EpisodesSuperstarsApathy?Brawlers On A Budget

iAd vs. RWF (with Short Subjects) (MST3K 1.5)

(Sung over "Cheers" theme song) You wanna go where everybody SCREAMS your name....

DISCLAIMERS: We're keepin' it real in '02 for all the slutty ass hos! We are not connected with Best Brains, Inc. or any of the E-federations lampooned in this MST. That's it, read on...


[The SOL. Seth enters, finding the bots playing Hamsterball... don't ask.]

Seth: Hey, guys! Let's hit the theatre... time is short, and this tape is long!

Crow: Oh, joy... more bad wrestling?

Seth: Got it in one, my mechanical compadre... Some short subjects, followed by a card from the rock'n Wrestling Federation!

Tom: (Packing the hamster away carefully.) All right, then... we got WRESTLING SIGN!

[Inside the theatre, post-door sequence.]

Tom: So where's Trey? He not coming?

Seth: Sure he is... once he sleeps off his hangover from last night. Comabot... you have the com!

Coma: All hands on Dick! Ahoy! Poinkle!

[The lights dim, and the following caption fades up.]

****TIME TO PLAY THE GAME.****

Crow: (ESPN Announcer) And welcome to the world series of dodgeball... I'm Jeff Dingleberry... and it's TIME TO PLAY THE GAME!

[Seth bounces a dodgeball off Toms' head.]

****The Game is coming to the ring.****

Seth: ...'Cause he got game!

****The game gets the mic. The game starts to talk.****

Crow: The crowd starts to snore.

Tom: Ten seconds into the day and I'm bored stiff already! You iAd guys really know your apathy...

****I have just recintly****

Seth: (The Game) ...Arived in dis country, und mine England is not much very goot, ja?

****heard that i have a match for the I/C title at wreaslt mania.****

Tom: What? Weasel Mania? Wrestling Weasels! I have to see this! I'm calling my cable company RIGHT NOW!

****i came out here just to tell my oppenets****

Crow: Open nets, insert fish...

Seth: Open the Games' head, insert working brain...

****that i will come out the I/C champion. Assion you fight like a pussy****

Seth: I'm glad Trey isn't here yet... Lord knows what he'd do with gratuitous pussy references...

****and same with you regal power of the punch.****

Crow: Huh? Seth, is this some sort of parody? No-one could be THAT bad at interviews!

Seth: Stick around, we're only getting warmed up!

****Sorry to tell you but thoughs brash nuckles aren't even gonna lay a finger on me.****

Tom: (The Game) ...Because my knuckles don't have fingers, although my fingers have knuckles and... wait, where was I?

****I will come out the I/C champion and theres not a damn thing you guys can do about. hahahahahahahahahaha****

Seth: (Schwazenegger) I made der funny. Hahaha. It vos a real knee-schlapper. Ha. Ha.

****(The game leaves the ring with only one thing on his mind****

Crow: Those pesky Remidial English classes he's been avoiding...

****the I/C champion ship)

Crow: ...Which will leave port at precisely 8AM. All aboard!

Tom: That's it? Okay, hit us with another , Seth...

Seth: Sure. You remeber the EHW?

Crow: Remember it? I'm still trying to forget it! You didn't bring us another card from the EHW, did you?

Seth: Nope... I brought EHW INTERVIEWS!

Tom and Crow: (monotone) Huzzah.

****Subject: kurt angle is in the ehw****

Crow: He has our sincere sympathy...

****Roleplay:****\

Seth: Or as we in the wonderful world of kayfabe call it... an "interview" or "promo"...

****After Backlash i want to face pnionex****

Tom: "Pnionex"? Whatever it is, it sounds like you'd need a prescription to buy it...

****in a match on raw so i can have a title shot against Big d****

Crow: Ahh, Big D, with a little d...intentional irony, perhaps?

Seth: Or unintentional stupidity?

****in a table Ladder and Chair match for the light heavy weight championchip****

Tom: Fritos: Your Heavyweight Champion Chip!

****match if BID D wins at BACKLASH****

Seth: Big D, Bid D, it's all the same when your IQ is set at room temperature...

****SO I CAN WHOOP HIS ASS WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO****

Tom: Hey, it's "Stone Cold Nature Boy" Kurt Angle! Three rip-offs for the price of one!

Crow: That's value for money! Wait, was that it?

Seth: Yep. I think his last gimmick was "The ADD Avenger". Luckily, I taped some Big D promos, too...

Tom: "Luckily"?

****(Break It Down!!!!!!!!!!!!,****

Crow: I think his computer broke down...

Seth: Yeah, the "!" key is stuck for sure...

****DX Music Hits,And Big D With Chyna And Rhyno****

Tom: Does that make two rhinos, then?

Seth: Cheap shot, Tom, but it was at Chynas' expense, so I'll let it pass...

****Making There Way To The Ring)****

Crow (sings): Because they did it there way...

****Big D:Now Phoenix,U Think That On My 1 Ever PPV,U Gonna WIN????*****

Crow: That's gotta be a Prince song title, with all those "U"s...

****Big D:What U Think Rhyno,****

Seth: (Rhyno) I think whoever wrote your dialogue should be stuffed head-first into a wood-chipper...

Crow: (Rhyno) Fink? I fink... Duh. What me fink?

Tom: (Ryhno) I think you're up Shit Creek without an...

ALL: OAR! OAR! OAR!

****That Phoenix Gonna Win On Backlash???****

Tom: (Big D) Speaking the witty words me am. Hur hur.

Seth: Big D is like my laptop... I'd enjoy punching some information into him right about now...

****Rhyno:Hell No!!!!!!!!!!****

Crow: (Ryhno) Ha! I used more exclamation marks than you did! Not that I'm keeping...

All: SCORE! SCORE! SCORE!

**** Big D:Chyna? Chyna:No Way!!!****

Seth: (Big D) Hey, get a line of your own, bitch!

Tom: (X-Pac) Hey, who's doing a line? Can I share?

****Big D:Now,U See Big D It's Me,The Light Champ****

Crow: ... Becasue Light champ make many hands work!

Seth: (Laughing) What?

Crow: Well, it sounded profound in my head, Seth...

****Soon To Be The TV Champ On Raw,And U Know DX Need A Little Tag Team****

Tom: (Big D) So we hired Lord Littlebrook and The Haiti Kid! They're the littlest tag team we could find!

****So Me And Rhyno on Smackdown Will Face The Tag Champs!!*****

Seth: Gets a lot of title matches, doesn't he? Think he's booking for the EHW?

Crow: It worked for Dusty, didn't it?

****(crowd:cheers**************)****

Tom: ...And they got the crowd to do star jumps, too!

****Big D:So DX Get 2 words 4 ya:::::****

All: WE SUCK!

****(crowd and dx:SUCK IT!!!!!!!!!!) (DX Are Leaving The Ring)****

Seth: And there was much rejoicing! Until the sequel, that is...

****Subject : Big D Want Anthoer Title****

Crow: (Big D) Me want another title! Me want candy! Give candy now! Now! Whaaa!

****(Break It Down!!!!!!!!!!,DX Music Hits,And Big D Coming With Chyna****

Tom: Ooh, simultaneous!

****To The Ring,With There Belts!!!)****

Crow: Big D: 4, Puncuation: 0... It's like he had a handful of commas and just threw them at his script!

****Big D:Now Look At Us****

Seth: Do we have to?

****We Are Dgenerate's With 2 Titles,One It's The Women's Champion Chyna****

Crow: An oxymoron in itself...

****,And The Light Champ Big D!!!****

Seth: He becomes the Dark Champ after 7pm eastern...

****(CROWD:CHEERs*******)****

Tom: Yep, I'd be getting smashed too, if I had to watch this guys interviews... Cheers!

Seth: Salut!

[Clink of glasses.]

****Big D:Now,I Have Come Here To Challenge Chris Jericho,The TV Champ****

Crow: Jericho is a transvestite? Who knew!

****Hi y2gay,Me And U On Smackdown For Your Title,What U SEE****

Seth: I see dull people...

****DO U ACCAPT????****

Crow: I accapt! Accapt on Wednesdays, I'm busy...

****(big d is in the ring waiting for response)****

Seth: I'd give him a response, but this is a family show...

[Trey Vincent finally arrives in the theatre.]

TV: What did I miss?

Crow amd Tom: NOTHING!

****Rock'in Wrestling Federation RWF BEATDOWN

=============================================

*****("BURN IN HELL" Blast from the PA.)
JOEY:"WELCOME TO RWF BEATDOWN!!!"******

TV: And prepare to be mentally beaten like you've never been before!

****(Pyro and explosions go off and the crowd rise to there feet.)****

TV: (Yokel fan.) Whoops, wrong show. I'm getting outta here before I get stupider.

****("BULLETS" by CREED blast as flames shoot to the sky.****

TV: And Satan rises from the pit of Hell. It's judgment day, all will be judged.

Seth: Ahh, Creed... for when you're just feeling like too much of a pussy to listen to Rage Against The Machine...

****PREZ. SEAN ROCK walk out to the roar of the crowd.) ****

TV: The sound you hear is people asking for *there* money back.

Tom and Crow: (Crowd) THIS SHOW SUCKS! THIS SHOW SUCKS!

****MORRIS:"Kickin this week off the right way, JOEY. THE PREZ. IS HERE!!!"****

Seth: (Morris) And I'm so EXCITED, I'M going to SCREAM at INOPPORTUNE moments!

****SEAN ROCK:"The RWF's first PPV is upon us. Just one week away.****

Crow: Call your cable operators now and get laughed at!

****The RWF TITLE will be on the line. YOUR RWF Champ THE SYNN will face of against THE BROOKLYN KID." Now, the KID has done NOTHING LESS...of PISSING ME OFF!!"****

TV: Funny, I feel the same way about the show so far...

***JOEY:"Goes back to the KID stealing all of the BOSS's pictures and trashing his office."****

TV: (SEAN ROCK) Do you know how hard it is to get good gay midget porn these days?

Seth: So he trashes the bosses office and gets a title shot as a result? There's a tactic I've never tried... wonder if it'll work on Vail...

****MORRIS:"THE BOSS Should have TRASHED HIM!!"****

TV: God, trash whoever wrote this dialogue!

****SEAN ROCK:"See, B-LINE...I could have put my FOOT RIGHT UP YOUR ASS A LONG TIME AGO...*****

TV: But I much prefered it when you put your finger up my....

****BUT...****

Seth: Nice anticipation...

TV: Bwahahaha.

****I figure I would leave that job...to THE SYNN!!!"****

Tom: Yes it's the Eighth Deadly Sin... Dull Wrestling Events!

****("I STAND ALONE" blast and pyro goes off as THE RWF CHAMP THE SYNN walks down the ramp. The crowd goes wild as SYNN steps in the ring. He walks around the ring with the RWF TITLE, showing it off.****

TV: (SYNN) Me champ in lousy fed. Me rule.

****He stops in front of SEAN ROCK and the two shake hands.****

Tom: (Synn) Hi, BOSS!

Crow: (Sean Rock) NICE to SEE you again, SYNN!

****SYNN pulls out a mic.) JOEY:"Is there enough room in that ring for BOTH THERE EGOS??" *****

TV: A better question is, will the television hold *you're* poor grasp of the English language?

***MORRIS:"Show the RWF CHAMP so respect, STYLES!!"****

Seth: (Ali G) Respec'!

****SEAN ROCK:"Now...this SUNDAY, the RWF CHAMP THE SYNN will put his title up against the AWF NUMBER ONE CONTINDER THE BROOKLYN KID!!****

TV: (Brando.) I could've been a continder. I could've been somebudy. Get me a sandwich. And a turkey. And a steak. And some pasta.

Tom: Ever look at Brando and think "Hey, this guy looks like he ATE Jimmy Hoffa!"?

****Now, the last time this went down, SYNN was fired and this BIG conterversy went down.****

TV: Does he mean when the dictionary was stolen and somebody broke the booker's spellcheck? That one?

****I have BEEN ASSURED THAT WILL NOT....happen again."****

Crow: Because only losers re-cycle their storylines...

Seth: *Ahem*.. N..W..O?

Tom: Point proven...

****MORRIS:"Yeah, B-LINE whinned like SHAWN MICHAELS did about the AWF title."****

TV: Shawn Michaels? You know, I've noticed not even Shawn Michaels would lower himself enough to go to an efed. Gotta respect that much about him, and so much more.

****JOEY:"Oh come on...B-KID won that match." MORRIS:"Who had the belt that night when the bell rang??"****

Crow: The timekeeper, I think...

****SEAN ROCK:"See..WE HERE in the RWF DON'T spend out time whinning...bitchin...pissin and moanin when things don't go our way.****

TV: We're too busy borin, annoyin and shoutin everyones name for that!

****THAT is AWF BUSINESS!!!" "And SUNDAY NIGHT at GENOICDE, THE SYNN here will show that SNOT NOSE, WHINNING, PISSIN and MOANIN, PUNK LITTLE JACKASS JIZZLOBBER...WHAT A CHAMP...IS ALL ABOUT!!!"****

TV: Whoa, whoa, what are you trying to say? You're being wayyyyy to subtle and clever for me to understand.

Seth: Jizzlobber? Sounds like Val Venis's earliest gimmick...

****("NATURAL BORN KILLA" blast and B-KID runs down the ramp and slides in the ring.****

Tom: It's the Charge of The Weenie Brigade! Go, WeenieMan, GO!

****SEAN ROCK and SYNN start to stomp the KID. B-KID gets to his feet and battles back. B-KID hits SEAN, but SYNN puts a boot to his face.****

Seth: (Synn) Smell THIS, pal!

****SEAN picks up B KID and SYNN hits the SYNN DRIVER.) JOEY:"IT'S NIGHTMARE!! IT'S NIGHTMARE!!"****

TV: And we can't wake up!

Seth: (Charlton Heston) It's a madhouse! A MADHOUSE!

****(NIGHTMARE runs down and gets in the ring as SYNN and SEAN slide out. NIGHTMARE stands at the ropes and point at the two as SEAN and SYNN laugh.****

Crow: (Nightmare) I point in your general direction! Ha-ha!

****SEAN points at NIGHTMARE and says "YOUR NEXT!!")****

TV: And somewhere, Goldberg puts his head through a television set.

****JOEY:"NIGHTMARE wants the PREZ. bad!!"****

TV: (Singing) I don't want, anybody else. When I think about you I touch myself.

Seth: I did NOT wish to know that, Trey...

****MORRIS:"What the hell does HE have to do with this??? SYNN and THE BOSS were showin B-KID some respect...ya know...the stuff the AWF DON'T HAVE!!!"****

Seth: Things the RWF doesn't have... decent angles, direction and a future...

****BACKSTAGE (The crowd expoldes***

TV: (Looking through his dictionary.) Maybe this is coming to us from England and that means something over there. Does anybody have an America's Bitches dictionary?

Seth: Is that an expolsion or an impolsion?

****as the RWF WOMAN's champ walks into the arena.)****

TV: Identity concealed to protect the embarrassed.

****LITA:"Hey...you seen TRISH yet??" Security:"Uh, no...not yet."****

TV: (Lita) But YOU plan on seeing HER, don't you? DON'T YOU SECURITY!

****LITA:"Where's PREZ. ROCK??" Security:"he just left the ring. Maybe his office??" LITA:"Yeah...maybe."****

TV: Give it up for Monosyllabic Lita everyone!

Seth: The security guy gives a better interview than Lita...

Crow: And he's better looking!

Tom: Stop it, Crow, you're scaring me...

****(LITA walks off, towards the PREZ. office. Camera switches to NIKKI watching a monitor, with her arms crossed.)****

TV: Is that Nikki Cox. I said Cox. I love Nikki Cox so much. Yes, I said it, I love Cox.

Tom: Now HE'S scaring me! This is turning weird, Seth!

****NIKKI:"Huh...Yeah...I think I need to go see SEAN too...." JOEY:"WHAT DOES NIKKI WANT WITH THE PREZ??" MORRIS:"Same thing LITA wants...ROCK'ED!!!"****

Seth: I'm going to be trying to dechiper that gibberish for DAYS, guys...

****ONE ON ONE TV TITLE MATCH CHAMP:RENAGADE vs CHESTA THE MOLESTA***

Seth: Chesta the Molesta! Vinnie-Roos' handing out gimmicks again! Damn you, Russo!

TV: Oh good God. And I supposed Chesta is the face?

****(RENAGDE is in the ring as "I LOVE YOU" by BARNEY and FRIENDS comes over the PA and CHESTA THE MOLESTA walks down the ramp.)
JOEY:"This guy has some problems."****

TV: Not to mention the fed!

Tom: And we're watching it! We ALL have problems!

****MORRIS:"But the fans love him, JOEY. Wonder if he works for the Church??"****

TV: Holy motherfucking SHIT! I was RIGHT?! This guy is a FACE! Damn it, give me those exclamation points Seth.

Seth: No.

TV: I said give them to me.

Seth: No Trey, you need help. You can't keep relying on exclamation points to get you through the bad times.

TV: Just give me 10. Then I'll quit, cold turkey, not another one for the rest of the show, I swear.

Seth: Well...

TV: C'mon man. I love you, you know that.

Seth: Awww. How can I say no to you.

Tom: AHHH! I'm out of here! (Tom flees the theatre.)

TV: Thank you. MAY GOD PISS ON WHOEVER WROTE THIS SHOW AND WHOEVER CAME UP WITH THAT CHARACTER BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS BULL MOTHERFUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!

Seth: Feel better?

TV: Yeh, mon.

****(RENAGADE and CHESTA lock up. RENAGADE gets the upper hand with a headlock. CHESTA breaks free and reverses into a armbar.****

TV: Then Chesta notices a cute boy in the front row and gets distracted. Good God, what am I saying?

Crow: This match has been rated TV-14DVL and any other warning letters I missed...

****RENAGADE rolls out of it and whips CHESTA into the ropes. RENAGADE hits CHESTA with a shoulder block knocking him down.****

Seth: Hold the phone! Didn't the guy who played Renegade kill himself a few years back? Now I can't decide which gimmick is in worse taste!

****RENAGADE drops a elbow into CHESTA's chest. RENAGADE picks him up and excutes a belly to belly suplex.) JOEY:"RENAGADE is quickly becomming a star here."****

Crow: I'mm becomming borred, Setth.

****MORRIS:"He is also building a new kilq and plans to go after the TAG TITLES."****

TV: Kilq? Can we please get a copy of the Rock'in Slang Dictionary please. I'm having trouble following this show.

****(RENAGADE picks up CHESTA, but CHESTA rolls him up. ONE...TWO...THRE...RENAGADE kicks out. He hits CHESTA with forearms to the face, knocking him back to the corner. RENAGADE whips CHESTA,****

Crow: Great, a bondage and discipline session mid-match! Is there no depths they won't plumb?

****but CHESTA reverses and hits a clothesline in the corner. CHESTA climbs to the top as RENAGADE stands up and hits a dropkick. CHESTA picks up RENAGADE who is in a daze.****

TV: (Renegade) Where am I? God, why am I so sweaty? Did I just have another gay experience? I've got to lay off the booze.

Tom: Okay, I'm back... who wants popcorn?

****CHESTA walks around him checking him out,****:

TV: (CHESTA) I usually like young boys, but you've got a nice ass. Wanna come home with me so I can shave your ass and you can call me Father Chesta?

Tom: AHHHHH! (He flees again.)

**** then slaps RENAGADE's ass.)
MORRIS:"HE DOES WORK FOR THE CHURCH!!!"****

TV: Wow. What great TV. I hope whoever wrote this card gets strapped to a bed and violated with a broomstick.

Seth: Oh, so you've BEEN to a Catholic Boys School, huh Trey?

****(RENAGADE spins around and drops CHESTA. RENAGADE, who is pissedn begins to stomp CHESTA.)
MORRIS:"That's what the Pope should do."
JOEY:"WOULD YOU STOP IT??!!"****

TV: I'm suddenly aching for these guys to start repeating moves after the detached narrator. It's rather sad.

Crow: Comedy should be left to the professionals, kids. Just say NO to jokes!

****(RENAGADE picks up CHESTA. DDT then off the ropes for a elbow.****

TV: And the trade is accepted.

****RENAGADE picks up CHESTA, scoop slam. RENAGADE picks him up.****

TV: Are you from Tennessee? Cuz you're the only ten I see.

Seth: I got five bucks says you used that lame-o line on that blonde at the club last night,

Trey... (Trey hangs his head.)

Seth: Thought so... Was she a natural blonde, by the way?

TV: Nope, a 747...

Seth: Black box, huh?

****CHESTA drives elbows to the gut of RENAGADE, then facecrusher to the mat. CHESTA goes to work on RENAGADE's knee, stomping it. CHESTA then locks on a leg lock.****

Crow: Then jams on a facejam, before slamming him with a slam. And boy, does this match suck a suckload of suck!

****Ref checks RENAGADE. RENAGADE gets to the ropes and the hold is released. CHESTA hits forearms and whips RENAGADE who comes off the ropes with a flying clothesline. He picks up CHESTA and plants him with a back breaker.)****

TV: Water daily and weed regularly.

****JOEY:"Both these men are battling it out."
MORRIS:"The TV TITLE is on the line. Of course they are gunna battle it out."****

Seth: Morris is doing his best Hillbilly Jim impersonation...

Tom: YEE-HAW! Seth: Oh, good, Tom's back!

****(RENAGADE plants CHESTA with a side buster****

TV: Gonna have a big crop this year. Chesta, side busters, back breakers. Hope this drought lifts.

****then hops the tunrbuckle and crashes down with the FIVE STAR. ONE...TWO...THREE!!!) WINNER and STILL TV CHAMP:RENAGADE****

Crow: Not bad for a dead guy...

****BACKSTAGE T.J.:"I'm with SILVER STRIKE. Who tonight was to face GRAVE DIGGER in the RWF TITLE BRACKET match. GRAVE DIGGER, early Sunday morning resigned from the RWF.****

TV: (T.J.) He unfortunately realized how bad this place was and left.

Seth: The homework must have been piling up for Grave Digger....

****Therefore, SILVER STRIKE got the win and will go on to the next round. You must be pretty excitied SILVER STRIKE to move on and have a easy frist round."****

Tom: (Farmer) Better cover up the crops, Trey, there's a heavy frist forcast...

****(Suddenly, THE DRAGON walks up to SILVER STRIKE. DRAGON looks him up and down. SILVER STRIKE stares at DRAGON, and snickers.****

TV: (SILVER STRIKE) You have a small peepee!

Seth: Snickers: Guaranteed to satisfy!

****DRAGON smiles...and attacks him!! DRAGON pushes him against the wall and begins to punch him, over and over.****

Crow: I wish this show was over!

****DRAGON whips SILVER STRIKE against the wall. SILVER slams the wall, and falls back.****

TV: (Announcer) The wall was too heavy to slam. The wall with the cover. 1, 2, 3.

****DRAGON catches him, drops to his knee and hits a hard neckbreaker on SILVER STRIKE, driving DRAGON's knee into SILVER's neck.****

TV: I hate it when that happens.

Seth: This interview has got more action than the TV Title match!

****SILVER STRIKE falls to the ground, knocked out. DRAGON stands over him, and grabs the mic.)****

Tom: He's gonna bust some jams! Word up, homes!

Seth: You don't even know what that means, do you Tom?

Tom: Ummm.. Yo?

****DRAGON:"SEAN ROCK!!! YOU SEE THAT??!! I WILL DO THE SAME DAMN THIG TO YOU!!****

TV: Can you THIG it, thucka?

****YOU PROMISED ME GRAVE DIGGER!!****

Seth: (Dragon) ...Would be delivered to my dressing room covered in baby oil and wearing a thong!

****THEN HE WALKS..HE QUITS!! AND YOU GIVE THIS SORRY PUKE A TITLE SHOT, AND PASS ME UP??!! I JUST DESTORIED HIM, ROCK!!"****

TV: (DRAGON) I took his storie and rewrited it. Look at it! I can't right four shit.

****"I WANT HIS SHOT!! I WANT A SHOT AT THE RWF TITLE!!"****

Crow: (Dragon) I want a helicopter and $40, 000 in non-sequential bills or I start shooting people, Callaghan!

****"SEAN ROCK..I AM A FORMER AWF CHAMPION!! THERE IS NO WAY, I WILL SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!"*****

TV: (Police officer on bullhorn) Take your caps lock off and move slowly away from the keyboard.

Seth: (Crowd Control Cop) Nothing to see here, people... move along!

****(EMT's strap SILVER STRIKE to the board and carry him out.****

Seth: Yep, lets have the guy who's getting a title shot do a stretcher job after a 20-second brawl. THAT'LL get him over, Mr Rock...

****As the EMT's carry him out...PREZ. SEAN ROCK walks up and stands face to face with DRAGON.) PREZ. SEAN ROCK:"You think busten up one of my wrestlers is gunna get you somewhere, DRAGON??"****

TV: Forgetaboutit. That's not how the family works.

****"I SHOULD PUT YOU ON YOUR ASS FOR THAT CRAP!!"****

TV: I should stuff you all in a toilet and take a big shit on all of you!

Seth: Just like your school days at St Finnegans, eh Trey?

Tom: This MST is being denounced by the Pope as we speak...

****DRAGON:"You gunn agive me my shot, ROCK..or should I BREAK YOUR NECK??"****

Tom: No, rip out his vocal chords and do us all a favour, Dragon...

****(SEAN ROCK gets noes to nose with DRAGON.) SEAN ROCK:"Yeah..your in."****

Seth: (Rock) ...A shithouse federation with no hope of escape! Nya-HA-HAAAA!

****"BUT...you even THINK of doing anything CLOSE to this...I WILL HAVE YOUR ASS..."****

TV: This guy loves his ass, doesn't he? Seth: Well, his fed SUCKS ass, so I guess he's justified...

****"AND YOUR JOB, DRAGON!!" "WATCH YOURSELF!!" (PREZ. ROCK walks off to check on SILVER STRIKE as DRAGON walks away, laughing.) JOEY:"DID YOU SEE THAT, MORRIS?? DRAGON just attacked SLIVER STRIKE for no reason."****

TV: Oh no. He got SLIVER STRIKE too? He's out of control. I never liked SILVER STRIKE, but SLIVER STRIKE was the man.

Crow: Sean Rock and Sharon Stone IN "Sliver Strike!" This fall on FOX!

****MORRIS:"Hey..DRAGON was getting the shot he has earned, and sending a message. It will be along time before anyone goes at DRAGON."
ONE ON ONE PRETTY THUG SMOKE vs AZRAEL****

TV: Oh good, I can finally use my joke here. I was supposed to sports entertain with a guy by the name of Azrael in jOlt but he left when the fed shut down for it's vacation. But now I can do my chant. (Cupping his hands) AZ-Hole. AZ-hole. AZ-hole.

Seth: You've been wanting to do that for months, huh Trey? Was it good for you?

TV: Oh, yeah... (Lights a cigar and puffs away contentedly.)

****(The two start out in the ring trading blows.****

TV: Ewwww! Put those away. I don't want to see that!

****THUG SMOKE gets the upper hand and whips AZARAL into the ropes and back body drops him.****

TV: (Announcer) Now sports entertaining for AZRAEL, AZARAL. AZARAL.)

****THUG flips and laids two fist to the face of AZARAL.) JOEY:"WOW!! That was impressive."****

TV: Is this interpretive sports entertainment? Why did he just let him lay his fists on his face?

Seth: it's more like watching an interpretive dance after taking a hit of some really good acid! (Looks at the camera) *Ahem* The iAd does not condone the use of narcotics... except beer.

****(THUG picks up AZARAL and whips him again, but AZAREL revreses it.****

TV: (Announcer) Now sports entertaining for AZARAL, AZAREL, AZAREL.

****THUG comes off the ropes, slides through THGS legs, grabs his head****

TV: And starts rubbing up and down, gently caressing the head, and here comes the tongue...

Tom: Trey, just STOP, okay?

****and falls back, neckbreaker. THUG goes for the pin. ONE...TWO...THRE...AZAREL kicks out. AZAREL starts to drive knees to the gut of THUG.****

Seth: (Irish Cop) All roight, pull it over, laddie. Have you got a licence to transport knees across state lines, me fine fella?

****AZAREL DDT's THUG and goes for the pin.) MORRIS:"WHAT'S THIS??"****

TV: How could one word sum up such misery?

Crow: I could sum this federation up on one word... if only the network censors would let me use it!

Tom: Crow, we're on cable... feel free, man!

****(Down the ramp comes CHASNAK and SNOW. THe two slide in the ring, grab the Ref.****

Seth: Throw the ref in the air! And wave him around like you just don't care!

****SNOW knocks the Ref. out as CHASNAK grabs AZAREL and hits a spinning neckbreaker on AZAREL, knocking him out.****

TV: (CHASNAK) Let's get him backstage and rape him before he comes to.

Seth: (SNOW) I didn't know you were Catholic, CHASNAK?

****SNOW, CHASNAK and PRETTY THUG SMOKE thriple team AZAREL as Security run out and break them up.****

Crow: Oh, my God, the carnage! There's bits of wrestler everywhere! This is three time worse than Edges' feet!

****The three roll out of the ring and raise there hands as the crowd boo, leaving AZAREL laid out in the ring.) JOEY:"MY GOD!! CHASNAK has algined him self with SNOW and PRETTY SMOKE THUG!!!"****

TV: It's the blackets alginment ever.

Seth: Notice how they haven't referred to Smoke in the same way twice? Pretty Thug, Thug Pretty, Smoke Thug? Is he in the Witness Protecion Program, or something?

Tom: More like the WitLESS Protection Program...

****WINNER BY DQ: AZAREL ONE on TWO NO DQ "TORNADO MATCH" STREET FIGHT BROOKLYN KID vs EXTREME T and "TNT" TONY SLIMS****

TV: So many stips, so little explanation.

****(OOC: DUE TO COMPUTER PROBLEMS ON THE PART OF BROOKLYN KID,AND "TNT" TONY SLIMS NOT ROLEPLAYING AT ALL, AND EXTREME T NOT ROLEPLAYING FOR THIS MATCH THIS MATCH HAS BEEN CANCELLED!!! WILL TAKE PLACE AT A LATER DATE!! THIS IS "TNT"'S FIRST WARNING. FAILURE TO ROLEPLAY THIS WEEK WILL RESULT INA RELEASE FROM THE RWF)****

TV: YAY! Finally, this fed gives fans what they want, less poorly written shit to read.

Seth: And to think other federations might make up something to explain the lack of a match... an injury, a punking, a hot cup of coffee in the wrong place, ANYTHING! Kayfaybe? Never heard of it!

****RWF TITLE BRACKET MATCH NIGHTMARE vs B.MACK WINNER GOES ON TO NEXT ROUND****

TV: The loser stays in this fed forever. Mwahahahaha.

Crow: And just BEING in the RWF doesn't make you an automatic loser, Trey?

****(NIGHTMARE is in the ring as "SCUM OF THE EARTH" blast from the PA. B. MACK sprints down the ring, dives in,****

TV: And does a cannonball! I give it a 5.

****and goes off on NIGHTMARE.)****

Crow: BOOM!

Tom: Ugggh! I've got bits of B Mack all over me! ICK!

****JOEY:"MY GOD!! B. MACK is all OVER NIGHTMARE!!" MORRIS:"Yep..just like a preist on a lit.." JOEY:"STOP IT!!"****

TV: (He gets on his knees.) In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Jesus, I beg you, to give whoever wrote this card some crippling disease that renders him unable to use his hands. Arthritis. Accident with a chainsaw. Whatever. And if you haven't already, give whoever spawned this pathetic waste of human flesh cancer of the genitalia so they, and he, may truly know suffering. Thy will be done. Amen.

Seth: TESTIFY!

****(B. MACK whips NIGHTMARE around, drives a knee to his gut, flipping NIGHTMARE over. B. MACK keeps hold, and locks in a wrist lock. NIGHTMARE summersalts, and gets loose,****

Tom: Then he gets jiggy wid it!

****but B. MACK knocks him back down with a clothesline.****

TV: And now he's hanging up his laundry during the rest spot. The fans are, obviously, confused.

****B. MACK crahses down with a body splash for the pin. ONE...TWO...THRE...NIGHTMARE kicks out. B. MACK whips NIGHTMARE to the ropes. B. MACK steps back, off the ropes and hits a swinning neckbreaker on NIGHTMAR,****

Seth: WHOA! I having seen the Swinning Neckbreaker since I wrestled in Mexico! Encore! Encore!

****picks up NIGHT and DDT.)****

Tom: (Sulu) The senetences are fragmenting, captain! I don't think they'll stay together for long!

Seth: (Scotty) I doon't have the POOWER!

****JOEY:"WOW! EB. MACK is fired up. He wants this shot at the title to show to the world he is a champ." MORRIS:"B. MACK is on a tear. NIGHTMARE comming of two big wins the past two weeks looks like he's finshed...like a preist in court!!!" JOEY:"Why all the priest jokes??"****

TV: (MORRIS) Cuz I'ma brain dead moron, yuhuck, yuhuck.

****MORRIS:"There funny."****

TV: (Looking around.) I'm looking, but I don't see funny. Or hear it for that matter.

Seth: It's the way he tells it... and his IQ of 14 doesn't help, either...

****(NIGHTMARE starts to make a come back. He sunset flips B. MACK, then drops a knee to his chest. NIGHTMARE stands as B. MACK is down and cathes his breath.****

TV: You can't spell cathes, without Seth.

Seth: And you can't spell Fetid, Rancid Waste of Webspace without RWF!

****NIGHTMARE picks up B. MACK and hits him with rights****

TV: You have the right to arm bears. You have the right to bore our fans. You have the right to be poorly grammatical.

****then whips him to the ropes. NIGHTMARE goes for a clothesline, B. MACK ducks, spins around goes for the superkick, NIGHTMARE cacthes his foot and Dragon screw toss.****

Crow: Sounds like a cocktail!

****NIGHTMARE looks behind him as the crowd starts to cheer.****

Tom: (Nightmare) Do these tights make my ass look big? Be honest, Mack...

****PREZ. SEAN ROCK walks down the ramp and hops up on the appron. NIGHTMARE looks at SEAN as the Ref tries to get SEAN down.****

Crow: (Ref) Bad President! Down! Off the furniture, right now! Down boy!

****Just then THE SYNN hops the wall, jumps in the ring and hits NIGHTMARE with the SYNN DRIVER then pulls B. MACK over NGHTMARE!!! SEAN jumps down off the ring as the Ref. tunrs, sees the pin and drops for the count.)***

Seth: (Ref) Three. I don't care anymore...

****JOEY:"AH HELL!!! SEAN ROCK AND THE SYNN JUST COST NIGHTMARE THE MATCH!!" MORRIS:"B. MACK IS ON HIS WAY TO THE TITLE!! HA HA!! HE GOES TO THE NEXT ROUND!!" (SEAN and SYNN walk up the ramp, laughing as NIGHTMARE is knocked out.)****

Tom: Mama said knock you out, thucka!

****WINNER and MOVES TO THE NEXT ROUND: B. MACK RWF TITLE BRACKET MATCH NIKKI vs ARCH ANGEL WINNER GOES TO NEXT ROUND****

Seth: Well MY nipples are tingling with excitement...

****(OOC:DUE TO NIKKI LETTING ME KNOW OF COMPUTER TROUBLE, BUT ARCH ANGEL DID ROLEPLAY I HAVE AWARDED THE WIN TO ARCH ANGEL. ARCH ANGEL WILL MOVE ON IN THE BRACKET.)****

Seth: And that's a shoot, brother!

TV: OOC note. THIS SHOW SUCKS. I'D WRITE BETTER, BUT HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW HOW. SO YOU ALL CAN SUCK IT. I DARE YOU TO STOP READING. AND IF I CAN'T DRIVE YOU AWAY WITH ALL CAPS, I'LL DRIVE YOU AWAY WITH BAD GRAMMAR OR BAD PLOTS. ONE WAY OR ANOTHER, YOU WILL GO AWAY!

Crow: And that's ALSO a shoot, brother!

****RWF TV TITLE NUMBER ONE CONTINDER MATCH WINNER GETS TV TITLE SHOT THIS SATURDAY "THE ICON" vs CHRIS "MCJ" JONES****

TV: For the record, Trey Vincent is the ONLY TV champ that matters.

Tom: More transvestites? You and Jericho could form a tag-team, Trey...

Crow: If Jericho was Catholic, that is...

TV: Watch it, hardware...

****(OOC: DUE TO CHRIS JONES NOT ROLEPLAYING, AND THE ICON CONTACTING ME LAST NIGHT AND GIVING A REASON, AND USING PAST ROLEPLAYS BY BOTH, I HAVE AWARDED THE WIN TO THE ICON. HE WILL MOVE ON. CHRIS JONES HAS BENN RELEASED DUE TO FAILURE TO ROLEPLAY. THIS IS THE SECOND WEEK IN A ROW.)****

TV: Dur, what's a roleplay? All this shooting is confusing....

Seth: Man, the booking commitee is really taking a huge dump on the paying RWF fans tonight, huh?

Crow: Thank God for the "Card Subject To Change" clause, huh?

****BACKSTAGE SEAN ROCK:"Come in."****

Crow: Uh, no-one knocked, Mr President? You turning PSI on us?

****(SEAN ROCK is in his office. No pitcures on the wall.****

TV: Because there is no cure for pit. Yes, we give you all the meaningless details here in the RWF.

Seth: (Sings) Countin' flowers on the wall, it don't bother me at all... smokin' cigarettes and watching... (Spoken) This Godawful wrestling card!

****He looks up and there stands ROXY.) ROXY:"What about my match." SEAN ROCK:"Uh...WHAT MATCH??"****

TV: (ROXY) YOU DARE YELL AT ME. GET READY FOR MY LINE THEN.

****ROXY:"DON'T MESS WITH ME, ROCK!! I WAS TO FACE MIKE TONIGHT, BUT YOU CANNED THAT MATCH!!****

Seth: (ROXY) And I wanna be like Mike! I wanna be, wanna be, wanna be like Mike!

****NOW, I WANT TO KNOW IF I GET MY RWF TITLE BRACKET MATCH...Or...DO I HAVE TO SNAP YOUR NECK like DRAGON did SILVER STRIKE??" PREZ. ROCK sits up, smiles, and puts his feet on his desk.)****

TV: (Detached narrator) There are no papres on the desk.

****SEAN ROCK:"Yeah, sure...you can have your match....Next TUESDAY...against..." "ME!!!!!""Now, I'm busy...TAKE OFF!!"****

TV: (ROXY) What should I take off?

Seth: (ROCK) Whatever Father O'Finnegan asks you to... you saucy minx!

****ROXY:"You just made me...the happiest girl on the earth, SEAN."****

Tom: Oh, no it's about to turn into a lemon! RUN!

****(ROXY walks out, with a smile on her face.) JOEY:"FINALLY..WE SEE PREZ. ROCK and ROXY go AT IT!!" MORRIS:"Well...THERE WENT HER CHANCE AT THE TITLE!!"****

TV: (MORRIS) Dem broads sure know how to screw up their careers. And how 'bout them child molesting priests?

****RWF TITLE BRACKET MATCH WINNER GOES TO NEXT ROUND PREZ. SEAN ROCK vs "INSANE ONE" JEFF DAVIS****

TV: Oh gee, another president booking himself to a title. What a surprise.

Seth: I'm still waiting for one to book a run-in against himself... "President Stone didn't screw President Stone.. Pres.. Wait a minute, I was going somewhere with this... AHHH!"

****("ENTER SANDMAN" blast and JEFF DAVIS steps out and into the ring. "BULLETS" blast****

Crow: It's Columbine all over again! Everybody down!

**** and PREZ. ROCK walks down the ramp, locking eyes with DAVIS.****

Seth: A eye-lock? Well it makes a change from all the wrist-locks...

****SEAN steps in the ring with DAVIS. The two stand toe to toe. SEAN ROCK swings as DAVIS ducks, and leg sweeps SEAN.) JOEY:"WHAT THE HELL??" MORRIS:"DAVIS JUST PINNED THE BOSS!!" ****

Tom: With a three-count so fast it was invisible to the naked alterboy.. sorry, eye. damn, freudian riffing...

****9The bell rings****

TV: They named their bell 9?

****and JEFF DAVIS wins the match. PREZ. ROCK stands up and gets a mic.)SEAN ROCK:"I figure...why face DAVIS for a title shot...when I CAN JUST GIVE MYSELF ONE??? DAVIS won the match, so he moves on." "I'm the BOSS, so..." "I CAN'T LOSE!!!" "HA HA!! GOT-CHA!!"****

TV: Oh, fuck-cha! (He flips off the BOSS.)

****(PREZ. ROCK and DAVIS walk up the ramp, laughing.) THRIPLE THREAT HARDCORE NUMBER ONE CONTINDER MATCH ****

TV: (Announcer) We employ people of all kinds, even those with thpeech impedimenths. Seth: Ahh, Trey! You're going to drown me in dribble!

****WINNER GETS TITLE SHOT SATURDAY AT BLOODSPORT T'RELL CAMPBELL vs SNOW vs CHASNAK (All three men start out in the ring.****

TV: And all the remaining fans start out of the building, bored by the predictability.

****SNOW and CHASNAK doulbe team T'RELL. SNOW picks him up, whips him in the ropes. Both CHASNAK and SNOW hit back elbows, knocking T'RELL to the mat.

Crow: So Trell is playing The Rock by default in this tired re-tread of a match. I wonder which one of the others is Triple H? Seth: Beats knee.. I mean, me!

****CHASNAK slides out, grabs a chair. He grabs another and tosses it to SNOW. SNOW and CHASNAK pick up T'RELL and slam doulbe chairs to the side of his head.

Crow: Oh, sorry... They're Edge and Christian... that must make Trell a Dudley Boy...

****SNOW picks up T'RELL and hits the DROP OF SNOW. SNOW and CHASNAK continue to doulbe team T'RELL when XTREME T runs down the ramp and slides in.****

TV: Use 1-800-CLOLECT SUCKA. I'm the Xtreme Inspecta Clolecta.

Seth: (British) Spot of XTREME tea, vicar? One contusion or two?

****T goes at the two. T knocks down CHASNAK as T'RELL gets to his feet. SNOW grabs CHASNAK and pulls him out of the ring.****

Tom: Ahh, Sportz Entertainment... a ninety-second match with no real finish! Thanks bundles, Vince...

****The four stare at each other as SNOW and CHASNAK walk up the ramp.) WINNER:NO CONTEST****

TV: Loser: the iAd.

****TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH CHAMPS:TRISH and RWF CHAMP LITA vs RWF PREZ. SEAN ROCK and MIKE P.****

Seth: Geez, how many titles does Sean Rock want to book himself for? This isn't wrestling, it's a public ego-jerk!

****("IT JUST FELLS RIGHT"****

TV: By The Lumberjacks.

****blast and TRISH and LITA walk out to the ring. They step in the ring.) JOEY:"TRISH has not been around much as of late. Wonder what kinda of effect that will have on the TAG TITLES." MORRIS:"YEAH!! CAT FIGHT!!! YES!!"****

Tom: Here we witness the effect of hiring a sex-straved imbecile as a color commentator!

****(TRISH and LITA begin to go at it as "BREAK YO NECK" By BUSTA RHYMES blast and SEAN ROCK and MIKE P. walk down to the ring, taking there time, and laughing.)****

Seth: Wasn't Mike P. the DJ for the Beastie Boys?

****JOEY:"PREZ. ROCK and MIKE P. are getting closer to AWF TAG GOLD. They won over TRISH and NIGHTMARE last week, and go on to face AWF SILVER CROWN CHAMP BROC HUDSON and NIKKI this Thursday."****

Crow: In a "Job To The Boss" match...

****MORRIS:"WAIT?? WHAT'S THIS??"****

TV: No, don't wait. Finish the goddam show already.

****(PREZ. ROCK and MIKE P. step in the ring as TRIAH and LITA battle it out. PREZ. ROCK walks up behind LITA, grabs her and****

TV: Insert pathetic priest joke here.

****tosses her out of the ring as MIKE P. hits the SPINNING BRAIN BUSTA on TRISH****

Seth: To no effect, as Trish cunningly had her brain replaced with silicon...

****and goes for the pin. ONE...TWO...THREE!!!) WINNERS and NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPS PREZ. SEAN ROCK and MIKE P****

TV: (PREZ. SEAN ROCK) I am GOD! It's a good thing I'm booking this show or I'd just be a jobber. Ahahahaha. But no, here on Angelfire, I am GOD!

****MORRIS:"THEY DID IT!! SEAN ROCK AND MIKE P. ARE RWF TAG CHAMPS!!" JOEY:"THAT WAS A CHEAP SHOT!!" MORRIS:"IT'S A SIGN OF THINGS TO COME!!"****

Seth: President Rock is going to win ALL the championships! Why? Because he can! He's the Supreme Being!

****(PREZ. ROCK and MIKE take there belts and head out of the ring as NIKKI runs down the ramp. She runs over and begins to attack LITA.****

Tom: Forget it, even a gratutious catfight at this point can't make the RWF seem interesting...

**** The Ref breaks the two woman up as PREZ. ROCK walks over and grabs NIKKI. He spins her around. She looks at him. He looks at her. They hug.****

Crow: Wow, it's like Elizabeth and Macho Man at Wrestlemania Seven... except some people actually ENJOYED watching Wrestlemania Seven...

Seth: The RWF president has got a few unresolved inferiority issues to work out... he's getting the RWF's major angles, putting himself over for multiple titles and his name is a amalgam of two of the most popular wrestlers of the last fifteen years. Seek help, Mr President!

****SEAN puts his arm around NIKKI and they walk back up the ramp. MIKE and SEAN get to the top of the ramp with NIKKI at there side. SEAN calls for a mic and one is tossed to him.) SEAN ROCK:"A long time ago...in a FED...THAT WILL SOON BE GONE****

TV: Just like this one.

****...THREE DOMINATING FORCES STOOD ATOP THE AWF..."****

TV: Incoherance. Incomprehensibility. Ignorance.

****"And those three will STAND TALL...SIDE, BY SIDE...at GENOCIDE!!" SEAN ROCK:"CONNER....this SUNDAY...GENOCIDE...THE RWF...MORE IMPORTANT...THE DOGS OF WAR...WILL FINISH YOU!!!"****

TV: And when you die, Satan will barbecue your soul for eternity.

****"You will stand and watch as WHAT JUST HAPPENED...HAPPENS THIS SUNDAY!!!"****

TV: But it'll be twice as long and half as entertaining.

Seth: By the time this card finishes it'll BE Sunday! END! END! END!

****("FIGHT MUSIC" by D-12 blast as RWF CHAMP THE SYNN, "INSANE ONE" JEFF DAVIS and AWF HALL OF FAMER LIGHTING walk out to the ram pand stand side by side with NIKKI and THE NEW RWF TAG TEAM CHAMPS SEAN ROCK and MIKE P!!) JOEY:"MY GOD!!! LOOK AT THAT POWER!! THE TALNET!!"****

TV: Yeah, look at that Talnet. Haven't seen one of those for a while. We should bring that gimmick back.

Crow: Is a Talnet something you catch Taleban with?

****MORRIS:"The AWF is in a HEAP OF SHIT THIS SUNDAY!!"****

TV: (Morris) And the RFW is a heap of shit EVERYDAY.

****SEAN ROCK:"And as far as you, LITA...NIKKI here just whipped your ass....THIS SATURDAY....at RWF BLOODSPORT....LITA YOU WILL PUT THAT RWF WOMAN'S TITLE ON THE LINE...AGAINST...NIKKI!!!"****

Seth: *sigh* And now he's booking his girlfriend in a title match. Ego-Boost by Proxy...

****(LITA stares at NIKKI as NIKKI smiles.) SEAN ROCK:"As far as TRISH....Well, HONEY...I GOT A PLAN FOR YOU!!!"****

TV: It involves whips, chains, a dustban and broom. You're gonna sweep my floor, bitch! Oh!

Seth: Whoa, it's Andrew "Dice" Trey!

****("FIGHT MUSIC" blast as the D.O.W. walk off the stage.)
JOEY:"MY GOD!!! THE FIRST RWF BLOODSPORT WILL BE WILD****

Tom: (STYLES) ...LY OVERPRICED and not worth the time taken to watch it!

****!! WHAT A NIGHT FOLKS!!! WHERE OUT OF TIME,****

TV: Here. You're out of time here. And we can only thank God for that.

****SEE YOU SATURDAY AT BLOODSPORT!! MY GOD WHAT A NIGHT!!"****

TV: And I'll see the boy who wrote this in Hell.

Seth: (Direct to camera) And we'll see YOU... Later!

Tom and Crow: That's all, Freaks!

[Fade out.]

 

Parody Banner Ad