EpisodesSuperstarsApathy?Brawlers On A Budget

iAd vs. ECF (MST3K 1.6)

It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks. It sucks.

[The SOL. Seth enters, bonking the bots over their respective skullbones with a videotape.]

Seth: I'm here, let's go riff!

Crow: Man, he's not even TRYING on the intros anymore...

***::Sexy Boy hits and HBK comes out to a giant cheer from the croud::***

Crow: What's a "croud', Seth?

Seth: It's wrestling talk... He's the guy who ties on the turnbuckle pads...

Crow: Cool...

***Shawn Michaels: The heartbreak kid has arrived!! ::croud cheers::****

Crow: (Croud) YEAH! You GO, dude!

Seth: (Shawn Michaels) Hi! Now, does anyone have an analgesic, because my back is killing me!

***Shawn Michaels: Now. I see that the most wanted title in this fed is up for grabs.***

Tom: Yes, the "Kiss The Bosses Ass and Tell Him It Tastes Like Ice-Cream" Championship is STILL vacant!

***I'm glad you guys held it until i got here.***

Seth: (Shawn) Now stop holding it, and wash your hands for Gods' sake!

***But now you guys can hand it over to the heartbreak kid!! Because i am gonna get it one way or the other.***

Crow: (Camp Shawn) I'm hoping it's the other... you big hunks of manhood, you...

****Either i am gonna kick ass and get it.****

Crow: See! He admits he wants a piece of ass!

****Or you guys are just gonna hand it over to me.****

Seth: (Shawn) 'Cause you're MY bitches now!

****Shawn Michaels: Now I don't know who's suppose to be the top dog around here****

Tom: Yeah, way to do your research, Shawn...

****but it doesn't matter because now i am the top dog!!****

Seth: Doggy style?

****Not Rocky, not Hogan, not Taker. HBK!! Now i am sending out a challenge to anybody who feels like getting beat.****

Tom: Call Shawn Michaels, Mistress of Pain! $50 per hour, discretion assured...

****It doesn't matter who it is. Let it be Rock. Let it be Hogan. Let it be Rhyno.****

Crow: (Camp Shawn) I'll make him my ...

Tom and Seth: WHORE! WHORE! WHORE!

Crow: Boy, that joke NEVER gets old, does it?

****It doesn't matter. Cause i will kick who's ever on the other side of the rings ass!!****

Seth: Their ring has an ASS? Freaky...

****Now hit my music!!! ::Sexy boy hits again and HBK leaves with a cheer from the croud::****

Crow: (Croud) YAY! I love my job...

Seth: Thanks, Shawn... send in the next microphone Moron on your way out, willya?

***Ravven Grabs a Mic***

Seth: I think we're at a dance party, because somone in this room is ravin'!

Crow: Or Ravven, as the case may be...

***RaVeN -:- I am Here.......... I have came to the wwf for 1 reason and 1 only.........The Hardcore Title!!!!!!!!!***

Tom: Yep, set your sights low, I always say! No sense setting yourself up for disappointment...

***The crowd cheer***

Seth: ...For a drunken blonde in the fourth row who's just taken off her top....

Tom and Crow: YAY!

***RaVeN -:- Now I know Danger Ranger has that title but not for long.***

Crow: Danger Ranger? Who's he wrestling, a Disney cartoon?

***I have had this championship in other federations n its time i had it in this one.***

Seth: Well, if he wrestles as well as he talks, he's a shoo-in... (Snort)

Tom: NEARLY kept a straight face, Seth.

***Now Mr Danger Ranger do u accept my challenge or will u cower into a coner***

Crow: (Broad Scottish Accent) CONNER! Get ya silly ass oover heer, laddie!

***and hope that i will stop....... well i wont so do u accept, do u, do u????????????***

Seth: I don't KNOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!! Too much pressure!!!!!! You know????????? Do You???????????? You moron...

***As RaVeN Stops speaking he stands and waits for a response***

Crow: I'd like to respond by saying "SHUT UP, YOU FREAK!"

Seth: Good response... But I think Mr RAvEn deserves asecond chance, don't you?

Tom and crow: NO!

Seth: Stiff...

***As RaVeN stands at the top of the rampway the crowd go wild chanting***

Tom: YOU'RE A GIMP! YOU'RE A GIMP!

***"NEW FOUND BLOOD NEW FOUND BLOOD"***

Seth: Make no sense! Make no sense!

Crow and Tom: NEW FOUND LAND! NEW YORK JETS! NO NEW TAXES!

***as RaVeN slowly walks down the rampway to the anouncers table to get a mic***

Crow: It's a slow walk, because he's trying to remember the basic muscle movements that walking requires...

Tom: THUD! (Raven) Damn, this co-odination thing is a bitch!

***JR: Its the man that will take on danger ranger on raw for the hardcore title in a barbwire cage match.***

Seth: Meaning the fans will be experiencing the "Up Shit Creek In a Barbed Wire Canoe" match...

***King: Freak Show.......Freak Show........ Jr: you know you got to stopp saying that....***

Crow: ( Hillbilly JR) Cause you done sound like a retard, boy...

***King: What calling raven and haku freaks freaks freaks.....***

Seth: Yes yes yes!

Tom: No no no!

***As the king is sayin this Raven is standing behind him.***

Crow: The royal powers of observation are staggering...

***RaVeN the grabs him by his jacket and halls him into the ring and begins to speak*****

Crow: Halls him? Scott Hall? Did he get plastered and make an ass of himself in the ring?

Seth: You're half-right...

***RaVeN: Now King i am fed up with you calling me and my partner Haku.....Crowd Cheer.......Freaks.***

Tom: Don't read the stage directions you idiot! You look like a...dramatic pause... amatuer!

***now mr king since you seem to enjoy this so much why dont you say this to my face.......***

Seth: (King) THIS! Hahahaha! What, don't you GET it?

***As king gets handed the mic haku comes in from the crowd***

Tom: Now are we sure it's Haku? The other guy has been Raven, Ravven, and RaVeN so far. His partner could be a Haiku!

Seth: *ahem*

My mic skills are weak,
Making Benoit look like Flair
Raven is my name.

Crow and Tom: Bravo! Bravo! Encore!

Seth: Thank you! Next performance at eleven...

***grabs a chair and stands behind the King***

Crow: (Ash) Hail to the King, baby!

***King: ok then i will you and haku are both Freaks.***

Seth: (King) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt like elderberries!

***RaVeN: Now see I dont have a problem with that but i think my freind behind you might.... As the king turns round HakU plants a chair shot right on the kings fore head which***

Tom: Sprouts into a lovely chair tree...

Seth: Is there a partridge in that chair tree?

Crow: I hear Raven used to play running back for Hak U.

Seth: Aww, hak you too...

***knocks him out. Then RaVen picks up the king and haku gives him a super kick right to the jaw. Then as Haku keeps the medics and security guards out of the ring RaveN plants the king with a DDT onto the chair***

Crow: Anyone else surprised he was able to spell "DDT" correctly?

[Seth raises a hand]

***RaVeN: Now that that is out of the way, Danger Ranger..... On Raw it will be me and you......***

Seth: (RaVeN) ...Stinking up the arena as usual...

***a match for the ages......***

Tom: Ages 4-8...

***my first match....... and your last as WWF Hardcore Champ......Crowd Cheer......***

Tom: He did it again! What a greenhorn!

***Now you may think that you can win this but as i showed you yesterday i can kick you a$$***

Seth: Yeah, kick me some dollars as well, rAvEn!

***any time any place...........SO Ranger you better be prepared for a beatin cos......

[Long pause]

Crow: Because WHAT? Don't leave us hanging! Oh, nuts!

[Tardy as ever, Trey Vincent finally arrives in the theatre.]

Crow: Hey, the wanderer returns!

Seth: Did you get the tape for our Main Feature?

TV: Oh, yeah... prepare for a real treat. Today... the Extreme Championship Federation. A fed so sad, it ripped of its Web site design from Metal Edge Wrestling!

**** **Hardcore TV Intro Plays** Live from The Boneyard in Detriot ****

TV: Ok, we needs us some blatant pussy references. Let's get extreme!

Tom: And Hardcore!

Seth: And stuff.

****Kane: welcome to Sunday Night Hardcore TV.Tonight we have big matches so let's not waste time****

TV: OK (he says getting up to leave the theatre).

Crow: They're already wasting my time just be broadcasting this show.

****Lee: yeah your favorite commentator is back and here for good. Kane: nevermind him let's start the show****

TV: Damn it! (sits back down.)

****Stacy Keibler vs. Lita (ECF Womens) gimmick (Standard Match) Bruce Buffer - This match is a Standard Match for the ECF Womens title.***

Seth: Bruce Buffer? What is this, Failed Gay Porn Star Wrestling?

****On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 150 pounds, from Baltimore, Maryland, Stacy Keibler!!!***

TV: Oh no, another he/she? Why is Stacy always referred to as a him in all these feds? Check her panties.

Crow: I smell a simulator at work, Trey...

****(crowd cheers **************) ****

TV: (Trey yawns************)

****[**Legs** hits and Stacy heads to the ring. ]****

Crow: Later, she gave head to the ringboys, but that's an entirly different kind of lemon.

****Bruce Buffer - and his opponent,****

TV: (Homer Simpson) D'oh!

****weighing in at 175 pounds, from Tijuana, Mexico he holds the ECF Womens title belt, Lita!!! (crowd cheers *****) ****

TV: No gimmick match huh? Just two transvestite, cross-dressing sports entertainerettes. OK.

Seth: I think we need to get Bruce a copy of "Our Bodies, Ourselves" and teach him the difference between "men" and "women".

****[**It just feel's right** hits and lita heads to the ring ready for her match. Stacy tests out the ropes.****

TV: (Stacy) One plus one plus one, equals......?

Ring: ....

TV: (Stacy) C'mon, you know this.

****Lita checks out the ring.****

TV: And thinks it's a little flat for her liking.

****(ring, ring, ring)****

TV: Ring, ding, dong. Ringading ding ding ding dong.

Tom: Gee, when you're on a roll, no-one else can get a riff in, Trey!

****Stacy Keibler pulls Lita's hair. Stacy takes a slap to the face from Lita.****

Seth: The usual five-star technical classic from these two, then.

****Lita moves back to his feet.****

TV: To all the guys who ever thought these two were hot, ECF has a message for you: You're all gay!

****Stacy Keibler trys for a power move but is not strong enough to lift Lita.] John Lee - I wish every match could be like this****

Seth: (John Lee) But then, I'm on some very strong drugs!

****[Stacy bites Lita's arm out of desparation.****

Crow: (Stacy) Mmmm... Tastes like chicken!

TV: Will she become a zombie? Where's my shotgun?

****Lita slaps Stacy Keibler. Lita hits Stacy with the back of his elbow.****

TV: Since it would be far too difficult to cut the flesh, vein and cartilage away from the bone on the front side of *his* elbow to cause some damage in this match.

Crow: I'd like to hit the writer of this thing in the back of their head with the back of _my_ elbow.

****Lita grabs Stacy Keibler's head****

TV: Which one? The one above the shoulders or below the waistline?

Seth: "The Crying Game 2: He Got Legs!"

****and DDT's him on the mat. Now Lita standing. ]****

Tom: Now audience yawning.

****Stephen Kane - I wish every match could be like this! Did you see that last move? John Lee - Yes sir!****

TV: (Drill sergeant) I can't HEAR YOU!

****[Lita chokes Stacy Keibler with his boot. Lita leg drops the throat of Stacy. Lita chants start.****

Tom and Crow: TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF!

TV: (Chanter) In the name of Satan, take this barnyard animal as a symbol of my love to thee.

Seth: Baaaaa.

****Lita goes off the turnbuckle with a flying sommersault splash.****

Seth: NO! I want to see a spectacular, stunning, SPINNING sommersault splash!

**** Lita gets back to his feet. Stacy climbs to his feet.****

TV: In this unscheduled His Feet On A Pole match.

**** Lita takes Stacy Keibler off his feet with a short-arm clothesline Lita climbs to the top turnbuckle and moonsaults onto Stacy Keibler. Lita goes for a pin. Billy Sliverman counts. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]****

Tom; Amd the crowd goes apathetic with esctasy.

****Stephen Kane - Lita has won the match!
Bruce Buffer - The winner of this match, and still ECF Womens champion, Lita!!!*****

TV: Wow, what a great match. Two transvestite cross-dressers in a His Feet on a Pole match. But all the viewers flipped away when they saw it was just a mere standard match. No wonder this fed sucks. And that's only reason one of many I'm sure.

Seth: The night is indeed young, Trey.

**** **Commercial Break** *****

TV: Tonight's show is brought to you by....nobody. Nobody is going to throw away money on this fed.

Seth: Except the owners, that is.

****Mauler vs. Jimmy Buck (Non-Title Match) gimmick (Falls Count Anywhere Weapons Death Match)****

Crow: Hey, someone might die during this match?

Seth: I guess New Jack is in it, then...

****Bruce Buffer - This match is a Falls Count Anywhere Weapons Death Match****

Seth: In case you missed the caption, or the announcement, this IS a Falls Count Anywhere Weapons Death Match. With Weapons. To The Death.

**** On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 265 pounds, from San Diego, CA, Mauler!!! (crowd boos ***)****

TV: Is that a 3-star boo? Does that mean he doesn't have good heat? Are we rating the crowd reaction but not the match caliber?

Seth: It'll save us using up our "DUD" quota for the months

****[**Demonoid Phenomenon** hits and Mauler comes out but the lights are out.****

Seth: (Mauler) Ummm.. does anyone have a torch? A glowstick? A lighter? Anything?

TV: Hmm. A Brawlers on a Budget moment.

****When they come back on he's in the ring.He taunts the crowd which gets him heat. ] ****

TV: (Mauler) You're all jobless pieces of jobless shit in a jobless shitty town with bad sports teams and ugly, smelly, fat faces.

Tom: (Audience member) Yeah, so what's your point?

****Bruce Buffer - and his opponent, weighing in at 234 pounds, from parts unknown, Jimmy Buck!!! (crowd cheers ****) ****

TV: (Golf-type serious announcer) And the crowd gives him a 4. 4.

Seth: Out of 1000.

Crow: You know, there's a Jim Buck Too joke here somewhere, but I'm darned if I can find a way to use it...

****["Down with the Sickness" plays and Steele goes on the stage and looks around.****

TV: (Steele) Damn it, this stage isn't high enough to kill myself if I jump.

Seth: (Jimmy Buck) How 'bout if I push you really hard?

****The camera shows his disfigured face and then out of know wher pyro shoots out from the stage.****

Tom: You can always tell when someone adds their own material to a simulated fed. You know?

Crow: Wher?

****He then gets in the ring and sits in the corner****

Seth: (School Marm) And you'll STAY in that corner, young man!

****Mauler grabs Jimmy Buck's arm and strikes his elbow.****

TV: (Singing) Jimmy Buck corn, and I don't care.

****Jimmy Buck checks his boots. (ring, ring, ring)****

TV: Cute little bells he's got on those boots.

Seth: He's like a little magic wrestling pixie.

****Mauler rakes his fingers across Jimmy Buck's back. ]
Jerry Bradley - Jimmy Buck takes a back rake.****

TV: Whoa, where'd the crack team of Stephen Kane and John Lee go? They were ever so talentless. I miss them already.

Tom: Crack team? CrackHEAD team, more like...

****[Mauler jabs Jimmy Buck. Mauler off the ropes, Jimmy Buck approaches, and Mauler hits him with a clothesline. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck's head. ]

TV: See Spot. See Spot run. See Spot pee. See Spot hump his bitch doggy-style.

****Vince Ross - Jimmy Buck takes a stomp.****

Seth: Vince ross? Did Russo and Ross adopt?

****[Mauler goes for a pin. Mike Smith counts the pin. ...1 Jimmy Buck kicks out. ]
Jerry Bradley - He should have just stayed on the attack.****

Seth: Screw that, he should have stayed on welfare!!

****[Jimmy Buck stands up. Jimmy Buck goes for a backspin DDT/Miavia Hurrcane but Mauler dodges the attack.****

TV: Luckily, the name of the move was so long, Mauler saw it coming. And may I just say, this is such a brutal weapons death match. Man, look at all the blood, sweat and chairs!

Seth: Hey, Trey plugged the federation I'm in? That's a JOLT!

****Jimmy Buck swings garbage can and hits Mauler. Mauler is bleeding as a result.****

TV: Oh brother. Getting busted on a garbage can? Somebody get my cheese grater, I want to see if one of the bots can bleed.

Tom: Hee hee... he's such a kidder!

****Jimmy Buck goes for a Spinning Neck-Breaker but Mauler dodges the attack.****

TV: (Jimmy) Man, maybe I'll just try a punch. It's only five letters, maybe I'll hit the move quicker.

****Jimmy Buck throws Mauler into chair. ]
Vince Ross - This is quality sports entertainment!****

Seth: No, this is repetitive, pointless shit. There's a minor difference, Vince. I'll explain it sometime.

[Trey puts Tom into a headlock and starts grating his head with a cheese grater.]

TV: Yeah, THIS is quality sports entertainment! Will the bot juice?

Tom: AHHHHHHH! Quit it! Crow, HELP!

Crow: Quiet, Tom, this is a scientific experiment.

Seth: You're just lucky you're the control robot, Crow...

****Jerry Bradley - Blood is all over the ring.
[Mauler with a DDT. Mauler throws basket ball at Jimmy Buck.****

TV: Ouch. That's just brutal. They've crossed the line. Orange balls filled with air are NOT cool sports entertainment weapons.

Seth: You know, for a weapons death match, this is really sucking a tremendous amount of suck.

****Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck's head. Now Jimmy Buck standing. Jimmy Buck kicks Mauler in the stomach.****

Crow: Ooh, great transistions, amaziong flow... it's liek Benoit vs Geurrreo! Bravo!

****Jimmy Buck kicks Mauler on the floor. Jimmy Buck puts Mauler in an arm grapevine submission. ]

TV: YAY! My favorite move is back, baby! Woohoo!

****Vince Ross - Jimmy Buck with a arm grapevine.***

Seth: (Vince Ross) This is leathal! Mauler might potentially be bored to death!

****[Jimmy Buck fist drops Mauler on the floor. Jimmy Buck moves back to his feet. Mauler moves back to his feet.****

TV: They should make a frigging movie called "Moving Back To My Feet." It seems to be the next big thing in efeds.

Tom: (Radio DJ) That was Country Jed and The X-Chromosomes with "Moving Back To My Feet Again". Yee-haw.

****Jimmy Buck executes a neck scissors on Mauler. Jimmy Buck chants start.***

TV: Buck Buck, bo Buck, banana nana fo fuck, me my mo muck, FUCK!

****Mauler gets hit with the 720 shooting star press from Jimmy Buck. ****

Seth: Whoa, from an arm grapevine to a double-backflipping moonsault. That's surreal. It's like watching Japanese animation after a beer blast.

***Mike Smith counts. ...1 ...2 Mauler kicks out. ]
Jerry Bradley - OHHHHHHH So close!!!****

Crow: And yet so dull!

****Vince Ross - Jimmy Buck is doing quite well at this point in the match.
[Jimmy Buck pokes Mauler in the eyes. ]
Jerry Bradley - eye poke by Jimmy Buck.****

Tom: (Heavy sarcasm) No, really?

[Jimmy Buck connects with a low blow. Mauler goes down.****

TV: Who will cum first?

****Mauler gets back to his feet. Mauler executes a jawbreakeron Jimmy Buck. Mauler climbs to his feet. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck. Jimmy Buck gets back to his feet. Jimmy Buck executes a jawbreakeron Mauler. Jimmy Buck moves back to his feet.****

TV: Seth, the needle's stuck. I think.

Seth: Yep. But after TWO jawbreakers, Maulers going to be the only thing in this fed that doesn't suck....

****Jimmy Buck puts Mauler in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: Number two!

****Jimmy Buck with the Flying Elbowdrop on Mauler! Mike Smith counts. ...1 Mauler kicks out. ] Jerry Bradley - Jimmy Buck should have known better than to try for a Flying Elbowdrop at this point in the match.****

TV: Yeah, he should have tried a flaming barbed wire table or, I don't know, something that hurts!

Crow: This whole show hurts.

****[Now Mauler standing. Jimmy Buck takes Mauler down with a full nelson faceslam. ]****

TV: I think I've become too jaded by "Celebrity Deathmatch." I really can't get hyped up for death matches anymore. Screw the sports entertainers futures, I want somebody hurt!

Seth: I second that. Hurting the booking committee and creative teams would be a good start.

****Vince Ross - Mauler takes a full nelson faceslam.
[Jimmy Buck moves back to his feet. Jimmy Buck throws Mauler over the top rope! Jimmy Buck swings singapore cane and hits Mauler. Mauler is bleeding as a result.****

TV: OK, so swing singapore cane + Mauler = bleeding. Let's see if we replace Mauler, with Tom, if we have the same result.

[Trey swings a Singapore cane and hits Tom in the head.]

Tom: OW!

TV: Why won't you sell, Tom? Bleed for us.

Tom: Stop it!

****Jimmy Buck measures Mauler up and drops a closed fist.****

TV: Hey, that's MY move. Only I can drop a fist. He is ripping off the Sports Entertainment Icon. I want him dead. I want everyone in this federation dead. I want his family dead. I want his pets dead. I want his ancestors graves pissed on.

Seth: Been there, done that.

****Jimmy Buck moves back to his feet. Mauler gets hit with the 720 shooting star press from Jimmy Buck. Referee Mike Smith makes the count. ...1 Mauler kicks out. ] ****

TV: ECF: We Recycle!

****Jerry Bradley - You just can't win this early in a match. Especially with an opponent like Mauler.****

Seth: ...And no talent.

****[Mauler with an uppercut to Jimmy Buck's chin. Mauler with a superplex off of the top rope. Mauler gets up. Mauler covers Jimmy Buck hooking the leg. Mike Smith counts the pin. ...1 ...2 Jimmy Buck escapes. ]****

Crow: ...To Mexico, where he lives as a grain salesman named "Enrique". The End.

****Vince Ross - Mauler should have known he wouldn't win the match with that.****

TV: (Vince Ross) Didn't he read the script? Dumbass.

****[Jimmy Buck gets back to his feet. Mauler connects with a flying knee. Jimmy Buck goes down. Mauler goes for a pin. The ref starts the count....1 ...2 Jimmy Buck kicks out. ]
Jerry Bradley - Not even close!****

Seth: (Jerry Bradley) ...to being entertaining! Just like last week!

****[Jimmy Buck climbs to the top rope, jumps on Mauler and tornado DDT's him onto the concrete.****

Tom: That could have been a great move, if this match hadn't already slipped into a coma a week ago...

****Jimmy Buck stomps Mauler's head. Mauler stands up. Mauler kicks Jimmy Buck in the groin.****

TV: (Singing) Kicked in the groin, and you're to blame....you give groins, some bad pain.

Seth: Trey Von Jovi everyone.

****Mauler gets thrown into the corner and gets boot choked by Jimmy Buck. ]
Vince Ross - Mauler takes a boot choke.
[Jimmy Buck kicks Mauler in the groin. Mauler delivers a short-arm clothesline to Jimmy Buck. ]****

TV: Will he sign for it? The tension is unbareable. Er, unbearable? How the fuck do you spell that word? Damn it, where's my dictionary.

[He goes out of sight and finds a dictionary under his chair, conveniently enough.]

****Jerry Bradley - Short-arm clothesline by Mauler.****

TV: Damn it! [He throws the dictionary at the screen.]

Seth: Is euthanasia still illegal in Michigan? Bacause someone needs to pull the plug on this match, seriously...

****[Jimmy Buck tackles and begins punching Mauler. Jimmy Buck measures Mauler up and drops a closed fist. ]****

TV: Stop stealing from me! I invented that move! Granted, mine is far more entertaining, but still. I think I'm gonna sue for copyright infringement.

Crow: Wheras I intend suing for mental strees caused by watching Jimmy Buck wrestle.

Seth: Agreed... Someone needs to get the Buck off my TV..

****Jerry Bradley - Mauler takes a Fist drop.
[Mauler gets back to his feet. Jimmy Buck picks up Mauler and hits him with a Back Suplex.
Vince Ross - If Jimmy Buck keeps using moves like that back suplex he could win the match!****

Tom: And a Kewpie doll!

****[Jimmy Buck is back on his feet. They are at the ring entrance!!!! ]

Seth: good, they're leaving and taking their exclamation marks with them...

TV: Speaking of symbol keys, Connie Lingus told me that the % key kind of looks like Steve Studnuts genitals if you're looking up at them.

[The tape suddenly cuts to the Phoenix, Arizona abode of Steve Studnuts. The third member of the iAd is recling on a plush sofa, rehabbing an elbow injury.]

Studs: No, Trey. It's more like, ||||||||||||||||||||||))))

TV: Put that away!

Seth: Did NOT need to see that...

[That tape cuts back to the ECF event.]

****Jerry Bradley - Ha!****

Tom: Ooh, Jerry is using the ultimate commentator weapon... sarcastic laughter! Fear him!

****[Jimmy Buck kicks Mauler on the metal. Mauler is up again. Mauler kicks Jimmy Buck in the back of the leg. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck's head. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck. ]****

TV: Fire bad. Tree pretty.

Seth: Match suck. Mauler boring. Shoot me.

****Vince Ross - Mauler executes a stomp.****

TV: For the crime of boredom. Intense, incurable, apathy.

****[Jimmy Buck brings Mauler up top a table and DDT's him thru it to the metal! Jimmy Buck gets back to his feet. Jimmy Buck puts Mauler in an arm grapevine submission.****

TV: At the worst possible time, but, THREE.

Tom: we're shooting for a record, folks!

****Jimmy Buck grabs Mauler's arm, drops down, and has him in an arm grapevine.****

Crow: WE NOTICED!

****Jimmy Buck fist drops Mauler on the metal. ] Vince Ross - Fist drop!****

TV: THIEF!

****[Jimmy Buck climbs to his feet. Jimmy Buck kicks Mauler on the metal. Jimmy Buck executes the brain buster on Mauler. ]
Jerry Bradley - Mauler really felt that brain buster!****

TV: Because sports entertainment is real.

Seth: Excuse me, but don't you actually require a brain for that move to work? Mauler should be immune...

****[Jimmy Buck throws Mauler into the ring apron. Jimmy Buck swings guitar and hits Mauler. Mauler is bleeding as a result.****

TV: Hmm....[he says, looking at Tom.] A guitar, eh?

Tom: [Hurridly] No, no, not _a_ guitar... just "guitar" He hit him with guitar. Stop looking at me like that!

[Seth picks up a Gibson six-string and strums it.]

Seth: (Sings) This match is like bad literature... It just sounds dumb, if ya know what I mean...

Crow: Seth Von Jovi

****Jimmy Buck hits the flying legdrop across Mauler's neck. Now Jimmy Buck standing. Jimmy Buck with the Flying Elbowdrop on Mauler! Mike Smith counts the pin. ...1 ...2 Mauler escapes. ] Jerry Bradley - Jimmy Buck was so close!! [Jimmy Buck whips Mauler with chain. Mauler is bleeding as a result.****

TV: [He looks at Tom again.] A chain or a guitar....hmmm.

[Seth picks up a duffel bag and looks through its' contents.]

Seth: Hmmm... screwdriver, wrench, pizza cutter, broken bottle. Nope, no chain!

Crow: You got lucky, Tom...

****Mauler picks Jimmy Buck up and side slams him to the concrete. Mauler stands up. Jimmy Buck is back on his feet. Jimmy Buck grabs Mauler's arm and strkes his elbow.****

TV: And the match begins all over again from the start. Man, this is the longest match of all time.

Seth: Sure feels that way...

****Jimmy Buck connects with a flying knee. Mauler goes down. ]Vince Ross - Jimmy Buck with a knee.
[Mauler executes a huge gutbuster on Jimmy Buck. Mauler stomps Jimmy Buck's head. ]****

Seth: Okay, we're reaching new depths of sports dullness here. Even the fifteen bladejobs each man has done aren't helping.

****Jerry Bradley - Follows up with a stomp.
[Jimmy Buck pins Mauler against the ropes and chokes him with his forearm. ] ****

TV: While playing with his foreskin.

****Vince Ross - Jimmy Buck executes a forearm choke.****

TV: (Vince Ross) And a foreskin massage.

****[Mauler low blows Jimmy Buck. Mauler kicks Jimmy Buck on the concrete. ]
Jerry Bradley - Follows up with a stomp.****

Crow; (Jerry Bradley) No, wait it was a kick. Oh, who gives a rats ass, anyway?

****[Jimmy Buck is back on his feet. Mauler forearm smashes Jimmy Buck. Mauler uses a closed fist on Jimmy Buck. Mauler comes from behind****

TV: (Mauler) Ohhhhhhhh. Oh yeah, you fucking piece of trash. Now clean your ass and get the fuck out of my ring.

**** and bulldogs Jimmy Buck. Now Jimmy Buck standing.****

Tom: Could you explain that whole "selling" concept to me again, Seth?

Seth: I could, but I don't think it'll be a factor in the ECF, Tom...

**** Jimmy Buck picks Mauler up in a fireman's carry and flapjacks him. Jimmy Buck stands up. ] Vince Ross - The ECF is the number one wrestling program on television.****

Crow: Yeah, and if you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.

TV: (Vince) Did we also mention we created world peace? And the Internet? Yep, we also invented television.

****[Jimmy Buck fist drops Mauler on the concrete.****

TV: My lawyer is gonna bleed this federation dry. If anybody calls themself a Franchise Player, Sports Entertainment Icon or anything else...they're so dead.

****Now Jimmy Buck standing. Mauler's arm is just being TWISTED by an arm grapevine by Jimmy Buck. ]****

[Trey pulls out a small scoreboard on a pole. He fumbles with a little gizmo and then clicks a switch.]

SCOREBORED: 4.

TV: For everyone who skims, the scorebored is keeping track of arm gravevine submissions.

Seth: Is that what it means? Good, I thought we were going to have to punt...

****Jerry Bradley - arm grapevine by Jimmy Buck.
[Mauler is up again. Mauler executes a huge gutbuster on Jimmy Buck. Jimmy Buck stands up. Jimmy Buck suplexes Mauler thru a table!****

Crow: A magic table that appeared out of nowhere! Isn't this federation amazing?

Tom: No.

****Jimmy Buck gets back to his feet. Jimmy Buck stomps Mauler's head. Mauler stands up. Mauler hits the concrete. ]****

Tom: Personally, I think the concrete had that coming.

TV: Welcome my friends, to the match that never ends, and does more recycling than a clip show.

****Vince Ross - Nice side slam by Jimmy Buck.****

Seth: (Jerry Bradley) You're just making shit up now, aren't you Vince?

****[Jimmy Buck moves back to his feet. Jimmy Buck swings bed pan and hits Mauler. ] ****

TV: And piss and shit is flying everywhere.

****Jerry Bradley - Ha!****

Seth: Did anyone else notice the fact that while the fedhead had the imagination to change the announces last names... he just couldn't be arsed finishing the job?

Tom: Maybe Lawler, Ross and Michael Buffer are trying to deny responibility for this fiasco?

****[Mauler rakes his fingers across Jimmy Buck's back.****

Crow: Hey, he's giving him a sensual massage!

**** Jimmy Buck punches Mauler in the head. Jimmy Buck rakes the face of Mauler in attempt to make a come back. Jimmy Buck chants start.****

TV: Jimmy gets Buck fucked (clap, clap, clapclapclap).

****They are at the ring entrance!!!!****

TV: The only ring entrance in the history of the world that consistenly deserves four exclamation points.

Seth: They've also reached the end on my patience. End, damn you, END!

****Mauler grabs Jimmy Buck's head and DDT's him on the metal. Mauler sucks chants start in the crowd. Mauler gets up. Jimmy Buck is up again.****

Seth: Great, it's like I'm watching the Engizer Bunny Wrestling Federation!

****Mauler kicks Jimmy Buck in the stomach. Mauler puts Jimmy Buck on the turnbuckle and delivers a Emerald Fusion on to the metal.****

TV: NO! He stole my move too! You bastard! He stole Coming Down! But he's calling it something stupid. Oh, you're all on the list now.

****Mauler goes for a pin. Referee Mike Smith makes the count. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]
Vince Ross - We've got ourselves a winner!****

Tom: Thank you, oh Benevolent Creator!

****Bruce Buffer - The winner of this match, Mauler!!!
**Commercial Break** ****

Crow: (Advertorial Announcer) ECF on Pay-Per-View is coming! Over NINE HOURS of armbars and stomping! Order NOW!

***Battering Ram vs. The Hakster (Non-Title Match) gimmick (Standard Match)
Bruce Buffer - This match is a Standard Match.****

Seth: I'm betting the standards will be somewhat low however.

**** On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 220 pounds, from Middletown, New Jersey, Battering Ram!!! (crowd boos *********)****

TV: The crowd must really hate this guy. A 9-star booing. But maybe they're just booing the fed?

****["Again" hits and Battering Ram comes tob the ring.He gets in and waits for his opponent. ] ****

TV: (BR) Damn it, did he stand me up again? This relationship is SO over.

****Bruce Buffer - and his opponent, weighing in at 285 pounds, from Trenton,NJ****

Tom: Two guys from Joisey? Fuggedibouidit!

****The Hakster!!! (crowd boos **********)****

TV: Oh, this crowd is pissed. Not at the sports entertainers, but at this card. That's the only way we can explain a 10-star booing.

****[**Great American Heel** hits and Hakster heads to the ring.He taunts the crowd and even goes to hit a fan.****

Seth: Yeah, you go, Hakster, you naughty man, you! Now push and old lady to the floor and tear up a kids autograph book!

***He gets in and does the hand taunt to listen to the crowd.****

Crow: Wait is he stealing from Hogan? That'll get you over as a heel, all right...

Seth: Yep, originality is running wild in the ECF, brother.

****Battering Ram checks his boots. The Hakster sets up about seven tables around the ringside before the match.****

Tom: Damn, they must have run out of the spontaneously-appearing tables from the last match.

***(ding, ding, ding)***

TV: (Singing) Went the trolley.

Seth: : (Singing) Suck, suck, suck went the match...

Crow: Welcome to Mystery Karaoke Theatre, folks!

****Battering Ram executes a jawbreakeron The Hakster. ]
John Lee - Battering Ram executes a jawbreaker.****

TV: Ah, welcome back the original announcers.

****[Battering Ram climbs to his feet. Battering Ram kicks The Hakster in the****

Tom: (Beavis) ...'Nads. Huh huh huh.

****head. The Hakster moves back to his feet. The Hakster punches Battering Ram in the head. ] Stephen Kane - punch!****

Crow: No

Seth Shit!

TV: Sherlock!

****[The Hakster kicks Battering Ram in the groin. Battering Ram delivers a low blow to The Hakster.****

Crow: Because Mutual Groinal Abuse sells tickets, brother!

****Battering Ram gets snap suplexed by The Hakster. Battering Ram climbs to his feet. The Hakster goes for a flying kick but Battering Ram dodges the attack. Battering Ram trys for a snap suplex but is not strong enough to lift The Hakster.Battering Ram grabs The Hakster's arm and strkes his elbow.****

Tom (Surfer dude) Ow! You hit my elbow, you dick!

**** Battering Ram comes from behind and bulldogs The Hakster****

Seth: If he refuses to sell it, he's definately ripping off Hogan...

****Battering Ram hits The Hakster with an elbowdrop from the second turnbuckle. Battering Ram gets up. The Hakster gets back to his feet.****

Crow: Was that a no-sell? Does Hakster=Hulkster?

Seth: That was inconclusive, your honor. More evidence is required...

****The Hakster nails Battering Ram with a double underhook suplex.

TV: Y'know, if efeds gave fans axes when they entered the building, travesties like this match wouldn't happen.

****John Lee - Nice double underhook suplex by The Hakster.
[The Hakster fist drops Battering Ram on the mat. The Hakster puts Battering Ram on the top rope and executes a superplex. The Hakster is up again. Battering Ram is back on his feet. The Hakster with a huge fisherman buster on Battering Ram.]

Seth: I withdraw the charges, Your Honor. Hakster just executed more moves thatn Hogan has done in the last five years...

****The Hakster is back on his feet. The Hakster locks Battering Ram in the Tongan Death Grip. Battering Ram is about to pass out from the pain.****

Seth: And the humilation of having to sell the Tongan Death Grip.

****Referee Joe Johnson is checking for a tap out. ... Battering Ram trys to escape. ... ... Battering Ram is fighting the hold. Battering Ram escapes.****

TV: But he'll have flashbacks of this moment for the rest of his life.

****The Hakster sends Battering Ram to ringside. Joe Johnson starts the count (.1) The Hakster picks up Battering Ram and hits him with the Death Valley Driver.****

TV: Now they rip off the move Studs invented? Uh oh.

Seth: Jerkweeds.

****The Hakster moves back to his feet. The Hakster stomps Battering Ram Battering Ram takes The Hakster into the ring. Battering Ram trys for a power move but is unable to lift The Hakster. Battering Ram gets back to his feet.****

Crow: He fell over trying to lift The Hakster? Greenhorn Alert!

****Battering Ram trys for a backdrop but is unable to lift The Hakster.****

Tom: What a wimp! He can't lift a thing!

Crow: (Battering Ram) Dude, have you put on weight? Eat a salad for once, you fat bastard...

****Battering Ram climbs to the top turnbuckle and Missle Dropkicks The Hakster. Battering Ram hurricanranas The Hakster and goes for the pin. Joe Johnson counts the pin. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]
Stephen Kane - We've got ourselves a winner!****

Seth: Mericfully short match, too. This card is improving! Not that there was anyway they could have worked a worse match than Buck 'n' Mauler....

****Bruce Buffer - The winner of this match, Battering Ram!!
**Commercial Break**
Mini Bad Boy vs. Nightmare (ECF TV) gimmick (Standard Match)****

TV: Man, this Nightmare character is everywhere. And equally bad.

****Bruce Buffer - This match is a Standard Match for the ECF TV title. On his way to the ring at this time, weighing in at 180 pounds, from East Haven, CT he holds the ECF North American title belt, Mini Bad Boy!!!****

Seth: And we have a new contender for the "Least Menacing Wrestler Name of 2002" contest!

****(crowd cheers *********)
[**Bodies** hits and MBB come out on my Harley while pyro shoots off****

Tom: The disembodied narrator had to lend Mini Bad Boy his motorcycle? How bushleague can you get?

***He then circles the ring and get off and slides into the ring ]***

Crow: Stay in school, kids. This guy didn't, and now his sentaces no coherant structure show they have.

****Bruce Buffer - and his opponent, weighing in at 287 pounds, from back alleys of Death Valley, California*****

TV: The whaaa?

[Seth laughs so hard he slides onto the floor of the theatre.]

Tom: Suddenly, hailing from "WCW Special Forces" doesn't seem quite so bad...

****he holds the ECF International , ECF TV title belts, Nightmare!!! (crowd boos *)
["enter sandman" hits and the lights go out and a single blue strobe illuminates the ring. Nightmare appears in a cloud of smoke.****

TV: Somebody call the pigs, he's smoking some Mary Jane. Nothing else makes a cloud of smoke like that.

Tom: And you would know this, how?

TV: I take the Fifth.

Seth: You toked the fifth? Hey, I bought the fifth!

****MBB places Nightmare on the turnbuckle and executes a front-layout suplerplex.****

TV: Putting the English language out of its misery. Can I be next?

****Nightmare drops MBB with a Gorilla Press Slam on the mat. (ding, ding, ding) MBB rakes the face of Nightmare in attempt to make a come back. Nightmare kicks MBB in the stomach. ]
John Lee - MBB takes a kick.****

Crow: Nice commentary, John... you're really earning your paycheck tonight!

****[Mini Bad Boy climbs to his feet. MBB trys for a dragon screw but is unable to lift Nightmare.****

TV: Can we please get the losers in this fed some steroids so they can do some different moves? What weak little bastards.

****MBB executes a ropeflip hiptoss on Nightmare. Nightmare moves back to his feet. Nightmare plants Mini Bad Boy thru a table with a Rock bottom!****

Seth: Approriate, as this federation has _reached_ rock bottom in terms of sheer entertainment value.

****Nightmare kicks MBB on the mat. ]
Stephen Kane - Nightmare with a stomp.****

Seth: Can we get Mr Kane a dictionary, please. He keeps confusing kicking with stomping, and it's beginning to piss me off!

****[Nightmare stomps Mini Bad Boy.****

Seth: Oh, my mistake, he was turning psychic on us...

**** Nightmare stomps Mini Bad Boy.****

TV: What did he do? I missed it the first four times you said it.

****Mini Bad Boy is back on his feet. Mini Bad Boy trys for a belly-to-belly suplex but is not strong enough to lift Nightmare****

Crow: Well, he is only a little Bad Boy, after all....

Seth: (Sings) Mini Bad boy, Bad Boy... watcha gonna do?

***Mini Bad Boy uses a closed fist on Nightmare. MBB gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Nightmare.***

Tom: Oh, NO! We're re-living the Match From Hell! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

****Nightmare goes for a pin. Mike Smith counts the pin. ...1 ...2 ***

Crow: (The Count) TWO pins! Ah-ha-haaaa!

***Mini Bad Boy escapes. ]

John Lee - Nightmare should have known he wouldn't win the match with that.****

Seth: (John Lee) But that unfortunate brain injury is still affecting his judgement.

****MBB climbs to his feet. MBB gets suplexed by Nightmare. Nightmare stands up. Mini Bad Boy climbs to his feet. Mini Bad Boy trys for a belly-to-back suplex but is unable to lift Nightmare.****

TV: Ugh. Did these guys learn to wrestle under....um.....hey guys, who can't sports entertain for shit?

Crow: Stevie Ray!

Tom: Meng!

Crow: Kronik!

Seth: Neige 13!

All: WHO?

Seth: Never mind...

****Mini Bad Boy gets picked up and dropped with the fireman's carry by Nightmare. Mini Bad Boy climbs to his feet. Nightmare places MBB on the turnbuckle and executes the top-rope DVD! MBB is down.****

Seth: DVD! MBB! Tonight on NBC!

****Nightmare tombstones MBB into the mat. Nightmare slaps on an ankle lock submission! There's no telling how long MBB will be able to hold ou *****

TV: I think the detached narrator just passed out.

****Referee Mike Smith is checking for a tap out. ... ... MBB trys to escape. ... MBB escapes. Nightmare kicks Mini Bad Boy on the mat. Nightmare kicks MBB on the mat. MBB executes the jumping sidekick on Nightmare.****

Tom: Oh, great he killed the Boy Wonder!

****Nightmare is up again. Nightmare plants MBB thru a table with a Rock bottom!****

Seth: I thought the tables were _outside_ the ring? Are they migrating, or what?

****Nightmare is back on his feet. Nightmare stomps MBB's head. Nightmare kicks Mini Bad Boy on the mat. Nightmare goes for a pin. The ref starts the count. ...1 Mini Bad Boy escapes. ]
Stephen Kane - Nightmare should have known he wouldn't win the match with that.*****

TV: Whoever wrote this shit should know it's not at all entertaining. But who are we to say who should know what?

***[MBB stands up. Nightmare executes a neck-breaker on Mini Bad Boy. Now Mini Bad Boy standing. MBB knifehand chops Nightmare. MBB trys for a dragons screw but is unable to lift Nightmare.****

TV: Ugh. Ever heard of a gym.

****MBB trys for a belly-to-back suplex but is unable to lift Nightmare.****

TV: Failure. Loser. Leave my TV screen now! And don't come back til you can play the game with the big boys.

****Nightmare piledrives MBB into the mat. Mini Bad Boy gets up. Nightmare superplexes Mini Bad Boy from the top rope through a table! Nightmare is back on his feet. Mini Bad Boy is back on his feet.****

Crow: Audience is back in the boredom-induced coma.

****Nightmare kicks Mini Bad Boy in the head. Nightmare stomps Mini Bad Boy's head. Nightmare sets Mini Bad Boy up on the top rope, then he powerbombs him onto the mat! Nightmare goes for a pin. The ref starts the count. ...1 ...2 ...3 ]
John Lee - Nightmare has won the match!****

Tom: (John Lee) He retains his titles, and gets to eat Bad Boys liver!

****Bruce Buffer - The winner of this match, and still ECF TV champion, Nightmare!!!
**Commercial Break**
Metal Militia vs. Metamorphosis and Brian Lesnar vs. Pyro and Fury vs. Shadow and Nail (ECF Hardcore Tag Team) gimmick (Hardcore Match)
Bruce Buffer - This match is a Hardcore Match tag match for the ECF Hardcore Tag Team titles. On there way to ring at this time, Metal Militia!!****

Seth: Who are Hardcore. In case you were wondering.

****["Metal Militia" hits and the lights dim and arena flashes blue while Daddy Death and Death Trap appear in the ring in a cloud of smoke ]****

TV: Man, maybe everyone here sucks so bad because they're all stoned.

****Bruce Buffer - and their opponents, the team of Metamorphosis and Brian Lesnar.***

Seth: Who are also Hardcore. And Extreme.

****[**Painesville** hits and Metamorphosis and Brian Lesnar head to the ring. ]
Bruce Buffer - team number three is Pyro and Fury.
[They head to the ring and wait for opponents ]***

Crow: And these guys?

Seth: Hardcore. Very Hardcore. And Extreme. And Sabu-cidial, too.

****Bruce Buffer - and their final opponents, Shadow and Nail.****

Seth: Damn, I'm out of similies for "Hardcore". Where's that dictionary, Trey?

TV: Just call these guys XXXtreme and Groin-Grabbingly Lucha-Super-Suicida Ay-Yi-Yi Hardcore!

****[Shadow and Nail enter ring. Nick Patrick is the referee for this match. Death Trap checks his boots.****

Crow: (Death Trap) Yup. Them's boots all right! Purty.

****Brian Lesnar checks his boots.****

Tom: (Brian Lesnar) Psst! Dude, why are we checking our boots?

****Fury drops****

Seth: ...Some acid, wanting to _really_ enjoy this match!

****Shadow with a Gorilla Press Slam on the mat. Shadow checks his boots.

TV: (Shadow) Damn it, these aren't mine! Fuck this match, I've got to go find my boots!

****(ding, ding, ding) Fury punches Death Trap repeatedly.****

Seth: (Fury) Stop checking your boots, Death Trap!

Crow: (Death Trap) But thems' real purty, Fury. Hur.

****Death Trap tags in Daddy Death. Daddy Death punches Shadow repeatedly.****

TV: Repeat after me: ECF repeatedly repeats moves repeatedly.

Tom: ECF repeatedly repeats moves repeatedly.

****Shadow comes from behind and bulldogs Daddy Death. Shadow is back on his feet. Shadow stomps Daddy Death. ]
John Lee - Shadow with a stomp.
[Shadow stomps Daddy Death. ]
Stephen Kane - Shadow executes a stomp.
[Shadow stomps Daddy Death's head.***

TV: I repeat: ECF repeatedly repeats moves repeatedly.

Tom: ECF repeatedly...

Seth: Found it!

[Seth cuffs Tom with a bunched-up chain.]

Tom: OW!

****Daddy Death is on the ground, OH!!! Shadow just pulled off a 450 splash. That's gotta hurt!****

Seth: It's sad day when the disembodied narrator blows away the commentary team like that...

****The ref starts the count. ...1 Daddy Death kicks out. ]
John Lee - Shadow should have known better than to try for a 450 splash at this point in the match.****

Crow: Why? It worked, didn't it?

Seth: Don't try bringing logic into this thing, Crow. It's too little, too late.

***[Daddy Death is up again. Daddy Death kicks Shadow in the stomach. Daddy Death stomps Shadow's head. Daddy Death grabs Shadow and applies an arm wrench. ]
Stephen Kane - Daddy Death executes a arm wrench.****

TV: And Stephen Kane executes the basic rules of grammar. While the ECF executes the rules of entertainment.

****[Brian Lesnar brings in Metamorphosis for Metamorphosis and Brian Lesnar.****

Tom: WHAT? Does anyone in this federation speak English? Hello?

****Shadow climbs to his feet. Shadow executes a back breaker on Daddy Death. ]
John Lee - back breaker!
[Shadow and Daddy Death move from ring to crowd ]****

TV: He did it for the space and the taxes are lower there too.

****Stephen Kane - Shadow's momma would be proud! ****

TV: Not for nothing, but Shadow's momma is so stupid, she sits on her TV and watches the couch.

****[Metamorphosis executes a piledriver on Daddy Death. Daddy Death is locked in the half Boston by Metamorphosis. Nick Patrick asks Daddy Death if he quits. ...****

Seth: (Daddy Death) Trust me, the moment my contract expires, I'll quit alright! I'll be off like a newlyweds' nightgown!

****Daddy Death trys to escape. ... Daddy Death trys to escape. ... Daddy Death trys to escape.****

Seth: Stop playing with the projector, Comabot...

Coma: POINK!

TV: Trey Vincent tries to hold down his vomit.....tries to hold down his vomit.....fails....*BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH*

****Daddy Death escapes. Shadow piledrives Daddy Death. Shadow locks Daddy Death in that boston crab.****

Tom: Not just _any_ Boston Crab... but _THAT_ Boston Crab!

****Referee Nick Patrick is checking for a tap out. ... ... ... ... Daddy Death is fighting the hold. Shadow breaks the hold. Shadow throws Daddy Death into chair.****

Crow: THE chair! _A_ chair! Pick a prefix, you tit!

****Daddy Death is bleeding as a result. Shadow stomps Daddy Death's head. Now Daddy Death standing. Daddy Death jabs Shadow. ]
John Lee - jab!****

TV: *BLAAAAAAHHHHHHHH*

[Daddy Death executes a jawbreakeron Shadow. Shadow stands up. Shadow takes Daddy Death down with a knee. ]
Stephen Kane - Shadow with a knee.

Seth: Stephen Kane: Master of the Perfectly Bleeding Obvious!

****[Shadow stomps Daddy Death. Shadow stomps Daddy Death. Shadow kicks Daddy Death on the wet cement.****

TV: And then writes DD luvs Shadow.

Tom: When did this match move to Manns' Chinese Theatre?

****Daddy Death gives Shadow a DDT thru a table! Daddy Death moves back to his feet. Shadow stands up. Daddy Death gives Shadow a reverse neckbreaker.****

TV: (Shadow) But I really wanted a pony! [Stomps his foot.]

****Daddy Death goes for a pin. Referee Nick Patrick makes the count. ..1 Shadow kicks out. ]
Stephen Kane - Daddy Death should have known he wouldn't win the match with that.****

TV: I didn't know they made efeds on record albums anymore.

Seth: (Hungarian) I will not buy this e-fed. It is scratched.

****[Shadow gets back to his feet. Daddy Death takes Shadow down with a knee. Shadow takes Daddy Death up to the top rope and powerbomb's him thru a table!****

Seth: Please let that be the finisher!

****Shadow climbs to his feet.****

Seth: FUCK!

****Shadow kicks Daddy Death on the wet cement. Shadow suplexes Daddy Death. Shadow chants start. Fury throws Metamorphosis over the guardrail and into the crowd. Fury throws Metamorphosis back in the ground.Fury and Metamorphosis move from ring to aisle****

Tom: ...Do-si-do, alamein left, alamein right and form a square. Yee-ha.

**** Fury picks Metamorphosis up in a fireman's carry and flapjacks him. Fury stands up. Fury clotheslines Metamorphosis. Fury sucks chants start in the crowd.****

TV: Yep, the fans are furious about this show sucking so bad.

****Metamorphosis gets locked in the double chicken wing.****

Crow: Extra-crispy wings, too! Yummy!

****The referee is checking the situation. ... (AHHHH!) ... ...****

TV: Awww, are the paranthesis afraid of the periods? They've got them surrounded.

****Metamorphosis is fighting the hold. ... ... ... Fury tightens the hold. ... Fury tightens the hold. ... ... Metamorphosis is fighting the hold. ... Metamorphosis is fighting the hold.****

TV: I'm fighting my returning nausea.

****Metamorphosis taps out. ]****

Ssth; YES! YES! All rihght!

TV: If I did that, would the match have ended? Although, I don't tap out for anybody.

****Bruce Buffer - The winners of this match, and new ECF Hardcore Tag Team champions, Pyro and Fury!!!
Kane: what a tag team match.Pyro and Fury really deserved the win***

Seth: But not as much as they deserve to suck Rikishi's ass for that dullness display...

***Lee: great show
Kane: we will see you next Thursday for Hardcore TV.***

Tom: The hell you will...

**END OF SHOW**

Seth: The MST cast fights the end of the show... the MST cast fights the end of the show... the MST cast fi...

[Fade Out]


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