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iAd vs. EHW (with Short Subjects) (MST3K 1.4)

I got your funny right here!

Disclaimer: The iAd have nothing to do with the WWF, wCw, EHW or anyone else in this MST. The iAd is a collaboration between myself (Skeeter) and Trey (Da Web Guy), so if you have issues with the MST, you can bite both of us. If unsatisfied with MST, return unused portion for a full refund.


[The Satellite of Love, yesterday. Seth, Tom and Crow are reclining on deckchairs, sipping drinks out of coconut shells. Crow wears a gigantic sombrero.]

Crow: Say, Seth, this "Make-Believe-We're-In-The-Carribean" Vacation you treated us to is great!

Seth: My pleasure...

Tom: Yeah, it's real nice... too nice... you're planning something, aren't you?

[Seth holds up a videotape casually.]

Tom and Crow: D'OH!

Seth: Suckers... We got WRESTLING SIGN!

[The following dialogue is heard over the doors sequence.]

Crow: So where's Trey? He not coming today?

Seth: He said he'd meet us... I think he has some important iAd business to attend to...

[Inside the theatre, One shillouette is already present. It's Trey. A movie is playing, but Trey head is blocking a vital part of it, Austin Powers-style. We can hear some dialogue, though...]

Female Robot: Yeah, baby, yeah! You really know how to push my buttons!

TV: Oh, hi guys... uhh.. you're earlier than I expected!

Crow: TREY! That's disgusting! Bot porn? I can't believe you're watching this!

Seth: I can't believe someone actually made Bot porn!

Tom: I can't believe Trey went through my room and found it!

[Uncomfortable silence as the film flickers to a halt.]

Tom: WHAT?

[Everyone takes their seats and the lights dim.]

Crow: Okay, Seth... bring it on! We can handle anything today!

Seth: Even my Short Subjects?

Tom: Of course!

Seth: Good! Comabot... roll the Garbled Pre-Match Interviews!

[Slight pause]

Crow: You sick, twisted freak...

Seth: I love my work...

****stacy shut the hell up****

Tom: Is that the title of the interview, or a newsflash?

Crow: (Newscaster) Today, Stacey Keibler shut the hell up for nearly fifteen minutes! Film at 11!

****bradshaw is seen walkin to the stage****

Seth: (Sings) I've got them walkin' blues... the kinda blues you never lose...

Crow: ...Or capitalize correctly...

****his music sounds****

Tom: ...Like a bootleg MP3 some stole using Napster...

TV: Ah, they finally figured out how to work the dreaded play button.

****and he gets in the ring and says...****

Seth: (Bradshaw) Anyone know what happened to my pants? I hung them out on the CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL... and now they're gone!

****bradshaw- stacy i am so tyred of you****

Tom: Bradshaw IS the Michelin Man IN "Shut the hell up, Stacey!"

****talking about how smaal you boovs are****

Crow: Hey, they're dubbing him into Norwegian! How nice...

TV: Gotta agree there, she does have small boovs.

****and how you are so hot.****

All: (Singing ) Because she's hot, hot, hot!

Tom: Shake it, Stacey!

****i want you to get any one and make them challenge me and hhh to a tag mach****

Seth: "Make them challenge me?" Does she have to use physical force to make them do that, or will she simply kidnap a member of their family...

TV: (Bradshaw) Since I'm such a fraidy cat I can't challenge anybody by myself.

Crow: (Stacy) But if I'm supposed to shut the hell up, how can I go make somebody challenge you?

TV: (Bradshaw) damn it stacy, shut the hell up!

****bradshaw leaves and goes back to his office****

TV: (Bradshaw) Damnit, where are my messages? Would it kill somebody to get me some coffee? Did McMahon sign that contract yet? And where are my pants!

Crow: I like that interview. Short, though stupid...

Seth: Then you'll LOVE this one... Comabot, roll the AWF footage!

Comabot: Poinkle!

****(facing hell hits and death walks down to the ring, mic in hand)****

Seth: Prepare youselves... when this guy starts to talk, we will ALL be facing hell...

****death-"hey you bunch of punks!****

Crow: (Clint Eastwood) Do you feel lucky? Well, do ya?

TV: (Singing) I am an antichrist. I am an anarchist. Don't know what I want but I know how to get it...

****who here thinks they can take the great death???****

Tom: Anybody with a bare minimum of ability and half a brain...

Crow: There goes Bradshaw...

TV: And Stacy. Who still hasn't said a word. She's trying to learn sign language as we speak.

****i am issueing an open challenge to anyone who thinks they can take on EWL tag champ****

Seth: Yes, he held the title by himself, because no-one else could stand tagging with him...

TV: But who will he make the hot tag to every match? (Snaps fingers.) I love hot tags.

****and UFO world champ DEATH HIMSELF!****

Tom: UFO?

Crow: Unitelligible Freak, Okay?

****if you think you can....GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND PREPARE TO BE BURNED****

Seth: (Sings) 'Cause I'm the firestarter... come play my game, I'll test ya!

TV: (Death) I mean it too. I've got a lighter and stuff. Bend over and I'll burn your ass hairs.

****CUZ YOUR FACING HELL!" (death awaits a challenger)*****

Crow: (Newscaster) Three days later, Death Himself was found still in the ring, severely dehydrated...

Seth: Keep 'em coming, Comabot... Roll Krayze's spot...

****(krauyze comes out onto the ramp with a sledghammer in his hand****

Tom: Ahh, you have to love a wrestler who can't even spell his own name correctly. That shows a rare dedication to his sport...

****and signals to the crowd.)****

[Seth flips Krayze the bird] Seth: Signal THIS, pal...

TV: (Waving orange flags) Prepare to suck HERE in 3, 2, 1...

****[krayze]hey you freak show 9i am****

Tom: (ESPN Commentator) It appears Krayze has selected a nine iron for this tricky par three...

****the former champion of ewf,iwf xwf and scw****

Seth: Which is a sad indictment of how bad THOSE federations must have been!

Crow: SCW? With this guys linguistics skill, that must stand for "Special Class Wrestling"

Tom: Yep, he was riding the short bus, all right...

TV: Yur.

****so i am the extreme****

Tom: (Krayze) ...Ly difficult to understand... because I'm Karuyze. I mean, Krazey... umm.. Whatever....

****so if you can bring your fat fukin carcass down to the ring next week****

Seth: Hey a potty mouth AND a marble mouth...

Crow: (Ring Announcer) Introducing... from Fukin-awa, Japan... Kauerazy!

TV: Shut ur fukin mouths. Its not e z 2 speek good. C?

****and me and you will fight for the world title ass hole.****

Crow: The World Title Asshole? Not much of a prize...

Tom: So they're fighting to determine who IS the worlds biggest asshole?

Seth: (Howard Finkel) Here is your winner... and biggest asshole in the worrrlllddd! KRAYZE!

TV: The winner gets to face the man with the world's biggest dingaling. Rumor has it he's from Harlem and has done some time in jail..

****(krayze tells hikm to piss off and walks back into the back room)****

Crow: Tells who? He was alone in the ring! I know he was! Seth, an explanation would be nice!

Seth: Okay. Krayze is a moron. Clear?

Crow: Crystal...

Tom: Okay, Seth... what's next on the agenda?

Seth: It's the Thunder television show from the "New WCW".

Crow: What, they think anyone actually MISSES the "old WCW"?

****wCw Television Championship Match****

Tom: Rewind, Comabot... we missed the opening titles!

Seth: No... this federation is actually too cheap to HAVE any openings...

Tom: Cheap and crappy... It IS the old wCW...

****The Rock Defeats Edge Via Pinfall To Be Come The wCw Television Champion****

Crow: Man, they really killed the suspense, didn't they?

Seth: The New wCW: We Piss On Kayfabe!

Tom: I noticed the New wCw seems to have hired WWF wrestlers... is Bischoff back in charge?

TV: No, but I suspect with the length of the match, Vince Russo might have found himself a new gig.

****Edges music hits and he walks out.****

Seth: ...Looks at the one-fifth full arena, changes his mind and walks back to the locker room...

TV: Looks for some rope to hang himself, but is unsuccessful.

****He slides in the ring.****

Crow: Edge slides... he's safe at first!

****He walks around. He gets a mic.****

Seth: He wishes the booker wouldn't write such boring intros...

****Edge: Rock you pansy.****

Crow: Rock me, Amadaus!

****Come out here now. Or are you scared.****

Tom: Oscar Wilde LIVES! Encore! Encore!

****Rocks music hits and he walks out_.****

Crow: Accidently slipping on a carelessly-discarded underscore...

****He stares at *Edge****

Tom: "*Edge"? Is he trying to load a Commodore 64 program?

Crow: No, that would be Load *Edge,8,1...

Seth: Well, wine 'em, dine 'em and star69 'em, I always say...

TV: I thought you whined to them while you dined them and hoped for a little pity piece.

Seth: Ouch!

****and runs down to the ring.****

Crow: What? No "Finally"? No "Jabroni"? I want my money back!

****Rock slides in and Edge starts stomping on him.****

Seth: Stompy, stompy, stompy. Yur.

****Then Edge picks him up.****

TV: (Edge) If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me. eh?

****He gives him a DDT.****

Crow: (Rock) Thanks, but I've already got one...

****Then Edge picks him up.****

Tom: (Edge) Why do I have to keep picking your lazy ass up, eh? Work with me here!

****He throws a punch. Rock blocks and punches him back.****

Crow: Rock Blocks? I assume that's what Pebbles and Bam-Bam played with...

****Then he swings him on the ropes.****

Seth: (Edge) Push me higher, Rock! Higher! Wheeee! Eh?

****Then Rock delivers a spine buster.****

Tom: (Rock) Sign here...

Seth: (Edge) E, D, G, E... there you go, eh?

Tom: (Rock) Thank you... WHAM!

****Rock starts to stomp.****

TV: Temper tantrum alert.

Seth: (Sings) Oh, the kids in Bristol, are sharp as a pistol, when they do the Bristol Stomp!

Crow: You're showing your age, Seth...

Seth: Hey, I read it in a Stephen King novel, okay?

****After he stops he gives Edge the sharp shooter.****

Seth: ...Which Edge uses to blade with...

****Edge grabs the rope. Rock stops. Edge gets up. Rock swings a punch.****

Crow: Crow get bored. Crow leaves theatre. Crow gets snack.

Tom: Who booked this, Tonto?

TV: Somewhere, a tear runs down an Indian bookers face.

****Edge ducks and runs off the turnbuckle and clothslines Rock.****

Seth: Edge defies gravity... what a showman!

Tom: (Bill Murray) Nimble little minx, ain't she?

****He pins. *1...2...* A kick out by Rock.****

Crow: Three, four, can't watch any more!

TV: Five, six, this show makes me sick.

****Rock gets up. Edge trys a punch and Rock blocks****

Crow: Ooh, punched him right in the RockBlocks! That's gotta hoit!

****and delivers a DDT.****

Tom: They're just kind of trading moves now...

****Rock trys to pin. 1-2-. Edge kicks out.****

Seth: Whoa, fastest count I've seen in days!

****Rock grabs Edge and gives him a suplex. Rock picks up Edge and gets ready for the Rock bottom. Edge shoulders Rock****

Crow: (Edge) Keep your bottom away from me, eh?

****Edge throws a swing and Rock blocks again.****

Seth: I got hit in the face with a swing when I was nine. Never went back to that playground again...

TV: I didn't know this had turned into a playground death match. Where's the dodge ball? Please use a dodge ball in this match.

****Rock delivers The Rock bottom.****

Tom: New wCW Thunder is presented by Dominos Pizza: We Deliver!

****Rock then throws away an Elbow Pad****

Seth: (Rock) Stupid thing never fitted me properly in the first place. Away with you, elbow pad!

****and does The People's Elbow. Rock pins. 1...2...3!!!The Rock gets a mic.****

Tom: (Rock) Sorry the match sucked. Buy my T-shirts! Jabronies.

****Here Is Your Winner And The New wCw Television Champion...The Rock!!!****

Crow: He announced his own victory? Guess they didn't bother to re-hire Penzer...

TV: Well, the pay is so bad here, he had to do a little extra.

[The screen goes black. Long pause.]

Crow: Was that it?

TV: God answered my prayer?

Seth: Yep. As far as I can tell, the New wCw has only two active wrestlers on its roster.

Tom: I can't WAIT for the first wCw battle royal....

Seth: Okay, guys... steel youselves... It's MAIN FEATURE time!

Tom: (Heavy Sarcasm) Oh, joy!

TV: Last time, it was a marathon of boredom. Tonight, the boredom is condensed, but it's a different style. It's......Misspeaks 2002! Brought to you by EHW. EHW: What the hell is a capital letter?

Crow: And EHW stands for?

Seth: Extream Hardcore Wrestling

Tom: Is this even going to be a challenge?

****A look back from smackdown plays as we see vince mcmahon the owner of EHW give the rock and hogan the tag titles... the raw fireworks go off...****

TV: That has to be the fastest open of all time. Vince just handed them those titles and boom, fireworks. No theme song, no clips, we just show two seconds of old footage and get to the new action. Well, let's see what the announcers have in store for us tonight.

****JR: Welcome to EHW raw!****

Seth: (JR) The fastest wrestling show on TV. Thanks for watching, goodnight!

****right away the rocks music hits...****

Crow: What is this, wrestling for amphetamine addicts?

TV: So, a little rock, one like you'd find on the ground, is sports entertaining? Rocks don't have any moves. But they're good for throwing at people.

Seth: I can think of a few people I'd like to test that out on... the writer of this card, for instance...

****The King: wow that was fast****

TV: Yeah, never seen so many fans stop reading so quick.

****The rock has a mic in his hand as he says Finaly the rock as come back to south carolina!!!****

Tom: He "as" come back? Is this the Rock, or Lash Leroux?

Seth: Yep, it's some cajun-styled crap, all right...

TV: If I was from Minnesota, I wouldn't care about this guy. Wait a second....I don't care about this guy!

****now hogan at backlash triple cage match probley going to be the greatiest match of all time****

TV: Seth, you are probley the greatiest sports entertainer besides myself.

Seth: Well, you're the fightiest, talkiest sports entertainer, Trey... .

****but on smackdown as we were both out vince made us the tag champions...****

Tom: (Rock) ...Because we kissed so much ass we should have owned shares in a Chapstick factory!

TV: What were they both out of? Sentences? Coherance? Intelligence?

****well hogan i dont like it eather but i feel sometime before backlash vince is going to put us in a match...****

TV: Who is the 'her' he wants to 'eat'?

Crow: Is this something to do with that "Star69 her" riff, seth?

Seth: Probley...

****Hogans Music hits...****

TV: And millions turn the channel. The drop in the Nielson ratings can be felt on the Richter scale when he comes on TV.

Seth: Hey, maybe they'll play the Hogan Megamix... "Who Wants To Be An Eye of the Real American Voodoo Chile?"

****well rock i aggeree we must work as a team****

Seth: I think I vacationed in Aggeree... it's in the South Pacific...

****(fans go nuts)****

TV: Trey Vincent scratches his.

****JR: hogan aggrees with the rock that they will be a team if needed!!!****

TV: God, its a good thing they're TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS then!!!! How's the exclamation point bill looking Seth?

Seth: She's cool, I'm ordered in bulk after that WWFX fiasco...

****but at backlash rock i will kick your ass all over St.Louis!!!****

Tom: Then I'll kick Louis's ass over Santo Domingo.

****Rock: well waht ever you say hogan****

Crow: (Rock) ...Will be difficult to understand, due to your weak grasp of grammar...

****but prepare to get the beating of a life time at backlash if ya smell what the rock is cooking hogan look at rock as they both leave...****

Seth: Both the Rocks left? Man, this is getting slightly surreal early...

****JR: do you really think they can be a team if they in a tag match?

The King: NO!****

TV: Calm down King. It's only a piss poor TV show. Man, he's just about ready to snap I think. Must be from doing color on almost every frigging efed out there.

****(Commicheal Brake)****

TV: Is Commicheal Brake a wrestler?

[Seth is laughing too hard at the phrase "Commicheal Brake" to respond...]

****welcome back lets get to are frist match!****

TV: If you isnist!

Crow: (Mr Thicky) This are our frist match. We be smarties every day. Smell what we cooking? Duh.

****Chyna comes down to the ring with a cocky look to her****

TV: Yeah, look at the bulge in her shorts. I knew it!

****almost like she thinks that the match is in the bag, followed by Torrie ****

TV: (JR) Speaking of bags....here's Torrie.

Seth: (King) Funbags! Silicon-enhanced funbags! (Girly scream)

****Chyna starts the match by throwing Torrie across the ring. Chyna pretty much manhandels, or "womanhandels" Torrie,****

Tom: Attempts at humor by the intellectually-inept can be brutal...

TV: I'd like to handle Torrie.

Crow: Manhandel? Was he a composer?

****and slams her a few times.****

Seth: This federation makes me want to slam my head into a wall a few times...

****Whip into the corner by Chyna, handspring elbow to Torrie's face. Chyna is celebrating.*****

TV: (Chyna) Look! I did a move without my chest exploding!

****Chyna lifts Torrie over her head, and Torrie some how manages to go back, out of the air onto her feet! Torrie hits a solid kick to the mid section torrie goes for the torrie bome****

TV: I don't know what that is, but I'd like to bone Torrie.

Seth: Torrie and Chyna... so far, only one of these woman has done a Playboy spread... and it was CHYNA!

Crow: Man, we're living in the wrong alternate universe!

****but chyna reverses it and DDTs torrie! 1 2 3****

Crow: She DDT'ed her 123 times? That's mildly excessive...

****LG: your winner and new womens champion Chyna!

The King: new womens champ!****

TV: (JR) Who is she blowing? I mean, you never know what youre gona se on raw hear!

****(Commicheal Brake)****

Seth: Man, Commicheal Brake is getting plenty of TV time...

TV: Who is this guy?

****(Clips from Smackdown are shown as Rhyno makes his way down to the ring)****

TV: But you fans aren't worth telling which ones they are.

****Phoinex makes his debut, and fans seem to love him already, the fans also like rhyno that comes down to the ring with his hardcore title ****

Tom: That introduction was so confusing, no-one in the universe can tell who's the Hardcore Champion... not even the Hardcore Champ himself!

TV: Why won't any fed show Rhyno the....

All: DOOR! DOOR! DOOR!

****Phoinex****

TV: You know how the Phoenix means something like rising from the ashes. Does Phoinex mean falling headfirst into a pile of cow manure?

****opens up with a kick to the face of Rhyno,no effect,****

TV: Anyone surprised?

Seth: Oh yeah, he's a man-beast all right. *Yawn*

****a swift kick to the mid section, with no effect either,****

Crow: Rhyno is elevating no-selling to it's purest form...

TV: I'm thirsty? Could someone get me a Coors, Coors, Coors?

****then a gut wrench puts Rhyno down, cover, 1 kick out.****

Tom: (The Count) One kickout! Ah-ha-ha-haaa!

****Phoinex goes out to get a chair, Rhyno follows him, grabs him, and hits a german suplex on the outside.****

TV: And now Rhyno's saluting! Oh my God! He's a Nazi! Lock the ovens!

****Rhyno then picks up the chair, and bashes Phoinex over the head with it twice, but even though the thuds are sickining,****

Crow: The bells! The bell! Sick-a-nin-a-ning-a-nig!

****the challenger won't go down,****

Seth: (Rhyno) Blow me, you bitch!

****finally Rhyno throws the chair to Phoinex, and hits a gore through the chair!****

TV: Both men are going through a no selling

All: War! War! War!

**** 1,2 kick out! The first ever kick out of the Gore!****

TV: (Phoinex) We faces can no-sell too!

Seth: I wish Kerry Von Erich was still alive... he'd give Rhyno the Iron...

All: Claw! Claw! Claw!

**** Rhyno is in shock,****

Crow: Then someone should keep him warm and elevate his feet...

****but he trys again, 2 count again! Rhyno, now extremely mad, picks up Phoinex and DDT's him on the floor!****

All: Floor! Floor! Floor!

****2 count!****

TV: The lesser known of bad sports entertainment boy bands.

****Rhyno looks like he is about to burst,****

Seth: And I'd pay good money to see him do just that!

****as he throws Phoinex into the ring. Rhyno, unusal for him, clims the ropes,****

TV: That's pretty unusual for anyone...

****and attempts to hit a frog splash, but Phoinex moves out of the way. Phoinex with kicks to the head of Rhyno, then goes back outside for the chair. Phoniex cracs the chair over the head of the champion,****

Seth: (Irish cop) Ahh, begorra laddie, let's head doon the pub for a jar and some good craic! Yes, "craic", not "crac" ya feckin' eedjit!

****and busts him wide open, but the blast only knocks him to his knees. Phoinex with a devestating kick to the face of Rhyno, knocks him down. Phoinex motions for something,****

Tom: (Phoinex) Could I get a double latte and a walnut biscotti, Manuel?

****then lifts up the champion. Phoinex the kicks Rhyno in the groin,****

Seth: I'll never tire of seeing Rhyno get kicked in the pachingas...

****and the sets him up for some move that EHW fans have never seen before, the Wrath of Phoinex!****

TV: EHW fans? Little presumtuous there. I doubt most EHW fans haven't even seen a clothesline before.

Crow: (Phoenix) Ha, ha! Feel my self-regenerating wrath, mortal!

****After the Wrath is delivered, Phoinex is about to go for the cover, but Jerry Lynn comes running out to the ring!****

TV: Who? RVD's bitch? Oh my God, what's that in his hand? He wasn't joking about Jerry Lynn coming while running to the ring.

****he trys to cheap shot Phoinex from behind but Phoinex ducks and does the Wrath to Lynn!!!****

Seth: Jerry Lynn... even in the virtual world of e-feds, he's still a Jobber To The Stars...

****and then covers rhyno for the 1 2 3 your winner and new hardcore champion Phoinex! but wait from behind its rvd****

TV: (JR) Anal rape! Anal rape! Anal rape!

****rvd super kicks Phoinex down and goes to the top rope and 5 star frog splashes him he covers him 1 2 3 your winner and new hardcore champion again RVD!****

Crow: Thud!

Seth: Wazzat?

Crow: The sound of the disembodied narrator passing out...

Seth: Yep... cheapass feds always skimp on the puncuation...

****RVD then runs to the back with his hardcore title... as the other 3 men are out... JR: what a match The King: that sneek rvd ruined the debut for Phoinex****

Tom: (JR) Fortunatley, only eight people watch this show, so it's no biggie for Phoinex...

****(Commicheal Brake) All men get in ring, and stare each other down.****

TV: Whoa. I think I just went thru a worm hole. Did I miss a bunch of great introductions of ehw #coughcough#ta#coughcough#le#cough#nt#cough#? Man, that's tough to say without choking on your own words.

Seth: Well, maybe they'll be a good wrestler or two in this match...

****Nash, then starts throwing punches****

Seth: On the other hand... perhaps I was being overly optomistic

****at both men, who start to fight back.****

TV: We have a break, or brake, in the case. There are three men in the match. Two of them are fighting this Nash fellow. So we have missed, three introductions.

Tom: If it makes the card shorter, GOOD!

****Nash goes backwards, and Austin breaks the short term team with Jericho by DDT'ing him.****

Crow: (Y2J) Ow, I fell on my keys!

****Nash is back in the action, and helps Austin throw Y2J into the ropes, but before he comes back, Nash deilvers a backbreaker to Austin, ans Y2J, lands a elbow to Nash's face, which has little effect.****

TV: Well, at least his fed gets something right. Nash no-selling. When are we having the No-Sellathon? Nash vs. Rhyno, Undertaker vs. Hogan....who else could we book for that?

Seth: Kane? The Big Show? Kronik? Heck, we could have a No-Sell Battle Royal with that lot!

Crow: It'd never end, of course, because no-one would agree to being the first one eliminated...

****Y2J, and Austin team up again to double DDT Nash. Austin then quickly goes for the pin, but it is broken up by Y2J, Austin then kicks Y2J, and delivers a sidewalk slam.****

TV: (Y2J) I ordered a suplex damnit! No tip for you!

****Austin turnsa around and see's Nash****

Tom: He see is Nash, huh? can I add, thi's fed's card's s'uck!

****getting up and hits a stunner, but before Austin can get the 3, Jericho breaks it up. Nash rolls to outside, and appears to be out.****

TV: But being the master of illusions, he's really IN. Seth: And being the master of self-delusion, probably thinks he's still OVER.

****Jericho with a powerbomb, then climbs the rope.****

Tom: Because they sold the other two to buy the writer a dictionary...

****As Austin gets up, Jericho lands a perfect missle drop kick, sending Austin down. Jericho goes for the lionsault, but Austin moves out of the way. Austin then puts Jericho in a sleeper.*****

TV: Oh no. Rest hold alert!

Seth: A sleeper seems appropriate... this entire match is a genuine cure for insomnia.

****Jericho begins to fight back by throwing elbows into the mid section of Austin****

TV: He's got a box full of elbows! My God, this is sick. He must be a serial killer with an elbow fetish.

Crow: (Y2J) Hey, this isn't an elbow? Whos' foot is this?

Seth: (Edge) Hey, that's mine, eh? Awesome!

****and then gets free.****

Tom: FREEEE-DOM!

****Austin then kicks Jericho, and attempts to hit a Stunner, but Jericho pushes him out of the way. Jericho then hits a relasse german suplex.****

TV: (German) Just relasse and go in ze oven!

****Jericho quickly lifts Austin, and hits a triple powerbomb. 1,2,****

Seth: ...Skip a few, 99, 100! Coming, ready or not! Olly olly, oxen free!

****kickout by Austin. Nash is starting to move on the outside, while Jericho lifts Austin and delivers a bulldog.****

TV: (Austin) Aw, you shouldn't have. He's so cute.

Crow: (Austin) I'm gonna call him "Sparky"!

****Y2J then runs to the rops, this time nailing the Lionsault. Jericho, instead of going for the pin, locks he Walls of Jericho on Austin.****

Seth: (Y2J) He, Walls of Jericho. Me, Dances With Bulldog. How!

****Austin is trying to get to the ropes. Nash gets back in the ring, walks over to Jericho, and as Jericho still has the Walls locked in austin taps before nash can help him... your winner and still TV Champion Chris Jericho!****

Tom: Next week, Chris gets the operation that makes him Cable TV Champion...

****Jericho gets out of the ring before nash can get to him... (Commiceal Brake)****

TV: I want to see Commiceal Brake wrestle. Can we hire him for BOB? These vignettes are fascinating. I must have more Commiceal Brake!

****Vince is backstage talking to the new superstars that dont have matches tonight but he says they well get matches on smackdown****

TV: (Vince) You will get matches on smackdown. Now if you'll excuse me, you people don't get any dialogue since our writers are morons and couldn't sucessfully introduce a horny porn star to a virgin.

****he leaves the locker room and goes to get coffee but hogan stops him****

Seth: (Hogan) Hey brother, got any steroids?

TV: (Vince) The camera is right there!

Seth: (Hogan) Whoops, brother!

TV: (Vince) And the line is whoops brother. Man, do the next line.

****Hogan: why in gods green earth did you make me the one half tag champ with the man i hate?****

Crow: (Vince) Because he made me cookies! With walnuts!

****Vince: Well because i wanted to Hogan: oh is that so...****

Seth: (Hogan) ...much like the comeback of a seven-year old, Vince...

Tom: Only seven-year olds spell better...

****Vince you better watch your self later down the road...****

TV: Check yo'self befo you wreck yo'self.

****Vince: oh so your threating me****

TV: (Beavis) Are you threating me?

****well no one threatens vince mcmahon on smackdown you and the rock will be faceing the undertaker and kane for the tag titles and you can tell the rock that now buddy****

Seth: (Hogan) Whoa brother, I couldn't tell where one threat ended and the next began.

TV: (Vince) Nobody threatens Vince on smackdown, but raw is fine.

****(Vince leaves)****

Seth: ...I'd leave the country before the fans come after you with Uzis, Vince... Have Kronik do a run-in and you just booked our No-Sell Battle Royal!

****Hogan has a smile on his face...****

TV: As opposed to having a smile on his droopy chest?

****JR: wow this should be a great smackdown man what was hogan thinking****

Crow: Jim Ross: Psychic Commentator!

****The King: well i dont know but we will see if they can work as a team agents 2 of are new superstars the undertaker and kane...****

Seth: Th' hell?

TV: Does anybody speak Duh-ese? (Looks at the bots.)

Crow: Nope, I wasn't programmed for Moron-to-English translation...

Tom: So everyone heard Lawler say that? I thought I had turned Aurally Dslyexic for a second there...

****As RVD makes his way to the ring, We see Jerry Lynn already in the ring, his manger on the outside.****

TV: The same one Jesus was born in?

****RVD gets in the ring, and is kicked in the face as the bell rings on this one. RVD then kicks up at Lynn, who dodges it, and hits a legdrop. RVD rolls out of the ring, and then gets back up on the apron.****

Crow: (RVD) Maybe if *I* start no-selling, they'll let me enter the Battle Royal! Cool!

****RVD with a beatuiful cross body from the to rope, sending Lynn down. RVD runs off the ropes, and deilvers a spinning heel kick, and then runs off the ropes again, this time, a rolling thunder.****

Seth: I see they got the ropes back... the writer must have returned the dictionary... Unused, naturally!

****Pin attempt, 1,2 kickout by Lynn. Lynn with a suplex. Lynn the hits another leg drop. Disco Stu then makes his presence felt by pulling RVD's head over the apron, while his body is still in the ring.****

TV: (Disco Stu) Disco Stu makes his presence known.

****Jerry Lynn witha devestating leg drop, this time from the top rope to RVD's pron head outside the ropes.****

Crow: He kicked him right in the pron head! That's illegal!

Tom: (RVD) Dude, you crushed my nads!

**** 1,2, kickout somehow by RVD. EHW co owner Ric Flair then comes out, and annonces that Disco Stu must leave the area, or Jerry Lynn with DQ'ed and this match will end.****

Seth: The announcement took eighteen minutes, and included 312 uses of the word "WHOOOOOO!"

TV: And nearly every opponent Flair has ever faced, and the date, and arena, WHOOOO.

****This brings a chours off cheers from the fans.****

Crow: Still thirsty, Trey? Because the fans have got your Chours...

****Cheers contunes as Stu walks up the ramp.****

TV: But then they mysteriously stop and never return.

Seth: I thought Cheers finished years ago?

Tom: Maybe it's a re-run?

****Back ot the action, RVD recovered, and now hits a flying cross body. RVD then lifts Lynn, arm drag takedown by RVD. Jerry then delivers the same manuver to Van Dam.****

Crow: Copycat!

****Pin by lynn,****

Seth: See Lynn grin! Drink some gin, it's in the tin!

****kickout, RVD reverses into his own pin, kicout, and the two exchange pin reverslas for almost a min.****

Tom: (Reverslas) All ze way from Oslo for zis? I qvuit!

Seth: Lyn pins for a min! Who will win? Beat the bin and make a din!

[Trey cuffs Seth over the head.]

Seth: OW!

Crow: Fin.

****Both men get up, and fans erupt with cheers****

Crow: Beacuse the match is nearly over!

****RVD then goes off the ropes again, this time with a backspring elbow. RVD heads for the turnbuckels, and signials for the 5 star frog splash. Van Dam takes off, with gorgeous, picture pefect height,*****

TV: If only the results were as picture pefect.

****and lands a thunderous splash.****

TV: And the referee apologizes for farting.

****1,2, kickout by Lynn. RVD, in somewhat shock, picks up Lynn, and props him up on the top turnbuckle. RVD punches him once in the face, and climbs up woth him.****

Seth: The commentary is now adopting a New Zealand accent! Fush and chups woth sauce please... and a chucken leg!

****RVD picks Lynn up, while ont he top turnbuckles, and hits a super superplex.****

TV: (Waving a limp hand at the screen) What a thuper thuperplex. Stop it!

Seth: What the fuck is a super superplex? Did he suplex him off the lighting gantry?

****1,2 and another kickout. The resilaint Lynn fights his way up, but is quickly DDT'ed by Van Dam****

Tom: (RVD) Just DIE, you annoying little jobber!

****Another Rolling thunder, another kickout. RVD then lifts up Lynn, and powerbombs him back down. This must have taken alot out of RVD as well, as he falls to the mat. At this point, fans can't hold it anymore and begon****

TV: Peeing all over the floor and each other.

****to cheer wilidly again,****

Seth: About time Wilidly got some respect from the fans! Go Wilidly!

****as this is a match worthy of a PPV.****

Tom: Yeah, right! Well, maybe a WOW Pay-Per-View...

****Lynn somehow gets up first,****

TV: I'm only assuming, but I'm guessing by pushing himself up, managing to keep his legs in a straight line without buckling and balancing on those two feet of his.

****and lifts RVD, and delivers a piledriver, of all things, and he falls down out of it. This sends the fans ever more off the edge,****

TV: Yes, mass suicide is a side effect of watching this show. Loss of bladder control and mass suicide. Watch EHW!

****as the know they are getting everything out of these guys.****

TV: Except blood. We want blood! And eye sockets!

Seth: And feet!

Tom: (Edge) Eh?

**** Both men use the ropes on different sides of the ring to pull each other up,****

Crow: Nice to see the spirit of co-operation in this match...

****and both men run at each other. Lynn ducks a clotheline, and hits a neckbreaker. Lynn lifts RVD off the canvas, and delivers his tornado DDT fromt the turnbuckle. 1,2 kickout! After everything, RVD kicked out of the tornado DDT. Lynn does not know what to do,****

TV: (Jerry) All I want is to wrestle. Why must we have a personality too! It's not fair!

**** as he lifts RVD up, and RVD grabs Lynn around the stomach, and slams him backwards, in a variation of a sidewalk slam.****

Seth: The variation known as the "No-Sell THIS, Bitch" Slam...

****RVD runs to the turnbuckles and signals for the 5 star again. Lynn, then gets up, and punches RVD in the abdomen, and RVD falls onto the turnbuckles. Lynn gets on the top rope, and DDT's RVD from the top rope! This proved to be enough, as Lynn covered RVD for the win!****

Tom: Inadvertantly changing to the past tense as he goes...

**** Lynn, then goes to leave the ring, but stops, halfway out. He enters again,****

TV: (Reading) Slowly, gently, making her feel like every bit of a woman could ever want to feel.

****and lifts RVD. RVd gets up, then notices who picked him up, and goes backwards ready to fight. Lynn then offers his hand to RVD!?!****

Seth: ...Gives him a manly hug...

Crow: And finally butt-bangs him right there in the middle of the ring!

****RVD looks puzzeled by this, but shakes the hand of the man who he just gave it all to. Lynn nods his head, then he gets in rvds face at backlash i want that hardcore title of yours...rvd says your on!!! ****

Crow: (rvd) If I win, can I get my capital letters back, too?

****Lynn leavs the ring with Disco Stu then RVD does...
The King: well Lynn won this match tonight is this a preview of backlash when he takes on RVD again!
JR: but this time for the hardcore title...****

Seth: (JR) Which means it'll suck like this one, but there'll be trashcans involved!

****(Commicheal Break)
The King: Main Event Time!****

TV: The end is in sight! Woohoo!

****JR: the winner of this match will be the #1 contender at backlash for triple h`s World Title! Untouchable comes to the ring then the lights go off as Kobra comes to the ring...****

TV: Oh look! Kobra! Let's hope he actually sports entertains this night and doesn't go on any trips during the match.

Seth: Boy, this guy really picks a winner when it comes to choosing his places of employment! First the WWFX, now this place!

****Kobra starts off with a kick to the mid section of untouchable, then DDT's him. Untouchable quikcly makes his way back to his feet however,***

TV: Uh oh. Phew. He puts those suckers right back on. (JR) You're not gonna get any embarrsaing Edge disasters like in other feds.

****and delivers an brutal kick to the face of Kobra. Both men then begin to punch each other, even though nothing seems to have an effect on either man,****

Seth: Chalk up two more guys for the Battle Royal!

****untill Untouchable suplexes Kobra. While Kobra is down, untouchable kicks him in the midsection and the face. Kobra pulls at untoucable's leg*****

TV: (untoucable) I'm not that kind of man.

Seth: (untouchable) Don't touch me! I'm untouchable, remember? You're ruining my gimmick!

****and throws him to the ground with a fireman's carry. Kobra then lifts untouchable up, and piledrives him hard. 1,2, kickout by untouchable. Now Untouchable starts to pick up some steam,****

Tom: Giving himself a third-degree burn in the attempt...

****and DDT's Kobra. Untouchable lifts Kobra, and hits a scissor kick, and a 2 count follows. Untouchable whips Kobra into the ropes, and then procedes to suplex Kobra off the top. untouchable climbs to the second turnbuckle, and delivers a leg drop. Another close call, but only 2. Untouchable again lifts Kobra, but this time, Kobra fights back, and whips Untouchable into the corner.****

Seth: Guys, if something interesting happened during this match, wake me up and let me know, mm'kay?

****Kobra then sets up Untouchable on the top, and gets up there himself. Kobra powerbombs Untouchable form the top rope of the ring, to the outside, and both men are out. Fans start to scream "Holy Sh*t, Holy Sh*t"****

TV: The fans cannot believe how bad this show is. They've actually been saying it all night long, but....

Crow: I believe they're actually chanting "This is Shit! This is Shit!" Darn those network censors!

****and Kobra starts to climb up into the ring. Kobra then regains composure, while Untouchable is rolling around the outside.****

Seth: Is it Sports Entertainment, or just a guy doing forward rolls around around a wrestling ring? Cast your vote now!

****Kobra throws Untouchable into the ring, and piledrives him again. 1,2 and somehow Untouchable kicks out.Untouchable begins to get up, but is kicked down by Kobra. Kobra climbs the rope, and attempts to hit a a leg drop, but Untouchable rolls out of the ring. Untouchable, seeing Kobra down, then starts to climb back into the ring, and leg drops Kobra.****

Tom: That's like the 300th legdrop tonight! Hogan must be booking!

****Kobra is then lifted off the mat, and is clothelined from hell by Untouchable, who then stands over Kobra with his arms in the air. Kobra kicks up, hitting his untouchable in the groin.****

TV: Bwahahahahahaha. He said groin.

****Kobra gets up, and sets him up for the Armageddon. and hits it! 1 2 3 ****

Seth: Well, that was a tad anti-climatic...

****As the annoucer states that Kobra is the winner and NEW #1 contender for the World Title at backlash, out of nowhere Tiple H runs out to the ring!****

TV: Nowhere is just west of the camera lens.

****HHH bashes Kobra with a steel chair, this results in a bloddy Kobra.****

Crow: (Yorkshireman) Bloddy Kobra! Eeh, by gum!

TV: (Pauly Shore) Hey, bloddy!

****HHH appears to be done,****

Tom: But for safetys sake, pierce him with a skewer and make sure the juices run clear before serving!

TV: Yes, he's done... high on the wacky weed. All that and steroids too!

****when he turns around, shakes his head in disgust, and lifts Kobra. He then motions for the pedigree, which he nails. Triple H asks for a microphone... "Well, this is my challenger, the man who thinks he can take this from me? Well, tonight, the game has begun"****

Seth: ...To suck an ass the size of Mount Rushmore...

***Kneels down and gets in Kobra's bloddy face, props it in his hand, ****

Seth: (Ash) Gimmie some sugar, Kobra!

****"But at Backlash, Game over!"****

TV: In a week, when homework piles up, Fed over!

****Raw fades out as HHH stands on stage and holds the world title in the air...*****

TV: And somewhere, a tree falls in a forest, but yet, nobody knows it. Coincidence?

[The group begins to leave the theatre.]

Tom: I hope it fell on the EHW president...

[Doors. We return to the bridge of the SOL.]

Crow: So what's next, Seth?

Seth: Beats me... one thing about the internet, though... we'll never run out of material...

Tom: That's true...

TV: It's also depressing as hell...

[The group sits in morose silence, sipping their pina coladas as we fade out.]


Woman wrestlers with huge boobs doing painful submissions with their boobs has been brought to you by the incurable Apathy disorder ©2002. You're welcome.

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