makes his way into the ring and slides in. Both men look at one another.****

TV: (Vlad) What the HELL are we doing working here?

Seth: (Orphan) Uhh.. uhh.. huh huh huh.. what? Dude. Trippy.

****The lock up and Orphan tosses Vlad into the corner down on his ass.****

TV: Hehhehheh, he said ass.

Seth: Now which guys the ass and which is the hat in this match?

****Orhan Comes running in but Vlad kicks up into a Hurricanrana sending Orphan hard on his head and his back into the bottom turnbuckle.****

Crow: When Stoned Guys Wrestle! Tonight on the Hideous Injury Network!

****Vlad hops ontop of Siville and starts pounding his fist into his head. He pulls Siville out of the corner and locks on a reverse japanese armbar.****

TV: Why not just hit him with a good old American crowbar?

Seth: Hai! Sugoi! Dekai ne chinchin!

Tom: We apolgise to any Japanese speakers out there. And Trey, we'll explain it later.

TV: I never heard any of the broads at the Japanese massage parlors say that.

Seth: Yep, that figures.

TV: I thought Japanese people all have a limited vocabulary. Like, 'you want sucky-sucky?' And 'Twenty dollah.' That's all they ever said. Well I'll be dipped.

****Siville tries to get to the ropes but just can't reach. Vlad hops up drops a legdrop onto the elbow.****

TV: And now he drops a fistdrop. And he kicks a dropkick.

Seth: And sucks the proverbial suckload of suck.

****He slides over and locks on the Crippler Crossface. Vlad is Screaming for Siville to give up.****

[Seth throws a towel at the screen]

Tom: Didn't work, I'm afraid.

****Siville gets into the ropes with his toe and the ref quickly forces a release.****

Crow: Did the ref just drop one?

TV: *Cough*

Tom: Did you just fart?

TV: Huh?

Seth: I knew we shouldn't have stopped for tacos on the way here.

****Vlad bounces off the far ropes and Siville is barely up and counters Vlad with an Overhead Belly to Belly and Vlad flies over the top ropes to the floor.****

Seth: Turn into a bat, Vlad!

TV: That would be kinda cool if somebody...obviously not Vlad since he has NO hint of cool, if a vampire walked around with a baseball bat. Vlad Soprano. Coming to BOB in 2005. Maybe...

Seth: I think the BigBOSS is grooming an asthmatic to be "Vlad the Inhaler", but that may just be a rumour.

****Siville slides out, Vlad is barely getting to his feet. PAIN THRILLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.****

TV: Isn't that what the little boys all call Michael Jackson?

[Seth, Tom and Crow recoil]

Seth: And the PTC starts ANOTHER letter-writing campaign to us. Thanks, Trey.

****Jesus Vlad is down Hard.****

Seth: Oh, he's Spanish. Yo, we down hard wit' Jesus Vlad!

TV: I hear he makes a mean coffee though. The secret ingredient is blood.

****Siville isnt letting Up as he slides Vlad back into the ring. Orphan sets up, and Has Vlad in a Stalling Suplex.****

Crow: That's the type Hogan used to do. Took nearly five minutes of posing before he hit you with it.


Tom: Well, they shouldn't have piled all the Plexes there! Someone could have gotten hurt!

****Vlad is barely moving.****

TV: Damn rigormortis.

Seth: Sarah Michelle Gellar should be making her run-in tostake him annnnny second now..

****Siville slaps on the crucifix Clutch. Vlad starts screaming in pain.****

Tom: Wow, just being in a crucifix wrestling hold burns vampire wrestlers. Interesting...

Crow: (Vlad) It burnses! It freezes! It makeses uses talk like Gollumses!

****Vlad finally gets HIS toe into the ropes. The ref forces the hold to be broke.****

Seth: No, break his toe to stop them stringing this match out any longer.

****Siville helps Vlad up by his hair and into position for a Major Powerbomb,****

Seth: Wait, here comes Sgt. Suplex makes the save! Private Powerslam is on the way as well! And Commander-in-Chief Reverse chinlock!

****Siville has him up and Vlad Drops him with a DDT. A samuri ddt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

Seth: Followed by a Ninja Neckbreaker and a Viking kick in the nads. *sigh*

TV: The Spanish Samurai Vampire. This is one deeply-layered gimmick.

Tom: Jose "Rashomon" Dracula...

Crow: Miguel Hirohito Lestat.

****Vlad is barely up but Orphan isn't moving.****

TV: Poor kid. Nobody wants to take him home with them.

Seth: The crowd is moving. For the exits.

****Vlad kicks Orphan over and drops a knee down onto the forehead of Orphan. Who immediately begins squinting as if barely able to see!!****

TV: I didn't know blindness was a side-effect of a knee drop. Huh. I should incorporate that more into matches against guys I hate.

Seth: Well, on the positive side, he kind of understands the concept of "selling". On the negative side... basically everything else he's ever done. Ever. In his life.

****Vlad makes his way to the turnbuckles and climbs up.****

Crow: Fall! Fall! Fall!

Tom: (Vlad) Ahhh.. ze heckler of ze night. Vhat musik zey make.


Seth: No! Fast-forward!

****From the crowd comes Rem. She has a chair and she slides into the ring.****

Seth: (Rem) Rem-ember me? Ha. I like my catchphrase.

TV: Shouldn't she have a mop and a broom instead of a chair? How is she supposed to clean up all the garbage in the ring.

Tom: You mean Vlad and Orphan, right?

TV: Of course.

****Vlad hops down as Rem tosses him the chair. SUPERKICK and Vlad is down.****

Tom: Shouldn't that have been a silver chair? Or is that wrestling werewolves?

****The chair still on his head, Rem checks on Siville who is up finally.****

TV: He's finally beaten that crippling depression. But, sadly, it'll only last until he realizes he's still working for XAW.

****He has been DQed but I don't think he cares. He climbs HIGH and DEATH FROM ABOVE. He slams his own head into the chair just to get to Vlad.****

Seth: Okay, kids. Don't try that at home. Adults, don't try it anywhere. Trey, try it t our next iAd party.

TV: Yep. We'll have to get one of the iAd's hoochies to wear a chair and I can jump on her. I better wear a helmet.

Tom: So, the match is over, right?

Seth: YES!

Tom: Whoa!

Seth: Oh, sorry, I was downloading a porn flick on my lap top... it finally finished

****Blood starts to puddle under Vlad and he isn't moving.****

Crow: He's having a snack...

TV: Somebody get Vlad a straw. He'll be thirsty when he wakes up.

Tom: I wonder if Vlad is on blood cleanup duty for the entire fed. Anytime somebody blades and bleeds all over the ring, you think Vlad runs out with a spoon?

Seth: Hopefully not, the only spoons are being used by Gray Haze and Orphan to cook up their pre-match smack.

****Rem grabs Siville, who also has some blood trickling down his chin from his forehead.****

TV: (Siville) Neener-neener-neener, you can't lick my blood off!

****"Underground" by Unwritten Law hits and out comes the rest of the Underground. They pace themselves not in a hurry as Rem tries to get Orphan out of the ring.****

Tom: (Underground Member) Wlak slowguys, the show's running short. Slower, dammit!

****Sugar Slides in First and immediatly goes to work on Orphan.****

TV: Scalpel! Sponge! Hacksaw!

Seth: (ESPN Announcer) Sugar slides into first... SAFE!

****Steven is next followed by Leary and Goodfella.****

Tom: Whoa, whoa, wait up a second... That looks kinda familiar.

Seth: God DAMN? Our writers are moonlighting? Man, and they're earning TENS of dollars working for us! Lousy punks!

TV: I never liked that Leary fellow anyhow.

Seth: (To Camera) YOU'RE FIRED!

Two Off-screen Voices: Yayyyy!

****Goodfella being the man he is checks on Vlad who is out cold.****

TV: (Goodfella) Aww, I wanted to whack him.

Crow: (Goodfella) he's out cold? Ahhh, fuggeddaboudit! Let's go to Mamas' place for anti-pasto and chianti!

****He and Leary help him to the back as Steven picks up the blood red tinted Chair.****

TV: The chair has been busted open too? That's just completely unrealistic.

Seth: In XAW World, ANYTHING can happen! Except for an entertianing match or a coherant interview.

****Gracie, Monique and Claudia have Rem and holding her down to watch. Sugar brings Orphan back to Reality.****

TV: Reality? That's a little south of Sanity, right?

Seth: The only way to bring Orphan back to reality is a twelve-step program and a couple of shots of methadone, I think.

Tom: Sounds like an intervention. Maybe we should all make statements about how Orphan's drug use has affected all of us here in the theatre.

Crow: He sucked in the ring and bored us rigid.

Seth: I second taht.

TV: I third it.

Crow: Motion carried, get him out of here!

****It isn't over as Sugar and Steven continue to pummel poor Orphan. Rem just watching on Crying. ****

TV: When did this fed turn into Lifetime Television?

Seth: Well, they're both boring and unrealistic, so it wasn't THAT big a leap.

****Leary makes his way back out sliding in.****

Seth: Nahhh, that's not our writer, he's too athletic.

****CRADLE SQUARE DRIVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE HIT THE FRANCHISE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

TV: Why was Shane Douglas out there?

Seth: Damn sticky keyboard............................................................... crap.

****LEARY'S TURN.****

[Long pause]

Seth: Sorry, i was waiting for you, Trey. Isn't Leary YOUR writer?

TV: You just fired him, remember?

Tom: No good at ad-libbing, huh? I knew it...

****HE GETS ORPHAN UP AND BAD MOON RISING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

TV: Leary stars in Teen Wolf III...The Adult Years.

Seth: (Sings) i see, a bad.. match, sucking! I see, bankruptcy on the way! So don't go there tonight, you'll want to end you life! Therrre, a bad match on the tube!

****AGAIN ON THE STEEL CHAIR. FINALLY "UNDERGROUND" STARTS AGAIN. They slide out of the ring as Rem crawls over to Orphan.****

Crow: (Rem) Your Mom called...

TV: I'm surprised the fed's president didn't come out and get in on the beatdown. It's kinda nice not to see a president on the show for a change. Even if the show does suck.

****Winner of the match by DQ………..Vlad!!!****

Seth: Hooray. Can we go now?

****After the match……we fade in for the first tim eon our president's office.****

TV: D'oh!

Tom: You jinxed it, Trey!

****Tony Stark sits behind his desk, sipping on a drink.****

TV: Mmm....beer...

Seth: XAW is brought to you by "Drink: The Generic Beverage!"

****Through the door walks, first….Goodfella. leader of the Underground and fresh from his beating of Orphan Siville.****

Crow: (Goodfella) Nice office you got here. Shame if it got burnt down, capiche?

TV: Whenever you're feeling not-so-fresh, try beating up an orphan.

Tom: Stpuid orphnans. Why don't they go back to Orphanland?

****Next….THE Drama. Founding father of Los Nemesis and constant thorn in the side of Goodfella.****

Seth: (Goodfella) What's that in my side? That better be a thorn, or I'll getting Big Louie to hurt you, you got that?

****Tony Stark looks at both men methodically. And takes another drink from his glass.****

Tom: (Stark) I can't listen to these two sober. Where's the rest of the vodka.

TV: Maybe this show would be better if I were drunk. And the screen was black. And I was taking a whizz on the film.

****"Gentlemen. As you know the XAW has been hard pressed to take another road trip lately.****

Seth: ROAD TRIP! Bots, load up the 'Vette with beer, we're heading for Florida!

TV: I hear Haiti is nice this time of year. Maybe the XAW could go there.

Seth: Remind me to teach them the Haitian phrase for "We're friends of your President.".

****Yet with the aid of mr. Styles we have arranged one for the Thrashing after the PPV.****

TV: Mr. Styles? Oh my god.

Crow: (Englishman) Yes, after the Pay-Per-View, all the wrestlers line up for a sound thrashing! Thank you sir, may i have another?

****Now your latest STUNTS in Honduras have jeopardized those plans.****

Seth: Cunning stunts?

****Now I am ordering you BOTH to pay equal shares for a new statue to be erected in Tegucgalpa and leave this matter alone.****

TV: He said erected.

Tom: And that statue shall be of ME. Tony Stark. XAW GOD! Muhahahaha.

****If either of you two men jeopardize MY business…again….you'll invoke MY wrath.****

Seth: XAW President Stark played by Christopher Walken.

TV: (Stark) Boils, plagues, locusts. And that'll just be in your hotel rooms.

****And you BOTH can attest that you wouldn't want to deal with that. Now get out of my office."****

Crow: (Stark) And get me another can of "Drink". Mmmm, that's spme generic-y goodness.

Tom: (Infomercial Announcer) Drink: WFor when you just can't be fucked ordering something with a brandname!

****Goodfella and THE Drama's eyes meet for a moment and both men leave the room without altercation.****

TV: And as mute as a Benoit.

Seth: Don't even use Benoits name in conjunction with this fed. It's an insult, brother.

TV: OK. As mute as a mime?

Seth: That'll work, I hate mimes, too. Except StreetMime. he's cool.

****Back to the ring…..
Alexander Devoir v. Johnny Killa (Ladder Match for a Title shot)****

TV: Drink. Official generic sponsor of the XAW Generic Title.

Seth: Crack open the Jack Daniels and we'll have a "Take a shot every time they say Ladder" Match.

TV: Sounds like a good drinking game to me. Of course, is there a bad drinking game?

****"46 &2" by Tool starts and the crowd is ready.****

Tom: To projectile vomit.

Crow: This federation is filled with complete tools, all right.

****Alex makes his appearence and they erupt in chants for the extreme preacher.****

TV: His favorite weapon is the barbed wire Bible.

Seth: All the Fundamentalists in the house go YO!

Crow: So if he's a preacher, why is his theme music from a band lead by a Satanist?

Tom: It's EXTREME irony, Crow...

****Alex slides into the ring to have his music cut short as Styles makes his way out to the ring. He looks down at Alex.****

TV: (Styles) OH MY GOD.

Seth: You're in the ring, yet I'm looking down at you. This is confusing...

****"We got your Fax Alex. And it seems you are correct.****

Crow: (Bill Cosby) Hey, hey, hey... it's FAXXXXX ALEX!

**** However you are mistaken about one thing. You have 1 count them 1.....not 2......not 50........1 f**king win.****

TV: In all fairness, Alex did fail remedial math.

Tom: He had to repeate the grade 1.. no 2... no fifty f**king times.

****You think you deserve a title shot. Who do you think you are? Chris Rayvon or something?****

Seth: (Alex) No, I think I'm a wrestler people have heard of and give a shit about, like... Al Snow!

****Tell you what. You get your ladder match. But the ladder is in play.****

TV: And that's different from a regular ladder match, how?

Crow: (Chris Berman) The ladder is in play... it's a FUMBLE! This could SUCK.. ALL.. THE.. WAY!

****If you win....You go into the PPV for the title."****

Tom: (Styles) If you lose, you go into the industrial drier on high spin!

Crow: I hope he loses, that spunds like fun!

Seth: I'll give you a spin after the show, Crow.

****Styles holds the Xtreme title up when From behind Johnny takes down Alex. ****

Seth: "From Behind Johhny"? That's the gayest gimmick since Chesta the Molesta.

****Johnny starts to work him over with stomps.****

Seth: (johhny) You're my bitch now, Styles!

Tom: (Styles) OH MY GOD!

TV: (Singing) He's a Killa, queeeeeen.

Crow: At least this didn't take place in the showers or the laundry room.



Seth: NOW we know who's booking this thing...

****Slex lands hard on his back and neck.****

Tom: Slex Sluger?

****Alex rolls onto his stomachand starts to get to his knee.****

Seth: Johhnys got the chloroform out! GAY RAPE! GAY RASPE! OH. MY GOD!

****He barely gets up when Johnny drops him down with the rocker dropper.****

Seth: Are we surprised he's ripping of Billy "I Did Chuck" Gunns moves?

TV: He's an ass man. Should've figured.

Tom: (Johhny) Come on Styles, take off your pants and get in here! I'll be gentle!

****Johnny keeps him down locking in a Head Scissors.****

TV: Good lord! This is getting uncomfortable to watch.

Seth: Could be worse, you could have been Alex.

TV: Yeah but still. This calls for Emergency Plan A.

Tom: We have a Plan A?

[Trey stands up and reaches behind the chairs. He pulls out a stash of porn magazines.]

Tom: Gotcha.

TV: Jugs. Cans. Ta-Tas. My three favorite magazines.

[Seth stands in slow-mo. Bextas' "Rising Sun" plays as he reaches for a magazine.]

Seth: Ahh, "Ultra-Cool Leather Porn". I haven't read this e\issue.

****Johnny releases and slaps on a Rear chin Lock.****

Crow: Emphasising the "Rear", of course.

Tom: Quite a thrilling LADDER MATCH here, huh?

Seth: I've seen more exciting Stepladder matches.

****Johnny is keeping the pace slow and that is probably the best idea.****

TV: Right, don't want to reach the climax too soon...

Seth: While enjoying this thrilling chinlock, why not have a cool, refreshing "Drink"? Mmm, that's.. a beverage.

****Alex gets to One knee and starts to work over Johnny's midsection.****

TV: Man, gay porn is less gay than this match...so I hear. *Ahem*

[The camera zooms in to show Seth is concealing a John Grisham novel inside his porn magazine.]

Seth: Back off, Comabot.

****Both men get to their feet and Alex breaks free bouncing off the ropes. SPINE BUSTER...Arn Anderson style.****

TV: Bald?

Tom: Punch! Hulk Hogan style!

Crow: Old and weak?

****Alex is down. Johnny goes back to his head and arm locking on the triangle Choke.****

Crow: Billy Gunn style!

Seth: Gay?

****Johnny screams at the ref to check him. The ref does only to have Alex say no.****

TV: Then they can sue for rape.

Seth: (Alex) No! NO! NOOOOOO, he's got a boner!

****Johnny again releases and slides out of the ring up the ramp and grabs the now present ladder. ****

TV: Just what he wanted for Christmas.

Seth: (Infomercial Announcer) The ACME Insta-Ladder! There whenever you need it! Buy now and receive a free six-pack of "Drink"!

****Johnny comes back down and gets the ladder on the Apron.****

TV: Hey, look, some funny person wrote 'Kiss The Cook' on the ring apron. How clever.

Tom: He'll have to wash that ladder off the apron, or it'll be unhygenic at his next barbeque.

****Baseball slide into the Ladder taking Johnny to the floor.****

TV: (Umpire) You're OUT. Of the closet.

Seth: Nice run-in by... uhh... damn, it. I'm riff-less. I gotta watch more baseball.

****Alex is laying flat still trying to clear the cobwebs.****

Crow: (Superhero voice) Dustbuster Boy will clear those for you!

TV: XAW...Unentertaining, clean, torture.

****Johnny gets back to his feet. Alex stirs and gets to his Knees.****

TV: Oh no. Alex, get off those knees quick. Wait...why do I even care. *Reads his porno mag.*

Seth: (Johhny) You got a purty mouth, boy. Start prayin'...

****Oh No his face is right aboive the Ladder and Johnny notices this. He puts his entire weight ontop the ladder forcing it into Alex's face.****

TV: (Johnny) Yay, less teeth to worry about later on. Meow.

****Alex falls flat on his back and not moving. Johnny slides the ladder into the ring and slides in himself.****

TV: (Johnny) Get in there, me!

Crow: (Johhny) Legs.. drop! Hand... punch! Punch! Punch!

****Again the havok Angel stirs rolling onto his stomach, Das UberStar takes advantage and Slides Alex's legs up around his waist.****

Seth: No, nothing to see here. (Tosses away the John Grisham novel, reads the porn magazine)

Tom: (Sings) Deustchland, Deustchland, uber stars, ja?

TV: I think XAW's booker has some issues he needs to address. Preferably off of public television.

****He bounces Alex's neck off the ropes and sits out an inverted Powerbomb PHREAKTASTIC Havok's head slamming down on the ladder.****

Crow: (Johhny) Ahh, i'm supposed to do an inverted powerbomb, but I think I'll sit this one out.


****Alex convulses as blood spills from his face and forehead. Johnny picks him up by the hair and looks down at him laughing.****

TV: (Johnny) You bleed funny.

****Alex is irished whipped into the far ropes


Comabots1-5: NEEP!

Seth: Man, I knew I shouldn't have let Comabot play with the spare parts.

****Out of Desperation. Alex has blood rolling down his face and a huge smile.****

Seth: (Alex) I DO bleed funny. Hur hur.

****Johnny is up quickly. Savat Kick and Johnny is back down. Johnny is again up quickly.****

TV: Man, this guy has more ups and downs than the stock market.

Tom: It's all the caffine in "Drink!" that's keeping him up.

****Alex is sliding the Ladder up and into the corner as Johnny comes in from behind to be trapping Alex between himself and the ladder.****

TV: It's the most messed up menage a trois of all time...

Seth: Man, the match was geting relativly entertaining, and Johhny has to go and gay it up all over again!

****He is holding himself up with the ladder. Johnny starts Slamming his head into the ring over and over and over and over.*****

Tom: Johhnys trying to give himself a concussion to get a few weeks off. Not that I blame him...

TV: Johnny Concussion. Could work as a gimmick. If he had any sort of talent, that is.

Seth: Wouldn't Johhny Concussion be ripping off Comas' gimmick?

TV: Yep, just like Perry Saturn...

Crow: Snausages.

****Alex walks out of the corner to fall face first.****

TV: It's a Flair Flop, minus any kind of flare at all.

Seth: (Monotone) Whoo.

****Johnny sets the ladder up right and looks to Alex. RETRIBUTION. BOTH MEN ARE DOWN****

Crow: Can we seek retribution against Ed for making us watch this crud?

****Johhny stirs as does Alex.****

Seth: (Johhny) Now we're gonna gay it up a noych! BAM!

TV: I went to a sports entertainment event and a cooking show broke out.

****Blood pooling under his head. Johnny is up as is Alex. Alex runs passed the still dazed Johnny to the ropes and SpringBoards off DDT2.0.****

TV: I hear the DDT 2.0's crash a lot more than the original.

Tom: He really should have paid extra for the DDT Pro... It has a full year of free tech support.

Crow: Too bad the match doesn't have Suck Support.

****Johnny is up barely his legs still wobling.****

Seth: The tragedy of early-onset Parkinsons Disease.

TV: Maybe he shouldn't have bashed in his own skull then.

****Last Rites and Johnny is down and On his back. Alex runs up the ladder and LEAP OF FAITH.****

TV: That move is no doubt dedicated to George Michael's favorite bathroom stall.

Seth: Now THERE'S a disturbing image. Thanks, Trey.

****Another huge shot onto Johnny. Alex helps Johnny to his feet.****

TV: (Johnny) Thanks man, I totally forgot where my feet were.

Tom: Alex must have trained under the Violent Pacifist. "Let me help you up after I beat on you, sir!"

****LOW BLOW. Alex is hopping around DOWNLOAD!!!!!!!!!!****

Seth: Man, hitting your opponent with a hard drive HAS to be close to a DQ!

Crow: That must be what that Spanish soccer announcer sounds like when he's frustrated with his Internet connection. DOWNLOAAAAAAAADDDDD!!!!!

Tom: This match reminds me of that film Trey was watching... the one where the guy Dowloaded his Hard Drive on that chicks fuzzy Logic.

TV: I so wish I was watching that now instead. That, and drunk.

Seth: ...er

TV: I wasn't driving occifer. We were all in the back seat!

****Alex is down Johnny gets to the Ladder and shuts it. He climbs the turnbuckle and jumps up Riding the Ladder toward Alex. He Moves and Da Phreak Catches Himself only to be caught with a Bulldog down into the ladder.****

Seth: (Johhny, high-pitched) OW! I caught myself! Ooh, that smarts!

Tom: I wonder if John-Wayne Bobbit can reccomend a good surgeon.

TV: I doubt that's the first time that dude's been caught with a bulldog, ya dig?

Crow: He's from Alabama, huh?

****Johnny Hops back and is laying flat on his back on the ladder.****

TV: I doubt that's the first time that dude's been flat on his back on a ladder.

Tom: Uh, Trey? That makes no sense whatsoever.

TV: Neither do your arms. But do I point that out? *Pffft*

Seth: Man, Treys getting random today. That's kind of albino unicorn, huh Crow?

Crow: Narf.

****Alex drags the ladder and Johnny toward the Turnbuckle. He hops up and PHOENIX SPLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!****

Seth: Arizona denies any connection with this schmuck. Even the Cardinals are less embarrasing thatn Alex.

****Alex is back up and hops up again.
FALLEN ANGEL. INVERTED 450 SPLASH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

TV: What the hell is an inverted 450 splash? He jumps out to the floor?

Seth: So it's a Shooting Star Press, then? Or is Alex in the Matrix and re-inventing physics?


TV: Hitler swallowed the Extreme Hardcore belt? That's...extreme.

Tom: Later the belt gets unified with the Insane Violence Deathmatch belt.


Seth: He's French! Everybody shun him!

TV: Let's throw Devoir in the reservoir. Because it rhymes. And it’d kill him as a bonus. Assuming he can’t swim, that is...

Seth: By the way, do you think most Americans know thier 'Freedom Fries" were invented in Belgium?

TV: Really? That's fascinating. Of course, I can only compare learning that fact to this show we're watching. But at this moment in time, I'm fascinated, Seth.

Seth: You're welcome, partner. And now, more boring XAW matches.

****Ok folks we're getting right to the main event here!!! A six man tag team event that should blow the roof off the place!!!****

TV: Hopefully killing every employee of XAW in the process.

Crow: And if that doesn't do it, the twister heading for town should complete the job.


All: (Weakly) Yay!

****"Underground" by Unwritten Law hits the P.A. and the crowd starts to boo. Out walks the unity, the triangle of Terror.****

TV: Give it up for al-Qaida everybody!

Tom: Dubyas' going to order an air-strike on the arena! This show DOES have a happy ending!

****Out walks Leary Garcia, Steven A. Kult, and Sugar Stevens.****

Seth: Hmmm, one Leary and two Stevens. I sense a rib at our writers expense.

Crow: So the team is an Irish Mexican, a cult leader and a featherweight boxer? That's a styles clash if I ever saw one.

****Wait from the crowd!****

TV: They're waiting for real main eventers.

Tom: They'll be waiting a long, LONG time.

****Mike Johnson and Crusher come out from the crowd and take down Sugar. Leary and Steven are taken off guard.****

TV: Somebody must have asked them if their results would be on time. That always catches Steve and Leary off-guard...

Seth: This team should be called the "Johnson Crushers". No-one would want to wrestles them, right?

Crow: That would take too much creativity, though, Seth. You forget what we're watching here?

Seth: I'll be trying to forget this for DAYS, brother.

****CRusher takes Steven down with a hardf clothesline and out runs Deere and Javex Crusher and Mike work over Sugar and toss him into the crowd.****

Tom: XAW Sucrose Night: Free sugar for every fan!

****Deere takes on the fallen Steven and nails a couple of hard shots to Stevens head. Leary gets involved and pulls Deere off tossing him also into the crowd on the other side of Sugar and The Lost Boys.****

TV: Now they're throwing John Deere products into the crowd? Sheesh. Talk about desperation.

Seth: Less of a Main Event, more of a Mosh Pit.

Crow: The Lost Boys are in the house! someone beat up Corey Haim!

****Javex uses the rail as a springboard and wraps his legs around Leary's neck taking him down with a Hurricanrana.*****

TV: Stand back! There's a Hurricanrana coming through!

Seth: Next week, watch Javex bust out the little-known Tornado Hurricanrana!

Crow: Steven would come to Learys rescue, but he's too busy burning illegal copies of Tadpole CD's...

Tom: Great, a joke two people on the PLANET are going to get.

****Johnson and Crusher lead Steven to bathroom. They toss him into the john and follow him in.****

TV: Did Tarrantino write this bit?

[Seth falls off his chair laughing]

Crow: Pool party! In the john! Last one in is a rotton-smelling egg!

****They play lawn darts as they toss Steven head first into the mirror splitting him open.****

Tom: You were right, he IS an egg! And they just cracked him!

TV: At least they're not spreading him open.

****They slam his head into the sink. Sugar's head stains the sink.****

Seth: Actually, with the state of the arenas XAW books, they probably cleaned it, more like.

****The lights go out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

All: Hooray!

Crow: Show's over, let's go...

****Javex picks Leary up by the hair and slides him into the ring.****

Tom: Way to jinx it, Crow!

Seth: Leary quickly re-books the match to take control, then stops to cut a profanity-laced promo.

TV: Oh yeah? Well...Steve is busy getting Pulp Fictioned in the back so he can't even finish his part of the match!

Crow: Well, at least leary will have the match over quickly. If steve gets in there it'll last eight weeks and have a screwjob ending.

****Javex follows with a Leaping Leg Drop.****

TV: Hey! He just stole Leary's favorite move...his ONLY move!

Tom: (Li'l Orphan Annie) Leaping Legdrops, Sandy!

****Javex looks around for everyone else. HACKY SACK TOSS.****

Seth: This is no time for a Hackey Sack game! Finish the match so we can go get drunk!

TV: Ah, that brings back memories of high school.

Tom: Playing hackey sack?

TV: No, getting drunk.

Seth: You HAVE memories of high school? I'm impressed.

TV: Well, I was drinking to forget back then.

Crow: Forget what?

TV: I don't know, I forgot what I was trying to forget.

****Leary grabs at his back and mouths "Damn he is fat"****

Seth: Learys mommas' so fat....

Tom: How fat is she?

Seth: Well, they once showed a home movie on the back of her wedding dress.

TV: In all fairness, Leary's back is hurting because he just moved. And, damn! He is fat....wait...I've got something else coming in spontaneously into my brain...fuck you, Seth. Huh? Stop feeding me lines, Leary, I'm not your puppet.

Seth: Just wait until he scripts the next iAd promo. We are SO dead...

****"PAINT IT BLACK" Hits and out runs the Mailoman. Leary is calling for him to come in.............****

TV: The Irish mailman? Mail O'Man?

Seth: (Mailoman) Begorra, I'm feeling disgruntled! Where's me spud gun!

Crow: It's a mugging! Call a policeoman!

****Deere and Steven are trading fist with Deere.****

Tom: (Deere) Stop hitting myself! Stop hitting myself!

TV: Deere better get a draft pick out of the deal. His hands aren't getting any younger.

Seth: (Newsreader) Trading on the Fist Market was brisk today, until rampant stupidity dragged stocks lower at the end of the day.

****They have worked their way over to the scaffolding where some of our cameras rest.****

Crow: The cameras must be all tuckered out.

****Steven whips Deere into the scaffolding and he holds himself up. Steven follows with a couple of rights to the back of his head. He grabs his hair and slams his head into the metal pipes.****

Seth: Yep, that's my writer, all right. Punching like a girl.

TV: They must have raided the padded rooms of America to find this great roster of self-abusing losers.

****Deere, I am guessing trying to escape starts to climb......*****

Tom: The match, I am guessing, was written by a brain-damaged orangutan.

TV: Or whoever wrote the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Tom: That's what I just said.

****The lights come back on and Crimson is standing over Mike again pummeling him.****

Seth: I liked it better with the lights off.

TV: Yeah, your mother said that about you...

Tom: TAG!

Off-screen voice: MWAHAHAHAHA! GOTCHA!

Seth: We HAVE to ban our writers from the theatre.

****Crusher finally figuring out what is going on grabs Crimson and tosses him into a Stall Johnson and Crusher Make their way out leaving Steven a bloody mess.****

Crow: (Crusher) Dude, I totally crushed that guys' Johnson!

Seth: I wonder if this ever happened in real life to my writer. It might explain all the bitterness and angst he writes for me.

****Leary turns around and****

TV: Seth Harker hits a 364-degree semicircular hurricanrana bomb corkscrew.

Seth: Inverted.

Tom: Leary responds with a legdrop. Of course.

Crow: And a month-long vacation.

Seth: He shoots, HE SCORES!

****FINAL DELIVERY FROM Javex. Leary is down.****

Crow: Shouldn't that be Mailomains' move? Or would he do the Final O' Delivery?

****WAIT FINAL DELIVERY FROM MAILMAN ONTO JAVEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!****

Crow: I was right! I think. This match is more confusing than a drunken Trey Vincent promo.

TV: Seth, you up for a game of lawn darts? I'm thinking Crow would make a mighty nice dart...

Seth: Sounds like fun...

****Mailman then picks up Leary and nails a special delivery.****

Seth: The delivery never arrives at Leary’s place, so i guess he no-sells it.

TV: (Leary) Hey, I've been waiting for this package from New Zealand. You have any clue where it might be, Mailman?

Crow: Is this a private joke, or can we join in??

Tom: (Mailomain) I'm-o bored-o, Javex-o. Later-o!

****HOLY SH!T Deere and Steven are exchanging punches ontop of the scaffolding.****

Seth: Man, if I give Steve a quarter will he buy another move?


Tom: Flammable crowds have no place around exploding equipment.

TV: Burn, baby, burn.


Seth: Load of SHIT! Load of SHIT!

****Mailman picks up Javex****

Crow: Most mailmen don't make pickups these days. Must be a small town mailoman.

TV: (Mailoman) Are you part Irish?

Tom: (Javex) No.

TV: (Mailoman) Well, would you like a little Irish in you?

Seth: Jaysus...

***FINAL DELIVERY !!!!!!!!!!!!****

Seth: And this is hopefully the FINAL final delivery...

****Winner of the match………NO MATCH****

TV: That certainly qualifies at not a match, for sure.

Seth: If Ed hadn't stolen this tape, I'd demand our money back.


Tom: See you in hell, XAW!

Crow: Don't be late!

[1...2...3....4...5...6....back on the SOL, which is, empty. Except for a note: THE END! Suck on THAT anticlimax!]

© 2004 iAd Entertainment. A week late and a drink short.

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