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iAd vs. XCW! (MST3K 4.2)

We're not down with the Sikkness!

DISCLAIMER: White men can't do shit...except be sarcastic assholes. Put on your hard hat. This area contains bad jokes and excessive vulgarity. We didn't write these shows we degrade, we just present them without written permission of any kind from the owners for our own amusement. And if you don't like it, we really don't give a fuck.<evil laugh> BWAHAHA! </evil laugh> -Skeeter & Leary.

[Some cheesy opening music plays as we get a shot of the Satellite of Love. As we go along through the lyrics, there are various shots of Seth Harker, Trey Vincent, Tom, Crow and Comabot doing all sorts of funny things from past shows and looking at old sports entertainment shows in the theatre.]

Skeeter: In the somewhat distant future
Shortly after this song
Seth Harker and his buddy Trey
Are in a world that's oh so wrong
Taunted by some guy named Ed
A guy that both of them want dead
He packed a ton of gimmicks in his bag
And makes them watch shows from federations
That always make them gag

Ed Tenta-Shaw: What's my gimmick?

I'll send them crappy wrestling
The worst I can find [LA LA LA]
I'll make them sit and watch it all
Until they all are blind [LA LA LA]
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the crap begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity
By making fun of their robot friends.

Leary: Robot Roll Call! Comabot!

Comabot: Poink!

Leary: Flatline!


Leary: Tom Servo!

Tom: And our brave hero roasts the disabled man!

Leary: Crooow!

Crow: Soylent Green is made from people!

Skeeter: If you wonder why they're all so mean
And other stupid facts [La La La]
Repeat to yourself it's the iAd's show
So shove it up your ass!
For Mystery Sports-Entertainment Theater 3000!

[The scene opens in an overly crowded Satellite of Love. The SoL is packed full of people of all shapes, sizes and colors. Tom and Crow shove their way through the mass of humanity and get to their usual spots on the counter.]

Tom: What in the world is going on, Crow?

Crow: I don't know. I assumed Trey was throwing another one of his parties, but then I realized there weren't enough scantily clad women and guys puking their guts out in the corner.

Tom: Hello everyone. We apologize for the overcrowding here, and the noise. But we don't have any idea what's happening. We were scheduled to finally have the SoL back to ourselves this week for this taping...

Seth: Hey, guys. Man, there are more people here than usually attend a BOB show. Is this your guys doing? Were you feeling lonely?

Crow: Hardly, Seth. We haven't got a clue why they're here.

Seth: Well, neither do I.


All: TREY!

[Trey pushes aside a couple of people.]

TV: There you guys are. What's going on?

Seth: This isn't your doing?

TV: What, when things go wrong around here it's my fault?

Seth: Usually, yes.

TV: Well, I'm as clueless as a 12-year-old virgin girl.

Crow: Ed's calling.

Seth: Ed...

Ed: Hello, boys. So sorry I couldn't personally say hello last time. But I trust the Abba kept you in line?

TV: You stuck at a buffet?

Ed: Hardly, Trey. But I bet your wondering why all these people are here. Well, I'm going to tell you. It's to prepare you for this morning's show. Because you are going to be viewing one the most bloated rosters to ever grace a federation. So, I figured, you might as well get used to extremely annoying company. Because for the next two hours, you're gonna have plenty of it.

TV: You couldn't at least get some hot chicks in here?

Ed: No. That would mean I actually care about your happiness, when all I care about is your misery. You and all the viewers. So get ready, boys. Because you've got Wrestling Sign!

[The SoL flashes and the camera jumps around.]


Seth: How are we supposed to even get to the theatre?

TV: I've got an idea.

[Trey grabs Tom and starts whacking everybody in his way.]

Tom: Hey! I'm not a machete!

[Door sequence...6...5...4...3...2..1....]

***Xtreme Championship Wrestling***

TV: They got the 'E' out...so they wouldn't get sued.

Seth: Lucky it's not XXXtreme Championship Wrestling or else we'd have to tlak lik this

***Dark Desires***

TV: Starring Shannon Tweed.

Seth: Interracial porn! This should be Treys' favourite show of the year!

Crow: I desire to get the hell out of the theatre.

Tom: *heavy breathing* Luke. Come to the Dark De-side.

***:;the arena goes dark***

TV: That was a quick show. Let's go to the bar!

Seth: (whispering) Good call, let's sneak out while they can't see us!

***and the crowd goes wild as "Not Falling by mudvayne" plays***

Crow: That's much better than their last theme song, "Not Belching next to Linkin Park".

TV: I'm sure this show will be Not Entertaining soon.

***and the pyros go off::***

Tom: They couldn't afford the ones that go "BANG", I see.

***The Music stops as The lights in the arena go completely off***

TV: Pay your power bill already.

Seth: Okay, we've pretty much got the "Dark" motif covered. Not a lot of Desire, though.

Tom: Except a vague desire to burn the tape.

***and we see the tron with one simple symbol***

Seth: The Japanese kanji symbol for "Danger: Lame Wrestling Ahead".

TV: You want symbolism? I got a middle finger for ya.

***And then a Fireball shoots from the top of the tron to the ring and we see10 men standing in the ring***

Crow: Well, lying in the ring, really. With third-degree burns and flash-blindness.

TV: I smell barbecue.

Seth: J.R's shilling his sauce in this fed, too?

***the men appear to be the good ole boys JJ Flash***

Everyone: AH-AHHHHH!

Seth: (sings) He's a miracle!

***and "Creole" Williams,***Crow: This match gonna suck, I ga-ron-tee!

Seth; Maybe it wasn't barbecue, Trey. Gumbo?

TV: Could be. I'm usually drunk when I eat, so I couldn't tell the difference.

Tom: Food's only there to make the booze taste better, huh Trey?

TV: You better believe it.

***Heckler and Koch,***

Seth: (Heckler) Boo! You suck! Tell us a joke! You're a dick!

Tom: (Koch) Well, technically, yes.


Crow: ...And his partner, Batiter

TV: Is this a law firm or something?

***Beast, Lightning Kidd, Tate Walker and***

TV: The entire state of Montana.

Seth: (Beast) Could we get a bigger ring, please? Mastiif is sexually harassing me!

***President Sikkness.***

Seth: Kind of appropriate, as only a really sick mind could subject us to this crap.

Crow: President SUCKness would be even more appropriate, Seth.

TV: Anyone else praying for a sniper in the crowd?

Tom: I'll pay off the Secret Service, you pin the target on his chest, Trey.

***As new music resounds from the PA***

Seth: Shaq goes up for the resound... and dunks the sasket!

TV: Is that street slang for Pennsylvania?

Tom: (Gangsta) Yo, we got the resound you need down here in the P of A! Yo.

Seth: Huh?

***Blood Bath in Paradise by ozzy is heard and the crowd goes nuts***

TV: Everybody pulls out a gun and shoots themselves. Sure, they'll blame Ozzy. But we know it's XCW's fault.

Seth: Meanwhile snoring is heard and the show begins to suck nuts.

***suddenly Sikkness begins to speak!***

Crow: (Prez. Sikkness) *coughs* Does anybody have a throat lozenge? An asprin? Some NyQil? I'm dying here!

***Sikkness: Cut the damn Music! Now then tonight I got to introduce 2 newest members of raw!***

TV: Oh, crap. They're doing the draft here too?

Seth: I'd like to see these guys get drafted. For service in Vietnam. Die, you bastards!

Tom: On the plus side, we're getting even MORE jobbers to make fun of! This fed likes us!

***First off I introduce you to the "FRANCHISE" of the XCW Raw! Team!***

Crow: If this is Shane Douglas, I'm pulling my own plug, Seth. Just a warning.

TV: How dare somebody else even dare say they're a franchise. There is only one Franchise Player left in sports entertainment, and that is Trey Vincent.

Tom: And you can buy your OWN Trey Vincent Franchise for just $10,000! Paper placemats and staff uniforms not included.

Seth: I better get a free upsize on my fries at that joint.

TV: Sure. I'll even give it to you in slow-motion.

Seth: Cool.

***The Enigma that is…***

Seth: ...Wrapped in a mystery, gift-wrapped and sealed with a kiss.

***The lights drop***

Tom: Whoa, look out below!

Crow: Oh, the ring crew's going to get hit with aTON of lawsuits if the lights landed in the fans.

Seth: Or would if this show HAD any fans.

TV: Well, at least they've been off all night so they're not hot, too.

Crow: Dark Desires just became "Pitch-Black Pandemonioum.

***and the "SEEK and Destroy" hits the pa***

Tom: Well , at least Pa will get to sue for damages. Junior and Jethro escaped with minor injuries.

TV: Fitting song. Everything's been destroyed. Now they're seeking survivors.

***as we see the tron come to life***

Seth: ...To seek revenge against the federation that wronged him.

TV: (Tron) Watch me. Kill you. MWAHAHAHAHA!

***upon read these words***

Crow: "Beware of Falling Lights". Well, that's ironic, dontcha think?

***"When a man's heart is corrupted by greed it withers dies and turns black and then a crow must redeem that man's soul! This… Is…***

Seth: ...An excessively wordy statement written in tiny little letters.

TV: Isn't this Sting's old entrance?

Tom: Either that, or they resurrected Brandon Lee and forced his zombie to wrestle in this crappy little fed. Bastards.

***One search light follows the man as he makes his way down the aisle.***

Crow: Man, the 'Tron comes to life, the search lights are walking around. It's "Fantasia: The Fed".

TV: Look out for that hammer that's running after that nail.

Seth: This is the first fed that would get LESS surreal if you popped acid before watching it.

***and we see our first glimpse of the man called sting…***

TV: Wow, his career is truly in the bowels of hell.

Seth: Could be worse. Cough, Hogan, Cough.

***And then the cameras are on him closely and we glimpse him before he speaks.***

Tom: There's a statement for the "No Duh" Hall of Fame.

TV: I don't know why the cameraman had to jump on his back for the shot, though. That's a bit creepy.

Crow: Although the BigBOSS will probably steal the spot the next time Heidi wrestles.


Seth:..... NNNNN'TTTT you save me from having to appear in shitholes like this, God?

***The white and Black is on the attack. Don't turn on me or you'll ride on your back!***

Crow: Like Paris Hilton on a Friday night.


Seth: Thank you, Comatbot.

TV: Just Friday? That's giving her a bit too much credit.

***I'm here for one reason, and one reason only (Turns and looks at LK)***

TV: To blow up the building with you all inside. Jihad!

Seth: Stings new gimmick failed to win many fans in the red states.

***You and me got a match tonight of Great proportions for gold!***

Tom: (Sting) But if I mess up the dismount, I'll have to settle for the bronze.

TV: Great proportions? What is it, a mixed tag with porn stars?

Seth: Charles Dickens fans tune in and are greatly disappointed.

***You know what you gotta do***

Crow: (Lightning Kid) Stink up the ring!

***I know what I gotta do!***

Crow: (Sting) Go in the back and cry for my once-stellar career.

***Sting smacks LK in the face and is then confronted by Mastiff, who graciously grabs the black bat***

TV: Hey, that's an African-American bat, pal. This isn't 1990. You can't get away with racist stuff like that.

Crow: He'll cause a foreign object incident.

Tom: (Mastiff) Do you kind if I borrow your bat, old chap?

Crow: (Sting) Oh, be my guest.

Tom: (Mastiff) Thanks awfully. Most gracious of you.

***and snarls at sting.***

Seth: (Mastiff) Grr. Argh.

***LK moves mastiff and tackles sting beginning to drill the man into the ground with a series of rights and lefts!***

Crow: Lightning Kids' offense provided by the Warner Brothers.

***And then out of no where Beast grabs LK by the neck and grabs him off of Sting!***

TV: This is no time for auto-erotic asphyxiation, boys.

Seth: (Beast) Dude, you used your left AND your right! Don't exhaust your entire moveset straight away!

***Sikkness has his mic and looks at the 2 men!***

Crow: Any two in particular? There's like, eighty-five guys at ringside.

TV: (Sikkness) Don't make me vomit on you guys.

****Sikkness: you boys seem to be ready for what befalls you tonight!***

Tom: The death of both your careers.

***However you don't really realize what it will cost you in the long run!***

TV: Is it a Boston Marathon Death Match?

Seth: Oh, and ripping off the lyrics of The Eagles will attract a HUGE lawsuit. That'll cost you.

***Anyways the show must roll on!***

Crow: Must it? Can't we appeal? Or get time off for good behavior?

Tom: With Trey and Seths' behaviour? We're lucky we're not getting the chair!

***Tech Truck hit that SHIT!

Seth: See, there's this feds problem. Too little bass, too much shit in the mix. It's all the tech trucks' fault!

TV: Now the tech truck is going to destroy the ring. Let's get a wrecking ball and take down the arena next.

***Go to Hell hits the PA***

Tom: I think the tech guys disagree with your assessment, Seth.

TV: Isn't there a song called "You're Already In Hell"?

Seth: It should be our theme music, if so.

***and we see a mna***

Seth: M'na, m'na?

Tom & Crow: Do-doo-do-do-do!

TV: M'na, m'na.

Tom & Crow: Do-doo-do-do!

***about six foot three and abou two hundred twenty one pounds***

TV: And size 10 boots.

Crow: Okay, he's really about two hundred and twenty one pounds and eight ounces. Approximately. Give or take.

***walking down the ramp and sliding into the ring!***

TV: Who put that Slip N Slide on the ramp?

Seth: I think that's one of Comabots' old entrances.

***Sikkness: Ladies and gentlemen I give you… FRANK CHRISTIAN!***

Seth: And his tag-team partner, Bob Islamic Fundamentalist!

***(The crowd has a mixed reaction to the rookie but they do show him great respect for his choice of shows!)***

TV: Silence means respect, eh?

Tom: Well, when the choice is "crap" or "slightly less crap", it's an easy choice.

***Now then, Euro trasher we haven't seen much of you these weeks you have been gone or something I guess however you are now fighting for your job and a title but it won't be 1 on 1 it will be 1 on 1 on 1!***

Seth: Nice to see the President of XCW keeps track of his employees so well. What's the match stip, "Losers Leaves Town and Finds the Loser of the Last Loser Leaves Town Match?"

TV: At the next pay-per-view, don't you dare miss it...the big 1 on 1 on 1 ON 1 match. We're breaking new ground!

Crow: Incidentally, you might want to try taking a breath, Prez! That'll teach him to schedule a show with a nine-minute timeslot.

***Frank you have a shot at the xtreme title and and***

Tom: Echo! Echo!

***if BIG JAMMER AN EUROTRASHER LOSE…THEY WALK! Time to cut the fat folks!***

TV: Well, you should have started with your dialogue.

Crow: You heard him, G.I Slow! Lose some weight or beat the feet!

***Now then…
Before he can finish his statement he is met with the sounds of FAINT on the pa***

Tom: (Pa) OW! Someone fainted on me! Jethro, gimmie a hand here, boy!

***and the entire Smackdown roster on the stage!***

TV: I hope the police show up next to shut down this place for fire code violations.

Seth: Seth's Daily Scientific Fact: The combined Suck Factor generated by putting the entire XAW Smackdown roster on stage at once is equivalent to nearly three black holes!

Tom: Hmmm... fascinating!

***VP Jammer is on the stage mic in hand,***

Crow: ...Foot in mouth, cap in hand and one hand playing a piano.

***Jammer: Son of a bitch I heard you were comin back but I didn't believe it!***

TV: (Jammer) I thought that syphilis was fatal.

Seth: He's over-Southerning his perfomance a little. sound like he should be calling NASCAR, y'all.

***Sikkness: Believe it! Jammer: Oh I do but uhh the thing is in your absence***

Seth: (Sikkness) WHAT? Get your thing out of my absence RIGHT NOW, you sick freak!

Tom: See what a bad influence you are, Trey? I hope you're happy!

TV: I'd be happier if the film broke.

***I have grown accustomed to this power I have! And I won't give it up with out a fight! ***

Tom: He's got the power of Voodoo!

Seth: Who do?

Crow: Do what?

Tom: Never mind.

***Mastiff steps forward and looks intently at Jammer! And finally speaks a word.
Mastiff: ME!***

Seth: (Jammer) No, I won't Mastiff you, ya pervert.

TV: Wow. That's some tough talk there. He even spit everywhere when he said it.

Tom: Actually, I think that's his Downs Syndrome. But it LOOKED tough.

***Jammer: I fight you at the ppv I mean all of your boys against all of my boys! WINNER TAKE ALL! TONIGHT!***

Tom: (Jammer) It's Jammer Time!

TV: So, is the pay-per-view tonight? Or are they just all incredibly retarded?

Seth: Beats me. The video box is written in Magic Marker. All bets are off.

Crow: Team Retard vs. Team Suck 'n' Blow! It's the Snoozer of the Century! Stay tuned!

***Sikkness: Next Week we will do that.***

Crow: Okay, switch off, then. You'll thank me for it.

TV: Is this a booking meeting or a show?

Seth: Next month, join the XCW for "Ritual Shower Hazing: The pay-Per-View!".

***Tonight is as it stands! PERIOD!***

TV: So, it's gonna be bloody and smelly?

Seth: Is it too early to make an "on the rag" joke?

Tom: I would have given it another ten minutes to be on the safe side.

***Jammer takes a step forward and the rest of his roster does too.***

Crow: (Jammer, singing) You put your right foot in! You put you right foot out! You do the Suck 'n' Blow and the viewers all tune out!

Seth: (laughing) Encore!

***They surround the ring. Across the PA we hear a song we shouldn't be hearing in the XCW anymore…***

TV: Rising Sun by Bextas?

Tom: Englebert Humperdink singing "Ten Guitars"?

Seth: The Bulgarian National Anthem? God, this is a weird show.

***Crack Addict by Limp Bizkit***

Seth: Actually, that's a song no-ne should be hearing anymore. Ever. Seriously Fred, just fuck up and die, yeah?

TV: If only he could die...Liimp Bizkit style.

Crow: What, loudly and out-of-tune?

***hits the PA and we see 2 men on stage***

TV: In addition to the 2,453 already there.

Tom: And oddly a 1930's vaudville routine breaks out. Who saw THAT coming?

***and LK and Mastiff both smile Violent jay and Shaggy 2 Dope begin to walk up the ramp***

TV: Where's my gun?

Seth: It's the Insane Clown Posse. Our descent into hell is complete.

***to the men and 2 more pop from behind them and 2 more from them***

Seth: Oh, God, the ICP are multiplying by binary fission! The Earth is doomed!

TV: Quick! Somebody get a clown car, shove them all inside and drive it off a cliff.

***a total of 6 men are on stage!***

Crow: Add that to the nine hundred at ringside and the four thousand preparing for the run-in, and I think we can see where the pyro budget went to.

***Mastiff is smile and not believing his EYES!***

TV: Yeah, that juggling hippo is quite entertaining.

Tom: I can't believe his grammer.

Seth: I believe my eyes. Because they're telling me this show bites.

***LK can't believe who it is either! As the song hits the part that we hear "3-2-1 HERE WE GO AGAIN!"***

Crow: ...Fred Durst spontaneously combusts. And there was much rejoicing.

***the 6 men bomb down the ramp***

TV: Just like their record sales have been bombing for years.

***and attack anybody in their way to the ring as they enter the ring***

Tom: (Violent Jay) Take THAT, hotdog vendor!

Seth: (Shaggy 2 Dope) Eat THIS, timekeeper!

Crow: (Some Wrestler) You're MINE, underpaid flunky that pulls the camera cables around!

***and leave 4 men down and out on the floor they look at jammer who almost cries.***

Tom: I don't blame him. If I worked for this fed, I'd be crying every minute I was awake and sober.

***Dominion, Dark Child, Curse Winters,***

Seth: FUCK, it's cold!

***Thor Olaffson,***

Crow: (Thor) Loot, Loot, Loot! Pillage, Pillage, Pillage!

***Tyr Gratio and Riot***
TV: I remember when Tyr Gration had a tag team partner. Phil Latio. Who could ever forget Gratio & Latio.

Seth: Connie Lingus, eat your... uh, heart out.

***are all standing strong and the roster of raw just grew by 6.***

Tom: And the average wrestling ability in the world went DOWN a fraction.

***Dark Child grabs a mic and begins speaking.***

Crow: Or at least, makes a series of grunts and guestures. He's not the smart one of the stable.

***Dark Child: Say hello To THE PROJECT VERSION 2.0!***

TV: It's still full of bugs.

Seth: Yeah, anything this crappy must be a beta release. Or was made by Microsoft.

***Get ready for your destruction we will rule the 6 and 8 man tag cicuit, as well as singles comp!***

Crow: Six-man tag-tem division? Hellllo, old-school!

TV: But oddly, they have no interest in the tag team division. Not that any federation does these days.

Seth: We'd form a tag-team, but we'd end up wrestling Coma and Hallucination Boy. And who needs THAT sort of indignity?

Comabot: Poink!

***And as far as those 2 yuppies go you got us at the PPV for these !
Out of Dark Childs bag come to platinum faced belts and across them reads XTREME TAG CHAMPS!***

Crow: They'll also be competing in the XCW XTREME SPELING B!

***He hands them to Sikkness and then perches on a corner! As the show cuts to commercial!***

TV: The rest of the people in the ring put down newspaper around Sikkness' perch so he can do his business.

Seth: Shit, fifteen minutes into the show, and not even a hint of a match yet. Are we watching Raw?

**Dark Child

TV: Collect all 10,350!

Tom: With special "Karate Suck" Action!

***Little Boy1: I'm gonna be mastiff and Lightning Kidd and beat you for the belts!***.

Seth: (Little Boy #2) I'm going to be Michael Jackson and scar you for life!

TV: I don't back child abuse...usually...but that boy needs to learn a lesson.

***Little boy2: Well I'm gonna be ICP and beat you to shangra-la!***

TV: I'll beat YOU to shangra-la, you little...

Tom: They say wrestling stunts the intellect of todays youth. Apparently, they're right!

***Commercial 2: New Immproved XCW cereal fortified with vitamins and minerals for your day!***

Seth: Double the recommmmended daily requiremment of Vitammin M!

TV: I heard the slogan for that cereal should be "Eat Shit and Die!"

***Back stage assault!***

TV: Oh, crap, not that crappy WCW video game.

Crow: I'm making a break for it... FREEDOM!


Crow: Didn't there use to be a small train here?

Seth: I remodeled for this season.

***As the camera cuts back ICP and OG Blood are back stage pondering how to attack the Killer Klowns***

TV: Stomp on their floppy feet and squeeze their big red noses. That'll learn 'em.

Seth: Just rap for them. Their brains will implde from the sucktitude of it and they're easy meat!

***as the Klowns round the corner ICP jumps them from behind and throws a trash can over their heads and Og Blood starts beating them with a bat!***

Tom: Strategic geniuses, the lot of them.

TV: I just hope ICP doesn't start rapping to the beat.

***From behind them they hear a noise and turn to see Mastiff And LK standing there looking at them***

Crow: (LK) This album sucks, I want a refund.

TV: Given away by their loud blinking. That's the second time this month.

***OG Blood grabs Violent Jay to run and they run into Frank Christian and Creole Williams***

Seth: (sings) A run-run-run-run-a runaway!

***Who grab Violent jay and Shaggy and drop HUGE ddts on them***

TV: Alright. Keep dropping it until they die.

Seth: Then get Fred Durst in, and do the same spot again.

***OG Blood has his hands full with mastiff.***

Crow: ...Baiting.

TV: Original Groper?

Tom: i was hoping this show would be LESS smutty than usual.

***Mastiff gets behind OG BLOOD***

Tom: But I guess not.

***and hits his darkside destroyer***

TV: Ewww.

Seth: Ick! Is that like riding his Chocolate Love Tunnel?

TV: Beware of absolute penetration.

***leaving the men laying they all then turn their attention to the klownz who have stood up***

Crow: The Azz Clownz.

***Creole and Frank super kick on jester and lk and mastiff 3D joker!***

TV: He's a jester. He's a joker. He's a midnight toker.

Tom: Who the heck is Mastiff "3-D" Joker? Man, this roster is more bloated than Bertha Fae at that time of the month!

[Tom does a double-take]

Tom: Great, now I'M doing it!

TV: It's OK, Tom. Just let it flow. No pun intended.


Seth: Hey, we got commentators! Or morons shouting at least.

TV: Wait. A cat is asking if we saw a dog giving a transfusion? This is confusing.

***FTW? ***


Crow: Huh? He speaks in acronyms? If he tells us he's LOLing, I say shoot to kill.


TV: Seth, find me a stake.

Seth: And somewhere, Vampiro and Gangrel thank their lucky stars they haven't had to join THIS fed.

***Dogg: No, catt the Project won't come back they are missing one member and that member sadly died last Sunday!***

Tom: He was working for XCW, so I assume he took the easy way out.

TV: Sad when a shitty efed has higher standards than the members of The Doors, who reformed without Morrison.

***Michael Lockwood AKA Crash Holly***

Seth: Now that's a little fucking tasteless...

***AKA Aphazel in the xcw tragically died last Sunday after asphicsiation due to alcohol poisoning.***

TV: Damn, and I thought Crash hit his lowest when he worked for TNA.

Seth: We have a new reason to hate the people who wrote this card. Crow, add it to the list.

Crow: I'm going to need a bigger piece of paper.

***This show and all other from here out will be dedicated to the wrestlers who could not be with us any longer!***

TV: And the many, many viewers who don't want to be with you any longer.

Tom: XCW: The Leading Cause in Suicidal Depression among wrestling fans.

***Catt: God rest his soul, 'ey Dogg?***

Seth: It's The Cajun Avenger.

Tom: (Dogg) Woof woof woof woof!

Crow: (Catt) REOW!

***Dogg looks at catt: Shut up, Catt!***

Tom: (Mark Madden) Catfight! Catfight!

***Catt: uh, yeah, whatever!***

Seth: That's pretty much my opinion of the show, too. Yeah, whatever, just shoot me now.

***Anyway folks there are rumors flying that a young man who has been to "HELL" and back against mastiff has returned to the squared circle***

TV: I've been to Mexico. But I don't go bragging about it.

Crow: Oh boy! I hope it's Bill! No, Ted! Both! They'll be an EXCELLENT tag team!

***however reports are sketchy and we aren't really shhh…***

TV: Is he leaking?

Seth: Aren't really what? Shhhhh...it? Yes you are, I'm afraid.

***The lights in the arena fade to black.***

Crow: Ahhhhgh! It's starting again! We're dooomed!

TV: Who do we have to pay to keep them that way?

***Dogg: What did you do now?***

Seth: (Catt) Don't make me scratch your eyes out!

Tom: (Dogg) Shut up and let me lick my balls in peace.

***Catt: Not me dogg, HIM! On the stage showered by a red spot light stands a man 6'7***

Crow: I'm all for personal hygiene, but couldn't he shower backstage like everyone else?

***with a black t-shirt that reads***

Seth: "Super Fun Day in Happy-Good Land!" He must have brought it in Japan.

TV: No, wait, it says, Abortions Are Mean. Oh, save the preaching, pal.

***returned from the pit to destroy your dreams of gold!***

TV: His T-shirt is poorly grammatical.

Seth: Mastiff mistakes it as an invite to a golden shower and comes running out.

***The man's blond hair is pushed back by a red bandana ***

Tom: Actually, that looks more like a red bandanabannafofanna.

TV: And the blond hair ain't gonna take that shit. It's time for an impromptu match.

***and is standing straight on end! ***

Seth: You're right, it looks pissed.

TV: He should stop sticking his dick in the outlet.

Crow: Dragonball Z has a lot to answer for, fashion-wise.

***All at once Satan's Child by Danzig Hits the PA! Satan has made his return to the XCW!***

[Seth slides off his chair laughing.]

TV: (Dogg) I hope he doesn't need an animal sacrifice.

Seth: (From the floor) Hail to thee, our pouty blonde Master!

Tom: Who knew the Prince of Lies was a wussy anime character?

***Raises his arms and the crowd goes INSANE! ***

TV: With laughter.

***Satan begins to speak in the mic he brought to the stage with him!***

Seth: (Satan) Bow down before the Slightly-emo Dark Lord! Slayer kinda rocks! Woo!


TV: (Satan) Jesus thought this thing was over. But I'll get the last laugh.

Crow: And here comes Santa Claus to do a run-in! Ho, ho, ho!

***The crowd goes nuts again!***

Seth: (Satan) Why do they keeping yelling out "Nuts"? Are mine out?

***Satan:You know what I missed most about this? TALENT!***

TV: So, why are you back here then?

Crow: Maybe Talent is one of the 15, 000 guys in the backstage area we haven't met yet? Former lover?

***Yeah there is a little talent in the other feds I was in but, Nothing compares to where you are a GOD!***

TV: The God of what? Bad hair?

Seth: (Satan) Of course, being Beelzebub, I should be used to the whole "God" thing.

***The crowd goes nuts again.***


Crow: XCW is playing at the Chipmunk Convention...

TV: Or a fag fest.

***Suddenly pyros erupt around the stage and through the flames steps Mastiff***

Seth: Don't burn your...

Tom: NUTS!

TV: Funny, that seems like a thing, I dunno, Satan would do.

***he is walking intently down to the ring!***

Crow: He should be an Indian Chief, because he's "in tents"!

[Seth slaps crow]

Seth: BAD PUN!

***Staring at Satan the whole way***

TV: Maybe he wants to sell his soul to get out of this fed.

[Burst of static]

***age on a zip line.***

Seth: Th' fuck?

***As he makes his entrance the cage door is slammed shut***

TV: Umm...huh?

Seth: Anyone else lost all of a sudden? This card must have been edited by leatherface.

***and a heavy iron Padlock is put on it.***

Crow: Are we even still watching XCW?

TV: We can't be. This looks like a match. XCW doesn't have matches.

***The ring anouncer Jimmy The Retard holds up the midwieght belt for all to see.***

Tom: Nope, this is XCW all right.

TV: And now Jimmy's eating some glue. Lovely.

Seth: Written by Barry the Bonehead and Edited by John "ADD" Brown.

***Sting and Lightning kid size each other up on the unforgiving steel mat***

Crow: A steel mat? And I thought BOB had some idiotic match stipulations.

***and they circle each other.***

Seth: Unforgivingly. It's an Unforgiving Everything Match.

Tom: I'll never forgive Ed for making us watch it...

***As they lock up sting goes for a body slam and connects Lightning kid with ribs still messed up from the cynder block writhes in pain***

Seth: Cynder Block.. didn't she star in a lot of 80's ninja films?

TV: I was gonna guess 80s porn films.

***He slowly gets back up.***

Crow: Hulk Hogan still thinks he's expending too much energy. Slow DOWN, brother!

***They lock again this time LK gets the upper hand looking for a huge move***

Seth: Arm grapevine! Arm grapevine! Five bucks says it's the arm grapevine!

TV: Give us a corkscrew leg drop.

Crow: Snapmare, Kid!

*** he goes for a samoan drop***

TV: But sadly, the Samoans are all out looking for nuts at the concession stand.

Tom: Having failed geography, he instead nails a Kiribati Khrusher.

***but his ribs won't allow it.***

Setj: (Generic Ref) I'll allow it!

TV: Oh no! How did Setj get back in here?

Seth: Man, I thought I padlocked that wardrobe. Beat it, you bum!

***Both men hit the mat. LK gets up first and then he attacks putting Sting in a modified Scorpion Deathlock!***

Seth: It's the Scorpion Dorklock.

***Sting Powers out and the men circle each other sting is whipped into the ropes***

Crow: And we finally learn Stings' last name. I guess he's related to Jim Powers.

TV: No wonder he wears the paint. It's to hide that fact.

***and as he hits he fallls in excrutiating pain the ropes are made of barb wire and very unforgiving.***

Tom: (XCW Narrator) Did I mention that? I'm sure I mentioned that. Barbed wire. Ouch.

TV: And when he gets home, his family will be very unforgiving that he came home.

Seth: Clint Eastwood in XCW's Unforgiving.

***LK attacks again and sting counters it***

TV: In unforgiving fashion.

Crow: Generic Wrestling Move #4, countered by Generic Counter #2b. What a match!

***Putting the man up for a powerbomb but as sting bring the man crashing to the mat***

Seth: Who's the man? We don't know! And neither does anyone involved with this shemozzle.

***LK counters the bomb into a DDT! Sting is out, LK makes the cover the ref counts 1…2…thr Sting kicks out!***

Tom: Leonard Maltin would give this match a "Bomb", all right.

***Dogg: WOW! That was ammasing!***

TV: It was so amazing he forgot how to spell.

Seth: I'm amassing uite a grudge against this fed. If they weren't out of business already, they'd be blood on the locker room walls.

***How can a man get belt with steel and kick out?!?***

Crow: Get belt with steel. Use belt on door. Fuck the little green goblin.

Seth: I don't understand "door".

Tom: Text adventure references. Way to date yourselves, guys.

***Catt: it just goes to show you Dogg, Determination and greed drive men to madness!***

TV: That, and alcohol...and chicks.

Tom: That reminds me Seth, I have Treys commital papers here for you to sign.

***Yeah like man who made this match? Who the hell did make this Match?***

Crow: Who the hell gives a damn about his match?

***Catt: Mastiff, I believe?***

Seth: Another guy we'll never forgive for this pile of crud we're being forced to watch.

TV: He should have his hands cut off for writing this crap and so he can never write again. Hell, let's take his vocal chords, too, just so he can't dictate a show.

***Dogg: Like I said, MAD! Anyways back to the action!***

TV: We've got a mad dog. Get the shotgun.

Tom: XCW was brought to you by MAD Magazine. It's Unforgivingly Funny!

***LK is on the top turnbuckle. Goes for a Moonsault. Sting tries to move, And he does.***

TV: A moonsault off of barbed wire ropes? The fuck?

Seth: Goofy match stips, meet ADD. God, this is thrilling. If this card gets any more generic, there's a chance we'll slip into suspended animation.

***LK lands on nothing but STEEL his face is gashed open and stings back is torn open***

[Hiss of carbonation]

Seth: And our beers are open!

TV: (LK) I may have won $1 million? Woohoo!

***LK is dizzy and doesn't know where he is.***

Crow: When he realises he's still in XCW, he's going to cry like a baby.

***Sting goes to grab his bat, IT'S GONE!***

Seth: (Chris Berman) That bat is OUTTA HERE!

TV: It must be hunting for insects to eat.

Crow and Tom: Squeak.

Seth: This isn't "It Flies By Night", guys.

***Sting searches frantically.***

TV: (Sting) Somebody call 911!

Tom: if I was him, I'd be looking for a way the hell out of XCW.

***There is movement in the ring LK rolls out of the ring and another man rolls in!***

Crow: Only one? What about the other 18,000 guys on the roster who need a push?

TV: The part of Lightning Kid will now be played by Diabolus Moronus.

*** Sting goes back to LK or the man he thinks is LK and goes to grab the man into a Scorpion Death Drop.***

Seth: Grab me a bagel while you're there, pal.

***As he gets the man to his feet the man picks up sting in a dominator type move and slams him fasce first on the steel.***

Tom: That could crush his fasce!

[Three minutes later.]

Seth: Hmm, two minutes less than last time. Maybe the joke's wearing thin?

***Blood sprays from his nose and a gash across his forehead as the man hits the mat***

TV: (Satan) Say, could you come water my evil garden with your face?

***and rolls out and LK rolls in and puts Sting into a wals of jericho type maneuver.***

TV: A sloppy Boston crab? Yep, looks about right.

Seth: It's the Wales of Jericho! Fear his Canadian close-harmony singing!

***The ref unlocks the cage and slides in to look for the submission***

TV: (Sting) While you're at it, could you look for my bat?

Crow: And maybe look a little harder for the obvious run-in?

Seth: They should NOT have hired Stevie Wonder as a special guest ref.

***grabs the arm of sting and lifts it up***

Tom: (Ref) He'll never miss this watch.

*** it flops to the ground.***

[Everyone looks at Trey]

TV: Huh? What? I got nothing to say...really...*ahem*

***Lifts again it flops to the ground.***

TV: Just like a limp...uh...*ahem*

Tom: He's struggling. Resist, Trey, RESIST!

***He lifts one last time and it flops to the ground.***

TV: (LK) It's OK, Sting. It happens to everybody. We can try again in 30 minutes.

Tom: Damn. Here's your five bucks, Crow.

Crow: Sucker bet.

***The ref calls for the bell as LK breaks the hold and grabs his belt***

Seth: (Ref) Herrrrrre, bellbellbellbellbell! Whoosa good boy, den!

TV: (Ref) Hey, let go of my belt! I'm not into domination type of maneuvers!

***blood sweat and tears pouring down his face***

Crow: And warm pee pouring into his boots. He really should have gone before the match.

***as the dark contingent come down the ramp to congradulate their brother.***

Seth: That's probably another typo. In reality, the Dark CONTINENT arrived to congratulate LK. Who knew they could afford a cameo by Africa?

***Dogg: Well, That was interesting. Who the hell was that that slid into the ring?***

TV: Through the steel cage, no less.

Tom: David Copperfield?

***Catt: it was LK! Geez weren't you watching the match? ***

Crow: A sensible option in this bots opinion.

***Dogg: Cat what are you thinking about when matches are going on.***

TV: (Catt) Chasing mice.

Seth: Anyone else feel like neutering both these dimwits?

***Look here in the replay this man slides in hits Sting with this move, and then right back out and LK is back into to claim the victory!***



***Catt: SERA SERA!***

Crow: Que?

TV: Kay?

Seth: And the award for Dumbass Catchphrase of the Year goes to... well, Hallucination Boy. With Catt a distant second.

***H&K VS Good Ole Boys #1 Contendership***

TV: Oh crap, the WCW bookers are a tag team now?

Tom: I thought the Duke Boys would have been too old to wrestle now. They probably still draw in Hazard County, though.

***Dogg: well here we go again Catt, Good Ole boys versus the Headhunters.***

Crow: It's a Same Shit, Different Booker Match!

***Catt: Yeah WOO HOO! That last match was bloody though huh Dogg!***

TV: Catt must be borderline retarded. Though that might be giving too much credit.

Seth: He snuck over the border a segment or two back.

***Dogg: SHUT UP Catt call the match!***

Tom: And Dogg just followed him to Tijuana!

***Good ole boys and the headhunters are already in the ring!***

TV: Wow, two jobber entrances in one match. That bodes well...

Crow: The Suckipowers EXPLODE!

***The bell sound and the match starts with jj flash***


Seth: (sings) King of the impossible!

***and Heckler in the ring***

Crow: Just like us four hecklers in the audience.

***jj gives up about a foot and a half and at least 120 poundsto heckler***

TV: And then falls over on his stumps.

Seth: It's Ampu-Dome! 1.56 men enter, 0.78 men leave!

[Rapid voice-over: Seth wishes to thank the B-Movie Boards Hecubus for the preceding riff. All rights reserved.]

***They square up Heckler goes to make a grab JJ drops a dropkick to the knee of heckler the big man falls but is back up!***

Tom: Wow, is his ass made of rubber, or are they wrestling on a trampoline?

Crow: Maybe he's a Weebel.

Seth: I hope he slams a bodyslam next.

***Heckler grabs jj in a chokeslam type move***

Seth: Not what I was hoping for. XCW is a cruel, and somewhat mind-numbing mistress.

***when suddenly creole slams the big man with a huge forearm smash to the back.***

TV: Pardon me. I believe that was actually a forearm smash type move. Thank you.

Seth: If anyone starts ass-slamming, I'm leaving.

***Heckler turns his attention to Creole and this gives jj a chance.***

Crow: (JJ) I think I can, I think I can...

***Heckler turns around and is hit with a flash powder***

Tom: Hey, JJ just spontaneously combusted! This show's starting to get interesting.

TV: And here comes Homeland Security to shut down the arena.

Everyone: Yay!

***he then charges across the ring to kick Koch off the apron***

Seth: At least he didn't grab Koch. That would take balls.

***but as he lifts his leg for a big boot***

TV: And a quick piss.

***Koch lowers the bridge on him and JJ is hung***

Seth: ...Like an anorexic fieldmouse.

TV: Noose, stat!

Tom: For him or for you, Trey?

TV: Him...I think...

***on the rope! JJ falls back into the ring, Heckler quickly covers the man. Kick Out.***

Crow: Nearly had him down for a one-count. My heart would have been in my mouth if I had one.

***Heckler goes for a chokeslam again he feels the ring move under the force of creole***


Crow: Look out Luke Skywalker.

Tom: You notice he stole his entire moveset from the Undertaker. BOTH moves, in fact!

***and mule kicks at just the right time to bring the 400 pounder down.***

Seth: (Heckler) I'm so depressed. Where's that noose?

***Heckler goes for broke with a maneuver that could beat both men in one shot!***

TV: Alright, he's got a gun. Now we're talking. One shot, one win, one life sentence. Everybody wins.

Seth: I'm hoping it's a state with Capital Punishment, personally.

***He spins the little JJ Flash***

All: Ah-AHHHH!

Seth: (sings) He'll save every one of us!

***around and chokeslams him onto creole! And then covers both men!***

Crow: ...With a secret blend of cajun spices.

***The 3 is counted and the Headhunters face the clowns for the tag belts!***

[Brief period of silence]

Tom: Ummm.. yay?


TV: Uh oh. Is this a CSI case?

Tom: Crappy Show Investigators?

Crow: I won't get fooled again... into watching this crap.

***Da Bloodz are in their locker room standing around talking about***

Seth: SHAFT!

Crow: Shut yo mouth!

Seth: They're just talking about Shaft.

***getting revenge for the attack that took place on the ramp at the house show.***

Tom: I'm hoping it was a drive-by. Anything to reduce the XCW's roster.

TV: Must've been Da Cripz.

Crow: Da Crapz?

***The Locker room door is kicked in***

Seth: (Bender) Cheese it, it's the Feds!

TV: Hope they flushed their stash.

***and Darkchild, Tyr, Thor, Curse,***

Seth: Son-of-a-BITCH!

TV: John. Joe. Billy. Jesse. And a cast of thousands enter.

***Riot and Dominion***

Tom: Bill, Ted, Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice...

Crow: the starting line-up for the Detroit Pistons...

Seth: And XXXtreme Machine, but everyone ignores him.

***Charge through the door and a locker room brawl insues***

TV: I think I'll call Jerry Lawyer and sue this fed for brain damage.

***that stems on for 5 minutes before security and police arrive!***

Seth: XCW: Make Up Your Own Shit, We're Busy!

***The fight is broken up and the men are detained until sikkness gets there.***

Crow: They're being detained? Did they all jump the border?

TV: They're being detained to be given a sickness instead of being detained because they are sick. Nice. Infect them all and leave them there until they rot.

Seth: I think the XCW management hangs out at Guantanamo Bay a lot. This is psychological torture, plain and simple.

***Sikkness: You boys are so intent on fighting then here's what we do! Project vs. Da Bloodz at the PPV 6 on 6 elimination/survivor match! That is all! The Sikkness has SPREAD!***

TV: Just in time for the cops to give him a nasty full body cavity search.

Tom: I hope the sickness is that killer Flu from The Stand. Wiping out 99.97% of the worlds population is a small price to pay for no mor XCW shows.

***Asylum match up!***

TV: Beware of anal rape.

Seth: Welcome to Arkham Asylum for the criminally Demented. I take it you're here to meet the XCW writer?

***Tate walker walks***

Crow: Man, that guy's getting predictable.

TV: And Seth Harker harkens.

Seth: And Trey Vincent... well, drinks, and books matches to put himself over, really.

TV: I guess I'm pretty predictable then, too.

***down the aisle of the asylum with the KLOWNZ in tow***

Tom: Why is there an aisle in the asylum? Did they convert it into an off-Broadway theatre?

Seth: (Klown 1) Hey, untie us you prick! I'm not in this match!

***they see icp and quickly give chase***

TV: Chevy? That's just cruel. This show is bad enough.

***as tate rounds a corner he is met with a fire extinguisher***

Crow: (Fire extinguisher) howdy! I'm Gassy the Fire Extinguisher, boys and Girls!

Seth: The obligatory fire extinguisher. It's HARDCORRRRE!

***and 2 other clowns as they kick and stomp they are met by the killer klownz***

TV: I'd like to kill all these clowns.

Tom: Clowns are scary.Escpecially Crappy Rapping Wrestling Clowns.

Seth: Good name for a band, though.

***who put them through a corroding wall into the asylums morgue!***

Seth: Well, the show's dead in the water, so it's an appropriate place to be.

***A body falls from it's refridgerator scaring Shaggy 2 Dope and the killer Klownz come through the wall***

Tom: (Newsreader) The final performance of Cirque D Soleil was marred by boring, crappy brawling today...

***Tate Busy with OG Blood does not see but here's the commotion and the blood curdling screams and bones snapping***

Seth: Fuck, it's Woody Allen on crack!

Crow: I have no idea what's going on here! Was his show written by Foamy the Squirrels' ADD-affected friend?

***he then smiles at OG Blood and kicks him in the nuts!***

Tom: Well, there's a reference to nuts, so probably.

Seth: Trey, come back, it's not worth it! Ed's playing MIDI ABBA!

Trey: (From off-screen) Ahhhhhhhh!

***Blood is down and tate wraps the straight jacket around him***

Crow: Can we get one for Trey, too?

Tom: And a padded room?

***Then he goes to see what there is left that he can do with Icp and finds himself staring at a massacre neither group is in the morgue but there is rotting flesh and bones and mummified corpses***

[Trey returns.]

TV: Look, it's like every Cannibal Corpse album cover.

Tom: That's your Medicare System at work, America! I hope you're happy!

***Tate almost pukes and runs throught the mess looking for the others!***

Seth: Shot on location in Rawanda.

TV: When did this become a Resident Evil ripoff.

Tom: About ten seconds after the XCW Tequila-Shot Booking Meeting started.

***Tate finds the others but he turns and pukes heavily the killer klowns are standing over what is left of icp with axes in hand smiling at each other icp has been "FIRED" so to speak!***

Seth: YES! Suddenly this is the greatest show EVER!

Crow: It's a happy ending the whole family can enjoy!

TV: Good, wholesome, family entertainment. It gives a good lesson. If you suck, you will be brutally slaughtered to bits. Take note, Durst.

Tom: If I send them the address, you think they'll do the same to the remaining members of Creed?


TV: What, is it shaped like a pentagram with upside down barbed wire crosses all around it?

Seth: It's a cell. From Hell. Starring Johhny Depp as the Dope-head English Guy.

***the auditorium goes silent***

Tom: Except for the snoring.

***as Dogg and Catt have come from behind the desk to announce the next match.***

TV: Ewww. Didn't need to know that.

Seth: They got good distance, you have to admit that.

Crow: Jenna Jameson, special guest timekeeper.

*** Dogg begins to tell the story of Aphazel Demonaz the youngest brother of Mastiff who tragically died a week ago.***

Seth: All their wrestlers die prematurely. Why? Because even DEATH is better than XCW!

*** Suddenly as arrogant as he can be Gfet your Groove on hits the PA***

Tom: (Pa) Ow! Not again!

TV: I've got to gfet my boozing on.

Seth: "Gfet Your Groove On"? Is Setjh moonlighting as their DJ?

Setjh: Yur, yur, yur.

***and out comes GP Blood as he hits the ring Satan's child hits the PA***

Tom: (Pa) Of, for God's sake! I'm sittin' in the nosebleeds next time!

***and satan comes through the curtain***

[Seth gets the giggles again]

TV: He's really hard up. Fucking a curtain. Poor bastard.

Seth: Hey, when the Prince of Darkness looks like a gay Ethan Hawke, you have to take hat you can get.

***from behind he is hit with a WICKED chair shot***

Crow: (Satan) Hey, I'M the wicked one, here! Stop stealing my gimmick!

Seth: Billy Graham did a run-in! Hallelujah!

***dropping him in pain***

Tom: He's the Dark Prince of Wussbags.

***as he writhes OG Blood comes through the curtain***

Seth: Ewww, he got Satan's sloppy seconds.

TV: Man, that curtain is a slut.

***he raises the chair for a crushing blow and out comes someone no one has ever seen.***

TV: That's pretty hard to accomplish, considering nearly the entire population was out here earlier.

Seth: He's actually been on the roster for nine years, but this is the first time the bookers remembered that fact.

*** Shio Corin grabs the chair***

TV: I liked his old name better. Shit Corin. More fitting.

***and then grabs OG Blood and drops a rappers delight onto the chair and walks away!***

TV: He dropped a blunt on his chair?

Seth: I thought he'd hit him with a big-ass chick in hotpants.

***OG is left a bloody drooling mess***

Crow: Much like Trey halfway through the show.

Seth: Or Comabot 23 hours a day.

TV: Or Kay Fabe, after a night with Seth.

Seth: Half true, though a truly disgusting image, Trey.

***as "Sweating bullets" hits the PA and comes Mastiff!***

Tom: (Pa) DAGNABBIT! C'mon, kin, we's leaving!

TV: Pa's gonna join the Head Trauma Boys pretty soon.

***The crowd goes insane***

Seth: Been there, done that, seen it like, eight times tonight. Can we get them some Ritialin?

***Mastiff is heavily taped and bandaged from the nastiness that has transpired recently.***

Crow: Dunno how they managed to tape his ass, though. Must have been REALLY nasty.

***He is kind of limping***

TV: Must be exhausted from being in every single segment of the show.

Seth: I think Shawn Michaels taught him how to sell an injury.

***Towards the ring holding his ribs***

Crow: He's dripping barbecue sauce everywhere!

TV: (Announcer) You can get the juiciest ribs in the world at Roscoe's. What's that name? Roscoe's!

***he is showing his demeanor as a true champion.***

TV: I thought true champions held down the younger, more talented sports entertainers...oh wait...this is XCW...there aren't any of those here.

Seth: That's not all he's showing. Must have given the curtain a quick thrill on the way out... wanna zip it up, pal?

Tom: That curtain is worse than Lita ever was.

Seth: Next week on Raw, Edge will cut a bitter promo on it.

***He enters the ring where Satan and GP Blood are already fighting.***

Crow: (sings) Everybody was Wuss-Bag fighting!

***As he slides in the Cage is dropped around the ring all men are locked in and the match is under way!***

Tom: Well, at least this should be good. There's never been a bad Hell in a Cell Match, right?

Seth: I don't know. Trey, ever been in a Hell in the Cell?

TV: No...Hey!

***Mastiff grabs Satan and smashes him in the lower back with a knee!***

TV: Break his devil horns. I mean, his hair.

Seth: (Mastiff) That's for whoring around with my curtain, you man-slut!


***Satan howls in pain because of the chai***



[The screen goes black]

Comabot: (muffled) Narf!

Seth: And I think... that's our lot.

TV: Did the tape machine commit suicide?

Seth: It's a distinct possibility. Come on, let's go dig out Comabot.

Crow: And never, EVER speak of this again.



TV: Hello, I'm Trey Vincent. If you're a tape projector, and you're feeling suicidal after watching an XCW event, please think about it. Sure, things may look bad for you now. But think about the future. What if in a couple of weeks, somebody decides to show a Wicked Pictures marathon on you? What if in a month, somebody decides to show "The Godfather" on you. And what if in three months somebody decides to show "The Very Best Of Trey Vincent." Then how will you feel? Downright silly, I'd bet.

TV: We know it's hard. Hell, we were there with you. Plenty of other projectors have survived tough times. Like the machines that screened "Battlefield Earth." Sure, it was tough, but they survived to show better movies. Give yourself a couple hours before you decide to do anything drastic. Think.

TV: There are resources to help you. Go to www.suicidalmachines.com. There, you can find answers to many of your questions. And we can stop another senseless tragedy from happening. Thank you. And on behalf of the iAd, keep those films and tapes rolling. At least until you're all replaced by DVD.

©2005 iAd entertainment. And where's my noose?

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