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iAd vs. UWF (MST3K 1.7)

Shut up! That's why!

DISCLAIMER: No, we don't have permission from the UWF to use their card in this MST. Or work for Best Brains, Inc. But we're not getting any money for doing this, and we're actually nice guys if you buy us a couple of beers, (Well, I am at least... I've never met Leary in person, but I'm guessing he's a nice guy too.) so no harm, no foul, huh? Cool. -Skeeter and Leary

[A crowded city street.]

Trey Vincent: Taxi!!!

[Tires squeal. Or was that a pig? Must've been tires. THUD! Oh GOD! A taxi just hit a pig! A pair of car doors open and slam shut. Horns blare as traffic comes to a halt.]

Yokel: Aww, I reckon I shouda dun put up the gate of my pickup truck.

Cab driver: You are a stupid, stupid, man!

Yokel: What's yur point, fella?

[The cab driver is stumped.]

TV: Excuse me geniuses. I need a ride to the SOL. And you know what THAT means.

Yokel: Uh, no, I don't.

Cab driver: Nope. Sorry bro.

TV: Damn it. Listen, I need you to drive me. My Nissan Pathfinder (he looks at the camera) the sweetest ride you'll ever find in an SUV. Nissan: Driven! (He returns to looking at the idiots.)

Yokel: Wuz that a cheap plug?

TV: Bet your ass. Listen, my Nissan is in the shop getting some new wheels, so I don't have my ride. I need one of you two idiots to get me where I need to be. And I really don't want to ride with a bunch of farm animals.

Yokel: Hey man, no one rides with my farm animals less they pay me.

TV: You their pimp or something?

Yokel: Yeh.

TV: Cabbie, clean the pig brains off your bumper and let's go.

Yokel: Don't we needs to schange names?

TV: No! Your pig is dead. Go buy a new one. Make some hot dogs or something. Scrape him off the street and let's go.

[A few minutes later. The back seat of the cab.]

TV: Man, I have the worst luck when I try to get to these MSTs on time. They'd never believe me. Ah well. I wonder what they're up to (he says moving his hand to his chin, as if for a transition)....but before I wonder (he says, putting his hand back on his crotch)....I have something to say to all the regular iAd viewers.

TV: Tonight, we are going to try and see just how funny Seth and the bots really are. Sure, they've had to deal with bad spelling, horrible grammar and extremely lame dialogue. But tonight, Trey Vincent is going to perform a little experiment. He's going to give them the most entertaining tape in the history of this program. Which, granted, isn't saying much. But let's see just how funny the boys are when the bookers can actually string together a sentence....once in a while....

TV: OK. Now, I wonder what Seth and the bots are up to. (He begins scratching his chin and we transition to.....

[The SOL. Seth and the bots are clustered around an aging, flickering arcade machine. The faded lettering identifies it as "Top Gun: The Game".]

Tom: Look out, Seth... critics are on your six! Flash them a brilliant smile to avoid their biting sarcasm!

Seth: That was close!

Crow: Too close! Oh, no! A new, even cheesier draft of the script is incoming! Use you Incredible Sexual Magnitism!

Seth: I don't have a button for that!


Seth: D'oh! There goes my last life, and any chance of a sequel!

[Trey arrives. He seems.....giddy.]

Seth: Hi Trey... What are you up to?

TV: Me? Nothing. *Snicker* Are you all ready for some unentertaining, incoherant crap? *Snickersnicker* Did I mention I like to eat Snickers candy bars? Cheap plug number two! Oh yeah. Who's the man? TV, goddam! All these endorsement deals are gonna pay me someday.

Seth: Fine... let's watch some crap, boys... we got WRESTLING SIGN!

[Doors. Six of them. Theatre. You know the drill. The lights dim as Comabot rolls the tape.]

****Universal Wrestling Federation****

TV: UWF is a proud member of the 13 Family, thus making our MST almost incestuous!

Seth: Lucky it's not the Universal PICTURES Wrestling Federation or else it'd be 3 hours long and go over budget to boot...

***Saturday Showdown****

TV: Ah yes. It's Saturday Showdown! Rumor has it that rejected show names included Sunday Suckfest, Monday Mucho-crapo, Tuesday Trash, Wednesday Waste-o-time, Thursday Tear-Inducer and Friday Filler. But, as far as originality, this show title is right up at the top with Mayhem, Voltage, Havoc and Massacre.

Tom: Yeah, why can't there be a few more original wrestling shows? Exploding Unicycle Monday?

Crow: Thank-God-It's-Not-WCW Friday?

Seth: There's No Place Like Thursday. There's No Place Like Thursday.

****(Open scene inside the Birmingham Jefferson Civic Center a.k.a. the B.J.C.C. Arena.****

TV: BJ. Bwahahaha. CC. Haw haw!

Seth: (Beavis) Huh huh huh... Jefferson.

****A show of pyro erupts as the UWF Showdown theme blares over the speakers****

Crow: Ahh, the death metal version of "Tiptoe Through The Tulips", no less... classy!

****as the 20,756 fans in the arena are to their feet and cheering for their favorite UWF superstars. We then set at ringside****

TV: Where does the salad fork go?

****with the announcers Jerry Fountain and Laura Daniels.)****

Seth: I think I saw the Jerry Fountain once... it's in Munich!

****Laura: Jerry we are live in the hometown of the UWF World Heavyweight Champion, Jeremy Diaz,****

TV: And strangely, no one gives a crap.

****and what a great event we have set for here tonight.
Jerry: Amen to that Laura.****

Crow: (Jerry) TESTIFY!

TV: (Laura) You know I'm a Satan worshipper, how dare you!

****Jeremy is set to go one on one with his former friend Sykotic in one of the most intense matchups to date.****

TV: A flaming barbed wire poker up the ass match.

Seth: AGAIN? Geez, how many of THOSE have we seen recently?

****Laura: We will start things tonight with a little one on one action between Jamal Butler and The Tiger.****

Seth: Jamal AND the The Tiger? It's the re-birth of The Stereotype Wrestling Federation!

TV: I'd love to go for a little one on one with Laura. Or any chick for that matter. I'd walk up to her and say, "How you doin'?" Then I'd say, "You have a face that should be on TV. Did I mention my initials are TV?"

Tom: Yeesh...

****Jerry: That's right...Kerry, take it away.
(Things go to Kerry Turner as she pulls her mic to her lips.)****

TV: Oh, to be that microphone.

Crow: Steady, Trey.. "Things" may be going to Kerry, but not _those_ things...

****Kerry Turner: Ladies and gentlemen, the following matchup is scheduled for one fall and it is a standard matchup.****

Seth: I hate it when they say that. A "Standard" matchup sounds so... well, standard.

****First to the ring...The Tiger!!! ("Tear Away" by Drowning Pool blares over the speakers as Tiger makes her way down the aisle with the usual evil grin on her face.****

Seth: Oh, wait... it's _not_ the STWF... unless the Tiger had some elective surgery done on himself...

****She enters the ring as "My Speshulty" by Speshul Effect blares over the speakers.****

Tom: I'd assume thats a typo, but then I'm not up on current bands... It comes from being trapped on this DAMN DIRTY SATELLITE!

Crow: Steady, Tom, steady...

****Jamal Butler makes his way down the aisle with a black mask on and matching cloths.)****

TV: Are those table cloths? Now that's a unique style.

****Kerry Turner: Making his way to the ring from New York, he is the Master of the Void...Jamal Butler!!!****

Crow: He's the Master of Nothing? Okay...

TV: The ladies used to call ME the master of the void. But then...well...damn it, I am so horny right now.

****(Jamal enters the ring as he and Tiger stare each other down from opposite sides and the bell sounds.)
Jerry: Its time for Jamal to show us if he can hold his own against a woman.****

TV: Ah yes, and after he "holds his own" against her, watch the sexual harassment suit roll in. Now doubt we'll head toward Crap-in-bag-gate 2002.

****Laura: HA! I'm sure he won't have a hard time. But Tiger is something else.****

TV: He's neat-o!

Crow: And keen!

Tom: And nifty!

Seth: And... something.

****(The two lock up in the middle of the ring as Jamal uses his strength to shove Tiger back. Tiger shoots up to her feet and goes after Jamal again who lays her down****

TV: And slowly begins to caress her breasts ever so gently.

Tom: Wow, this match is getting good!

****with a right hand under the jaw. Tiger shoots back up and received another shot.****

Tom: Sniper in the rafters!

***She then shoots back up to her feet and ducks a third shot from Jamal Butler****

Seth: It's like the Gunfight at the O.K Corral here!

****before grabbing him between the legs and squeezing hard.****

Crow: (Tiger) How do _you_ like it, bitch!

TV: Rolling around with a woman will make you hard. Assuming you ain't a feyg.

****Jamal jumps up and down in pain unbearable****

Seth: Pain unbearable. Match average. Send money. Love, Seth.

****as Tiger holds on tight. Jamal finally manages to rake the eyes of Tiger as she staggers away while releasing her hold on Jamal's testicles.****

TV: Testicles! Bwahahaha. This show is so good! So many sex references. I swear I'm in heaven.

Seth: I'm just surprised you haven't tried to equate a Tiger with a Pussy yet, Trey...

TV: D'oh! How can I miss such blatant Pussy references!

****Tiger than turns around as Jamal meets her with a hard punch to the chest.****

TV: Oh baby. Her fun punching bags.

****Tiger falls to the mat holding her chest****

Crow: I bet Trey wishes _he_ was doing that...

****as Jamal bounces off the ropes before nailing a senton splash on the chest of Tiger.****

TV: It's breasts, not chest. When dealing with a chick. Or tits. Or headlights. Or rack. Or...help me out guys....

Tom: Not after that whole "Sued By The Catholic Church" thing a few MSTs ago... I'm not taking on the National Council for Women for you, Trey...

****He then makes a cover. 1,2, shoulder up!)
Laura: Both superstars seem to be going for private parts in this matchup.
Jerry: Only Tiger's are right there and easy to get to.****

TV: He hasn't gone for the cookie jar though. That's a little bit harder to get at.

****(Jamal then pulls Tiger back up to her feet before nailing her with a forearm to the side of the head.****

Seth: (Tim Taylor) I think we'll need eight-inch nails for this job. More power! *grunt grunt grunt*

****He then whips her to the ropes before going for a clothsline, but Tiger ducks it before nailing Jamal with a reverse elbow to the chin on the return. Tiger than makes a cover of her own.****

Crow: She's making stuff? When did this turn into a quilting bee?

****1,2, strong kick out by Jamal that sends her to the outside of the ring. Tiger regroups****

Seth: (Tiger) Legs... 2. Check. Breasts... 2. Check. Okay, I'm done...

****before sliding back into the ring only to be met with stomps to the back from Jamal. He then grabs her up before going for the ghetto twist.****

TV: Hey bartender! Gimme what he's drinking. That sounds good.

****Tiger shoves Jamal off as he bounces off the ropes only to be nailed with a karate chop to the gut which causes him to do a complete front flip to the mat.****

Tom: Jamal is selling better than half-price Tai-Bo videos! Bravo!

****Tiger than drop a mongolian chop to the gut of Jamal as he lays on the mat.****

Seth: HEY! That was a plain old North American chop _disguised_ to look like a Mongolian chop! I want my nickel back!

****Jamal is in pain****

Tom: So is the audience...

****as Tiger bounces off the ropes and goes for an elbow drop, but Jamal rolls out of the way and to his feet. As Tiger gets up shaking the pain from her elbow****

Crow: The ref trips on the pain, and kicks it out of the ring.

****she is met with the Ghetto Twist from Jamal****

Seth: (Jamal) Make mine a double, bartender!

****who makes a cover. 1,2,3!)
Kerry Turner: Here is your winner...The Master of the Void...Jamal Butler!!!****

TV: And yes, kids, in case there was any doubt, men are superior to women. In the ring and out.

****(Jamal's music hits as his hand is raised in victory. He then leaves Tiger lying in the middle of the ring****

Seth: (Blues-style singing) I got me a lying woman... and she makes me feel so bad...

Crow: Sing it, Seth!

****and heads backstage as we go to Laura and Jerry.)
Jerry: What a match that was.****

Tom: (Laurua) Yes, it was a match, wasn't it?

Crow: (Jerry) It was.

****Laura: Yes, and the younger brother of the former UWF Champion, Complicated, takes the victory.****

Seth: Jamal and Complicated... I guess their parents were doing the _good_ drugs...

****Good job for Jamal.****

TV: I think Tiger did the job, but I could be wrong. She must not have done the right kind of 'job' backstage to get the win.

****("Halo" by Soil hits the speakers as the lights dim and Criss Angel emerges from the curtains.****

Tom: Halo, Criss!

Seth: Criss Angel? Cough, cough, hack, hack, RIPOFF!

****He then heads down the aisle and enters the ring.)****

Crow: Traditional, though dull entrance...

****Kerry Turner: This next matchup is a standard match...Making his way to the ring from Augusta, Maine...Criss Angel!!!****

TV: Wow, I think Kerry Turner is incredibly stoned. Criss is already in the ring ya dumb chick. Either that, or Criss walked through a worm hole or has one of those teleportation thingees.

Seth: (Mr Spock) Preparing to beam up the jobber, Captain.

Tom: (Kirk) Energize, then skin a Tribble for me... my toupee needs replacing.

Crow: Wait, he walked all the way from Maine for this match? I take that back, that's a HELL of an entrance...

****(Criss sits in the corner and awaits the arrival of Slew as "Walk" by Pantera hits the speakers. Slew comes walking****

TV: Ewww.

****from the back with his UWF Tag Team Title around his waist as Criss Angel stands up from the corner and waits for him.)****

Tom: According to most English teachers, run-on sentances are usually bad, unless they're very descriptive and this one was, so I think we'll let it pass...


Seth: Oxygen to theatre 1, please...

Kerry Turner: And his opponent, from Jacksonville, Florida...He is one half of the UWF Tag Team Champions...Slew!!!****

TV: If this were BOB, or written by Vince Russo, Slew would be from Seattle and wear a horse suit to the ring.

****(Slew enters the ring via bottom rope and is met with an arsenal of stomps****

Crow: (Beavis) Huh huh huh... arse...

****to the back of the head from Criss Angel. The bell sounds as Criss Angel grabs Slew up****

Seth: Change my flue up... grab my Slew up!

****by the hair before attacking him with loud chop after loud chop. The chops echoe through the arena as Criss Angel shoves Slew into the corner.****

TV: The crowd is incredibly WCW-like tonight. Dead.

Tom: But that's okay, because Criss is Cross...

***He then begins open handed chops on the chest of Slew****

Seth: It's SuperChopManiaCade 2002!

****as the loud pops are heard clearly throughout the arena.****

TV: But no cheers or boos were heard there. The thief of crowd reaction strikes again.

****While doing this he begins to scream. "Who am I!?" "Who Am I!?")****

TV: A loser! A loser!

Seth:(Angel) Where am I? Where are my pants? Where's Waldo?

****Laura: This Criss Angel guy is very intense.
Jerry: Tell me about it.****

Crow: (Laura) I thought I just did?

****Slew will think twice before disrespecting this kid again.
(Criss Angel then whips Slew out of the corner and into the ropes. He then meets him with a sidekick****

Crow: (Angel) Say "halo" to my little friend, Robin!

****to the throat as Slew bounces off the ropes. Criss Angel then makes a cover. 1,2, kick out. Criss gets up and gets into the ref's face as Slew gets to his knees.****

TV: God, this is such a gay sport. What the hell am I doing here. I think I need to leave this business. It's just WRONG.

****He then shoves the ref while pulling Criss Angel towards him to deliver a low blow and get away with it.****

Seth: Because getting DQ'ed for hitting someone in the 'nads would be SO lame...

Tom: And in the "Attitude" era of wrestling, nigh-near impossible...

****Criss Angel is slowed down by this as Slew backs up before giving him a clothsline over the top to the outside of the ring.)
Laura: The action has spilled out here in front of us Jerry.
Jerry: Duh!****

Tom: Ouch! What a devastating zinger from Jerry!

****I just wish Criss Angel would get up and beat Slew's ass!****

TV: (Laura) No, we've got to save that for our big Pay-Per-View, Butt Bongo Bananza 2002.

Seth: Oh, yeah, Trey... You're far too cultured to be wasting yourself in pro wrestling...

****(Slew goes to the outside of the ring as Criss Angel pulls himself up using the announcer table.****

Seth: (Angel) Will you people cheer for me? What do you want, blood?

Crow: That'd be a start...

****Slew then grabs Criss by the hair before slamming his head on the table. He then grabs****

Tom: His crotch for an unexpected Michael Jackson impression...

****Criss before slamming him head first into the steel post on the outside of the ring. Criss goes to the floor on the outside as Slew begins to taunt the crowd.****

Crow: (Slew) I'm bad! I'm bad! You know it, sch'mon!

TV: The cardboard cut-outs just stare back at him.

****He then grabs Criss up from the ground before rolling him into the ring. Slew then gets on the apron and flips a fan off in the front row of the crowd.****

TV: (Slew) Screw you cardboard fan!

***Slew makes this mistake long enough for Criss to get to his feet and nail Slew with a shoulder to the gut through the middle rope.****

Seth: Trey, this card is actually bordering on "Not-Horrible"... we better get to the crap soon, or you're in _big_ trouble!

TV: (M.J.) Teehee.

****Slew is staggered a bit as Criss then grabs him and lifts him over the top rope before nailing a brainbuster in the middle of the ring! Criss Angel then signals for the end of the match****

Tom: ...With the classic "Where's my check?" guesture...

****before grabbing Slew up and whipping him to the ropes, but Slew counters it and tosses Criss into the corner.****

Crow: Criss must be a vegetable, because he got tossed like a salad! It's busting loose in Moosebutt!

****Criss hits the turnbuckle and staggers towards Slew who kicks him in the gut and goes for the Pain Killa,****

TV: Does he have the remote control? Cuz that would end my pain.

**** but Criss powers his way out of it with a backdrop. Slew pops up****

Seth: ...Requiring him to have a cold shower before the match can continue.

****to his feet only to be met with a kick to the gut followed by being picked up over the shoulder of Criss Angel. Angel then drops Slew down into a piledriver with an amazing move!)
Jerry: WOW! What was that? ****

Crow: (Laura) The Lobotmizer!

****Laura: He calls it the Fall from Grace.****

TV: And the crowd is doing....nothing!

Seth: Must be ex-ECW fans... better get Sabu out here to maim himself...

****(Criss Angel then hooks the leg of an unconcious Slew for the 1,2,3.)****

Crow: Cha, cha, cha!

****Kerry Turner: Here is your winner...Criss Angel!!!
("Halo" hits the speakers as Criss Angel rolls to the outside of the ring****

Tom: Guess the X-Box isn't as popular as we thought if people are throwing the games around like that...

****and heads up the aisle. Showdown goes to a commercial.)****

Tom: C'mon down to Crazy Earls House of Waffles! Our prices are undergoing extensive therapy! Poink!

Coma-Bot: POINK!

Seth: Don't encourage him, Tom...

****[A commercial airs advertising the UWF's next official ppv in "Parental Advisory".]****

TV: (Announcer) Warning: Apathy may become incurable when watching the UWF.

****Laura: We're back folks and it is now time for us to view Jack Duncan going one on one with Chris Hero.****

Seth: Chris Hero? I take it he's a face, then?

****Jerry: Chris Hero is an idiot Laura. Did you see him claiming that the World Title is his to take.****

Crow: (Jerry) ...Out to dinner and a movie... and then, maybe he and the World Title will get horizontal, you get my drift?

Seth: There's an image I didn't need...

****That has to have been the funniest thing I've ever heard.****

TV: I haven't heard one funny thing tonight, other than our usual wit.

****However it was nowhere near the humor of Jeremy Diaz's response.****

TV: (Jerry) Which was nothing I care to repeat for the people who usually don't watch us. Screw you fans, they don't pay me enough to work in this hell-hole!

****(Jack walks out to Kill You by Eminem as he hears no response from the fans****

TV: Who have all drunk Clorox and are nothing but corpses. Clorox: It'll clean your ass out! And there is cheap plug number 3. Where's my Scorebored?

Tom: Over here, Trey... You might need to clean it a little, we've been using it to take pizzas out of the oven.

**** he then rolls in the ring and stands up.)****

Seth: Please let it be a standard match... I love those!

****Kerry Turner: This next match is a standard matchup.****

Seth: YES!

****Making his way to the ring...Jack Duncan!!!
(Hero Of The Day by Metallica blares over the arena as Chris Hero then sprints down to the ring, he slides into the ring and the match begins.)
Kerry Turner: And his opponent...Chris Hero!!!!****

Crow: Kerry's timing is a little off today...

[Trey sets up the Scorebored and wipes the mozzeralla off it. He clicks the button-thingy to get it up to 3.]

TV: If only we had an arm gravevine submission....my day would be complete.

Seth: Can do, Trey...

Tom: Get off me!

****(Jack Duncan and Chris Hero are standing in the ring looking at each other eye to eye.****

TV: (Jack) You have really pretty eyes.

Seth: (Chris) You have really pretty lips. Wanna kiss, big boy?

[Tom and Crow edge sideways in their seats.]

****The fans are having nothing to do with this match****

TV: Being dead and all.

****as they begin to deliver rights and lefts to each other.****

TV: Once they can't afford any more shipping costs....

****Chris Hero then kicks Jack in the nuts****

Seth: That's direct and to the point...

****and delivers a Piledriver. Chris Hero then rises to his feet,****

Tom: I, the Amazing Rando command you to rise! Rise, I say!

****he runs off the ropes and jumps up and gets a huge leg drop on Jack Duncan. The referee begins to count 1****

Crow: Not surprisingly, counting to one doesn't take him too long...

****2 Kick out by Jack Duncan. Chris Hero then hops up to his feet and looks around****

Seth: (Hero) Are these fans even ALIVE?

****he then climbs the top rope, he signals to the fans****

Seth: (Hero) WAKE UP, you bums!

TV: (Dead fan) ...

****and jumps off landing a huge splash. He then goes for the cover again 1 ,2 kickout. Chris Hero then gets to his feet, he sits on Jacks face and then farts.****

Seth: Interesting tactic...

TV: He who farts on another's face nose what he's doing.

****Jack Duncan squirms but then quickly falls limp)
Laura Daniels: Thats some stinky shit ****

[Trey falls out of his chair laughing.]

****Jerry Fontain breaks out the gas mask and puts it on.
(Meanwhile back in the ring, Chris Hero is stomping the living hell out of Jack Duncan he has Jack in the corner as he stomps the hell out of him.****

Crow: Is he stomping the hell out of him? It's difficult to tell. Yes, yes he IS stomping the hell out of him! That's hell-stomping, all right!

****Chris then brings Jack to his feet and goes for a Suplex, he then front Suplexs Jack on the ropes as Jack flips out of the ring and onto the floor****

Seth: This is so weird... it's badly described, though has a lot of potential. Damn you, Trey, you said you were bringing some _real_ crap over!

****Chris stands up as the ref gets to a count of 5 Chris runs off the ropes and jumps high over the top rope, he misses Jack Duncan landing on a few fans.****

Crow: That'll learn 'em for not cheering!****Jack gets to his feet and looks at Chris who is being mobbed by the fans****

TV: Only if you consider corpses falling on you being 'mobbed.' Hey, what did the Ethiopian say to the skeleton that fell on him?

Crow: What?

TV: Get off me, you fat bastard!

****he pulls Chris out of the mess only for him to poke Chris in the eye.****

TV: That's one part of the body even I would never poke. Oh......he didn't mean it like that, did he? My bad.

****Chris stumbles back as Jack rolls him into the ring, Jack slides in and looks around he taunts to the fans****

Tom: (Jack) You're the ugliest corpses I've ever seen!

****as Chris gets to his feet Jack turns and sees Chris Hero on his feet ,fully loads his right foot ****

Crow: The booker appears to have a foot fetish...

****and lands a superkick right on Chris Heros jaw.)
Jerry Fontain(still wearing the mask): Man.. that was almost as loud as his farting.****


****Laura Daniels: Word.****

Seth: (Laura) ...To your mother!

[Trey falls out of his chair again. He tries to say something, but it can't be made out.]

****(Jack Duncan then lifts Chris Hero up over his shoulder and hits The Drunken Driver!****

Tom: Bwahahahaha! Drunken Driver... I get it!

****He rolls Chris over for the cover. 1. 2. 3.)
Kerry Turner: Here is your winner...Jack Duncan!!!****

Crow: ...Donuts!

[He holds up a smaller version of Treys scoreboard and clicks it to "1"]

****Laura Daniels: Well thank God thats over.
Jerry Fontain: Yeah.. but is the smell over?****

TV: Can a smell be 'over'? Can a smell get heat? Can entertainment be included in the same sentence when speaking of the UWF. These are just some questions that we may never know the answer to.

Tom: Actually, the answers are no, no and no.

TV: Damn it. Seth, where's your bag o' plunder?

Seth: Tom hid it...

****("Cocky" by Kid Rock hits the speakers as Chris Davis enters the ring area****

Seth: What is it with all the Chris's in this federation? Was it buy one Chris, get another free month at "Jobbers-'R-Us"?

****with the North American Championship around his waist.)
Kerry Turner: This next match is a non-title matchup...****

Crow; (Kerry Turner) ...A STANDARD non-title match-up, I might add...

****Making his way to the ring form Halifax, Nova Scotia...He is the North American Champion...Chris Davis!!!****

TV: He ain't MY champion.

****(Chris enters the ring as "Crowd Killa" by High and Mighty hits the speakers.****

TV: Very fitting song title for this place. Yes fans, come see the UWF Tour Of Death. Nothing beats the experience of a dead UWF show!

****Lunatic emerges from behind the curtains and runs down the aisle, wasting no time in getting to Davis.)****

TV: (Lunatic) Take me lover.

Seth: (Chris Davis) Uh. Okay.. Where, dude?

****Kerry Turner: And his opponent..From-****

Tom: (Kerry Turner) ...AwthehellwithitNONONOTMYFACE!

****(Kerry is quick to get out of the ring as the bell sounds and Davis and Lunatic go at it. Chris Davis battles Lunatic with numerous right hands to the side of the head.****

Tom: Luckily, he brought the Family-sized Box O' Right Hands...

****Lunatic battles back with kicks to the gut of Davis. Davis backs up a bit as Lunatic bounces off the ropes before nailing Davis with a clothsline across the throat. Davis goes down****

Seth: ...On Kerry Turner, hoping to get _some_sort of crowd reaction.

****to the mat as Lunatic goes to drop an elbow, but Davis moves out of the way. Lunatic hits the mat hard as Chris Davis waits for him to bounce back up before tripping him up by the legs and dropping a knee to the groin of Lunatic!****

TV: This incoherant mess of spots has been brought to you by Ex-lax. Ex-lax is the only explanation for all this shit!

[The Scorebored goes to 4.]

****Lunatic rolls around the ring as the ref gets into Davis's face.****

Tom: Peering out through Davis's eyesockets, he proceeds to drive him around like the Powerloader from "Aliens".

****Davis shoves the ref away before going after Lunatic who surprises everyone with a small package roll up.****

Seth: (Monotone) This is my surprised look, with Gratuitous Peoples' Eyebrow... "8>0

****1...2...Davis barely kicks out!)
Laura; Oh my God! Lunatic was so close to pulling one off on the NA Champion!
Jerry: Close is too small of a word to use Laura.****

TV: (Laura) Sorry, is nearness better? That's eight letters! Oh, how about approximately? That's 14 letters.

****Laura: Although that gas mask is enough to discourage me, I must agree with you.****

Crow: He's still wearing the gasmask? Shouldn't his commentary sound like "Mmmpfh mmmpfh mumble mrph, Muara"?

****(Davis sits in disbelief at what ALMOST happened as Lunatic struggles to get to his feet.****

TV: (Lunatic) How do these damn legs straighten out again?

****Chris Davis waves the whole thing off****

Seth: (Sings) Well, you say Asai, amd I say Asashi...

Crow: (Sings: You say Sushi, andI say Sashimi..

Tom: (Sings) Asai, Asashi

Trey: (Sings) Sushi, Sashimi..

All: Let's call the whole thing off!

****before going to end things with Lunatic who counters and all of the sudden is ready to nail the Lightout! Chris Davis spins out of this and nails the Idolizer out of nowhere before going for the cover. 1,2,3!)****

Tom: Gee, the match was shorter than our song!

****Kerry Turner: Here is your winner...Chris Davis!!!!
(Davis grabs his NA Title before rushing to the back before Lunatic can get up or any Dynasty members can rush to the ring.) ****

TV: Too late. Here come the Carringtons!

****Laura: Ok Jerry. The smell it gone.****

Seth: (Yoda) The grammer it bad. Bite us you will.

****You can take the mask off now.
(Jerry pulls the gas mask from his face and takes one breath of air before quickly slipping it back on.)
Jerry: You lying bitch!
Laura: I wasn't lying, and don't call me a-
Jerry: Shutup you're ugly!!!****

TV: Does somebody need a time out? I hate people who call women bitches.

Seth: (To Trey) Shut up, bitch...

****(Laura just ignores Jerry before speaking on.) ****

TV: Speak on bitch!

****Laura:It is not time for the Hardkore Title matchup folks.****

TV: OK, why are you telling me this, you lying bitch?

Tom: Stop bitching and moaning,Trey...

****This will be nothing pretty.****

TV: In contrast to the rest of the show?

****(The cameras go backstage as Creature and Spaz are seen brawling backstage.****

Crow: Creature vs. Spaz? It's like a 50's B-Movie taking on "Freaks and Geeks"...

****They are in the area where the production crew is working as Creature is slamming Spaz's head into tables and other equipment in the back.****

Seth: The writers short-term memory is getting so bad he's describing the locations twice in one sentence now...

****Creature goes to give Spaz a powerbomb through a table, but Spaz back drops him through the table! Spaz is walking away with the Hardkore Title in hand****

Crow: Is there some rule that states that it's more EXTREME when you spell "hardcore" with a "K"?

Seth: Yep. It's related to the "Moves are more devastating if you say they're "FROM HELL!", Crow...

****when he is suddenly superkicked in the jaw out of nowhere! Complicated appears onto the scene****

Tom: YES! I, The Amazing Rando just made Complicated appear!

****as he hooks the leg of Spaz. The referee that Creatue brought with him begins the count. ****

TV: Ah, I see the UWF has it's own original 24/7 rule. Good to see originality is as alive as the fans.

****1,2,3. "Ante Up" by M.O.P. hits the speakers as Complicated takes the title and begins to celebrate to himself.)****

Seth: ...Resulting in three obscenity charges.

****Laura: Complicated comes onto the scene and takes the title when Spaz was about to get away with it.
Jerry: Smooth move by the former champion.
(Creature crawls out of the rubble****

TV: Next week on Insomniac Movie Theatre: "The Creature That Crawled Out of the Rubble!!"

****of the table as Complicated turns towards him. He drops his newly won Hardkore Title to the ground just to measure Creature up for a superkick. He is about to hit the kick when he is turned around by none other than Tiger who has a trashcan lid.****

Tom: ...Nun chuks, a kendo stick, a housebrick, three chairs and a leather-bound anthology of romantic poems.

Crow: And in her _other_ hand...

****She smacks Complicated over the head with it as Complicated isn't even phased.****

Seth: (Complicated) You hit like a girl, bitch!

****She then hits him again as Complicated then grabs her arm and pulls her into an overhead belly to belly suplex. Tiger flies into some speakers and such and is out of it.****

TV: Man, I remember when my dad threw me into some such when I was 10. That stung like a mofo.

****Complicated begins to laugh at her until he is grabbed from behind and nailed with the Abyss on the concrete floor!!!****

Tom: HEY! Hitting someone with an overblown James Cameron epic is illegal!

Seth: Lucky it wasn't the original script of "Titanic", or Comlicated could have been killed!

****Creature then hooks the leg of Complicated as the ref counts. 1,2,3!)
Jerry: Now Creature takes the title. Isn't this interesting? ****

TV: Umm....

Tom: Should we put that to a vote?

****Laura: Yes it is.****

TV: Thank you Mrs. Stepford.

****Jerry: Since these losers can't go for the richest prize that they think deserve, they have to go after the easiest belt in the UWF.
Laura: If you choose to put it that way, then yes.****

Tom: (Jerry) Laura?

Crow: (Laura) Yes, Jerry?

Tom: (Jerry) Bitch! Ha ha!

****(Creature grabs the title and is set to make a break for it when Jamal Butler rushes onto the scene with a kendo stick in hand.****

Seth: (Austin Powers) Judooooo... chop!

****He smacks Creature over the head before removing his mask from his face. He then grabs Creature up and nails the Ghetto Twist on the concrete floor before making a cover of his own. 1,2,3!****

TV: Gee, I hope they're setting up a 20-minute time limit, 100 title change match at the next pay-per-view. That would be great.

****Jamal gets the title, and gets to his feet only to be hit with the Spazmatic out of nowhere. Spaz then covers Jamal for the pin count****

Crow: (Dustin Hoffman) I count 4,327 pins. I'm an excellent driver. I'm not wearing my underwear.

****before grabbing the Hardkore Title and setting to exit the area when suddenly Raziel Lucifer appears.****

Tom: Yes, the Devil appears because I, The Amazing Rando commanded it!

****Spaz gets the fear of God in his eyes****

Seth: He looks at Lucifer and gets the fear of God? Irony is so ironic sometimes...

****as he backs up and away from Raziel. Raziel stalks him before suddenly turning to a recovering Complicated and grabbing him by the throat. As Raziel gives Complicated a chokeslam into some technician equipment,****

Tom: ...The Undertaker prepares yet another gimmick infringement lawsuit!

****Spaz is rolled up with a school boy rollup form Creature as the ref counts.*****

TV: Meanwhile, we are bored stupid by a stupidly boring show. Did I mention it was boring?

****1,2,3! Creature grabs the title up and smacks Raziel in the back of the head with it before making a break for it with the title in hand.)****

TV: (Chris Berman) He could, GO, ALL, THE way!

****[The fans cheer loudly as "Rain plays throughout the arena.****

[Seth opens an umbrella]

****Creature has made his way to the stage and raises the UWF HardKore belt high with one hand. The fans erupt but suddenly, "Rain" is silenced. A few moments later, "Kill You" begins to blare throughout the arena, followed by a flood of boos.]****

TV: Damn it, call the plumber. I got boo all over my shoes. Which are Lugz, by the way.

[Scorebored = 5.]

****Jerry:What the- Creature is the new UWF HardKore Champion, but he may have his first challenger right now!
Laura: It's Jack****

Crow: Daniels!


[Duncan saunters out onto the stage, holding a mic and with an evil grin on his face. He walks right up to Creature and stops, directly in his face. He raises the mic to speak.]****

Crow: (Jack Duncan) Man, Creature you have _such_ bad breath! Mentos?


TV: It's so much more entertaining when they talk without microphones though. At least with that there's the challenge of lip reading.

****Jack: I'm only gonna say this once, and if you don't give me what I want, your ass is dead.****

Seth: Jack Duncan _IS_ "The Boston Ass-Strangler!"

****[Creach peers at Jack, who reaches out and places one finger on the HardKore title over Creature's shoulder.]
Jack: Gimme that belt.****

Crow: (Creature) Sure, here you are... whoa! Nearly got me there, Duncan...

TV: (Creature) I crawled out of rubble to win this title.

****[Creature turns his head slowly and glances at the title, then returns his gaze to Jack. He suddenly snatches the mic from Jack, whose eyes widen with anger.]****

Seth: (Creature) You forgot to say "please"...

****Jerry: Oh boy! Here we go!
Laura: This is gonna get real bloody, real fast.****

Seth: Yeah, real bloody awful...

TV: (Laura) Why? Because the crimson tide just came in and I'm out of Tampax. (TV) And that's cheap plug 6. Though I highly doubt I could sell that product.

[Scorebored clicks to 6.]

****[Creature returns Jack's stare while he speaks.]
Creature: You want this belt? You want to go with me, right here, right now, for this belt?****

TV: Why doesn't anyone ever want to wait til another time in some other place?

Seth: Because you feel stupid staring someone down and yelling "I'll fight you anytime but not right now, anyplace that's mutually convient, if that's okay with you, punk!"

****[Creature pauses and looks around. The fans are on the edge of their seats with anticipation.****

TV: Or rigor mortis.

****Creature nods his head and turns back to Jack.]
Creature: No. Cause I've got a better idea.****

Tom: (Creature) Let's make cookies!

****[Jack sneers and grabs the mic back.]
Jack: It better be DAMN good.
[Creature smirks and reclaims the mic.]
Creature: Oh yeah, yeah it is. I said that I had a special challenge for you, remember?****

TV: Oh no. Not a Special Olympics lumberjack match. Those never work out.

****Yeah, you remember. And here it is.****

Seth: (Creature) I challenge you to eat six cream crackers and whistle the National Anthem!

****I say that it is you and me inside a steel cage at Parental Advisory. And because I have this title right here, I say it is on the line. What do you say? One match, one fall, one title-****

Crow: ...Three turtle doves, two french hens and a partridge in a pear tree...

****we end this rivalry right then and there at the Pay-Per-View.
[Jack snatches the mic.] ****

TV: (Butt-head) Snatch. Huh-huh-huh.

****Jack: A steel cage match? With you? You're on. I like that.
[The fans erupt into ****

TV: Flames, as most are in Hell right about now.

****cheers, but suddenly fall quiet as Creature frowns and takes back the mic.]****

TV: Wow, this is being simulcast in Hell and we've got the feed! Sweet!

***Creature: Whoa, whoa, whoa...did I say steel cage?****

[Comabot rewinds the tape.]

All: Yes, you did!

****No, no, no...I meant a steel cell- as in Hell in the Cell!
[The fans pop again,****

TV: As the Devil uses his pitchfork.

**** this time rocking the building to its very foundation.]****

Tom: It's the Big One! Grab something and hold on!

Seth: That'll teach them to hold an event at the San Andreas Colliseum.

****Laura: Jack vs. Creach, Hell in the Cell, at the PPV?
Jerry: This is huge!****

Crow: (Laura) I've seen bigger, Jerry... now zip it up!

Tom: (Jerry) Bitch!

****[Jack grins and nods, then one more time grabs the mic.]****

Seth: Y'know, most feds can afford a second microphone... but not this one!

****Jack: Hell in the Cell...that's even better.****

TV: Glad to see such an original gimmick match too. Everyone rips off everything from the WWE. Or me. But it's worse to rip me off.

****[Jack throws the mic down and Creature raises the HardKore belt. Jack begins to walk off back through the curtain, and Creature turns to the fans and poses for a moment, when all of a sudden- Jack returns!****

TV: Did he die or something? This plot is so damn confusing. Otherwise, I'm gonna have to write the bookers up for exclamation abuse.

****Duncan charges back out, clutching a huge red wrench!****

Tom: At least we _hope_ it's a wrench...

****He rushes right up behind Creature and nails him in the back of the head with it, sending him crashing to the stage. Jack stands over Creach and suveys his damage, then picks up the mic from the ground and speaks.]****

Seth: (Duncan) Is this thing on? Why is the crowd so quiet? Are we playing to the hearing impaired tonight? Hello?

****Jack: You see...I could take your title right now, but I'm going to let you make it to the PPV. Think about that.
[The show cuts to commercial as "Kill You" begins to play.]

TV: Think about what? Yeah, that's teaching him. Let him KEEP his title. That'll learn him.

****[Do you suffer from homosexual thoughts ? Do you picture yourself being with another man or women ? Do you actually lay in bed at night having fantasies about having sex with one of your own kind ?****

TV: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whaaaa?

Crow: Is this a multiple choice question?

****Well you dont have to go through that anymore. Introducing a new formula made up in sweden by a group of doctors. BYQUIL ... sleep your homosexual fantasies away. If your suffering and want to be gay free overnight ,then make sure to get to your local drug store and pick up some BYQUIL... Sleep those homosexual fantasies away!!!!] ****

Seth: That was the greatest advert in the history of television...

TV: I'm speechless. But I do dream of having sex with Swedish lesbians. And I sure as hell don't want to risk those going away.

****Jerry: Welcome back from that commercial break. And if i could explain what the hell happened before we went.****

TV: How about explaining your advertisers?

****I would. But since i cant. I wont.****

Tom: (Jerry) And you can't make me!

****Laura: Right Jerry... you made alot of damn sense.****

TV: When, exactly?

****Well, it is now time for the first main event of the night.****

TV: First? Damn it!

Crow: Double your pleasure, double your fun...

Seth: I used to have braincells, but now I got none!

****Jerry: TV Title matchup.
("Now or Never" by Dope hits the speakers as Matt Ozman makes his way down the aisle.)****

Seth: He's an Oz man? G'day, Matt! Strewth, corker, she's a little beauty, right mate?

Crow: Trey, Seth's speaking in tongues! Call an exorcist!

****Kerry Turner: This next matchup is for the UWF Television Champion...Making his way to the ring...One of the challengers...Matt Ozman!!!!
(Matt enters the ring and stands in a far corner****

Tom: It's not far enough, I can still see him.

****as "Hero" by Chad Kroager hits the speakers. Nutz makes his way from the back.) Kerry Turner: Making his way to the ring weighing in at 258 pounds...Nutz!!!!****

TV: My nutz only weigh about 10 pounds.

Seth: Nutz? That's politically incorrect these days... He should be called "Sanity-Deficient"!

****(Nutz and Matt Ozman stand in corners far from each other as "Sober" by Tool begins to blare over the speakers. The fans jump to their feet****

TV: As Satan makes the flames go higher. See? Every show should have crowds from Hell. It makes the show so much more entertaining.

**** as Crave makes his way down the aisle with the UWF Television Title around his waist.)****

Seth: Cmmm.. Crave? Change his name to Craven and he could team up with Maven and Raven.

Tom: Booking by Dr Suess...

****Kerry Turner: And now making his way to the ring..He is the UWF Television Champion...Crave!!!! ****

TV: I'm the only television champ that matters. And I sure as hell don't need a title to prove it.

****(Crave enters the ring before handing the title to the ref as the three men circle the ring eyeballing one another.)
Jerry: This is going to be good Laura.
Laura: You can say that again.
Jerry: This is going to be good Laura.****

[Seth gives Jerry a rimshot on a conviently-placed drumkit.]

****Laura: I wasn't serious.
Jerry: Shutup!****

TV: Ya dumb lying bitch. Is he still wearing the gas mask? What's the status of that angle?

Tom: Comatose and waiting for someone to pull the plug, Trey...

****(Finally Matt Ozman and Crave lock up as Nutz intercedes knocking both men to the mat. Nutz then battles Crave back into a corner with numerous right hands before whipping him to another corner. Crave is heading to the corner when he is met with a spin kick to the throat from Matt Ozman.****

Seth: AHHH! I want to say something dryly sarcastic, but the match is average-to-okay right now! I'm going to get you for this, Trey...

****Ozman then hits a high elevated dropkick to the chest of Nutz.****

Crow: Chestnutz!

Tom: (Sings) ....Roasting on an open fire...

****Crave is back up to his feet as Ozman turns right into a clothsline from the TV Champ.****

Seth: (Clint Eastwood) Right turn, Clyde...

****Ozman rolls to the outside of the ring to regroup as Crave grabs Nutz up and whips him to the ropes. Crave leapfrogs over Nutz, and then nails him with an arm drag take down on the return.****

Crow: Grapevine submission coming up!

****Crave locks in an arm bar after this as Nutz is in lots of pain.****

TV: Y'know what's good for lots of pain? Cocaine! Oh wait, I mean, uh, Bayer asperin! Guess I can't sponsor cocaine, now, could I. Um, ha, ha. Yeah.

[Scorebored turns to 7.]

****Matt Ozman slides into the ring and nails Crave with an ax handle smash to the back of the head as Crave releases the hold. Ozman and Crave then begin to trade punch with neither man backing down from the other.****

TV: Ah, this is a barter match. No selling is going on, but there is a lot of trading.

****Nutz then gets into things with a clothsline to both men. Crave goes to the outside of the ring while Ozman bounces back from the ropes. Nutz kicks him in the gut before going for Nutz and Bolts.****

Seth: That's the move where he kicks his opponent in the Nutz and Bolts for the locker room...

****Crave is getting on the apron of the ring as Ozman shoves Nutz off of him, and right into Crave. Crave flies and drapes his neck over the barrier on the outside after bumping heads with Nutz.****

Tom: At least he didn't bump nuts with...

Seth: Tom...

****Nutz backs up right into Ozman who turns him around and nails the Gimmick Killer!!!****

Crow: But, as Nutz doesn't appear to _have_ a gimmick, it fails to work.

****Ozman then makes a cover while hooking the leg as the ref counts. 1,2,Crave pulls the ref out of the ring.)
Jerry: Crave just barely saved his title in that situation Laura.****

Tom: (Laura) Shut up, bitch!

****Laura: And it seems to have helped him out big time.
(Crave then slides into the ring as Ozman goes after him. Crave responds with a low blow that the ref doesn't see before tossing Ozman to the outside of the ring. Nutz staggers to his feet and is a bit out of it****

Seth: Mixed Nutz?

****as Crave locks in Craving the End.****

TV: Yeah, really gay sport. I don't want to know about a guy craving another guy's end.

****Nutz is tapping like a madman, but the ref is on the outside of the ring checking on Ozman.****

TV: When will those silly refs learn?

****Suddenly a figure jumps through the crowd. He slides into the ring and smacks Crave in the back of the head with a title belt.)
Laura: What the hell is Master doing here!!!???****

TV: A miserable attempt at plot development?

Seth: Well, since Doctor Who was cancelled, the poor guys' got to work somewhere... Even a Timelord has to eat!

****Jerry: Crave wants the US Title...I guess Master is letting him look at it.****

Crow: Crave must have eyes in the back of his head, in that case...

****(Master then rolls Nutz atop a knocked out Crave as the ref slides into the ring. He begins to count, but is pulled out of the ring by Ozman as Master is heading up through the crowd once again.****

Seth: (Master) My work here is done! Nutz will win, so long as I leave quickly without looking back! Nya-ha-haaaa!

****Matt Ozman then slides in before pulling Nutz up and nailing him with the Gimmick Killer once again. The ref gets into the ring as Ozman makes a cover on Nutz. 1..2...3!!!)****

Tom: Cover your nuts, Ozman!

****Kerry Turner: Your winner and NEW UWF Television Champion...Matt Ozman!!! (Matt Ozman gets the title and heads up the ramp while embracing it****

Crow: Awww, he just wanted a hug! Aint that special?

****as the cameras go backstage to Jeremy Diaz's lockerroom. He is sitting and watching the monitor with the UWF World Heavyweight Championship around his waist.)
Jeremy Diaz: That over-weight sumo wrestler!****

TV: (Jeremy Diaz) What a poopoo head.

****I hope Crave whoops his ass! He just caused the Dynasty and Crave a title!****

Seth: "Jeremy Diaz: Exposition For Hire!"

****(Crave comes walking into the room and holding his head****

Tom: And his Nutz...

****with a pissed off look on his face.)
Jeremy Diaz: Ready to make our presence felt?****

TV: (Crave) Is it time for our suicide pact?

****Crave: Yes I am. Where the hell's Lunatic?

Crow: (Crave) I need to borrow some Excedrin for this headache...


****Jeremy Diaz: Had business to take care of.
Crave: Master's bitchass. I'm going to kill him!!!****

Seth: What's with the obsession with killing asses in this federation?

****(Jeremy and Crave head out of the lockerroom as the cameras go the ring.)
(Unholy by Kiss blares over the arena as the fans begin booing The Master

TV: (Fan in Hell) The only Master is Satan!

****he walks out from behind the curtain and heads down to the ring with the United States Title over his shoulder)
Kerry Turner: The following is a non-title matchup...****

Tom: (Kerry Turner) ...So why the hell it's after one of our main events is anyones' guess...

****Making his way to the ring..He is the UWF United States Champion..The Master!!!
Jerry: Master should be scared to come out here after screwing over a Dynasty member like he did.****

Seth: I don't think I've ever screwed over a Dynasty member... I did once screw on a bridge over the River Thames, though...

Crow: Whoa, too much information!

****Laura: Master won't back down from anything or anyone Jerry.
Jerry: Because he's stupid.****

Tom: (Jerry) ...And a bitch!

****(Master slides into the ring as he stands up.****

TV: And the laws of physics have finally been broken.

****Just then, some freaky music plays****

TV: Is that "The Right Time" by the Hoodoo Gurus?

Seth: Only if they're playing it backwards...

****as Master just waits in the ring.. Jasc Johnson then crawls out from under the ring,****

Seth: He could form a tag-team... Johnson and Nutz!

Crow: Or he could align himself with The Master...

TV: Let me guess... Masters and Johnson?

****he then slides in and dropkicks Master in the back of the leg! Master falls down as the bell rings, Jasc gets to his feet and bounces off the ropes, he then jumps up high and lands a big splash onto The Master. Jasc hooks the leg****

Crow: Johnsons' a hooker?

****1. 2. Master sends Jasc flying through the middle rope to the outside. The 400 pounder gets to his feet slowly as Jasc gets onto the apron, he climbs up to the top and comes off with a missile dropkick!****

Tom: A Flying Johnson? It's like amatuer gay porn. here...

****Master lands hard as Jasc goes for the pin once again 1. 2 Master sends him flying once again!****

Seth: He's racking up the Frequent Flier miles...

****Jasc rolls back into the ring.. Master gets to a knee as Jasc comes off with a big dropkick right to his knee.****

Seth: We are the Knights who Say...

Everyone: NI!

Seth: Fetch me a shrubbery!

****Master then falls on his back once again.. Jasc stands up.. he runs off the ropes and delivers an elevated Elbow Drop to the sternum of Master.)****

Crow: Of course, The Master is so fat it's like elbow-dropping a Bouncy Castle...

****Laura Daniels: Jasc Johnson is coming off strong.
Jerry Fontain(still wearing the mask): Laura who is your daddy?****

TV: Random comment much?

****(Jasc Johnson then stands up, he runs off the ropes once again but Master is quick to his feet. He grabs Jasc by the throat and delivers a vicious Chokeslam!****

TV: (Police officer on bullhorn) You're gonna have to leash that chokeslam or I'm gonna confiscate it.

**** He then signals to go up top.. he makes it to the middle rope already starting to break.. he then tries to go up top by the rope breaks off and Master comes crashing down to the mat.****

Seth: Oh my God! This cheap-ass fed makes BOB look like the WWE!

****Jasc Johnson then gets to his feet quickly Master gets to a knee. Jasc Johnson then hooks Master and lands the Full Throttle! He rolls Master over and hooks the leg tight, 1| 2 3!)****

Crow: We! Don't! Care!

****Laura Daniels: What a win for Jasc!
Jerry Fontain: .. no comment.****

TV: Or talent.

****(Things go backstage as Sykotic stands by with Mike Holman as Jasc Johnson heads up the ramp.)
Mike Holman: Sykotic. You are about to go out there in front of Jeremy Diaz's hometown and attempt to defeat him for the-****

Tom: Sub-Junior Extreme Hardkore Cruiserweight Televison Title FROM HELL!

****(Sykotic cuts Mike off.)
Sykotic: Attempt? Attempt shouldn't even have came out from your mouth.****

Seth: (Sykotic) Neither should the word "chardonnay"... It makes you look fruity!

****I will leave this arena with the UWF World Heavyweight Championship. There's nothing anyone, especially Jeremy, can do about it. Now get out of my way!****

TV: (Singing) She's gonna make it after all!

****(Sykotic pie-faces Mike Holman while shoving him back as the cameras go back to the ring.)
Jerry: That insecure little jerk thinks he'll win something. HA!
Laura: Who are you to say he won't win tonight?
Jerry: Someone who, unlike you, ISN'T UGLY! Now shutup!****

TV: Is he blind? I'd bang Laura in a second. Of course, I'd bang a snake if you held its mouth open.

Seth: Whoa, WAY too much information there...

****(Laura quiets as "Revelation" by D12 hits the speakers. Sykotic makes his way from the back to boos from the fans.)
Kerry Turner: The following is MAIN EVENT of the night****

Seth: (Kerry) It standard match. I no use good England. But what problem? Yur.

****and it is for the UWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!! Making his way to the ring from Toronto, Ontario...He is the challenger...Sykotic!!!****

Crow: And the crowd goes... to the concession stand.

****(Sykotic enters the ring and awaits the arrival of Jeremy Diaz when suddenly "#1" by Nelly hits the speakers and Micheal Mathers makes his way from the back with a smile on his face and mic in hand.)****

Seth: Good Lord, they must have run out of puncuation... thta's the longest run-on sentence I've seen in weeks!

****Mike Mathers: I've taken a keen interest in this matchup, and I will be at ringside to make sure it all goes correct and well.****

TV: Gee, that's awfully swell of him.

****(Mathers then walks to ringside and pulls up a chair at the commentary table.)
Jerry: How are you today President Mathers?
Mathers: Do me a favor and get off my scrotum.
Jerry: Right away sir.****

TV: Eww. This is so gay.

[Seth is laughing too hard to respond.]

****Laura: Interesting match it is Mr. Mathers...Why do you have such an interest in Jeremy Diaz as of late?****

TV: (Jerry) And when's your long overdue reign as World Champion?

Tom: (Mathers) Bite my sctorum, bitch!

****Mathers: He's my World Champion..He holds MY

Crow: (Mathers) ...Scrotum

[Seth slides off his chair in mild hysterics.]

****World Title. Why wouldn't I be interested in what he does?
Jerry: True.
("7 Sign" by Bizzy Bone feat. Majesty hits the speakers as the fans all jump to their feet and Jeremy Diaz makes his way down the aisle with the UWF Championship around his waist.)****

TV: So boring. Everyone wearing their titles. Why not carry it and be cool. Or over their shoulders. Man. Next time I have some gold, I'm gonna be holding it up high and shoving it in every loser's face in the crowd. It could take a while, but, I'm worth it.

****Kerry Turner: And now making his way to the ring from BIRMINGHAM, ALABAMA (*BIG POP*), He is the UWF World HEavyweight Champion...Jeremy Diaz!!!****

Tom: Ouch, Kerry really trailed off a little early there... the HEAvyweightawwhocares...

****(Jeremy enters the ring before taking the title off and posing on the turnbuckle to an eruption of cameraflashes form his hometown crowd. Sykotic just stands off to the side with a smirk on his face as Jeremy hands the title to the ref for him to raise into the air.****

Seth: Throw ya titles in the air! And wave it around like you just don't care!

****He then signals for the bell to start this matchup.)
Mathers: I'm surprised Sykotic didn't try and tear into Diaz right away.
Laura: You and everyone else.***

TV: Yeah, that's EXACTLY, what I was thinking. That, and about how much booze I'll have to drink to forget this. And did I mention I drink Budweiser, King of Beers!

[Scorebored: 8.]

****Jerry: Shutup Larua..You're ugly!****

TV: (Laura) Shut up or I'll wipe menstrual blood on you, you, you, big dumb bastard.

Crow: Ick!

****(Diaz and Sykotic circle each other in the ring while staring one another down with intense looks.****

TV: (Hillbilly square dance announcer) Dosy do, and around we go. Grab your partner, lock him up.

****Finally, the two lock up in a tie up in the middle of the ring.****

TV: (HSDA) Now shove your pardner down to the mat!

****Sykotic uses his power to shove Jeremy down to the mat.****

TV: (HSDA) Don't take that shit, lock up again!

****Jeremy shoot back up and signals to tie up again. Finally the two lock up again, and once again, Jeremy is shoved backwards to the mat. Jeremy shoots back up. He sets to tie up with Sykotic a third time,****

Crow: Because repetition is good. Repetition is good!

****but kicks him in the gut before punching him in the face several times.****

TV: Your wife! Mother! Wife! Mother!

Comabot: Sister! Uncle! Second cousin twice removed!

****He backs him up against the ropes before whipping him to the ropes. Sykotic counters and on the return,****

Tom: Bites him in the scrotum!

****Jeremy receives a back body drop that gets high elevation.****

TV: I want to get high elevation right about now.

****Jeremy hits the mat with a plump before shooting back to his feet while holding his back in pain.****

Crow: This guys bounces around so much he must be made of Silly Putty!


****He is met with a boot to the face from the challenger.)
Jerry: Sykotic is certainly dominating our World Champion in the getgo of this matchup.
Mathers: Shutup Jerry..This match is getting interesting.****

Seth: If you have the mental capacity of a stick insect, that is...

****(Sykotic then grabs Jeremy up before going for Sykotic Tendencies. He lifts Jeremy up, but Jeremy flips over and crawls down his back before rolling him up with a sunset rollup. 1,2, Sykotic kicks out as the fans in the arena are going nuts for Jeremy.****

TV: And Satan responds by throwing nuts filled with razors at them all.

Crow: That's not fair, they didn't go nuts for Nutz...

****Jeremy rolls up to his feet as Sykotic jumps up. The two then face each other again before just completely snapping on each other.****

Tom: I have _no_ idea what that is supposed to mean...

****They come to the middle of the ring and begin to exchange an arsenal of violent right and left punches to one another.****

Seth: (Englishman) Arsenal? Buncha tossers, mate! Liverpool! Liverpool! Go you REDDDS!

****Jeremy backs him up against the ropes before clothslining him over the top rope. Sykotic goes to the outside of the ring and right in front of the announce desk as Jeremy springboards off the ropes with a body splash onto Sykotic.****

Tom: Dude, buy a comma, PLEASE!

****Both men go down as Mike Mathers takes a closer look at the action.)
Mathers: Look at them. Asking for a reason to get hit.****

TV: I've got plenty of reasons to beat the crap out of them next time I see them.

****Laura: They're just right in front of the desk.
Jerry and Mathers: SHUTUP!!!! YOU'RE UGLY!!!!****


Seth: What is it with this announce team! My four-year-old nephew uses better insults when you try to steal his toy firetruck!

****(Jeremy grabs Sykotic up before slamming his head against the announce desk. He then continues to do this.)
Mathers: Look at Jeremy. I hope he loses!!!****

TV: (Jerry) Ugly!!!

****(Jeremy hears this and stops smacking Sykotic's head on the desk long enough and punch Mathers in the face as the fans go nuts after this.****

Tom: There's more nuts in the card than a squirrels pantry!

****Jeremy then meets Sykotic who knees him in the gut before slamming him into the steel steps. Mathers recovers from the punch from Diaz before grabbing a mic.)
Mike Mathers: Listen up! THis match is now a no dq rules match!!!****

TV: Dur, what are the rules to a no dq match?

****(Sykotic gets a grin on his face****

TV: And quickly swats it to the floor and steps on it.

****as Jeremy is pulling himself up from the steel steps. Sykotic then begins to slam Jeremy's head on the steel steps. Jeremy steps his foot out to stop Sykotic's attack. He then slams Sykotic's face into the steel post.****

Seth: Steel post, steel steps, steal gimmicks from WWE... I think I see the pattern!

****Sykotic staggers back from the turnbuckle as Jeremy gets on the steel steps. He then comes off with a missile dropkick to the chest of Sykotic that takes him down. Jeremy then gets on the apron of the ring before nailing an asai moonsault on the challenger. After this he gets up and poses to the crowd who goes nuts for him.****

TV: They really ruined my Hell thing here. Fuck the fans of the UWF. I guess they weren't dead. Though this show would have been far more entertaining with a crowd of dead people and a hookup to Hell.

**** He then flips Mathers off before grabbing Sykotic up and rolling him into the ring. After this JEremy goes to get a chair form ringside****

Crow: Make sure you fill out the form in triplicate, or else you'll get DQ'ed, Jeremy!

****before entering the ring with it. Sykotic is getting up as Jeremy goes to swing at him, but Sykotic kicks him in the gut before nailing Jeremy with a ddt to the mat!) ****

TV: We've got chairs, check. I think we also got us some sweat. Yep, check. One thing left to make this a cheap plug for Seth's little federation.

****Jerry: This match has gotten alot more interesing since the no dq rule was applied. ****

TV: Beauty, eye, beholder.

****Mathers: Of course.
(Sykotic then gets up before getting the chair.****

Seth: Hey, the match isn't great, but it didn't deserve the death penalty! Have mercy!

****Jeremy gets to his hands and knees before being met with a chairshot to the back by Sykotic! Sykotic then grabs Jeremy up before hitting him in the face with the chair!****

Tom: Yep, this is much more interesting... nine minutes of chairshots doth not a main event make...

****Jeremy rolls to the outside of the ring and has his arm under it as Sykotic taunts to the Birmingham crowd as they boo. Jeremy then slides into the ring with something in his hand as Sykotic gets ready for another wild swing of the chair. THUD! CRACK!) ****

TV: BAF! BOOM! SMACK! Holy suckfest! To the crapmobile, Seth!

****Mathers: OH SHIT!
Jerry: Jeremy cracked a beer bottle against the side of Sykotic's head while getting a Sammy Sosa swing of a chair to the head! How brutal****

Seth: And it's such a waste of good beer!

Crow: It was Coors...

Seth: Okay. A waste of piss-weak alcoholic mineral water, then...

****(Both men are bleeding

TV: Blood! Oh yeah, Blood, Sweat and Chairs!

Seth: You're welcome, Mr Vail...

[Scorebored goes to 9.]

**** while being knocked out as the ref begins the mandatory ten count.****

TV: Oh yeah, this wild, no dq match has count outs. Gotta despise this place.

**** 1,2,3,4...****

Crow: Don't want to watch this any more!

****Jeremy begins to pull on the ropes for assistance..5..Sykotic does the same on opposite sides of the ring...6,7,8,****

Crow: Who do we discombobulate?

****Both men make it to their feet. Jeremy then charges Sykotic who gives him a backdrop, but Jeremy flips over and lands on the apron of the ring. He then grabs Sykotic by the hair and pulls him down to the mat before hitting a springboard legdrop.****

Seth: That's MY move you son of a bitch! I'll sue!

****He quickly gets to his feet as Sykotic staggers to his. Jeremy locks in a waistlock before flipping Sykotic over with a german suplex. Jeremy lands on his head while giving a painful landing for Sykotic.****

Seth: Hey, the classic Fuck-Up Suplex!

****Sykotic has Jeremy's shoulders down while Jeremy has his down and the ref counts. 1..2...3!!!)
Jerry: What the hell is going on.****

TV: Two words: awful booking.

*****(Kerry Turner enters the ring with a look of confusion on her face as the ref explains something to her.)****

Tom: (Ref) Yeah, you speak into the wide bit of your microphone... got it now?

****Kerry Turner: Ladies and gentlemen, according to the official, both men's shoulders were pinned to the mat. Therefore he is declaring that both men****

Crow: (Kerry Turner) ...Are schmucks!

****are the co-holders of the UWF World Heavyweight Championship!!!****

TV: Somewhere, Chyna and Chris Jericho laugh at this angle. Of course, Chyna then cries hysterically at her life and Jericho laughs even harder as he thinks of Chyna's career misfortune.

****(Sykotic and Jeremy stagger to their feet as the ref hands the belt to both of them. They get looks of confusion on their faces****

Seth: They're not the only ones...

****as MIke Mathers enters the ring with a mic in hand.)
Mike Mathers: What the fuck is going on? Co-holders to the titles? What the hell is that?****

Tom: A tired, recycled gimmick?

****Ok..ok. You guys are co-holders. You're both champs. But now, you will fight until one of you has the title. Rematch, starting now!****

TV: Umm, OK, maybe I spoke too soon about bad booking?

****(Jeremy wastes no time in smacking Sykotic with the belt before rolling him up with a school boy roll up as the ref counts. 1,2,3! Jeremy grabs the title and holds it tight.)****

TV: Guess not.

Seth: They used the Dusty Finish? Somewhere, Scott Keith is crying into a pitcher of Molsons...

****Kerry Turner: Your winner, and NEW UWF World Heavyweight Champion...Jeremy Diaz!!!****

Tom: Yep, a cheap screwjob win for the hometown boy... that'll get him over.

****(Mathers hasn't even had the chance to leave the ring as he cuts in once more.) Mathers: Wait a minute! That was the cheapest victory I've ever seen in my life.****

Seth: (Mathers) And the lamest booking!

****A rematch will go down again, and it will go down right now!****

TV: (Mathers) And I'm going to win MY title because I am the PRESIDENT!

****(Just as the bell sounds for the rematch to start the lights in the arena go out and are replaced with red ones as Raziel Lucifer comes waking down the aisle to "Anti-Christ Superstar" by Marilyn Manson.****

TV: Nothing wakes you up in the morning than Maxwell House coffee! Even if you look like hell, Maxwell House will open up those eyes so you can go down to the ring and bore everyone to death, pretending to be all evil and stuff.

[Scorebored: 10]

****He enters the ring as Mathers gets into his face only to be nailed with a chop to the throat. Raziel then grabs Mathers by the neck before hoisting him up and laying him down hard with a chokeslam!****

Seth: As used by Undead Evil Guys the world over... Calloway could make a fortune with the right lawyer.

****Jeremy Diaz then gets into the face of Raziel Lucifer who grabs him by the throat. Raziel is set to slam Jeremy when Sykotic smacks Raziel in the back of the head. Sykotic and Jeremy begin to beat into Raziel for disrupting their match when suddenly Complicated runs down the aisle and goes after Raziel.****

Tom: Yeah, like things weren't complicated enough at this point...

****The three men stomp onto him before Jeremy stops and turns Complicated around to begin a brawl with him. All of this draws in Creature,****

Seth: From WHERE? Did he teleport in like Angel did earlier?

****who goes for Complicated and Jeremy Diaz. )****

TV: All of this confuses me and I begin looking to see how much longer this show is.

****Jerry: What the hell is going on?
Laura: I don't know.****


****Jerry: I didn't say you could talk..shutup!
(Complicated gives the ref a superkick as Creature goes to give Jeremy the Abyss, but receives the Roll Out for his troubles.****

Crow: It's an Every Finisher Must Go Sale!

****Complicated then superkicks Raziel Lucifer in the jaw as Raziel staggers into the Sykotic Tendencies from Sykotic.****

TV: Meanwhile, back in Oakville, Daphne tells Peter that she's cheating on him with Sam, who's still in a coma, but now she's pregnant with his baby, who's also in a coma. But she then suddenly begins to hemorrhage and a man looking on accuses Peter of punching Daphne in the stomach, causing the miscarriage. Peter is taken away by officers on charges of assault and battery on a pregnant family member and is then beaten in a jail cell, but mid-beating, he pulls out pictures of the two officers humping in uniform and says if he stays in jail, they'll go down for committing sodomy on the job. The rich drunk, Cort, who in the cell next door, stops taping the conversation and now has a plan to burn down his richer uncle's mansion with his entire family inside to get the family inheritance. He offers to trade the audio tape to the officers for matches, gasoline and freedom.

****Raziel is downed as Complicated goes to superkick Sykotic, but his foot is caught, and he is punched dead between the legs. Jeremy Diaz is now on the top rope as he comes flying off with the JD-Effect onto the chest of Creature.****

Seth: AHHHH! Too much happening at once! Brain imploding!

****Creature rolls to the outside of the ring while holding his chest as Sykotic and Jeremy turn to meet in the middle of the ring. They are about to fight when Mike Mathers is seen atop the ramp and screaming at the men.)
Mike Mathers: So this is how you people want ot treat me!?****

Crow: (Mathers) Destroying the abject mediocrity of the show with your excitingly-named move display! How dare you!

****I'm Micheal Mathers! I own this place! But just in case you forgot, I'll give you a reminder.****

TV: (Mathers) I'm booking myself into the title main event! And yes, I'll be winning!

****This coming Friday is the next UWF ppv, Parental Advisory. How about I make the main event right now. It will be for the UWF World Heavyweight Championship.****

Seth: His original plan was to headline the Pay-Per-View with a bra-and-panties Jell-O wrestling match between Kerry and Laura...

****(At this time all 5 men in and out of the ring are to their feet, and either in pain or not. They all have their attention turned towards Mathers at the moment.)
Mike Mathers: It will be you Creature against you Raziel against you Complicated against you Sykotic, and against you Jeremy Diaz.****

Tom: I guess saying "It will be all of you" wouldn't have eaten up enough airtime, huh?

****A 6-man Hell in the Cell matchup for the UWF Championship.****

TV: A Clusterfuck From Hell match. Live on pay-per-view. Good luck keeping track of the action.

****(Jeremy Diaz gets a mic.)
Jeremy Diaz: That's only 5 people FakeDawg.****

Crow: (Mathers) That's FakeBitch to you, Diaz!

****Mike Mathers: Oh Jeremy, you'll be very interested in the 6th person. It will be Crave!!! Jeremy Diaz: What the hell? Crave?
Mike Mathers: That's right..Crave! ****

TV: Who? Crave? Who? Crave? Are you sure? Crave? Crave? I don't believe you! Crave? Really? Crave?

****(All of the 5 men have looks of disbelief on their faces at Crave being in the match.)****

Seth: Yeah, he's headlining a Pay-Per-View after stinking up the three-way tonight. I have trouble believeing it myself.

Mike Mathers: But don't let me stop this little bitchfest right now. I'm out of here.****

TV: (Jerry) Did I mention you're ugly tonight, Linda?

****(Mathers leaves to the back as Jeremy Diaz smacks SYkotic in the back of the ehad with the microphone****

TV: I declare ehad on Sykotic. Death to Sykotic!

****to break out a huge fight between the 5 men as Showdown goes off air.)****

Seth: We made it! Last one to the wet-bars' a hosehead!

[Cut to the SOL's newly-installed pool and wetbar. Seth is reclining in the water with a coconut-shell drink.]

Seth: Interesting card today, Trey. Not horrible, just kind of... (He waves his hand in the air.) ... bleeeeh. A C-minus card. y'know? Could do better, more effort needed. Oh, well... makes a change from endless arm grapevines, I suppose.

TV: Uh-huh. Gotta go, guys.. I have to see a man about a pig, know what I mean?

Seth: Ummm.. Not even remotely, Trey... later!

[Trey Vincent is walking down a road, looking up and down the empty street. No cabs, or cars, in sight.]

TV: Well kids, I guess we learned one thing today. No matter how bad a show is, as long as Trey Vincent, Seth Harker and the iAd are involved, it is damn sure gonna be entertaining.

[TV looks around. He puts his hands on his hips.]

TV: Where the hell am I? Sheeet. Oh, what, you want me to say something funny here to end this show? Well, I'm not gonna. I'm really not so screw off, huh? I said screw off!

[Trey raises a fist and starts shaking it at the cameraman.]

TV: Why I oughta!

[He stops the fist shaking and looks at the camera. He shrugs and starts walking in the other direction away from the camera. Then Trey suddenly stops, turn around and walks back to the camera.]

TV: Wait, I just thought of a closer.

[Trey disappears for a second and then the camera comes lens to face with the head of the dead pig.]

TV (Porky): Da de, da de, da de, dat's all folks!

[Some cheesy cartoon music comes on and we fade out on the bloody, lifeless pig head as Trey makes it dance to the left and to the right. The head's got rhythm!]

The preceding was brought to you by the iAd. We don't care if you liked it, as long as you read it, er, watched it.

© 2002 iAd. Pants are missing; shortcomings exposed!

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