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iAd vs. WWFX (MST3K 1.3)

Hot poker + naughty place = Heaven compared to this fed

Disclaimer: gay male unconscious knock chloroform is bad. So is this efed. -Leary & Skeeter.


[The Satellite of Love. Crow and Tom enter the shot, duelling with rapiers. Both wear hats with large feathers in and silk sashes.]

Crow: Heave at thee, D'artagnan!

Tom: Forsooth! Prepare to be skewered, mon ami!

[Seth Harker enters the shot, weaing a pair of Mickey Mouse ears and a white T-shirt with "Cubby" written on the front. Everyone freezes as Seth surveys the bots.]

Seth: You guys have GOT use a spellchecker next time you e-mail me...

[There's a knock at the door. Seth opens the hatch, revealling a UPS delivery man.]

UPS guy: Delivery for Seth Harker!

Seth: Ahh, the videotape of todays wrestling event has arrived...

[The delivery man wheels in a huge packing case, nearly seven feet high.]

Tom: What the hell?

Seth: Wow. No wonder the delivery charges seemed excessive.... Give me a hand with this, guys.

[Seth and the bots open the case. Inside, a tall, well-built pro-wrestler stands, holding a video tape.]

Seth: (Direct to Camera) Ladies and getlemen... Trey Vincent!

TV: Finally, fans, Trey Vincent has come back to your television screens. With the iAd, we are going to force you to watch the absolute worst in sports entertainment because you fans have the gall to try to live vicariously through another person. What's wrong with you people? Why don't you just go make up a character and write little roleplays for him or her. Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts, Seth Harker, those sexbots, who can stop the iAd from boring you to death? What the hell are we watching tonight? What inferior brand of sports entertainment can we watch tonight?

Seth: Tonight, we have the WWFX. World Wrestling Federation Xperience.

TV: Because God knows we don't get enough of them on Raw and Smackdown. Hell, let's create ANOTHER show. What's this mess called?

Seth: Errrmm.. "Eruption."

TV: Is that because the show is so bad, my stomach is going to heave and a firey mess of vomit is going to erupt from my mouth?

Crow: I believe it's because the entire company explodes from trying to compress all it's crappyness into a single show...

Tom: Oh, yeah... Mount St. Hell-of-a-Bad-Card...

Seth: Only time will tell... we got WRESTLING SIGN!

[Door sequence. In the theatre, the foursome take their seats. Comabot rolls the tape. And may God have mercy on us all!]

****Some are born great
Some achieve greatness****

Seth: This federations' staff contains neither of those...

****Get into the xperience
World Wrestling Federation Xperience****

TV: The only thing TV wants to get into has a pulse, and if I'm lucky, two breasts, two arms and two legs.

Tom: And the legs are optional...

****Eruption
Every W?ednesday****

TV: Feeling the heat from the ratings already boss?

Seth: (Monster Truck Announcer) W?ednesday, W?ednesday, W?ednesday! W?hat are W?e W?aiting for! W?oohoo!

Tom: (WWFX President)Events on Wednesdays! Unless the cards are late, I have homework, I just plain forget, or our crappy little site on Geocities crashes! But probably Wednesday...

****WWF-XPERIENCE provide the best Events around! Sometime results might be a little late but results will be up without a doubt.****

TV: He obviously hasn't seen jOlt. jolt.slike.com. Or the fWo. www.fwowrestling.com. But I digress.

[Seth holds up his official "Blood, Sweat And Chairs" T-shirt to the camera. www.efeduniverse.com/bscw]

Crow: Cheap plug...

****WWF-XPERIENCE has changed how it makes matches to what it used to. Wrestler would roleplay against each other to make matches.****

Crow: Now we make our wrestlers tango naked in a pit of Jello.

****But this time around I 'Adam Norton'

Seth: (50's Radio Announcer) "Adam Norton: Man of Steel!"

****will make all the matches and you the members and the wrestlers will roleplay for them.****

Crow: Or else!

****That way we can have good storylines and angles that can be stuck to. Rather than drifting off.

Seth: Speaking of drifting off, someone wake up Tom...

[Trey nudges him]

Tom: Wha..? Huh? I'm awake, Mom! Huh?

****If anyone tries to make a match of their own in roleplays they will be warned. After 3 Warnings you will be suspended.****

TV: Oh, the horror. I guess I 'Adam Norton' is an EVIL MAN. Coherant storylines and angles are so 1999. Get with the times!

****Eruption Results****

Seth: ...in mass tedium for its viewers...

****Wednesday 20th March
Eruption kicks off live from The Wembley Arena in London, United Kingdom with a United Kingdom Crowd on their feet****

TV: Oh damn, they couldn't get all the Canadians flown over to the UK? Bloody bastards. Meanwhile, in America, this show opens with Trey Vincent sitting on his ass.

Tom: The crowd's on it's feet because Adam Norton was too cheap to spring for chairs...

****JR - Hi folks, welcome to Eruption, what a Wresltemania we had a few nights ago,****

TV: Should I do a bells palsy joke here? Or would it be too easy to blame a disease for his marble mouth?

Seth: Politically incorrect, but I'm not going to stop you...

Crow: Geez, how many Wrestlemanias are there on the internet this month? What is this, Wrestlemania LXXIII?

****We had new Tag Team Champions Crowned. A New WWFX Television Champion & WWFX United States Champion Crowded, and also a New WWFX Internet Champion & WWFX HaRdCoRe Champion Crowd!!****

TV: I hate when people crowd me. I am such a big star.

Seth: It was Belts-a-Palooza 2002! Everyone got one! Even Howard Finkel won a title!

****King - It was surely a night of the champions JR, and Lita is once again the WWFX Internet Champion,****

Tom: And "Virtually" no-one gives a crap!

Seth: That was unusually subtle for you, Tom...

****due to the fact that her and Rachel did well as a team, beating Torrie & Sara. Then Rachel Hardy & Lita went on to fight one on one with Lita out coming the winner!!***

TV: What, did they have a diddling contest and one of them came more than the other? Yeah, nobody has better results and more chicks diddling on pay-per-view than the WWFX!!!!!!!!

Seth: Maybe they used one of those drooling fanboy lemons to determine the results. Lita out comes everyone in the world in those. Well, except Brittany Spears...

Tom: Did you read the one where Lita and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders...?

Crow: Tom!

****JR - Well Lita's celebrations could be over tonight, as she has to face Torrie Wilson for her Internet Championship!! ****

TV: And she's on the rag.

Crow: I sure wouldn't be celebrating if I was in the WWFX... I'd be depressed as hell, 24/7!

****King - Don't forget King, Stacy Keibler defends her Womens Title tonight also, but she is against Rachel Hardy.
JR - I know King, and there is rumours about JJ Crawford being here tonight!****

TV: They got JJ! DynoMITE!

****King - I thought he was fired JR?!!!

Seth: (JR) No, King, his punishment is that he has to finish his career right here, in WWFX!

Crow: (King) Wow, sadistic!

****JR - No, apparently to JJ, that was a fake JJ Crawford at Wrestlemania not JJ Crawford himself!!
King - Well JR, JJ must of got a tattoo just like the real JJ and also must of been working out because he put up a great fight against Norton.
JR - Well JJ could turn up tonight, and he could not. JJ could turn up anywhere, anytime!!****

TV: But only on WWFX programming!

Crow: Becuase no-one else will hire the loser...

****King - But is it gonna be the fake JJ Crawford or the Real JJ Crawford!!****

TV: Dear God, I hope this place doesn't break into a musical and have a song called "Will The Real JJ Crawford Please Stand Up?"

****JR - How the hell do you expect me to work that one out??****

Seth: Trust me, even JJ Crawford hasn't figured it out...

****Well anyway, kicking off Eruption is a Battle Royal for Raven's European Championship!!
'Edge & Christian's Music hits'
'Edge & Christian come out to the stage and they make their way down the ramp to the ring'****

Crow: (Edge) Hi everyone! Eh? We're Edge and Christian, eh? Eh? Eh?

Tom: (Christian) And this federation totally reeks of reekyness!

Crow: (Edge) Eh?

****Ring Announcer: "This next match is a battle royal for the WWFX European Championship. First making their way to the ring, Edge & Christian"
'Brendan Lawlor's Music hits'
'Brendan Lawlor comes out to the stage, and he starts to walk down the ramp to the ring'
Ring Announcer: "Making his way to the ring, Brendan Lawlor"****

TV: Uh oh. Did the King have yet another bastard?

Seth: Well, I envy any middle-aged man who gets to spend a year screwing the socks off the Kat...

****'Rhyno's Music hits'
'Rhyno comes out to the stage and walks down the ramp to the ring'****

TV: Look, it's RhIno. Ha! I'm a rebel. I refuse to sell the Y. Why? Why not?

Seth: And what do we think Rhynos' offensive moves will do to the crowd today?

Tom and Crow: BORE! BORE! BORE!

****Ring Announcer: "Coming to the ring at this time, Rhyno"
JR - Now Rhyno got beaten by Kobra at Wrestlemania King, Will Kobra be a threat to Rhyno in this match?****

Seth: (King) JR, did I tell you my new teenage girlfriend occasionally...

****King - Beats me!!****

Seth: (King) ...with wet broccoli?

Tom: A rhino wouldn't be a threat to a cobra unless he steps on it.... now a mongoose could take him...

Seth: This battle royal is turning into a freakin' menagerie...

****Kobra's Music hits'
'Kobra walks out onto the stage and makes his way down the ramp to the ring'****

Crow: Oh, come on! Where's the variety? Someone dance out onto the stage and run down to the ring!

****Ring Announcer: "Making his way to the ring, please welcome, Kobra"****

Seth: (Cheerfully) Hi, Kobra!

****'DDP & Booker T's Music hits' ****

TV: The remix: It's me, it's me, SUCKA! CAN YOU DIG it's a good thing.

****'Booker T & DDP come out to the stage together and they make their way down towards the ring'
Ring Announcer: "Making their way to the ring, representing The Alliance, Booker T & DDP"****

TV: Man, the Alliance is quality entertainment. Nobody could fuck this angle up.

Seth: Don't watch a lot of television, do you Trey?

****JR - Booker T & DDP got beaten again by Edge & Christian at Wresltemania, but this match is all against all, but I think that some teaming up is gonna happen!!****

TV: Oh, my mistake. The big event was actually called Wresltemania. I thought I was just hearing things. (In a serious voice) Some are born literate. Some learn how to write. Then there's, the WWFX. Get xperienced!

Seth: I can't wait for their next Pay-Per-View, "WWFX Unfrogivne"...

Tom: Is the Dsylexic Avenger booking now?

****King - But it's a Championship Belt JR. They would beat up their partner if Gold was involved!!****

TV: Even for a glass of piss?

****JR - True!!****

Seth: And there's your answer...

TV: Alright then, just had to ask.

****'Raven's Music hits'
'Raven comes out to the stage with the WWFX European Championship Belt over his shoulder, Raven walks down the ramp to the ring'****

TV: These entrances suck. Who likes entrances with no bells or whistles? Pretty soon somebody's gonna come out to a Korn song, ya dig?

Tom: (Blows a whistle)

Crow: (Rings a bell)

[Pause]

Seth: Don't look at me, I don't know any fucking Korn songs...

****Ring Announcer: "Making his way to the ring, the WWFX European Champion, Raven"
JR - Well here comes Raven, the holder of the Belt that everyone in this match is fighting for!!****

TV: Except for Edge, who just does it for the love of the business.

****All 8 men are at the ring. (ring, ring, ring)

TV: Ring (ring, ring, ring).

Seth: Ring (ring, ring, ring).

Crow: Ring (ring, ring, ring).

Tom: Ring (ring, ring, ring).

Telephone: Ring, ring, ring.

Doorbell: Ring.

Diamond (Not Dallas Page): Ring.

Lord Of The Ring (ring, ring, ring).

TV: I rather like this repetition, repitition, repitition. They must have not given JR his script, script, script!

Seth: See Spot ring. Ring, Spot, ring.

****Rhyno has the advantage, but Booker T tries to turn it around with an achilles tendon hold. Booker T is back on his feet. Rhyno moves back to his feet. Booker T gets picked up and dropped***

Seth: Quickest date he's ever had...

***with the fireman's carry by Rhyno.
King - Booker T takes a fireman's carry.****

TV: Deja vu all over again, anyone?

****Booker T executes a swinging bulldog on Rhyno driving Rhyno's face into the mat. Booker T gets caught with****

Crow: ...His pants around his ankles in Vinces' office.

Seth: (Booker T) So how 'bout that push, sucka?

****an elbow smash to the face. Booker T executes the jumping sidekick on Rhyno. Rhyno is back on his feet.****

TV: Look, Rhyno is back on his feet!

****Booker T uppercuts Rhyno.****

TV: Booker T uppercuts RhIno.

****Booker T knifehand chops Rhyno. Booker T tackles Rhyno.****

Crow: (Quickly) Booker T tackles RhIno!

Seth: He beat you to it, Trey...

****Booker T fist drops Rhyno on the mat. Rhyno picks up Booker T and front slams him on the mat. Now Booker T standing. Booker T get nailed with a double axhandle chop from Rhyno.
King - Follows up with a double axhandle chop.*****

Everyone: Follows up with a double axhandle chop!!!

****Booker T gets up. Rhyno gets taken down with an armdrag takedown. Rhyno is back on his feet. Booker T with a headbutt on Rhyno. Rhyno chops Booker T.
JR - chop!****

Everyone: Chop! Chop! Chop!

TV: This commentary is so insightful. Some men are born with insight. Some develop insight. But then there is the master of the obvious. WWFX. Xperience the difference.

****Rhyno kicks Booker T in the stomach. Rhyno slaps Booker T.****

Seth: (Faggy Rhyno) Kick MY stomach, bitch!

TV: Now he's pulling his hair. Now they're strangling each other and rolling around on the mat. And here comes the mud! What the hell happened to this business?

Crow: Vince Russo, that's what...

****Booker T lifts Rhyno up and drops him on the mat. Booker T hits the handspring moonsault on Rhyno.

Seth: That "T" must stand for TAKA!

****Booker T moves back to his feet. Rhyno is back on his feet. Booker T applies the clawhold on Rhyno.****

Tom: That could cave in his face!

Seth: (Snort of laughter)

Trey: Huh?

***Booker T connects with a flying knee. Rhyno goes down.****

Tom: Should we be seeing this? I know they're consenting adults, but there's a time and place for everything...

****Rhyno executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Booker T. Rhyno gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Booker T.****

Seth: Yep, three minutes in and he's repeating his moves. And people say Hogan has a limited offense...

****Booker T flies from the turnbuckle with an elbow drop. Booker T is up again. Booker T kicks Rhyno on the mat. Rhyno gets up. Raven gets up.****

TV: I'm not at all aroused by this. You guys?

Crow: It's doing nothing for me...

Tom: (Sings) Get up, stand up... stand up for your rights!

Seth: Yeah, mon...

****Raven stomps Edge. Now Edge standing. Edge hits a flying karate chop right to Raven's neck.
JR - Edge with a flying karate chop.****

Everyone: Flying karate chop! Flying karate chop! Flying karate chop!

Seth: C'mon, JR... plug the next pay-per-view! Talk football records! ANYTHING!

****Raven connects with a flying knee. Edge goes down. Edge gets up.***

TV: Uh oh!

****Raven bends over as Edge elbows him in the midsection.****

TV: Oh my God! Is he going to rape Raven! Maybe this place deserves that X in its name after all!

Seth: (Edge) Sell THIS, Raven! Eh?

****A side kick by Edge turns the match around by knocking Raven to the mat. Edge is back on his feet. Edge hits Raven with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Edge is up again.****

TV: Those young men and their endurance.

****Edge hits Raven with an elbow drop.
King - elbow drop by Edge.
Now Edge standing. Raven is up again. A flying shoulder block send Raven to the mat. Edge moves back to his feet.****

TV: Did I miss a dismemberment? Oh, the blow of the shoulder block literally knocked Edge's feet from his body! Forget his boots, he was knocked clean off his feet!

****Raven gets up. Raven tries for a power slam but Edge avoids it. Raven goes for a side belly-to-belly suplex but Edge dodges the attack. Raven gouges Edge's eyes out.****

TV: AHHHHHHHH! Oh my God! I've never seen this on TV before! Look at all the blood!

Seth: Tres' cool...

****Flying somersault drop kick by Edge puts him back in the match.****

TV: What a trooper. Even with no eyes and no feet, he's still fighting. Damn it, GIVE HIM THE TITLE! He's Earned it! With a capital E!

Tom: Better watch those somersault kicks. His detachable feet could maim a fan in the third row!

****King - flying somersault dropkick by Edge.****

Seth: I see the King is on "monochrome" commentary tonight...

****Edge is up again. Raven is back on his feet.****

Crow: X-Pac is boring the crowd stupid, and he's not even in the match!

****Raven pins Edge against the ropes and chokes him with his forearm. Edge elbow smashes Raven in the nose. Raven grabs Edge's head and hits him in the face. Raven gives Edge the chair...

Crow: (Raven) Three cheers for Edge! Hip hip...

Everyone: HOORAY!

***Raven spins around and nails the chair into Edge's face!!****

TV: Raven is beating a blind, dismembered man with a chair! What great TV! We need Styles here to Oh My God this show to death!

****Raven gets back to his feet.****

TV: Are those his feet or Edge's feet?

Tom: (Raven) Wait, these feet are size nines! Christian, are these yours? Oh, and Kobra, you waste of space, how about doing something in this match?

Seth: DDP's not doing much, either. But that's not a bad thing... it's a DDP thing.

****Edge moves back to his feet.****

TV: Look, Edge is asking for some crazy glue and stitches.

Seth: (Sings) Happy feet... I got those happy feet...

****Edge executes a springboard bulldog, slamming Raven's head onto the mat.****

TV: Oh GOD! That poor springboard bulldog! I bet he was trying to hurt Raven, but this is TOO FAR!

Seth: That bulldog was innocent! This is a worse justice system than China!

****Edge chants start. Edge stands up.****

TV: On his stumps!

****Christian punches Raven repeatedly. Raven is driven further into the mat by Edge with a diving elbow smash.****

Seth: Oh, my God, he tent-pegged him!

TV: A ring worthy of BOB!

Seth: Yeah, but even BOB has standards enough not to hire Rhyno...

****Now Raven standing. Edge hits a jumping elbow thrust on Raven. Raven executes the jumping sidekick on Edge. Edge moves back to his feet.****

Tom: Again with the feet... he's such a little trooper!

TV: Hang in there buddies. Now he's yelling for some ice!

****Edge kicks Raven's head out of****

Crow: ...The arena, along with his own right foot.

Seth: Mr Potato Head Wrestling presents "WWFX: Detachment Day!"

****desperation because Raven blocked Edge's first kick. Raven is driven further into the mat by Edge with a diving elbow smash.****

TV: I think some main eventer is gonna get pissed about a curtain jerker stealing his mat breaking gimmick.

****Edge climbs to his feet.****

Tom: Because they're in the balcony by now...

****Edge hits Raven with an elbow drop. Edge is up again. Edge gets back into the match with a jumping neck snap on Raven. Raven gets caught with an elbow smash to the face. Edge slaps both sides of Raven's head out of desperation.

Seth: (Slapping Crow) Your sister! Your mother! Your sister! Your mother!

TV: Look at his sockets! Look at his sockets!

****Edge executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Raven. Raven moves back to his feet. Edge goes off the top turnbuckle and double foot stomps Raven. Edge is up again. Raven climbs to his feet. Raven bounces Edge off the ropes and hits him with a backdrop. Raven dives head first into Edge.****

Seth: Uh, Kobra, are you even still in the ring?

****King - What a falling head butt!!
Raven rolls onto Edge connecting with a knee. Edge jumps off the turnbuckle with the flying bodypress on Raven. Now Edge standing. Raven bounces Edge off the ropes and clotheslines him. Raven puts Edge in an arm grapevine submission.*****

TV: Doesn't Edge ever get a rest spot so his eyes can stop bleeding!

****Edge is up again. Raven hits Edge with the back of his elbow. Raven comes from behind ****

Tom: Hey, the match isn't THAT exciting...

****and bulldogs Edge. Raven is back on his feet. Now Edge standing. Christian moves back to his feet.****

TV: Those are Edge's feet!

****Christian tries to even the match with a flying shoulder block. Christian climbs to his feet. Christian hits Raven with an elbow drop. Christian hits Raven with an elbow drop.****

Seth: Oops, Christians' needle got stuck...

****Christian is up again. Now Raven standing. Raven executes the slingshot facebuster, slamming Christian's face to the mat. Raven gets up.
King - What an outstanding match!****

TV: It's a bloodbath!

Seth: C'mon, Edge! Rip your own arm off and beat Rhyno with the soggy end!

****Raven executes a corkscrew legdrop on Christian.
JR - Raven executes a corkscrew legdrop.****

Seth: (JR) Uhhh... Cue?

Tom: On Christian.

Seth: (JR) Oh, right! On Christian!

TV: Look. A TV! Captain Obvious, thy name is JR tonight.

****Raven gets up. Raven fist drops Christian on the mat. Raven moves back to his feet. Christian elbow smashes Raven in the nose. Christian hits a flying karate chop right to Raven's neck.
JR - Raven takes a flying karate chop.
Raven neck snaps Christian.****

Crow: He snapped Christians' neck! That should be a DQ, at least!

****King - neck snap by Raven.****

TV: Alright, I'm ready to hit mute on these announcers. Where's the wit? The sexual inneundo? The humor? The glimmer in the eye that signifies intelligence?

Seth: They're not just phoning in the performance, they've faxed us a copy of last weeks show instead...

****Christian on the turnbuckle, Raven rising from the mat, Christian leaps from the top rope with a bodypress. Christian gets back to his feet. Raven moves back to his feet. DDP gets up.***

Tom: From the brief nap he's been taking...

****DDP knees Brendan Lawlor and rolls back to his feet.****

Crow: He fell over just trying to knee someone? Ohio Valley Wrestling beckons for DDP...

****Brendan Lawlor stands up. Brendan Lawlor punches DDP in the gut. DDP gets back into the match with a jumping neck snap on Brendan Lawlor. DDP pokes Brendan Lawlor in the eye with his thumb. ****

Seth: Ooh, another eye-ectomy!

****Brendan Lawlor picks DDP up and side suplexes him to the mat. Brendan Lawlor stands up. Brendan Lawlor chokes DDP with his boot.
King - DDP really felt that choke!****

TV: He hasn't felt a choke like that since Scott Steiner shot all over his wife on Nitro and DDP laughed.

Seth: Best choke since that Canadian speed-skater at the Olympics!

****Brendan Lawlor stomps DDP's head. DDP gets up. Brendan Lawlor gets thrown into the turnbuckle. DDP comes over and smashes Brendan Lawlor's head into it. Brendan Lawlor gets hit with a back heel kick.
King - Follows up with a back heel kick.****

TV: Shut up! Trey Vincent pisses on your announcing skills.

****Brendan Lawlor gets back to his feet. A lucha-libre style hiptoss by Christian flings Brendan Lawlor to the mat.****

TV: No Billy Polar.

Crow: (Styles) HIPTOSS! LUCHA-STYLE! OH MY GOD! WHAT OFFENSE!

****A side kick by Edge****

Seth: (Robin) Holy Detachable Feet, Batman!

****turns the match around by knocking Brendan Lawlor to the mat.****

Crow: (Edge) That's it, I'm turning this match around and we're going home right now! Eh?

****Christian goes off the top turnbuckle and double foot stomps Brendan Lawlor.
Christian gets up. Brendan Lawlor tackles Christian and pummels his head. Christian gets up.****

Seth: (DJ Ran/Master P... circle whichever the quote applies to) Yo, he's gettin' all up in my area!

****Brendan Lawlor catches Christian's leg, but Christian reverses it with an enzuigiri to Brendan Lawlor's head. Brendan Lawlor stands up. Christian executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Brendan Lawlor. Brendan Lawlor is back on his feet. Rhyno picks up DDP and delivers a tilt-a-whirl suplex. Rhyno gets back to his feet.
JR - My God!! What a match! ****

TV: What's on the Playboy Channel? If I want a long fustercluck, you know I want nudity involved.

Seth: At this point, a Congressional debate on farm subsidies would be interesting by comparison...

****Rhyno hits the handspring moonsault on DDP. Rhyno is back on his feet. DDP gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Rhyno. Now Rhyno standing. Rhyno measures DDP up and drops a closed fist. Rhyno is back on his feet. Rhyno rakes his fingers across DDP's back. Rhyno gets drilled with an inverted back breaker. ***

Seth: Looks like Invisiblo is in this battle royal!

***Raven hits Rhyno with an elbow drop.
King - elbow drop by Raven.****

TV: OK, that's it. Unless these bastards make a relevant comment, we're dubbing them out. Starting now. Me, Seth and the bots will give this card some proper PG-13 commentary.

****Rhyno with a high crossbody on Raven. Rhyno gets back to his feet. Raven is up again. Rhyno applies the clawhold on Raven.****

TV: Right in the groin! Oh man! The testicular claw!

Seth: Raven needs savin'! Wait, here comes Maven! It's vengance he's cravin'!

****Rhyno gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Raven comes over and smashes Rhyno's head into it. Raven runs and tackles Rhyno. ****

Crow: (Chris Berman) It's a fumble! DDP pounces on the loose ball... He could! Go! All! The! WAY!!

****Raven punches him in the head. Rhyno gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Raven. Now Raven standing.****

TV: He never used to be able to stand up. Wasn't he always flat on his back in the past?

Tom: (Drill Seargent) On your feet, maggot! Call yourself a wrestler?! Drop and give me twenty!

****Rhyno is up again.****

TV: This match has seen more hard-ons and fights for Edge's feet. Welcome to the WWFX everyone!

****Rhyno picks Raven up and side suplexes him to the mat. Rhyno moves back to his feet. Rhyno goes for a diving headbutt but Raven dodges the attack. Rhyno delivers a spinning backbreaker to Raven. Rhyno grabs Raven and applies an arm wrench.****

Seth: Ahh, restholds. That's just what this match needed! Shoot me now...

***Raven picks up Rhyno and hits him with a Back Suplex. Raven shoulder tackles Rhyno. Raven climbs to his feet. Rhyno gets back to his feet. Raven punches Rhyno in the gut. Rhyno gets back into the match with a jumping neck snap on Raven.****

TV: WWFX: We wrestle far too long! We're going on a 20 minute match.

Seth: With no eliminations and no input from Kobra...

TV: Where are the angles? Where's the evil booker? Where's the confrontations? Where's the goddam entertainment!

Crow: More to the point, where's the fast-forward button on this remote control?

****Rhyno gets tiger suplexed by Raven. Rhyno stands up.****

TV: No-selling bastard! Sell the move. Sell THE MOVE!

Crow: Yeah! Stay on the...

Tom, Trey and Seth: FLOOR! FLOOR! FLOOR!

****Raven short-arm clotheslines Rhyno to the mat. Rhyno is back on his feet.****

TV: You are watching the Rhinotaker.

Seth: And I wish like hell I wasn't...

****Rhyno springboard DDT's Raven onto the mat!
JR - If Rhyno keeps using moves like that springboard DDT he could win the match!****

TV: What about the gouging out of eyes and dismembering of feet? Aren't those gonna help? Where is Edge now?

[Quick cut to a scene from "Monty Python and The Holy Grail".]

The Torso of The Black Knight: (John Cleese) All right. We'll call it a Draw!

****Rhyno gets back to his feet. DDP side slams Booker T. Booker T gets caught with an elbow smash to the face. DDP pokes Booker T in the eyes.****

TV: The fans boo. They want sockets! And weren't these two partners when they came out?

Tom: (JR) Probably.

CroW: (King) Does it matter?

****Booker T drives a forearm into the head of DDP. DDP get nailed with a double axhandle chop from Booker T. DDP tackles Booker T. DDP hits Booker T with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. DDP climbs to his feet. DDP measures Booker T up ***

Seth: (DDP, looking through a diamond he makes with his hands) Six foot, six inches... wait, are you wearing lifts, Book?

****and drops a closed fist.
DDP climbs to his feet. DDP executes a split legged moonsault on to Edge.****

TV: Yeah, OK....that old bastard can do a split legged moonsault. Right. It's a miracle that guy can climb on a rope at this point in his life without needing knee surgery.

****Edge is back on his feet.****

TV: Protecting them like a mother bird.

****DDP with a huge fisherman buster on Edge. Now Edge standing. DDP dropkicks Edge. Edge is back on his feet.****

TV: (Flapping his arms) Caw, caw, caw.

****Booker T dropkicks Christian to the face. Booker T stands up. Booker T hits a koppo kick on Christian.****

Seth: (Booker) Koppo load of this, sucka!

****Booker T grabs Christian and applies an arm wrench. Christian gets up. Booker T delivers a spinning backbreaker to Christian. Booker T grabs Brendan Lawlor's head and DDT's him on the mat. Booker T moves back to his feet.*****

TV: Welcome my friends to the match that never ends. It's the battle royal that makes "The Stand" look like a short story.

Tom: You could slip into a month-long coma and when you wake up this thing wouldn't have finished yet...

****JR - My God!! What a match! ****

TV: Damn it. Mute him Seth.

[Seth stares at the remote control blankly]

Seth: Duh. Match hurt brain. Can't find pushy-button.

[Throws the remote at the set.]

****Booker T puts Brendan Lawlor in an arm grapevine submission. Brendan Lawlor climbs to his feet. Brendan Lawlor pokes Booker T in the eye with his thumb.****

TV: It's on his thumb! OH MY GOD! This is brutal! It's like an evil nursery rhyme coming true!

Crow: (Booker) Tell me you didn't just poke out my eye with your thumb, sucka? Suckas' GOTS to stop doing that!

****Brendan Lawlor nails Booker T with a belly-to-back suplex. Brendan Lawlor puts Booker T in an arm grapevine submission. Brendan Lawlor applies an arm wrench to Booker T. Brendan Lawlor rolls onto Booker T connecting with a knee. Now Booker T standing.

Tom: (Booker) Hey, any of you suckas see my eye?

****Brendan Lawlor with a jumping DDT on Christian. Christian gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Brendan Lawlor. Now Brendan Lawlor standing. Christian hits a jumping elbow thrust on Brendan Lawlor. Brendan Lawlor is driven further into the mat by Christian with a diving elbow smash. Christian moves back to his feet.****

TV: Meanwhile, Edge is still protecting his own feet.

Seth: DDP is standing on Rhynos' feet, even though Rhyno himself is on the other side of the ring...

****Christian jumps and elbow smashes the lying Brendan Lawlor.****

Seth: Well, liars get what they deserve, I guess...

***Christian gets back to his feet. Brendan Lawlor stands up. Christian gets back into the match with a jumping neck snap on Brendan Lawlor. Flying side kick by Christian takes Brendan Lawlor off his feet.
Christian gets back to his feet. Brendan Lawlor kicks Christian in the stomach and executes the sitdown face slam. Brendan Lawlor hits Christian with an elbow drop. Brendan Lawlor gets up. Christian stands up. Brendan Lawlor gets caught with an elbow smash to the face. Christian slaps both sides of Brendan Lawlor's head out of desperation. Christian gets hit with a back heel kick.****

TV: Every mundane detail. Why entertain when we can bore. Some are born boring. Some get a clue. But not WWFX. We were born boring and if you're lucky, we'll close in a week.

****Christian moves back to his feet. Flying somersault drop kick by Christian puts him back in the match. Christian gets back to his feet. Christian hits Brendan Lawlor with an elbow drop. Christian gets up. Christian hits Brendan Lawlor with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Christian gets back to his feet. Rhyno delivers a spine buster to Booker T. Booker T gets back to his feet.****

Seth: (Booker) Ha! I no-sold your spinebuster, sucka! Suckas' GOTS to no-sell!

TV: I could have had sex two or three times instead of watching this match. C'mon. Get on with the show! This match is an hour long. Where are the frigging commercials? I want some Stacker 2 commercials!!!

***King - Booker T is getting the crap kicked out of him!****

TV: The ring is turning brown. They're slipping and sliding in Booker T's feces! This match should be on a pay-per-view. That way I'd never see it.

Seth: It should be on Welsh Television... then NO-ONE would see it...

****Rhyno slaps Booker T in the face. Booker T kicks Rhyno in the groin. Rhyno runs and tackles Booker T.***

Seth: (Rhyno) HA! I one-up you by no-selling a kick in the pachingas!

TV: The carnage. The carnage. Edge has lost both feet and eyes. Booker T has lost an eye and has shit all over the ring. Blood, feces and dismemberment. The price for the European Title.

Tom: I think the Europeans are going to demand their title back after this one...

****Rhyno punches him in the head. Booker T gets up. Brendan Lawlor hits the handspring moonsault on Kobra.****

Crow: HEY! Kobra made it back from the quick trip to Bangalore he took at the start of this match!

****Brendan Lawlor is back on his feet. Kobra takes a slap to the face from Brendan Lawlor. Kobra grabs Brendan Lawlor's head and hits him in the face. ****

Seth: Great, a sissy slap-fight just broke out.

Tom: (Kobra) Bitch!

Crow: (Brendon Lawlor) Slut!

Tom: (Kobra) Hussy!

****Kobra executes a swinging bulldog on Brendan Lawlor driving Brendan Lawlor's face into the mat. Christian gets up off the ground and Edge hits him with a flying dropkick.****

TV: Edge has bat-like sensing powers no doubt. That kid has guts. No doubt we'll see them before the end of the match with the way things are going.

****Edge is back on his feet.****

TV: (Edge) Leave my feet alone! ARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

****Christian is up again. Edge executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Christian. Edge hits Christian with an elbow drop. Now Edge standing. Christian stands up. Edge gets elbowed to his midsection by Edge.****

Seth: He's even fighting himself! Do you believe the lengths he'll go to to entertain the fans? Give him the belt!

****A flying shoulder block send Christian to the mat. Now Edge standing. Christian climbs to his feet. Edge goes off the top turnbuckle and double foot stomps Christian.****

TV: A double stump stomp. Double stump stomp. Domble stomp stump. Man that's tough to say.

****Edge climbs to his feet. Christian is up again. Christian hits a ropeflip moonsault on Edge. Christian climbs to his feet. They lockup. Edge sends Edge to the corner of the ring.****

TV: My God! The unthinkable has happened! Edge has split into two halves! There are his guts! The horror. The man has paid his dues. Give him the damn title! No eyes, no feet, body ripped in half. He gave you fans his body and soul tonight. Edge has to be dead!

Seth: Well, to make sure we should drop him forty feet in a limo, then drive a truck into it a few times. And maybe lock him in a casket and set it on fire...

****Christian hits Edge with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Christian gets up. Now Edge standing. Christian bends over as Edge elbows him in the midsection.****

TV: Edge helps Edge to his stumps.

Tom: (Christian) That's not Edge... Edge was taller! Eh?

***Christian gets caught with an elbow smash to the face. Christian whips Edge's feet from under him with a side kick.****

TV: You bastard! Look, some kid in the front row has them! Boo Christian. BOOOO!

****Christian is up again. Christian jumps and elbow smashes the lying Edge.
JR - Christian with a diving elbow smash.
Christian is up again. Christian hits Edge with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Christian climbs to his feet. Edge gets up. Edge gets caught with an elbow smash to the face. Edge with an impressive flying spinning leg lariat on Christian. Edge gets up.****

TV: He's a zombie now. A master controls him. It's got to be the only explanation.

Seth: Friday The 13th, Part 27: Attack of The Canadians!

****King - The World Wrestling Federation Xperience is the only place to find matches like this!****

TV: Hey, I was talking!

Crow: He's right, Trey. Although he should have said "The WWFX is the only place unashamed enough to show moronic marathon matches like this!"

****Edge***

TV: Both halves?

****gets set on top the turnbuckle then Edge hits Christian with a splash.****

Seth: The splash you heard was Edges much-abused body finally disentergrating...

***After fight Edge places Christian on the top turnbuckle and executes the German suplex, that has to hurt!

TV: Not really. Eyes, feet, body ripped in half, THAT hurts.

Seth: Man, even the disembodied narrator is doing better commentary than JR and The King...

****Edge chants start.****

TV: And everyone has changed the channel by now you think? Can we move past the rest of this 2 hour match?

Tom: It's like the New York Marathon with more punching...

****Edge goes off the turnbuckle with a flying somersault splash. Edge****

TV: The Other half.

****hits Christian with an elbow drop. Edge gets back to his feet.

TV: He rips them away from that kid and look! Both halves of Edge are slapping that kid around. I sense a law suit.

Seth: (Edge) You can't sue me, I'm Candian, eh? We still have subsidised healthcare! Eh?

****Christian stands up. Edge bounces Christian off the ropes and hits him with a jumping clothesline. Edge chants start. Edge throws Christian over the ropes. Christian was eliminated by Edge.
King - That will do it for Christian. He's been eliminated!****

Seth: Thank you, God!

TV: Pussy. Only lasted three hours.

****Raven goes for a power move but Brendan Lawlor dodges the attack. Now Raven standing. DDP nails Raven with a huge slingshot summersault splash.****

Crow: It's Lucha-Page!

Tom: Cherish that sequence... apparently, he can only do that move in the summer...

****DDP stands up. DDP with a falling splash on Raven. ****

Seth: Actually, I think he just passed out from lack of oxygen. He's too old for an Ironman match...

****DDP gets back to his feet. Rhyno places Booker T on the turnbuckle and executes the belly-to-back superplex. Rhyno hits a frog splash on Booker T. Rhyno is back on his feet. Rhyno hits Booker T with an elbow drop. Rhyno stomps Booker T. Booker T is up again. Booker T uses a snap mare takeover on Rhyno. Rhyno grabs Booker T's leg and takes him down. Booker T is up again. Booker T hits Rhyno with a rolling elbow smash to the face. Rhyno is up again. ****

Crow: Y'know, I'm sensing a smidgen of unnecessary padding in this card...

****Booker T gets taken down with a corkscrew armdrag. Booker T gets back to his feet. Edge whips Booker T into the corner and follows up with a huge splash. Christian clotheslines Booker T. Rhyno nails DDP with a huge slingshot summersault splash. Rhyno climbs to his feet.
JR - The WWFX is the only place for entertainment like this!****

TV: Sure. Just like WCW was the best wrestling company in the world like Ric Flair said near the end.

****Rhyno executes a corkscrew legdrop on DDP. Rhyno gets back to his feet. DDP is up again. DDP grabs Rhyno by the arm and breaks it over his shoulder.****

Seth: Oh NO! Now Rhynos' arm is broken! Will somebody stop the damn match! This is not a work!

Tom: Rhynos arm will be...

Everyone: SORE! SORE! SORE!

Tom: ...After this match!

****DDP hits a kneeling headbutt to Rhyno's groin.****

Tom: And it takes a brave man to kneel in front of Rhynos' groin in a public place...

****Rhyno stands up.****

Seth: ...Broken arm flopping around uselessly...

****Rhyno with an Aztecan suplex on DDP sends him to the mat. Rhyno gets back to his feet. DDP gets back to his feet. DDP applies the clawhold on Rhyno. DDP throws Rhyno off the ropes and hits him with a diving shoulder block. Rhyno stands up. DDP slaps the face of Rhyno. DDP is up again.****

Crow: He fell over slapping someone this time! Spot the wrestler who got tanked in the locker room!

Tom: Hey, DDP! Where's your horrible injury from this match? Wuss...

****DDP punches Rhyno in the gut. Rhyno puts DDP on the turnbuckle and executes a belly-to-belly superplex. DDP is back on his feet.
JR - The World Wrestling Federation Xperience is the number on wrestling program on television.****

TV: It is? Well, it's no wonder. Six scrubs sports entertaining for four hours is captivating television.

****Rhyno hits DDP with an ear ringer.****

TV: Ring (ring, ring, ring).

****Rhyno executes a jawbreaker on DDP.****

TV: Finally, now DDP has a broken jaw. It's about time he started getting with the program. Sports entertainment is REAL kids.

****Rhyno gets back to his feet. Rhyno falls head first into DDP.****

Seth: Trippy! I feel like I'm watching "Timecop"...

TV: Will they morph into a new creature?

Crow: And if so, will it sell?

****Rhyno stands up. DDP is up again.****

TV: Ever so close. Try again boys.

****Rhyno delivers a stiff inverted powerbomb and sends DDP hard to the mat.****

TV: (Butthead) He said stiff and hard.

Seth: (Beavis) Huh huh huh... mat.

****Rhyno tosses DDP to ringside. DDP was eliminated by Rhyno. After fight Rhyno****

Crow: "After Fight Rhyno"? Sounds like the label on a Japanese cologne bottle...

Seth: (Tyler Durden) The first rule of After Fight Rhyno is, you do not admit to being in After Fight Rhyno. There is no second rule.

****leg drops Booker T. Rhyno knee drops Booker T. Booker T stands up. Rhyno nails Booker T with a belly-to-back suplex. Rhyno stands up. Rhyno puts Booker T in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: For the 30th time in this match.

****Rhyno tosses Booker T to ringside. Booker T was eliminated by Rhyno. Brendan Lawlor places Kobra on the turnbuckle and executes the belly-to-back superplex.****

TV: Only the fifth time we've seen that move tonight.

****Brendan Lawlor chants start.****

TV: Jerry's kid! Jerry's kid!

Seth: Get a new move! Get a new move!

Crow: What's on Fox? What's on Fox?

****JR - Nice belly-to-back superplex by Brendan Lawlor.
Kobra is back on his feet. Brendan Lawlor mule kicks Kobra. Brendan Lawlor measures Kobra up and drops a closed fist. Brendan Lawlor moves back to his feet. Kobra grabs Brendan Lawlor by the arm and breaks it over his shoulder.***

Seth: And Lawlor becomes another member of the "Major Injury" club! This match could fill a hospital ward!

***Brendan Lawlor uppercuts Kobra.
Kobra tries for a spinning headscissors but Brendan Lawlor avoids it. Brendan Lawlor gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Kobra. Kobra grabs Brendan Lawlor and applies an arm wrench.****

TV: For the 100th time tonight!

Seth: On his broken arm! Bastard!

**** Brendan Lawlor superkicks Kobra. Kobra rakes the face of Brendan Lawlor in attempt to make a come back. Kobra executes the jumping sidekick on Brendan Lawlor. Brendan Lawlor gets back to his feet. Kobra hits Brendan Lawlor with the back of his elbow.
Kobra nails Brendan Lawlor with a belly-to-back suplex. Kobra is back on his feet. Brendan Lawlor stands up. Brendan Lawlor picks Rhyno up and executes a stomachbreaker. Brendan Lawlor executes a corkscrew legdrop on Rhyno.****

TV: Hey, that's Raven's move! Move stealer. Next thing you know he'll be using an arm grapevine.

Crow: And no-selling... no, wait, too late!

****Brendan Lawlor is back on his feet. Brendan Lawlor puts Rhyno in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: I'll be damned. I invented that move.

****Brendan Lawlor executes a corkscrew legdrop on Rhyno.****

TV: For the second time in 10 seconds.

****Now Brendan Lawlor standing. Brendan Lawlor measures Rhyno up and drops a closed fist.****

TV: As opposed to the dreaded OPEN FIST!!!

Seth: (JR) Oh, he drove his own fist through the mat, and broke all of his knuckles in the process! And now his feet have come off! There goes his arm! What a match!

****Brendan Lawlor is back on his feet. Brendan Lawlor grabs Rhyno and applies an arm wrench. Brendan Lawlor places Kobra on the turnbuckle and executes the double underhook superplex.
JR - If Brendan Lawlor keeps using moves like that double underhook superplex he could win the match!****

TV: I thought you only won matches if your knees get worn out in front of the booker.

Seth: It would explain Billy Gunns continual pushes...

****Brendan Lawlor moves back to his feet. Kobra moves back to his feet. Brendan Lawlor hits Kobra with the back of his elbow. Kobra gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Brendan Lawlor. Kobra gets back to his feet. Kobra punches Brendan Lawlor in the gut. Kobra hits Brendan Lawlor with a headbutt to the mid-section.
King - headbutt!****

TV: Look, it's the SKY! Bet you never thought you'd see the sky if you look up!

****Kobra hits him with a back fist. Brendan Lawlor is hit with a backward kick. Edge uses a standing moonsault on Brendan Lawlor.****

TV: Welcome back Edge after an unexplained hourlong absence from the match.

Crow: (Edge) Look, I stapled my feet back on! Eh?

****Edge climbs to his feet.
JR - The WWFX is the only place for entertainment like this! ****

Seth: Thank God...

TV: If this is stroking your, er, ego, I don't know what is. Nowhere else are you gonna see people get to their feet 10,000 times in a six hour match.

Edge jumps off of the turnbuckle nailing Brendan Lawlor with an Asia Moonsault.****

TV: He calls it the Yellow Blanket.

****Edge stands up. Edge hits Kobra with the Asia moonsault bodyblock.****

Seth: When did the match move from the UK to Asia? Or could they just not get the rights to the Asai Moonsault?

****Edge stands up. Kobra is driven further into the mat by Edge with a diving elbow smash. Edge gets up. Now Kobra standing. Kobra throws Edge off the ropes****

Tom: ...As the match enters its second day.

****and hits him with a diving shoulder block. Kobra knees Edge and rolls back to his feet. Edge gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Kobra. Kobra kicks Edge on the mat. Edge moves back to his feet. After fight Brendan Lawlor executes a huge gutbuster on Edge.****

TV: Give Edge credit. He won't puke. Oh, Edge is back in one piece now. I guess he was sewing himself back together. Good for him. Good to know if the wrestling gig doesn't work out he can be Dr. Edgestein. Wonder if he could build me a woman....

Tom: Legs optional...

****Brendan Lawlor climbs to the top of the turnbuckle and executes the diving headbutt on Edge. Brendan Lawlor hits a frog splash on Edge.****

TV: Warp speed! He's so fast I didn't even see him get to his feet from the diving headbutt. That kid is faster than me scheming on a chick with huge boobs.

****Brendan Lawlor stands up. Brendan Lawlor with a falling splash on Edge.****

Crow: Again? What is this, "Splashdance"?

****Brendan Lawlor moves back to his feet. Brendan Lawlor throws Edge over the ropes. Edge was eliminated by Brendan Lawlor.****

TV: Booo! (He throws popcorn at the screen.) This fed sucks. Edge rules! He gave you idiots two eyes and everything he used to have in his body. Now he's just a shell of a man.

Seth: But on the plus side, he won't have to defend the belt in the week-long rematch...

****Kobra executes a swinging neckbreaker on Rhyno. Kobra executes a piledriver on Rhyno. Kobra chants start. Kobra executes a corkscrew legdrop on Rhyno. Kobra gets back to his feet. Rhyno gets back to his feet. Rhyno gives Kobra a reverse neckbreaker. Kobra is up again. Kobra hits a kneeling headbutt to Rhyno's groin.****

TV: And now, he's trying to get at RhIno's package! Good God! Kobra wants RhIno's trouser snake!

Tom: There does seem to be an unhealthy level of kneeling and groinal abuse in this match...

****Rhyno stands up. Rhyno hits Kobra with a heart punch. Kobra gets up. After fight Brendan Lawlor knifehand chops Kobra.****

Seth: He KNIFED him? Is that legal?

****Brendan Lawlor with a takeover suplex on Kobra.****

Crow: It was a hostile takeover, but Lawlor eventually took control of all of Kobras assets..

****Brendan Lawlor chants start. Brendan Lawlor gets up. Kobra climbs to his feet. Brendan Lawlor tackles Rhyno. Brendan Lawlor chants start.

Seth: Seeing as the previous chants only lasted four-and-a-half seconds....

****Brendan Lawlor knee drops Rhyno. Brendan Lawlor is back on his feet. Rhyno stands up. Brendan Lawlor throws Rhyno over the ropes. Rhyno was eliminated by Brendan Lawlor.
JR - Rhyno is out of here!!****

TV: He joins every sports entertainment fan who left about eight hours ago.

****Kobra with a falling splash on Raven. Now Kobra standing. Raven gets up. Kobra gives Raven the cobra clutch suplex onto the mat. Kobra gets back to his feet. Kobra hits the handspring moonsault on Raven. Kobra measures Raven up and drops a closed fist. Kobra tosses Raven to ringside. Raven was eliminated by Kobra.*****

TV: BOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRING.

****After fight Brendan Lawlor powerbombs Kobra. Brendan Lawlor stomps Kobra's head. Kobra punches Brendan Lawlor repeatedly. Brendan Lawlor get nailed with a double axhandle chop from Kobra. Brendan Lawlor gets up. Kobra throws Brendan Lawlor over the ropes. Brendan Lawlor was eliminated by Kobra.
'Kobra's Music hits'
'The Referee at ringside hands Kobra the European Title, Kobra holds it up and climbs the turnbuckle'
Ring Announcer: "Winner and NEW WWFX European Champion, Kobra"****

TV: Good to see they're giving people who only know broken English a chance to announce these days. God bless the WWFX. But I'd rather be in Hell right now. You a winner, ha ha ha.

Seth: Great, give the belt to the guy who spent the first eight hours of the match hibernating somewhere...

Tom: Edge was robbed!

****King - Kobra is the new European Champion JR, can you believe it
JR - No King, I can't, but he is so we have to deal with it ****

Seth: (JR) ...Possibly with extensive therapy!

****and I've been told to look towards the WWFXtron!!
**We are Backstage** ****

TV: Funny, I thought I was sitting on my ass still. If we weren't trying to bore the piss out of everyone, I'd so get drunk right now. But then I'd be funny and we can't have that.

Seth: No, sir! Apathy is hard work, huh?

****The fans cheer when they see Lita arrive to the arena. She pulls her bags behind her. She doesn't look to be in the best of moods.****

TV: Well she is on the rag...and she's starting to look really old. Maybe her tits are starting to get a little droopy too.

Seth: She probaly read the 347 new Lita/Stacy lesbian lemons that were posted on the net about her today...

Tom: I hear they invite Buffy The Vampire Slayer in for a threesome in one...

****Just then Micheal Cole stops Lita.****

Seth: (Irish Cop Micheal Cole) All right, lassie, pull it over! Where's the fire, my foine gurl?

Cole: "Excuse me Lita, I was wondering if I could get your comments on what the nWo and Norton did at Wrestlemania."****

Seth: (Lita) I thought it was Wresltemania? Did I go to the wrong pay-Per-View?

TV: I still wish I was the microphone at her lips.

****Lita glares at Micheal Cole.***

Seth: (Lita) Out of my way, you goatee-wearing little bitch!

She then leans her bags up against the wall near by.****

TV: Oops, now we know it's a work. If she were really pissed, she wouldn't care about such delicate placement of her bags.

****Lita: "You wanna know what I thought of what the nWo did at Wrestlemania? What part do you wanna know Cole? The part when they mocked my husband by bringing that guy thinks he is my husband and had him face Norton for the world title. Or the part of them running the good name of my husband JJ Crawford into the ground.***

Seth: (Lita) Or the part where Torrie and I spanked Stephanie with the Bossmans' nightstick... oh, wait, that was a poorly-written fan-fiction, wasn't it?

****I'll tell you something Micheal I didn't find any of it funny. I didn't find one bit of it not one bit of it to be entertaining. ****

Crow: Much like that last match...

****Further more when they had him say he was retiring wasn't funny either. It made me sick Micheal Cole.

Tom: (Michael Cole) No, me Sick Micheal Cole. You Sexy Slutty Lita. Humina humina.

****Cole: "Well what does your husband JJ. Think of this whole thing Lita?" ****

TV: (Lita) "That I should be spreading my legs and shutting my mouth. But that's irrelevant..."

****Lita looks at Micheal Cole then shrugs her head.****

Seth: Oh, that's just not right...

TV: Wow, WWFX is innovation. I've never seen anybody shrug their head before. Most normal people shrug their shoulders, but leave it to WWFX to show me something new.

****Lita: "JJ? What does he think about this whole thing? How in the hell would I know." ****

Seth: (Cole) Because he's your story-line husband, you thong-wearing bimbo!

****Cole: "What do you mean by that Lita? What he's not talking to you about this?"
Lita: "Talking? Micheal I haven't seen or heard from JJ since the nWo attacked him a few weeks back."
Cole: "You mean you haven't even talked to JJ?" ****

TV: I find it hard to believe they haven't gotten vertical in weeks."

Seth: Don't you mean horizontal?

TV: (Sarcastically) Yeah, right.

****Lita: "What did I just say Micheal? I said I haven't heard nor seen JJ since what the nWo did to him. Now if you don't mind I have to go get ready for my match tonight."
Lita walks off ****

TV: Don't forget your bags! Oh well, she did.

**** **We are back in the ring**

Crow: Where cleaners are still mopping up Edges' blood....

TV: And Booker T's feces.

***JR - My god King did you hear what Lita just said?
King - Yes I did JR. ***

Seth: (King) I was watching the same monitor, you freakin' redneck!

****JR - I mean she hasn't heard or seen JJ since the last time he was on WWFX TV.
King - That might explain why he wasn't at Wrestlemania. ****

Seth: Ummm.. Actually, it doesn't explain anything of the sort....

****JR - Well moving on King, we have Matt Hardy facing Chris Jericho next!
King - And talking about Matt Hardy, he beat Joe Cool at Wrestlemania in a streetfight, and tonight his brother Jeff, takes on Joe Cool for the HaRdCoRe Championship that Jeff won at Wrestlemania by beating Rob Van Dam.****

Crow: Did everyone get that? I have a flow-chart if you need it...

Seth: So Snoopy could be the hardcore champ? Excellent!

****JR - And don't forget later on we have Rachel Hardy taking on the Womens Champion Stacy Keibler!!
King - I know it's great. I just love this job in the WWFX, so much better then the WWF!!!****

TV: Does anybody have a 10 foot pole? Anyone? Anyone?

Seth: I refuse to discuss the length of my pole with you, Trey...

****'The Hardy Boyz Music hits'
'Matt Hardy makes his way out to the stage and makes his way down the ramp to the ring'
Ring Announcer: "This next match is for one fall, making his way to the ring, Matt Hardy"****

TV: We're only halfway through this 3-day sports entertainment festival. No commercials. No breaks. Just pure sports entertainment matches and really bad backstage segments.

Seth: Wake me when Snoopy gets here...

****'Chris Jericho's Music hits'
'Joe Cool makes his way out to the stage and starts to walk down the ramp to the ring'
Ring Announcer: "His opponent, making his way to the ring, Chris Jericho"*****

TV: Is Chris now known as Joe Cool? I demand an explanation damnit. I'm not gonna watch the WWFX promos too. This is torture enough.

[Crow sets up his flow chart.]

Crow: So let's see... Jericho=Joe Cool and Joe Cool=Snoopy, so therefore Matt Hardy is... WOODSTOCK!
Seth: |||||||||...

****Matt Hardy walks around the ring. (the bell rings)****

TV: Ring, ring, ring.

****Matt Hardy gets taken down with an armdrag takedown.****

TV: Damn this logical naming of holds. Arm drag take down takes down Matt Hardy. Who'da thought?

****Matt Hardy gets up. Y2J gets elbowed to his midsection by Y2J.****

Seth: How's that again?

Crow: (Consults flowchart) Wait, maybe they've CLONED Jericho, naming one "Joe Cool" and the other "Y2J"? Does that make sense?

Tom: I think my brain is melting...

****Jericho jabs Matt Hardy. Chris Jericho double underhook faceslams Matt Hardy hard to the Matt Hardy.****

TV: Well, logic just crashed through the window and plunged to its death in a desperate need to get the fuck away from WWFX.

Seth: (Beavis) Huh huh huh... Matt...

****Jericho rolls onto Matt Hardy connecting with a knee. Matt Hardy gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Y2J. Y2J climbs to his feet. Chris Jericho puts Matt Hardy in an arm grapevine submission. Matt Hardy gets hit with the shooting star press from Y2J.****

Seth: Yeah, nice transition on that sequence.

Crow: Ah, the miracle of the jump-cut!

****Earl Hebner counts. ...1 Matt Hardy escapes.
King - Not even close! ****

TV: I don't know. In my world, 1 is only 2 away from 3. That's a lot closer than 10. Which is how many hours this show seems like I've been watching it for.

****Matt Hardy climbs to the top rope, jumps on Chris Jericho and****

TV: Starts humping him raw. Er...

Tom: Are you reading one of those homoerotic fan-fictions, Trey?

TV: No comment...

****tornado DDT's him onto the mat. Matt Hardy chants start.****

TV: I don't hear any chants. But I do hear an iAd chant. Watch this shit Seth.

****[Crowd: iad! iAd! WOOOOOOOOOOOO! iAd! iAd! Har-ker, Har-ker! Vin-cent, Vin-cent. Stud-nuts, Stud-nuts. WOOOOOOOOOO!]****

Seth: Nice dubbing job... Too bad it's all in your voice... kinda gives away the illusion, Trey...

TV: As if anybody is really paying that close of attention to us right here. I bet we lost our audience hours ago.

****An elbow submission by Matt Hardy brings Jericho down to the mat. Referee Earl Hebner is checking for a tap out. ... (AHHHH!)****

TV: Why is Earl screaming? Or was that one of the bots?

Crow: Hold on, I need to check my flowchart to find out...

Tom: AHHHH!

****... Jericho tries to escape. ... Matt Hardy breaks the hold. Jericho tackles Matt Hardy. Jericho kicks Matt Hardy on the mat. Matt Hardy stands up. Jericho holds his head after receiving an ear ringer from Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy attempts to kick Y2J, but Chris Jericho catches his leg. Matt Hardy flips around and kicks Jericho. Matt Hardy gets back to his feet. Jericho climbs to his feet. Jericho takes Matt Hardy off his feet with a short-arm clothesline.****

TV: Uh oh, I think I'm out of material.

Seth: You had more material than the WWFX booker, at least...

Crow: Writing this card was no small... "feet"! Ha! I kill me!

****Chris Jericho executes a corkscrew legdrop on Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy hits a flying karate chop right to Jericho's neck. Chris Jericho puts Matt Hardy on the top rope and executes a superplex. Jericho stands up. Matt Hardy gets up. Matt Hardy tries for a top-rope powerbomb but is not strong enough to lift Chris Jericho.****

TV: He's a little girly man.

Seth: I think his mistake was trying the top-rope powerbomb without actually putting him on the top rope first...

****Chris Jericho is locked in an elbow submission by Matt Hardy. Referee Earl Hebner is checking for a tap out. ... ****

TV: Oh the suspense.

Tom: Trey, if I tap, can we end this right now?

****Matt Hardy tightens the hold. ... Y2J escapes. Matt Hardy and Chris Jericho go to the floor.
King - Jericho doesn't have to worry about winning, he could be killed!!****

TV: Nothing would shock me after the last barbaric match.

Seth: See if you can find Edges' feet while you're out there!

****Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) Matt Hardy throws a chair at Jericho.****

Seth: (Matt Hardy) Jericho, chairshot me! I can't take it anymore! I'd rather be unconcious than in this match!

****Matt Hardy jumps off of the top turnbuckle with a twisting moonsault, hitting Jericho square in the face. Matt Hardy moves back to his feet. Matt Hardy and Y2J move back into the ring.****

TV: That was the longest 1 count I've ever seen.

Crow: Maybe we've got the tape stuck in slow-mo?

****Matt Hardy hits Jericho with an elbow drop. Matt Hardy is back on his feet. Jericho gets back to his feet. Jericho with an illegal chokehold on Matt Hardy.****

TV: I invented the LEGAL chokehold. Bet you didn't know that.

****Jericho measures Matt Hardy up and drops a closed fist. A flying bodypress by Matt Hardy takes Chris Jericho to the mat with authority.****

Crow: Respect Matts' authoratah!

TV: How'd that cop get in the ring?

****Now Matt Hardy standing. Matt Hardy covers Y2J hooking the leg. Referee Earl Hebner makes the count. ...1 ...2 Y2J kicks out. - You just can't win this early in a match. Especially with an opponent like Chris Jericho.****

TV: Yeah, 10 minutes into a five hour classic. You've got to be shitting me. Oops, I hear some iAd chants again!

****[Crowd: iAd! iAd!]****

TV: You guys rule in the United Kingdom. Even got the capital A right.

****Chris Jericho executes a swinging bulldog on Matt Hardy driving Matt Hardy's face into the mat. Chris Jericho gets back to his feet.****

Crow: Chris Jericho sues the WWFX for making him look like a puss...

****Chris Jericho hits Matt Hardy with an elbow drop.
Chris Jericho stomps Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy climbs to his feet. Chris Jericho delivers a kick to the head of Matt Hardy. Matt Hardy stands up.****

TV: The Underhardy. Hulk Hardy. Call him what you will, he's a no-selling machine.

****Matt Hardy executes a split legged moonsault on to Chris Jericho. Matt Hardy chants start.

[iAd! iAd! BWAHAHAHA]

King - Nice split legged moonsault by Matt Hardy.****

TV: It sucked! What pathetic leg splitting. Not even worthy of porno.

Tom: Now, if Stacy had split her legs...

Seth: TOM!

Tom: Sorry...

****Now Matt Hardy standing. Matt Hardy drags Jericho to the floor. Earl Hebner starts the count (.1)***

TV: Earl! Check your arm for your cheat notes! It's 2 you silly bastard.

Seth: Oh, great, he's counting in decimals... we'll be here all night!

****Rachel Hardy executes the guillotine choke on Y2J.****

Seth: What?!

TV: Where the hucking fell did she come from? I didn't see her come to the ring with Matt. She just, appeared, as if, she didn't exist, and then she did, and now where is she? She's gone again. Oh man, I think I'm hallucinating.

Crow: Okay, so Matt Hardy is also Rachel Hardy, probably due to some gene-splicing accident. Let me pencil that in on my flowchart...

****Matt Hardy runs in and leg drops Chris Jericho. Chris Jericho is driven further into the floor by Matt Hardy with a diving elbow smash.
They head back into the ring. Y2J gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Matt Hardy comes at him and drills him with the splash. Matt Hardy flies from the turnbuckle****

Seth: Fly, my little friend! Be free!

****with an elbow drop. Now Matt Hardy standing. Matt Hardy with a Twist of Fate on Jericho. Matt Hardy covers Chris Jericho hooking the leg. Earl Hebner counts the pin. ...1 ...2 ...3
'The Hardy Boyz Music hits'
'Matt Hardy jumps up and jumps onto the turnbuckle and taunts the crowd before jumping down and leaving the ring'****

Seth: That two-faced little bastard!

TV: Bet the crowd feels silly now for chanting for Matt during the match.

Crow: Okay, so according to my flowchart, Matt is both a face AND a heel...

Seth: Give me that!

****Ring Announcer: "Your Winner, Matt Hardy"
JR - Matt Hardy beats Jericho in Chris Jericho's last match. The Hardy's have been winning a lot as of late.
King - That is right JR, Matt Hardy beat Joe Cool at Wresltemania, and Jeff Hardy defends the HaRdCoRe Championship against Joe Cool tonight which he won by defeating Rob Van Dam at Wresltemania!!

Seth: Okay, how do you read this flowchart... I'm not following any of this!

****JR - Don't forget that Rachel Hardy gets to take on the Womens Champion, Stacy Keibler as well!!****

TV: Forget what?

Tom: I forget...

****King - I love the WWFX, hey that match is next isn't it JR I think it is!****

Seth: Lawler is getting a tad over-excited. Take a breath, pal!

****'Rachel Hardy's Music hits'
'Rachel Hardy makes her way out to the stage and down to the ring for this match'
Ring Announcer: "This next match is a Divas Match and it's for the WWFX Womens Championship, making her way to the ring first, the challenger. Rachel Hardy"****

TV: I don't remember VH1 honoring that slut. Or any of the other sluts in this match. They should.

****'nWo flashes on the WWFXtron'
'Stacy Keiblers' Music hits'
(Kid Rock - She's Got Legs)****

TV: (Singing) She's got legs....and two tiny little breasts.

Seth: So, who's Stacy shagging to get actual theme music?

****'Stacy Keibler makes her way out to the stage, with the WWFX Womens Championship over her left shoulder, Stacy makes her way down to the ring'
Ring Announcer: "Her opponent, making her way to the ring she's the WWFX Womens Champion, representing the nWo, Stacy Keibler!!"
King - Woooo!! Don't you just love her JR, even though she is part of the nWo that destroyed Psycore's Career at Wresltemania!! ****

Tom: I think signing a WWFX contract automatically destroy yours career...

Crow: Or destroys your street cred, at least....

****JR - Yeh King she's alright, but Norton, Taker & Steiner are the most sick wrestling that I have ever come across. And they even destroyed JJ's Wrestling Career. And his dream to become World Champion at Wrestemaina.****

TV: Good ol' JR. Always thinking about the boys when their's a POA right in front of his face.

****Rachel Hardy drops Stacy with a Gorilla Press Slam on the mat. Stacy Keibler executes a pumphandle suplex on Rachel Hardy. (ring, ring, ring)****

TV: Ring, ring, ring.

Seth: That was more actual wrestling moves in three seconds than Stacy has performed in the last three years...

****Stacy Keibler catches Rachel Hardy's leg, but Rachel Hardy reverses it with an enzuigiri to Stacy Keibler-Norton's head. Stacy Keibler-Norton moves back to her feet.****

Crow: So Stacy married WWFE President, Adam Norton? What ARE the odds?

Tom: This fed IS a drooling fan-boys wet dream..

****Stacy Keibler uses a closed fist on Rachel Hardy. Stacy Keibler hits her with a back fist. Stacy Keibler executes a jawbreaker on Rachel Hardy. Rachel Hardy moves back to her feet. Stacy Keibler executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Rachel Hardy. Rachel Hardy gets knocked on the ground and Stacy Keibler flips onto her. ****

Tom: Girl-on-girl! FREEZE-FRAME!

****Stacy Keibler moves back to her feet. Rachel Hardy gets hit with the shooting star press from Stacy. Referee Earl Hebner makes the count. ...1 Rachel Hardy escapes. Rachel Hardy climbs to her feet. Rachel Hardy executes a spinning back suplex on Stacy Keibler-Norton. Rachel Hardy wraps her legs around Stacy Keibler-Norton's neck and puts her in the figure-four sleeper.****

TV: Man, if I was in that hold, the things I would do to Rachel's pleasure zone. Why isn't the King wishing he were in the ring right now? Where the hell is the King to be spewing out sexual inneundos. Man, is a 12-year-old writing this crap?

****Referee Earl Hebner is checking for a tap out.****

TV: He raises a breast. It falls. He raises the breast a second time. It falls. He raises the breast a third time! It falls. A fourth time. It falls. I think Earl has some problems.

Seth: He's checking VERY closely, all right...

****... Stacy Keibler-Norton is fighting the hold. ... Rachel Hardy tightens the hold.****

TV: Meow. How bout some clothes being taken off already?

Crow: Huh, even gratuitous nudity couldn't make this card watchable.

Tom: But it couldn't hurt, either!

****Rachel Hardy breaks the hold. Rachel Hardy fist drops Stacy on the mat. Rachel Hardy gets up. Stacy Keibler slaps Rachel Hardy. Rachel Hardy gets thrown into the turnbuckle. Stacy Keibler-Norton comes over and smashes Rachel Hardy's head into it. Rachel Hardy double underhook faceslams Stacy hard to the mat. Rachel Hardy rolls onto Stacy connecting with a knee. Stacy Keibler-Norton throws Rachel Hardy off the ropes and hits her with a cross-body block.
King - What a cross-body block!!****

TV: No, that should say: King - I'd love to cross body block her! Amateur.

Seth: (King) Don't I get to say the "puppies" line?

Crow: (Adam Norton) NO! Because I say so! I'm in charge here! Me! ME! ME!

****Stacy and Rachel Hardy go to the floor Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) Stacy Keibler throws a book from the announcer table at Rachel Hardy.****

TV: The very popular "How To Book An Efed" by I 'Adam Norton.' 10,000 pages long. Stacy could barely lift the thing.

Crow: Contains the word "feet" 132,874 times!

****Stacy Keibler-Norton climbs to the second turnbuckle and moonsaults onto Rachel Hardy. Stacy sucks chants start in the crowd.****

TV: Like any of them would know if she sucks or not. The real question is if she swallows.

****Stacy is up again. Rachel Hardy is back on her feet. They fight into the aisle. (..2)****

TV: The second longest 1 count of all time. Maybe life here is just really slow. And everyone else is just moving normal speed. Could it be?

Seth: Possibly. You know how they say "time flies when you're having fun"? Same deal here, only in reverse...

****Rachel Hardy executes the German suplex on Stacy.****

Crow: Heil Hardy!

****Rachel Hardy chants start.

[Fans: Rachel is easy (clap, clap, clapclapclap)]

Rachel Hardy is back on her feet. (...3) (....4)****

TV: Ah, the space-time continuum is secure.

Seth: No, wait, better grabholdofsomethingtimeisspeedingup!

****Rachel Hardy stomps Stacy Keibler.
King - stomp by Rachel Hardy.****

TV: Should say: King - You can kick my ass any time baby! Woohoo! Or, I better check for bruising. Woohoo!

Tom: (Girly scream)

****Stacy Keibler-Norton stands up. (.....5) Stacy Keibler-Norton and Rachel Hardy move back to ringside.****

TV: Where were they?

Crow: Well, when the match is an hour long, you have to spend some of it wandering aimlessly around...

****They head back into the ring. Stacy tries for a tiger suplex but is unable to lift Rachel Hardy.****

TV: I'm starting to get a sneaking suspicion that these results are....simmed. Have you ever seen a chick do a tiger suplex? Have you ever seen 10 tiger suplexes on one friggin show? What the hell is a tiger suplex?

Seth: This card brought to you by Zeus Pro: The Simulator of Champions! Now with extra foot references...

****Stacy Keibler short-arm clotheslines Rachel Hardy to the mat. Now Rachel Hardy standing. Rachel Hardy hits her with a back fist. Stacy gets hit with a dragon screw from Rachel Hardy. Rachel Hardy gets up. Rachel Hardy hits a jumping elbow thrust on Stacy Keibler-Norton. Stacy Keibler-Norton gets hit with the shooting star press from Rachel Hardy. Earl Hebner counts the pin. ...1 Stacy Keibler escapes. ****

Seth: The shooting star press kind of gives away the simulator, huh?

TV: Yep. I mean, these chicks are lucky they can walk to the ring without tripping. Sure they're cute, but they ain't no geniuses.

****JR - You just can't win this early in a match.****

TV: Early! We're an hour into this match alfriggin ready.

**** Especially with an opponent like Stacy. ****

TV: She goes down faster than a sinking boat.

****Stacy climbs to his feet.****

TV: Stacy's a man! Oh God.

Seth: Someone forgot to load "Logic.exe" on his copy of Zeus...

Crow: And loaded "pain_and_boredom.exe" instead...

****Stacy Keibler hits a running forearm smash on Rachel Hardy's face. Stacy Keibler-Norton sends Rachel Hardy to ringside.****

TV: So if I've jerked off while watching her wrestle, does that mean I'm a fag?

[Tom and Seth gradually make some space between Trey and themselves.]

****Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) Now Rachel Hardy standing. (..2) Rachel Hardy executes a swinging bulldog on Stacy Keibler driving Stacy's face into the floor. Rachel Hardy is up again. Stacy Keibler-Norton stands up. (...3) Stacy Keibler is hit with a backward kick. ****

Tom: A "kcik", in effect...

****Stacy Keibler is back on her feet. Stacy Keibler-Norton tries for a fisherman suplex but is not strong enough to lift Rachel Hardy.****

TV: She's strong enough. She doesn't doesn't have the desire. She didn't listen to that Creed song 10,000 times like the rest of us.

****They head back into the ring.
Rachel Hardy gets up off the ground and Stacy hits her with a flying dropkick. Stacy gets back to her feet. Stacy Keibler-Norton hits an electrifying flying summersault headbutt on Rachel Hardy. Stacy Keibler-Norton executes a corkscrew legdrop on Rachel Hardy. ****

Seth: Rachel Hardy should be offically pronounced DOA after those moves. Let's see if she sells...

****Stacy Keibler-Norton gets up. Rachel Hardy clotheslines Stacy Keibler-Norton.****

Seth: *sigh*

**** Rachel Hardy hits Stacy with the crotch slam.****

TV: I'd like to slam her crotch.

Seth: I hear that...

****Rachel Hardy thrust kicks Stacy Keibler-Norton in the head. Stacy Keibler gets hit with the shooting star press from Rachel Hardy. The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 ...3
'Rachel Hardy's Music hits' 'Rachel Hardy is given the Womens Title from the Referee. Rachel climbs the turnbuckle and hold the Womens Championship in the air and taunts the crowd who cheer for her.****

Crow: She taunts them and they cheer? Some cultural difference, maybe? Perhaps English people boo the ones they like?

***Stacy looks to be pissed off.****

Seth: ...Because her WWFX contract doesn't expire for another six months...

****Stacy pulls Rachel off the turnbuckle and slaps her in the face before telling her that she won't hold that title for long.****

TV: In this fed, EVERYTHING last a LONG, LONG, LONG time.

****Stacy then gets out of the ring and returns to the back, followed by Rachel the New Womens Champion'****

TV: If you're so talented, win a man's title.

Tom: So by that logic, Chyna was talented, Trey?

Seth: He's got you there, TV...

****Ring Announcer: "Your Winner and NEW WWFX Womens Champion, Rachel Hardy"
King - My god King, Rachel is the new Womens Champion. What a women, her and Lita seem to be the best fighting Diva's here in the WWFX!!***

Crow: (King) ...And that's such a sad state of affairs, I think I'm going to cry...

TV: Not to mention the best TNA. No. Why would the King say such a thing? #Pffft#

****JR - Well we can see if Lita can keep the Internet Title she won back at Wresltemania next when she defends it to Torrie Wilson!!
**Advertisement** ****

Seth: (Advertorial Announcer) Zeus Pro wrestling Simulator! It sucks, but it's free!

****WWFX Forceable Entry, out 26th March 2002, featuring hits songs from famous artists, such as Drowning Pools remix of motorhead's The Game****

TV: Which sucks ass! What a horrible remix. I piss on that CD for that reason alone.

Seth: I'd piss on it based soley on the WWFX logo on the cover...

****, Boy hits Car

Crow: ...Film at 11..

****with a remix of Lita's Entrance Theme and many many more. WWFX Forceable Entry is full of 18 kick ass songs to get you through the day. Out 26th March 2002
**End of Advertisement**

Seth: Sadly, this means we're back to the WWFX. Only seven more hours to go, guys!

***King - I've got to get that CD JR, that's going to kick ass.***

Tom: I think he means "lick ass"

****JR - Yeah it is King, and the next PPV is Backlash, and that will be on April 21st see the Pay Per View Section of the WWFX website at www.wwf-xperience.com for more details!!****

Seth: Just click on the "Ripped-Off-PPV-Titles" link...

**** **We are Backstage**

TV: Everyone is looking for the scripts. The entertaining ones. Did Stephanie McMahon write this show?

****The camera comes on in the backstage area inside the locker room of Lita Crawford you can see she is already dressed for her match. She is wearing a King of highrisk t-shirt and a pair of JJ's leather wrestling pants.

Crow: Guess we know who wears the pants in THAT family...

****Just then a knock at the door is heard. ****

Crow: Ring, ring, ring.

****Lita: "Come in."****

Seth: (Lita) ...If you're naked!

****Just then Trish Stratus makes her way into Lita's locker room.****

TV: Trish joins her breasts in a couple of minutes.

****Trish: "Hey Lita."
Lita: "Hi Trish what can I do for you?" ****

Crow: (Trish) You can rip off my clothes and... wait, is this a crappy lemon, or an actual wrestling event?

Seth: (Lita) It's too early to say...

****Trish: "Well I just wanted to say that what the nWo last Sunday was out of line. I mean if they did that to The Rock I would be really pissed off."
Lita: "What are you saying Trish? You trying to say I'm not pissed?" ****

Seth: (Irish Cop) Ye're pissed, than are ya, my foine gurl? Let's see yez walk that white loine, if ya please...

****Trish: "No that's not what I am saying at all Lita."
Lita: "Well that's what it sounds like Trish."
Trish: "Well I am sorry if I gave you the wrong idea." ***

Tom: Is this going anywhere?

****Lita: "I think your trying to rub. Your relationship with The Rock in my face.****

Seth: Tonight the part of Lita will be played by William Shatner...

***I mean I dated The Rock and he isn't that great I mean he treated me like shit."****

TV: Reason number 101 why Lita will never be a millionaire divorcee. She actually expects to be treated good by someone with a lot of money. Wake up honey. It's 2001.

Seth: Uh, it's 2002, Trey.

TV: Oh, yeah.

****Trish: "Well maybe it wasn't him maybe it was your fault."
Lita: "Maybe you should leave before I kick your ass."****

Tom: Maybe you should strip off and wrestle in olive oil?

TV: (Lita) I'll rip those implants out of you and stuff em deep down your throat. Won't be anything new for you though, will it, you skank ass ho?

****Trish: "Whatever."
Trish leaves the locker room.****

TV: Any day now. There you go.

Seth: Well, that wasn't pointless. No, not at all...

**** **We return to the ring**
JR - Woah, Trish & Lita are fighting, I thought they were friends!?
King - Well JR, you should know that Women fight when it comes to men.****

Crow: (King) Especially a big Memphis studmuffin like me!

****JR - Too True!! King ****

Tom: (Stephen Hawking) Thank. You. Jim. Ross.

****King - Well anyways Lita will be out here next defending her Internet Championship to Torrie Wilson!!
'Sinner by Drowning Pool hits'
King - That's not Torrie's or Lita's Music!!
JR - My god, Lashers here, Lasher is here!!!****

TV: Who the frick is Lasher?

****King - Calm down JR, this is not our tag team champions any more, Lasher is on his own.
Lasher comes out to a Lasher chant****

Seth: While wearing his Lasher T-shirt and special Lasher Underoos...

****as the crowd are going nuts but Lasher has not got a happy look on his face as he walks directly to the ring.****

Seth: (Lasher) I'm getting paid HOW MUCH to work here? This sucks!

****JR - Lasher looks like he has got a few things on his mind
King - Yeah, can he get a new leg for Psycore.****

TV: And some feet for Edge.

Seth: And an eye for Booker T.

Tom: And some ribs and a side of coleslaw for JR...

****JR - Your sick King, that's not funny, a mans future in this business has come to an end and you laugh.
Lasher is in the ring as he gets a mic *****

Seth: (Irish cop) Who are you callin' a Mick, laddie! Beggorah!

****Lasher: "Oracle, the future, someone who has the ability to read into a person and the future is no more."****

TV: He never saw it coming, right?

****Lasher drops his head ****

TV: (Lasher) Don't steal my material Trey.

****Lasher: "Oracle, the future of this industry, the duo that were going to destroy the nWo, are no more."
The crowd boo for the nWo***

Seth: Apparently they put "nWo" on their Pay-per-View advertisments... meaning "Not Worth Ordering".

Lasher: "My good friend Psycore has been released, he has been fired by that stupid son of a bitch Vince McMahoon, and yeah, you are thinking as well as I am.****

TV: Are you thinking as well as he is? Me caveman, you gay. Me main eventer, you jabronie. Me Lasher. nWo bad. TV good. WWFX bad.

Crow: Original Script by GBH and Coma...

****Psycore has been let go but in the worst possible way.****

TV: His clothes stolen, his ass shaved and tattooed with a big red target?

****We lost the match, that was fair enough, we accepted that, we accepted the terms of the match, we accepted that one of us was going to possibly lose our future in the WWFX.****

Tom: We also accepted a large cash payment and a shipment of incredibly hard drugs....

****The nWo, they won, they pinned Psycore, we had to accept the facts that he was gone, he was to lose his status in the WWFX and that Oracle was finished, it was no more.****

Seth: Boy, when he gets on a roll, there's just no stopping him. Five bucks says he'll pass out from lack of oxygen before the end of this promo...

TV: I'll take a piece of that action...

****But one thing happened that proved there is no remorse in this business, what happened after the match, sickened me to the bone, it was a chilling moment, the nWo went onto end Psycore's career and damn they done a great job.****

Seth: Don't take a breath, you wimp! Finish the entire rant in one sentence! I dare you!

****Psycore went to Dr Andrews yesterday and he says he will be lucky if he gets away with a limp."****

Tom: A limp what?

TV: This man makes Chris Benoit look like The Rock.

****Suddenly the lights dim a little as some strange music plays over the PA and the screen scramble when slowly comes through an image. As it gets clearer it turns out to be Psycore as he sits in a wheelchair at a hospital.
The crowd goes nuts
JR - Psycore, its Psycore King.
King - He can't be here he's fired****

TV: We don't employ the handicapped!

Crow: (Edge) Does this mean I'm fired, eh? I can still walk on my stumps... (THUMP) Ow. Eh?

****Psycore: "As Lasher said, my career was ended on Sunday, but Norton went one step further and made sure I couldn't even go to another federation when he snapped my ankle in two and now I may never wrestle again.****

TV: Oh yeah. Those ankles will end your career. What a pussy. No confidence. No drive. No determination. And the fans like this guy? He has no heart. He is NOT great.

**** I know I can hear you King and I know I'm fired and I can't be there, but I'm not, I'm on the screen so I'm breaking no rules.****

Seth: Except the rules of grammer and good public speaking...

****These will be last words to the fans and it is to say, Thank you for the support through the time I was here, you really helped me and Lasher be the best we could be and I know you will continue to support him. Oracle is no more but the spirit will live on. Lasher, you are the best tag team partner a guy can have and I know you will get payback for what happened. Lasher, these people are yours now, be good" ****

Tom: (Jerry Springer) ...to yourselves... And to each other. Now, can we get the overweight redneck to punch the drag queen again?

****The screen flickers back to darkness as the lights fully come back on.
Lasher: "The words of a good man, he was the best and now he's gone****

Seth: ...And we don't care!

****so, now nWo, well done, you have started something that you will not be able to finish and that will be me, standing alone, going to kick all your asses, and I will do it in the name of Psycore, who will indeed go down as a legend.****

TV: He ain't no Trey Vincent, Steve Studnuts or Seth Harker. He's not even a James Nethery.

Crow: Who?

Seth: Don't ask...

****nWo, you have one pissed off guy coming after you and later tonight, it may not be the nWo but Triple H, I'm going to take that title that once belonged to Psycore and in his memory I will win it and hold it with honour.

Seth: He's not dead, you putz... although he has gone to a better place...

Crow: Yeah, unemployment.

****Psycore's legacy will live on and Triple H, The Game is almost over for your dual title reign."
Lasher drops the mic as he walks off up the ramp****

TV: You owe me five, Harker...

Seth: Crap.

****JR - Well King, we have heard Psycore's last words, and words of retribution from Lasher.
King - Lasher wont be able to stop Norton, Scott Steiner or Undertaker of the nWo. Lasher is out of his depths there.
JR - Maybe your right King, but if JJ Crawford comes back tonight then Lasher has back up to take down the nWo.

Tom: And if the fake Crawford turns up and is revealled as Sting in disguise, everyone will get really confused! Won't that be great!

****King - Well anyways, Torrie Wilson is on here way!!
'Torrie Wilson's Music hits'
'Torrie Wilson walks out onto the stage and she makes her way down to the ring'****

TV: Man, I'd love to bend her over and eat her grilled cheese sandwich.

Seth: Wake me when the Xeroxed Entrances are over...

****Ring Announcer: "This next match is a Divas Match and it's for the WWFX Internet Championship, making her way to the ring. Torrie Wilson"
'Lita's Music hits'
'Lita makes her way out to the stage, she has the WWFX Internet Championship around her waist, and she makes her way down the ramp to the ring.
Ring Announcer: "Her opponent, she's the WWFX Internet Champion, Lita"
Lita gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Torrie Wilson. Lita drops Torrie Wilson with a Gorilla Press Slam on the mat.****

TV: Deja fothermucking vu.

Seth: Innovation and Originality. Some are born with it. Some learn it. And some people just don't give a rats' ass! WWFX: Xperience the Apathy.

****(ring, ring, ring)****

TV: ARGH!

****Torrie Wilson hits Lita with a back fist. Torrie spinning mule kicks Lita. Torrie Wilson puts Lita in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: Shuck this fit.

Seth: Fast-forward?

Crow: Do it!

[Ffwd.]

Tom: (High-pitched) Feetfeetfeetfeetfeetfeetfeetfeetfeetfeetarmgrapvinesubmissionfeet....

****JR - This is quality sports entertainment!****

TV: Whoa! Trey Vincent is quality sports entertainment. The iAd is quality sports entertainment. This? Is sports travesty.

[Ffwd.]

****Torrie Wilson sucks chants start in the crowd.****

[Fans: Torrie sucks cock! Torrie sucks cock!]

[Ffwd.]

****Torrie applies the clawhold on Lita.***

TV: Right in the crotch. She's looking for a piece of tuna pie there.

Seth: I think she's channelling the spirit of Kerry Von Erich...

****Torrie Wilson chops Lita.****

TV: I would never chop Lita's breasts. I'd do plenty of other things to them, but never chop them. Call me Lita.

Crow: (To Trey) Okay, Lita...

****Torrie Wilson hits Lita with an ear ringer.****

TV: Ring, ring, ring. I think I should call Death and have him visit this federation.

[Ffwd.]

Tom: (High-pitched) Chopchopchopchop....

****Lita pulls Torrie's hair.****

TV: Sorry, I saw hair pulling. Like I want to see a T-bone suplex. All I want is a bunch of doggy-style pin attempt, breast chopping, sunset flips and cat fight action.

Seth: Paging Mr Russo...

[Ffwd]

*** Lita moves back to her feet. They head back into the ring. Lita shoves Earl Hebner. ring, ring, ring!****

Seth: (Lita) That's for peeking into my locker room, Earl...

TV: Oh no, a DQ. This isn't good!

Crow: Why? It means the match is over, doesn't it? That's good in my opinion...

*** Earl Hebner calls for the bell. Lita was disqualified.
'Torrie Wilson's Music hits'
'Torrie Wilson leaves the ring****

Tom: Ring, ring, ring...

****and Lita gets up and grabs her title and leaves the ring'
Ring Announcer: "Winner by a result of disqualification Torrie Wilson"
King - Lita's pretty pissed of JR.****

TV: If you worked for the WWFX, wouldn't YOU be pissed off?

Seth: She's pissed of JR? What did HE do?

****JR - Yeah she looks like it too, Torrie Wilson won the match by DQ meaning that Lita still keeps her WWFX Internet Title. Do you think Lita is losing it because of JJ not being here? ****

Crow: Actually, I think she's losing it because of the pressures of being made to have kinky lesbian sex with Stephanie and Trish in 5, 000 fan-fics a month...

****King - I have no idea JR, but I hope JJ does come back otherwise I don't know how Lita is going to cope!!***

TV: Maybe she could fake a pregnancy?

****JR - This is really bad on Lita, and it's all the nWo's fault. But next Joe Cool takes on Jeff Hardy in a Hardcore Match for the HaRdCoRe Championship!****

Seth: It's HaRdCoRe! And exTreME! And we'Ll CapITaLiSe ANythINg we WaNT BecAuSE We'Re the wwfX!

****Joe Cool's Music hits'****

Crow: (Hums the "Peanuts" theme)

****'Joe Cool makes his way out to the stage and makes his way down the ramp to the ring'****

TV: Didn't Joe Cool pretend he was Y2J earlier tonight? Or was I tripping then?

Seth: Do you need Crows' flowchart?

****Ring Announcer: "This next match is a HaRdCoRe Match and it's for the WWFX HaRdCoRe Championship, making his way to the ring the challnenger, Joe Cool"
'The Hardy Boyz Music hits'
'Jeff Hardy comes to the stage with the HaRdCoRe Title belt around his waist, Jeff Hardy makes his way to the ring'
Ring Announcer: "His opponent, making his way to the ring, the WWFX HaRdCoRe Champion Jeff Hardy!!"
Jeff Hardy gets nailed with a charging axhandle bodyblock from Joe Cool. ****

Seth: Now THERE'S a move no-one's tried before...

Crow: No-one sober, anyway...

****Jeff Hardy walks around the ring. (ring, ring, ring)****

TV: The starts of all these matches are about as predictable as a Kevin Nash promo starting with, "You know...." or one of his matches starting with a knee lift.

[Ffwd]

****Jeff Hardy and Joe Cool move from the ring to the ring entrance Jeff Hardy throws basket ball at Joe Cool.****

Seth: (Jeff Hardy) Hey, forget the match! Let's play some one-on-one, Joe!

TV: Uh oh! Even WWFX has caught March Madness! Well, at least WWFX and its fans have a lot in common. They're all mad.

[Ffwd]

****Joe Cool uses the verticle facebuster on Jeff Hardy.****

Crow: C'mon, forget the verticles, go for the testicles!

****Mandy clotheslines Jeff Hardy.****

TV: Mandy. You silly bitch. Take it off!

[Ffwd]

****Jeff Hardy swings garbage can and hits Joe Cool. Joe Cool breaks garbage can. Joe Cool is bleeding as a result.****

Tom: Is that *A* garbage can, or is there a wrestler *named* "Garbage Can" in this match?

[Seth consults the flowchart]

Seth: I'll get back to you on that....

****Jeff Hardy hits Joe Cool with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle.****

TV: Isn't Trey Vincent also a hardcore champion somewhere? Oh yeah, in BOB! These guys ain't got nothing on the sports entertainment icon.

[Ffwd]

TV: Oh man, if I wasn't so out of material, I'd go back and say something about the way he just shoved a stick of dynamite up Jeff's ass and lit the fuse.

[Still Ffwding, this match goes about 2 hours. We are now on Day 2 of the unending "Eruption" experience.]

****Jeff Hardy swings stop sign and hits Joe Cool. Joe Cool is bleeding as a result.****

TV: I've gotten worse cuts from paper. C'mon. Stop signs cause a hell of a lot less damage than razor blades.

Tom: I agree with the sentiment, though. STOP! Just STOP the tape...

[Ffwd]

****Jeff Hardy chants start.****

[Crowd: Faggot. Faggot. Faggot.]

****Joe Cool gets back to his feet. Jeff Hardy executes a springboard bulldog, slamming Joe Cool's head onto the metal. Jeff Hardy is up again. Jeff Hardy climbs to the top and hits Joe Cool with the Swanton Bomb. Jeff Hardy goes for a pin. Earl Hebner counts the pin. ...1 ...2 ...3 ****

TV: Where's Teddy Long? Won't hire blacks here in the WWFX, huh? Racist white bred redneck....I'm gonna tell Halle Barre about you people. She's not gonna be pleased. Think she banged Oscar later that night, Seth?

Seth: (Cringes) Now THERE'S an image that'll be stuck in my head for a month or two. Thanks, Trey...

****'Jeff Hardy's Music hits'
'Jeff Hardy grabs the HaRdCoRe Title and leaves the ring, leaving Joe Cool in the ring.'
Ring Announcer: "The Winner of this match and still WWFX HaRdCoRe Champion. Jeff Hardy"

Seth: Whoop-de-ducking-foo...

TV: I think you mean wHooP-dE-DucKing-FoO!!!

****JR - Well Jeff Hardy wins it, and I have just been notified that the #1 contendership that The Hardyz won last week after defeating Edge & Christian in a Ladder match will go to Backlash. So The Hardyz will take on the WWFX Tag Team Champions, Undertaker & Scott Steiner at Backlash!!
King - What one match at Backlash has already been made?

Crow: What one match? This one match. No more match. You got match?

JR - Yeh, and Joe cool is still in the ring and he is just about to leave!
'nWo flashes on the WWFXtron'
'nWo's Music hits'
'Norton, Undertaker & Scott Steiner make their way out to the stage'
JR - What do they want?****

TV: Money and bitches, just like every normal man.

****King - I have no idea King, But Joe Cool is still in the ring and the nWo are coming out here now!!
JR - Well Norton takes on Austin next so maybe this is the Entrance!!****

TV: Just give away all the secrets JR why don't you? What is an entrance?

Seth: It could be their entrance... They've made their way onto the stage. Now, if they walk to ringside, I'd say that fits the pattern nicely...

****'Scott Steiner & Undertaker hold the WWFX Tag Team Championships over their shoulders. Norton holds the WWFX World Championship over his shoulder.****

TV: Hmm, the booker is doing Stacey AND booked himself into a title win. We gotta get us a fed. I knew there was a reason we were going to BOB.

Tom: It wasn't the money BOB offered, then?

[Trey and Seth both break into peals of laughter.]

Seth: *snort*... yeah, right...

****They make their way down to the ring. Joe Cool is making his way back up the ramp and meets the nWo. Norton starts pushing at Joe Cool. Pushing him back to the ring.****

Seth: (Adam Norton) I'm the President, and I'll push anyone I want! Because I can! I'm in chage! ME! ME! ME! It's all about ME!

****Joe Cool gets back into the ring, and the nWo follow.'
JR - What's going on here?****

TV: Let's see. You've got a wrestling ring, an arena full of marks. Could it be, a sports entertainment show?

Crow: Minus the "entertainment" part...

****King - I don't know, but don't tell me the nWo are going to attack Joe Cool!!****

TV: Fine, we won't tell you. There's only two ways this can go, the obvious or the swerve. I'm guessing swerve. Joe Cool is gonna join the nWo. And I really haven't read what happens yet. It's an actual TV prediction.

Seth: Double or nothing on the five bucks?

TV: You're on...

****'Norton walks up to Joe Cool, Joe Cool punches Norton in the face. Steiner walks up to Joe Cool and Joe Cool flips him off and kicks him in the mid section and hits him with a DDP.****

Tom: He's using 40-year wrestlers as weapons! He's Hardcore! He's Hardcore!

***Norton then is smirking. Norton walks to Joe Cool and hits him with a Norton Take out.****

Seth: Ahh, the self-ego stroking beatdown begins. Another primo example of why bookers-slash-presidents should NOT be active wrestlers.

****Joe Cool is lying motionless on the mat. Undertaker leaves the ring and grabs a chair. Undertaker brings the chair into the ring and starts hitting Joe Cool's chest with the chair. Undertaker is driving the Chair into the chest of Joe Cool. Undertaker drops the chair. Undertaker picks up Joe Cool and throws him out of the ring over the top rope. Joe Cool lands at the bottom of the ramp. Undertaker, Steiner & Norton have a discussion in the ring.****

Seth: (Undertaker) Anyone else think this beatdown as spending too much time pointing out the minor details?

Crow: (Norton) Not at all...

Tom: Steiner picks up a chair, unfolds the chair, sits on the chair.

****Steiner & Undertaker leaves the ring. They pick up Joe Cool and take him up the ramp.'****

TV: The swerve is coming.....keep watching......

****JR - What are they going to do to Joe Cool next? I mean the attack he just had in the ring would keep Joe Cool out of action for a week or two.****

TV: I hope we don't lose out on his promos!

Tom: So he won't wrestle for a while. I should send the nWo a "Thank You" card...

****'Steiner & Undertaker have Joe Cool at the stage and they both grab hold of him and lift him into the air. They both run driving Joe Cool's skull into the frame set of the WWFXtron. Joe Cool is busted open and is bleeding.****

TV: Busted and bleeding? At least he has EYES.

Crow: Isn't "busted open" and "bleeding" pretty much the same thing? WWFX: Excessive Verbosity is Our Watchword!

****Joe Cool still held up by Taker and Steiner. Taker & Steiner then go over to the edge of the stage and throw Joe Cool off of it. Joe Cool lands on the concrete after going through a table'****

Seth: (Undertaker) That'll teach you to upstage me by daring to sell moves!

Crow: Go, on Taker! Really teach him a lesson by throwing a basketball at him!

Tom: I guess you just saved five bucks, Seth...

Seth: Good. Wouldn't want my first BOB paycheck going to Trey...

****JR - My God King, first JJ, then Psycore, then Joe Cool who is next King?****

TV: I hope it's The Rock's candy ass. Does he call everyone a candy ass because asses make tootsie rolls?

****King - I don't know but I hope it isn't me.****

Seth: (King) Because then no-one would hear my witty, insightful commentary. CHOP! SLAP! GORE!

****The nWo destroy JJ at No Way Out, they destroy JJ's Dream and mocked him at Wrestlemania. They broke Psycore's Ankle at Wrestlemania. And now they have just injured Joe Cool, giving him a concussion and then throwing him off the stage and him landing on the concrete after going through a table.****

TV: (Sarcastically) Oh, BOOOO. The nWo is bad. They killed my heroes.

Tom: Lawler is damn good! Even Dr Kildare never diagnosed a concussion while sitting 40 feet from the patient...

****JR - Well we don't know how long Joe Cool will be out for but we need JJ to return and fast. The nWo is destroying the WWFX and Vince's plan to bring Shane back to destroy the nWo failed last week!!****

Seth: Shane was his big plan to destroy the nWo? Great, next he'll bring in David Flair and Dick Togo...

****'Norton is still standing in the ring, laughing at what Steiner & Taker just did. Steiner & Taker taunt the grow and wave as the return to the back,****

Seth: (Serious Voice) Some are born knowing what that means. Some will take acid and THINK they understand what it means. 99% of the world won't even give a crap. WWFX: Xperience the snurt gruntfubbly ploort.

****Norton grabs a mic from ringside!!'
Norton: "It's just wonderful isn't it"****

Everyone: NO!

****Crowd: "Boo, Norton Sux!!!"
Norton: "Well I don't really Suck because I have a job, I'm here doing my job now.****

TV: Kayfabe, my man. Don't tell everyone you're gonna do the job. Now there's no suspense. Ah fek it. I'm not watching anymore of this.

****It doesn't look like to me that you have any jobs, you jobless pieces of shit.****

TV: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Man, I'm gonna steal that. That'll be huge in jOlt.

****Yeah this may be my home country. But I know that most of you Londoners are just sacks of shit!****

TV: BWAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh man, he is B A D bad.

**** Now rather than wasting my time talking to you.***

TV: Jobless pieces of jobless shit who I piss and shit on cuz your jobless shit.

****I would just like to say one thing, Austin you wanted me in the ring, a member of the Alliance vs the nWo.****

Seth: The WWFX: Two failed angles in one federation at no extra cost...

****Well Rattlesnake. You've got it. So get your yellow belly out here now!! Or are you just a pussy!!" ****

TV: Careful. If you keep insulting him like this, he might go home.

****'GLASS SHATTERS'****

TV: Oh, right, this isn't the WWF.

****JR - Well here comes Austin, he wasted no time in replying to Norton's little speech!!
'The Crowd are going nuts for Austin' ****

TV: I'm starting to respect this guy. Creative control and refusing to job, my kind of nigg, er, I mean, my MAN! Must stop listening to N.W.A. every day. Beyotch!

Tom: Word up.

Seth: Nifty...

****'Stone Cold Steve Austin make his way down the ramp to the ring, Austin gets into the ring with Norton' (ring, ring, ring)****

TV: (Picking up a phone. He dials some digits and puts the phone to his ear.) Hi. I'd like to get an escort delivered. Yeah. Cool.

****Norton short-arm clotheslines The Rattlesnake to the mat. Steve Austin moves back to his feet. Steve Austin slaps Norton.****

TV: WHAT?!

Seth: Hey, that was the Lou Thesz Slap, get it right!

****Norton hits a kneeling headbutt to Steve Austin's groin.****

TV: As long as she'll do a kneeling headbutt to my groin, yeah, you can call me back. My number is [XXX-XXX-XXXX]. Cool.

****Steve Austin is back on his feet. The Rattlesnake kicks Norton in the groin.****

TV: $200 bucks per hou,r boys. It'll be worth it. It'll get me through the last 10 hours of this show.

Seth: Well, at least one of us will be having fun during a WWFXperience...

****Flying Tomahawk by Austin sends Norton down to the mat.****

TV: WHAT! Job to who? What? I'm going home? What? I said I'm going home. You want to try to put on an entertaining show? What? Your show is bullshit! What? I said the WWF is bullshit. That's why I'm in the WWFX. And that's the bottom line, what! Cuz Stone Cold says so.

Seth: Oddly, that was the exact text of Stone Colds last WWFX interview... you tunring psychic on us, Trey?

****Norton stands up. Flying side kick by Norton takes The Rattlesnake off his feet. Norton gets up. Steve Austin with a powerful choke lift on Norton.****

Crow: Wow, it's Stone Kane Steve Undertaker!

****Now Norton standing. Austin neck snaps Norton. Steve Austin executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Norton. The Rattlesnake jumps off the turnbuckle with the flying bodypress on Norton. Now The Rattlesnake standing. Norton double underhook faceslams Steve Austin hard to the mat.****

TV: Oh yeah, like he'd ever allow that to happen in a match. Anybody got a beer. I'm feeling kinda thirsty.

Seth: If we were smart, we would have have a couple of six-packs before this card ever started...

****Steve Austin gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Norton. Norton tackles The Rattlesnake.
King - Austin takes a football tackle.****

TV: I sure could use a tight end.

Seth: If you're getting an escort, you'll probably be getting a wide receiver.

TV: True.

****[Norton jumps off the turnbuckle with the flying bodypress on The Rattlesnake. Norton moves back to his feet. Now The Rattlesnake standing. Norton with a Russian legsweep on The Rattlesnake. Norton gets back to his feet. The Rattlesnake is up again. Norton sends The Rattlesnake to ringside. Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) Norton gets hit with a fisherman suplex by Steve Austin.****

TV: He's never used that move before!!

Seth: Five bucks says he uses a shooting star press before this one's over...

[Phone rings.]

TV: Hello? Hi.

****Steve Austin gets up. (..2) Steve Austin chokes Norton with a microphone cable. (...3)****

TV: Brunettes are good. Must have long hair. At least 5-6. So who you got for me?

****Austin applies the clawhold on Norton. (....4) Austin gets hit with a flying forearm right to the face. (.....5)****

Tom: Right, those two moves linked together nicely...

****Norton and Steve Austin move back into the ring. Norton puts Austin in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: Damn it! This is the most overused move in the WWFX! Where are the punches and stomps. That's entertainment! What? Oh sorry, I'm watching some horrible sports entertainment show. Go ahead darling. The younger the better.

****Norton goes off the top and hits a flying sitdown splash on Austin.****

Seth: It's the BUTTDROP OF DOOM!

****Norton climbs to his feet. The Rattlesnake gets hit with the shooting star press from Norton. Earl Hebner counts the pin. ...1 Steve Austin kicks out.****

TV: Do a job? What?

****Steve Austin climbs to his feet. Austin is hit with a backward kick. Austin gets back to his feet. Steve Austin gets sidewalk slammed by Norton. Norton hits Austin with an elbow drop. Now Austin standing. The Rattlesnake double underhook faceslams Norton hard to the Norton.****

Tom: He slammed him to the Norton? Is that another way of saying he hit him in the dickey?

****Now Norton standing. Norton tackles Austin and pummels his head. Austin climbs to his feet. Norton gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Austin. Austin grabs Norton and applies an arm wrench.****

TV: I wish somebody would hit the person who 'wrote' these results with a wrench. Yeah, she sounds good. Have her call me. Thanks darling. (Hangs up phone.)

****Norton gets back to his feet. Norton gouges Steve Austin's eyes out.****

Crow: OOOH, not again! Oh, the humanity!

TV: OH MY GOD! Not twice in one show! Look at Austin stumbling around. Look at the blood. Look at the gore! Look at those empty sockets!

Seth: Ah, he's a tough SOB. He'll deal with it...

****The Rattlesnake gets taken down with a corkscrew armdrag.
JR - Norton with a corkscrew armdrag.****

TV: How can you heartless bastards worry about an armdrag! He's lost his eyes! Sell it JR, sell it!

****Steve Austin is up again. Steve Austin tries for a jumping clothesline but Norton avoids it.****

TV: Can we get Austin a guide dog?

****The Rattlesnake puts the chicken wing on Norton.****

TV: Where the hell did he get a chicken wing? Anybody want some chicken?

Crow: Regular or Extra-Crispy?

Seth: I could go some French Fries about now...

Tom: (Austin) Wait, this aint a chicken wing! Edge, I think I found your foot!

****Earl Hebner asks Norton if he quits.****

Seth: (Adam Norton) Quit? I'm the president! Of course I don't quit! Or job. YOU'RE FIRED, HEBNER!

****... The Rattlesnake breaks the hold. The Rattlesnake discus punches Norton. Austin rolls onto Norton connecting with a knee. Norton connects with a low blow. Austin goes down.****

TV: Austin's giving head. And he can't even see that he's doing it! Get that man a feeling cane!

****Norton knees The Rattlesnake and rolls back to his feet. Austin puts Norton on the top rope and executes a superplex. The Rattlesnake goes off the top turnbuckle and double foot stomps Norton.****

TV: Look at his sockets! Look at his sockets! Hey, if they recycle spots, I recycle jokes. Maybe somebody missed it last time I said it. This IS a 2-day wrestling festival.

****Steve Austin fist drops Norton on the mat. The Rattlesnake moves back to his feet. Norton gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Austin. Now Steve Austin standing. Norton gets knocked on the ground and Steve Austin flips onto him.****

Tom: Okay, now he's Stone Cold Steve Tajiri...

***Now Steve Austin standing. Norton gets hit with the shooting star press from Austin.****

Seth: TOLD YA!

Crow: Picked it like a dirty nose, Seth...

****Earl Hebner counts. ...1 Norton escapes. Norton is back on his feet. Steve Austin is T-Bone suplexed by Norton. Now Norton standing. Now Austin standing.

Tom: Now match sucking.

****Norton leaps up, swings around Steve Austin and DDT's him onto the mat. Norton sucks chants start in the crowd.****

TV: (Norton) I blinded Austin, you jobless pieces of shit!

****Austin climbs to his feet. Norton hits Austin with the Asai moonsault bodyblock. Norton climbs to his feet. Austin gets back to his feet. Austin hits a running summersault legdrop on Norton.****

TV: Oh come on! Rob Van Dam could barely do that move! Austin's pushing 40, the only way he's gonna flip like that is if he gets a hot poker jammed up his ass.

Crow: Super Crazy Steve Austin?

****Steve Austin executes a corkscrew legdrop on Norton. Austin is back on his feet. Steve Austin hits a Stone Cold Stunner on Norton. Austin picks up Norton. Norton is staggering in the ring, Austin hits a Stone Cold Stunner, Austin covers Norton hooking the leg! The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 ...3
'GLASS SHATTERS'
'Stone Cold Steve Austin's Music hits' ****

TV: And the world is a happy place. The man who puts good sports entertainment first, fans second, has triumphed for the 10,000th time.

Seth: (Adam Norton) I lost? That's not right! It's MY fed, therefore I should have won! Right, I'm taking my fed and going home!

****Ring Announcer: "The winner of this match Stone Cold Steve Austin!!"
'Norton leaves the ring, Austin in the ring is asking for some beers,****

Crow: But he didn't say "please", so he doesn't get one...

***Austin opens the up****

Tom: Close the down, inverts the sideways and does things with the diagonal we can't show on TV...

****and climbs the turnbuckles and taunts the crowd, drinking down the beer' ****

TV: (Stone Cold) You can't reach my beers. Ha ha! (Middle fingers flipped) You are all jobless shitheads. I get millions. I don't do jobs. What? I said I don't do jobs! And you people don't have jobs. Isn't it ironic? Where's Alanis Morrisette. Let's do a duet!

****JR - Austin beat Norton King, Can you believe it!!****

TV: Who couldn't! He wins every frigging week. He's this generation's Hulk Hogan. My kind of nigg, er. Must stop that.

****King - Well first the Alliance was against the WWFX and the nWo and the nWo was just against the WWFX. But now it looks like the nWo is now against the WWFX and the nWo!!***

Seth: BFD...

Crow: The nWo's fighting against itself? I'm gonna need a bigger flowchart to work that one out...

****JR - This is looking pretty bad King,****

Tom: What, you just figured that out? We've known how bad this is since the first match!

****we have lost 3 WWFX Superstars, the nWo lost one of there members, Chris Jericho.****

Seth: And I've lost interest in this card. END! END! END!

****'IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!!!'****

TV: It smells like shit compared to what The Domino is stirrin'!

****'The Rock makes his way out to the stage and makes his way down the ramp to the ring'****

TV: Here's THE MAN. My role model. The man who showed me what it means to sports entertain. If only he would start being a baby backstage, he'd be my GOD.

****JR - And what is Rock doing out here, he hasn't got a match tonight!!****

Seth: IT DOESN'T MATTER why he's here...

TV: He must entertain. It's his job! Dumbass. Gotta make the people pay! He's a draw.

****King - Maybe he wants to take out Austin because Austin got in the way of Rock winning at Wrestlemania.****

TV: They're dating?

****And now Triple H is the Double Champion!****

TV: And maybe he just wants to end world peace and start world hunger.

****JR - Well Triple H is defending the Television Title to Lasher, later tonight.****

Crow: (JR) ...If our remaining fans haven't commited group suicide first...

TV: (Phone rings) Hello? Yes.

****'The Rock gets into the ring with Austin, The Rock and Austin exchange words!!****

TV: Hold on darling, The Rock and Stone Cold are exhanging words!

Crow: (Rock) I'll give you jabrony for rattlesnake.

Tom: (Austin) No deal. How about smell for hell?

Crow: (Rock) Throw in bottom. You know my bottom is better than yours.

Tom: (Austin) Only if you throw in all. Never say all again.

Crow: (Rock) No deal Austin.

Tom: (Austin) How about Rattlesnake for Scorpion?

Crow: (Rock) Are you mad? I'm a box office draw!

TV: Looks like those two couldn't work out a trade. When is the catchphrase trading deadline this year?

****Austin asks for some more beer. Austin passes a beer to The Rock. Austin & Rock open up their beer cans and climbs the turnbuckles.****

Seth: But remember, friends don't let friends climb turnbuckles while drunk...

****Austin gets down and asks for a mic as The Rock gets down from the turnbuckle.'
Austin: "Rock, welcome to The Alliance"****

Seth: (Austin) Let's see if we can fuck up this angle faster than Mcmahon did...

Tom: (Rock) You're on!

The Rock takes the Mic.****

TV: If he doesn't say, finally, The Rock, HAS COME BACK, to London, this is the worst promotion of all time. Yes I'm still here, hold on a second. You'll get paid.

****The Roick: "Well now,****

TV: Ring, ring, ring!

Seth: No, wait he might still say it once this "Roick" guy gets out of the ring...

****I would like to say that now that I am in The Alliance. Things are going to get a little more better around here.****

TV: But only a little mo' better beyotch!

Tom: That's not the Rock, that's Damon Wayans!

****Because now you have Rock and Austin. The biggest superstars in the WWFX. To lay the smackdown on everyone of your son of a bitches candyass!! IF YA SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'!! ****

TV: Oh man. They can't even book The Rock. Is Eric Bischoff running this federation?

Seth: Impossible... no-ones done a "shoot" interview yet...

****'The Rock's Music hits'
'The Rock & Austin drink some more beer before leaving the ring'
JR - What the hell? The Rock just turned on his fans and the people, and become a member of The Alliance? ****

TV: He did? Who'd know? The fans didn't even react! OK darling. You need directions, right?

****King - Well Rock I hope The Alliance treats you well because I don't think the fans are going to like what you just did!!
JR - Well King, Rock & Austin were at Wrestlemaina. And the were both in a Match with Undertaker & Triple H. Austin & Rock believe they were screwed.****

Tom: (JR) ...the moment they agreed to work in this podunk federation...

****And now Triple H is the double champion. But will he after tonight when he defends the WWFX Television Championship to Lasher!!
King - Maybe. Maybe not! I just don't know!!

Seth: (Stoner King) Wow, I feel so torn...

TV: OK. I'll be expecting you.

**** **We are backstage**
The camera comes on inside the locker room ff Vince McMahon. Where Micheal Cole is!****

TV: Oooh. Oooh! It's Michael Cole! Where are my tissues!

****Cole: "Mr McMahon with the actions of nWo as of late. And seeing that with this war with nWo. The WWFX has come up on the losing end of it.****

Seth: Why does. Everyone in. This federation. Have such. A stop-start. Interview. Style?

****What does WWFX need to be able to stand a chance against them?"****

Tom: A better booker, logical angles, three times the talent it possesses now and a president with a higher IQ than a rockmelon...

****Vince: "Heart......miles and miles of heart."****

TV: I have miles and miles of something else. It's in my drawers. Wanna see it?

Seth: I remember "Heart"... Didn't they get to #11 with "Barracuda"?

****Cole: "What do you mean by that Mr McMahon?"****

Seth: (Cole) Pretend I'm an imbecile and explain it in detail.

Crow: (Vince) What do you mean, "pretend"?

****Vince: "What I mean by that is someone who puts their body on the line day in and day out for the business. Micheal I said a prayer last night to have god bring a saviour to the WWFX. To fight off the nWo."
Cole: "A saviour."****

Seth: (Cole) Okay, Vince has gone bye-bye... can we get him commited?

TV: Jesus Christ is coming to WWFX!

****Vince: "Yes Micheal a saviour. The WWFX is in need of one. So I made a call this morning to the only guy that I knew who could help us. But he has not returned my phone calls."****

TV: Definitely Jesus. Because Vince has the hotline to Satan.

****Cole: "Who?"****

Crow: GILLBERG!

Tom: No, that "He Hate Me" guy from the XFL!

****Vince: "We need the King of Highrisk JJ Crawford!"****

TV: BOOOOOOOO! We want Jesus (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

****You hear the fans cheer when Vince says the name of JJ Crawford. Vince: "JJ if your watching I want to know if you still have what it takes. Do you still have what it takes to call yourself the King of highrisk?****

Seth: (Vince) Do you still give those "special" backrubs?

****Can you still raise hell and be the bad ass mother fucker we know you are?****

TV: Watch your mouth Vince! The stockholders aren't gonna like this shit.

****In other words what I want to know JJ is can you still fuck people up king of highrisk style."

Seth: What a fucking potty mouth Vince is turning into...

****Vince McMahon pauses!****

Crow: I'll alert the media...

****Vince: "Because without him Micheal. I have a feeling the WWFX will not last against Norton and the nWo."****

TV: Subliminal message: We don't need any fans. We need JJ!

**** **We return to the ring**
JR - Oh my!! Vince doesn't believe that the WWFX will survive!! ****

Seth: And the rest of the world only HOPES the WWFX doesn't survive...

TV: Steroid controversies, clowns, backstage politicians, WCW, they all failed. But the nWo will destroy Vince's empire. Ooookay!

****King - It will, with one man. And that man is JJ Crawford!! Come back you son of a bitch!! The WWFX needs you!!****

TV: Hey, hey! No need to insult his mother!

****JR - Calm down King, we have one final match tonight, Lasher taking on Triple H for the Television Championship.****

TV: Final match!

Seth, Crow and Tom: (Lethargicly) Yay.

TV: The wrestling festival is almost over? Oh darn. (Phone rings again.) Hello?

****'Lasher's Music hits'
'Lasher makes his way out to the stage and starts to make his way down the ramp to the ring'****

Seth: Zeus Pro: No, You CAN'T Have a Cool Entrance, Pal!

****Ring Announcer: "This next match is for one fall and it's for the WWFX Television Championship, making his way to the ring, the challenger, Lasher"****

TV: No, take a right, then a left. Park wherever you can. There should be plenty of spots out front. I'm on the top floor. Thanks. See you soon.

****'TIME TO PLAY THE GAME'****

Crow: And the game tonight is... Strip Twister!

TV: Hmmm... (Mulls over the posibilities)

****'Triple H's Music hits'
'Triple H comes out to the stage, holding the WWFX Television Championship over his left shoulder and holding the WWFX United States Championship over his right shoulder.

Tom: And holding the bookers dickey every Saturday night to ensure his continued push...

***Triple makes his way down the ramp to the ring'

Seth: (Trip) Damn it, dropped my H...

Crow: (Edge) See if you can find my foot when you look for it, eh?

****Ring Announcer: "His opponent, making his way to the ring, he's the WWFX United States and WWFX Television Champion,****

Tom: ...And current window washer of the Glass Ceiling...

****Triple H"
Lasher executes a pumphandle suplex on Triple H . Triple H executes a pumphandle suplex on Lasher.****

Seth: And now the pre-match butt-banging is over, let's begin...

****(the bell rings)****

Seth: Ring, fucking ring.

****Lasher takes Triple H down with a knee.
King - Triple H takes a knee.****

TV: Um, yeah. Insert joke here.

****Lasher hits Triple H with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Lasher moves back to his feet. Lasher executes a huge gutbuster on Triple H . Triple H gets back to his feet. Triple H goes for a rocker dropper but Lasher dodges the attack.****

TV: And somewhere, Shawn Michaels head explodes after he screams about Billy Gunn, and now Triple-H stealing his move.

****Triple H bounces Lasher off the ropes and clotheslines him. Triple H hits Lasher with an elbow drop from the second turnbuckle. Now Triple H standing. Lasher stands up. Lasher knifehand chops Triple H .****

TV: Wooooo!

Crow: Booooo!

Tom: Whoooo?

Seth: Whaaaat?

****Triple H neck snaps Lasher. Triple H brings Lasher down with a Mexican armdrag takedown.****

Crow: Ole!

TV: How'd that Mexican get in the ring?!

****Triple H tries for a double underhook suplex but Lasher avoids it. Triple H drags Lasher to the floor. Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) Lasher picks up Triple H and executes the cradle DDT. Lasher chants start.****

TV: Who the fuck are you! Who the fuck are you!

**** Lasher is back on his feet. Now Triple H standing. They head back into the ring. Lasher uses a belly-to-belly suplex.****

TV: After groping HHH's ass. Don't leave out important details like that JR.

****Triple H is down. Lasher chants start. Triple H is up again. Lasher puts Triple H in the torture rack.****

TV: Somebody go check to see what that noise was in Lex Luger's bedroom. Sounded like a gun shot and brains splattering.

Seth: I think I'd rather be on an actual torture rack than watch another WWFX event...

****Earl Hebner asks Triple H if he quits. ... ... ... (AHHHH!) Triple H escapes.
King - This is quality sports entertainment!****

TV: Only if you're writing it.

****[Lasher pulls Triple H 's hair. Lasher hits a jumping elbow thrust on Triple H . Lasher puts Triple H in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: GOD DAMN IT!!!!!! !!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No, wait !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not enough exclamation points to express my RAGE!!!!!!!

Crow: Hey dont hog the puncuation damn it now I feel like XXXtreme Machine

****Triple H gets knocked on the ground and Lasher flips onto him. Lasher is up again. Lasher jumps off the turnbuckle with the flying bodypress on Triple H . Lasher gets up. Triple H climbs to his feet. Triple H climbs to the top turnbuckle and executes a somersault legdrop on Lasher.****

TV: And Triple H's leg falls right off! Oh man, let the carnage begin! Those doctors can't repair for shit!

Seth: (50's radio Announcer) "Triple H: Man of Steel, Body Of Steroids"!

****Triple H is up again. Lasher gets hit with the shooting star press from Triple H.****

TV: And both men vomit from the impact! What a match!

****Referee Earl Hebner makes the count. ...1 ...2 Lasher kicks out. Triple H and Lasher go to the floor****

Crow: ....And begin searching for an exit.

****Earl Hebner starts the count (.1) (..2) Lasher catches Triple H leg****

TV: He's beating Triple H with his own leg! Wow!

****, but Triple H reverses it with an enzuigiri to Lasher's head. (...3) Triple H rolls onto Lasher connecting with a knee. Lasher gets back to his feet. (....4) Triple H gets taken down with an armdrag takedown. (.....5) They head back into the ring. Lasher executes a corkscrew legdrop on Triple H .****

TV: Insert 10,00 exclamation points on that move selection.

Seth: Sorry, you practically used up our monthly qouta, Trey...

**** Lasher get nailed with a double axhandle chop from Triple H . Lasher gets hit with the shooting star press from Triple H .****

TV: Again! Repetitive bastard!

*** Earl Hebner counts. ...1 Lasher kicks out.
King - Triple H should have known he wouldn't win the match with that.****

Tom: Funny, it was enough to finish the Rachel Hardy/Stacey Keibler match...

TV: Yeah, why don't you invite Kidman out so you can piss all over him King?

****[Lasher is up again. Triple H kicks Lasher in the groin.****

TV: Good things the 'roids have shrunk his package so much he can barely even feel that.

****Lasher gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Triple H . Triple H grabs Lasher and applies an arm wrench. Lasher is up again.****

Seth: Since when do you fall down after an arm wrench? FUCKING SIMULATORS!!

Crow: Hey, exclamation marks!

Seth: I got us three on credit...

****Lasher delivers a spine buster to Triple H . Lasher goes for a pin. The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 Triple H kicks out.****

TV: (King) - He should have known he wouldn't win with a fothermucking spinebuster. Fuck you Arn!

****Triple H is back on his feet. Lasher and Triple H go to the floor Earl Hebner starts the count (.1)****

Tom: (Earl) 1, 2, 10! It's over, last one in the bar's a pussy...

****Lasher hits Triple H with the crotch slam. Triple H gets hit with a diving elbow smash from Lasher. Lasher chants start. Now Lasher standing. Triple H and Lasher move back into the ring. Triple H sets Lasher up DDTs him into the mat. Now Lasher standing. Triple H jabs Lasher.****

Crow: ...with his favourite steroid needle...

****Triple H sucks chants start in the crowd. HHH just knocked the crap outta Lasher with the pedigree****

TV: Blood, vomit and crap is all over the ring. These men are giving it their all tonight!

****Triple H pins Lasher with a rolling cradle.****

Seth: Zeus Pro: Unneccesarily complex pinfalls now half-price...

****Earl Hebner counts the pin. ...1 ...2 ...3
'TIME TO PLAY THE GAME'
'Triple H's Music hits'
Ring Announcer: "Your Winner and Still WWFX Television Champion, Lasher!!"
'Triple H grabs his titles and lifts them high into the air before leaving the ring followed by Lasher!!"
JR - Lasher didn't get the Television Title out of respect for Lasher,****

Crow: What the crap is he talking about?

****and Triple H is still the double champion!
King - But for how long! ****

TV: 10,000 years!

Seth: Or two WWFX television shows, whichever finishes first...

****JR - Well folks you heard Vince say earlier tonight that we need JJ Crawford back.
King - Or we will go down to Norton and the nWo.****

TV: And we don't want no guys going down for another group of guys in the WWFX. This is a family entertainment company!

****JR - So JJ if you are watching. After hearing what Vince had to say. We want you to listen to what we have to say.****

TV: Is JJ the chosen one? He is the chosen one isn't he?

Seth: No, this is the REAL Double J. Unless it's the fake Crawford. Or something.

TV: Flowchart please.

****King - Yeah.
JR - We are begging and pleading for you to come back.****

TV: If you really want somebody to save your ass, why don't you try Jesus. I hear he used to kick ass back in the day. Jesus saves.

****King - The WWFX needs you JJ Crawford.****

TV: Maybe Jesus is JJ. There are J's there. Maybe one is for Jesus?

Tom: Or "Jerkweed"....

Crow: or "Jell-O"? (Pause) What? There's always room for Jell-O!

****JR - Well folks thank you for joining us tonight we'll be back
GLASS BREAKS!!!!!!!!!!! ****

TV: The shift key and the number 1 key get stuck simultaneously, right now!!!!!!!

Seth: Trey, those exclamation marks are coming out of your salary...

****JR - Is it?
King - could it be?
Hell Yeah by Snoop Dogg and W.C kicks in.****

TV: Let's bust some gangasta shit homez! I've got an ounce of weed. G's up, hos down, bounce your muthafucking heads to this. Beyotch! It's 187 on the undercover cop. Beyotch!

Seth: Eh? Let me run that through Babelfish, Trey...

****The fans explode with cheers when none other than JJ Crawford walks out onto the stage area. JJ is wearing a WWFX t-shirt that says on the back. Follow the lead of the King of highrisk.****

Seth: ...And join a shithouse wrestling federation run by a madman...

****Along with a pair of black jeans and black Nikes.****

Tom: Hey, he's part of that "Heavens Gate" ritual suicide cult...

****JR - King its JJ CRAWFORD!!!!!!!! ****

TV: Look! Snoop Dogg just fell in from the ceiling! I hope he's got some digital rap music to shill!

****King - Vince's prayers have been answered. ****

TV: Jesus wept.

Seth: Any more of this show and He won't be the only one...

****JJ makes his way down the ramp as he slaps highfives with the fans on his way down the ramp. A few minutes later JJ reaches the bottom of the ramp.****

TV: Slow bastard. Get that man a walker!

Seth: STOP PADDING IT!

****JJ looks around at the sold out crowd.****

Tom and Crow: YOU SOLD OUT! YOU SOLD OUT!

****Then slides into the ring under the bottom rope.
JR - JJ looks to be in great shape too King.
King - Your telling me JR he looks better then ever.****

TV: Good enough to take to your hotel room?

Seth: (Chef) And make sweet love to you all night long. Oh yeah.

****JJ climbs up the first corner. JJ raises both of his arms in the air as the fans cheer. JJ climbs down and walks over to the next corner. JJ climbs up it raising both of his arms in the air. As the fans yet again cheer but louder then before.****

Seth: If he does this for all four corners, I'm going to hurt someone. END ALREADY!

****JJ climbs down and walks over to the third corner. JJ climbs up it and raises both of his arms high into the air with the fans roaring with approval. JJ climbs down and makes his way over to the fourth and final corner.****

Seth: AHHHH! (Flings remote at the TV with extreme force)

****JJ climbs up it raising both of his arms high into the air as the fans explode with cheers.****

TV: Oh the humanity! So many dead. Blood and guts are flying everywhere. They got so excited they exploded! They should stop the show. But Vince is running the show. (Vince) Screw the dead, my show must go on! Where's Owen's grave? My bladder's full.

****JJ climbs down as he grabs the mic from the ring announcer as he leaves the ring.****

Crow: Why is JJ leaving the ring? He just got there!

****JJ's music cuts off as he walks around the ring.
JR - I wonder what is going through his mind.****

TV: (JJs thoughts) Must not come out of closet just yet.

Tom: (" " ) I hate my life...

Crow:(" " ) Did I leave the iron on?

Seth: (" " ) Why is everyone looking at me? Stop looking at me! I HAVE A GUN!

****King - I know after everything that has happened. What is he got to be thinking.
JJ: "Let's see here where should I start.****

TV: The beginning?

****Oh I know maybe at the beginning.****

TV: BOOOO! You're so predicatable!

Seth: Ouch, riff-back...

****Well Norton I got to hand it to ya. You do know how to piss someone off.****

Tom: (JJ) Bananas' in the tail-pipe of my Caddy, huh? Bastard!

****You know that Norton. I mean first cheap shooting me****

Seth: He SHOT him? That's extreme, even for a meglomaniac like Norton...

****with the world title belt then attacking my younger brother Pat.****

TV: Pat McCrotch.

**** And finally having that sorry son of a bitch you have hired to be me fight you at Wrestlemania. I mean you really did show the world something. You should the world you are FUCKING SCARED OF ME!!!!!!!!
The fans cheer.****

TV: Trey Vincent groans at all this fucking mindless swearing.

Seth: Fuckin' A...

Crow: He should the world.

Tom: But would he should the world?

Crow: Well, he could of should the world...

****JR - Your damn right he did.
JJ: "You know there is only so much one man can take and Norton I stands enough and I can't stands no more!"****

TV: A man can only belt out so many cliches in 30 seconds.

Crow: (Popeye) I can'ts stands it... but I yam what I yam...

Tom: (Sings) I's still standin'... um.. something something something... doo doo doo... rocket man?

****The fans cheer.
JJ: "Norton you and the nWo crossed the line. When you mocked me at Wrestlemania.****

Seth: But, JJ, you suck, and therefore DESERVE to be mocked...

***And now you will pay but you won't pay now.****

Crow: It's a mock now/pay later special!

****I already got a time slot set for you. It's in May at Judgment Day. But that's not until May.****

TV: Wow! They actually have two months of planned out angles here? That's insane! You'd think with all that planning they'd actually put on a decent show.

Seth: (Announcer) Order Judgement Day In May. This May! Don't plan to watch it in April, beacuse it's not on until May. May I? You may? Maybe, maybe not! Ellie-May, get out of the concrete pond! May-flies! May-flies! Neep!

Tom: Okay, Seth has snapped....

****JR - JJ and Norton at Judgment Day wow.
King - JJ will get even with the nWo and Norton that night.****

TV: (JJ) But until then, I'm gonna let you bitch slap everyone around, myself included.

****JJ: "But until then this is what I am going to do........."

Crow: (JJ) ...Flop out my dickey and dance the macarena!

***'Lovefurypassionenergy****

Tom: Lovesfurrypussy? Oh, sorry, Freudian Reading...

****hit's by Boy Hit's Car'
'Lita's New Entrance Theme hits'
JR - Oh boy here comes Lita she has been on the war path all night.****

TV: (Lita) I'm pregnant and stuff.

****Lita makes her way down the ramp. She slides into the ring under the bottom rope. Her music cuts off as she grabs the mic from her husband. ****

Seth: (Lita) Go cook me some eggs, bitch!

****Lita: "Now what I want to know is where were you? I mean I called your mom, my mom, the house.****

TV: She called her own house but she couldn't figure out why the line was always busy.

Seth: Maybe she meant the White House. Or The All-Night House of Waffles. Or Animal House. It makes as much sense as the rest of this schemozzle...

****All over the United Kingdom and Ireland I also checked and you weren't there.****

Crow: She called everyone in the UK? Hate to have her phonebill...

****So you got some explaining to do JJ."****

TV: (Desi Arnez) But, Lucy!.....

****JJ snatches the mic out of Lita's hand.
JJ: "Who in deeeeeeee blue fucking hell do you think you are?" ****
JR - Oh no.****

Seth: (JR) We are so going to get sued for this....

****Lita gets her own mic.
Lita: "I'm your........"
JJ: "I DON'T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

TV: It's Andrew Rock Clay bitch!

****King: "Damn" ****

Crow: (King) I just realised we forgot to make comments about "puppies" when Lita walked out here.

****Lita: "You better!! I am your wife JJ." ****

TV: (Lita) How can you treat me and your twins this way!

****JJ: "Yeah I know your my wife. But you do not and the King of highrisk means you do not talk to him like that ever again."****

Seth: As opposed to "You do not" meaning "I can't make up a catchphrase, so I'll steal one..."

****Lita: "I'm sorry but I was worried JJ. I haven't heard from you in weeks and I thought maybe something happened."

TV: (JJ) Bitches and hos everywhere. Gotta get up in 'em whenever I can.

****JJ: "Yeah well as you can see I am fine. Now if you don't mind I have business to take care of. So walk your tight little ass back up that ramp. And I'll take care of you after the show. Because right now I have more important things to do."
Lita leaves the ring!****

TV: That's a good girl. She knows her role and opens her hole.

****Just then Cocky by Kid Rock kicks in.
JR - What does Shane want? ****

TV: A piece of Lita's ass?

Seth: A way out of his WWFX contract?

****King - Yeah he has no business out here.****

TV: What about the fax machine and the desk in the ring? Huh King? Explain that!

****Shane walks down to the ring. Shane climbs into the ring with a mic in his hand as his music cuts off.
Shane: "I hate to break up your little returning act.****

Tom: (Shane) But I have to, you're boring the shit out of our few remaining fans...

****But what do you think your doing here JJ? I mean my father hired me back to take care of Norton and the nWo. So your no longer need nor wanted here."
JJ: "Who in deeeeee blue fucking hell are you?"****

Seth: Didn't we already do this bit?

****Shane: "I'm Shane Mc............."
JJ: "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!" ****

TV: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I'm so stealing that.

Seth: Subtle, well-written humour. That's what I like.

Tom: So why are you watching this crap?

Seth: I'll never know, Tom...

****The fans cheer.
JJ: "I'll tell you who you are. Your a snot nose spoiled brat. Who if he doesn't get his ass out of my ring is five seconds away and the King of Highrisk means five seconds away from the King of highrisk whipping your ass."****

TV: (JJ) And if you don't, I'm gonna rip off more of The Rock's catchphrases and open a can of whoop ass if you smell what my bottom line is cooking!

Seth: (JJ) Sucka.

****Before Shane could say anything.****

Tom: He threw himself through a plateglass window and jumped off a lighting gantry.

Crow: And the fans STILL called him a pussy...

****No Chance In Hell kicks****

Seth: (Wigger) Yeah, dis be some kickin' shit, bro! Word!

****Vince Mcmahon makes his way down to the ring with a smile on his face. Vince climbs in the ring and grabs the mic from Shane as his music cuts off.
Vince: "My prayers have been answered. The saviour of the WWFX has finally returned." ****

TV: Vince has never read the Bible. Boy is he in for a surprise when he dies. Hey that rhymed.

****Shane grabs the mic from Vince.
Shane: "What the hell? I am the saviour of the WWFX not this guy."****

Seth: Spot the set-up for Shane vs JJ: The Battle To Be Jesus!

****Vince takes the mic back.
Vince: "Shane you failed. This guy as you called him hasn't failed me yet and he never will."
Shane: "Why you two timing son of a bitch. Come on Dad, you and me right here and right now."****

TV: (Shane) Why have you forsaken me pops?

****JJ drops his mic and stands behind Shane Mcmahon.
Vince: "No Shane I am not gonna dirty my hands with you but if a fight is what you want. Then a fight is what your gonna get."****

TV: In August, live at SummerSlam.

Seth: That's August 2004, of course...

****Shane looks confused as Vince tells him to turn around.................CRAWFORD BOTTOM!!!!!!!!!!!****

Crow: I did NOT need to see Crawfords' bottom...

TV: Oh, I hope we get the Crawford elbow! That's such a cool and original move!

****JR - My god a Crawford Bottom on Shane McMahon.
Vince looks down at Shane.
Vince: "Your the one who is no longer needed nor wanted here anymore Shane. So get the hell out of my company!"****

Seth: (Vince) See you at Thanksgiving? And call your mother sometime!

****JJ picks his mic back up off of the mat.
JJ: "Now like I was saying. Norton I will deal with you at Judgment Day. But until then I will do the one thing nobody has ever done in WWFX. And that is*****

TV: Entertain somebody.

**** I am gonna become the first ever grand slam winner. Which means one by one I will win every title here. That excludes the Internet Title and the HaRdCore Title,****

TV: Uh, knucklehead? If you don't win every title, how the hell can you consider yourself every champion in the company? And what about the tag titles dumbass?

Seth: It's an iron-clad guarentee, with paper-thin cop-out clauses!

****But Norton I will hold every other major singles title in a period of two months.****

Crow: The bookers are going to love this guy! Better buy some new kneepads, JJ...

tom: (JJ) I love you long time. You want sucky-sucky?

****The Tag Titles I don't need as I've held them before with my rotten bitch of a brother Dustin. But Norton one I have held all of the other major titles her in the WWFX. I'll be walking into Judgment Day, in 2 months time. And I'll lay the smackdown, kick your ass, pin your ass 1.. 2.. 3.. and become WWFX World Champion and the first ever WWFX Grandslam Winner!!!****

TV: If ya smell what the Crawford is cooking.

****The fans cheer.
JJ: "Now I know you haven't done this in a while. So I hope you still know how to do it. NOW IF YOUR NOT DOWN WITH THAT I'VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YA!!!!!!!!!!!
Fans: "SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" ****

TV: Break it down! DEGENERATION X!!!!!!!

Seth: (TV Newscaster) Pro wrestler JJ Crawford was arrested today, and charged with 43 counts of catchphrase violation. He was sentenced to be hung, or kiss Rikishis ass. He's reported to be "thinking it over".

****'GLASS BREAKS'****

TV: Who threw the remote control out the window!

Seth: Hey, I was aiming at the screen, okay!

****'JJ Crawford's Music hits'
JR - THE KING OF HIGHRISK IS BACK KING and he wants to become the first ever WWFX Grandslam Winner. And JJ gets a rematch for the World Title against Norton at Judgment Day!!
King - This is unbelievable!!****

Seth: Not to mention, Unwatchable...

TV: Yeah. And who plans a match two pay-per-views ahead of time? What if he gets hurt? You're so screwed.

****JR - I know King, and we'll be returning at Eruption, Wednesday 27th March. As there is not going to be a Revolution this Saturday,***

TV: Or any viewers next week.

***Goodnight folks!!****

Crow: And get bent...

**Eruption goes off the air with JJ Crawford standing in the ring at the Wembley Arena, in London, England**

TV: And everyone goes to their toilets to puke. As for me? I've got a whore coming here, so you three best clear out. I gotta go piss. Do your outro and be gone.

[Seth and the bots return to the Satellite of Loves' bridge.]

Crow: So, is that Trey guy gonna turn up everytime you bring us a lame wrestling event to watch?

Seth: Very possibly.

Tom: Fine by us. Now, back to "The Two Musketeers and the One Mousketeer"!

[We fade out as a three-way duel breaks out.]

[***©2002. The preceding was brought to you by the iAd. Because when you've got iAd, it's way too LOOOOOOOONG!***]

 

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