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iAd vs. XIW & TXWF! (MST3K 4.1)

Beware of 'absolute penetration'!

DISCLAIMER: Ahh, another year has arrived. Yes, we stole this material from somebody's Web site, but my money is on the fact that if you're one of the geniuses who wrote this crap, you're a 13-year-old, you didn't pay the copyright fee...and hell...even if you did, you won't be able to find us before we change our names and head to Sweden. -Skeeter & Leary.

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!

[SCENE MISSING.]

Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

Seth: Hello, and welcome to the first installment of "Seth Harkers' Unfortunate Advertising Campaigns". As well all know, the secret to a really good e-wrestling federation is talent. And as we ALSO know, attracting that talent is seldom easy. Thus, the birth of the "Top 'Insert Staggeringly Huge Number' E-Fed" list. These allow budding fed-heads the chance to let us know what we're in for should we join their organisations.

[Seth pauses, a faint smile on his lips]

Seth: For some of the federations, this was their first mistake. Let's have a look at a few less-than-excellent advertising campaigns, shall we?

Agressive Zone

***We are a great new efed looking for some good, hot talent coming through the ranks. We accept all good roleplayer's. Sizzled veterants and new people to the efed world. so come over to [aggressive zone] today.***

Seth: Well, not a bad attempt, but my question for this team is... what exactly IS a "Sizzled Veteran"? A wrestler who participates in a lot of Inferno Matches, perhaps?

SWE

***the swe right now is at war with ewe and i need more people to join so please come i beg you please!oh and if you jin you get a title shot yourfirst match!***

Seth: Interesting. Apparrently the SWE has some sort of conflict brewing with a sheep. I also like the near-desperation shown by the presidents begging. But, if your name is "Jin", your push seems assured. Our next groups advert is a shade more convoluted. So, let's take dissect it a bit at a time..

the extreme force e-fed

***this efed will bring you to the mean of extreme wrestling***

Seth: So apparently, this is the most average "Extreme" federation out there. Not the best of starts, I'm afraid.

***im not very good at pics but i will garantee you the matches that is very good and brutal***

Seth: Not very good at pictures, and words don't seem to be be his forte either. Maybe he should try a series of hand guestures and grunts next time?

***and this efed runs on roleplay and angles and wrestlers***

Seth: As opposed to the wrestling federations that run on the barter system.

***i dont care if it is original or real who dosent give a damm***

Seth: Well, I don't give a damn, and I'm pretty sure Treys fairly ambivalent, too. So that's two, plus pretty much the rest of the known universe who couldn't give a damn about the Extreme Force E-Fed.

***because i will show a new meaning of hardcore rules***

Seth: Fine. I'll see his hardcore rules, and raise him a strap match. Next

uWa

***well i could sit and tel ya what i think but id rather hear what you think so check us out.***

Seth: I like to tell him what I thought of his advert, but this MST is only rated PG-13. So therefore, Standards and Practices won't let me. Our next group seemed a little better prepared than some of the other.

VWA

***We got Flash,We got Poser, and much much more.... We are also a part of Fedwars.net. We are going on a year and half being open, and we have no intentions of stopping.***

Seth: Sadly, the link led to an amusing Angelfire 404 error page. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, after all. Onwards!

International Championship Wrestling

****From the origianl owners of EPW comes ICW.***

Seth: I originally thought this meant the owners of ICW were clever constructions made of folded paper.

***6 Titles, 2 shows and monthly PPV. The EPW on the Roughkut site is also ours but the site is crapped up so take no notice of it***

Seth: Reading on, I discover they had somehow mangled their own website so badly, they'd had to create an entirely new one. Somehow, I find myself NOT filled with confidence.

RWF

***We're not just over the edge; we ARE the Edge!***

Seth: Adam Copeland begs to differ, eh?

***Join now! Friendly staff, written results, 1 show a week and 1 ppv a month. We want more members!***

Seth: If I was Trey, there would be a smutty joke about the RWF's collective genitalia about now. Lucky for you, I'm the restrained one of the duo.

***What're you waiting for? Join ASAP!***

Seth: Wait, I thought this advert was for the RWF? And try as I might, I haven't been able to find this ASAP federations website.

***Prez Raven Guerrerra.***

Seth: (RWA Spokesman) We're not sure whether to fire him or push him!

***Commissioner Scarlett Baby.***

Seth: Folks, if your baby turns scarlett, take the kid to a doctor. I mean it!

***Titles up for grabs. You want 'em? Come and get 'em! RWF, the Raving Wrestling Federation!!!***

Seth: RWA: Certified Insane since 1999! I found this next group on two boards. Let's check out BOTH their advertising campaigns!

PrimeTime Wresting Federation

***a great fed that will be the best when i get some wrestlers and staff memebers!the best results will***

Seth: So, he's got no-one working for him, no-one has joined, and we're not even sure what's going to happen with the "best results" due to some sloppy editing. I admit to being skeptical about the "best federation" promise. Here's their second attempt.

***a kick ass fed that will be great.we were alive before and now we are back.come and join today real and fake wrestlers allowed.it will be the best ou!***

Seth: They're back from the... well, life, it appears. We now know it will be the best "ou", whatever that is. I remain skeptical.

Dark Echo Wrestling

***No efed, original wrestlers only. If you are not devoted we don't want you.***

Seth: So if there's no e-fed, why are they bothering to advertise it?

WWA

***WWA is a real and fake board roleplaying federation need members***

Seth: The WWA is real! Their roleplaying board appears to be imaginary, however. That'll make it hard to flame other AoLers, I'd imagine.

USWA

***The old USWA crashed and burned last time, now with the same president when it crashed, the USWA is having another run at it! 1 card a week, 1 PPV a month.***

Seth: Rejected slogans included... "USWA: Under the Same Incompetent Management as last Time!" and "USWA: No, we HAVEN'T Got a Clue Yet!".

Rock Bottom Wrestling

***RBW Attitude, No One Get's It.***

Seth: I don't get it...

TWWF

***This it the best damn fed you will ever see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!***

Seth: WOW! Look at all those exclamation remarks! It MUST be exciting! Sign me up! Sheesh.

XHW

***A new e-fed runned by two great Roleplayers. Uses Zues Simulator. We are X-treme!!!***

Seth: Sadly, all their handlers took one look at the idiocy spewed from the "Zues" simulator and runned the hell away.

EWF
***EWF Is the only Copy writed EWF, and Frankly Were Perfection!***

Seth: Yes, they WERE perfection. Until they mis-spelled the contraction for "we are". I love unintentional irony.

XHWA

***Best f*cking fed on the net***

Seth: XHWA: All f*cking, all the f*cking time. No wrestling, though. Just f*cking. And finally, an example of a truley effective advertising campaign.

Feudal Wrestling Association

Getting Medieval on your ass!

Seth: Now THAT'S a tagline! For "Mystery Sports Entertainment Theatre 3000", I'm Seth Harker, returning you to your regularly scheduled MSTs.

[We cut to the theatre. The foursome of Tom, Seth Harker, Trey Vincent and Crow file in and take their seats.]

TV: I can't believe they double booked the SoL today.

Tom: Well, it has been over a year since you guys used it. You lost your spot.

SH: We've been busy. With our apathy.

TV: Yeah.

Crow: Tough noogies. Now WE pay because we don't get a break to leave the theatre until it's all over.

Tom: Yeah, thanks for coming back guys. Really.

Crow: Yeah, we weren't lonely or anything.

TV: Well that's good.

Crow: Do you have any idea what sarcasm is?

[The lights dim.]

TV: Ah crap. I forgot how bad this part sucks!

SH: Strap yourself in. It's gonna be a ride from hell.

****Xtreme International Wrestling
raw will be war sunday results****

TV: And don't you dare miss Jihad will be Dahij every Wednesday.

Crow: Followed by Police Action is Noitca Ecilop Thursday Night!

****The raw theme starts and the the ****

TV: Stuttering st-st-st-starts.

Seth: Comabot, you're not the Breakdance Inferno anymore. Tell DJ Uhhh to stop scratching the film?

Tom: Flatline's back?

Seth: Yeah, but only on a one-riff contract.

****red and blue trademark fireworks of raw go off around the ramp and explode in the ring***

Tom: And luckily for us, in the writers room, killing him instantly. The End.

****as the crowd roar in delight of the fireworks. The camera pans around the packed-full arena.

TV: Wow, look at all those sides of beef.

****The camera stops paning around****

Seth: This fed is causing me "paning" all right. In my ass.

****and centres on the announcers table where we are all met by good ol J.R and "The King" Jerry Lawyer.****

Crow: (Jerry Lawyer) You spelled my name wrong! I'll sue!

****J.R: Hello everyone, and welcome to XIW's raw is war. The new belt called untied stated is****

TV: Due to the third-grade reading level our booker is writing at this week.

Tom: If the belt is untied, wouldn't it be hard to wear? Maybe it's got Velcro?

****on the line tonight as well as the european, heavyweight, IC and tag titles.****

Seth: All in one huge fustercluck of a match!

Crow: Is the BigBOSS booking again?

****"The King" Jerry Lawyer: Yep, it's sure going to be explosive.****

TV: (King) I just ate three-day old shrimp!

****But then the king checks his head-piece and looks up in surprise.****

Crow: (Jerry Lawyer) Hey, is this a head-piece? I ordered a hair-piece! I'll see you in court, Wardrobe Team!

****THe King Jerry Lawyer: Well it seems, Mick Foley is backstage and he has a message for all of us.****

TV: Yes. It's: Stop watching. Now!

Seth: It's a subliminal message. Play him backwards and you'll find out exactly how Hendrix REALLY died!

****The camera then crosses backstage to into Mick Foleys office where he is munching on biscuits and on the phone.****

TV: Wow, he must be hungry if he's chewing on the phone.

Tom: (Infomercial Announcer) NEW Chef Boy-Are-Deese-Things-Stupid Biscuits and Phones in Gravy! Mmmmm... PHONEY!

****Mick Foley( On the pone): So it's all settled, your arriving tonight. Good. Cya then****

Seth: Wow, Mick is fluent in advanced Verbal Text Message. Impressive. I thought only Tom could do that.

Tom: U sd it, Sth.

****Foley then hangs up the phone and looks over some papers.****

TV: (Foley) Where is that damn noose. I know I left it here somewhere.

Crow: Micks working on his next book "Barbed Wire Round the Testicles: or "What I'd Rather Have Than Work for Xtreme International Wrestling Again.".

****Foley then looks up and smiles as he sees the camera.****

Tom: While holding up a sign that reads "Help, Help, I've been kidnapped by the XIW. Call the Police!".

****Mick Foley: Ahh Jerry got the message. Well every things settled and sorted out, tonight our new commishoner will be announced!****

Seth: Oh, THAT'S why he's in XIW! He's rolling drunk and probably signed the contract by mistake!

Tom: That's how Trey got into BOB, right?

****The camera then crosses back to the announcers table where both J.R and the king looked stunned.****

TV: (J.R.) I have to sell this crap? It's gonna be tougher to sell this unentertaining crap than eating a $2 steak.

****j.r: whoa new commishion or XIW will be announced tonight!****

Crow: Is he giving us a choice? Man, so hard to choose between boredom and idiocy!

****Raw then goes for a break. ****

TV: Because it's been such a thrilling ride for us so far we need to calm down.

Seth: Raw's heading out back for a quick smoke with Jihad and Police Action.

****The european title match does not take place due to no roleplaying.****

TV: And needing to prepare for the show-and-tell at school the next day.

Seth: And kayfabe rolls over in its shallow grave once more.

****Backstage a nWo truck pulls up and out comes the whole nWo.****

Tom: Okay, Scott Hall. But who ELSE would lower themselves to doing an nWo angle ten years later?

****With Hogan in the lead.****

Crow: Any other stupid questions, Tom?

****Hogan then walks over to Foleys office and enter.****

TV: (Hogan) Stop gnawing on the phone, Foley.

****Hollywood Hulk Hogan: Look here mr Foley. Tonight me and Goldust take part in a tag match together.****

Seth: Man, they're booking washed-up, psychologically twisted freaks in XIW. And making them tag with Hogan!

****Well I found out last raw that Goldust is to weak to be in the ring with the likes of me. So I want Shawn Michaels here to replace him.****

TV: The real reason in Golddust isn't old enough. Hogan doesn't like to be outshined.

Seth: Man, they're booking retired, aging near-cripples in the XIW! And making them tag with Hogan...

Tom: This running gag could keep Seth amused all day...

Seth: I'll stop, now.

Crow: Good.

****but then Goldust enters and the fans cheer.****

TV: Golddust is over? What dimension is this?

****Goldust: Whoa, there Hogan. I have got a tag team title shot and I don't want it taken away.****

Crow: (Goldust) I gots CLUBBERING to do, Tony! CLUBBERING!

Tom: Like father, like schmuck.

****So i don't want Shawn Michaels to take my place. I see a star with a tag team belt underneath it****

Seth: (Sings) When you wish upon a star, your push prob-ly won't go far...

****and im not giving it away damnit.\line Foley: Whoa, there Goldust and the nWo. No one is leaving or entering this match.****

Tom: A "No Escape For Anyone" match?

****And that's final****

TV: (Ernest "The Cat" Miller) Now hit muh music!

****hogan: What if Goldust here and a little accident.****

TV: What, he pisses his pants?

Seth: He better not have an accident, or he'll cry. And we don't need to see BLUBBRING, Tony!

****Goldust starts to walk away but Shawn Michaels pulls out a metal poll****

TV: 90 percent of those polled are in favor of metal, by the way.

Crow: (Goldust) It was pole in his tights? Man, that's a disappointment. Forget that dinner date, Shawn.

****and takes a swing at Goldust back he ducks and runs into the car park with the nWo in chase. Goldust then squats infront of an car as the nWo walk pass.****

TV: If they'd just look at the cameraman slouching down, this hunt would be over already.

Seth: (Goldust) I'm trying to take a dump here! Stop filming me!

****But suddenly the cars lights turn on and the engine gets reved up and runs over Goldust.****

Seth: And Scott Keith instantly becomes a suspect in a Vehicular Homicide investigation.

Crow: (Scott Keith) He deserved it! Did you SEE how bad his match was at Wrestlemania 13? I had to re-cap that shit!

****The sick person who ran ovr Goldust gets up and reveals himself to be Booker T!!!****

Tom: (Booker) *cough* Anyone got any Robitussen?

TV: He's gonna be tried for first-degree, first-degree, first-degree, first-degree, first-degree...murder charges. Sucka!

****Booker T: Ha you just got your punk ass run over.****

Crow: (Booker) I put a hubcap in your ass!

****The camera crosses back to the announce table where they sit in disgust.****

Seth: (JR) I can't believe they want us to sell that stupid angle! This is digusting!

Crow: (Lawyer) You think that's disgusting? Look at our contracts! I'll run this place into the ground!

****J.R: What the hell, Goldust has just been run over by Booker t. This doesn't look good.****

TV: Yeah, Booker is goofier than a pet coon.

Seth: (Lawyer) I'd avoid the word "coon" in the same sentence as Booker, or you'll get sued. By me!

****[ The game's music hits and he comes out]****

Tom: J.R says things don't look good, and Triple H comes out. J.R's a psychic!

****[ Edddie Guerreros music plays and he makes his way to the ring]****

Crow: (Guerrero) I WILL win the prize for most-boring entrance of the night, esse!

****[ The Brock Lesnar comes down]****

Tom: (Lesnar) That's what you think, Eddy!

TV: Accept no imitations. This is THE Brock Lesnar. That other one? He's not real.

****The ref signals for the bell and things get underway, as HHH runs at Lesnar looking for the closeline but****

TV: Has to settle for a farawayline.

Seth: Wait, Trip ran? He expended energy? This IS fantasy wrestling, all right.

****Lesnar ducks and hits a pump handel suplex.****

TV: In classical style.

Tom: You notice Trey's getting smarter as Seth gets smuttier? That's nuts.

Seth: Huh huh huh... you said "Nuts", Tom.

****Guerrero on the turnbuckle attemps a dropkick but missis. HHH then gets up and is hit****

Crow: It's Mrs. HHH now? When did get the sex-change?

****J.R: Well Lesnar was very feirce in the match but I wonder of the condition of Goldust.****

Crow: I think he's been upgraded to dead.

TV: I wonder what the outcome is of the match? What choppy editing.

Seth: It's over? Already? Wow, prayer DOES work! Thank you for not making me watch a Triple H match, God!

****The camera then crosses backstage to where a limo pulls up and out steps Bret Hart!!!. Bret hart Flicks off his glasses****

Tom: He flipped off his sunglasses? Man, ther'e a feud that'll be REAL hard to get over.

****and heads to the arena.****

TV: I do like the Vince Must Die T-shirt he's wearing.

****"The King" Jerry Lawyer: Could Bret Hart be the new commish?****

Seth: Well, he lost 10% of his brain capacity, thanks to Goldberg, so he's probably more qualified for the job.

Tom: Just needs to lose the other 90% and he's shoo-in!

****J.R: We will have to wait and see.
Undertaker versus Chris Jeircho matchs does not take place to no roleplaying.****

TV: But it would have looked like this. Motorcycle. No-sell. No-sell. No-sell. No-sell. Chokeslam. Last Ride. Pin.

Seth: Scott Keith, move over. Trey's gunning for your job!

****[ But then The River Dragon Chris Reinhardt's music hits on the pa systems and he comes out]****

TV: Oh, I'd rather see this guy any day instead of Jericho or Taker. I'm sure the fans won't throw chairs at this guy.

Crow: Sadly, the River Dragon isn't amphibious, and therefore drops to the floor and flops around for a while.

****[ The X-bombs music starts and he comes out]****

TV: I'm guessing that's what match rating this will get. Bomb.

Tom: If Trey yells BONZO GONZO, I think Mr. Keith can retire.

****The Following match is for the United states belt and no 1 contendership.****

Seth: So they're fighting for #1 contedership of a belt they'll already be the champion of? Congrats, XEW, you just booked a Mobius Strip.

****The ref signals for the bell as things get under way. Both wrestlers lock up but Reinhartd controls him with an absolute penetration***

TV: (Styles) OH MY GOD! That's gotta hurt!

Tom: Hurt? That's gotta be illeagal!

Seth: They're in Alabama. They could be first cousins and it wouldn't be illegal.

Crow: (Lawyer) Anal rape in the ring? I OBJECT!

****and follws it up with vicous DDT. X-bomb stunned rolls into the corner where Reinhartd chocks him with his foot.****

Comabt: Chocks away Pip-pip, tally ho, cabbage crates over the briny!

Seth: Great, it'll take hours to get Comabot out of RAF Banter Mode now.

****X-bomb manages to scamper away.****

TV: Scamper? X-Bomb has been so gay-ified.

Tom: I can't wait until he shassays to the top rope and drops the Flying Limp-Wristed Elbow.

****But Reinhartd super kicks him.****

Seth: They pronouce Rheinhards' name to rhyme with Retarded. It's not a coincidence, I feel.

****Reinhartd then jumps onto the turnbuckle and hits a bewildered x-bomb with a 450 frog splash.****

TV: You'd be bewildered too if your ass had just been violated.

****Reinhartd settles him self for his finisher****

Seth: His fingerer? That's disgusting!

****and nails the evil twist on X-bomb as the crowd boo.****

Crow: This must be an anti-gay marriage state.

****Reinhartd then pins him 1.....2.......3. He is the United states champion and no 1 contender.****

TV: And likely has an STD.

****Reinhardt points at the belt and calls out this is only the begining.****

Tom:(Belt) You talking to me?

TV: (Reinhardt) There are more asses to violated backstage.

****The King Jerry Lawyer: Whoa that Reinhartd is something.****

Crow: (Lawyer) ...TO SUE!

****J.R: But next is our main event.****

Seth: It's a nine-minute show! Thank God for the ADD Generation!

****[ The the nWos theme fills the arena and strolls out with his buddies]****

TV: Who's strolling out? The pictures is a bit hazy.

Tom: Either the dry ice machine got out of hand, or X-Pac and RVD are chilling out with a "smoke" backstage.

****[ Then Mcbride and Belgerath come out together]****

TV: They're gay and they're not ashamed. And Reinhardt might be looking for them sooner rather than later.

Seth: One's a 70's TV cop, the others a minor Demon from an obscure Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Together, they fight crime!

****The ref signals for the bell but no Goldust comes out.****

Tom: Always a good idea to start the match in the middle of the ring introductions. Keeps the wrestlers on their toes.

****But Hogan desides to take on both of them by knocking Mcbride and Belgerath with right hands.****

Tom: That's right, it's Box-O'-Right Hands. Get yours today at all participating stores!

****Hogan dominates both men****

Crow: First anal rape, now bondage and domination. It's fun for the whole family in XEW!

****with a bit of help from his teammates.****

TV: (Singing) And gets high with a little help from his teammates.

Seth: Never. Sing. Again. Trey.

****He hits numerous suplexes and backrops.****

Seth: It's Hogan. Try numerous punches and restholds.

****Suddenly Booker T's music hits and the crowd hiss.****

TV: Who hisses at a sports entertainment show?

Tom: The entire first row got a slow leak at the same time. That'll teach the XEW to use inflatable sex dolls to bulk up their non-exsistant fanbase.

****Booker comes running down the ramp and into the ring. The 3 men in the ring stare at booker and wonder what is going to happen.****

Crow: Well, if you have no idea what's happening, I guess the booker IS to blame, after all. It's probably Dusty Rhodes.

****But then suddnely he hits a bookend on Belgerath and McBride.****

Seth: Simultaneously. While powerslamming Hogan and choking out the ref. And with his FREE hand..

****Booker t stares at the 2 unconsous bodys and starts shaking his dreads.****

TV: Damn fleas.

****he then hits the spinaroonie as the crowd boo even more. But then Bret Hart rushes out and the 3 stare at eachother. Hogan then calls for a mic.****

TV: (Hogan) Who let this colored fellow in the building?

Crow: (Lawyer) I heard that! Racial discrimination! I OBJECT!

****Hogan: So I guess one of you are the new commish. \line Booker t then shakes his head****

TV: Now he's got water in his ear.

Seth: He's trying to work out exactly what that gibberish was Hogan just said.

Tom: (Hogan) I are the man! Me am strong! Yur.

****Hogan: Well that leaves us to bret hart. Hart I want to have the tag team belts****

TV: This must be an alternate dimension. He's not demanding the heavyweight belt and full creative control.

Seth: Altough if Wrestlemania 9 is any indication, he'll have both in a month.

****Booker t Then attacks Hogan and hits a bookend. and grabs a mic
Booker T: Here is the commish suckas****

Crow: Commish Suckers, now available at your local candy store!

****Booker t then points to the ramp where a man is standing. The lights go on him and reveals the new commish to be RIC FLAIR!!!!!****

TV: (Bored) Whooo.

Crow: (Lawyer) SUE!

Seth: Joining XEW. A decision Ric will...

Tom: Rue!

****Hart then applys the sharpshooter to Hogan as raw goes off the air****

TV: Hopefully never to return.

Seth: Well, at least it was short. Last one to the bar's a homo...

[The screen is black for a moment.]

****the ToTAl XtRemE WreSTlInG FedEraTioN****

TV: Capitalizing every other letter since 1999!

Seth: Ed, I hate you. (sits down)

****Wednesday Night Warzone.
19th of November 2003.****

TV: A day that will live in obscurity for the TXWF.

****1)*****

Tom: (Singing) Is the loneliest number.

****Eddie Gurrero vs Kurt angle vs John Cena(champion) (u.s title)

Seth: The Universal Suckitude Title is on the line! Yay!

****All of a sudden the Gurrero theme song plays.****

TV: No announcers. No fireworks. Just the crap, folks.

Crow: It's short, it's stupid, it's lightweight and disposable. This card is the written equivalent of Seth!

Seth: Watch it, tin-man...

****He comes out in his low rider.****

TV: Aww, Eddie, those are only hot on chicks. Especially when they sit down or bend over and you can see their whole ass crack.

Tom: Eddie Guerrero, Latino Plumber!

****The crowed go crazy as latino heat comes out!!!
Then out comes the american hero.****

Seth: William Katt? He's the Greatest!

****The fans chant 'U SUCK, U SUCK'****

Tom: What did U do to you?

****And Kurt is loving it!****

Tom: Blast the cursed letter! I demand it be removed from the alphabet altogether.

****Out comes John Cena "WORD LIFE".****

Tom: What is a magazine?

Seth: Sorry.

Crow: What is a cereal?

Seth: Nope.

TV: What is The Game Of?

Seth: Sorry. The question we were looking for was 'this really sucks for all of us at the moment.

Tom: D'oh! Of course!

****They get in the ring and start the match off with grapple moves.****

TV: Wow, this guy is as good as Bischoff on commentary.

Seth: Oliver Copp Simulated Wrestling Presents: Generic Pay-Per-View #9!

****gurrero gets the advantage on Angle..Kurt tried to fight back but Eddie was determined to win the title!****

TV: Eddie's sheer will prevents Kurt from having any offense.

Crow: The power of Eddie compels you...the power of Eddie compels you.

Tom: (Guerrero) Watch as I change tenses at will and defeated you with my determination!

****Eddie hit a brillianty suplex***

TV: That sure was excellenty, wasn't it guys?

Crow: Total splendidity.

Seth: My brainy hurtys.

****and went for the pin on kurt..1-2-No!
Kurt kicked out and started to fight back!****

Tom: Sadly, Eddies sides and front mounted a joint attack to hold off Kurt.

****Cena hit Eddie with a DDT.****

Seth: That's the "Duh. Duh. Thingee"... even the moves are moronic in TXWF.

Kurt hit an olympic slam on Eddie..he went for a cover..****

TV: As Cena stood around as clueless as a virgin at a biker rally.

****1-2The lights go out and we hear people screaming in pain!!!!****

TV: Yeah, that's the fans in the audience.

Crow: And us.

****They go back on and a masked man is running away****

TV: Wow, he really wants to hide his identity.

Crow: Wouldn't you if you worked for this fed?

Tom: Did someone get his license plate number?

****..Gurrero, Cena and Kurt are all on the floor..the masked man had left a chair in the ring****

Crow: Hey, mysterious masked man! You forgot your chair.

Seth He also left his wallet, his passport and a signed photograph. TXWF authorities are said to be "stumped".

****Kurt is cut open.and is bleeding from his head rapidly and so is Cena..****

Tom: A scene from "Dead Alive II: Zombies Ate my Wrestlers".

****eddie seems to not be hurt.we then realise he hasn't been hit by the masked manthen****

Seth: Ahh, Masked Man00then, Sweedens best heel! I thought he'd retired.

Crow: Formatting errors. The salvation of the desperate MSTer!

****he puts the chair on angle and goes for a Frog splash!!!!****

TV: Somebody should have told him to hit the move in the ring.

****He hits it1-2No! The American hero is not giving up his hopes of the title yet.****

Tom: His payola check to the Head Booker hasn't cleared yet. His only hope is to keep the match going until the banks open in the morning.

Seth: And believe it or not, he's walking on air. He never thought he could feel so free!

****Eddie snaps****

Crow: ...Into a Slim Jim?

****and goes towards Kurt.he then kicks him in the stomach and then does a closeline!!!!****

Seth: (HHH) You're stealing my move, asshole!

TV: Tonight on Closeline: The Crappiest Efed Award Goes To...Tune in and find out.

****Eddie then hits a Hurricanrunner on the champion(cena).****

TV: (Yokel) Well looky here, he be doin' one of dem dare hurricane-runners. Ain't he all fancy an' shiit.

Seth: (Jeff Foxworthy) If you go to the wrestling just to pick fights with the beer vendor... yoouuuuu might be a Redneck!

****Kurt is out cold and Eddie picks up the chairthe ref grabs it from him and says"You will be DQ'd and will not win the title!!!!"****

TV: The ref should be DQed for abuse of exclamation points.

****Eddie then gives the chair to the ref but is speared by Kurt.****

Crow: He then stabs him with a gladius and rams a trident in his head. EXTREME!

****Kurt locks in the ankle lock on EddieGurrero gets to the ropes on timebut he is still hurt. Kurt hits cena with an angleslam.****

Seth: I'd be more entertianed by watching him slam a Mountain Dew. Wake me if there's any gratitous nudity, Crow.

***Kurt goes for another angeslam on Eddie but, Eddie reverses it into a Hurricanrunner and then does a frog splash!!!! 1-2-3. WINNER=NEW U.S CHAMPION EDDIE GURRERO!!!!

TV: And the crowd goes...away. Far away.

Seth: *snores*

****2)****

Tom: Can be as bad as one. It's the loneliest number since the number one.

****Chris Jericho vs Edge****

TV: You screwed Matt. You screwed Matt!

Crow: Nah, that was Rheinhardt. But he bought him dinner and took him to a movie first. He's a gentleman.

****Edge came down to the ring and was chatting about how he despised DESTRUCTION****

Seth: Don't go to Baghdad, then.

****and he hoped they interfered in this match so he could kick all 4 of their asses.****

TV: (Edge) That's right...all eight buttcheeks will pay! Now where are my feet?

****Y2J was bored of the chatting****

TV: Edge isn't n2 cyber.

****and interupted dge and came out.****

Seth: (Edge) Well, I found my feet, but now I lost my "E"! Eh?

****He got in the ring and jumped straight on edge and beat him up.****

Tom: Stealing his lunch money was a bit over the top.

Crow: Give him a swirley and steal his Pokemon cards, Chris!

****Y2J went for an early lion-sault but Edge stuck up his knees.****

Seth: ...Causing his feet to fall off yet again.

****Edge took control and hit Jericho with an amazing spear****

TV: Not as amazing as _my_ spear.

****then all of a suddern a familier theme song played"welcome to the Jungle"(DESTRUCTIONS SONG).****

Crow: Captions helpfully provided for the Terminally Stupid fans of TXWF.

****Out came Brock Lesnar, Steve Austin, Ultimo Dragon and the cruiserweight champion Rey Mysterio. They ran down to the ring and brutaly beat up Y2J.the ref. Got Edge ****

Seth: The card. Is beginning. To sound like. A stoner. Ordering pizza. Huh huh huh...

****DQ'd because of DESTRUCTION hitting Y2J first...
WINNER=CHRIS JERICHO(by DQ)****

TV: Edge + Y2J + this fed = Nobody Really Wins.

Tom: Especially us.

****After the match----------
They then threw Jericho out of the ring and cornered Edge.****

Crow: (Edge) You'll never take me alive, see? Nyah. Nyah.

****They beat him up and all did there finnishers to him,****

Seth: Followed by their Polishers and their Lithuanianers...

****out came heyman laughing and with a microphone..they chuck Edge out of the ring!!!!****

Crow: (Chuck) Billy, come back, I miss you!

****Heyman----"Ladies and GentlemenDESTRUCTION are getting bigger and better every day****

Tom: Aren't steroids great?

****also, oh well, I don\rquote t really want to give anything away to you guys for what is going to go down tonight but I will give you a clue****

Seth: Someone in TXWF getting a clue? Highly doubtful.

****We will get bigger by the end of the night!!!!"****

TV: Oh, Paul's been getting those cheap Viagra's off his email again.

****Paul and his stable leave the ring.
Interview-------****

Crow: ...With a Jobber. Starring Tom Cruise and XXXtreme Machine.

****Terri Runnels approaches Goldberg in the back.****

TV: (Terri) So Bill, if a funeral procession is at night, do you drive with your lights off?

****TR= Terri Runnels.
G=Goldberg.****

TV: Whoa. Hold on. Can we pause that to memorize that? I'm not sure if I'll be able to tell the difference between the two.

Seth: This fed knows it's target audience, all right. It must screen right after "Blues Clues" every morning.

****TR= hi goldberg, I understand you don't have a match tonight but we have just been informed, that you will be defending your TXWF world heavyweight title at November 2 Remember,****

Tom: Following "October in a Land Rover", and "September in a Blender.".

****this Sunday against Shawn Michaels inside the Hell in a cellWhat are your thoughts on that.****

TV: (Goldberg) I'm working here, so I'm already in hell. Won't be much a difference if I'm in a cell or not.

****G=well, you know terri, im Hyped up for this Sunday, I know all the dangers of hell in a cell,****

Seth: Sucking, boring the crowd, accidentally injuring my opponent with my sloppy offense.

***but hey, I also know the danger of HBK in it to me. I think I can cope and I have confidence in thinking I will retain my title.****

TV: Wow, Michaels is gonna KILL him for making this one that personal.

Tom: Yeah! The Surgeon General should warn people with weak hearts not to listen to something THAT intense. Wow!

Seth: *snores*

****TR=ok thanks Bill, now back to our commentators as we get ready for the TLC main event!!!!****

Crow: There are announcers?

Seth: TXWF: Torturous, Lame Crap in the main event!

****3)****

Tom: Is a magic number, yes it is, it's a magic number. Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity you get three as a magic number.

****T.L.C----Tag team titles.****

TV: This one is dedicated to the memory of Left Eye Lisa Lopez. Still talking about sex down in hell, yo.

****Brock Lesnar and Steve Austin(DESTRUCTION) vs The new aged outlaws(champions).****

TV: They should be renamed to the Old Age Outlaws by now.

Crow: Send out Chuck Palumbo to tag with Billy Gunn! Then it's No Hair vs. We're Not Queer. Smell the buy rate!

****Out come both teams aware of the risks of this match, all 4 men stare at the 2 titles dangling from above them.****

TV: Just like a pair of gold testicles.

****The bell is rung and the outlaws and DESTRUCTION go at it..****

Seth: (Austin) Wait, Bill! Shouldn't we be fighting those two guys?

Tom: (Goldberg) Oy gevalt, I got all confused. Let's try that again.

****Billy Gunn grabs a table and sets it up, he goes for a fame asser trough it to Brock, but its reversed into an F-5!!!!****

Crow: TXWF had to invent Retard Physics for THAT move to work.

****Billy goes through the table and is hurt, Road dogg hits a DDT on austin, then a 'shake, rattle n' roll'.

Tom: (Singing) I said, shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll.

****Jesse went to climb the ladder****

Seth: With all the typos in this fed, that's probably meant to mean "Jesus went to climb the ladder." Go, Son of God, GO!

****but was pulled down by Brock,****

Tom: He's going to Hell for that one!

****Austin then gets up and helps Lesnar set up the table, Road dogg is down and Billy trys to climb the ladder,****

Crow: But is way too stoned to even try.

****Austin climbs up the other side and stunners him off of the ladder through a table!!!! The crowed chant"Holy $H1t, Holy $H1t".****

Crow: Oh sorry, was I supposed to chant that? They spelt my name wrong, though.

Seth: Talented fans, though, able to pronounce dollar signs and ones.

****Brock then delivers a F-5 to Road dogg to the outside. Then out come DX to help their buddies, they beat up Austin and Lesnar.then the fans go crazy****

Tom: They're heading for the water-tower with their high-powered rifles! That's crazy, all right!

****as the rest of DESTRUCTION run down to the rescue!!!! Its 5 on 4 with Chyna at ringside..****

TV: Does that include her breast implants?

****Then the music of Goldberg plays..then out comes the champion!!!! He attacks HBK then attacks the rest of DX. He gives X pac a spear****

Seth: TXWF: All Acronyms, ATT!

****through a table which is leaning on the turnbuckle side!!!!
Fans chant "Goooooooooo****

Crow: ....oooo home!

****ooooooldberg, Goooooooooo****

Crow: ...oooo screw yourself, TXWF!

****ooooooldberg".
Then its 5 on 5..****

Seth: Five on five-hundred? The BigBOSS must have booked BOTH these shows!

****Brock and Austin then climb the ladder with pride and DX are all down. They grab the titles and fall down!!!!****

Tom: Rather than climb down like normal people. Physical dyslexia is a horrible disease.

****JR----what a hellacious match up king!!!!
King----yeah, as foley says'Tables, Ladders and Chairs.Oh my'.****

TV: As Trey Vincent says...die, bastards, die.

****After the match----
Paul Heyman comes down and says"ladies and gentlemenplease give it up****

Seth: I agree, give it up. E-fedding, I mean. Give it up NOW!

****for the world champion and newest member of DESTRUCTION..GOLDBERG!!!!"
The crowed go crazy.****

TV: Calm down Crow.

Crow: BLAHDEBLABLAH. BIPPIDYBIPPIDYBIPPIDY.

Seth: If he heads for the water-tower, I'm out of here.

****JR----This stable Rivalry between DX, DESTRUCTION and the New World Order is far from over King.****

TV: The nWo is here too? Bloody hell!

****King----You can say that again.****

TV: Bloody hell!

Seth: Treys' script by Anthony Stewart Head.

****TXWF\'a9
Warzone 2003.****

TV: As if anybody would dare steal this shit.

****By Scott Warren(warzone owner)****

Seth: We know your name, asshole! Tom, grab the telephone book! Crow, break out the GPS! Trey, fill a cooler full of beer!

[Sound of a shot-gun being cocked.]

Seth: Let's go a'hunting, boys!

Everyone: YEE-HA!

[Everyone runs out of the theater. Fade to black.]


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